Damned If You Do, Damned If You Don't
By Terribv
John Gage slide behind the wheel of his Land Rover. He stole a glance at his watch and winced. He knew it was late but seeing the actual time seemed to make it worse. Joanne DeSoto would have his hide for this one for sure. He looked over at his passenger and grinned. Seeing him with a bright smile on his face made it all worthwhile.
“Buckle up, Sport,” he instructed the ten-year-old boy.
Johnny waited until Chris had done as he was told before he started the truck. They still had a good ride ahead of them before they’d reach the DeSoto house and Johnny could only hope that traffic would be moving at a good pace. He carefully checked for other vehicles before pulling out into traffic and making his way toward Carson.
“Thanks for taking me to the game, Uncle Johnny,” the boy exclaimed happily. The smile was still plastered on his face.
And it was so genuine that Johnny couldn’t help but smile in return. “That was one of the best games I’ve seen in a long time, Chris. We’ll be talking about this one for months.”
Chris tossed the baseball he was holding from hand to hand as he thought about what Johnny had said. “Do you think the Dodgers will win the pennant this year, Uncle Johnny,” he asked very seriously.
Johnny smiled as he pondered the prospect. It had been three years since they won their last pennant, and with Tommy Lasorda at the helm they were looking pretty good. “I’d say they have a pretty good shot,” he acknowledged as he turned the Rover towards the 110 freeway.
Chris tossed the ball back up in the air. “Can you believe I caught Steve Garvey’s home run ball,” he asked excitedly. “I’m gonna have Dad put this up on my shelf so it doesn’t get messed up.”
Johnny smiled at the boy’s enthusiasm for the game and he hoped that it would win Joanne over as well. She was going to be pretty upset with him for keeping Chris out so late especially since she hadn’t been too keen on the idea of him going to the game in the first place. Chris still had a few more days of school left and Joanne had been complaining how hard it was to get him up in the morning and that was when he went to bed on time. Now with it being so late because of the game going into extra innings, Joanne was not going to be happy.
The two chatted about the game as they drove along each extolling the virtues of their favorite players and Johnny told Chris that he thought this was the best time to be a Dodger fan. The infield was one of the best in baseball and they had Don Sutton on the mound. Sutton had had 21 wins the previous season and the power at the plate was nothing short of amazing. Yes, it was definitely the time to be a Dodger fan.
And as much as Johnny loved the Dodgers, he also loved going to Dodger stadium. It had a breath-taking view of downtown Los Angeles to the south and the green, tree-lined Elysian hills to the north and east, and the San Gabriel Mountains beyond. It was, to Johnny’s mind, the perfect place to watch a baseball game, and tonight’s game was proof positive. Yes, they would be talking about this night for months to come.
Johnny checked his watch again as they merged onto the 405. They were nearing home and making pretty good time so far. Chris was still pumped up about the game and anxious to show his father his souvenir. Johnny could only hope that Chris maintained the same level of enthusiasm when they arrived home. If they had left before the game was over, Chris never would have caught the ball and who could argue with that logic or so Johnny thought. Of course, mothers never saw things the same way and he hoped that Joanne wouldn’t be too upset.
They took the Wilmington Avenue exit and were very close when the tire blew out. Johnny pulled off to the side of the road and got out to survey the damage.
“Stay in the car,” he said to Chris as he got out. This section of the road was deserted at this time of night and Johnny glanced around as he walked around to the passenger side of the truck.
There were a thousand foul words running around inside his head but he managed to keep them there. It wouldn’t do to have Chris go home with an expanded vocabulary at this point. The tires weren’t that old and for one of them to have blown out like that made him think that he’d run over something. He looked back down the road and there was indeed something lying in the roadway.
He walked back around the truck and opened his door. “I’ll be back in a sec, okay? I want to see what I ran over. Lock your door. I’ll be right back,” he told his little friend.
Once he was sure that Chris was secure in the truck, he jogged down the road to check out what had caused the damage. “What the hell…,” he muttered as he came upon the foreign object. He picked up the piece of plywood and turned it over in his hands. “Who would do something like this,” he said to himself. “Great, just great,” he continued as he turned back to the truck carrying the piece of wood.
Chris had been turned around in his seat watching and Johnny held up the board when he saw him. “Can you believe someone would deliberately put this in the road,” he asked not expecting an answer but still very upset and wanting to vent. He motioned for Chris to open the door.
“Come on out of there while I change this tire,” he instructed. He was going to have to jack the truck up and it wouldn’t be safe to leave Chris in the car. He pointed to spot on the sidewalk. “Hang out over there until I can get this changed, all right?”
Chris nodded his head in compliance as he stepped up onto the sidewalk. He didn’t dare ask any questions or object as his uncle was not in a good mood at the moment.
“Stupid kids, think they’re funny,” Johnny ranted as he pulled the jack out of the back and got the spare tire down.
He turned back to look at Chris who was standing obediently where he was told. Assured that the boy was where he was supposed to be, he slid the jack under the truck and started to raise the truck off the ground. The process was slow going and Johnny dreaded every second it was taking. He was certain that Joanne would never again let him take one of her children anywhere.
Once the truck was high enough, Johnny went to work on removing on the old tire. The nails that had been sticking up through the board had done a number on his tire and he knew there would be no salvaging it. He tossed it off to the side and was reaching for the spare when he heard footsteps.
He looked around for Chris and sharply drew in his breath when he saw the gunman standing next to the boy. The night was deadly quiet and when once there had been a breeze, the air stood still. The man was dressed in black pants and a black shirt and wore a dark cap on his head but all Johnny saw was the gun pointed at Chris’ head.
He slowly raised his hands in a show of surrender. “We don’t want any trouble, Mister,” Johnny said cautiously.
“Neither do I,” the gunman replied, “so let’s make this nice and easy. Hand over your cash,” he instructed. “And don’t even think about playing the hero.”
