Baptized by Fire  -  Part 10

It was Friday.  Justin sat on the edge of his bed, fiddling with the strap on his shoulder immobilizer as he anxiously awaited his discharge instructions.  His jaw still ached and he was still prone to headaches and dizzy spells, but he had been told all of that was normal and would get better with time.  Although he had been looking forward to this day for quite some time, now that the hour was near, he found himself immensely thankful that he had a house to go home to, that he wasn’t still living at the clinic.  The thought of returning there made his stomach tighten.  And that made him angry.  Justin had dreamed of owning such a business for much of his adult life.  And now, he dreaded setting foot in the door.  It was true that so much more than his wallet and car had been stolen from him that night.  Sometimes Justin wondered if he would ever truly feel safe again.  One thing he knew for certain was that someone had better be there to hold him back when his assailant’s trial came up, for Justin wasn’t sure he would be able to contain his anger.  It was an unfamiliar emotion for him, and it seemed to have a life of its own, outside the dashboard of his control.  Typically a peaceful and forgiving sort, revenge and retaliation were not actions he normally approved of.  But one thing he knew for certain was that when he saw James LaCour in court, he was going to do everything in his power to see to it he was put away for a very long time.

“Man, are you a million miles away.”

The voice startled Justin out of his thoughts and he looked up to find Todd Andrews standing just inside the door to his room.  “Huh?”

Todd took a few steps into the room.  “I said ‘hi’ three times, and you didn’t seem to hear me.”

“Oh.”  Justin shrugged his good shoulder.  “Sorry.  I was just thinking.”

“Okay…”  Todd had a few theories regarding what might be on Justin’s mind, but he didn’t venture a guess.  Instead, he handed his friend a folder containing all of his discharge papers.  “John and Camarin here yet?”

“Not yet.”  Justin glanced toward the window.  “I thought they’d be here by now.  Stuck in traffic maybe.”

“Maybe.”  Todd paused long enough to pull up a chair.  “It’s okay, though.  It’ll give us a few minutes to talk.”

“Talk?”  Justin raised an eyebrow.  “About what?”

“Well…your shoulder for one thing.”

“What about my shoulder?”

“Keep that immobilizer on for everything except showering and dressing.”

“Todd…”

“I mean it, Justin.”  Todd was not in the mood to be disobeyed.  “If you want it to…”

“I wasn’t going to argue with you.”  Justin insisted as he adjusted the strap.  “I was just going to tell you I know what to do.  This isn’t the first shoulder injury I’ve seen, you know.”

Todd smiled.  “I know.”  He wanted to add that Justin might find it different being the one dealing with the injury, rather than rehabbing it.  But, he decided to give his friend the benefit of the doubt, and held his tongue.

“So, what else did you want to talk about?”

“Huh?”

“You said ‘your shoulder for one thing.’”  Justin reminded.  “What else?”

“Oh.  Right.”  Todd’s mouth suddenly felt dry.  “Well, since it appears we have a little time, there is something else I wanted to tell you.”

Justin couldn’t help but notice his boss looked a little uncomfortable, as if he had news he didn’t want to share.  “Okay…”

Taking a deep breath, Todd started out with it.  “Do you remember about five days ago, when you asked me to call Hannah and ask if she’d heard anything from Jonas?”

“Yeah…”

“And I told you she hadn’t.”

Justin’s heart skipped a beat.  What was Todd getting at?  “I remember.  Wait, are you saying…”

Todd decided to reveal the rest before Justin could finish his thought.  “The truth is, Jonas did ask to see you.  His caseworker tried to call you, and when he couldn’t reach you, he called Hannah.  We didn’t tell you, because we didn’t want you fretting over it all week, since you weren’t being discharged yet, and wouldn’t be able to act on anything anyway.”

“So…you lied to me.”  Justin felt an almost overwhelming pang of betrayal.  To his knowledge, his boss had never been dishonest with him.

“I…withheld the truth.”  For some reason, that felt better to Todd.

“Todd, how could you do that?  What if it was something important?”  Justin had been uneasy about the dreams he’d been having.  Still, he had managed to dismiss the seemingly irrational urgency involving Jonas, chalking it up to side effects from the trauma he’d experienced or the strong medications he’d been on.  But now… “I can’t believe you would keep that from me.”

“And what if I’d told you?”  Todd challenged.  “It’s not as if you would have been able to go over there.”

“That’s not the point.”  Justin balked.  “He’s my brother, and you had no right…”

The discussion was cut short by two figures entering the room.  Johnny and Camarin had overheard part of the conversation, and made brief eye contact before Johnny cut in.  “I take it you told him about Jonas?”

Now that was just great.  Justin’s eyes shot barbs at his brother-in-law.  “You mean you knew about this too?” His jaw tensed as anger flared, causing daggers of pain to shoot through his face and head.  He hissed in response as his eyes closed and his hand moved to his cheek.

“Easy, Justin.”  Todd warned, getting up from the chair.

“Don’t…”  Justin seethed as undulating spasms throbbed through his teeth and jaw.  “Don’t tell me to…”  A sudden dizzy spell caused him to pitch sideways, nearly falling off the bed.  He was steadied by three sets of hands.

“Are you okay?”  Camarin cast a disgusted glare toward the other two men.  While she agreed with the logic behind the decision not to tell Justin about Jonas’ call, she thought Todd and Johnny could both be handling this a bit better.

Justin remained silent, keeping his eyes closed to ward off the nausea the pain and dizziness had brought on.  He waited for the room to stop spinning.

Todd was growing concerned.  Keeping a firm hand on Justin’s shoulder, he leaned over in order to make eye contact.  “Justin?”  It took only one look at the others to communicate what he wanted to happen next.  “Come on, let’s get you lying down for a minute.”

“No.”  Justin resisted the others’ attempts to help him lie back on the bed at first, but as the throbbing inside his head increased, he decided maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad idea.  He rested his head back against the pillow savoring the sensation of Camarin gently stroking his forehead.

Johnny moved quickly to the sink and retrieved a cool washcloth, bringing it to Camarin, who placed it on Justin’s brow.  He stood back and watched as Todd counted Justin’s pulse.

“Feeling any better?”  Todd asked.  While he knew Justin was far from 100 percent, he was having second thoughts now about discharging him.

“Physically, yeah.”  Justin gritted out, the sarcastic tone evident despite his wired jaw.

Johnny felt guilty about the whole thing.  While he, too, agreed with the rationale behind what they did, he understood completely how Justin must feel right now.  “Look, man.  I’m sorry we didn’t tell you.  We just didn’t want you worried about it, that’s all.  I mean, I know how I’d feel if I were stuck in here and got news like that.  I would have wanted to get out of here that instant.”

Justin let out a shaky breath.  Maybe his friends and family had been right in not telling him.  As frustrated as he still felt, deep down he knew he would have done the same thing.  He hated how jittery his prescribed Demerol made him feel, and he cursed the wretched drug for making him so hypersensitive.  “It’s okay...”

“Besides, you don’t have to worry about Jonas.  I already took care of him.”

Justin’s eyes popped open and he looked up at Johnny.  “You what?”

“I went to see what he wanted.  And, believe me…he’s full of shit.  I took care of it.”

Justin took a moment to consider what Johnny had done, knowing how hard it had to be for him to face the man who had assaulted him.  He shivered slightly.  “Well, what did he say?”

Johnny looked at Todd and Camarin for approval before continuing.  “He didn’t say much of anything except to act like a jerk.  Said he would only talk to you.  I told him you were in the hospital, and he didn’t even ask what happened or how you were.  I figured if whatever he wanted to tell you was so important, he’d have told me.  But, he was an ass about it.  Anyway, you don’t need to worry about it anymore, because I handled it.”

“What do you mean you handled it?”  Justin parroted.

“I told him to leave you alone.  That you wouldn’t be coming.”  Johnny explained.  “You have your recovery to focus on.  You don’t need to be dealing with his crap...”

“Wait a minute…you did what?”  Justin’s head was beginning to pound again and spasms assaulted his jaw.

Johnny suddenly felt like a deer in the headlights.  “I…I uh…”

“John, I appreciate your going down there, but you said he wouldn’t tell you what he wanted.  Take me down there right now.  I want to see what this is all about.”  Justin started to get up but was halted by another dizzy spell.  “Dammit…”

Johnny could feel betrayal swell up inside him.  But it was tempered by concern for Justin.  On the one hand he couldn’t believe Justin would want to see Jonas, how he could feel any loyalty toward the man who had so brutally assaulted Johnny and who had treated him with such disrespect just a few days ago.  But, on the other hand, he supposed he understood.  Maybe.

A few moments of silence followed until finally Todd spoke.  “Justin, I think maybe I should have either Joe or Aaron come up and take a look at you.  Maybe you should stay here another day or two.”

“No!”  Justin tried to get up again and immediately regretted it.  “Sonofabitch.”  Regaining his bearings, he slowly rose to a standing position.  “I’m fine, Todd.  Really.”

Todd gave his friend an assessing once over.  Sighing, he crossed his arms.  “Okay.  But I want you to go straight home and rest.”  He looked to Camarin for the approving nod that would mean she understood.  “Jonas can wait.”

Justin was savvy enough to know that if he argued he would never get out of here.  Besides, he felt miserable and didn’t have the energy right now for a fight.  “Okay, Boss.”

Todd positioned a wheelchair behind Justin and held it while Camarin and Johnny helped ease him into it.  “I mean it.”  He looked at Johnny.  “Take him straight home.”  Then, to Camarin.  “I’ll be over this evening to check on him.  Call me if you have any problems.”

“Thanks, Todd.”  Camarin smiled, thankful for the support.  She knew the next few weeks would not be easy.

***

“Take a left up here at the next light.”  Justin had been quiet since they had left the hospital, a fact that both Camarin and Johnny attributed to the level of pain he was likely dealing with as the car bounced and swayed along crowded boulevards on its way to Long Beach.  This was the first he had spoken, and for a moment, the direction floated in the air, as if unheard.

“Sorry, did you say something?”  Johnny cast a sideways glance at Justin as he approached the traffic light.

“I said take a left here.”  Justin repeated, a bit louder this time, and trying not to be irritated.  It seemed the louder he spoke, the more the reverberation bothered his still healing jaw.

“Why?”  Johnny had been given orders to take Justin directly home, and he intended to follow them.

“Because we’re stopping by the prison.  I want to see what Jonas wants.”  Justin gritted this out as if Johnny should know and shouldn’t be forcing him to talk when talking was painful.

“Justin, you heard Todd.”  A voice came from the back seat and Camarin leaned forward.  “Whatever Jonas wants can wait.  You need to rest.”

“And I will rest.”  Justin insisted.  “After I see Jonas.”

