DDAANNGGEERROOUUSS  DDEECCEEPPTTIIOONNSS 

Part 5

Johnny was flying again, this time down the side of a snowy mountain. It was almost like he was skiing, but there were no skis on his feet, and he was going incredibly fast, nearly straight down. Powdery snow blew by him, their tiny droplets sticking like morning dew on his face. It was exhilarating, and breathtakingly beautiful. But it was also cold. So cold.

He neared the bottom, then suddenly swooped upward in a weightless arc, lifting off the mountain toward the sky. He was relieved to be back up in the clouds again. The world below him was a blanket of white. He soared way above the clouds now, and the world shrank. White feathers of clouds and dazzling blue oceans floated by below him. He was having such a wonderful and amazing ride, he never wanted it to stop.

Time seemed to come to a halt then, and through a fog, he heard someone calling him. He began to spin downward, falling through the clouds. He was insanely dizzy. All at once, the whiteness of the clouds and the snow and the blue ocean disappeared into blackness. “Nooo,” he moaned, wanting to go back.

Roy rappelled down the face of the cliff. It took him slightly longer to get there than it had taken Johnny. Gingerly, he climbed his way over to the rock where his partner lay, and was just barely able to perch on the edge of it. He yelled at the men above to give him a little slack, then he turned his attention to Johnny.

Johnny looked dead. From the half Roy could see, his face was pale and his lips were blue. Johnny’s arm lay tangled in an unnatural position, and the back half of his body was covered in bruises, cuts, and scrapes, his back displaying one long area where the skin had been scraped raw. His entire left leg was covered in blood, and his feet were grossly swollen and full of jagged cuts and debris. Dust and dirt lingered in John’s hair and covered most of his body, the color of his tattered and torn blue sweatpants undecipherable. The thing lying before Roy almost didn’t look human. Fearing the worse, Roy reached over to check for a carotid.

It was faint, but there. Roy closed his eyes and let out a breath of relief. He looked up to the anxious men above him. He pulled out his HT. “He’s alive!” he called, and heard faint cheers from above. “I’m gonna need another man down here, a stokes, C-collar, and bandages.”

“You got it, Roy,” Cap answered, almost in disbelief that Johnny had survived this. Only Gage, he thought. “Marco, go on down and help Roy.”

“Okay, Cap.”

Roy touched Johnny’s shoulder. It was alarmingly cold. “Johnny? Can you hear me?”

Gage wasn’t responsive.

Roy tried again, this time squeezing his friend’s shoulder a bit. “Johnny? It’s Roy, can you hear me?”

Johnny’s body flinched slightly, and a barely audible moan escaped his lips.

Roy leaned in closer to Johnny’s face. “Johnny, wake up. Open your eyes and look at me.”

“Nnnnoo,” he moaned. “Lea me ‘lone,” his voice slurred. He didn’t like this. He wanted his wonderful fantasy back. This world hurt too much.

“Johnny…” Roy licked his lips and blew out an anxious breath. “I’m gonna get you out of here. It’s gonna be okay.” He glanced down at Gage’s leg again, and all the blood around it, wondering and worrying over exactly what kind of injury he’d suffered.

Marco was now heading down beside him.

Johnny jerked one of his arms restlessly. “G-go ‘wway…I wanna…f-f-fly.” His words were stuttered from the cold. Johnny opened his eyes briefly and blinked a couple of times before closing them again. “Wh-where’d th-the s-s-snow go?”

Marco looked curiously at Roy.

“He’s delirious. Probably hypothermic.”

Johnny was shaking, his teeth chattering. His face and body glistened with a sheen of icy sweat. His fingers clawed uselessly at the dusty rock and he blinked again slowly.

The stokes was on the way down now. Marco caught it and guided it in next to Johnny. Meanwhile, Roy put the C-collar around Johnny’s neck, then he and Marco very carefully turned Johnny over. There wasn’t room for a backboard. As he was turned, Gage’s eyes popped open, and his face froze into a stunned expression as waves of pain hit him from the movement.

Gage unconsciously held his breath until it subsided a bit, then closed his eyes, letting his breath escape in a gasp.

Roy’s worried stare darted to Johnny’s face, and he prayed he hadn’t just done anything to exacerbate a possible spinal injury. But Roy had carefully checked Johnny’s spine, and miraculously, there didn’t seem to be any injury there, but he had no way of knowing for sure until Johnny was x-rayed. His eyes strayed up the face of the cliff, and he shook his head in wonder at how far Johnny had fallen, and how ‘lucky’ he’d been not to have fallen all the way to the bottom.

Next, Roy immobilized Johnny’s arm, securing it against his body. Johnny was now mumbling unintelligibly.

“Okay, Marco, we’re gonna have to get him into the stokes. Try to keep his spine and neck straight. Okay, Johnny, nice and easy, we’re just gonna get lift you a little bit here...”