Johnny’s eyes never left Chris’ as he reached into his back pocket and pulled out his wallet. Chris was scared and trembling and there was nothing Johnny could do for him.
“Toss it over,” the robber told him when he held it out. “The watch, too!”
Johnny slowly undid the clasp on his watch and tossed that the short distance to where the man now stood with Chris. He didn’t want to make any fast movements to scare the man. He was afraid that even if the wind picked back up again it would cause the gunman to tighten his hold on the trigger.
Johnny held his hands back up. “That’s all I have,” he said honestly.
“What about the kid? He got anything on him?”
Johnny face was one of disbelief. “He’s 10 years old, man,” he said through clenched teeth trying to impart the boy’s innocence.
The gunman used his free hand to pat down Chris’ pants pockets anyway. Satisfied that the boy didn’t have any money on him, he used that free hand to pull Chris closer to him as he continued to keep his eyes on Johnny.
“Now, I want you to turn around and walk away,” he instructed.
“No,” Johnny said emphatically.
“S’cuz me, friend, what did you say?”
Johnny looked from Chris’ frightened face to that of the gunman. “You heard me. We cooperated. We gave you everything we had. But I will not turn my back and walk away unless the boy comes with me.”
“You thinkin’ I might take the boy? That it?” The gunman gave Johnny an evil smile.
Johnny didn’t reply but that was exactly what he was thinking, and there was no way he would let that happen. Not without a fight. He wouldn’t let anything happen to Chris.
“Well, friend, I ain’t into kidnappin’ or little boys,” the gunman replied but tightened his hold around Chris’ neck. He lifted the gun away from Chris and waved it around. “Besides you don’t have too many options. You do what I say and the boy will be just fine. You don’t and he possibly gets hurt.” The gun was lowered and aimed at Chris’ head again. “Now turn around and walk away.”
Johnny stared at the man for what seemed an eternity but was really only a few seconds. He then looked at Chris who was still trembling and tears were streaming down his cheeks. How could he turn his back on the child and walk away leaving him to God knows what? But he couldn’t risk doing something foolish and having Chris get hurt or worse as a result. And he really didn’t have any options with the gun being held to the boy’s head like that. How could he tell Roy and Joanne that Chris got shot because Johnny tried to play the hero? But then again how could he ever face them knowing that he turned his back on their child and left him. God, how was he supposed to know what to do? Johnny’s eyes locked with Chris’ and he knew that he had to play it safe. He had to trust that this guy was just out for money and nothing else.
“Come on, friend, get moving.”
It was all Johnny could do to tear his eyes from the boy’s face but he did, and he turned around slowly and began walking in the other direction. His heart was being ripped into a million pieces. The look on Chris’ face as he turned away was killing him. How could he have done it? Please God, he thought, let Chris be all right. Please don’t let him hurt him or take him. Somewhere in the back of his mind, the thought occurred to him that this guy might just shoot Johnny in the back but with each step that he took the possibility grew slimmer.
He didn’t know how far he had walked or even how many steps he had taken, but he finally stopped walking. He waited, but he didn’t hear the gunman tell him to keep going nor did he hear Chris call out to him. He heard the squeal of tires and whirled around. He’d never seen a car but that didn’t mean that there wasn’t one there waiting.
He almost felt his heart leap out of his chest when he saw Chris still standing on the sidewalk right where he’d left him. Right where Johnny had turned his back on him. His feet began moving before he even thought about it. He ran fast and his long legs covered the ground in no time flat. He was reaching out for the boy before he even slowed down and his arms gathered him up and held him close.
“Are you okay,” he asked immediately and although the boy didn’t say anything, he saw his nod in the affirmative. “I’m so sorry, Chris,” Johnny choked out. “I’m so sorry.”
He didn’t know if he was holding Chris so tight in an effort to reassure the boy or to reassure himself but he didn’t want to let go. He wasn’t even aware of his own tears sliding slowly down his face.
A hundred thousand thoughts were swirling around inside Johnny’s head but there was one that kept coming back to the top: ‘I turned my back on Roy’s kid’. How would any of them be able to trust him ever again? How could he ever face them after what he’d done?
What had once been a night to remember had turned into one that Johnny would just as soon forget.
Part 2
Joanne DeSoto was wearing a path between the chair that she had been sitting in and her living room window. She wasn’t even aware of how many times in the last hour that she’d walked that path to look out the window in search of the white Land Rover. Her emotions had run the gamut from worry to anger and back to worry again.
Her husband, Roy, was asleep on the sofa and his soft snores irritated her to no end. Normally, they were a comfort to her but not tonight. Roy was a Firefighter/Paramedic with the Los Angeles County Fire Department and as a result of his career choice; he’d grown accustomed to falling asleep quickly. But she just didn’t understand how he could fall asleep when his ten-year-old son was out so late.
She hadn’t wanted to allow Chris to attend tonight’s baseball game in the first place especially since it was on a school night but she’d been talked into it by three very persuasive men and had given in. Now, she wished she’d stuck to her guns.
As she walked back to the window, Roy opened his eyes. “Jo, I’m sure they’re fine. They’re probably just stuck in traffic.” He repositioned the pillow under his head and turned to look at his wife. She didn’t look happy. He threw his legs off the sofa and sat up. “Honey, it was a good game that went into extra innings and the traffic leaving the stadium was probably nuts. He’s with Johnny. He’s fine.”
Joanne shook her head. “Just because he’s with Johnny doesn’t mean he’s fine,” she spat out nastily and regretted her tone immediately. “Accidents happen, Roy. You see it everyday. And they’re too late for it to just be traffic tie ups. I know something’s wrong. I just know it.” She turned back to facing out the window. Please come home, she prayed silently.