Johnny was secretly glad Camarin had interceded.  He really did not want to take Justin to see Jonas, although Justin’s well-being was only part of the reason.  Try as he might to understand, he just couldn’t quell his growing sense of unease.  Brother or not, how could Justin feel any loyalty to the man who had tried to kill his sister’s husband, his best friend?  “She’s right, Justin.  You need to go home and rest.  I already told you Jonas didn’t have anything worthwhile to say…”

“You said he wouldn’t talk to you, John.”  Justin reminded.  “And you’re one to talk about following doctor’s orders.  I seem to recall…”

“Come on, you two.  Let’s not make this personal.”  Camarin urged, resting a hand on each of their shoulders.

“He’s the only one making it personal.”  Johnny argued as he went straight through the light when it turned green.

“Hey, what the hell do you think you’re doing?”

Justin’s angry query, which was so out of character for him, immediately took Johnny back to that evening in his barn when Jonas had spat the very same words.  The memory caused a sharp twinge to course through his shoulder as if the joint itself recalled being cruelly twisted in a way it was never meant to be.  A flash of a shovel speeding toward his head in a swift, downward arc caused him to shudder.

“John?”  Camarin noticed what Justin apparently did not.  Their driver’s momentary distraction.  “Are you all right?”

“Yeah…yeah, I’m fine.”  He didn’t feel fine, really.  In truth, he wasn’t sure what he felt.  He knew Justin was not deliberately trying to hurt him and had earned the right to be out of sorts for the time being, but he still couldn’t help the uninvited betrayal he felt.  He reached over and placed his right hand on Justin’s forearm.  “Hey sorry, man.  But, I did promise to take you home.  And besides, you really do need to rest.  Maybe we can…”

“I’m sorry too.”  Justin rubbed at the bridge of his nose, his headache now drumming in full force.  He despised the way he seemed to be so easily able to fly off the handle lately, as if his nerves were frayed to the snapping point.  It wasn’t like him at all.  “But, listen.  Please.  I’m not going to be able to rest until I talk to Jonas.  This has been eating at me all week.”

“It has?”  This was news to Camarin.

“Yeah, it has.”  Justin hated admitting it.  Hated even more what he was about to reveal, but if it got him his way, he had no choice.  “I had a…a nightmare last week.  And ever since I…”  He stopped and turned his attention out the window at the passing scenery.  “Never mind.”

“I think I understand.”  Johnny was no stranger to bad dreams.  He was also no stranger to the notion of spirits urging him to do something.  Most would call it intuition or a gut feeling.  But he knew better.  “But, Justin…”

“Look, John.  If you don’t take me to see Jonas now, I’m going to call a cab as soon as we get home.”  Justin had no idea how he would fathom the energy to resist both Camarin and Johnny, since surely they would not take this decision lying down.  But, for some inexplicable reason, he felt like he just couldn’t wait another minute.  Whatever Jonas wanted to tell him was important.  He wasn’t sure how he knew that, he just knew.  And he would never rest easily until he found out what it was, no matter how many sedatives they fed him.

Johnny sighed and glanced in the rearview mirror at his sister to see if she was thinking the same thing he was.  “Okay…”  He figured if Justin was bent on pursuing this, it would be better if they were with him.  He also knew that giving in would likely cause Justin less stress, and would therefore be better for him in the long run.  At least that was the argument he would present to Todd Andrews if need be.  He re-routed at the next light, turning back toward the prison.

Justin muttered something resembling a thank you and rested his head against the door.  When he opened his eyes again, he heard Johnny’s voice telling him they were ‘here.’

Camarin got out and helped steady Justin as he got to his feet.  Johnny pocketed the keys and rounded the vehicle to meet them.

“I’ll be back.”  Justin broke away from the pair and started making his way toward the door.

“Oh, no you don’t.”  Camarin warned gently.  “We’re going with you.”

“Suit yourself.”  Justin knew that Jonas would be allowed only one visitor, so he didn’t balk at the idea of Johnny and Camarin accompanying him into the building.

After showing his I.D. to the prison official, who had done a double take when the dead ringer for one of their inmates walked in, Justin excused himself.

“You sure you’re okay?”  Camarin was concerned.  What if Jonas planned to hurt Justin in some way?  Surely, the prison guards wouldn’t allow that to happen.  Would they?

“I’m fine.”  Justin wished he could sound more convincing, but the truth was he felt like crap.  He really just wanted this behind him so he could go home to his bed.  “This shouldn’t take long.”  Butterflies fluttered in his stomach as he took a seat in the uncomfortable plastic chair in the otherwise empty visitors’ room.  He hadn’t seen Jonas since he had come here after John had been assaulted.  He had pretty much written him off then, so he was sure his brother would find some sort of twisted satisfaction in the fact that he was here.

“Well, well, well…if it ain’t my better half.”  Jonas entered the room full of his usual sarcastic machismo.  But, he stopped short and gave his twin brother a good once over at the sight of the shoulder immobilizer, the still healing scar where the hairline was chopped and uneven, and the almost-faded bruising on his cheek and jaw.  Not to mention the fact that Justin appeared to be a good ten to fifteen pounds scanter than he had been the last time he saw him. “What happened to you?  Get in a bar fight?”  It wasn’t hard for the savvy criminal to put two and two together.  Apparently James had left a few details out of his story, such as the assault that obviously took place in order to secure Justin’s wallet and Mercedes.  It made sense now.  Jonas had wondered how James had ended up in his cell block if there hadn’t been any violence connected with his crime.

Ignoring Jonas’ question, Justin cut straight to the point.  “John said you wanted to see me.  So, how about we cut through the niceties and you tell me what’s on your mind?”

“You mad at me or something?”  Jonas couldn’t help but notice that Justin was speaking through clenched teeth.  Apparently his jaw was wired shut too.  He briefly wondered about his own motivation.  On the one hand it would be priceless to see Justin’s reaction to his news, especially after James had managed to beat him so severely.  On the other, for some reason he couldn’t figure, it made him angry to see what James had done to his brother.  Quickly pressing down that unwanted emotion, he found his mind wandering in another direction.  It had briefly entered his head to abandon his mission, mess with Justin for a bit, then let him go without revealing what he knew about James.  But, somehow his conscience, which he hadn’t been aware he had until recently, had other plans.  Justin needed to know the truth.  That much was sure.  But, now Jonas’ mind conjured another notion.  James LaCour was not inherently bad.  He was redeemable, and he deserved a chance at that redemption.  The kid might think he didn’t want Justin to know about him, but Jonas knew his brother would somehow do right by him.  And for reasons that nearly made him vomit, Jonas wanted that for James.  He wanted to be the one responsible for helping him escape the lifetime in prison that he, himself, faced.

“I don’t have time for your crap, Jonas.”  Justin knew he sounded as exhausted as he felt, and he silently chastised himself for appearing weak in front of his brother.  “John said you’d only talk to me so here I am.  Out with it.”

“Ah, yes…John…”  Jonas fully intended to come ‘out with it.’  Somehow.  But, that didn’t mean he couldn’t have a little fun first.  “As I recall he told me to… let me get this right, now…oh, I remember.  Rot in hell.”

Justin sighed.  How could he have thought this would be quick and easy?  “Can you blame him?  After what you did?  I’m surprised he even gave you the time of day coming here.  He’s a bigger man than me, that’s for sure.”

“Well now, bro…don’t sell yourself short.”  Jonas smarmily encouraged.  “I have a feeling you’re about to prove just what kind of man you really are.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”  Justin’s patience was wearing thin, and he did not appreciate this little cat and mouse game Jonas had going.

“Well…”  Jonas leaned forward until his face was almost touching the see-through partition separating him from his twin.  He made a show about looking left to right, and then smiled, quite pleased with himself as he sing-songed, “I’ve got a secret!  I’ve got a secret!”

Justin closed his eyes and said nothing.  He knew he was completely at Jonas’ mercy, and he knew Jonas was also aware he had complete control of this conversation.  It was clear there was something he was dying to reveal, but it wasn’t going to happen until after he’d had his fun.

“Don’tcha wanna hear it?”

“Whatever it is damn well better be important, Jonas.”  Justin was getting angry now, and a sudden dizzy spell caused his vision to blur momentarily.

Jonas could see that Justin wasn’t feeling well, so he figured he’d better get to the point quickly, or he might not get another chance.  “Oh, it is…it is…”  He allowed his words to float in the air for a few moments as he poised himself for the big reveal.  “What if I told you…that you’re a daddy?”

“What?”  Of all the things Justin had imagined Jonas wanting to tell him, this had been nowhere near making the list.

“You know…a daddy. As in, you’ve got a kid.  A son to be exact.”

“This isn’t even funny, Jonas.”  Justin began to rise stiffly, even as the room went for another brief spin.

“Now, just hold on and hear me out, bro.”  Jonas urged.  “Would I lie to you about something like that?” 

What got Justin’s attention was that he would have expected Jonas to ask that question in a feigned innocent tone while flashing one of his cloying grins.  But, instead, his voice sounded eerily sincere.  A chill skittered up and down Justin’s spine and he broke out into a sweat.  “I honestly don’t know what you’re capable of anymore.”

Jonas leaned in close again.  “Let me ask you something.  The guy who…”  He pointed toward Justin’s injuries.  “…did that to you.  Do you remember what he looked like?”

That was a loaded question if Justin had ever heard one.  Of course he remembered.  His face would be forever etched in his nightmares.  “Tall guy.  Lean.  Dark blond hair and stubble.  What the hell does that have to do with…”

“Think about it.”

“Think about what?”

“You don’t think he looked...familiar?  Do you remember his eyes?”

Justin started to shake his head as he closed his own eyes.  His memory settled on an image of his attacker.  And then, his mind flashed to one of his recent nightmares.  The young man standing in front of him.  You didn’t want me.  And Abby.  She looked sad.  The young man looked sad.  His eyes…Abby’s eyes…oh my god…Justin’s eyes flew open and misted over in both recognition and disbelief.  “Wait…you’re saying…”

“Uh-huh.  Figured it out, didn’t ya?  Always knew you were a smart cookie.”

Justin ran his good hand through his hair.  Jonas was messing with him.  He had to be.  But why?  What did he have to gain from this?  Had he met up with James LaCour in here and the two of them had devised some con together?  Was that it?  “You’re full of shit, Jonas.”

“Am I?”  Jonas sat back with his arms crossed.

Justin wanted to scream ‘yes you are’ at the top of his lungs and walk…no run…out of here right now and never come back.  After all he’d been through, they had a lot of fucking nerve to put him through this.  What was James’ angle?  Use Jonas to get to me so maybe I would post his bail?  Justin had never felt so angry or betrayed.  But, then his mind settled back on the dreams he’d been having and the impossible to ignore feeling that Jonas had something important to tell him.  What if he was telling the truth?  Justin figured LaCour looked about thirty, but he could have been a few years younger.  He quickly did the math and his vision grayed.  “You’re saying…”  He did his best to swallow his increasing nausea.  “That James LaCour is my son?”

