Baptized by Fire  -  Part 4

Justin parked his car and pocketed the keys.  He spied the large sycamore at the east end of the park where Abigail had asked him to meet her.  It was a common meeting spot for the teenage couple, a pre-arranged place that no one else knew about.  Now, at dusk, the park was nearly deserted.  And Abby was easy to spot in her pink sweater.  Justin hurried his pace.

The sight of her boyfriend caused tears to well up in Abigail’s eyes, and she found herself falling into his protective arms.

Justin was taken aback, but managed to hold onto his girl as he stroked her hair soothingly.  “Hey…hey, what’s wrong, Abs?”

Abby’s heart constricted with forbidden secrets…secrets she desperately wanted to share.  She dreamed of running away with Justin…hopping into his car, the two of them driving away into the night with nowhere to go but together…somewhere no one would ever find them.  But she knew such a course of action would only bring trouble.  No, Abby was confident that the best way to insure a future with Justin was to stay the course, to go along with her parents’ plan, even if that meant some heartbreak in the short run.  But now that the time had come to let Justin in on the plan, she couldn’t bring herself to say the words.

Justin continued to support his sobbing girlfriend, his expression cautious and uncertain.  Was Abby breaking up with him?  No, he couldn’t bear that… “Come on, Abby.  Talk to me.  What was it you wanted to talk to me about?  Did something happen to Tommy?”  As upset as Abby was, Justin was worried maybe she had received bad news about her brother in Korea.

“No…”  Abby sniffled and shook her head as she separated at last.  She looked up at Justin’s concerned expression, his strong, handsome features, and wondered how she was going to do this.  “No, Tommy’s fine.  I um…I wanted to tell you that Mom and Dad are taking me to Los Angeles for four months.  They want me to go to a special summer school out there.”

“Four months?”  To the seventeen year old, it may as well have been an eternity.  Justin had such plans for the summer, plans that included Abby.  “Abby…why?”

“Who knows?  It’s my parents.”  Abby explained as if it should explain everything.  “I wish I didn’t have to go, but you know how they are when they get an idea in their heads…”

“But, Abby, why now?”  Justin couldn’t believe it.  Who did the Delaneys think they were separating them like this?  Did they hope Abby would forget him once she got sight of all the bronzed boys out in California?  Did they think he wasn’t good enough for her?  Was that it?  Or was it because of Jonas?  Was this just one more thing his twin brother would screw up for him?

“I don’t know…”  Abby lied.  She couldn’t even bring herself to look Justin in the eye.  “They found out about this school…I don’t even remember the name of it now.  They said it’s a great opportunity for me.”

Justin ran his hand through his hair, shaking his head as he began walking in the opposite direction.  “I don’t understand…”

“I know it’ll be hard, Justin.”  Abby followed him and placed a hand on his back.  “But, look at it this way.  This is a chance to show our parents how serious we are about each other.  If this doesn’t come between us, nothing ever will.”

“Nothing could ever come between us, Abs.”  Justin said softly, as he stared down at the ground, not daring to turn around and look at Abby’s face just yet, knowing if he did, he wouldn’t be able to control his emotions.

“Justin, look at me.”

“Abby…”

“Please?”

Justin turned around then and pulled Abby close to his chest.  “Four months.  Do you know how long that is?  I’m gonna miss you so much.”

“I’ll miss you too.  Just thinking about it makes me sick.”

Justin shook his head.  “You’ll be fine.  You’ll be out there with the beach and Hollywood…and all that.  And I’ll be stuck here with…Jonas.  Without you to get out of the house and do things with, he’ll drive me nuts.  Not to mention Hannah who’ll pester me to drive her to the lake…take her out for ice cream…”

“I’ll write to you every day.”  Abby promised. “And I’ll call you when I can.”

“You’ll forget all about me.”

Abby reached up and cupped Justin’s face in her hands, staring into his soul with eyes the color of the periwinkle sky.  “Justin Quinn, I will never forget you.”

“Abby…”  Justin tried to look away, but Abby held fast.

“I will be back in four months.  And then you and I are going to finish school and get married and have…”  Abby’s voice trailed off, emotion welling in her eyes again.

“We’re going to have lots of babies together.”  Justin finished the dream.

Abby nodded without speaking.  She was crying again now.  It seemed as if she wished it too hard, it would never come true.

“When do you leave?”  Justin asked as the couple walked hand in hand toward the fountain in the center of the park.

“Next Saturday.”  Abby said glumly.

“Okay.”  There was nothing to do now but accept it.  Somehow they would get through this, and they would be together again in the fall.  Somehow. 

“Oh, I almost forgot.  I have something for you.”  Abby stopped and reached into her sweater pocket.  She pulled out a black leather braided necklace with a silver pendant coiled into a celtic knot design. Reaching up, she fastened it around Justin’s neck.  “I saw this at that little shop down on Market, and I thought you’d love it.”

Justin looked down, fingering the pendant, trying to make sense of the elaborate woven pattern.  “What…what is it?”

“The lady at the store said it was a symbol of strength and protection.”

Justin was flattered, but felt slightly embarrassed that he didn’t have anything to offer in return.  “It’s great, Abby, but…it’s not my birthday or anything.”

“Well consider it an early present, since I won’t be here in July.  Besides…can’t I just give you something because?”

“Because what?”

“Because I love you, silly!”  Abby slapped at Justin playfully.  She loved him so much.

“Yeah, sure.”  Justin smiled.  “That’s always good to know.”

“Wear it all the time this summer.  Don’t ever take it off.  That way, it can be like you always have part of me with you.”  Abby laid her hand over the necklace which rested right over Justin’s heart.

Justin’s hand moved to cover hers.  “I’ll always have you with me, Abs.  But, okay.  I’ll never take it off.”

Justin’s hand moved to his neck and his eyes sprang open in alarm.  The necklace was gone.  Where..? He breathed a sigh of relief as he looked around the room and remembered he was at Rampart. Shrugging off the last remnants of the dream, he remembered John telling him he had taken the necklace off in the ambulance.  While he trusted his friend had kept it safe, he suddenly felt uneasy as a mysterious guilt welled up in his throat.  The necklace had been a gift from Abby.  But, Abby had been gone a long time and he was with Camarin now.  Maybe he shouldn’t still feel so naked without it.

Before he could think much more about it, the door opened, and Camarin stepped quietly into the room. She noticed immediately that her fiancé didn’t look like he was feeling as well as he had been yesterday.  And he was dressed in a gown again.  That was strange.  She had figured he would be wearing the sweatpants and T-shirt he had asked for.  “Justin?”  She moved closer to the bed.  “Is everything okay?”

It was then that Justin realized no one had told Camarin about what had happened during the night.  “Yeah…”  He reached up and latched onto her hand, clasping it in his own as he rested it again on the bed.

Camarin noticed the new IV.  “Where did that come from?  Justin, what’s going on?”

“Relax, Cam…everything’s fine.”  Justin wasn’t sure what was worse, his embarrassment over what had happened, or the fact that his stupidity was causing worry for the woman he loved.  “I just…I did something really dumb last night.”

“Oh?”

Justin looked down at his lap.  “Yeah.  I uh…I got it in my head that I wanted to try some weight bearing…”

“Justin…” 

“So I got out of bed.  And, well…standing went pretty well.  So I decided to try walking.”

“And that didn’t go so well?”  Camarin smiled, careful not to cause Justin to feel any more shame than he already did.  She knew how important it was for him to be mobile.  But, she also knew he was probably beating himself senseless inside right now, thinking that because of his job, he should have known better.

“It did for a step or two.  But, God…it hurt so bad.”  Justin cringed at the memory.  “Much more than I thought it would.  And then…I’m not sure…I think my good leg gave out.  And, I just didn’t have enough strength to keep from falling.”

“Oh my God, Justin.  You fell?”  Camarin’s mind began racing.  She wondered what kind of damage he could have done to himself.

“Yeah, but I’m okay…really.”

Camarin began folding back the blankets.  “You didn’t make your leg worse?”

“No…”  Justin looked down at the swollen appendage.  “Todd said it was fine.  Sore…but fine.”

“Well, thank the spirits for that.”  Camarin replaced the covers and started pulling them up over Justin’s chest.  It was then that she noticed the tube snaking out from under his gown.  “What’s that?”

Justin followed Camarin’s eyes.  “It’s a chest tube.  When I fell, I broke my ribs over again, and one of the sharp ends punctured my lung…”

“What?”  Camarin was having a hard time concealing her alarm.

“When that happens, it causes air to leak out when you breathe, and then the lung collapses.  So, they put the tube in to release the pressure, give the air a way to escape, so the lung can re-expand while it heals.”

“That sounds serious.”  Camarin wandered around to the opposite side of the bed, curious to see where the other end of the tube ended up.

“It can be.”  Justin agreed.  “But, luckily Todd was here and he knew what to do.  I’ll be fine.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.”  Justin reached again for Camarin’s hand and held it reassuringly.  “Although I won’t be able to get on my feet as long as I’m anchored to that thing.”  He tilted his head toward the pleurovac beside the bed.

“No…I guess not.”  Camarin thought Justin had to be devastated.  She knew how much he wanted to get out of bed.  And the fact that he had done something foolish, causing his progress to be set back, had to be eating away at him.  “How long?”

“Probably about a week.”  Justin guessed.  “In the meantime, I’ll keep working with Karen.  And by the time the tube comes out, I’ll be ready to get walking.”

“Okay.”  Camarin pulled down the gown and peeked at the dressing surrounding the plastic tube.  “Does it hurt?”

Justin didn’t want to lie, but he didn’t want to worry Camarin needlessly either.  The truth was, that damned tube was just about one of the most uncomfortable things he’d ever experienced.  “It smarts a little.  My ribs bother me more than the tube does.”

“Anything I can do?”

“Just being here is enough.”  That much was true.  Justin couldn’t deny that he felt better whenever Camarin was around. 

The couple continued their small talk with Camarin giving updates on what was going on at the business and promising to bring in some more homemade food.  She filled Justin in on how Hannah was doing and reported that Johnny’s shoulder was doing well.  When it became obvious that Justin was tiring and seemed ready for sleep, Camarin knew this conversation would soon be coming to an end, so she brought up something that was on her mind.

“The girls have been asking about you.”

Justin closed his eyes and took a guarded breath as he thought of Kaya and Rose.  He hadn’t seen them since he was hospitalized.  “I miss ‘em.”

“They miss you too.  They asked if they could come in and see you…”  Camarin began.  She had told them she would ask Justin if it was okay.  But that was when he seemed to be doing much better, when he was wearing normal clothes and was free of any tubes or wires.  She was concerned they might be frightened by some of the medical paraphernalia, but in the end decided that their desire to see Justin might override their fear.

“I’d love to see them, but we’d have to check with Todd…”

“Check with me on what?”  Todd Andrews asked as he stepped into the room.

“Oh hi, Todd.”  Camarin looked over at her shoulder and her eyes followed the tall doctor as he moved to the end of Justin’s bed and plucked his chart from its cradle.  “We were just talking about my girls…they asked if they could come visit Justin.”

“And, what do you have to check with me about?”  Todd asked as he scanned the chart, studying the nurses’ notes from the past several hours.

“Rose is a little young…”  Justin explained.  “She’s only eight.”  Rampart’s visitation policy stated that all visitors had to be at least twelve years of age.

Todd returned the chart to its cradle and moved to the side of the bed.  “Well, I think as long as you feel up to it, and as long as she’s supervised…we could bend the rules a bit.”  He folded down the covers.  “How’s the leg?”  He began palpating it gently, carefully avoiding the stapled incision.

“It’s a little sore.  Not too bad.” 

Todd watched Justin’s face carefully, observing for any signs he was shading the truth about how he felt.  Satisfied, he replaced the covers and moved around to check the chest tube insertion site.  He peeled back the bandage carefully and gently felt the slightly red and swollen incision, stopping when Justin flinched and pulled away.  “Sorry.  That’s gonna be tender for a while.”  He replaced the bandage.  “Has Burke been in to see you today?”  Todd had consulted with the pulmonologist this morning.  It had been decided he would assume care of Justin’s newest lung injury.  He hadn’t seen any notes in Justin’s chart, but that didn’t mean the doctor hadn’t checked on him.

“Not yet.”  Justin eyelids were growing heavy.  He hoped Todd would be finished soon so he could take a nap.

“I’m sure he’ll be making his way around here soon.”  Todd surreptitiously watched the rise and fall of Justin’s chest, checking to see if it was equal on both sides, silently counting his respiration rate.  He noted that Justin’s breathing was slightly rapid and shallow.  “You’re gonna feel a little short of breath for a while.  Anything out of the ordinary, you need to let your nurse know about.”  Todd turned his attention to Camarin with some further instructions.  “He needs to be coughing and taking deep breaths to get that lung re-inflated.  So make sure he’s doing that.”

“Okay.”  Camarin agreed, happy to be involved in Justin’s care.

Todd re-opened the chart and began jotting some notes.  “I’m going to increase your Demerol.”

“Todd…”  Justin thought he had made it clear to his boss how much he hated being overmedicated.

“I can tell by the way you’re breathing that you’re in pain.”  Todd stated before Justin could offer much of a protest.  “You need to be able to cough and take deep breaths if you want that lung to heal, and you’re not going to be able to do that if you’re having pain.”

“That makes sense, Justin.”  Camarin agreed.

Now he was feeling ganged up on, but what could Justin say?  He knew Todd was right.   He could hear his own voice telling countless patients the same sort of thing.  He sighed heavily, wincing as his hand move reactively to his left side.  “All right.”

Todd could see that his patient was pretty well spent.  “Take a nap, Justin.  I’ll send a nurse in with your Demerol.”  He winked at Camarin before departing.

Camarin moved her chair closer now that Todd had vacated the space beside the bed.  She laced her arms through the bed rail and gently rubbed Justin’s shoulder with one hand while holding his hand with the other.  “Sorry, honey.  But it really does make sense.”

“I know…”  Justin sighed, too tired now to feel like arguing.  Basking in the loving attention he was receiving from Camarin, he drifted off to sleep.

***

A little over a week later, Johnny had just returned from his appointment with Todd Andrews.  The doctor had cleared him to return to work tomorrow, but still wanted him to work half shifts for a few weeks until he built up a little more strength in his shoulder.  Johnny arrived home to find Hannah napping on the couch, and he smiled at the burgeoning swell beneath her periwinkle maternity blouse.  With her due date fast approaching, Hannah was positively huge.  Johnny would never tell her that, of course.  But, the truth was, he didn’t mind in the least.  To him, she had never looked more beautiful. 

Johnny looked at his watch.  It was nearly dinnertime already and there was so much work to be done around the house and out in the barn.  Hannah had been doing her best, but had really begun to slow down over the past few days.  It seemed even the tiniest of chores left her feeling wiped out and exhausted, and her feet had begun to swell significantly, making it difficult to wear shoes.  Throwing his keys onto the credenza in the hallway, Johnny headed back to the bedroom to change into his work clothes.  He would tackle some laundry first, then get dinner in the oven before heading out to the barn to groom and water the horses and turn them out into the corral for the evening.  Stealing one more glance at Hannah, he couldn’t wait to surprise her with a hot meal when she awoke.

Thirty minutes later, Johnny found himself in the barn pitching forkfuls of hay from the mow into Red’s stall.  The exertion felt good, and he was happy to be able to be working up a sweat again.  He was just about finished when he buried the pitchfork up to the handle, went to lift his load, and was stopped by a harsh twinge in his left hip.  “Damn it,” He muttered as he tossed the fork to the floor and stretched against one of the large wooden support beams in the barn.

Red snuffed and scuttled as if he could sense something was amiss.

“Yeah…” Johnny looked up at the magnificent animal.  “Here we go again.”  He stretched a bit more, then picked up the fork and finished his job, frustrated and angry that the exercise no longer felt exhilarating, but instead had crossed the line to painful.  Leaning the pitchfork against the wall, Johnny decided a quick ride around the corral might help clear his head and loosen up his neglected joints.  He grabbed Red’s bridle from the bench and made fast work of securing it, deciding not to bother with a saddle.  Then, he easily mounted the large animal, wincing as he settled onto its broad back.