Roy knew that what Joanne had said was true but he also knew his partner and when his kids went anywhere with Johnny, Roy didn’t feel the need to worry. Everyday they were on shift over the last couple of years had proven to Roy that Johnny always had his back and that trust had spilled over into their personal lives as well.
He stood and walked over to where his wife was standing, and as he came up behind her he slid his arms around her waist. Unconsciously, Joanne leaned into him for support and comfort. She knew he thought she worried too much and she probably did. After all, she was the wife of a firefighter and that carried a weight that other women didn’t have to live with. She knew that once he walked out that door to go to work in the morning, things were out of her control. She knew that he was good at his job and that he had good men looking out for him but she still worried. Her children were another matter and she felt that she had some measure of control over them but as they grew older and were becoming more independent she could feel some of that control slipping away. And it was a hard thing to deal with.
Still maintaining the hold on his wife, Roy rested his chin on her shoulder and stood vigil. Come on, Junior, where are you, he thought.
Another half an hour passed before the headlights from Johnny’s truck startled them. Joanne had been to the chair and back three times in the last thirty minutes and Roy had just come back from pouring himself a glass of milk. He sat the milk on the table.
“Now you can stop worrying, Jo. They’re home,” he remarked.
“Thank God,” Joanne replied as she made a beeline for the front door.
“Jo, don’t,” Roy called out and seeing her puzzled expression he explained. “I don’t want Johnny to think that we sat here all night worrying. Come sit down. They’ll be in in a minute.”
Roy sat down on the sofa and motioned to the chair. The television, which sat in the corner, was still on but the volume was so low that you almost couldn’t hear it. Joanne looked hesitantly from the door to the chair and finally relented. She chose the chair and had just sat down when the front door was pushed open.
Johnny carried Chris from the car into the house. He had fallen asleep on the ride home and Johnny didn’t want to wake him. The police had offered to give them a ride but Johnny declined. It was late and he knew that Joanne was probably worried out of her mind already. He didn’t want to scare them by having a police car pull up in front of their house.
As the door swung open, he wasn’t surprised to see both Roy and Joanne awake. Roy immediately stood and covered the distance to Johnny to retrieve his sleeping son. Johnny looked pretty wiped out himself and for the first time; Roy began to think that maybe there had been a problem.
“Thanks, Johnny,” he said as he took the boy from his friend. “Did ya run into a lot of traffic?” Chris was still holding onto his homerun ball and Roy smiled when he saw it.
Joanne had walked up and stood next to her husband. She looked down at her sleeping son glad to have him home once again. She brushed her fingers through her hair and kissed his forehead.
Johnny fidgeted and both of the DeSotos' looked up when no answer to Roy’s question was forthcoming.
“Johnny,” Roy said questioningly. He had grown pretty accustomed to reading his partner’s face over the years and he didn’t like what he saw there now.
“Before we get into it,” Johnny began, “why don’t you put Chris to bed.”
The two parents looked at each other, their son and then back to Johnny with concern evident on their faces.
“Chris is fine,” Johnny assured them. “A bit shook up and scared but he’s not hurt,” he added.
Neither Roy nor Joanne seemed to want to move but finally Roy broke the awkward silence and turned toward the bedrooms. Joanne had been right all along, he thought as he carried his son to his bed. Something was very definitely wrong and as he lay the boy down and turned he almost knocked over his wife.
Roy knew that Johnny’s cryptic comments and only served to worry her more and she wanted to check her son over to assure herself that he was indeed okay. Roy moved to the side to give her room but he didn’t leave the bedroom. Ordinarily he would have left Joanne to tend to Chris and joined Johnny in the living room but tonight, for some reason, he felt that they should be together when they returned.
He couldn’t fathom what had put the look of utter defeat and despair on his friend’s face but it scared him nonetheless.
When Joanne was secure in the knowledge that he child was really okay, they joined their friend.
Johnny dreaded the moment that Roy and Joanne would walk back into the room. It meant that he would have to tell them what he’d done. All the way over here, he’d debated on whether or not to leave that part of the ordeal out. Wasn’t it enough to know that a gun had been held to their son’s head? Did they really need to know that their friend, the man that they entrusted to take care of him had failed in that regard? But trust was paramount to everything Johnny believed in. And even though he knew that Roy would never be able to trust him again, at least not with his children, he needed to be able to trust himself. And that meant telling the truth, the whole truth no matter how ugly it might be.
Johnny knew how well his partner could read him. It was one of the things that made them a good team. They were always in sync with each other and more often than not one would know what the other was thinking without any words being spoken. If Johnny had really thought about it, it might have scared him that someone knew him almost as well as he knew himself but he accepted it for the godsend that it was. It made rescues and firefighting that much easier for both of them and he kind of liked it.
Where once Joanne had stood watching through the window, Johnny had now taken up position but he knew when the DeSotos had entered the room because he could feel their eyes on his back. He didn’t turn around right away but instead tried in vain to garner some measure of composure before he spilled his guts.
With each moment of passing silence, Roy could sense the tension in his friend and it made his heart ache. For the dread of the unknown and the obvious torment his partner was going through led Roy to the belief that something terrible had happened tonight. He just wished Johnny would open up and let it out. After all, Chris was home and he was safely sleeping in his room now and he had not a mark on him. What could have been so horrible to cause the anguish that Roy saw in Johnny’s eyes when he turned around?
Warm brown eyes met compassionate blue ones. “You might want to sit down,” Johnny finally told them and they did so.
Joanne was just as scared as her husband but not because she was as in tune with Johnny as her husband was but because she’d felt in her gut all night that something was wrong. And now Johnny’s words and actions had confirmed that for her.
Joanne linked her hand with her husband’s without even realizing it as they sat side by side on the sofa where only an hour ago Roy had been sleeping.