Very carefully, they scooped him off the rock and awkwardly maneuvered him into the stokes. Johnny cried out at the slight twisting and repositioning of his body. The movement had sharpened his consciousness, and he was panting. His eyes cracked open, taking in his surroundings. He had no idea where he was or what was going on. They were in a canyon somewhere. Roy and Marco were there. Were they on a rescue? Had he fallen and gotten hurt? “R-r-r-roy,” he slurred, looking for answers.

“Take it easy, Johnny. It’s gonna be okay.”                  

He blinked rapidly. “’M c-c-c-cold. S-s-s-snow’s so c-c-c-cold.” He was really hurting, all over. The shivering made it worse.

Marco was already unfolding the yellow insulation blanket and fitting it around Gage.

“I know. We’re gonna get you out of here. Then we’ll get you warmed up.”

Now that Johnny was turned over, Roy took an extra moment to lift the blanket from his leg, and cut away his sweat pants to see what was causing the bleeding. Gently lifting the bloody material away, he saw the grisly knife wound. Roy’s jaw clenched; he was not fully prepared for this sight; he’d been expecting the injury to have been caused by the fall. The memory of the bloody shirt they’d found in the woods popped into his mind, and he swallowed, trying to imagine how Gage had run all that way...

“Madre de Dios,” Marco whispered, sickened at the sight. The wound had begun to ooze blood again now that Johnny had been moved. The area was red and swollen; dirt was caked all around it, and it looked like infection was beginning to set in.  Roy felt a little nauseous himself, and began bandaging it as best he could.

Johnny was moaning, in horrible pain now. “God...it....I...I can’t...ahhh...”

Roy and Marco exchanged worried looks, then radioed that they were ready to go up. Marco and Roy tightened the straps around Johnny and prepared to have him lifted. The white puffy clouds that had moved in earlier had turned into dark ominous storm clouds now, seemingly matching the mood. The wind had also picked up considerably, making it treacherous out on the side of the cliff.

Slowly they transported Johnny up the side of the canyon wall with the help of all the men above. Roy and Marco guided it along the way. The wind blew at them mercilessly and they struggled to keep their balance and prevent the stokes from slamming into the side of the cliff. Finally they made it to the top; all the equipment was waiting for Roy. Chet had already contacted Rampart and apprised them of the situation.

Roy picked up the biophone as Cap knelt down next to Johnny.

“Rampart, this is rescue 51. We have extricated the victim.”

“What’s his condition 51?”

Roy ran a weary hand over his furrowed brow as he ran down the list. His technique wasn’t as formal as it usually was, given the circumstances and his level of stress, but Dr. Brackett didn’t notice. “Doc, Johnny has sustained a fall over a cliff of about sixty feet. He’s got numerous cuts and abrasions over his body. He has several contusions on the head, one particularly large one in the back of the skull. There is a penetrating…stab wound to the left thigh, resulting in considerable blood loss. Bleeding is under control at this time however. Wound looks to be infected. His right shoulder appears to be dislocated with substantial trauma to the area. He is cyanotic and diaphoretic; also somewhat delirious. He is also suffering from hypothermia and is in considerable pain. Stand by for vitals.”

“10-4, 51.”

Roy started to get Johnny’s vitals. As he was doing so, Johnny started to flail his arm out, his glazed eyes looking about. “Katthhee,” he slurred.

Cap caught his arm and took his hand. “Just take it easy, pal.”

“Kathy...where’s...” his voice trailed off.

Roy looked up at Cap as he heard Johnny.       

“John, settle down. Let’s worry about you right now, okay?”    

“She...she...went...I sent her....oh God....he...where…” His teeth chattered as he stumbled over the words.

Cap chose not to respond to his questions. “Chet, get me that blanket over there.” Chet did as was told and Captain Stanley started to unfold it and wrap it around Johnny over top of the other blanket.

“Rampart, vitals are...BP 85 over 55, pulse 110, respirations 35.”

“51, start IV with Ringers Lactate; immobilize the spine and shoulder area. Start warming measures and transport immediately.”

“10-4 Rampart,” Roy responded professionally. His nerves were a frazzled mess as he started the IV. He was so relieved Johnny had been found alive, but the sight of Kathy dead lying in the driveway ate at him. He thought of the road his friend had ahead of him with sadness. Who’s going to tell him about Kathy? And when? How is he going to get over this?

Roy knew Johnny was a strong person, but he could only take so much. He had already suffered such great loss in his life. Will he be able to cope? Or will he just break down? Roy knew how he would feel if Joanne were brutally murdered. He knew he would be devastated and wondered if he would even want to go on living without her. One thing Roy knew for sure was that he would be there with Johnny every step of the way to help him get through this.

They were ready; the ambulance was waiting back at the house. Roy tucked the IV bag in under Johnny’s undamaged shoulder and together with Cap, Marco and Chet, lifted the stokes and carried it back through the woods. The wind whipped about them, shadowing them with a foreboding feeling. Dark cumulus clouds above ominously threatened to dump their contents on them as they trudged along, dragging their feet through the decomposed leaves. No one uttered a word as they strode on.