Johnny kicked his heels into Red’s ribcage and led the steed outside.  Rhiannon and Hope whinnied and snorted enviously as the duo passed by, stomping their hooves against the floor as they impatiently awaited their own release into the corral. “I’ll be back for you ladies in a few minutes.”  Johnny promised.

The evening air felt cool on Johnny’s exposed skin, causing him to shiver slightly as it dried his perspiration dampened shirt.  The breeze was thick with the scent of pine, and Johnny inhaled deeply, his senses awakening one by one as he eased Red into a trot.  The pain in his hip temporarily forgotten now, his mind ambled to Hannah and the baby, and the family they would soon become.  He thought about Justin, who he had visited today, and Camarin.  Now that Justin was feeling better, they had started making wedding plans.  And Camarin had told Justin she was going shopping with Joanne for furniture for the apartment they would share above the business.  That is, until they found another place on the beach, something they planned to do together once Justin was back on his feet.

There had been a long period of time in Johnny’s life in which he had felt isolated and alone…he had no family and figured he never would.  Now, here he was… a husband, a brother, an uncle… and soon he would be a father.  There was no greater feeling on earth. 

After making one final circle around the corral, Johnny eased Red to a halt.  Feeling rejuvenated, he hopped down but as soon as his feet made contact with the firmly packed soil, he was rudely reminded of why he went riding in the first place.  Agony blossomed in his hip and shot down his leg so swiftly it stole his breath away.  He grabbed onto Red’s mane and leaned into him, breathing in his musky scent until the sparkles stopped dancing behind his eyes and the urge to vomit dissipated.

Suddenly all the optimism Johnny had allowed himself to bask in just a few moments ago turned to fear and dread as an unwanted realization finally occurred to him…one so unthinkable he couldn’t believe he was even entertaining the idea.  Yet, there it was…seeping into the forefront of his brain like some oozing infection.  It couldn’t be.  He had done everything Todd had told him to do.  He had rested for over two whole weeks, hadn’t pushed himself at all, and yet now…on the eve before he was to return to work…the pain in his hip had returned.

Hannah’s voice calling him from the open kitchen window caused bile to creep up the back of Johnny’s throat.  Had she seen him falter when he jumped down from Red’s back?  Steeling himself, he did his best to hide any trace of a limp as he made his way back to the house.  When Hannah didn’t ask if he was okay, Johnny felt some relief that she must not have noticed his distress as he made his way to the bathroom for a shower.  Stepping into the steamy mist, he tried to imagine the cascading water pelting away his doubts and washing them down the drain where they would be carried off into some distant sea.  But, the more he tried to push them out, the more unwelcome thoughts seemed to crowd his brain, in much the the same manner getting rid of one pest seemed to only invite a dozen more.

While Johnny knew Hannah loved working as a veterinarian, he had secretly dreamed of a life where she would spend her days simply being a wife and mother.  It was a life he wanted to give her…and their family.  It was just the way it was supposed to be done.  Sure, if Hannah still wanted to be an animal doctor…part time…for her own sense of enjoyment and self fulfillment…that would be fine.  But, the burden of supporting the household was something Johnny always figured should fall on him, as the man of the house.  After all, his salary offered him the ability to afford a comfortable living.

But now an unwelcome notion niggled relentlessly.  What if the problems he had been experiencing with his hip didn’t get any better?  Plenty of firefighters had been forced into early retirement for far less than what his body had been through over the past few years.  Johnny supposed he had been allowing a certain measure of denial for far too long now.  And for the first time he allowed himself to consider the startling possibility that his beloved career might actually be over.  And what then?  Let Hannah support them?  There was no way in hell that was going to happen.

Johnny turned off the water and stepped out of the shower, wrapping a towel around his waist.  He leaned on the bathroom counter and wiped the steam off the mirror in order to stare at the face looking back at him.  How could he even be considering such a thing?  But the more he stared, the more that face staring back indicated to him that the answer was obvious.  Suddenly Johnny realized his reflection looked older than he had remembered it.  His sun weathered skin and the scars from various mishaps combined together to make him appear older than his thirty-two years.  Thirty-two…professional football players were retiring at that age, weren’t they?  Surely firefighting was every bit as physical as playing football…

A chill coursed up and down Johnny’s spine, breaking his trance.  Shaking it off, he walked down the hall to his bedroom and, making sure Hannah was nowhere nearby, he pulled down a book from high on his bookshelf.  He opened the cover to reveal a small plastic bag with a handful of white pills inside.  Depositing one into his mouth and swallowing it dry, he replaced the bag and settled the book back on the shelf, startling at the sound of a voice.

“John?  What are you doing?”  Hannah had come into the bedroom, both hands supporting her back.

“Nothing…”  Johnny wondered how much she had seen and hated himself for keeping secrets from her.  “I thought maybe I’d do a little reading after dinner.”

Hannah’s eyebrow rose skeptically.  She had never known Johnny to be much of a reader.  “Uh huh.  Well, there’s that baby name book I bought.  It’s a beautiful night.  Maybe we could sit out on the deck later and start picking some names.”

“That…”  Johnny began as he placed his arms around Hannah and kissed her gently on the forehead.  “…sounds like an excellent idea.”  He was relieved that he hadn’t been caught and angry at himself for doing something that caused him worry over being caught in the first place.

“How was Justin today?”  Hannah wanted to know as she sat down on the edge of the bed.

“Looking better.”  Johnny was relieved that he was able to offer this bit of good news.  “They DC’d his chest tube this morning, so he was happy about that.  I guess it’ll be a little while, though, before Todd lets him get up and around.”

“Why is that?”  Hannah wondered.  “I thought they usually liked to get people out of bed as soon as possible.  It’s already been…”

“I know, Han.  And they do.”  Johnny began to explain.  “But Justin’s a lot weaker than he cares to admit.  Everything that’s happened to him…and all this time in bed.  Even he knows he’s not ready…at least on some level.”

“Yeah…I guess people aren’t quite as resilient as animals are.”  Hannah mused.  “Although Justin can be stubborn as a mule…”

“And it’s that same stubbornness that’s going to help him get through the next couple of months.  I remember when I went through therapy and rehab…”  Johnny’s hand moved to his chest.  “There were plenty of times I felt like giving up, but that brother of yours is quite the taskmaster.”

“Well, you can be pretty stubborn too, Mr. Gage.”  Hannah teased.

“Good thing or I’d have punched him out the very first week.”

Johnny’s comment made Hannah laugh.  “I’d pay money to see who’d win that boxing match.”

A brief memory crept uninvited into Johnny’s head as he remembered he actually had punched Justin once.  In the barn, before he had gone to Pine Ridge.  Of course, he had been having a flashback…thought Justin was someone else.  But that did nothing to mask the guilt he still felt sometimes over what might have happened if Roy and Kelly Brackett hadn’t been close by.  Speaking of… “I’d better give Roy a call and let him know I’ll be back tomorrow.  Todd said he’d have his secretary call the department, so I’m sure Cap knows by now.  But Roy was off today, so…”

“Well, don’t let me stop you.”  Hannah said as she tried to push herself off the bed several times only to finally give up and allow Johnny to help her.  “I’ll go set the table.”

“You’ll do no such thing.”  Johnny informed.  “Let me call Roy quick, then I’ll take care of that.  You just relax.”

“John…I’m pregnant, not crippled.”  Hannah reminded.  “I think I can handle setting the table.”

“I know you can.”  Johnny led his wife by the elbow out to the living room.  “But, I wanted to make dinner and wait on you for a change and that includes setting the table.”  He helped lower her into a chair.

“Okay.”  Hannah smiled.  The aroma wafting in from the kitchen was enticing, and she already knew Johnny’s ‘surprise’ was going to be baked macaroni and cheese and hot dogs, one of the few things he knew how to cook.  But that didn’t matter.  It was the thought that counted, and Hannah considered herself immensely fortunate to have found a man who was willing to do things like this for her.  Her mind wandered back to her life with Kent.  How different things had been in that relationship.  Thank God they had never had any children together.

Hannah listened to Johnny speak on the phone to his friend as he worked in the kitchen, and her hands moved to her belly, where the gift inside her was suddenly becoming more active.  “So…baby Gage…”  She gave a light pat.  “Are you a boy…or a girl?”  Leaning back and closing her eyes, Hannah reminded herself again how lucky she was…and how happy she was too.

***

Justin put down his pencil and thought about calling Abby for the fourth time in the past fifteen minutes.  Pushing aside his application to Penn State University’s pre-med program, he stood up and crossed the short distance to the phone which hung on the kitchen wall.  His throat tightened as he picked up the receiver and he replaced it again, hanging his head in frustration.  Ever since she had arrived in Los Angeles, she had called Justin at least twice a week, even if it was only for a minute or two.  But all last week, he hadn’t heard from her.  So, finally he had called, only to be told Abby wasn’t feeling well and wasn’t able to come to the phone.  He had asked Mrs. Delaney to have her call him once she was feeling better, but two days went by and the phone never rang.  Finally gathering up enough strength to call again, he was again put off by his girlfriend’s mother, who insisted that Abby was fine, just wasn’t feeling well enough to come to the phone.

Justin fretted about the situation for the next several days, and with each hour that passed, he had come closer and closer to convincing himself that Abby had met someone else.  Or that her parents had no intention of returning to Pennsylvania, or allowing their relationship to continue.  Justin seethed.  It was because of Jonas.  It had to be.  Their entire lives, he had been nothing but trouble.  Or maybe it was because the Quinns didn’t have the money or the status that the Delaneys did.  It was no secret that they had every intention of sending Abby to the best nursing school money could pay for, while he was destined to study medicine at the State University instead of Johns Hopkins or some such prestigious institution. 

That had to be it.  Abby’s brother, Tommy, had decided to go against his parents’ wishes and join the army. So, there was no way Abby was going to let them down.  She would attend the best nursing school in the country and start her career in one of the best hospitals.  And there was no way her parents were going to let her relationship with him weigh her down or keep her from reaching her academic goals.  No, she would just have to forget about him.

That would explain why, when Abby finally called him just yesterday, she had been crying.  She pretended she hadn’t been, had lied and told Justin everything was fine, that she was having a great time but that she missed him terribly.  But, that she was excited to see him when she returned home in three weeks.

Justin again picked up the phone, squeezing the receiver so tightly his knuckles turned white.  He no longer needed to look at the number he’d scribbled on the pad on the wall, having committed the digits to memory weeks ago.  It took a few attempts, but he finally managed to dial the long distance number, and he paced the floor made available to him by the length of the phone cord as he listened to the distant rings.  He had been just about to hang up when a voice caused his heart to leap into his throat.

“Hello?”

“Abs, it’s me.”

“Oh, hi, Justin!”

There it was again.  She was trying to sound excited, but Justin could hear the carefully veiled sadness in her voice.  No, not sadness.  It was more than that. 

“So…uh…”  Justin suddenly realized he had no idea what to say.  “I still miss you.”

A brief moment of silence.  “I miss you too.  God, I wish you were out here with me.”

Justin closed his eyes.  Abby’s voice cracked.  She was crying again.  Damn it, what was going on?  A fierce sense of protectiveness welled up in his soul and for a moment he considered hopping into his car and driving out there, even if it made no sense.  If he drove straight without stopping, he figured he could be there in a day or two. “Abby, what’s wrong?”

“What?”  A sniffle.  “What do you mean?  Nothing’s wrong.”

She was lying again.

“Abby, you’re crying.  I can tell.”

Another moment of silence.  “I just miss you, that’s all.”

“That’s all?”  It wasn’t, and Justin knew it.

“No…it’s not all.”  Abby admitted, freely crying now.  “Justin…they…they made me…”

Click.

“Abby?”  Justin couldn’t believe the connection had been broken.  Who made her what?  “Abs, are you still there?”  He was rewarded with a dial tone.  “Son of a…”  Justin quickly dialed the number again, but the line was busy.  Ten minutes later, he tried again with the same result.  Finally, an hour later, Abby’s father answered the phone and told Justin Abby had gone to bed…

Justin awoke in a cold sweat.  As his eyes adjusted to the first rays of light filtering through the drawn curtains in his room, he realized he was relieved to be at Rampart instead of standing in his parents’ kitchen wondering about Abby.  He remembered that conversation vividly, as if it had just happened yesterday.  Thinking back, Abby did indeed return to Pennsylvania as promised.  And when Justin asked her about the mysterious phone call, she simply stated that somehow the connection was lost.  She claimed she didn’t remember saying anything about anyone making her do anything. 

Justin remembered thinking Abby seemed different for the first month or so after she returned.  He wanted to chalk it up to the experiences she had at the school in Los Angeles having changed her, causing her to mature a little.  But, although Abby did seem older somehow, it wasn’t in a good way.  It was as if something had happened out there that hardened her, had stolen her innocence for good and replaced it with cynicism and feelings of regret.  But as the months wore on, Justin began to see bits and pieces of the old Abby peek through the melancholy visage.  And before long, graduation was upon them, as well as all of their dreams of the future.

Justin knew that if he dwelled too much on it, the ghosts of his past were still capable of producing tears, so he shook it off, and decided to focus his thoughts on Camarin instead.  He had been so lost in his thoughts, he never noticed someone enter the room.

“Justin?  Are you okay?”

Surprised out of his reverie, Justin looked up.  “Dix…How long have you been here?”

“Long enough to see you’re brooding about something.  And one thing I know about you…you don’t brood.”

That observation brought a slight smile.  “I don’t?”

“No…you’re normally one of the most upbeat people I know.”  Dixie began adjusting Justin’s pillows.  “So, come on.  Out with it.  What’s bothering you?  Is cabin fever starting to settle in?”

“Well, I won’t say I’m not in a hurry to get out of here…”  Justin admitted.  “But, no…that’s not it.  I just…had a bad dream.  That’s all.”

“Anything you want to talk about?”  Dixie wondered, as she brushed a stray piece of hair out of Justin’s eyes.

“No, not really…I…”  Justin paused.  The truth was Dixie was about the only person in the world he could talk to about the disturbing dreams he’d been having as of late.  “It was about Abby.”

“Oh?”  The nurse raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah…”  Justin frowned.  “The question is…why, Dix?  I’ve been having a lot of dreams about her lately.  Why do you suppose that is?  Why now?”

“Well, I think that should be pretty obvious, don’t you?  You and Camarin…making wedding plans…”

Justin shook his head.  “No…no, it doesn’t make sense.  Camarin makes me happier than I’ve ever been in my life.  I don’t have any regrets…”

“It doesn’t have to be about regrets, Justin.”  Dixie fished for a way to explain.  “Abby was taken away from you.  It wasn’t a decision either one of you made.  If that hadn’t happened, you wouldn’t be about to marry Camarin right now.  These dreams are your subconscious mind saying ‘what if?’”

Justin paused for a moment, remembering.  He and Dixie had shared a relationship years ago, an intimate relationship that had ended when Dixie had made it clear she would not play second fiddle to a memory.  As hurt as Justin had been at the time, he ultimately agreed that she had been right.  Dixie had made a convenient substitute for all of the things he missed about Abby…all of the things he had dreamed of having with her.  “You’re right.”  He admitted.  “It’s happening all over again, isn’t it?”

Dixie sighed and continued brushing the hair away from Justin’s forehead.  “Justin Quinn, you deserve to be happy.  And I’ve seen how happy you are when you’re around Camarin.  Did you ever think that maybe these dreams are Abby’s way of telling you it’s okay to move on?”

Justin’s throat tightened.  He was afraid to speak for fear of his emotions betraying him.

“That part of you that still feels loyal to Abby…the part that almost feels…guilty about marrying another woman.  You need to ask yourself what Abby would say to that part if she could.  Would she want you to continue on alone for the rest of your life?”