Johnny rubbed his hands over his face and up through his hair. He needed to just get this over with. He couldn’t take it anymore. “We were robbed,” he blurted out.
Both of the DeSotos jumped to their feet in shock and horror.
“Oh my God,” Joanne exclaimed as her thoughts automatically went to those of sleeping son. Knowing that he was physically all right brought her some measure of comfort but seeing the psychological effects that it had on their friend brought about another wave of concerns.
“Where? When,” Roy asked in disbelief. That disbelief only continued to grow as Johnny relayed the ordeal that he and Chris had been subjected to.
Tears rolled down Joanne’s face as she thought of what her son, her baby had gone through tonight. She felt sick to her stomach at the vision of someone holding a gun on Chris. And she felt a renewed need to be with him but she knew she needed to hear the story out to its conclusion.
Where Joanne’s heart had taken over, Roy’s head did. Knowing that both his son and his friend were both alive was the most important thing to him. Knowing that what could have happened hadn’t was a great measure of relief. Obviously, they would both be affected by the ordeal and only time would tell how they handled it but they were alive. And he couldn’t ask for anything more than that. Or could he?
Johnny had told them of the thrill of the game and how the ride home had been interrupted when they’d run over the board spiked with nails and the tire had blown out. According to the police, it was a MO that was being used more and more often. He told them what the police had told him, that the thief waits until the car has been totally incapacitated before striking making a getaway easier. Which is why they were not hit until the tire had been removed from the vehicle.
Johnny reached into his back pocket and pulled out a folded piece of paper. He handed it to Roy. “The police gave this to me,” he explained.
Roy took the paper from the outstretched hand of his partner and opened it. He glanced at the title and the first few lines before looking back up at Johnny.
“It’s about coping after the fact,” he said softly. “I thought you should have it, you know, in case Chris, in case Chris has a hard time.” He didn’t look directly at Roy when he said this but at a spot just over his head. He couldn’t bring himself to look him in the eye. “It says he might have nightmares and stuff.” Johnny turned away. “Anyway, I thought it might help you guys to help him. It has things to do that might help.”
Roy handed the paper over to Joanne to look at. “I get the feeling that you haven’t told the whole story,” he said looking back at Johnny who had his back to them. Roy saw the shoulders visibly stiffen and knew that he’d hit a nerve. What could be worse than what he’d already told them?
When Johnny turned around, the anguish in his eyes made Joanne want to gather him close and never let him go. Johnny’s eyes had always been the windows to his soul and they both could plainly see the torment that he was in. It scared them all the more.
“After…after I’d given him everything I had,” Johnny managed to choke out, “he told me to turn around and walk away.” He paused and took a deep breath. “He was still holding Chris and he wanted me to turn around and walk away.” He couldn’t look at them and turned back to the window. “I said no. I said no way. But he held the gun up, waved it around. Said I had no choice.” Tears slid down his face as he remembered the feeling of utter hopelessness. “I walked away, Roy. I turned my back and walked away leaving Chris with him.” Johnny’s shoulders slumped in defeat and there was no mistaking the gasp of shock from Joanne.
For Roy’s part, his sharp intake of breath went unnoticed. He knew how much Johnny hated guns. He knew how upset his partner had been when Vince had pulled one on him after a head injury had made him incoherent. And he knew the pain that Johnny was in tonight. And Chris, they’d yet to talk with him about what had happened and how he felt so he didn’t know what had been going through Chris’ mind.
Johnny turned around to face them having gained a tender hold on his emotions. “I’m sorry. You can’t know how sorry I am for what I did,” he said softly. His eyes met Joanne’s and her heart melted.
“What you did, John, was what you had to in order to bring my son home to me,” she said gently. “You didn’t turn your back on Chris, you turned your back FOR Chris. There’s a difference there.” Joanne crossed the room and slid her arms around him. She knew how Johnny viewed what he’d done and she was uncertain how her husband viewed it but she knew how she felt and she knew what she would have done. To have done anything else would have put Chris in more danger. Roy had made her take a safety course last year and that was one of the first things they taught you: you have a better chance of getting hurt or killed if you put up a fight.
Roy, on the other hand, had conflicting emotions. There was a part of him that liked to think that he would have done something. That he wouldn’t have left Chris to a fate unknown. He knew the first rule of thumb was to cooperate and do what the gunman has ordered but this…he wasn’t quite sure he could have or would have done it. Of course, he realized that Johnny had been given no time to think it over or come up with other options. What he did know was that Johnny had apparently made the right choice because they were both alive. But to have to make a choice like that was unthinkable.
Part 3
Johnny woke up in a sweat. His sheets were drenched and he was shivering but his mouth was dry and he was thirsty. He stumbled from the bed and staggered toward the bathroom. He tore a paper cup from the dispenser and filled it with water, which he quickly swallowed. It took two more fills of the cup before he felt that he was no longer parched and dry.
He felt very unsettled and helpless. He padded back to his bed and lay down. He knew he needed to get a decent night’s sleep because he was on duty tomorrow but it seemed that every time he closed his eyes, he saw Chris with a gun to his head. It was an image that he didn’t think time would ever erase.
He felt helpless, well, because he had been. Vince had called him yesterday afternoon after having heard about the incident down at the station. Once he realized who the victims had been, he felt the need to make contact to see how they were doing. He’d told Johnny that he had also called the DeSotos' to check up on Chris as Johnny had done that morning. He knew Vince was just concerned but he didn’t feel like talking about. What good would it do anyway?
Luckily it had been Joanne who’d answered the phone when Johnny called. He didn’t think he could deal with Roy right now. He knew that Roy felt he should have done something more. He’d seen it written all over his face. Yeah, he was glad he had his son back but Johnny saw the questions there. He’d tried to cover it but Johnny saw it anyway. He just didn’t understand that Johnny had no other options. The guy had threatened to hurt Chris if Johnny hadn’t done what he was told.