“Ding ding ding!  We have a winner!”  Jonas rose to his feet and clapped his hands.

No…no, it can’t be.  Abby would have never kept something like that from me.  “And just how do you know this?”

“He told me.”

“He told you.”

“Well…in a manner of speaking.  I figured it out, mostly.  But, he admitted it once I had him cornered.”  Jonas seemed very proud of this fact.

“And you just took his word for it.” 

Jonas sighed dramatically.  “Look, my dear brother.  The evidence is there. I didn’t have to tell you.  In fact, sonny boy asked me to keep it to myself.  So, if you don’t want believe me, that’s up to you.  At least I can lie down with a clear conscience tonight.”

“The day you can lie down with a clear conscience is the day hell freezes, Jonas.”  All of a sudden the room felt much too warm and much too cold at the same time.  Justin had to get out of here.  “I’m leaving.”

Jonas watched Justin rise stiffly to his feet.  It was obvious he wasn’t feeling well and he briefly considered calling the guard’s attention to it.  To his brother’s rapidly retreating back he did his best to eliminate any hint of sarcasm from his tone.  “You go home to your nice cozy family and think about it, Justin.  The kid deserves to know his daddy.”

Justin returned to the area where Johnny and Camarin were waiting for him, his mind reeling in shock.  Jonas had to be lying.  He had to be.  But, he wasn’t.  And somehow Justin knew it.  He groped for the nearest piece of furniture to steady himself as his dizziness grew sinister.  In the next instant, his legs refused to hold him up and he found himself on his knees vomiting without really knowing how he had ended up on the floor.  Panic flooded his being and he was convinced he would choke, even though soothing and encouraging voices assured him he would not. He did his best to obey as they coached him to keep leaning forward as his stomach contents passed through the scant opening between his teeth.   Pain coursed through his ribs and shoulder and settled in his face and head until all he could see were blinding flashes of white light.  Then finally the edges of his vision grayed and he collapsed into the arms that had been supporting him.

***

“I’m telling you I’m fine.”  Justin removed the oxygen mask and tried to sit up, only to be thwarted by three sets of hands.

“And I’m telling you we’ll let Joe Early be the judge of that.”  Mike Morton replaced the mask none too gently and whipped out his penlight, checking his patient’s pupils for the second time.  “I don’t call vomiting and passing out ‘fine.’  Especially after a head injury.”

“A head injury that happened weeks ago.”  Justin insisted.  “Besides, I didn’t pass out.”

“I hate to tell you this, Justin but uh…yeah, you did.”  Johnny stood at the head of the bed, protectively hovering over his brother-in-law.  “You went down like a sack of corn.”

“That’s potatoes.”  Justin corrected disinterestedly, closing his eyes.

“Your people eat potatoes.  Mine eat corn.”  Johnny chided, hoping to add some humor to the situation.  It didn’t work.

“I’m just tired, that’s all.”  Justin insisted.  “All I need is to go home to bed.”

“If you had done that in the first place you wouldn’t be here right now.”  A familiar and obviously exasperated voice came from the doorway as Todd Andrews entered the room.  “Justin, what the hell were you thinking?”

Justin raised his good hand to his forehead.  “Don’t start, Todd…”

“Hey, Doc.”  Johnny figured he would step in now with his planned defense.  “I’m the one who agreed to take Justin over to the prison to see Jonas.  So, this is my fault, really.”

The overhead light seemed to stab through Justin’s eyes directly to his brain, so he kept them closed.  “Knock it off, John.  I forced you to take me…”

“No you didn’t.”  Johnny protested, being mindful of his volume.  “It’s not as if you held a gun to my head or…”  His voice trailed off when he realized his poor choice of words.  They seemed to increase the intensity of Justin’s headache, and Todd, Morton, and Dixie all glared daggers at him.  “Sorry…”  A few moments limped by before he presented a new angle.  “Look, Justin said he wouldn’t be able to rest until he found out what Jonas wanted.  I can understand that.  I figured he’d be better off with Cam and I along, and then he’d be able to rest easier afterward.”  Receiving nothing but blank stares from the others, he went on.  “Well it made sense at the time.”  More blank stares.  “Sort of…”

“I ought to slap you both upside the head.”  Todd shook his head and reached for the chart Dixie had started on Justin.  “But what’s done is done.  Let’s just hope you didn’t earn yourself another stay.”  He read over the chart, frowning at the elevated vital signs and the news that Justin had vomited and passed out.  “How does your shoulder feel?”

Justin sighed and finally dared to open his eyes.  “It’s fine, Todd.”  He squinted at the light.  “Does that thing have to be so bright?”

Dixie reached up and turned the light so that it wasn’t shining directly into Justin’s eyes.  “Better?”

“Yeah...”  Despite his relief, Justin closed his eyes again.  He was so exhausted he felt sick.  “Thanks, Dix.”

“You’re welcome.”  Dixie gave Justin’s hair a gentle tousle.  “I’m going to go see what’s keeping Joe and let Camarin know you’re all right.” 

Todd turned his attention back to his friend.  “So, what exactly happened?”

Apparently Morton figured the orthopod’s question was directed at him.  “He became dizzy, lost his balance, vomited, and then had a syncopal episode.”

“I could read that much on the chart.”  Todd had never had much patience for the pompous intern.  He aimed his next question at Johnny.  “I meant what did Jonas have to say?  Was it bad news?”

Johnny shrugged.  “Your guess is as good as mine, Doc.  He wouldn’t tell me what Jonas said.”

“Can we not talk about me like I’m not here?”  Justin removed his oxygen mask.  “Jonas didn’t have anything to say.  It was just like you said, John.  He’s full of shit.”

But Johnny wasn’t quite buying that.  “Uh…I don’t know, Justin.  When you came out of that room, you were white as that sheet.”  He pointed toward the thin sheet covering his friend.

“Did Jonas say something to upset you?”  Todd felt suddenly defensive.  While he knew Jonas was bad news, he couldn’t fathom how he could intentionally upset his brother when obviously he wasn’t in the best condition.

“No.” 

Johnny and Todd exchanged looks.  Neither man believed Justin was being entirely truthful. 

A few seconds later the door opened and Dixie returned, along with Joe Early who smiled at the others and sauntered up to the bed.  “Hello, Justin.  Looks like you’ve got one hell of a headache.”

Morton stepped back to allow the neurosurgeon access to their patient.  Pulse is 100, respirations are 22, and BP is 142 over 90.  He’s pale and slightly diaphoretic.”

“I just overdid it, Doc.”  Justin insisted.

“You’re probably right.”  Joe pulled out his penlight.  “But, how about you humor me anyway?”  At Justin’s acquiescing nod, the doctor gingerly held open his right eye lid.  “I’m just going to look in your eyes.”  Joe shined the light in one eye, then the other before pocketing it again.  “How’s your vision?”

“A little blurry.”  Justin sighed.

“You have an appointment with Dr. Park’s group, right?”  Joe remembered that Justin had made an appointment with an ophthalmologist for some time after his discharge.

“Yeah.  It’s next week.”

“How do you feel otherwise?”  Joe continued his query.  “Still feel dizzy?”

“Only when I move too fast.”  Justin admitted.

“How about nausea?”

Justin shook his head carefully.  “A little.  Look, Doc.  I’m beat.  Can’t I just go home and get some sleep?”

Joe smiled and looked across the bed at Johnny, who was still hovering.  “He’s starting to sound like someone else I know.”

Johnny feigned innocence.  “Who, me?”  The comment broke any remaining tension in the air as everyone shared a chuckle.

Joe leaned over his patient.  “Tell you what, Justin.  I’ll do a complete neuro exam and we’ll get some pictures of your head.  As long as nothing has changed, we’ll send you home, okay?”

“Where you will stay in bed and rest.  Right?”  Todd sounded as if he would give the order for restraints without a second thought.

“I’ll see to it, Doc.”  Johnny promised.

Joe smiled again.  “Okay, then.”  He got started with his exam.

***

The cool pillowcase was scented with the familiar aroma of the fabric softener Camarin used.  To Justin, it soothed better than even the most powerful medication.  It was good to be in his own bed.  The X-rays were all negative, and having passed Joe Early’s neuro exam with flying colors, he had been discharged from the ER over an hour ago.  Johnny and Camarin had brought him straight home and helped him change clothes and get into bed.

Kaya and Rose were home from school and after being allowed to welcome their papa home, they were instructed to keep the noise down and do their homework, which they chose to do outside on the deck.

Camarin was in the kitchen making one of Justin’s favorite meals.  She hoped that after getting some rest, his nausea would subside enough for him to enjoy it.  Even if it would have to be a pureed version.

Johnny remained with Justin, making sure that he was settled and didn’t need anything before he went home to his own family.  “How’s your headache?”

“Still there.”  Justin slurred.  “But getting better by the minute.”

“Do you want some Demerol?”  Johnny offered, but figured he already knew the answer.

“Nope.  Jus’ wanna sleep.”

Johnny smiled.  It appeared Justin was halfway there already.  “Okay, man.  Take it easy.   Remember, Todd will be over later.  Call me if you need me.”

“Mmmm…” 

Seeing that Justin was asleep, Johnny said goodbye to the others and let himself out.

Justin’s slumber was filled with a kaleidoscope of dreams.  Some starred Abby, and the melancholy that seemed to surround her when she had first returned from California all those summers ago.  Other, darker dreams featured James LaCour, holding a gun, his eyes full of anger and regret.  Others focused on Justin’s current life with Camarin and the girls.  And then there were those that seemed to mix elements of all three.  Justin awoke in a cold sweat less than an hour after he had fallen into an easy sleep.  And now his mind raced in time with his rapid heart rate.  Painstakingly, he rolled over onto his side, his healing ribs protesting the change in position.  But, now he could not get comfortable enough to drift off again.  His mind went over what Jonas had told him.  Could it possibly be true?  He thought about the look in James’ eyes that night, how he had seemed so nervous, as if there had been something he wanted to talk about, but couldn’t quite bring himself to do it.  But, underneath the hair trigger anxiety was something else.  Something more…tragic.

An icy chill filled Justin’s bones.  You didn’t want me.  What if Jonas was right?  If James was his son then he had likely spent his life thinking he had been abandoned, that his parents hadn’t wanted him.  You didn’t want me.  That he hadn’t wanted him.  The thought of that made Justin angry.  He hadn’t been given the chance to decide that.  And had he been…

Justin sat up, cursing at the dizzy spell that followed.  There would be no more sleeping now.  How could he have not realized Abby was pregnant?  How could he have not seen the signs?  Justin reminded himself that he had been only a teenager himself at the time, and that inexperience and naivety could very well have played a role.  Then, just as quickly he reminded himself that none of this was likely true in the first place.  But, he couldn’t make himself believe that.  With Jonas’ revelation out in the open, it seemed that pieces of a difficult puzzle were finally beginning to come together.  Long dismissed unanswered questions were finally finding resolution.