“I don’t know…”

“Think of it this way.”  The nurse decided on a different tactic.  “If it had been you in that accident…and Abby had lived on…would you have wanted her to spend the rest of her life alone?  With no one to love her?  With no children?”

Justin found he could no longer hold back as the idea of Abby having to deal with the pain of losing him tore at his emotions.  When it came right down to it, it was preferable that he had been the one who had had to deal with the grief and overwhelming loss that were the end result of that dark summer night.  It had been an experience Justin wouldn’t have wished on anyone, especially not someone he had loved as much as he loved Abby.  And he realized that if the situation had been reversed…if Abby had been the one to live on…that he would have wanted her to find someone to love her as much as he had.  And he knew how important children had been to her, how badly she had wanted to be a mother.  It wouldn’t have been fair if she had been denied that because she couldn’t let go of him.  The tear that tracked down the therapist’s cheek was a more definitive answer than Dixie could have asked for.

“That’s what I thought.”  The nurse gave Justin’s hand a gentle squeeze.  “You know what I think?”

Justin sniffed and inhaled sharply in an effort to stop any more tears from falling.  “What?”

“I think it’s time to stop mourning.”

Justin wanted to protest that he didn’t think he was still mourning, but he stopped himself.  Dixie was right.  It had been over twenty five years and he still couldn’t bring himself to completely let go.  And now he had Camarin, who he knew loved him as much as Abby had, but with a maturity the teenage girl hadn’t been capable of.  And he loved Cam.  More than anything.  Maybe even more than he had loved Abby.  Or at least in a different, more complete way.  And as understanding as Camarin was about his devotion to his lost love, it really wasn’t fair to her.  Dixie was right.  It was time to move on.  “You’re right.”  He took a deep breath and let it out with a shudder of emotion.  “But…how?  How do I do that, Dix?  How do I let go?”

“You’re a smart guy.”  Dixie smiled as she adjusted the blankets over Justin’s legs.  “I’m sure you’ll figure it out.”

“Yeah…”  Deciding to change the subject, Justin took another deep breath and let it out.  “Shouldn’t you be down in the ER?”

Dixie glanced at her watch.  “I have another ten minutes before my shift starts.  Is there anything you need before I…”  Her voice trailed off and her features creased in confusion as she seemed to study Justin’s mattress.  “What’s with the bed alarm?”

“The what?”  This was news to Justin.

“The alarm.”  Dixie pointed toward the mattress.

Justin thought about it for a moment, then pressed his head back against his pillow and raised his hand to his forehead.  “I don’t believe him…”

“Who?”

“Todd.”  Justin stated, his hand over his eyes.  “I’m sure he’s the one who ordered it.”

“Now, why on earth would Todd…”  Dixie stopped, then realization dawned in her heavily lashed eyes.  “Ahhh…the night you tried to get out of bed…”

“Not tried.  Did.”  Justin admitted.  “And Todd hasn’t let me forget it.  They just DC’d my chest tube yesterday.  I guess he figured now that I’m no longer fettered to the pleur-evac I might decide to get up again…”

“And you’d be right about that.”  Todd breezed into the room, having overheard part of the conversation between the physical therapist and the nurse.

“Well, I’m going to head downstairs.  I’ll let you two uh…hash this out.”  Dixie smiled as she leaned in and planted a friendly kiss on Justin’s cheek.  “Remember what we talked about, okay?”  She gave his hair a playful toss.

“I’ll remember.”  Justin promised.

Curious, but deciding whatever Justin and his old flame had been discussing was no business of his, Todd stepped up beside the bed.  “So, how are you feeling this morning?”

“Don’t change the subject, Todd.”

“What subject?”  Todd played innocent.

“Really?”  Justin raised an eyebrow.  “You really had to put an alarm on my bed?”

“You’re a fall risk.”  The doctor stated plainly.  “I did for you what I would do for any other patient…”

“Oh, cut the crap.”  Justin rolled his eyes.

Todd took a deep breath and paused for a moment.  “You ignored my orders to stay in bed, and you ended up hurting yourself.  You were damn lucky you didn’t do more damage than you did.  I was following protocol.”

“Protocol my ass!”  Justin exclaimed.  “You’re doing this because you can!  To teach me a lesson!  To…to punish me!”

Todd tried hard to hide the laugh that was trying to escape, but he couldn’t help the smile.  “I’m not trying to punish you!”

Justin crossed his arms, unconvinced.  “You know damn well that’s what it is.”

“Justin…the mere fact that you’re getting so worked up about this tells me I did the right thing.”  Todd explained.  “If you had no intentions of trying to get out of bed again, the alarm wouldn’t be any big deal.”

“It’s the idea, Todd.”  Justin scowled.  “I feel like you don’t trust me.”

“Oh, come on!  I trusted you before and look what happened!  You ended up with a pneumothorax!”

What could Justin say?  He couldn’t deny what had happened.  “Well, I still don’t like it.”

Todd shook his head as he moved down to the foot of the bed to retrieve his patient’s chart.  “You don’t have to like it.  But, it’s staying right where it is.”

“Todd…”

“And…”  The doctor interrupted, thereby stifling any further protest.  “If you follow my orders, and work with Karen...on her schedule…we just may be ready to talk about discharging you at the end of the week.”

This news made Justin take notice.  “Really?  A week?”

Todd closed the chart and returned it to its cradle.  “I spoke with Kel…and with Dr. Burke.  We all are in agreement that as soon as you’re able to transfer to a wheelchair and take a few steps with a walker, that you could continue with your rehabilitation at home.  Karen is willing to do home therapy sessions, and you know what to do on your own…”

“That’s great!”  Justin instantly felt lighter and more energized.  Just the promise of being able to sleep in his own bed…well, not really his own bed.  That had been lost in the fire.  But, the promise of being able to sleep just about anywhere that wasn’t here…where he didn’t have nurses or doctors waking him up every few hours…sounded too good to be true.  And he would be with Cam and the girls…

“Not so fast…”  Todd warned.  “A lot is going to depend on how you do this week.  And, you’re going to need someone with you at all times once you get home.  At least for a while.”

“I don’t think that’ll be a problem.”

“I don’t either.”  Todd agreed.  “I think it would be helpful if Camarin attended your therapy sessions this week.  She’ll need to learn how to help you transfer.  And, Karen can show her the exercises she’ll need to do with you.  But, I want to talk to her, Justin…to make sure she’s up to the challenge.  I mean I’m sure John Gage will help out as well, but you know, he’s got a baby on the way…”

“Yeah…I know.”  Justin was sure Camarin would be up to it.  But, he didn’t want to allow his impatience and desire to go home influence her.  The truth was, it was a lot of work to care for a person who was rehabbing.  He decided not to say anything to her about it himself, but rather he would let Todd bring it up like he suggested.

“Maybe Roy and Joanne would be willing to help too.  Or Tag.”  Todd offered.  He knew how much Justin wanted out of here, and he felt confident the therapist would heal more readily in his own home, provided he did things by the book, and didn’t try to rush it.  “And I can stop in and check on you.”

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah.”  Todd smiled.  “But, let’s not get ahead of ourselves.  You’re gonna have a lot of work to do this week.  We’ll see how it goes, okay?”

“Okay.”  Justin found that simply having something to work toward was doing wonders for his mood.

“Now…”  Todd rolled the covers away from the lower half of Justin’s body.  “Let’s take a look at this leg…”

***

A few days later, Johnny nudged open the door to Justin’s room, and immediately began backing out when he saw his friend was busy.  “Hey, sorry.  I’ll wait out in the hall.”

But Justin motioned for his friend to enter.  “Come on in, John.  We’re just about done here.”  He paused and looked at his doctor inquiringly.  “I think.”

“Just about.”  Julius Burke nodded, placing his stethoscope on Justin’s back.  “Couple of deep breaths.”

Justin complied with the pulmonologist’s order, taking as deep a breath as his still aching ribs would allow with each new positioning of the stethoscope.  Just when the physical therapist began to think the doctor was being unduly thorough, he finished, removing the instrument from his ears and allowing it to hang around his neck. 

“Everything sounds pretty good.”  Burke reported.  “How does your chest feel?”

“Still feels a little tight.”  Justin admitted as he leaned back stiffly and rubbed the area over his sternum.  “Especially when I move around too much.”

“That’s to be expected.”  Burke explained.  “Do you become short of breath too?”

“Yeah…a little.”

“You’re going to notice that for quite a while, especially upon exertion, or when you’re exposed to certain irritants.”  The doctor pointed toward the small inhaler on the tray table.  “How often have you had to use that today?”

“Just once.”  Justin reported.  “During my therapy session this morning.”

“That’s good.”  Burke moved to the end of the bed and picked up Justin’s chart.  “My goal is for you to get to the point where you’ll be using it less and less or maybe not at all.”  He jotted down some notes.  “I’m going to start weaning you off your steroid.  We’ll see how that goes.”

“Okay.”  This was good news.  One less drug was a welcome thing in Justin’s mind.  He hated having to take steroids anyway.  “Thanks, Doc.”

“You’re welcome.”  Burke replaced the chart.  “I’ll be back tomorrow.”  Then, he turned and nodded a ‘hello’ at his patient’s guest before leaving.

Johnny pulled a chair close to the bed and sat down, an action that caused some level of suspicion for the astute physical therapist.  Always animated, Johnny rarely sat down when he visited.  Unless he planned on staying a while.  But, since he was dressed in his uniform, Justin doubted that was the case.  “So, your lungs are doing good?”

“Yeah, I guess so.”  Justin yawned.

“Dr. Burke doesn’t think there’ll be any long term effects?”  Johnny knew plenty of firefighters who had gotten into some smoke and oppressive heat, suffering injuries similar to Justin’s.  Many of them had to retire from the department.  He knew that even if Justin was doing well, his lungs would never be quite the same again.

“Too soon to tell, I guess.”  Justin explained.  “He said I’m doing a lot better than he expected.  But, I could still end up with asthma or chronic bronchitis or COPD…”

Or lung cancer.  Johnny wouldn’t voice it, but he knew Justin was as aware of that possibility as he was.  “Well, hopefully not.”  He decided.

“How are you doing?”  Justin wondered.  Johnny hadn’t been in to visit for quite a while.  He chalked it up to being busy with work and getting ready for the baby, but looking at him now…he couldn’t help but think there was something his friend was hiding.  “Your shoulder okay?”

“Yeah…yeah…fine.”  Johnny moved his arm around in its socket as if to demonstrate how good he was feeling.  Uncomfortable with the attention being focused on him, he deftly redirected.  “So, I hear you’re gonna be sprung in a few days.”

“So they say…”  Justin shifted in bed slightly, trying to relieve the persistent aching in his legs.  “But, I have to be able to transfer to that chair…”  He canted his head toward the wheelchair in the corner of the room.  “And I have to be able to take a few steps with the walker.  So far, Karen hasn’t let me do more than a few toe touches.”

Johnny thought back to when he had been going through rehabilitation with Justin at the helm.  He remembered how frustrating it had been when he wanted to do more than his therapist allowed him to do, even when they both knew damn well he was capable.  “Well, remember what you told me…you gotta be patient.”

Something wasn’t right.  Johnny should be playfully throwing Justin’s words and advice back in his face right now…all in good fun, of course.  He should be reveling in the fact that his friend now had to go through the very same ‘torture’ that he had dished out on him, thereby completing the proverbial karmic circle.  But he wasn’t.  It wasn’t like John.  “Yeah, I know.  Harder to be on this side of things though.”

“I bet.”  It was becoming harder for Johnny to ignore the nagging ache in his own leg.  He could only hope that Justin would not have to endure the ongoing issues he seemed to be dealing with.  Although Justin should still be able to perform his job duties under such circumstances, it was an aggravation the paramedic would not wish on anyone.  He hadn’t discussed with anyone yet his decision to have an honest discussion with Todd Andrews about his future with the department, mostly because he was fairly confident it would end with the orthopod agreeing that maybe it was time to consider hanging it up.

“Something on your mind, John?”  Justin couldn’t help but notice his friend seemed a million miles away.

“Huh?”  Johnny was angry with himself that he was apparently so obvious.  “No…just thinking.”

Suddenly it occurred to Justin that it made perfect sense for Johnny to be a bit distracted.  “Won’t be long now, huh?  ‘Til that little one shows up?  How’s Hannah doing by the way?”

“Oh, she’s doing great.”  Johnny was relieved at the change in subject.  “I think she’s holding up better than I am.”

“Knowing Hannah, I’m not surprised.”  Justin smiled.  The thought of his little sister becoming a mother filled him with absolute joy.

“Hey, guys.”  The conversation was interrupted by Todd Andrews, who entered the room with Karen on his heels.  “How’s it going?”  The question was directed at both men.

After some brief small talk, Todd cut to the chase.  “John, you’re welcome to stay, but as soon as Camarin gets here we’re going to try getting our friend, here, out of bed.”

Johnny stood carefully, hoping the others didn’t notice his stiff ascent.  “As much as I would love to be here for that…I better get back downstairs.  Only a matter of time before we get a call.”  He waved the handie talkie he was holding in his hand.

“Right.”  Todd nodded.  Then, he pointed toward Johnny’s hip.  “How’s that going?”

“Fine…just fine.”  Johnny insisted.  Then, he offered his good-byes and exited.  Out in the hallway, he stopped and looked around before taking the small plastic bag out of his pocket, cursing himself the whole time.  He slid a small, white pill onto his tongue and downed it with a generous amount of water from the nearby fountain, as if a copious amount of liquid could somehow wash away his feelings of guilt over what he was doing.  He looked at his watch.  Only a few more hours and he could go home.  He just needed to get through the next few hours.  But, no amount of rationalization made the vile taste the Demerol left behind any easier to swallow.  He would call and make that appointment with Todd tomorrow, he told himself, as he made his way back down to the ER where Roy was waiting.

Camarin stepped off the elevator and noticed Johnny coming toward her.  “Hey, John.”

But, Johnny continued as if he didn’t hear.

“John?”  This time the query got her half-brother’s attention.

“What?”  He snapped out of his thoughts.  “Oh, hi, Cam.”

“Are you okay?”  Camarin asked thoughtfully.  “You seem distracted.”

“I’m okay.”  Johnny wished everyone would quit asking him that.  “Roy’s waiting for me downstairs.  I gotta go.  I’ll talk to you later, okay?”  He decided he didn’t want to allow Camarin to ask too many questions.  If anyone could see right through him, she could.

“Okay…”  Camarin eyed him skeptically.  “See you later.”  She continued on down to Justin’s room and stepped inside.   After greetings were exchanged with Todd and Karen, she stepped up to the bed and offered Justin a greeting of a different kind.  “Hi there.”  Leaning in, she planted a kiss directly on her fiancé’s mouth which he returned with a great deal of enthusiasm.

“Whenever you two lovebirds are through…”  Todd urged.

Karen rolled her eyes.  “Oh, Todd, for crying out loud.  Let them say hello.”  She thought back to the brief, yet very physical relationship she and the orthopedic surgeon had once shared and wondered curiously if there had been any women in his life since.

Todd offered no retort as he pulled aside Justin’s covers, noting he was wearing a pair of loose fitting sweatpants, but still had a gown on.  “Did you want a shirt first?”

“Oh, darn it!”  Camarin exclaimed. “I knew I forgot something.  You asked me to bring you a sweatshirt, and I still need to get you one.”  All of Justin’s clothes had been destroyed in the fire, and with the unseasonably warm temperatures, buying such a heavy garment had slipped Camarin’s mind.  But, Justin had lost some muscle mass, which had left him feeling cold much of the time.

“Don’t worry about that…I got it covered.”  Todd tossed a navy blue article of clothing at his friend and patient.

Justin unfolded the sweatshirt and looked at it, recognizing it as one of Todd’s.  It sported the UCLA colors and logos.  “Nice, Todd.”  Justin said flatly.  He had gone to USC, one of UCLA’s hardiest rivals, and he knew Todd was getting a kick out of this.  Mock-scowling, he allowed Camarin to help him into the well-worn shirt, wincing as his sore ribcage protested.