Now, a day later, Johnny could mentally beat himself up; for being so wrapped up in his own ranting that he’d failed to pay better attention to his surroundings, for not reacting sooner when he saw the gun, for the way he handled everything. Vince had tried to reassure him last night that he’d done exactly what he should in a situation like that but Johnny just couldn’t come to terms with the fact that he’d turned his back and left Chris. And no matter what anyone tried to say, he knew that Roy and Joanne felt the same way.
The guilt that he felt for what he had done and for what Chris had been subjected to was unbelievable.
Yes, Joanne had said he’d done the right thing; that she would have done the same and maybe she would have but they would never know. And Roy didn’t say much of anything. He didn’t have to, it was written all over his face.
Johnny threw his arm up over his eyes and tried to settle himself down enough to get back to sleep but he kept seeing Chris’ face with that accusatory look on his face. He knew Chris didn’t understand why Johnny would leave him there. Chris had expected Johnny to protect him and he had failed.
Realizing that a peaceful sleep was not going to come, Johnny decided to get up and fix himself a decent breakfast. After all, that was one of the things that was supposed to make coping easier. Personally, he didn’t see how eating three squares a day was going to make anything easier and he’d much rather have drowned his guilt in a beer, but it was way too early in the morning for that and he’d seen enough devastation caused by alcohol abuse to submit to those feelings.
Instead he poured a glass of orange juice and cracked open some eggs. He had plenty of time before he had to be at the station and he actually enjoyed the task at hand. It kept his mind off of other things. When everything was complete, he set his plate on the table and went to retrieve his newspaper. He actually felt relaxed for the first time in twenty-four hours and he laughed when he read the cartoon page.
But his face fell as he located the metro section and realized that someone on the crime beat had picked up his story. It didn’t mention either him or Chris directly but rather focused on the crime wave that was picking up in the area using the same MO as was used on Johnny. Well, it would certainly be interesting to see what the guys at the station would think about this. Chet was surely to have something to say and Johnny didn’t know if Roy had told any of them or if he would tell any of them. He’d find out soon enough. Anger welled up inside him at the thought and he threw the paper down on the table.
His appetite now diminished completely, he scraped the contents left on his plate into the trash and headed off to shower and dress for work.
Arriving at the station, Johnny was surprised to see that he had beaten Roy to work for once. Hoping that everything was indeed okay at the DeSoto house and berating himself for not checking back in on Chris last night, Johnny shoved into the locker room and barreled into Chet.
“Sorry, Chet,” he mumbled an apology as he reached out a hand to steady the other man.
Feeling that the apology wasn’t sincere, Chet hollered back at him, “Jeez, Gage, watch where you’re going.”
“I said I was sorry,” Johnny retorted angrily.
“Yeah, well that doesn’t make it all right to just going running roughshod over everything just cause you’re sorry afterwards,” Chet came back at him.
“Easy there, fellas,” Mike said jumping in the middle and trying to calm things down. He didn’t know exactly why Chet reacted so strongly or why Johnny got so angry but it was best to nip it in the bud before it got out of control. Mike looked at Chet, “you done in here,” he asked.
Chet nodded.
“Well, how about you go check to see if C shift has any coffee going,” Mike suggested. He kind of thought they were going to need it today.
Chet began to protest but Marco cut him off with a look. “Chet, I could really use a cup of coffee,” he told him and for some reason Chet responded to this. He muttered under his breath as he slammed his locker door before walking out.
After the Irishman had gone, Mike turned to Johnny. “You okay, John,” he asked quietly.
Johnny nodded. “Sorry guys,” he apologized. “I’m just a little on edge today, that’s all,” he said by way of explanation.
Both Mike and Marco nodded their understanding. They were used to mood swings by this member of their paramedic team and both knew that the bad moods never usually lasted very long. It just wasn’t a good combination to have Chet and Johnny at it on the same day.
Mike passed Roy coming in on his way out of the locker room. “Hey Roy, how’s it going,” he said as way of greeting on his way past.
Roy responded an automatic acknowledgment to his coworker but stopped short when he saw Johnny sitting on the bench.
Johnny looked up at his friend but Roy turned quickly away and sat down on the bench next to him. Roy opened the locker and began the task of changing into his uniform. Marco, for his part, realized that all was not right with his two friends and felt the need to give them some privacy. He made quick work of storing his belongings and making his exit.
The tension in the room was thick and Johnny felt the need for another glass of water as his throat went dry again. What could he possibly say to his friend to make up for what he’d done to his child? There were no words. And if Roy couldn’t trust him, then they had no basis for a partnership.
Johnny shoved his jeans into the locker and pulled on his blue uniform pants. He spoke so softly that Roy almost didn’t hear that he had spoken. “If you don’t want to work with me anymore, I’ll understand.”
Roy buttoned his shirt. “It wasn’t your fault. What happened, I mean, it wasn’t your fault.”
Johnny pondered this thought for a few moments before he spoke again. “Not the robbery part,” he acknowledged finally.
But he left unspoken the part about Chris and Roy knew what he was referring to. He just still didn’t know how he felt about it. He and Joanne had discussed it at length and he knew that Johnny had acted in exactly the manner in which he should have but Roy couldn’t help but feel that perhaps he could have done something different. That perhaps Johnny shouldn’t have turned his back on his son.
He’d tried many times to put himself in Johnny’s shoes but it just couldn’t be done. He knew that no matter what he thought he’d do and what he really would do in that situation could be two different things, but he couldn’t imagine not choosing to fight for his son.
Joanne felt that Johnny had done the right thing. After all, didn’t they have their son home safe and sound. She said that they had no way of knowing what Johnny had been going through but she knew that he was torn up enough about it and that no matter what Roy thought, he couldn’t let Johnny believe he’d done anything wrong. She knew he was already piling on more guilt than he could handle and she didn’t want Roy adding to it.