Justin thought back to the dreams he’d been having and he shivered, causing him to pull the blanket tight around his shoulders with his good hand.  Then, his mind drifted back to the day he’d visited Abby’s grave.  He’d thought he’d seen her standing there.  He had heard something too.  A baby’s cry.   Justin suddenly felt sick.  It had been the wind moving a tree branch.  That’s all.

One thing was certain now and that was Justin had to find out for sure.  If it was true, if James was his son, that would change everything.  How would he make up for twenty-seven years of lost time?  How would Camarin react?

There were only two people Justin could think of who could clear this up, who would know the truth.  And if he found out they had denied him his paternal rights, he would never forgive them.  God, how could they?

Justin turned his body slowly until he was sitting on the edge of the bed.  He reached into the drawer of the nightstand, pulled out the phonebook, and began thumbing through the yellow pages.  Hands shaking, he picked up the phone.  Squinting to make out the blurred numbers, he cursed again, nearly giving up.  But, finally, on the third try he was able to reach the party he wanted.

“American Airlines?  I’d like to buy a ticket, please….Tomorrow morning…Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.”

***

Camarin returned from dropping the girls off at school and decided to check on Justin.  He had still been sleeping when she left, and she wondered if he was awake and hungry by now.  When she did not see him in bed, she did not become immediately concerned.  Figuring he was in the master bathroom, she rapped on the door.  “Justin?  I’m back.”

There was no answer.

She pushed open the door a crack.  The light was off, and there was no sign of her husband.

Maybe he’s out on the deck.  Camarin knew how much Justin loved being outside.  He had been given orders to rest, but not to be bedridden.  He was probably getting some fresh air.

But, when Camarin stepped out onto the deck, she was greeted only by the distant cackle of a seagull.  Justin was nowhere to be found.  Would he have taken a walk on the beach?  Maybe, but surely he wouldn’t have gone too far.  Camarin looked up and down the strand, but there was still no sign of her husband.

Getting worried now, she briefly considered calling Rampart.  If something had happened, and Justin had been able to call for help, that was likely where he would be.  But first, she returned to the bedroom.  And there, she saw the note.  It was handwritten, and laying right on top of his pillow.

Mouth dry as cotton, heart in her throat, she picked up the small piece of paper and began reading.

Dear Cam—

By the time you read this I will be on a plane to PA.  I am so sorry to leave without telling you, but there is something I have to take care of.  It can’t wait. 

Please don’t be upset.  I promise everything is okay.  I just need you to trust me, and I will explain when I get home.

I will call you when I land.  Don’t worry.

Kiss the girls for me.

Love you.

Justin

Camarin read the note three times before finally setting it aside.  Her mind raced while her stomach churned.  Had something happened to one of Justin’s parents?  That had to be it.  But, he said that everything was okay.  And, if that was it, why wouldn’t he have told her?  She continued to grasp for explanations that made sense, but came up short.  It was then that she remembered Justin’s meeting with Jonas.  That had to be it!  He hadn’t said much about what had happened, but that was the only thing that seemed to fit.  She decided to do as Justin asked and trust him.  But dammit, he’d better have a good explanation when he got home! 

Camarin had planned to do some work at the clinic this morning, but now she would wait until after Justin called.  She wasn’t sure when his plane would land, but figured it would be at least a few hours.  She was just about ready to make some coffee when the phone rang.  It couldn’t be Justin.  Not yet.

“Hello?”

“Good morning, Camarin.  It’s Todd.”

Camarin’s breath caught.  “Uh…good morning.”

“You don’t sound so sure about that.  Everything okay?”  Todd smiled to himself.  He was sure Justin was probably giving the poor woman a run for her money as far as following his orders to take it easy were concerned.

“Yeah, Todd.  Everything is fine.”

“Well, that’s good.”  Todd switched the receiver to his other ear.  “I was just checking to see how Justin’s night was.  Did he sleep well?”

“Well actually, no.  He was kind of restless, was awake a lot.”

Todd frowned.  “That’s too bad.  I offered him some sedatives…”

“I know you did.  I brewed him some skullcap tea, too.  But even that didn’t help.”

Todd resisted the urge to tell Camarin that in his opinion a couple valium would have been much more effective than any herbal concoction, but he knew she and Justin believed strongly in natural ‘medicine.’ “Is he sleeping now?  Can I talk to him?”

Camarin froze as she considered her options.  On the one hand she could lie and say Justin was asleep, Todd would likely find out anyway, and be mad.  On the other hand, she could tell the truth and he would still be mad.  Reaching the conclusion that it was only a matter of whether he would be mad now or later, she decided to get it over with.  “Um, well…not exactly.”

“What do you mean, not exactly?”

“I mean he’s not exactly asleep and you can’t exactly talk to him.”

“Camarin, what’s going on?”

“Justin’s not here.  He’s on his way to Pennsylvania.”  Camarin spat the words out quickly, then closed her eyes and braced herself for the storm.

“He’s what?”  Todd tried telling himself he hadn’t heard right.  He had expected Justin to have trouble following his orders to a tee, had figured he would try to do too much too soon.  But, he also knew that Justin wasn’t reckless.  Or so he had thought.

The worst part over now, Camarin went on to explain what she knew, all the while calculating the many ways Justin would owe her when he returned.  “He’s on a plane.  I had no idea he was leaving until just a few minutes ago.  He left me a note.”

The possibility occurred to Todd that Justin had left Camarin.  But, he couldn’t make himself believe that.  But, why in the world was he acting so irrationally?  Could it have something to do with his head injury?  “What the hell..?”

“I don’t know, Todd.”  Camarin sat down at the kitchen table, relieved to have someone to talk to about this.  “His note just said that everything was okay and that he would explain later.  There was something he needed to take care of.  At first I thought something might have happened to one of his parents, but I’m wondering if it has to do with whatever happened with Jonas yesterday.”

“You might be onto something there.”  Todd agreed.  He rubbed at the tension settling into the back of his neck, then sighed.  “Let me know when you hear from him.”

“I will.”

“And tell him I’m going to put him on a leash when he gets home.”

That made Camarin chuckle.  Todd could be impatient and angry, but she knew how much he cared about Justin.  “I’m gonna beat you to it.”

After sharing a laugh, Todd cleared his throat and turned serious again.  “You’re okay?”

“I’m fine.  I’ll be better once I hear from him.”

“Right.”  Todd looked at his watch.  “I’d better get going.  Call me later, okay?”

“You got it.”

Camarin said goodbye to Todd, then hung up the phone.  It was going to be a long day.

***

Justin remained in his seat as all the other passengers scrambled for their overhead belongings and made their way down the narrow aisle to the exit.  The change in air pressure during the plane’s descent had caused his jaw and head to ache fiercely, so he sat with eyes closed, his breathing ragged, and hoped for relief soon.

“Sir?  Are you okay?”

Justin cracked open his eyes at the female voice and noticed he was the only one left on the plane.  A flight attendant stood over him with a concerned expression.

“Yeah…I’m fine.”  Justin could only hope he looked better than he felt.  “Bit of an earache from the landing.”

The attendant looked over her passenger skeptically.  He looked as if he’d been in an accident or something recently, so she doubted the earache story.  “Are you sure?  Can I get you anything?”

“No, thanks.”  Justin stood stiffly and excused himself before making his way out to the terminal.  Without any luggage to claim, he headed straight for the car rental counter.  But on the way there, the pain in his head became almost unbearable, and he was afraid he might get sick.  He ducked quickly into the nearest men’s room and splashed some cold water on his face.  It did the trick to relieve the worst of his nausea, but the relentless agony continued.  “Damn it…”  He left the restroom and found a seat in a corner, away from the worst of the crowd.

Justin stayed there until finally the aching in his face and head began to subside, all the while cursing his body’s weakness.  There was something he needed to do, and it needed to happen before it got any later.  He rose gingerly and hunted down the nearest pay phone so he could call Camarin.

***

The afternoon was dank and gray, matching Justin’s mood.  He drove the rented Mustang down tree lined streets that looked familiar, but felt foreign until he reached his destination.  He pulled up along the curb and stared at the house.  The windows were dark.  It had never occurred to him until just now that the objects of his quest might not be at home.  No matter.  He would wait.  As long as he had to.

But then Justin saw movement through the kitchen window.  Someone was inside.  Steeling himself, he got out of the car, shaking off the dizzy spell that resulted from standing.  It was now or never.

Colleen Delaney wondered who was ringing her doorbell in the middle of the afternoon.  So help me, if it’s that pesky vacuum cleaner salesman again… She opened the door and couldn’t help but feel apprehensive.  The man standing on the front step did not look well.  He was pale, his face was bruised, and he had stitches.  He was wearing some sort of a sling on his right arm.  And he looked familiar…

Justin thrust his left hand into his jeans pocket when he noticed it was shaking.  “Mrs. Delaney?”

“I’m sorry, but how do you know me?”  The polite thing to do would be to invite the man inside.  But, Colleen wasn’t about to do that just yet.  Her husband, Gerard, was running errands and would not return for a few hours.

“You uh…you knew me a long time ago.  My name is Justin Quinn.”

Colleen’s eyes flew open in disbelief.  “Justin?”

“Yeah, it’s me.”  Justin was well aware of the flood of emotions his presence might cause.  Guilt niggled at him, but there was no way he was leaving here until he had the answers he sought.  “I’d uh…shake your hand, but…”  He indicated his right hand, which was snugged up against his body due to the immobilizer.

“That’s okay.”  Colleen wiped her palms on her skirt.  “Come in…come in…”  She stepped to the side and allowed Justin to enter. “My Lord, Justin…how many years has it been?”

“Too many.”  Justin had always liked Abby’s mother.  She was a simple woman who had married into high society.  She had never been fond of keeping up appearances or spending time at the country club, but had done so out of respect for her husband.  To her credit, she had never allowed that kind of lifestyle to mar her humility.  And, she had fostered that same sort of attitude in her daughter.

“Won’t you sit down?”  Colleen offered.  “You look like maybe you should get off your feet for a spell.”

Justin did not offer an explanation for his appearance, but he sat down on the edge of an overstuffed chair in the living room.

“Can I get you anything?  Coffee?”

“No, thanks.”  Justin studied the deep lines on Mrs. Delaney’s face and decided the years had not been kind to her.  He supposed losing two children could have that effect on a person.  “I don’t plan to stay long.  I’m here, because…there’s something I need to talk to you about.”

“Oh?”  Anxiety fluttered in Colleen’s chest.  She had a feeling she knew what this was about.

“Yeah.”  Justin suddenly realized he had no idea where to begin.  “I um…I got some information this week, and I…Well, I just can’t imagine it could possibly be true.  But, I needed to find out for sure.  And you and Mr. Delaney are the only ones who would know…”

Colleen could see that Justin was struggling.  She sat down in the chair opposite him.  “What is this about, Justin?”