“First thing we’re going to do is work on transferring.”  Todd explained as he lowered the height of the bed.  “If that goes okay, we might take a few steps.”

“Might?”  Justin asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Yes, might.”  Todd asserted.

Justin sighed heavily, knowing there was no use arguing.

“Let’s take things one step at a time.”  Camarin soothed.  She knew how much Justin wanted to come home.  And she wanted him there, too.  But, she would rather be patient and follow the proper steps than risk having him injured again.  With any luck, it would only be another few days.

Justin wanted to scream.  He could feel every session he’d spent with every patient coming back to haunt him now, as the very words he had used himself ran through his head.  In his mind he knew Karen and Todd were doing things the right way.  There was a process to be followed in order to guarantee the best results, and most times it had to be followed almost to the letter.  But in his heart he knew…he just knew he could do more…if only they would let him.  “Yeah…okay.”

“Okay, let’s see you swing your legs around here.”  Karen patted the side of the bed, indicating she wanted Justin to move himself into a position where he was sitting on the edge of it with his feet on the floor.

“I think you and I both know I won’t be ‘swinging’ anything, but here it goes…”  Justin used his hands to support his weight as he pushed himself up into a sitting position, groaning as his injured ribs seemed to grate against one another.

“Easy…take it slow.”  Todd urged, standing with arms crossed.

“That’s about…”  Justin winced, his breath catching.  “…the only speed I can manage right now, Todd.”  He inched his way into position, then used his hands to carefully move his injured leg over the side of the bed, hissing through his teeth and doing his best to control his pain with short pants.

“Do you want some Demerol?”  Todd offered.  He had written standing orders for it, and Justin’s nurse had offered it again before his therapy session, but he had refused the medication.

“No…just…”  Justin stopped talking, using every ounce of energy he possessed not to cry out as his entire body seemed to resist the simple act of moving.  He was almost in position when a blaring sound pierced the air.  “Son of a…”

Todd moved quickly to disable the bed alarm.  “Sorry about that.”  He smiled at his patient, then at the others.

“I’ll just bet you are…”  Justin scowled as he finally rested both feet on the floor.  The cool tile felt good, and he allowed it to seep through the soles of his feet and up his legs as he tried to catch his breath.

“Are you okay?”  Camarin asked, concerned over how out of breath Justin seemed, and also at how much his arms were shaking from the effort of holding himself up.

“I’m okay…”  Justin huffed.

Todd took a moment to explain to Camarin what was going on, realizing she probably was a little alarmed.  “All of his muscles are very weak from being in bed for so long.  This is really hard work for him right now.  But, every time he does it, he’ll become that much stronger.  You can see now, though, why someone will have to be with him at first once he goes home.”

“Yes, I can.”  Camarin agreed, wondering what she would do if Justin were to fall.  She was a strong woman, but supporting his 180 pounds would be no easy task.

As soon as Justin’s breathing slowed, Karen took that as her cue to continue.  “We ready?”  Receiving a nod from her patient, she stood directly in front of him and placed a gait belt around his waist.  She looked over her shoulder at Camarin.  “You want it snug, but not too tight.  About like this.”  Next, Karen took Justin through the steps of standing, pivoting, and lowering himself into the waiting wheelchair, all the while instructing his fiancée so that she would be able to try it next.

Meanwhile, Justin was learning that coaching someone through the steps of a transfer was a million times easier than being the invalid who was transferring.  He was already sweating and breathing heavily, and he knew they were far from being finished.

“We’ll give Justin a minute to catch his breath, then I’ll help him transfer back to the bed.”  Karen said.  “Then, it’ll be your turn.”

Camarin nodded.  “Okay.”  She felt slightly uneasy, but overall it didn’t seem too hard.  Justin had been able to support his weight on his uninjured leg much better than she anticipated he would.

A few moments later, the process was reversed and Karen helped Justin move back to the edge of the bed.  This time, however, it seemed harder for him to get his breathing back under control.

“Justin, you okay?”  Todd placed a steadying hand on Justin’s back, concerned over how short of breath he had become.

“Yeah…yeah, I…”  Justin began to wheeze as his airways constricted, prompting Todd to grab the inhaler off of the tray table and hand it to him.

“Here.  Use this.”

“What’s happening?”  Camarin wondered, although she already knew what the inhaler was for.

Karen kept one hand on her patient’s shoulder as she explained.  “This was a lot of exertion.  His lungs aren’t used to it.  He’ll be okay.”  She waited silently, along with the others, for Justin’s breathing to return to normal.

But it didn’t.  Not even after two hits with the inhaler.

Justin continued wheezing, unable to catch his breath, and finally erupted into a fit of coughing that brought tears to his eyes.  Unable to talk, he continued to gasp and hack endlessly until he thought surely his head would explode and he would pass out from the pain in his ribs.  He saw sparkles of light at the edges of his graying vision, and he was dimly aware of the supportive voices around him and the hands that kept him from falling from the edge of the bed to the floor.

“Come on, Justin…catch your breath.  You can do it.”  Todd urged, rubbing Justin’s back, knowing that if it didn’t happen soon, he would need to page Dr. Burke, who would probably order a nebulizer treatment.

Justin continued to hack and cough, tears streaming from the corners of his eyes until finally it felt as though the powerful coughing would turn his stomach inside out.  The next thing he knew, he felt an urgent discomfort on the back of his tongue and behind his breastbone, and before he could even motion for the emesis basin, he managed to vomit his lunch…all over the front of his borrowed sweatshirt.

“Oh, honey…”  Camarin immediately moved in to comfort her fiancé.  “I’ll get you a warm washcloth.”  She moved to the sink, knowing the others had the situation under control.

Justin sat trembling, his head down, eyes closed.  The bronchospasm seemed to be over, and his breathing was returning to normal. 

“Justin?”  Karen was squatting in front of her patient, and began rubbing the tops of his knees as she looked up at him.

After a few seconds, Justin opened his eyes and looked down at the mess covering Todd’s college logo.  “S…sorry, boss.”  He couldn’t help but crack a tired smile as Camarin returned with the warm cloth and used it to wash his face.

“I’ll just bet you are.”  Todd parroted Justin’s earlier words, returning the smile.  “I’ll send housekeeping in to clean up.  You can uh…”  He paused at the door and looked back.  “…keep the shirt.”

“Gee, thanks.”  Justin quipped as he allowed Camarin to help him carefully remove the soiled garment.

“I think that’s enough fun for now.”  Karen decided, grabbing a fresh gown from the cabinet.

Too tired to protest, and knowing she was right, Justin nodded.  “Yeah…guess so.”

“We can try again later.”  The therapist promised.  “Why don’t you rest for a while?”  She helped Camarin ease Justin back into bed.  “I’ll be back later.”

Camarin pulled the covers up over Justin’s legs.  His disappointment was so palpable, she could practically taste it.  “I’m sorry, honey.  I know that didn’t go the way you wanted it to.”

Suddenly Justin was exhausted.  “No…”  He winced and a growl escaped his lips as a sharp bolt of pain seemed to pass up and down his leg and through his ribs, causing him to curse under his breath.  He didn’t like seeming so vulnerable in front of Camarin.

“Are you all right?”  Camarin knew Justin didn’t want to take any more pain medication and had been doing his best to avoid it.  But, he was obviously in some pain, and she hated seeing him this way.

“I’ll…I’ll be all right…”  Justin insisted.  “Just need to…rest for a bit.”

Camarin looked up as the door opened and Todd stepped back inside.  “Housekeeping should be here soon.”  He looked at Justin.  “Feeling any better?”

“Yeah…”  It wasn’t a lie, but Justin knew he probably looked as bad as he felt.

Todd started to offer the Demerol again, but stopped.  He knew Justin knew to ask for it if he wanted it.  “You know, every time you do that, it’s going to get easier.”

“I know.”  Justin closed his eyes, then opened them again.  He couldn’t believe the simple act of getting out of bed had left him feeling this wiped out.  “I just…wanna get…out of here…”

“I know you do.”  Todd gave Justin’s foot a gentle grab.  “This wasn’t a setback, you know.”

Justin nodded.  He did know.  A patient’s first time out of bed rarely went well.  After all, he did manage to transfer to the chair.  That was the goal for this session.  As a therapist, he would consider it successful.  So, why did he feel like such a failure?  He closed his eyes again, too tired now to carry on a conversation.

“Get some rest.”  Todd gave the foot another squeeze and smiled at Camarin.  “I’ll be back later.”

Camarin pulled up a chair and leaned her head against the bed, wrapping her hand around Justin’s. “I made a bedroom for us in the spare room of the clinic, since you won’t be able to do the stairs for a while.  It’s all ready for you.”

“That’s great…”  Justin slurred.

“And I can’t wait for you to see...”  Camarin continued.  “Every idea you had worked…”  She continued to speak soothingly as she watched Justin drift off to sleep.

***

A few days later, Johnny was helping Camarin put some finishing touches on the clinic.  It was Wednesday.  If things went according to plan, Justin would be discharged from the hospital on Friday, and not only did Johnny want to ensure the environment would be safe for his recuperating friend, by purchasing and installing some handles and other special equipment for the bathroom, he knew Camarin wanted everything to be perfect.  So, a touch up of paint here, and a rearrangement of furniture there…and soon, the siblings looked around admiring the fruits of their labors.

“Thanks, John.  It looks fantastic!”  Camarin couldn’t wait to surprise her fiancé with the finished product.

“It does look pretty good, doesn’t it?”  Johnny smiled.  He was proud of their work, even if his hip was rebelling against the physical labor.  He took a final look around, then walked back to the small kitchen area toward the rear of the building.  He pulled a paper cup from the dispenser on the wall and filled it with water, setting it down on the counter in front of him before pulling out the plastic bag full of tablets from his pocket.

“What are you doing?”

The voice was not accusatory in the least, although it stopped Johnny in his tracks.  Blanching, he looked up and fumbled with the plastic bag as he tried to stuff it back into his pocket.  “Uh…nothing.”  He couldn’t even look at the figure in front of him.

“What’s in the bag?”  Camarin asked innocently, not having any reason to suspect anything out of order, but suddenly wondering what had Johnny so obviously rattled.

“Nothing.”  Johnny hastily lied, feeling sick about it.

“Nothing?”  Camarin was smart enough to know that if it were truly ‘nothing’ Johnny wouldn’t be trying so hard to hide it.  She stepped closer and grabbed Johnny’s arm, eyeing the contents of the bag curiously.  “What are those?  Pills?”

“Yeah…”  Johnny sighed, still unwilling to meet his sister’s eyes.  Then, he became more animated.  “Look, Cam.  You can’t tell anyone about this…”

“What?”  She jumped as Johnny snatched his arm away.  “Why?”  He was beginning to scare her a little.

Another sigh.  “Because…just because, okay?”

The hair on the back of Camarin’s neck began to prickle.  She had seen the signs of drug abuse far too many times on the reservation not to recognize them.  And had seen far too many lives destroyed.  It couldn’t be… “What kind of pills are they, John?”

The fact that Camarin had failed to promise not to say anything did not escape the nervous paramedic.  He sighed again.  “They’re painkillers.  Demerol.”

Camarin felt her heart sink to her toes, but she was still confused.  “Why are you so nervous, John?  You had a shoulder injury…your hip…”  She hoped her brother would offer a logical explanation for his jumpiness.

Johnny slunked down into a chair, feeling absolutely defeated and ashamed.  “I’m not supposed to be taking them, Cam.  Hannah doesn’t know.  Roy doesn’t.  If the department found out I was taking these while I’m working…”

Camarin paced around the room.  “I’m not sure I understand.  If you’re having pain…”

“That’s just it, Cam.  I’m not.  Not in my shoulder anyway.”  Johnny tried his best to explain.  “The pain I’m having is in my hip.  Only I shouldn’t be…not like this anyway.”

“Well, have you talked to Dr. Todd about it?”

“I was going to!  I really was!  But then…”  Johnny sighed heavily.  “I don’t know…”  He wasn’t ready to admit he’d chickened out, afraid that he would have to face the fact that it was time to retire from the department.  He couldn’t have that conversation with Hannah right now.  Not with the baby on the way.  It made him nauseous just thinking about it.  “Look, Cam…just please…don’t say anything.  Just…I just need to get through the next couple of weeks.  Just until the baby comes.”

“What are you saying, exactly?”  Camarin wondered.  “You’re taking drugs you’re not supposed to have, but you want me to keep it a secret?  John, are you driving while you’re taking these?  Are you fighting fires?  Climbing down cliffs?”

“Cam…”

“Is that safe?”  Camarin was beginning to feel sick about this.

“It’ll be okay, Cam.”  Johnny insisted.  “I promise.  I just need them to help me get through the next few weeks.  Then, I’ll see Dr. Todd and I’ll tell him everything.”  He hoped he wasn’t lying.  After all, would telling Hannah his career was over be any easier after the baby was born?

“I don’t know…”

“Please, Cam!”  Johnny implored.  He really had every intention of facing the music eventually.

Camarin stopped pacing and sat down in the chair beside Johnny, taking a long look at him before speaking.  And true to her heritage, she decided to use a story to illustrate what she wanted to say. She took a deep breath.  “Many years ago, a young Lakota was down on his luck.  He had a young wife and a new mouth to feed.  He was let go from work and had to take any odd job he could find just to make ends meet.  And life was hard.”  She paused and took another deep breath.  “So every once in a while…this man would go over to The Arrow and have a drink.  And for a while, it would make him feel better…”

“Cam…”

“And then one drink became two…and then three.  And all the while this man would say it was only temporary.  He could stop any time he wanted.”

Johnny shook his head.  “It’s not like that…”

“And before long this man was drinking all the time…the alcohol controlled him.  He got mean.  And if he couldn’t have his whiskey, he got even meaner.  He started doing unthinkable things…”

Now Johnny was angry.  “If you’re comparing me to papa, you can just stop right now.”  He warned through gritted teeth.  “I’m nothing like him!  This is nothing like that…”

“It isn’t?”  Cam’s voice was eerily calm, yet tainted with sadness.  “It started with one drink, John.  A way to ignore the pain…”

“It’s different.”  Johnny insisted.

Camarin leaned forward and rested her hands on Johnny’s knees, wanting to draw his eyes to meet hers, but he looked away.  “I’ve seen it so many times, John.  With some, it’s alcohol.  Others use pills.  Nobody ever plans for it to happen.”

“I am not papa, Cam.  I never will be.”  Johnny’s voice was low and even.  But even he thought it sounded unconvinced.

Camarin’s thoughts drifted back to cold nights on the reservation.  Nights that she’d sung Johnny to sleep after their papa’s latest drunken rage.  She closed her eyes and could still see the vivid purple bruises littering his bony face.  Then, she opened them and stared into Johnny’s eyes at last, and the resemblance she found there made her shiver.

Johnny took Camarin’s hands in his own when he felt her tremble, and it was as if the connection caused the thoughts flooding through her mind to seep uninvited into his own.  Suddenly his brain was assaulted with images of his mother’s battered face, her futile pleading, her lifeless stare.  And even though he had managed to find some peace with his father, he couldn’t ignore all of the awful things he had done.  And what had led him to do them.  ‘Don’t ever cry…just remember.  Remember this day…and know that it could happen to you…’  Johnny’s breath caught in his throat as he recalled Red Elk’s ethereal advice.  And suddenly he was consumed with shame and self loathing.  He looked away, so Camarin would not have to see his tears.

“I…I’m sorry, misu…”

“For what?”  Johnny asked, pulling his hands away.  “For telling me what I needed to hear?  That I’ve been kidding myself?”

“I…I don’t…”  Now that Camarin saw how affected Johnny was by what she’d shared with him, she wasn’t sure she had done the right thing.  What if she was wrong?  What if Johnny really did have things under control?