“Not any of it,” Roy finally said. Joanne was right, no matter what he felt he might have done, Johnny had brought their son home to him. And for that, he would be forever grateful.
Immediately after roll call, Captain Hank Stanley called Johnny into his office. It was no surprise to John that his captain already knew about the robbery. He didn’t know how he knew; he just wasn’t surprised that he knew. Hank had a way of finding things out when his men were involved. Roy may have told him or Vince could have but either way the man knew and wanted John to know that if he needed to talk, Hank would be willing to listen.
Johnny wasn’t ready to talk about it but he figured that the guys would hear about it eventually and there was no sense in having them hear about it from someone else. He just didn’t want to step on Roy’s toes because Chris was involved so he’d approached him first, but if Roy had any objections, he didn’t voice them.
The other members of Station 51’s A-shift were shocked to hear what had happened to Johnny and Chris after they’d left the Dodger game the other night and they all expressed their relief that both of them were okay. Johnny didn’t go into any details other than how they had been robbed when they’d stopped to change the flat tire cause by the nail board. He didn’t tell them about Chris and how he’d let him down. They didn’t need to know all the details.
It was not lost on Johnny, however, that Roy appeared to have a somewhat skeptical look on his face as he’d relived the tale. And when he was finishing the story, the phone began to ring. Chet jumped out of his seat as soon as he heard it calling out, “I’ve got it.”
Disappointed that it wasn’t for him, he motioned to Johnny, “Gage, phone. I think its Linda.”
Johnny grimaced. “Man, I tried breaking it off with her last week,” he whispered. “She just won’t get the hint,” he said as he stood. “Guess it’s too late to say I’m not here, huh,” he said to Chet as he stood.
“Why? You wanna run away from this confrontation, too,” Roy remarked as Johnny took the phone from Chet.
Johnny’s head swiveled around searching out his partner but Roy had picked up the paper and begun to read. Maybe I misinterpreted what he said, Johnny thought. Looking around, it didn’t appear that anyone else had taken Roy’s remarks in another context. Deciding that he’d heard his friend incorrectly, he raised the phone to his ear.
“Hey Linda,” he said into the receiver but his eyes remained locked on Roy. What the hell had he meant by that comment, Johnny wondered?
Roy sat pretending to read the paper but silently berated himself for making such a juvenile comment to someone who was supposed to be his friend. He knew Johnny was watching him but he was angry and he tried to tell himself that he didn’t care. He was angry over what had happened to his son and angry over what could have happened to his son. He was angry that John Gage hadn’t protected him like Roy would have and he was angry that he even felt this way to begin with.
Part 4
Joanne DeSoto watched her children climb down off the school bus and she smiled to herself. It was such a mundane thing but it brought joy to her face. It was something that a couple of days ago she had taken for granted. Well, never again. Her son’s life had been threatened and could very possibly have been taken away and she knew that something as trivial as seeing his smile when he saw her as he got off the bus was a gift to be treasured.
She now knew what Roy meant when he said that he’d never complain about the things on his honey-do list. She didn’t fully understand the feeling then but she did now. Roy had been in the service and he’d done a stint in Vietnam and when he came home to her he said he’d never again complain about her honey-do list. And it was because he was thankful that he was around to do them.
Jennifer came charging up to her holding out a drawing. “Look what I did today,” she called out as she approached and Joanne held out her hands to take the picture.
“Jenny, it’s beautiful,” she exclaimed. “You did a wonderful job.”
The little girl beamed and Joanne marveled at her innocence. She looked past her daughter to her son who was slowly making his way up the sidewalk. He was of an age when running to see your mother wasn’t very hip but she could tell he was glad to be home.
The day after the robbery, she and Roy had kept Chris home from school. She’d called her doctor not because there was anything wrong with him physically but because she was worried about the psychological effects. He’d gone over pretty much the same things that were written on the paper that Johnny had given them.
And although he’d talked with them about it, it was obviously that it made him uncomfortable and the doctor had suggested giving him a couple of days saying that he’d bring it up when he was ready to talk. Well it had been a couple of days and he seemed to be doing fine but she was worried about the fact that he wouldn’t talk about it.
“Can I go over to Missy’s house,” Jennifer asked bringing Joanne out of her thoughts.
Joanne glanced across the street to see Missy standing on the other side.
“Did her mother say it was okay?”
The little girl nodded, her pony tail bobbing.
“All right then. I want you home at five o’clock to wash up for dinner, though, okay?”
Jennifer ran to the edge of the street. “Look both ways,” Joanne called out as she followed behind and did the same.
Once Jennifer deemed the street clear, she crossed the street and Joanne watched the two girls until the disappeared into Missy’s house. If she’d learned one thing this past week, it was that you can’t be too careful.
Joanne turned back to Chris and smiled. “Feel like having some cookies and milk. The cookies are still warm,” she tempted and was rewarded with Chris’ shake of the head.
Chris was never one to turn down chocolate chip cookies, especially warm ones.
“So, how was school today,” she asked as the two made their way inside.
“All right, I guess,” he said nonchalantly.
“Just all right, hmm,” she repeated and tousled his hair.
Once inside, she poured him a glass of milk and set a plate of cookies on the table while he stowed his book bag in his room and washed his hands.
When he returned he didn’t waste any time in attacking the plate of cookies. “I must not have given you enough to eat in your lunch today,” Joanne kidded him.
Chris took a sip of the milk. “How come Uncle Johnny didn’t come over last night,” he asked looking at his mother for an answer.
Joanne paused as she was drying the cookie tray she was holding. “I guess we didn’t think about it, kiddo.”
Chris pointed to the calendar that was hanging on the wall by the phone. It was marked: Johnny – dinner on Thursday night. That was last night. She hadn’t even thought about it.
