Champagne and Cigars

By Nancy W.

It was a bright sunny day and A-shift was coming off of three days of rest. Captain Stanley, Roy and Johnny all had shopping experiences that they would rather forget. Unfortunately for them, there was one person who was out to milk their experiences for all they were worth.

Chet Kelly showed up for work an hour early. B-shift happened to be out on a run, so he had the whole station to himself. He ran out to his VW bus and grabbed two grocery bags.

This is gonna be great, he cackled to himself. Luckily I ran into Peterson from 36's yesterday.

He entered the locker room and took his ‘assault weapons’ out of the bags.

First Roy and Johnny.

Chet took the contents of the box out and divided them evenly.

Good. Twelve each in this box.

He opened Gage's locker and started to distribute the contents inside. He then went to Roy's locker and did the same. He stuffed them in the shirt pockets, shoes, anywhere he could find that had a pocket in it. Next, Kelly took out a box of pads.

Huh, these don't have any covering.

Chet thought of an idea. He took the protective covering off the back and stuck them to their lockers. Unfortunately, the squad was still out on a run so he had to wait for that little masquerade until it returned. He was just hoping he'd have enough time to put his plan into action.

Next he went into the kitchen and took the box of Velveeta cheese out and stuffed it with tampons.

Hope Gage is cooking today. He'll need the ‘cheese’ for his hamburgers.

Chet snickered. In another box, he had another little surprise. I'll save that one for later.

OK. Onto Cap's office, while the coast is still clear.

He took out three douche boxes containing the fragrances of Mountain Dew and Spring Mist. He opened Cap's drawer and took out the antacid and put a box in there. He hung one behind the door upside down leaving the nozzle facing downward. Then he took one and put it in a bag that wine would come in, twisted the top and set a glass next to it and put it on top of Cap's desk. He saved one to put on the dash of the engine.

Chet just finished, when he heard B-shift pull in. He quickly left Cap's office and closed the door. B-shift looked bedraggled.

Must have been a big fire. Kelly surmised.

They all looked grimy and exhausted. He only hoped that Captain Hookrader wouldn't go into the office and see his little set-up. Fortunately for him, the guys just grabbed their stuff from their lockers and got ready to leave, including Hookrader.

Chet let out the breath he was holding. He was sure Hookrader would go into the office.

OK, now for the fun part.

He went to his locker and got the rest of the bags out. He made quick work of the squad and the passenger seat of the engine, including Stanley's turnout as well as Gage’s and DeSoto's.

A-shift started arriving. Chet put the finishing touches on his handiwork and went into the kitchen to make coffee.

~*~*~

Johnny arrived early for once, entering the dorm with Roy. They were talking quietly about their little adventure the other day, not quite believing that Joanne didn't warn them what was on the list.

"I'm telling you Roy, if you have to pick up stuff like that for wives, I'm not getting married,” Johnny complained. "I'd much rather stay a bachelor.”

"Oh c'mon, Johnny, it wasn't that bad,” Roy argued back.

"Well, easy for you to say. We're just lucky that no one saw us!" Johnny continued on. He opened his locker and quickly shut it again.

"Roy, he whispered, “open your locker, quick.”

"What?" Roy questioned him, because he hadn’t heard his partner.

"Open your locker,” Johnny stated again this time a little louder.

Roy opened his locker and promptly shut it again. They both stared at one another. Their mouths went dry and they started feeling the heat in the feet and rising swiftly. They both opened their lockers again. There, clung to and stuffed into every available space, were sanitary napkins and tampons. They quickly shut them again.

"We saw no one, right?" Johnny panicked.

"No, no,” Roy stammered. "No one was there that we saw.”

"How did he find out?” Johnny fumed, his embarrassment being consumed by anger. "Chet!” He yelled. "Get in here!"

"You bellowed? Oh my, what do we have here?" Chet started laughing uncontrollably as he stared at his handiwork. He watched as DeSoto and Gage started peeling off the pads and pulling out the tampons from their lockers.

"Not funny, Chet,” Johnny remarked.

"Oh come on, lighten up, it was funny. Too bad I couldn't see your faces in the store. Peterson said the looks on your faces were priceless.”

"Peterson SAW us?" Roy gaped at Chet. "Where was he? We didn't see him.”

"He saw you two at the checkout, when the girl called out to ‘Charlie’ for the price,” Chet guffawed.

"Great, just great,” Johnny whined. “It's probably all over the department by now. He couldn't just keep his big mouth shut, could he. Roy, we'll never live this down.”

~*~*~

Captain Stanley arrived at the station and headed for his office. Chet saw him enter and wished he had a camera at that moment. He could just imagine the look on Stanley's face when he saw what was on his desk.

As Cap entered, he closed the door. He didn't notice that the bottle hanging over the door slipped a little further down the door when he shut it. He was too busy eyeing the contents sitting on top of his desk. He looked at the glass and commented to himself,

Who would leave a bottle of champagne and glass sitting here. B-Shift had a long night according to the log book.

He slowly opened the bag and peeked inside.

In his fury to get to the menace, Hank pulled open his office door. The douche swung and hit him in the face. He pulled it from the strip and in his anger squeezed the bottle. The top broke off and Cap was now doused in Floral Bouquet. "Kelly, my office, now!” He bellowed out the office door, and slammed it closed again. Chet could have sworn he felt the building shake. With a look of dread, he slowly shuffled to Cap's office.