Justin could not even begin to explain the myriad of things that had been going through his head since he’d spoken to Jonas yesterday.  The only thing he knew for certain was that if James LaCour was his son, then Abby was undeniably the mother.  Other than Camarin, there had been other women since Abby with whom Justin had had sexual relations, including Dixie McCall.  But, Dixie had been about twenty years ago, and all the others more recent still. And James was certainly older than twenty.  Besides, the more Justin thought about James’ eyes, the more he remembered Abby.  And there were other things too.  Like the baby’s cry at the cemetery, and his dreams.  But, he couldn’t go into any of that without sounding like a lunatic and risking being thrown out on his ear.  He decided to just come out with it.  If Jonas was wrong, he would gladly accept looking like a fool and be on his way.  Of course, Mrs. Delaney could always lie.  After all, if Jonas was right, she’d been lying for twenty-seven years.  “I met a man a few weeks back.  I have reason to believe he may be my son.”

Colleen’s blood turned to ice.  She looked down at the floor.  “I see…”

Having already gotten his feet wet, it was time for the plunge.  “The summer before our senior year.  When you took Abby away.  It was because she was pregnant, wasn’t it?”

In a matter of minutes, decades old secrets were unceremoniously exhumed.  Colleen’s eyes grew moist.  The truth was something that she had tried to bury along with her daughter, but the fact was there was not a day that had passed since July 20, 1950 that she did not think of her grandson.  What he would look like now.  Who his parents were.  What he was doing.  She opened her mouth to speak, but emotion prevented any words, so she simply nodded her head.

Justin’s headache was back.  And he couldn’t sit any longer.  Rising to his feet, too angry to notice the discomfort it caused, he began pacing the room.  “Oh my god…He was right…”

Colleen collected herself enough to speak, but her voice sounded small.  “I’m sorry, Justin…”

“You’re sorry…”  Justin shook his head in disbelief, then stopped in his tracks and turned to face Mrs. Delaney, his face painted with betrayal.  “You’re sorry??”  He took a step closer.  “Abby had a baby…our baby…and no one ever bothered to tell me about it.  And all you have to say is you’re sorry?”

“Justin, please listen to me.”  Colleen begged.  “It was complicated…”

“Oh, I bet it was complicated!  You couldn’t have anyone finding out your teenage daughter got herself pregnant.  Hell, no!  They’d throw you out of your damn country club!”

Colleen felt horribly accused.  “You’re right…”

“Of course I am!”  Justin was standing directly over Mrs. Delaney now.  “But damn it, it wasn’t your decision to make.  You had no right!”

“Abby was our daughter.  We did what we thought would be best for her…”

“What was best for her?”  His ability to reason clouded by his ire, Justin was not able to see Mrs. Delaney’s point of view.  If he had been, he might have understood that at least part of the reason for what they did was with Abby’s future in mind.  She was supposed to finish high school and go to college, two things that would have surely been difficult while raising a child.  Not to mention the stigma associated with being a teenage mother.  “Bullshit!  You did what was best for you!”

Colleen was fighting back tears now, and as much as she wished Gerard would come home, she was glad in a way that he wasn’t here.  “I won’t lie to you, Justin.  That was part of it.  But, you have to understand…”

“Well, I don’t understand.”  Justin turned away then as he fought to control his own emotions.

Several long minutes lumbered by, the only sounds in the room the ticking of the antique grandfather clock in the corner and Mrs. Delaney’s quiet sobs.

Finally, Colleen straightened and her soft voice reached out.  “Justin, please.  Won’t you please sit down and listen to me?  I promise I’ll explain everything.”

Justin wasn’t sure there was anything left to explain, but he did as he was asked.  He couldn’t believe it.  He had a son.  He and Abby.  It was something they both had talked about…had dreamed about.  His heart felt as though it might shatter at the thought of Abby having to give up their baby.  Justin guessed…no he knew with all his heart and soul that it hadn’t been her choice.  Rather, it was something she had been forced to do.  He thought again about the night she had called him from California.  She had been crying.  Now he knew why.  And, what a horrible burden for her to have to bear.  Not only did she have to give up a child, but she had been forced to keep him a secret.  Justin wondered…if Abby hadn’t been killed in the accident, would she eventually have told him the truth?  His head throbbed with renewed animosity.

Colleen took a moment to carefully plan how she wanted to proceed.  “I can’t blame you for being angry with us, Justin.  Believe me, if I had it to do over again…”  Her words trailed off, and she shook her head.  “No…no, that’s not right.  If I had it to do over again, I would have done it exactly the same way.  You have to believe me, it wasn’t easy…”

That much Justin could allow.  “I’m sure it wasn’t.”

Colleen took a deep, shaky breath and continued.  “When Gerard found out Abigail was pregnant, he…”  She looked away and then back again.  “I’d never seen him so angry.  He punished Abigail and I honestly thought he would kill you.  But, once he calmed down he realized how it would look… to his family, his associates, our friends.  If they found out…”

Justin seethed with disgust.  “I knew it…”

“I didn’t agree with him.”  Colleen defended.  “At least not at first.  But, then…Gerard convinced me that having a baby wouldn’t be good for Abby.  He decided she should…”  Her eyes welled up with tears at the memory.  “That she should have an abortion.”

Oh my god…Justin thought he would vomit.  The idea of Abby having to endure something so vile made him want to strangle Mr. Delaney with his bare hands.  Abortion had just recently been legalized, but Justin supposed that in 1950, if someone had enough money, she could buy a safer procedure than most of the unfortunate and desperate women who had died while murdering their babies at the hands of inhuman butchers.

“Abby pleaded with him.  Justin, it was horrible for all of us.”  She looked to Justin for some sign he understood, but he remained quiet.  “Between myself and Abby, we were able to talk Gerard out of it.  But, he still insisted she give up the baby for adoption.  And he forbade us from ever telling anyone about it.”

“Him.”  Justin managed, softly.

“Excuse me?”

“Him.”  Justin spoke louder this time.  “His name is James.”

“Actually no, it isn’t.”

“What are you talking about?”  Now Justin was becoming confused.  LaCour’s first name had been James, right?  Yes, he was sure about it.  Damn it all, his head was spinning.  “I thought…”

Colleen wiped her eyes when they began tearing up again.  “Abigail named him Justin.  After you.  But Gerard crossed it out and scribbled James.  He was determined that child would have no connection to you or to Abby.”

Justin’s own eyes glazed over as he considered what Abby had been forced to go through.  He knew how important it had been to her to have children.  With him.  It had to have been unbelievably difficult for her to have to not only give up her baby, but to have to keep it quiet.  He fumed with renewed anger.  “I can’t…I thought you had to have the father’s permission to put up a child for adoption.”

“Not if Abigail said the father was unknown.”

The implications of Colleen’s statements hit Justin like a ton of bricks.  In addition to every other horrible thing her parents had forced her to do, Abby had to essentially claim she was a tramp.  This just kept getting better.  The walls suddenly seemed to be closing in, and Justin felt overly warm.  He stood.  “I gotta go…”

“Wait, Justin.”  Colleen stopped him with a gentle grab to his good arm.  “Please.”

“I’ve heard all I need to hear.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to somehow find out if James LaCour is really my son.  And then figure out how to make up the last twenty-seven years to him.”

“He’s really your son.”  Colleen held onto Justin’s arm.  “I’m sure of it.”  After an awkward moment, she went on.  “He came here.  A few months ago.  Looking for you.”

“He…”  Justin felt as though he might pass out.  Instead, he took his seat again.  “So…you sent him to L.A.?  You told him where I was?”

“I called your mother, because I wasn’t sure where you were.  I told her I had something of Abby’s I wanted to send to you.”  Colleen remembered the conversation quite well.  She had reasoned she was telling the truth in a way.

“So…when he…”  Justin’s mind was turning somersaults now.  After his meeting with Jonas, he had just assumed this was all one giant coincidence.  But, now he realized that apparently James had known who he was before coming to the clinic that night.  It hadn’t been a wildly coincidental random act of violence.  It had been planned.  But why…why if he came all that way to find him would he try to kill him?  It didn’t make sense…

“When he what?”

Justin shook his head.  “Nothing.”  He still couldn’t believe how this had all come about.  “So…James just showed up here on your doorstep one day, and you just told him where he could find me?”

“He told me that he knew who I was.”  Colleen admitted.  “That the orphanage had given him our names.  I told him I didn’t believe him, because all of that information was to be kept confidential.  He finally admitted that he had a ‘connection.’”

“Considering his record, I’m not surprised.”

“His what?”

“According to the news, James has a pretty extensive criminal record.”  Justin decided to fill Colleen in.  After all, considering his upbringing, it shouldn’t come as a shock to anyone.

“The news?”

Justin shook his head.  “Never mind.”  He took a deep breath.  “So he had a connection at the orphanage who gave him your names.  He came here to talk to you, and you told him where to find me?  Just like that?”

Colleen couldn’t blame Justin for being upset.  But, she wished he understood that she had never meant him any harm.  “You make it sound like it shouldn’t have been so easy for me.  Well, let me tell you something.  If Gerard had been here when James paid us his visit, he probably would have thrown him out.  But, it was just me.  And…”  She started crying again.

Justin softened.  He leaned forward and took Colleen’s hands in his own.  “You were glad to see him, weren’t you?  You regret giving him up.”

Colleen nodded, immensely grateful to finally have someone with whom she could share her decades old secret.

Justin leaned in further, until he was forehead to forehead with Abigail’s mother.  The two shared a cry together until finally Justin pulled back, and he squeezed Colleen’s hands with determination.  “Don’t worry.  I’m gonna figure out a way to fix things.  And then, I promise you, your grandson will be a part of your life.  If I have anything to say about it.”

As happy as Justin’s words made her, Colleen feared what Gerard’s reaction would be.  Well, she didn’t care anymore damn it.  She had a right to be a part of her grandson’s life.  After all, she had lost her own children.  James was all she had left.  She had been about to thank Justin when something he had said stuck in her mind.  “Fix things?”

Justin let out a long sigh.  “James is in jail.”

“He is?”  Colleen’s heart fell into her lap.  “I thought you…didn’t he find you?”

“Oh, he found me.”  Justin almost laughed at the irony, but there was absolutely nothing funny about this situation.  “He’s responsible for this.”  He pointed to his injuries.

“What…”

“He came to my clinic one night.  I assumed he was after some drugs.  Then, he pulled a gun and said he needed money.  He assaulted me and ran off with my wallet and my car.”

“Oh, Justin…I’m so sorry.”  Colleen’s guilt increased tenfold, along with any hope of a relationship with her grandson.   “I thought…when he said he wanted to find you…He seemed so sincere.  I had no idea…”

“I’m not so sure he wasn’t sincere.”  Justin thought back to that night.  While he couldn’t remember a lot of details, there was one thing we was sure of.  James had seemed nervous, like he had something he had wanted to say, but was too afraid to say it.  At any rate, Justin intended to get to the bottom of it.