“I guess with everything going on this week, it slipped our minds,” she said by way of explanation.
The boy pondered this information as he picked up another cookie. He took a bite and began chewing. “I thought you might be mad at him,” he said around the cookie still in his mouth. It reminded Joanne so much of Johnny.
Joanne threw the towel on the counter and came over and sat next to Chris. “We’re not mad at Uncle Johnny. Why would you think that?”
“’Cuz of what happened,” he answered looking directly at Joanne.
Joanne lifted her arm and ran her hand through Chris’ hair. “That wasn’t Uncle Johnny’s fault,” she told him. “You do understand that, don’t you?”
Chris thought about it before nodding his head. “Is Dad mad at him?”
Joanne sat back at looked at him. “No, why should he be, Honey?”
Chris shrugged his shoulders. “I dunno. ‘Cuz he hasn’t talked about him all week.”
Joanne thought on that for a second. Roy normally did bring Johnny’s name into the conversation at dinner when he was home and usually had a funny tale or two to tell but now that Chris mentioned it, Joanne realized that he was right. Roy hadn’t mentioned Johnny’s name all week. And he was supposed to have come over for dinner last night but she’d totally forgotten about it.
Chris interrupted her thoughts. “I didn’t know if I’m supposed to be mad at him or not.”
Joanne was shocked. “No, Chris, of course not,” she assured him but then asked hesitantly, “you aren’t, are you?”
Chris shook his head negatively.
Joanne wanted to ask more questions now that Chris was opening up but she knew she had to careful because he could shut back down again.
“Are you still scared, Chris,” she asked.
“No. Do you think Uncle Johnny’s still scared,” he countered and Joanne hadn’t thought about that.
She mulled this question over in her mind for a while before answering. “I think that if Uncle Johnny is afraid of anything, it’s that he let you down.” She felt that Chris was old enough to know the truth and though she’d only spoken to him a few times since the robbery, she knew that he was very concerned about how Chris was doing.
And Chris nodded as if he understood completely but he didn’t say anything so Joanne felt the need to elaborate. “Sometimes it’s hard to know if you’re making the right decisions. Sometimes your head tells you to do one thing but your heart tells you to do another. I think that’s what Uncle Johnny is afraid of. That he made the wrong choice and let you down.”
Chris thought on this for a bit. “He didn’t,” he finally said. He picked up his glass and took another drink of milk.
“He didn’t what,” Joanne asked. She wanted to know everything that was going on in her son’s head and the only way to do that was to keep asking questions.
“He didn’t let me down. He did what that man said to do but he didn’t wanna. I could tell.” Chris started to grab another cookie but then put it back down. “I’m kind of full now. Can I go watch cartoons?”
Although she would have rather kept talking, she didn’t want to push him. Joanne nodded glad to have gained some knowledge about how Chris was feeling. For being ten years old, he seemed to have a pretty good grasp on what had happened and appeared to be dealing with it extremely well. But it bothered her that she and Roy were giving off the impression that Johnny had done something wrong. That wasn’t how she felt at all and she needed to make sure that it wasn’t how Roy felt either. She resolved to talk to him first thing in the morning when he got off shift.
Part 5
Johnny had been avoiding Roy as best he could all shift. After the comment made on Tuesday about Johnny avoiding confrontations, which Johnny brushed off, there had been more and they continued into this shift as well.
They weren’t anything much different than the barbs that Roy usually tossed his way but given everything that had happened, Johnny was taking them differently. And what’s more, he knew that Roy was doing it intentionally.
Roy and Johnny were as different as night and day both in personality and appearance but for some reason when they’d first met something clicked and they’d become fast friends. They watched out for each and supported each other even if it was one of Johnny’s hair brained ideas. This support included some good-natured teasing, insults and the occasional zinger. Normally it was designed to bring Johnny back down to earth when he went on his little tangents and it might have stuck some people as heartless but how else was he supposed to do it. It was something that Johnny responded to and he took it in stride.
But lately those zingers had become downright spiteful and hurtful and Johnny didn’t know what had brought them on. Roy had said himself that he didn’t blame Johnny for anything that happened but did he? Had he just been saying that?
Johnny for his part had yet to begin to forgive himself for what he’d done and so he didn’t blame Roy for the things he said but it didn’t stop them from hurting either. He didn’t really know what he could have done differently. To do anything different would have been putting Chris in jeopardy. After all a gun was being held to his head. Thinking back on it, Johnny couldn’t say exactly what made him realize that he had to do what he was told in order to keep Chris safe. Yeah, the police say that’s what you’re supposed to do but there was something else. Something that Johnny couldn’t quite put his finger on.
He’d been having nightmares all week. The same feeling of helplessness, guilt and frustration all remained and all served to keep him on edge and angry. It wasn’t a problem at home. He had only himself to deal with but here at the station it was different and so he tried to stay away from not only Roy but everyone else as well. If they were in the kitchen, he’d be in the dorm or outside where he was now.
He had grabbed a folding chair from the closet and brought it out front. It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining and a light breeze was blowing. The station had been quiet all morning and though the paramedics had gone on a few runs, they’d hadn’t had anything major. He and Roy were professionals and as such they still performed expertly in the field but the camaraderie that they shared on their downtime was suffering.
“Mind if I join you?”
Johnny looked up to find his captain putting out another chair.
“No, Cap, not at all,” he said automatically.
Captain Stanley sat down in the chair he’d just set out and surveyed the landscape. “Beautiful day,” he commented and Johnny nodded his agreement.
Both men sat in companionable silence for a while before the captain spoke again. “My door’s always open, John.”
Johnny turned his head to side and glanced at his captain. The man wasn’t just his boss. He was more than that. They all were.
“I know, Cap, and I appreciate it. Really I do,” he assured. “It’s just…It’s just.” Johnny shook his head. “Hell, I don’t know what it is.”