Johnny sighed and stood up stiffly, having made a decision.  “You were right, Cam.”  He walked over to the sink and emptied the pills into the drain, washing them down with a generous amount of water, and making sure Camarin saw him doing it.  “That’s the last of them, I promise.”

“What will you do now?”

“What I should have done a long time ago.  I’m going to call Dr. Todd and make an appointment.  And I’m going to be completely honest with him, and ask him to be honest with me. And then, well…I guess whatever happens…happens.”  He walked to the phone, pulled a card out of his wallet, and dialed the number to Todd Andrews’ office.  Once the appointment was made, for the following morning, he walked behind the chair where Camarin was sitting and placed his hands gently onto her shoulders, brushing the long braid out of the way.  “Thanks.”  He smiled.

Camarin looked up and over her shoulder.  “You’ll let me know what he says?”

“You’ll be the first.”  Johnny promised as a shudder ran up and down his spine.  His life would be changing dramatically within the next few weeks, once his child came into the world.  But, now, Johnny faced the very real possibility that change might be coming in more ways than one.

***

Todd Andrews snatched the chart out of the plastic holder by the door and frowned in confusion.  He hadn’t been expecting an appointment with John Gage for at least another week.  Without even bothering to scan over the nurse’s preliminary notes, he rapped lightly on the door to announce his arrival and entered the small exam room.  “Good morning, John.”  He extended his hand for a shake.  “This is a surprise.”

“Yeah…I guess so.”  Johnny accepted the sturdy handshake nervously.

“So, what brings you in?  That shoulder bothering you?”  The tall orthopod pulled out a small stool and sat facing his patient.

“No, Doc.  It’s fine.”  Johnny hesitated for a moment, unsure of how to start.  “It’s uh…it’s my hip that’s bothering me.”

“Still?”  Todd’s features creased into a frustrated frown.  He was genuinely sorry to hear that Johnny was continuing to have trouble.

“Yeah.”  Johnny paused again, staring down at his lap.  Then, he looked up into the concerned face of his doctor and now, friend.  “Doc, anything we talk about…well, it stays here, right?”

“Well, that depends, John…what’s on your mind?”

Johnny took a long look at the doctor, as if sizing him up somehow.  Then he took a deep breath and blew it out.  “I think it’s time to quit the fire department.”

Todd wasn’t sure exactly what he had been expecting his patient to say, but that surely wasn’t it.  “Whoa-whoa-whoa…now, wait a minute.  What made you jump to that conclusion?”

“My hip hurts, Doc.  All the time!  And…and well, I’ve been taking Demerol…”

Todd sighed, clearly surprised and a bit disappointed.  “I thought you had agreed to get rid of that.”

“I know!  I promised I would, but…well, after I took that time off…when I hurt my shoulder…I was feeling pretty good.  But as soon as I started doing things again…it started really hurting.  And not just a little bit.”

“I guess not, if you’re taking Demerol.”  Todd knew Johnny normally hated having to take pain medications unless he really needed them.  He hoped his previous concern, that the young paramedic might be developing a dependency or addiction, would not pan out.  But, the truth was, the orthopod had seen it happen to too many people to ignore the possibility.  Still, the fact that Johnny was here talking to him about it proved that he recognized the potential as well, and that was an important step.

“Well, I’m not taking it anymore…”  Johnny admitted.  “I got rid of all of it.”

Todd was glad to hear this, and decided not to say anything more about it for now.  “When does your hip bother you most, John?  When you’re at work?”

“Yeah, mostly.”  Johnny sighed.  “It bothers me when I’m doing physical stuff around the house too.  But at least there I can take a break if I have to.  Kinda hard to take a break in the middle of a rescue.  Know what I mean?”

Todd smiled.  “Yeah, I think I know what you mean.”  He was reminded of his mentor, Dr.Christian Caldwell, a brilliant orthopedic surgeon who had taught him the tricks of the trade.  When Caldwell was fifty six years old, with many good years of surgery in his future, he had developed severe arthritis in his back, making it impossible for him to stand for long periods of time.  Todd remembered the conversation they’d had in which Caldwell had told him he would be retiring because ‘a surgeon can’t just take a break in the middle of a procedure.’  It had seemed like such a waste.  “So, you’ve been taking the Demerol to get through your shifts at work?”

“Yeah mostly.”

“Mostly?”

“Sometimes at home too.  I haven’t wanted to worry Hannah about it.  You know, with the baby coming and all.”

Todd stretched his legs out in front of him and laced his hands behind his head.  He was saddened to hear Johnny didn’t feel like he could talk to his wife about his problems, but he supposed he understood, under the circumstances.  “So, you’re thinking about retiring from the department?”

“Well, what else can I do, Doc?  I’m not supposed to be taking narcotics while I’m working.  And I can’t work without them, so…”

Todd sighed.  He remembered back to when he had first met Johnny after his hit and run accident, how concerned he had been about keeping his job as a firefighter/paramedic.  Todd had been so impressed with the young man’s determination that he had assigned him Justin, because Justin was the best therapist he had.  He had no idea at the time what would blossom from that chance relationship.  Todd remembered how wrapped up in Johnny’s case Justin had become, the frustrated chats they’d had late at night in Todd’s office and at the gym, the sometimes heated discussions over whether or not they would be able to pull off the “impossible.”  Both therapist and surgeon knew the chances of John Gage ever returning to his job were practically unachievable.  But, through it all, they were determined not to let their patient know that.  And after months and months of arduous therapy and hard work…and yes, maybe just a sprinkling of good luck…Johnny had been able to go back to the job he loved.

Then, there had been the brutal assault and the car accident, both of which had resulted in trauma to the very same leg.  There was no doubt it was nothing short of a miracle that Johnny was still working now.  Todd had been sure to make him aware that he would likely end up with an early onset of osteoarthritis, and they both knew that when that day came, retirement would be necessary.  Degenerative joint disease was an automatic disqualifier from the fire department.  But, it seemed a shame to be having this discussion so soon, after everything they had been through in the past few years.  “So, the half shifts haven’t been making much difference, huh?”

“Not really.”  Johnny admitted, again staring down at his lap.  “I mean, there are days when I don’t have any trouble at all.  When we do mostly routine stuff, lots of medical calls.  But all it takes is one really strenuous rescue…or one good fire…”

Todd thought about what a shame it was that paramedics needed to be firefighters too.  It seemed like there should be some way to separate the two, let the medics treat injuries and illness, and let specially trained firefighters fight the fires and crawl under buildings and rappel down ravines.  But, even if that were a possibility, he wondered what part of his job Johnny loved most, and even if the responsibilities could be separated, would he want to separate them?  “Yeah…and it’s not really safe for you to be having that much pain while you’re 200 feet up in the air or carrying someone out of a building, I suppose.”

“Right.”

“Well, John…”  Todd tossed the unopened chart up on the small ledge beside him.  “I wish there was some…suggestion I could give you.  Something new we could try.  But, I have to be honest.  I’m at a loss.”

“That’s what I was afraid you were gonna say.”  Johnny said dejectedly.  The reality of what was taking place was really beginning to sink in now, and it felt as though a ton of bricks had just been deposited on his shoulders.  Up until now he had been able to hold onto one final shred of hope…the tiniest possibility that Todd would come up with a solution, something they had missed before.  But, hearing this surgeon who he had put his faith in for so long, who had put him back together on more than one occasion, and who through it all had become a trusted friend, admit he had no more ideas to offer…it threatened to crush him.  In fact, suddenly the walls felt like they were closing in.

“I suppose I could examine you one more time…take some Xrays…make sure there’s not something that we missed.”  Todd figured if he couldn’t pull off a miracle one more time, the least he could do was offer some closure, or at least some explanation that made sense as to why Johnny would need to give up his profession.  “But, sometimes, John…after an injury like yours…a person can just end up having chronic pain.  We’ve talked about this possibility before.”

“Yeah, I guess I just refused to think it could happen to me.”

“And it’s that spirit that’s kept you going for as long as you have.”  Todd placed a firm hand on his patient’s shoulder.  “But, we all knew this day would likely come sooner or later.  It’s just that we were all counting on later.”

“You got that right.”

After a period of somewhat uncomfortable silence, Todd stood.  “Tell you what.  Hop up here and we’ll take a look.  Before I can let you make a decision like this, I need to be sure I’ve done everything there is to do.”

“You’ve done more than enough already, Doc.”  Johnny stated as he also stood.

“Look, John…”  Todd struggled to keep his own emotions in check.  This was the part of his job that he hated most, having to tell someone they would never go back to a job or a sport that they loved.  And it never got any easier.  And when the patient involved was someone who spent his career saving lives…that made it seem so much more unfair.  “There must be something else you can do that would still involve helping people.  Back when you were injured, I remember Kelly Brackett talking about the possibility of teaching paramedic classes.  Maybe that would still be an option.  I could talk to him…”

“No…no thanks, Doc.”  Johnny had already gone over all the options in his mind.  Too many times.  There was teaching, a job in dispatch, a position performing fire investigations…none of it appealed to him as much as being a rescue man and paramedic.  And none of it included working alongside his partner and long time best friend, Roy Desoto.  He shook Todd’s hand.  “I appreciate all you’ve done.  Really.”

“I wish you the best of luck, John.”  Todd eyes brimmed with sincerity as he returned the handshake and held on for a moment.  “I really wish there was more I could do.”

“Thanks, Doc.”  Johnny decided to leave now, before his emotions could betray him.  He would not allow himself to cry over this, at least not in front of Todd.   Things changed.  Nothing was meant to last forever.  That’s just the way life was.  As these and other unwelcome clichés filtered through his shell shocked brain, Johnny made his way out of the building.

Alone in the exam room, Todd Andrews picked up Johnny’s chart.  He rifled through the thick pages, closed it again, and tapped the edge on the ledge a few times, thinking.  “Damn it.”  He muttered softly, then pounded his closed fist on the top of the ledge, the volume of his voice rising along with his ire.  “Damn it!”  Tucking the chart under his arm, he exited the room.  He stopped briefly at the receptionist’s desk and handed over the chart.  “Have this sent to my office.” 

Out in the parking lot, Johnny settled behind the wheel of his Rover.  This was it.  It was over.  He would need to talk to Captain Stanley, of course.  And to Dr. Brackett too, he supposed.  But first, there were some other people who needed to know.  But, suddenly his mouth felt dry and he had no idea where the words would come from.  He sat for a long time in silence, until the midday sun beating through his windshield forced him into action.  He threw the Rover into gear and started driving, but he did not go to Roy’s, where he had originally intended to go.  And, he did not go home.  Instead he found himself on a dusty, dirt road leading into the mountains.  And he had no idea where he would end up.

***

Just before dinner time, Todd was making his final rounds, intentionally saving Justin for last.  He stepped into the room and was surprised to see his patient was alone.  “Hi, Justin.  I thought Camarin would be here with you.”

“She just left.”  Justin yawned.  “Had to pick up Kaya and Rose from Johnny and Hannah’s place.”

“Ah, okay…”  Todd picked up Justin’s chart and studied it.  “Guess they’re pretty excited about tomorrow.”

“Not half as excited as I am.  No offense, Todd, but I don’t ever want to set foot in here again unless I’m working.”

“Can’t say I blame you.”  Todd smiled, moving to the side of the bed.  “How are you feeling?  Karen said your session went well today.”

“Yeah!  Walked all the way across the room with the walker.”  Justin frowned.  “Couldn’t quite make it back, though.”

“Not a bad thing, Justin.  You know that.”  Todd rolled the covers aside.  “Two days ago you could barely take one step.”

“I know.”

“Let’s see that incision.”  Todd pointed toward the waistband of Justin’s sweatpants, and waited while his patient painstakingly pulled them down enough for him to examine the lengthy incision that ran down the outside of his thigh.  “That’s healing well.  How’s your pain been?”

“Not too bad.”  The truth was, Justin’s pain alternated between a dull ache in his leg to sharp spasms in his still healing side.  But so far it had been manageable.  He was determined to try some alternative pain techniques as soon as he was on his own turf.  He would need to call Mr. Yun anyway, to see what he could do to get caught up on his classes.

“I’m going to write you a prescription for some Demerol tablets, just in case.”  Todd promised.  “I’ll put it with all of your discharge papers tomorrow.  How are you going to get home?”

“Tag and Cam are going to come get me.  John offered to help, but I didn’t want him to have to take off work.”  Justin adjusted his sweats with a wince.  “By the way, how did his appointment go this morning?”

“He told you he had an appointment?”  Todd was surprised to hear this.

“Yeah.  He stopped in to visit and said he was on his way to see you.”  Justin yawned again.  “What was it, a follow up for his shoulder?”

Okay.  So Johnny had told him about the appointment, but not what it was for.  “I’ll let John fill you in.”

“You know, I was kind of surprised he didn’t come back up and tell me about it afterwards.  Made me think maybe he got some bad news.”  Justin was fishing for information, and he knew Todd knew it.

“Justin, I know you’re concerned, but it’s John’s news to tell.”  Todd wanted to tell Justin everything.  He wanted to shout at the top of his lungs how frustrated and angry he was, and the only thing stopping him was the knowledge of how devastated Justin would be when he heard.  But, Johnny would need to be the one to decide when he was ready for his brother-in-law to know.

“If it was good news, you’d tell me.”  Justin eyed his boss suspiciously.  “Todd…”

“Justin…”  Todd began, and then stopped.  He wasn’t going to go into a speech about doctor/patient confidentiality or professional ethics, because he knew Justin knew all about that.  He also knew that sometimes, where friends or family were involved, the rules needed to be bent once in a while.  “Look, I shouldn’t be telling you this…But, maybe you should talk to him.  He uh…he decided to retire from the fire department.”

“He what?”  Justin couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

“You heard me.”  Todd reiterated.  “But, look…I don’t know who he’s talked to about this.  As of this morning, he hadn’t even said anything to Hannah.”

“I can’t believe…”  Justin ran a hand backwards through his hair.  “What the…why…what made him decide to…”

“He’s having chronic pain in his hip.  I haven’t found any evidence of arthritis or any other degenerative disorder, but the severity of the pain alone is enough to make doing what he does difficult and unsafe.”

“And he can’t take narcotics at work…”

Todd decided not to mention anything about that part of the conversation.  “Nope.”

“Well, he can’t just quit!”  Justin asserted.  “Not until he tries everything.  I’m going to talk to Mr. Yun.  There are alternative things we can try, Todd.  He can’t give up so easily…”

Todd was grinning from ear to ear.  “That’s exactly what I hoped you would say.”

Todd’s admission stopped Justin cold.  “Really?”

“Yes, really.”  Todd sighed.  “Look, I know I’ve been known to give you a hard time about…”

“A hard time?”  Justin’s eyebrows lofted incredulously.  “Is that what you call...oh, I don’t know…calling the Chinese healing arts a bunch of…let’s see how did you put that…witch doctor hoo-hah?”

“Justin, don’t get all worked up.”  Todd did his best to keep calm.  “I admit maybe I haven’t been the most accepting…”

“That’s for damn sure.”

Todd sighed.  “Just talk to him, Justin.  If nothing else, he’s going to need the support of his friends.”

“Right.  I will.”

“And I probably shouldn’t even have said anything to you about this, because now you’ll probably end up doing too much…”

“I’ll be fine.”

“Uh huh.  Well, just remember what you said about not wanting to set foot in here again…”

“Don’t worry.”  Justin said definitively.  Then, after a pause, he couldn’t help but smile in relieved wonder.  “I’m really going home tomorrow?  I’m not dreaming?”

“You’re not dreaming.”  Todd smiled in equal relief.  This had been an experience he had no desire to go through again either.  He patted Justin’s leg.  “Get some rest.  Big day tomorrow.”

“Right.”  Justin relaxed against his pillows.  This would be the last night in this bed.  Tomorrow night, he would be sleeping next to Camarin again.  It was a great feeling.

***

It was just after 9:00 p.m. when the phone rang at the Desoto residence.  Roy got up wearily from his chair in order to answer it.