“What do you mean?”

“I’m not sure.”  Justin stood again.  “But, I intend to find out.”  He reached out to shake Colleen’s hand.  “Thanks for the information.  And…I’m sorry.  I know it hasn’t been easy for you.”

Colleen had no response to that, so she changed the subject.  “You’ll be in touch?”

“If you want me to be.”

“I do.”  Colleen promised.  To hell with Gerard.

Justin nodded, then made his way back to the rented Mustang.  He eased his aching body down into it, then sat staring at the Delaney’s house for a long while.  His heart swimming with a mixture of emotions, he considered driving to his parents’ for a visit.  But, in the end, decided against it.  For one thing, he didn’t feel like dealing with his mother’s reaction to his injuries.  For another, he didn’t feel like explaining why he had come here.  Not yet.  So, he put the car in drive and headed back to the airport.  Two hours later he was on his way home.

***

The prison guard frowned as he turned his key in the large, metal lock on James LaCour’s cell door.  He didn’t like the news he was about to deliver.

“What’s going on?”  James asked.  It wasn’t time for lunch or exercise.

“You’ve been sprung.”  The guard informed, disgustedly.

“Huh?”

“Sprung.”  The guard reiterated.  “As in someone posted your bail.  You’re free to go.”

“You’re shittin’ me.”  James could not help but think this was some sort of a cruel trick.  After all, the guards on his block were not above such a thing in his opinion.

“Hey, if you don’t wanna go, I will.”  Jonas called out with a devilish grin.

“Shut it, Quinn.”  The guard warned.  “I wasn’t talking to you.”

“Hey, I was just sayin’ if the kid wants to stay, I’ll gladly go in his place.  After all, there is a bit of a family resemblance, dontcha think?”

James shot Jonas a look that would surely have dropped the man dead if it could kill.  “See ya around.”

“Got a feeling you won’t.”  Jonas called out as he watched the guard lead James down the corridor.  Then, he turned to face his cell.  And smiled.

***

Having been told the gentleman who posted his bail was sitting out front in a dark blue Mercedes, James’ heart began racing.  Could it be?  And if it was, then Jonas had betrayed him.  Not that he should have expected anything less.  He tried to avoid the man in the vehicle, but it was no use.

Justin swerved and swayed until he had effectively cut off James’ way.  “Hop in.”

“No, thanks, mister.  I’ll hitch a ride.”

But, Justin would have none of it, swerving and effectively cutting off James’ only escape route.  “I said, hop in.”

James opened the door and slid into the passenger seat, never once making eye contact with Justin.  He knew that Justin knew.  He could feel it.  And it made his skin crawl with awkward anticipation.  “You uh…the guard says you posted my bail.  Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.”  Justin strained to look at his son without seeming too obvious.  Now that he knew the truth, there was no denying the resemblance to both him and Abby.  “But, you’re not completely off the hook.”

“I figured as much.”  James still could not bring himself to look at Justin.  His father.

“I dropped all the charges I had against you.  But, you’ll still face a few from the state.  I talked to my lawyer this morning, and under the circumstances he’s pretty sure he’ll be able to get the D.A. to agree to a plea bargain.  You’ll have to do community service…”

“Hey, that’s okay, man.  Thanks.”

An awkward silence followed, with neither man having any idea what to say.  Finally, it was Justin who broke the ice.  “Not a problem.  I just…need you to answer a question for me.”

“What?”

“Why…after all these years…did you suddenly want to find me only to nearly kill me once you did?”

James was quiet.  How could he possibly explain in a way that made sense?  “I…I needed money.”

Justin’s heart felt as if it had been kicked.  “And that’s the only reason?”

Here was his chance.  His chance to get it all out.  All the emotions that he’d been harboring.  All the anger, the hatred, the betrayal, the feelings of abandonment, the jealousy…But, he had no idea where to begin.  “Not exactly…”

Justin could tell James was struggling.  And who could blame him?  He decided to try to make things a bit easier.  “Look, for what it’s worth…I know you must hate me.  You probably blame me for just about everything that’s gone wrong in your life, and I can’t fault you for that…”

“I don’t hate you.”  James’ voice was so quiet it could barely be heard above the hum of the Mercedes engine.  “I just wanna know why.  That’s all I need to know.  Just…why.  Then, you can kick me out and go back to your nice house and your family knowing you did your good deed for the day.”

“You are my family.”  Justin reminded him.

James said nothing, his emotions rising to the surface.  He would not let Justin see him cry.  No way.

Justin sighed.  “You said you wanted to know why.  Why what?  Why your mother and I gave you up?”

James nodded.

“Your mother was very young when she had you.  She didn’t want to give you up, but her parents made her.  Trust me, if it had been up to Abby…”  Justin’s voice trailed off at the memory of dreams that had never been allowed to come true.  He looked over at James and noticed that the young man was trying very hard to keep his emotions in check.  “Abby never told me she was pregnant.  Her parents brought her out here to have the baby and then they made her give it…give you up for adoption.  She was never allowed to tell me.”

“So you…”  James wasn’t sure how to feel.  He almost felt robbed in a way.  He wanted so much to be angry at this man, but now he found that he couldn’t be.  “You never knew about me.”

“Abby was killed in a car accident about a year after you were born.”  Justin informed.  He felt it was important for James to know that if it hadn’t been for that tragic event, things might have been different.  “Her secret died with her.”  He allowed a moment for this to sink in.  “I really think that if Abby hadn’t…died…she eventually would have told me.  She wanted children so much.  We would have found you…”

No longer able to stop himself, James put his chin to his chest and began sobbing softly.

“I’m so sorry.”  Justin reached out with his left hand, but quickly realized he wasn’t sure what he intended to do with it.  He drew back.

“I’m sorry, too.”  James finally forced out.  It felt good.

“For what?”

“For…”  James pointed toward Justin’s face.  “I just…well, I saw that picture of you with your family, and…”

“I think I understand.”  Justin didn’t feel the need to force James to explain further.  Surely he had been harboring anger and resentment his entire life.  Seeing that blatant reminder of the family he had been robbed of, the family he should have had, had surely been enough to cause him to act out.  “Seems to me we have a lot of lost time to make up for.”

“You mean that?”  James didn’t want to get his hopes up.  In his life, he had learned early not to do that.

“But, first let’s get you something to eat…”

***

Justin almost knocked on Todd’s office door.  Almost.  He had loaned James a pair of scrubs and left him at the other end of the ward, in his own office, while he broke the news to his boss and long-time friend.  Todd had served as a father figure for Justin on many an occasion over the past two decades, and he needed to be the first one to know.  If for no other reason, than to give Justin some advice on how to proceed.  He had just about gotten up the nerve to knock again, when the door opened, startling him.

“Justin?  What are you doing here?”  Todd had been under the impression that Justin had learned his lesson and would be home resting.

“Can I…talk to you for a minute? It’s important.”

“I was just getting ready to do rounds.”  Todd looked down at his watch.  “But, okay.  Just make it quick.”  He waited until his friend had crossed the threshold, then closed the door.

Justin took a seat in the chair opposite Todd’s desk and watched as Todd seated himself behind it.  He had no idea how to start.

“For someone who wants to talk so badly, you’re pretty quiet.”  Todd was growing concerned.  It wasn’t often Justin asked for his time like this.  Sure, there were plenty of times when they would discuss patients, but Justin wasn’t back at work yet.  So, that meant it had to be something else.  Over the years, Todd had learned that when Justin requested a chat, it was usually regarding something pretty serious.

“Yeah, I guess I am…”

“Everything okay at home?”  Todd wondered if Camarin had gotten upset with Justin for leaving without telling her.  Although he doubted that was it.

“Yeah, everything is fine.”  Justin insisted.  “At least it is right now.”

Todd leaned forward, resting his hands on the desk.  “Justin, what’s going on?”

“Well, Todd…”  Justin began hesitantly.  “The reason I had to go to Pennsylvania…I needed to talk to Abby’s parents.”

“About?”

“Something Jonas told me.”

Okay.  It was beginning to make sense now.  A little.  “And did you get to talk to them?”

“I talked to her mom.  Which was a good thing, because I don’t think it would have gone so well had her father been home.”

Todd almost laughed at that.  Abby had been dead almost thirty years, and yet here sat Justin, talking about her parents as if he were still a teenage boy trying to get permission to take her to the drive in.  “Are you going to tell me what this is all about, or keep me guessing?”

Justin shifted in his seat.  “I’m trying…it’s just…”  He rubbed at his eyes.  He hadn’t gotten much sleep the last few nights, and it was catching up with him.  “God, Todd this is huge…”

“Huge?”

“Life changing.”  Justin asserted.  “It’s something that will affect my entire future.  And, I don’t know how to tell Cam.  I don’t even know if she’ll understand.  She…”

“Whoa, now wait a minute.  Slow down.”  Todd took a deep breath, which prompted Justin to do the same.  He wondered what it could be.  Was Abby still alive?  That would certainly be huge, life changing news.  “Tell me.”

Justin figured he may as well just say it.  Then, they could deal with the aftermath.  “I have a son.”

Todd nearly choked on his own saliva.  “You what?”

“A son.  With Abby.”

Todd mentally calculated the math.  If Justin had a son with Abby he would be in his late twenties by now.  “You’re sure?”

“Yep.”  Justin sighed in relief.   Now that Todd knew, it seemed easier somehow.

“And you never knew?”

“Nope.  Not until Jonas told me.”

Now that part made no sense.  “Wait a minute…how did Jonas know?”

Now this part might be a bit trickier.  “Because my…son…”  It still felt strange to say the word.  “…Was in the same cell block as Jonas.  I guess they shared secrets.”

“And Jonas, just told you.  Out of the kindness of his heart.”  Todd was having a hard time swallowing that part.

“I’m having a hard time figuring that out myself.”  Justin admitted.  “I don’t know what his motivation was, but…it’s true.  I talked to Abby’s mother about it.  And, this morning I went over to the orphanage.  The woman I talked to verified everything.”

“God, Justin…I don’t even know what to say.”  Todd seldom found himself at a loss for words.  But, Justin had been right.  This was pretty overwhelming news. 

“Well, and you don’t even know the rest.”  Justin ran his tongue over the insides of his clenched teeth while he reasoned what Todd’s reaction would be to the next bit of information.  “My son is James LaCour.  Ring a bell?”

“Yeah…how do I know that name?”

“Because it was all over the news a few weeks ago.”  Justin sighed.  “James LaCour is the guy who assaulted me.”

“He…you…”  Todd was tongue tied.  And he felt angry.  But, he wasn’t sure if he should.  “What the hell?”