Captain Stanley sympathized with his paramedic. “People go through all different kinds of emotions when their lives are threatened, John. What you’re going through is normal,” he told him.
Johnny shook his head. “No, this is different. My life wasn’t in danger, Chris’ was. Shit, if it had just been me,” he trailed off not finishing the thought.
“Whether you think so or not, your life was in just as much danger as Chris was,” Hank said looking at Johnny. “Just because the gun wasn’t aimed at you doesn’t mean you weren’t in danger. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”
Johnny remained silent but Hank saw a slight nod of his head and gave him some time to think.
When Hank was just about to think Johnny had shut down on the subject, he heard him speak. It was so low that Hank almost didn’t hear him.
“You don’t know the whole story, Cap.”
“Yes, I do, John.”
Johnny’s head whipped up to look at his captain. “You see yourself as weak because you didn’t fight back, right?”
Johnny nodded unable to speak.
“You think you’re some awful person because you chose to give Chris Desoto a chance at life?”
Johnny looked at him confused. “What…”
Hank held up his hand. “What do you think would have happened if, for example, you lunged at the guy,” he asked.
A pained look came over Johnny’s face. “He would have pulled the trigger,” he choked out. “I was afraid if the wind blew, he’d pull that damn trigger,” he admitted.
Captain Stanley let out the breath he was holding. “Then why do you think that what you did was wrong?”
“I abandoned Roy’s kid. I turned my back and left him with that guy. A guy who was holding a gun to his head,” John said so softly that again Hank had to strain to hear him.
“Would you have felt any better if you hadn’t and he pulled the trigger?”
Johnny’s face went white. “God, no, how can you think that?”
“I don’t think it, John and neither do you. It was an impossible situation and that’s why you feel so helpless now. Neither decision that you were faced with was one that you’d find acceptable. Am I right?”
Hank laid a hand on Johnny’s shoulder when he leaned forward in the chair.
“You can’t beat yourself up over choosing a chance at life over the risk of death. If you do that, you’ll never make Captain, John. I have to make those decisions every time we go into a fire. Putting the obvious risks of the job aside, we’re in the business of saving lives. So do you think it’s easy for me to have to send you guys into a burning building? Do you think it’s easy to order an evac when I know that we still have men inside that might not be able to get out? But sometimes we have to make decisions and we have to choose life. That’s what you did. And it’s because you care so much, because you realize this that I know that you’ll make a great captain one day.”
Hank patted Johnny’s shoulder in that way that men do that says everything will be all right and then he stood, closed up his chair and went back inside leaving Johnny to think about what he’d said.
“Thanks, Cap,” Johnny called over his shoulder when he was finally able to speak but the older man was already gone.
It made a lot of sense now that Johnny had time to let it digest. Johnny admired Hank Stanley very much but he felt a renewed sense of respect for the man. He just wished that Roy could see things the way their captain did. Johnny felt much better than he had all week and he hoped that in time Roy would be able to forgive him.
The day remained calm and the engine had been called out on a trash fire leaving the two paramedics alone in the station. Johnny had begun to join the men instead of avoiding them as he had been but now it was just him and Roy and he felt awkward being in the same room as Roy.
Roy was getting a glass out of the cupboard when he saw Johnny enter the dayroom. After pulling out his glass, his hand automatically reached for another for his partner but he stopped himself and shut the cabinet.
Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Johnny had gone over to sit on the sofa. He had the grabbed the newspaper and appeared to be reading. Good, Roy thought, at least now I won’t have to make the pretense of conversation. He filled his glass with milk and leaned against the counter while he drank it. Neither man spoke to the other. Neither man even looked at the other.
Roy knew he was wrong but he couldn’t stop himself. He knew Joanne would be pissed at him for it, too. Just as she was gonna be pissed when she found out that he had uninvited Johnny for dinner last night. He still remembered the phone call yesterday.
“Hey, Roy, it’s John. Um, how’s Chris doing,” Johnny had asked when he called.
“He’s fine for someone who’s had a gun held to his head,” Roy replied flatly. He cursed himself as soon as the words left his mouth.
“Oh.” There was along pause on Johnny’s end. “Yeah, well, I was worried about him.”
“Well, you don’t need to. He’s fine and Joanne and I intend to make sure he stays that way.” After he’d said it, he wondered himself what the hell it was supposed to mean.
“Yeah. I know you will. Um, I, uh, um, Jo said something about dinner and I had it marked on my calendar for tonight. So, I didn’t know…”
“Yeah, uh, I don’t think so. It’s too soon.” Too soon for who, he thought. For Chris or for him?
“Oh. Yeah. You’re probably right. Well, tell Chris I called and …,”
“I will. I’ll, uh, see you tomorrow,” Roy replied as he hung up the phone.
Thinking back on the conversation, he knew he’d been a real shit to Johnny but he felt like he couldn’t control himself. He was angry and he needed to strike out against someone and Johnny was the only one available. If he were honest with himself, he wasn’t really angry at Johnny. He was angry at the bastard that had pulled a gun and held it to his kid’s head. That’s who he was angry at.
He heard the radio come to life. It was Captain Stanley notifying headquarters that they were available and returning to the station.
He looked at Johnny still immersed in the newspaper and he felt the need to reach out to him but instead he finished off the rest of his milk and left the room chiding himself for being such a jerk as he did so.
There was going to come a time, he knew, when he would need Johnny and his friend probably wouldn’t be around anymore because Roy had treated him like dirt. He knew Johnny was torn up, in agony really, over what had happened. He knew that Johnny loved his kids as if he were their real uncle. And he knew there would come a time when his anger would fade and he feared it would be too late. But that time wasn’t now and Roy couldn’t force himself to let it be that time because every time he looked at Johnny all he saw was his back walking away from his kid.