“Tell me what happens.”  He indicated the program he and Joanne were watching on TV before moving to the closest extension, which was in the kitchen.  “Desotos’ residence.”

“Roy?  Is John there?”  Spoke a worried-sounding Hannah on the other end of the line.

“No…”  Roy began, slightly confused, wondering if he had missed something.  He didn’t remember having any plans with Johnny tonight.  “Did he say he was coming over?”

“That’s just it.”  Hannah explained.  “I haven’t heard from him since this morning.  He left to run some errands, told me he wasn’t sure when he’d be back, so not to expect him.  But, it’s getting kind of late now, and…”

The phone conversation was interrupted by the ringing of the doorbell.  Roy continued to talk to Hannah while Joanne went to see who was at the front door.  A few seconds later, he had relieving news to deliver.

“He’s here now, Hannah.”  Roy strained to hear the conversation in the living room.  Johnny sounded okay from here.  “Give me a minute, and I’ll put him on the phone.”

“No…no, that’s okay.  Just as long as he’s okay.”  Hannah breathed a huge sigh of relief.  Still, it wasn’t like Johnny to disappear for almost an entire day and not tell her where he was going, or when he would return, especially now.  She could only hope he wasn’t getting cold feet about fatherhood, although she was almost certain that was it.  At any rate, she was determined to give him his space, and she figured if anyone could set him straight and give him the reassurances he needed, it was Roy.

“Okay, if you’re sure…”

“I’m sure.”

“Okay.  I’ll send him on his way before too long.”  Roy promised.

“Thanks, Roy.”

After the connection had been severed, Roy returned to the living room to find that the television was turned off.  Joanne approached him with a knowing look on her face.  “Johnny wants to talk to you about something, so I’m going upstairs.”  She gave Roy a quick kiss. 

“Oh, okay…good night.”

“I’m not going to bed yet.”  Joanne corrected.  “I’ll see you when you come up.”  It was her way of letting Roy know she expected a full report later.

With Joanne out of earshot, Roy did his best to size up the situation.  What reason could Johnny have for disappearing all day and showing up on his doorstep wanting to talk?  “Do you uh…want something to drink?  Have you eaten?”

“I’m good.”  Johnny insisted from his position in one of the living room chairs.

“You know, that was Hannah on the phone.”  Roy pointed toward the kitchen.  “She’s worried about you.”

“Aw, man…”  Johnny ran his hand through his already disheveled hair.  “I should call her…”  He started to get up, but was stopped by Roy.

“No…she said not to.  She just wanted to know you were okay.  And, I promised I wouldn’t keep you too late.”  Roy walked around to the chair that faced Johnny’s and sat down.

Several moments of silence passed before Roy spoke again.  “So are you gonna tell me why you’re here?  Or did you come to keep my chair company?”

“No…no, I…”  Johnny let out a prolonged sigh.  “Man, Roy.  I knew this would be hard, but…”

Roy could feel his insides tighten.  Whatever Johnny wanted to talk about was obviously causing him a great deal of distress.  His mind scrambled for possible topics.  Did something happen to Justin?  Was Johnny having second thoughts about marriage and fatherhood?  “Well, you know, I always tell my kids when something is hard to talk about, the best thing to do is just come out with it.”

“Yeah…”  Johnny sighed again.  “Yeah…you’re right.”

Another few moments of silence ensued, and then Johnny began to tell Roy what was on his mind.

“I had an appointment with Doc Andrews this morning.”

“Oh, yeah?”  This was news to Roy.  Johnny hadn’t mentioned having an appointment.

“Yeah…we had a serious talk about…about the problems I’ve been having with my hip.”

“You’re still having problems?”  Roy wondered.  “I thought you were doing better.”

“I was…until I went back to work.”  Johnny admitted, hoping Roy was beginning to put the pieces together.  He dreaded this conversation, but Roy had to know.  And then…how on earth would he tell Hannah?

Roy swallowed down the inexplicable feeling of dread that had just skittered down his spine.  “So, uh…what did Andrews have to say?”

“He didn’t say much of anything, really.  In fact, I sorta did most of the talking.”

“You did.”  It was more of a statement than a question.

“Yeah.  I uh…I told him I’ve been thinking that uh…that maybe it’s uh…”  Johnny took a deep breath and continued.  “That maybe it’s time for me to think about retiring from the department.”

Roy was silent as he processed what Johnny had just told him.  Part of him had wanted to shout out ‘you what?’ while another part of him had on some level known this day was coming.  In fact, Roy had already begun preparing himself for the day he and Johnny would have this very conversation.  It’s just that he had been fervently hoping that his partner’s stubbornness and innate good fortune would somehow turn the fates in his favor, preventing it.  At the very least, he hadn’t been expecting this day to be upon them quite so soon.  “And what did Andrews say?  Did he agree with you?”

“Yeah, I guess so.”  Johnny stared at his lap.  “He said that after injuries like mine, it’s possible to have chronic pain, that there really isn’t anything he can do about that.  And we both agreed that it’s not safe for me to be working under those conditions.”

“No…you’re probably right.”  Roy was fighting a difficult internal struggle.  His own emotions were on the verge of making themselves known, but he did his best to suppress them, knowing that what Johnny needed right now was for him to be the strong shoulder to lean on.  To offer support.  To let him know he made the right decision, as hard and as sickening as it may be.

“I started taking Demerol again.”  Johnny admitted without looking up from his lap.  “I’ve been taking it at work.”

“Johnny…”  Roy wasn’t sure he wanted to hear anymore.

“But, I’m done with that now.  Threw it all out.  I know I said that before, but I really did this time.”  Johnny finally looked up into the unreadable eyes of his long time partner and friend.  “I promise.”

“I believe you.”  Roy said, and he did.  After another few moments of silence, he asked the question he had wanted to avoid.  “So, that’s it then?  You’re definitely going to retire from the department?  I mean, there are other things you could do…”

“I’ve been thinking about it a lot today, Roy.  I drove out to Overlook Point…spent the day there.  Just…thinking.  I need to be able to do something where I can still help people.  And where I can still support the paramedic program.  Because, when it comes down to it, Roy…I just…I just believe in it so much.  It’s become such a part of who I am…”

“I know what you mean.”  Roy was unable to keep his voice from cracking, and he cleared his throat.

“I’ve been thinking…maybe someday paramedics will be able to operate independently from the fire department.  If I didn’t have to fight fires, and rappel down mountains, and all that physical stuff…if there were rescue men to do that…like there used to be…and a paramedic was a separate responder…”  Johnny sighed again.  “I’m just dreaming, I guess.”

“No…”  Roy mused.  “I think you may be onto something here, Johnny.  We already have private ambulance companies.  What if paramedics became part of that system?  It could work…”

“Yeah, but God knows how many years down the road that would be.  If it even happens at all.”  Johnny frowned.  “But right now…I was thinking maybe I could talk to Brackett about teaching paramedic classes.  And while I’m doing that, maybe I could go back to school…study for something else.”

“Like what?”

“Like…nursing, maybe.  There are getting to be more and more male nurses out there, you know.  And I figure I already know how to do a lot of what a nurse does…starting IV’s…taking vitals…”

“That’s true…”

“Or maybe physical therapy.  I could talk to Justin…or radiology…or…there’s a lot of things.”  Johnny took a deep breath.  “But giving up firefighting forever…I love being a rescue man, Roy.  I always have.  It’s gonna be…I just…”  Johnny stopped talking as his emotions won out.  He had managed to make it all day without crying, but now, alone with his trusted partner and best friend, reality was hitting him in the gut with all the sensitivity of a class five hurricane.

“I know…”  And the fact was, Roy knew all too well what was going through Johnny’s head right now.  He had felt something similar when he had considered taking a promotion to engineer which would have meant more money for his family, but the inability to continue working as a paramedic.  At the time, it hadn’t felt any fairer than the decision Johnny had to face right now.  But, still, ultimately it had been Roy’s decision.  What was happening to his friend was largely out of his control.  Because of the actions of a drunk driver…and a disturbed assailant…and a hard-luck teenager bent on petty revenge…Johnny’s decision had been cruelly made for him.  It just wasn’t fair.  But then, Roy and Johnny knew better than most, just how unfair life could be. 

Roy stood and placed a hand on Johnny’s shoulder, the simple gesture meaning more than any words could have at the moment.

“How…”  Johnny took a shuddering breath.  “How am I gonna tell Hannah, Roy?”

Roy took a deep breath and without removing his hand from Johnny’s shoulder, explained, “You’re going to tell her the truth, Johnny.  She’ll understand.”

“I just…I just can’t believe it’s…it’s over.”

Roy gave Johnny’s shoulder a final, reassuring squeeze, then sighed and took his seat again.  “It’ll be different, that’s for sure.”

“We’ve worked together a long time…”  For a moment Johnny tried to figure out who had the worse end of the deal, he or Roy.  On the one hand, he supposed it would be harder on him, since he was the one having to give up the job he loved.  But, on the other hand, he considered what it would be like to have to be the one to continue working, without Roy at his side.  Finally, he decided it would be a major adjustment for both of them.

“Yes, we have…and it won’t be the same.”  Roy reiterated.  “But, one thing that won’t change…we’ll always be friends.  We don’t have to work together every day for that.”  Roy did his best to offer an encouraging smile, not really feeling it, but knowing Johnny needed it, and that he needed to try to focus on the light at the end of the tunnel as well.

“Right.”  Johnny asserted.  “I mean, look at me and Justin.  We don’t work together, and we’re friends.”

The room was silent again as both men thought about how completely their lives were about to change.

After another prolonged sigh, Roy leaned back in his chair.  “Well…maybe it was meant to be.  New baby…new job.  We’ve talked before about what it means to work such a dangerous job when there’s a family in the picture…”

“Yeah…that’s right, we have…”  Johnny remembered the conversation Roy was talking about vividly.  He had been struggling with the dangers of rescue firefighting now that he had someone to come home to every night…someone to worry about him.  And now with a baby in his future…he thought about his friend, Drew.  About Tim Duntley, and Dirk.  All of them killed in the line of duty…doing what they loved.  He thought about Pam and Maddie and Molly, the wives who were left with no husbands and the children that were left with no Daddy.  Maybe this really was for the best.

“Have you talked to Cap?”  Now that the hard-hitting news had time to settle into a loose acceptance, Roy figured there was really nothing more to be said.

“Not yet.  I want to talk to Hannah first.  And Cam.  I’ll talk to Cap in the morning.”  Johnny pondered that for a while, then looked at his watch.  “I better go.”  He stood up, somewhat stiffly, accepting a little assistance from Roy.  After all, there was no use in hiding his discomfort now.  “I’ll uh…see you around I guess.”

“Sure you will.”  Roy walked with Johnny to the door.

“Thanks, Roy.”  Johnny extended his hand.

Roy returned the handshake, but then pulled Johnny in for a friendly hug.  “You’re welcome.”  He knew tears were making their presence known again, because they were welling up in his own eyes.  So, he continued to hold on for a while longer.  “Everything will work out.  I know it will.”

Johnny nodded and then left without saying another word, leaving Roy standing with his back against the door feeling as if he’d just been hit in the chest.  After taking just a few more moments to process what had just happened, he made his way upstairs into the comforting arms of Joanne.

***

Hannah lay awake listening to the soft breathing coming from Johnny, who was lying next to her.  It had taken him a long time to fall asleep tonight, and she was thankful he was finally getting some rest.  She thought back on the conversation they had just had in which Johnny had announced his decision to retire from the fire department.  While her heart ached for him, knowing how difficult this transition would be, there was a part of her that felt guiltily relieved.

For the past several weeks, she had noticed he had been acting strangely.  And any attempts to investigate yielded no information.  She had tried to convince herself it had been because he had a lot on his plate, that he was worried about Justin.  But, doubt kept niggling at her heart.  She became worried that perhaps marriage was proving too confining for the long time free spirited bachelor.  And now that her due date was fast approaching, she thought maybe he was getting cold feet…unsure about fatherhood, and all the responsibilities that entailed. 

And then today, when he had taken off and didn’t tell her where he was going…

There had been several times since they had been married that Johnny had gone off alone, whenever he needed time to think or unwind.  Going to the mountains was something that helped him deal with stress, and Hannah had no problem with that.  But, all those times, Johnny had told her where he was going, and when to expect him back.  This time had been different, and Hannah had spent most of the day obsessing over why, and what he would have to tell her upon his return.

She thought back to how her entire body seemed to tighten into a ball when Johnny came home and said he had something important he needed to talk to her about.  And how relieved she had been to find out he hadn’t been having second thoughts about marriage or fatherhood at all.

Hannah took a deep breath and studied the pattern of light from the shaded window that fell across the bed.  There was a full moon tonight, and the weather was unusually warm for November.  Thanksgiving was in three days, and no one had even considered yet how to celebrate this year.  With Justin in the hospital, it hadn’t been a priority in anyone’s mind.  But, now that he was coming home tomorrow…Hannah made a mental note to call Camarin and Joanne in the morning.

A smile crossed her tired features as the baby suddenly became active, rolling and kicking, until it seemed to find a comfortable spot to sleep.  Her hand moved over her swollen tummy, lovingly savoring the gift inside.  She looked back over at Johnny and sighed as a strange feeling of guilt and relief washed over her.  She thought back to all the nights she had lain in bed praying that he would come home to her at the end of his shift…how she would lay awake for hours thinking about what she would do if something were to happen to him.  How would she go on?  And then when she became pregnant, how the fears had magnified.  How would she raise their child without him?  Even though Hannah reminded herself there were no absolutes in life, she couldn’t help but feel a certain sense of relief that Johnny would no longer be working in such a dangerous profession.  And that caused guilt to nag away at her soul.

She rolled over onto her side so that she and Johnny were face to face.  As he slept on, Hannah brushed the hair away from his face.  “It’s all going to be okay…you’ll see.  Who knows what the future holds, but as long as we’re all together…we can deal with anything else that comes down the road.”

Johnny shifted and moaned softly.  “Uhn…”  He cracked open one eye.  “Huh?”

“Nothing, honey…”  Hannah soothed as she continued to caress his cheek.  “Go back to sleep.  Everything is fine…”  She was relieved to see Johnny quickly settle back into slumber.  Then, she got up and waddled down the hall to the kitchen, where she pulled a pad of paper and a pen out of the drawer and sat down at the table.  She decided to start planning a Thanksgiving Day menu, thinking maybe Johnny would enjoy hosting the meal at the ranch this year.  Justin was coming home from the hospital tomorrow…he and Camarin were getting married after Christmas…the baby would be here in just a few short weeks.  They had much to be thankful for.

***

“Okay, you can open your eyes now.” 

At Camarin’s command, Justin opened his eyes and got his first look at the outside of the new business.  Flower boxes full of fresh, flowering herbs hung from newly painted shuttered windows and a large, wooden sign read ‘New Horizons Health Alternatives.’  The therapist grinned from ear to ear at the sight.  “That looks incredible!”

“Is it the way you pictured it?”  Camarin asked eagerly, pleased that Justin was pleased.

“It’s that and more.”  He pointed toward the windows.  “The herbs are a nice touch.”

“There’s a garden full out back too.”  Camarin informed.  “But, wait’ll you see the inside.”

Camarin held the front door open while Tag eased Justin’s wheelchair over the threshold.  Once the threesome was inside the building, she closed the door and turned on the lights in the reception area.

“Those muted lights you picked out work really well.  It doesn’t feel like a waiting room in here.”  Camarin explained.  “And John and Roy did a great job on the shelves…”  She pointed at the built in wooden shelves that lined one wall of the room.  “Not much to put on them yet…”

“No, but I can picture them full of vitamins and herbal supplements, and jars of your teas…”  Justin imagined.

“And I found a whole line of natural products we could sell.”  Camarin added excitedly.  “Shampoos and soaps…toothpaste…”

“Really?”  Justin was intrigued.  “You’ll have to show me.”