"Wonder what that's all about?” Johnny questioned.

"As long as it's not us. C'mon let's take advantage of it and check the squad. B-Shift had a rough night so we probably have to make a run to Rampart,” Roy chimed in.

"What is the meaning of this?” Cap scowled at Chet, who was a scant inch away from Cap's nose.

"Uh, uh, ummmm..... it was just a little joke, Cap. No one saw anything. Not even B-Shift. They came back and left. Hook. . .Uh. . . Captain Hookrader never even came in here,” Chet stammered as he backed away from the fragrant Captain.

"Man, that stuff sure is strong,” Chet tried fanning himself with his hand to ward off the offensive odor.

Hank reached into his drawer for an antacid tablet and his hand absently picked up another box. Looking at what he picked up, he threw it into the wastebasket as he slowly advanced on Chet once more.

"You, my fine friend, have latrine duty for the next two months. And if I hear one word about this ever from anyone, ONE WORD! It will be a year. Do I make myself clear?” He barked.

"As cyrstal as that champagne glass, Cap,” Chet backed up to the door, opened it and fled. Hank then stalked off to the shower.

~*~*~

The rest of A-Shift stood by the kitchen door rooted to their spots by the yelling of their normally calm leader.

"Uh, Johnny, let's check out the squad now." Roy ushered Johnny none to gently out of the kitchen.

"Yeah, OK,” Johnny agreed.

"What was that all about, Chet?" Marco questioned him.

Chet didn't hear him. He was trying to beat the guys out to the squad, but he was too late. Roy opened the side door and out poured tampons and pads. Roy was rooted to his spot. Johnny stared at the bay station floor, his feet covered in feminine products.

"Chet, what the hell is this?” Roy fumed as he started picking up the products off the floor, Johnny right behind him trying to grab as many as he could. Roy looked around for something to hide them, but there was nothing around to stuff them in.

"Sssshhhhhhhh, don't let Cap hear you,” Chet pleaded. "I'm in enough trouble with him as it is.”

"Where did you get all this from? Don't tell me you bought all these just for a prank!" Johnny glared at the Phantom.

"Nah, it was actually a bit of luck,” Kelly beamed. "The boxes were damaged and some were opened up and they can't be sold. I got three cases of 'em and boy the looks on your faces was worth the punishment".

"Punishment? What punishment?" Johnny said as he finally found a trash bag and started stuffing the bag. Once it was full, they went to open the drug box and standing up straight were four pads and two tampons.

"Don't you ever give up?" Roy sighed.

"Are you kidding? This is one of the best ideas I've come up with. I not only got you two, but I got Cap. . ."Kelly clammed up.

"What did you do to Cap?" Johnny questioned just as Captain called out "Roll Call! Now!”

"Great, just great. Now we have to contend with Cap's mood all day, not to mention our own, after this little prank of yours. Next time you see Peterson, you thank him for us!" Johnny growled as he and Roy put the rest of the pads and tampons in the trash bag.

No sooner had the guys lined up for roll call, and they were called out to a building fire. Chet forgot about the douches in Cap's turnout coat and the pads and tampons in Johnny’s and Roy's. He put on his turnout before he realized that he forgot about them. Kelly went to reach for Stanley's and take the douches out, but he wasn't fast enough. Cap put on his turnout and noticed that they felt a little bulky at the pockets. He reached in and pulled out a bottle from each pocket.

"Kelly, you're dead meat," he turned to face Kelly but Chet turned away. The fireman just hoped that when Johnny and Roy put theirs on, they didn't feel inside their pockets. Maybe they wouldn't notice and he could get them out before they felt them, he sulked.

~*~*~

The men spent the next three hours at the fire. There were no injuries so it was just a matter of putting out the fire and cleaning up. They returned around noon. It was Johnny's turn to cook.

While everyone went into the kitchen, Chet went into the bay to see if he could get the stuff out of Johnny’s and Roy's pockets. He felt inside them and found them gone.

Great, too late, he groaned.

He turned to go into the dorm when he heard his name called.

"Kelly!” He heard Johnny shout. Oh man, he forgot about the box of cheese.

Lord, I forgot about the other box too!

Chet slowly made his way to the kitchen.

Might as well face the music. It was such a good prank, too.

By this time Marco and Mike had probably been told what happened. It was probably all over the department and Rampart as well. Only Chet and Cap knew about their little meeting, though. Whether or not the other guys were told, Chet had no idea.

By the fury on Captain Stanley's face, they better not find out or I'm a dead man.

Chet entered the kitchen. All the guys were staring at him. Lunch was on the table. Instead of pickles on Chet's plate, there were two tampons. His hamburger was sandwiched between two pads. And instead of milk, he had a bottle of douche.

I guess he told them.

"Dig in, Chet,” Cap sneered.

"Cap, you can't be serious,” Chet cried out in horror.

"I should make you eat every last thing on your plate for the little pranks you
pulled this morning,” Cap stated.

The guys just chuckled. Johnny got up and got Chet his normal plate, and the guysate their lunch. Chet apologized to Cap, Roy and Johnny but admitted it was still a good prank.

I just wish I had a camera, he sighed.

After they finished, the dishes were cleaned up and put away, and the counter and table wiped off.

"Oh, just more thing, Chet.” Cap got up from the couch and walked over to the fireman, with a cigar box in his hand. "Got a light?"