“I don’t know everything myself yet, Todd.”  Justin admitted.  “He said he had come to L.A. looking for me.  He needed money.  That much I know.  That night…I don’t know, Todd, it was like he wanted to talk to me about something.  I can’t really explain it.  It’s just a…a feeling that I have.  Then, he saw the picture of me with Cam and the girls, and I guess it made him angry.  It reminded him of the life he never had…”

“That still didn’t give him the right to do what he did!”  Todd could not believe what he was hearing.  Son or not, he could not believe that Justin was defending this man.  “Justin, he nearly killed you!”

“I know.”

Todd blew out a long breath.  “Man, what a mess.”

“Tell me about it.”

“Well, what are you going to do?”

“I don’t know, Todd.  I can’t blame him for what he did.  I’ve thought a lot about it.  Imagine that you grew up thinking your parents didn’t want you, that they could just so easily give you away.  Then, one day you come face to face with one of them.  Hell, I’d be angry too.”

Todd nodded.  “I suppose so.  But, still…There’s angry, and then there’s attempted murder.”  He allowed that sentiment to linger for a bit.  “So, now what?”

“That’s what I was hoping you could help me figure out.”  Justin admitted.  “He’s down in my office waiting for me.  I don’t know what to do next.  I have to tell Cam, but I’m afraid of how she’ll react.  I mean, this is a child I had with Abby…”

“Wait, he’s down in your office?”

“Uh-huh.”

“How did he…”  Todd rubbed at his eyes as realization dawned.  “You dropped the charges, didn’t you?”

“I did.”

“Justin, he broke the law!  Several of them!”

“And I’ve already met with my lawyer who told me he’ll still be facing charges from the state.  I’m not sure where that will go yet.  I’m hoping we can plea bargain down to community service…”

Todd was trying hard to understand, although he supposed when it came down to it, he shouldn’t be surprised.  Justin had always had a compassionate, forgiving heart.  And he was sure he was feeling some guilt himself over this whole situation.  “This wasn’t your fault, you know.”

“I keep telling myself that.”  Justin frowned and played with a baseball that had been sitting on Todd’s desk.

“But…”

“I should have seen it!  I can’t believe I didn’t figure it out back then!  I mean we…Abby and I…her parents were out, and…”

“Having sex doesn’t automatically make her pregnant.”  Todd reminded.

“I know, but her parents took her away for the summer.  And there was this night she called me.  She was crying.  And when she came home, she was sad for the longest time.  And different somehow…”

“You were a teenager.”

“I should have been able to…”

“Justin, you could spend the rest of your life condemning yourself.  That’s not going to change anything.  What’s important is, you know now.  So, the question is, what are you going to do about it?”

“Honestly?  I have no damn idea.”

“You need to tell Cam.”  Todd knew Justin already knew this, but he figured he would reinforce the idea.

“Yeah…I do…”

“And then I suppose the two of you will need to figure out how involved you’re going to be in James’ life.  If I know you, you’re already finding yourself wanting to jump in with both feet and right twenty seven years of perceived wrongs.  But, Cam may not feel the same way…”

“Right.”  Justin had considered that.  Camarin had never seemed to have an issue with his past with Abby, but now there was a living, breathing connection to that past.  A biological child.  Something he and Abby shared that he and Camarin never would.  He wouldn’t be able to blame his wife for feeling some jealousy or regret.

“James is not exactly an upstanding member of society.  And, he comes with a lot of baggage.”

“Yeah…”

Todd was silent for a while as he considered whether Justin was seeing the broad picture here.  He picked up a pen and started twirling it around on his desk as he thought.  Finally, he set the pen back down.  “Justin, I know you want to do right by James, and I’m not saying you shouldn’t.  But just…be careful.  I mean…you don’t know anything about him.  How do you know he’s not just someone claiming to be your son?”

“Because he’s not, Todd.  I know he’s not.”  As unbelievable as it may seem, it had never entered Justin’s mind that James was not telling the truth.  He could feel it.  There was an undeniable connection there that he would not be able to explain if he tried.  He supposed that if Todd had children, he might know.

“And let’s not forget he has a criminal past.  He’s already tried to kill you…”

“If he wanted to kill me, he would have done it already.”  Justin’s stomach tightened as he considered Todd’s concerns.  They would be the same concerns Cam would have, and who could blame them.  In truth, Justin wasn’t entirely sure James wouldn’t try to hurt him again.  But, he was willing to take the chance.  “He had a loaded gun, and he used it.  He could have just as easily used it on me.”

Todd couldn’t deny that Justin had a point.  “Maybe you’re right.  But, just…”

“I’ll be careful, Todd.”  Justin could feel his headache creeping back.  “I mean, what else can I do?  He’s my son…”  In that moment it was as if the events of the past 48 hours closed in on Justin, holding him down and suffocating him.  He felt overwhelmed.  He had a son.  An adult son with a sordid past.  What was going to happen now?  Would Cam understand?  What about his family?  But, wait…James was his family.  Justin’s head pounded in time with his increasing heart rate as the walls closed in.

Todd was on his feet in seconds and moving around his desk toward his friend.  “Justin, are you all right?”  He stopped short when he realized Justin wasn’t about to keel over.  He noticed the slight hitch to his breathing and the tear that tracked down his cheek.  Not knowing exactly what else to do, he said nothing, but placed a steadying hand on Justin’s good shoulder.  He stood there in silent support for a good while before finally speaking.  “It’s all going to be okay.”

Justin stood and turned to face his long time boss and friend.  Having chosen independence early in life, he wasn’t accustomed to having to lean on someone.  But, right now Justin felt as though if Todd weren’t standing there in front of him, he might have crumpled to the floor.  He accepted Todd’s hug gratefully, despite only having one arm to return it.

Todd fought back his own unaccustomed emotion as he offered Justin a few reassuring pats on the back.  In that moment he vowed to himself that he would help sort this all out any way he could.

Justin knew that Todd wasn’t one to wear his heart on his sleeve, and that a physical gesture of support such as this one wasn’t something he offered freely.  And, so it meant more than any words possibly could have.  “Thanks, Todd.”  He wiped the moisture from his eyes.

Todd smiled.  “Anytime.”

Justin straightened and headed toward the door.  “Hey, can you spare a few more minutes?”

Todd looked down at his watch.  “I guess so.”  He followed Justin out of his office and down the hall.

Justin opened the door to his own office and found James pacing the room, as nervous as a caged cat.  “James?  There’s someone I want you to meet…”

***

Justin and James headed downstairs.  They intended to find someplace for James to stay.  Justin had considered asking him to stay at the house, but he couldn’t quite bring himself to do it.  Son or not, Justin did not fully trust James.  And he had to consider Camarin’s feelings, as well as the girls’ safety.  A hotel would do for a week or two, but during that time, a better option would need to be found.

The two were dodging their way through the bustling emergency room on their way to the exit, when one particular gurney caught Justin’s attention.

“John?”

John Gage was being wheeled in, eyes red, covered in soot, wearing an oxygen mask, and flanked by his partner.  He reached up to remove the mask, but was quickly thwarted.

“He took in a little smoke.”  Roy explained.  He noticed the scruffy looking, scrub clad man standing beside Justin, but said nothing, figuring he was a trainee or something.  “He’ll be fine.”

Justin winced in sympathy, remembering how he had felt after breathing in too much smoke.  But, he knew Roy Desoto knew a lot more about its properties than he ever would, so if he said Johnny would be fine, then he would.  “That’s good.”  He moved beside his brother-in-law.  “Hey, I’ve got a few things to take care of.  I’ll check on you later, okay?”

Johnny coughed harshly at the irritation in his airways.  “’Kay…”  He watched as Justin and James continued walking down the hall until curiosity got the better of him.  He removed the mask.  “Who’s your friend?”

Justin turned and smiled.  “Who, this?”  At Johnny’s nod, he added, “This is James.  He’s my son.”  And with that, he smirked and led James down the hall without another word.  Behind them lay Johnny, his jaw agape.

“Wha…who…”

“See ya later, John!”  Justin called out, enjoying the game for now.  He knew Johnny was about to be whisked into a treatment room, which from the looks and sounds of him was exactly what he needed.  He would need to explain eventually, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t have some fun in the short run.

Johnny looked at Roy, his mouth still hanging open.  “Was that…did he just say what I think he said?”

“I think he did.”  Roy was as dumbfounded as his partner, but surmised there must be some logical explanation they would all sort out later. 

“But…he…what the…who…”

Roy firmly deposited the oxygen mask back over his partner’s mouth and nose.  “Don’t stammer.  It’s a waste of air.”

“But, he…”  Johnny pointed down the hall.

“…Will fill us all in eventually.”  Roy smiled as he followed Johnny’s gurney into the treatment room.

***

Roy had been true to his word, as Justin stopped by Johnny and Hannah’s place the next morning, after Johnny got home from work.  He had left James at the hotel.  There would be time for introductions later, after everyone got used to the truth.  Besides, Justin had been concerned over how his family might react.  And rightfully so.

“So…you have a son who’s only a few years younger than me…”  Johnny mused out loud.  He couldn’t believe it.

“Yeah.”  Justin took a sip of his coffee.  “Wild, huh?”

“Huh.  Yeah…”

“What’s wild is…”  Hannah rose from the table and began busying herself making more brew.  It appeared it was going to be a two pot morning.  “I just don’t know, Justin.  I mean…we know this guy is a con man.  We know Jonas is well…Jonas.  Don’t you think it all just seems a little too…”

“I know how it looks, Han.”  Justin rubbed at the back of his neck with his free hand.  “Believe me, I’ve been over and over it in my head.  But the person at the orphanage confirmed everything he told me.  And Mrs. Delaney too.  Besides, it’s just a feeling I have.  I just…know.  I know that sounds weird…”

“No…no, it doesn’t sound weird.”  Hannah moved back to the table and placed a hand on her brother’s uninjured shoulder.  She thought of the twins.  As a parent, she couldn’t deny the connection she felt to them.  It defied explanation, and she figured anyone who had never had children of his or her own would never be able to fully understand.  Then, she remembered the day she had seen James’ picture on the news, and the unexplainable feelings it had stirred in her.  “Besides, I remember thinking James looked familiar.  I couldn’t really explain it.  It was just…strange.  But, now that I know, well…it’s obvious.  It’s just still so hard to believe…”

“It is hard to believe.”  Johnny shook his head.  “It’s just a lot to take in, you know?”

“I know.”  Justin knew there would be more to this conversation, so he waited, giving his family the time they needed to sort things out.

“I just…it’s going to be weird.  I mean, the guy tried to kill you.”  Johnny wasn’t sure how to communicate his feelings.  He wanted to be happy and excited for Justin and James.  After all, this was good news, wasn’t it?  He wasn’t sure…

“Yes, he did.”  Justin made no attempt to defend James’ actions.  He knew how he would feel if the situation was reversed.  He was having trouble coming to terms with that part of it himself.