“I will later, but right now…”  She indicated that Tag should follow her with the wheelchair.  “You need to see the rest.”  She led the trio down a narrow hallway and showed Justin two rooms.  The first housed a massage table and was sparsely, yet beautifully decorated in a tropical theme.  Several bottles of scented oil were already situated on the shelves on the wall.  The second room was set up as more of a ‘consult’ room where clients could be counseled on nutrition or the like.  “Once you get your certifications from Mr. Yun, we can add to this, but we figured this was a good start…”

“It’s perfect.”  Justin was amazed.  Part of him felt sorry that he hadn’t been present to see this all come together, and that he hadn’t done much to help.  But his heart swelled with gratitude for the friends and family who made it happen.  “What about the therapy room?”

“Ah, yes…Mr. Quinn…”  Camarin teased.  “Your pride and joy.”  She led the way to a large room in the back of the building, where the hallway seemed to open up into wide open space. 

Justin’s eyes widened in awe.  The hardwood floors had been sanded and polished to a shiny gloss, and the walls were painted a peaceful shade of sage.  The large room was bathed in natural light.  In the center was a treadmill and two weight machines, one for upper body conditioning and one for lower.  Shelves on the right wall contained hand weights and resistance bands.  And there was a padded therapy table to the left.  But the most eye catching part of all was the rear wall of windows that offered a spectacular ocean view.  “God…I think I’m dreaming…”

“You’re not dreaming.”  Camarin said softly as she leaned in and planted a kiss on Justin’s lips.  Then she knelt in front of the chair, resting her hands on top of his knees.  “The insurance settlement paid for a lot of it.  The business loan took care of the rest.  Once you’re back on your feet, we can look for a place nearby and rent out the apartment upstairs.  It’s furnished, so the rent will more than take care of the mortgage.”

“It seems too good to be true…”

“Well, you better get used to it, because it’s ours.”  Camarin smiled.  She, too, had been having a hard time believing she could own part of something like this.  But she knew better than to look a gift horse in the mouth.  She had come a long way from the reservation, and she planned to savor every second of her new life with Justin.

“It’s really great, Cam.”  Tag finally chimed in.  “I’m happy for you both.”

“Thanks, Tag.”  Justin offered.  “By the way, how are the paramedic classes going?”

“They’re going well.”  Tag smiled as he pushed the wheelchair over to the large windows so Justin could get a better look at the view.  “In a few months, I should be certified.  Then, I’ll do my field training with John and Roy.”

Justin frowned and made eye contact with Camarin as Tag’s comment reminded him about Johnny’s decision to retire from the department.  Apparently Tag didn’t know yet.  “Sounds good…”  He looked out the window and noticed the wide patio.  “We could put some chairs out there eventually.  Maybe even another massage table.”

“Sure we could!”  Camarin agreed excitedly.  “And Hank and Mike put the water hookups you talked about in that wall over there.”  She pointed to the therapy room wall that was common to the bathroom.  “So, eventually that’s where the whirlpool tub will go.  But right now we have one more stop on our official tour.”  She could see by Justin’s posture that he was tiring and growing stiff from sitting in the chair.  She led the way to a room off the large one they just occupied.  “This will eventually be your office.  We painted it, but figured we would leave the rest for you to finish.”

“Thanks, Cam.”  Justin reached up and grabbed hold of his fiancee’s hand.  He was both touched and grateful that she realized how important it would be to him to be able to complete some part of this on his own.

“Of course right now, it’s sort of acting as our bedroom…”  She pointed to the queen-sized bed in the center of the room.

“I can see that.”  Justin smiled.

“And this would be where you get off.”  She said as she walked over beside the bed and retrieved the walker that had been sitting there.  “Come on, I’ll help you into bed.”

As much as Justin wanted to spend the next couple of hours exploring this new space, he knew Camarin was right.  He was exhausted and sore and ready to lie down.  “Okay.”

“Do you want to try walking from there, or are you too tired?”  Camarin asked.

“I can make it from here.”  Justin insisted as he motioned for the walker to be set down in front of him.  “Got the wheels locked, Tag?”

“Yep.”

Justin reached out and grabbed the handles of the walker and used every ounce of strength he possessed to push himself up onto his feet, unable to help the throaty groan that escaped as he stood.

“You okay?”  Camarin asked, as she steadied her fiancé with her hands on his shoulders.

“Yeah…I’m okay.”  Justin breathed out as he willed his muscles to stop shaking.  Finally, he gained his bearings and took the first tentative step toward the bed.  One step became two, and then the therapist seemed to get a second wind.  He changed course and started heading in a different direction.

“Hey, Justin.  The bed is that way.”  Tag pointed.

“I know.”  Justin said while continuing on.  He knew that if he stopped walking, it would be hard to get going again.  “I thought maybe I’d sit outside for a bit.  That is, if you can find me a chair.”

“Honey, we don’t have any chairs to take out there that would be very comfortable for you to sit on.”  Camarin positioned herself in Justin’s path in an effort to head him off.  “Besides, your doctors said…”

“I know what my doctors said, but I’m home now, and…”

“Hey, what’s a guy gotta do to get seen in this clinic?”  A voice rang out from the reception area.  “I hear you can get a hell of a massage…”  The voice got closer until Todd Andrews appeared in the therapy room.

“Do you have an appointment?”  Justin asked chidingly.

Todd approached Justin and returned the barb.  “Did you have an appointment when you broke your femur?  And if I remember right…I was off the clock when you came in…”

“Oh, good!”  Justin continued the banter.  “Then I shouldn’t have to pay you.”

Laughter ensued and Todd exchanged hellos with everyone.  Then, he turned his attention to his patient and friend.  “So, where are you going?”

Before Justin could answer, Camarin chimed in.  “He was going to bed.  But, then he decided he wanted to sit outside for a while.  I told him we don’t really have any comfortable chairs…”

“Uh-huh.  Justin, we talked about this.  Too much exertion right now…”

“I know what we talked about, Todd.”  Justin defended.  The truth was he felt like crap and wanted nothing more than to lie down.  But, he hadn’t been outside in so long, and it was a beautiful day.

As if reading her fiancé’s mind, Camarin moved closer and wrapped a hand gently around his upper arm.  “I know you miss being outside.  I’ll ask John to bring over one of those lounge chairs he and Hannah bought for their deck.  I’m sure they wouldn’t mind if we borrowed one for a while.  But, in the meantime…”

“You know, I uh…”  Justin suddenly wasn’t feeling so well.  “Maybe bed isn’t such a bad idea.”

Todd could tell by Justin’s body language that he was exhausted and in considerable pain.  “Bring that chair over here, Tag.”

“Todd, I can…”

Todd cut Justin off with a look and again motioned for the wheelchair.  Once Tag had it positioned behind Justin, the orthopod continued directing with a single word.  “Sit.”

Justin had a few choice words he wanted to aim at his boss and friend.  For one thing, continuing to walk would almost be easier than trying to sit.  And Todd knew it.  But, one look at Todd, Camarin, and even Tag, told him he would lose any argument he tried to start.  Sighing, he positioned himself and admitted defeat.  “I need some help.”

“Okay, buddy…”  Todd immediately grabbed Justin’s arms and helped him lower himself into the waiting chair.

Despite efforts to the contrary, Justin let out a prolonged groan as his muscles protested the change in position.  Once he was again seated in the chair, he could not believe how utterly wiped out he was.  He suddenly felt too warm and realized this small amount of exertion had caused him to break out into a sweat.  And, he was beginning to feel short of breath.

Todd halted Tag’s effort to start pushing the chair toward the bedroom.  “Let’s give it a minute.”  He knelt down so he could see eye to eye with his friend.  “You okay?”

“His inhaler’s by the bed…”  Camarin went to retrieve it.

“I’m…I’m okay.”  Justin insisted.  “Let’s just go.”

At Todd’s nod, Tag began pushing the chair again, and didn’t stop until they were next to the bed.

Todd waited until Camarin pulled down the covers and arranged the pillows.  “Okay, pal.  One more stand and pivot and we’re there.  Let us know when you’re ready.”

“I’m ready.”  Justin said softly.

Todd moved aside and made room for Camarin, deciding to allow her to help Justin into bed.  He would assist if necessary, but she needed the practice.  It was a somewhat tedious process, and once Justin was positioned, he was out of breath again.

“Damn it…”  Justin panted, clutching his now very sore side.

“Do you need this?”  Camarin held the inhaler where Justin could reach it.

Justin said nothing, but continued to hold his side and breathe rapidly.

“Justin?”  Todd wasn’t overly concerned.  He didn’t hear any wheezing.  But, Justin was obviously in some pain.

“I’m…all right…”  Justin closed his eyes as his breathing seemed to even out.  He felt someone taking off his shoes and a pillow being positioned under his right leg before the covers were pulled up over him.  Only then, did he open his eyes and see the three concerned faces looking down at him.  “Do I look that bad?”

“No comment.”  Todd smiled.  Then, he looked at Camarin and Tag.  “Can I have a minute with Justin, please?”  He waited until they left the room, then sat carefully on the edge of the bed.  “Look, Justin.  I know you don’t want me here checking on you every day, and I don’t plan to.  But, if what I just saw was any indication of how compliant you’re going to be, I’m afraid you’re going to be back in the hospital before the week’s out…”

“Todd, I just wanted to sit outside.”  Justin sighed.  He was really not in the mood for a lecture.  “And I’m supposed to get up and start walking more…”

“Yes, you are.  But, you also need to recognize your limits, Justin.  You know that.  The time to try taking more steps is not when you’re exhausted to the point your muscles are twitching.”

Another sigh.  “I know…”  Justin wasn’t sure what made him angrier.  The fact that he was home but still a long way from having his life back, or the fact that Todd was right.

“And I know it’s hard to be patient….especially now that you’re home.  Remember the challenges you had with John after he went home from the hospital?”

That memory brought the hint of a smile to Justin’s face.  “Yeah…do I ever.”  Justin took a cautious breath and released it slowly, wincing at the pain it caused in his healing ribs.  “You’re right, Todd.  The truth is, I feel pretty shitty.”

Todd stood up.  “You’ll feel a lot better after you get some sleep.  Can I have Camarin bring you some Demerol?” 

“No…I can sleep without it.”  Justin yawned as if to demonstrate his point.

Todd wanted to tell Justin that it wasn’t a matter of whether he could fall asleep without the pain medication.  It was a matter of how productive his sleep would be.  Justin knew it was important to get his rest if he wanted to heal and stay on track with his rehab.  But, for some reason, Todd chose not to fight him on it right now.  “Okay.  It’s a great place you have here.”  He looked around the room.  “You and Cam are gonna do well.”

“Thanks, Todd.”

Todd gave Justin’s hand a squeeze.  “Get some rest.  You know where I am if you need anything.”

Out in the therapy room, Camarin and Tag waited.  Camarin walked over to meet Todd as he crossed the room.  “Is he okay?”

“He’s fine.  Really tired, and in considerable pain, although he doesn’t want to admit it.”  Todd paused for a moment, as if considering what he wanted to say.  “Camarin, I know you and Justin share similar views on pain management, but understand it’s really important that he not only be able to rest…but be able to rest well.  Do you know what I mean?”

“I know what you mean.”  Camarin nodded.

“If he has trouble sleeping, try to get him to take one of the Demerol tablets.”

“I will, Todd.”  Camarin couldn’t help but think of the irony here.  Just last week she had convinced Johnny to stop taking the very same drug, and now here she was agreeing to give it to Justin.

After Todd said his goodbyes, Tag grabbed his coat and started for the front door as well.  “I’ve got class tonight, so I better get going.  Do you need anything else before I go?”

“No, Tag.  We’ll be fine.”  Camarin gave the young man a hug.  “Thanks for everything.”  She stood in the reception area for a few moments savoring the fact that Justin was finally home.  And although she knew it would be quite a while before things were back to normal, she was actually looking forward to spoiling her fiancé, to being able to take care of him.  And there was also the wedding to plan…

In the bedroom, Camarin found Justin had not yet fallen asleep.  “Thought you’d be out by now.”  She gently brushed the hair away from his forehead.

“Too excited to sleep, I guess.”  Justin admitted.  “Feels good to be home.”  He smiled tiredly.

Camarin perched on the side of the bed and took Justin’s hand in her own.  “Well…almost home anyway.”  She ran her thumb lightly over his knuckles.  “I’m sorry we couldn’t salvage more of your things…”

Justin felt a twinge of sadness caused by the reminder that so much of his life had been lost forever.  But, it was quickly usurped by comfort and peace.  “Anywhere you are is home to me.  The rest is just…things.”  Then he realized something was indeed missing.  “By the way, where are the girls?”

“They’re at school.  Joanne is going to pick them up and bring them home.  They’ll be here in a few hours.”

“Oh…that’s right.”  Justin closed his eyes.  “God, I’ve lost track of what day it is…”

Camarin was pleased to see Justin edging ever closer to sleep.  “We’re having broiled salmon for dinner.  And that spinach salad you taught the girls how to make…”

“Sounds…good…”

“Oh, and John is bringing breakfast in the morning.”

“Knowing him it’ll be…a bag of donuts…”  Justin smiled sleepily at the thought.

“And it won’t kill you to eat one, either!”  Camarin kindly berated.  “You need to put some meat back on your bones.”

“Not that kinda…meat…”

“Go to sleep, Justin.”  Camarin laughed, overjoyed that not only had Justin survived his ordeal, they had the rest of their lives to be together.

***

Justin had just fallen into a light doze when he was awakened by a faint rapping sound.  As he came back to consciousness, he realized someone was knocking on his door.  “Come on in.”  He beckoned, figuring his visitor had to be one of three people, unless they had visitors he wasn’t aware of.  The door opened a crack, and a little dark head poked its way inside.  Justin smiled.  “Well, hello, Kaya.  You can come in.”

“Rose too?”  Kaya asked from the doorway.

“Sure!”  Justin tried to sit up a little straighter.  Dinner had been over for an hour, and he was feeling the effects of his first day at home.  He did his best to hide how tired and achy he felt, concerned about scaring the girls. 

“We thought maybe you might like to watch a little TV.”  Kaya explained.  “There’s a movie on tonight that looks good…”

“Really?  And what movie is that?”

“The Wizard of Oz!”  Rose, the younger sister, exclaimed excitedly.  Then she lowered her voice to a whisper, as if confiding some great secret.  “It has witches in it.”

“Hmmm…”  Justin feigned being deep in thought.  “Sounds like it might be pretty scary.”

“Well, if you think you might be scared…”  Rose moved closer to the bed, cautiously.  “We could watch it with you…”

“Uncle Johnny dropped a TV off earlier when you were sleeping.  Mama said we could put it in here, so you would have something to do.”  Kaya explained.

Justin couldn’t help but smile at the thinly veiled ploy.  “I would love to watch ‘The Wizard of OZ’…That is, if you promise to watch it with me…and protect me from the witches, and the lions, and the flying monkeys…”

“Flying monkeys?”  Rose wrinkled her nose.  “There’s no such thing!”

“No such thing as witches either!”  Kaya retorted.

“Are too!”

“Girls…I thought I told you to keep it down when you…”  Camarin appeared in the room.

“Kaya says there’s no such thing as witches!”  Rose tattled.  “And, I say they’re real!”

Camarin looked over at Justin who simply shrugged.  She started to usher the girls out of the room.  “We can have a talk about witches later.  Right now, Justin needs his rest…”

“But, he said he wants to watch the movie!”  Rose informed her mother.

Camarin raised an eyebrow.  “Oh, he did, did he?”

“Yes!”  Kaya chimed in.  “We told him about the TV Uncle Johnny brought.”

Camarin smiled and gave the girls a look that clearly meant they would be having a talk later.  Then she looked over at Justin.  “Are you sure you’re feeling up to it?”

“It’s a movie, not a marathon.”  Justin scoffed.  “Besides, I’d kind of like to see the girls’ reaction to seeing ‘The Wizard’ for the first time.”

“Well, I haven’t seen it either.”  Camarin admitted.