“How do we know we can trust him?”  Hannah finished the thought she knew her husband was struggling with.

“We don’t.”  Justin replied honestly.  “That’s why he’s at a hotel and not at my place.  It’s going to be a lot to work through, I know.  But, he deserves a chance.  I have to give him that.”

“I guess we all have to give him that.”  Johnny decided at last.  He finished his coffee, and stood up.  “So, Camarin and the girls don’t know yet?”

“No.”  Justin took a deep breath.  “I need to talk to her this morning.  She knows something is up.  I never explained why I went to New Colton, or where I’ve been since I’ve been back.  She knows I’m here now, but she doesn’t know why.”

“And, you’re not even supposed to be driving, are you?”  Hannah reminded her brother.

“No, I’m not.”  Justin waited for the lecture that didn’t come.  He smiled.  That was one thing he could always count on from Hannah.  She had always supported him, no matter what.

“Do you want us to go with you?  To break the news to Cam?”  Johnny offered.  He tried to figure what her reaction would be. 

“No, thanks.”  Justin downed the last of his coffee and walked the cup over to the sink.  He needed to get this done.  Then, he could rest.  Or, so he hoped.  He would need his strength in order to see James through the results of his charges, not to mention all of the emotional challenges that were down the road.  He said his goodbyes and slid behind the wheel of his Mercedes.  As he made his way down the long, gravel road that led away from the Gage ranch, he tried to ignore his blurring vision and increasing headache.  He went over and over how he would break the news to Camarin, and felt more nauseous with each passing mile.

***

“Justin, you’re scaring me.”  Camarin had been nervous ever since she had found the note Justin left for her on his pillow.  It was not like him to leave like that, especially after he’d been given orders to rest.  Then, ever since he had come home, he’d been distracted.  It seemed he always had someplace he needed to be, and he had been secretive about it, asking her to trust him, that he would explain everything as soon as he could.  Apparently  now that time had come, and she braced herself for the worst.

“I know, Cam.”  Justin reached out and took her hand in his.  “And I don’t mean to.  It’s just that I have some really big news.  News that will change our lives.  And…I’m scared too.”  That was the truth.  He was scared to death that he would have to choose between kindling some sort of relationship with his son… and his wife, who he loved with all that was in him.

Now Camarin was really nervous.  “What are you afraid of?”

Justin was quiet.  He didn’t want to speak what was on his mind, for fear that would make it come true.  “Of losing you.”

Camarin’s heart leapt to her throat.  Was Justin cheating on her?  No…not Justin… “You’re not going to lose me.”  She promised, hoping it was true.

Justin let go of Camarin’s hand and looked around the room, as if he were searching for someone to help him.  Finding no one, he began to explain the reason for his recent behavior.  “I went to talk to Jonas the other day.  I told you he was full of shit, but for once in his life, he wasn’t.  He told me about a guy he met in prison.  He turned out to be the same guy who assaulted me…”

Camarin wasn’t sure where in the world this was going, but she remained silent, allowing Justin the time he needed.

“Anyway, this guy…James…”  Justin stopped and blew out a long breath.  He felt more helpless than he ever had.

Sensing her husband’s struggle, Camarin knew that whatever he had to tell her was difficult.  “Justin, whatever this is about…I’m not going anywhere.  I love you.  Just tell me.”

Filled with new resolve, and praying his wife would be able to keep her promise once she knew the truth, Justin continued.  “Well, it turns out that…he’s…James is…”  He swallowed hard.  “He’s my son.”

To Camarin it felt as if all the oxygen had suddenly left the room.  Her mind tried to grasp at the unbelievable words Justin had just spoken, but they wouldn’t hold on.  This was too much.  “Your…”

“I know it’s hard to believe.  I didn’t believe Jonas myself.  That’s why I had to go to Pennsylvania.  I needed to talk to Abby’s parents…”

Justin’s words hit Camarin in the throat.  Abby’s parents?  So, he and Abby had a child together?  She tried to speak, but no words would come.  However, tears didn’t seem so elusive.

“I knew you’d be upset…”

Finally, Camarin’s voice seemed to work.  “I…I don’t…”  She wiped her tears with the back of her hand.  “You’re sure?”

Justin nodded and waited.  He knew he would need to give his wife some space, some time to absorb this.  And it was killing him.  He wanted her to understand, wanted her to just tell him everything was okay.  That’s what his heart longed for.  But, his mind knew that wouldn’t be fair.  And that it wouldn’t be that easy.

“And you never knew?  How could you not know?”  Camarin knew her tone sounded accusatory, but she couldn’t help it.

Justin explained how the Delaneys had gone to great lengths to hide Abby’s pregnancy, how they had forced her to keep the truth from everyone, including him.  “…And I guess James reached a point in his life when he wanted to find out who his parents were, to confront them…find out why they had abandoned him.  He found someone who was able to get that information for him, but at a price.  Now he owes this guy money, and…”

“And how do you know he’s not just using you?”

“Because I know.”  Justin allowed a few seconds for that statement to sink in.  He got up and began to pace the room.  “And I know it’s hard to believe, and I know he tried to kill me…I know all of that, Cam.  I’ve been over and over it.  But, the fact is, James is my son.  I need to let him know it wasn’t Abby’s choice to give him up, and it certainly wasn’t mine.  He’s had it rough, Cam…”

“It’s not your fault.”  It broke Camarin’s heart to think that Justin was blaming himself for the way James’ life had turned out.

“It feels like it is.”  Justin stopped pacing and sat down, feeling as though every ounce of energy had been leeched from his bones.  “And if I walk away now…”  His voice caught.  “I can’t abandon him again, Cam.  I need you to understand…”

Camarin walked over to Justin.  She placed her hand on top of his bowed head and drew him close to her.  “I’m trying to understand.  I just…I may need some time.”

Justin felt as though someone had stabbed him through the heart. He mistook Camarin’s explanation to mean that she wanted some time away from him.  “I…I guess I owe you that much.”  He stood slowly.  “I’ll be at Todd’s.”

“Wait!”  Camarin grabbed onto Justin’s good arm.  “Why are you leaving me?”

“I’m not leaving you.”  Justin felt about as confused as he ever thought possible.  “I thought…”

Camarin wrapped her arms around her husband.  “Please, don’t go.  I didn’t mean…”  She began crying harder.  “I don’t know what I meant.”

Justin held tight to his wife.  And in that moment he realized he loved her more than he ever thought it possible to love.  “I think I do.”  He pulled away and led Camarin to the couch where he sat down beside her.  “Let me try to explain something.”

Camarin responded by giving Justin her full attention.

It took Justin a while to compose his thoughts.  He knew what he wanted Camarin to know, but he had to communicate it just right, or she might misunderstand.  That was an error he could not afford right now.  “I just recently made a decision to let go of Abby, to move on.  It was the right decision, because…you are my wife now.  And, I love you.  Only you.  You believe that, right?”

Camarin nodded.

“And now James comes along and…well, he’s a living, breathing reminder of the love Abby and I shared.  But, that was a long time ago, Cam…”

“She gave you a child, Justin.  The one thing you’ve always wanted, that I can’t…”  Camarin paused as the tears started to flow harder.

As if prompted by Camarin, Justin’s eyes began to fill.  “The one thing you can’t give me?”  At Camarin’s nod, Justin sighed wearily.  He wasn’t sure what to say to that.  Camarin had hit on the truth.  Justin had always longed for a child of his own, and he had been devastated to learn that Camarin would not be able to give him that.  But, in the end he had decided that didn’t matter.  His love for Camarin far outweighed his desire for children.  But, no matter how he tried to figure out a way to tell her that, he kept coming up short.  “It’s true.  Abby gave me a son.  But Cam, he’s an adult.  I didn’t get to be there for his childhood.  To watch him grow, to be an influence on him.  I didn’t get to pitch a ball to him in the back yard, or…or go to his high school graduation…or talk to him about girls.  I missed out on all the things that a Dad is supposed to do.  It’s not the same…”

“I just don’t know…”  Camarin tried not to let this bother her.  She tried to be happy for Justin.  After all, she knew how much he had wanted a child of his own, and now he had one.  It wasn’t fair to deny him that just because she couldn’t be the one to give it.  But, try as she might, she couldn’t help the jealousy that crept into her soul.  She wanted to believe she could grow to love a child of Abby’s, just as Justin had grown to love Kaya and Rose.  “I love you so much…”

“God, I love you too.”  Justin drew Camarin into an embrace, completely ignoring the pain in his shoulder.  He smoothed her hair and absorbed her tears.  “I know it’s a lot to ask of you…”

“It’s okay…we’ll figure it out.”  Camarin held tight.  She thought of the girls…and of Justin.  He had accepted Kaya and Rose, even though they were not flesh and blood.  He had vowed to love them and protect them, knowing how much they meant to her.  The fact that James was a connection to Abby became a bittersweet enigma.  Camarin supposed she could spend her life resenting him, or she could embrace the fact that Justin now had a tangible link to the woman who had once been so important to him.  It all came down to this:  Camarin loved Justin so much, she would also love the son he had with Abby.  It was the only choice she had.  “One way or another…we’ll figure this out.”

The couple held each other for a long time until there were no more tears left.  Then finally, Camarin sat back and brushed her hair away from her face.  “So…what now?”

Justin told Camarin all about how he had dropped the charges against James, but that he fully expected some sort of repayment for what he had done.  He explained that he had been in contact with his lawyer, and the hope was that James could be sentenced to some sort of community service, of Justin’s choosing.  Camarin was pleased to know Justin wasn’t letting James off the hook without recompense.

The couple discussed their concerns over James’ violent behavior and decided that he would need to earn their trust.  The girls’ safety was a priority, and boundaries were laid down.  James would need to prove himself before he could have any contact with them.

 Justin let Camarin know about the money James owed to Ben, and that his lawyer had gotten a detective involved who would track Ben down.  It was all part of a plea bargain aimed at helping bring justice to a host of other criminals with whom James had been involved.  It was risky, but it was a chance at redemption, and an important step toward a new way of life.

In the end, the couple made a promise that no matter what lay ahead, they would stand strong together.  For better or for worse.

--Finis

Author’s notes: 

A big thank you once again to my best friend and beta, Mary Ann.  You make it fun to keep the carnage coming.  As always, I was sure to put in lots of Kel-isms.  My little gift to you.

To the readers:  Thank you so much for sticking with me through this series, which truly has become a labor of love.  I found out Justin owies are as much fun as Johnny owies, and I hope you agree.  Besides, it’s nice to give Johnny some mental suffering for a change…

The next story in this series (and possibly the last) is currently in the works.  It’s called “Cold Fire.”  I’ve taken the owie factor up a notch.  Okay…maybe several notches.  Hehehe.

As long as you take the time to read…I will take the time to write.  My promise to you.  Thanks, everyone!

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