“You haven’t?”  Justin was incredulous.  He couldn’t imagine an adult Camarin’s age never having seen the classic movie.  It was just another reminder of how different their worlds had been up until now.

“Nope.”

“Justin says there’s flying monkeys in it!”  Rose informed happily.

“Now that I have to see!”  Camarin returned the enthusiasm, thrilled that her girls were finally able to enjoy the things children should be able to enjoy.  She looked back over at her fiancé.  “That is, if you’re sure…”

Justin rolled his eyes.  “I’m sure!  Now go get the TV before we miss the tornado!”

“Tornado?”  Camarin cocked an eyebrow.  “This sounds like a very interesting movie.”  She shook her head with a smile and left to retrieve the set.  Kaya followed close on her heels.

Alone in the room now with Justin, Rose approached the bed.  “Don’t tell my sister, but…”  She looked back toward the door to make sure she wouldn’t be overheard.  “I’m kinda scared of witches.”

“Aw, they’re nothing to be scared of…”  Justin explained, looking into Rose’s dark brown eyes.  “They’re just ugly old hags with green skin.  But let me tell you a secret…”  He patted the bed indicating Rose should climb up beside him.

Tentatively Rose crawled onto the bed, being mindful of Justin’s injuries, until she ended up curled against him, his right arm around her, her head resting on his shoulder.

Justin basked in the sensation of cuddling the small child he had grown to love.  “Ah, yeah…I missed this.”  He took a moment to savor the fruity aroma of her hair and allow her presence to cement the fact that he was truly home. 

“What’s the secret, Justin?”  Rose asked, somewhat impatiently.

“Oh, right…the secret is…not all witches are scary and bad.  Did you know that?”

“They’re not?”

“Nope.  In fact…there’s a good witch in the movie too.  Her name is Glinda.”

“Glinda?”  Rose scowled at the funny sounding name.

“Yep.”  Justin yawned.  “Glinda’s really pretty.  And she has a magic wand.”

“What does she use it for?”  Rose wondered. 

Justin had to think about that for a moment.  He remembered Glinda being around when the wicked witch died under the house…the shoes…then a thought came to mind.  “She helped Dorothy get home.”

“Who’s Dorothy?  And how did she get lost?”

Justin laughed as he realized just how much fun it was going to be watching this movie through the eyes of three people seeing it for the first time.  “It doesn’t matter right now.  What matters is…she gets to go home.”

Rose was quiet for a minute as if pondering what Justin had just told her.  “I’m glad you got to come home, Justin.”  She snuggled in tighter and closer, a contented smile on her face.

“Me too, sweetie…”  Justin brushed his fingers through Rose’s long, black hair.  “Me too.”

***

A few hours later, Camarin nudged Kaya, who was lying beside her on the bed.  She pointed toward Justin and Rose, who had apparently both fallen asleep.

“Aw, they’re gonna miss the end.”  Kaya whispered.

“That’s okay.  I’m pretty sure Justin has already seen it, and you can tell Rose what happened in the morning.  Tomorrow is a school day, you know.”

“Yes, I know.”  Kaya turned her attention back to the screen.  Dorothy was clicking the heels of her ruby slippers.  She watched the rest of the movie with Camarin, and when the closing credits began to roll, she rubbed at her eyes sleepily.  “So...it was all just a dream?”

“Well, I guess they kind of leave that for us to decide.”  Camarin explained.  “But, speaking of dreaming…”

“I know…”  Kaya said as she sat up.  “Bed.”  She slid off the bed and stood up.  “Are you going to bring Rose upstairs?”

“Yes, I’ll take care of her.  You go brush your teeth.”  Camarin got out of bed too, and moved around to Justin’s side where she carefully plucked Rose from her space beside him.  The action caused Justin to stir.

“Mmmm…wha…”  He cracked open his eyes.  “Where’ re you…going?”

“Going to tuck the girls in.  Then I’ll be back.”  Camarin promised.

His arm suddenly feeling empty, and his body suddenly feeling cold, Justin drifted back to sleep.

***

Justin was running…running frantically from something, but he wasn’t sure what.  Surreal images of great winged monkeys and a field full of golden flowers flashed through his mind like implanted memories from some quack hypnotist.

An hourglass.  Blood red sand.  He didn’t have much time.  But he had no idea what would happen when the final grain fell.  He only continued to run with more and more urgency, as if somehow whatever horrors awaited him could be avoided if only he could get there soon enough.

But where was there?

Suddenly Justin found himself on a lonely highway.  There was something familiar about it, as if he had been on this road before, and he found this oddly comforting.  But, then there it was again…the compulsion to keep running.  Faster…faster…or it would be too late.

On and on, down the road he ran until finally something ahead of him caught his eye.  A young man dressed in army fatigues stood in the center of the road…beckoning.  As Justin drew closer, he thought he recognized the man.  But, he couldn’t quite figure out from where.

“It’s too late for me.  Hurry…if you want to save her…”

No sooner had the mysterious soldier delivered his message, he disappeared into the thickening mist.

And Justin kept running.

“Hurry…there may still be time…”

The voice again.  Or maybe soggy wind through decaying leaves.

“Hurry…”

Justin continued running until he felt like he couldn’t run anymore.  Out of breath, his heart pounding out of his chest, his entire body cramping, he looked up to see another young man standing in the center of the road.  But, this one he knew all too well.

Jonas.

Putting his finger to his lips, commanding silence, Jonas motioned for Justin to follow until he led him to an upturned car in a ditch on the side of the road.

Immediately Justin ran to the car and found it empty.  He searched around the immediate area, finally looking to Jonas to supply some answers about why he had brought him here.

But Jonas was gone.

And Justin no longer felt like he needed to hurry.  And that wasn’t a good thing.

His foot made contact with something soft, and he looked down.  His heart felt as if it would tear through his throat at what he found.  It was the young man in army fatigues.  And half his face was gone.

Justin turned then and started running the opposite way until suddenly he found himself in the woods.  It was snowing, and he was barefoot, and the frigid air caused a deep ache in his bones.

Hurry.

Justin looked down at his feet.  They were becoming battered and bruised from the thick, snow-covered underbrush.  But, then he heard the call of a raven, and he looked up.  What he saw caused all of the air to leave his lungs.

Abby stood in front of him, her arms inviting, her stare blank and cold.  And she was covered in blood.

Justin awoke with a start and found that not only was his T-shirt sticking to his body, he couldn’t seem to catch his breath.  The dream seemed to keep its tentacles wrapped around him in an effort to draw him back to the otherworld.  It had been so vivid…so real.  But, already he was beginning to forget.

Camarin awoke, alarmed to see Justin’s apparent distress.  She sat up and quickly turned on the bedside lamp. “Justin?”

Justin grabbed at his chest, his eyes desperately searching.

“Here.  Here’s your inhaler.”  Camarin grabbed the small cylinder off the table beside the bed and handed it over.  She watched as Justin inhaled a few puffs, and breathed her own sigh of relief when his breathing seemed to return to normal.  She continued to watch cautiously for several seconds.  “Are you okay?”

Justin nodded, still not ready to try speaking.  He shivered violently.  A dream…it was just a dream…

“Are you cold?”  Camarin drew the discarded comforter up off the floor and wrapped it around Justin’s shoulders.  “Justin, please talk to me.”

“I’m okay.”  It was a lie.  His body felt like one giant cramp.

Camarin continued to scrutinize closely, and could see right through the charade.  “No, you’re not.  You’re hurting.”  She looked at the alarm clock and could see it was almost three a.m.  There was still a lot of night left.  “I’m going to get you some Demerol.”

Justin almost told his fiancée to forget it, but then he thought better of it.  The truth was, he was in pain.  And maybe, if he took the narcotic, he would be able to get back to sleep.  Dreamless sleep.  Yeah, that would be a good thing.  Or maybe the drug would cause even more disturbing dreams.  There was no way to know, so he decided to take a chance.  “Okay…”

Spurred into quicker action now by the fact that Justin didn’t put up any argument about the medication, Camarin hurried to the kitchen area where she had stored the small bottle of pills.  Shaking one into her hand, she returned to the bedroom with that and a glass of water.

Justin accepted the large, white pill from Camarin and downed it with no hesitation.

“Would another position be more comfortable?”  Camarin asked.  “I could help you get onto your side…” 

“Yeah…yeah it might.”

Camarin noticed Justin’s damp shirt and was concerned he would become chilled.  “Do you want another shirt first?”

Justin seemed to consider that, then threw back the covers and sat up slowly and with a groan. “On second thought…I think I’d like to get some fresh air.”  The gory images from his dream had followed him into consciousness and he was hoping the pacific breeze might distract and help him relax again.  Right now, sleep was out of the question.

“Now?”  Camarin asked in disbelief.

“Just for a few minutes.  I just…”  Justin hesitated.  He wasn’t sure he wanted to discuss his dream with Camarin.  “I had sort of a nightmare and I need to clear my head.”

“A nightmare?”  Camarin knew a lot about nightmares, although it had been a while since she’d had one.  But she remembered how unsettled she would feel after waking from yet another subconscious conjuring of memories she tried hard not to think about when she was awake.  She wondered if Justin had been dreaming about the fire and considered how frightening that experience must have been for him.  She wondered if he really even remembered much of it.  “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really.  Can’t even remember it, really.  Just need to shake it off.”

“Okay, well it’s chilly outside.  Let’s at least get you a dry shirt.”  Camarin pulled a fresh T-shirt out of the closet along with the sweatshirt she had recently bought for him.  Then, she helped him put them on before positioning his wheelchair next to the bed and helping him transfer into it.  After a quick stop for her own sweatshirt, she pushed the chair out onto the patio and set the brake.  “The ocean is so peaceful at night.”

“Sure is…”  Justin cautiously drew in a breath of the salty air.  “Makes me want to stay up and watch the sunrise.”

“Except that you need your rest.”  Camarin reminded him.

“I know…” 

The two watched the ocean in comfortable silence for a while until finally Camarin spoke.

“I still have that song in my head…”

“What song?”  Justin wondered.

“The one from the movie.  ‘Over the Rainbow?’”

“Oh, right…”  Justin nodded.  The Demerol was beginning to make him feel fuzzy.  “It’s a pretty song.”

“It reminded me of when I was little.”  Camarin explained as she continued to gaze out at the moonlight reflecting off the whitecaps, creating a silvery, almost magical illusion.  “I used to make up places in my head…places where children weren’t afraid and papas didn’t hurt their little ones.  And everyone had enough food to eat…”

Justin swallowed a lump in his throat.  Here in Long Beach it was easy to forget where Camarin came from.  And having never been on the reservation himself he could only imagine the life she had left behind.  And while his own childhood had been far from privileged, he had never known what it was like to live in conditions that were anything less than middle class.  Suddenly he felt very spoiled.

“And now here I am...living in this beautiful place.  My girls are going to a real school.  And it’s all because of you…”

“Because of me?”  Justin didn’t feel comfortable taking any credit for Camarin’s success in getting off the reservation.  “I’m not the one who had the courage to leave everything behind and come to a strange place.  Sweetheart, that was all you.”

“There wasn’t much to leave…”  Camarin’s mind drifted sadly to Ten Bears and Chaske and the people she used to help at the clinic.  Sometimes she wondered if she’d ever see them again.

“And this place?  You’ve done more to get this business ready to go than I have.”

“I guess…”  Camarin smiled.  “But, I used to dream a lot when I was a girl.  I used to dream about getting married and living in a real house.  About having children.  And then Tate came along, and…I thought I would have all of those things…But, then that didn’t work out and…well, I guess I started thinking that dreams really didn’t come true after all.”

Justin thought about what Camarin had told him about her ex-husband, Tate.  About how he treated her after he found out she couldn’t have children, as if a wife’s only role was to provide offspring to carry on the family name.  Just imagining it made him angry. The idea that anyone could raise a hand to someone as beautiful and gentle as Camarin…

As he became more and more lost in his thoughts, his mind settled on Abby, and the dreams they had together, dreams that included having a big house full of children.  And he remembered how those dreams had died in the same instant Abby’s heart had stopped beating.  Yes, Justin knew a little bit about dreams that weren’t meant to come true.

“But, now…”  Camarin paused, as emotions started getting the better of her.  “Never…ever did I think…”  She started to cry.

“Hey…come here.”  Justin motioned for Camarin to come closer.  “What’s wrong?”

“I just…I just never thought I would have so much.”  Camarin knelt down in front of the wheelchair and placed her hands on either side of Justin’s face.  He was so handsome.  And she loved him so much.  “Or be so happy.”

Justin wanted to draw Camarin into his lap, but he knew that wouldn’t be a good idea right now, so he settled for smoothing her long, sleek hair with his palm.  “I think I know what you mean.”  After Abby had died, Justin figured he would never know happiness or love like that again, especially after several failed relationships.  But, he never counted on meeting Camarin.

“Are you happy?”

The question was unexpected, and it threw Justin momentarily off guard.  And for some inexplicable reason, the haunting images from his dream suddenly popped into his head.  “Huh?  What do you mean?  Of course I’m happy.  I’ve never been happier.”

Not even with Abby?  The question sat right there on her lips, but she wouldn’t voice it.  To ask such a thing wouldn’t be fair.  After all, Camarin respected the love Justin had had for his former fiancée.  But, Camarin couldn’t deny there was one thing Abby could have given him that she couldn’t.  The very thing that had turned Tate against her.  “Sometimes…sometimes I wonder if…if my not being able to have children bothers you.”

Again Camarin left Justin momentarily speechless.  How was it she had managed to hit upon the one thing that sometimes gnawed at his heart uninvited?  The truth was, it did bother him, especially lately with Hannah and John looking forward to the birth of their child.  There was definitely a part of him that envied John for being able to have something that he had always wanted.  A son or daughter of his own.  But in the end, Justin had decided he loved Camarin far too much to allow this one speck on an otherwise perfect slate stand in the way of their being together. 

So, what was he supposed to say to her?  Should he lie and say it didn’t bother him at all?  Or should he be honest?  Or should he come out with something completely unexpected.  “Cam…the doctor who told you that you couldn’t conceive…did he give you a reason?”

So he IS bothered.  Camarin’s heart deflated a bit.  “He um…he told me I was infertile.  Barren.”  The word felt cold.

“But, he didn’t tell you why?”

Camarin started to pull away, suddenly uncomfortable with where this conversation was headed.  “Justin, I don’t…”

“Hey, come back here.”  Justin soothed, as he drew Camarin back in.  “I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to upset you.”

Camarin dried her eyes with the back of her hand. 

“It’s just that…there are lots of different things that cause infertility.  And some of them can be fixed.”

“They can?”  Camarin had never considered that.

“Yep.”  Justin went back to smoothing her hair.  “You could always make an appointment with Hannah’s doctor.  See what he has to say.  That is…if you want to.”

“I could talk to her, I guess.”  Camarin decided.

“Okay, but I want you to know…”  Justin cupped Camarin’s chin and tilted her head so he could look into her eyes.  “I will still love you and want you no matter what he says.  I’m not Tate.  You got it?”

“I love you.”  Camarin’s eyes filled up with tears and she leaned in for a long kiss.

After separating, Camarin took a moment to catch her breath.  “Well, we should probably get you back to bed.”

“Huh?”  Justin shifted his position.  “Oh, right.”  He was well into feeling the familiar loopiness the narcotics left behind.  At least his pain was gone.  And, he was feeling pretty sleepy.

Camarin wheeled Justin back into the bedroom and helped him into bed.  Then she crawled in beside him and snuggled close.  “Feeling better now?”

“Yeah…tired.”  Justin yawned.  He wrapped his arm around his fiancée and allowed her to snuggle in against his shoulder.  “I love you so much…”

“I love you too.”  Camarin lay awake until Justin’s rhythmic breathing indicated he was sleeping.  Then, she closed her eyes and tried to recall the words Judy Garland had sung while she dreamed of a better life.  Finally she drifted off thinking that sometimes dreams really do come true.

***

Part 5