Johnny stayed quiet during the trip through the woods, occasionally opening his eyes and looking around, trying to make some sense of the situation. He watched as they made their way out of the woods and across his yard. He recognized his house and disjointedly wondered why they were here.

The ambulance was at the end of the driveway waiting. They passed the Rover, its door still open, but the body gone. Only a dark stain on the ground provided evidence of the brutality that had occurred there. Johnny gazed lazily at the scene, noticing the yellow ‘keep out’ fire tape stretched everywhere.

They got to the ambulance and placed the stokes on the gurney, lifting it up. After they had Johnny loaded into the ambulance, Roy climbed in after him, and it was Captain Stanley who slammed the doors shut behind them. The ambulance backed out of the driveway, and the sirens came on.

Then, in one moment of sickening coherency, Johnny understood the terrible reality: Kathy didn’t make it.

Like a dam breaking, a mournful cry tore from his throat as despair overwhelmed him. Tears started leaking from his eyes, rolling down his cheeks. He didn’t want to cry in front of Roy. He didn’t want to cry in front of anyone. He never had. But he couldn’t stop it, and couldn’t even turn his head away to hide it because of the C-collar.

Roy stared at Johnny, frozen. He knew. He knew what happened. Nobody was going to have to tell Johnny about Kathy, because he knew. Roy swallowed hard, a lump forming in his throat. He didn’t know how to console his friend. He had seen Johnny display almost every emotion imaginable; he had never exactly been one to try to hide his feelings – at least not the ones on the outward surface. But he had never seen him cry, and he was ashamed that he felt uncomfortable. It killed him to see his friend in such anguish. He felt so helpless that there was nothing he could do to change things.

“Johnny....”

“I...I promised her...I  promised her...I wouldn’t let anything...happen to her....” More tears spilled out as he stared up at the ceiling of the ambulance.        

Roy reached under the blanket and found Johnny’s hand. He clutched it tightly with his own. “Johnny...it’s okay...it’s gonna be okay...” Why am I telling him that? It’s not gonna be okay…           

Johnny’s face went slack. “I don’t wanna live...without her...”

Roy was ready to lose it himself now. Not knowing what else to do, he merely squeezed Johnny’s hand, knowing there was absolutely nothing he could say.

Then, as quickly as Johnny’s outbreak had started, it ended. With a deep sigh, his eyes closed, the tears ending. One last fat drop squeezed from the corner of his eye, streaking another trail across his face where dirt had been. Roy was amazed at how his face suddenly relaxed, becoming a mask of calm, almost as if asleep. Roy knew better. Johnny was anything but calm; he’d simply forced himself under control.

Roy continued to hold his hand, being a friend for the time being instead of a paramedic, until Dr. Brackett’s voice broke through the siren’s wailing asking for an update on Johnny’s vitals.

Suddenly the sky let loose, and the rain descended upon them, beating like a drum against the metal ambulance as they drove through the rain-slicked streets.

Johnny drifted in and out in the ambulance, his thoughts of Kathy temporarily receding far into the hidden depths of his mind, as the pain and hypothermia got the best of him. He welcomed these moments when he was floating away, seeking refuge in the comfort of incoherency as it wrapped around him like a blanket. Disjointedly he knew Roy was holding his hand again, and was even aware of the fact that Roy had placed his other hand on top of his head from time to time, the thumb of that hand lightly caressing his forehead. Normally Johnny wouldn’t be caught dead holding hands with Roy or any man, but somehow right now Johnny didn’t mind it a bit. Those small quiet gestures were more of a comfort than Roy knew, and Johnny clung to them as if he were drowning and they were a life preserver.

Gage felt himself being jostled around as they arrived at the hospital and the gurney was pulled from the ambulance, its legs extended to the ground. Through closed eyelids he perceived the darkening and brightening of the fluorescent lights going by as he was wheeled under them down the hall. He shut out the voices he heard until they resembled strange insects.

Then suddenly everything stopped and he felt hands on him, lifting him, which turned all the dull pains into sharp ones, and he gasped. Opening his eyes slightly, there was a blur of white as doctors and nurses milled about him, and he felt the blankets being pulled off and his clothes cut away, leaving him cold and naked. He shivered. At that moment an odd thought crept into his consciousness, and he wondered just how many of the doctors and nurses at Rampart had seen him naked; probably just about everyone at one time or another.

            Then he felt someone touching him, there, and he knew what was next – the dreaded catheter. He hated that worse than just about anything else; it was uncomfortable going in, and even though he knew it was a necessary medical procedure, it was still unsettling to be touched and prodded on the most intimate part of his body. The first time he had experienced it was when he had been so ill with that dreadful monkey virus, and Dixie had done it then. He had wondered later if she had remembered what he looked like, and was embarrassed to make eye contact with her for a while after that. Later, he blew it off, rationalizing that he had nothing to be embarrassed about. After all, it was something Dixie saw every day. He was glad that he had been blessed (he thought) with being fairly well endowed – not that he really tried to compare himself with other men, but he must be, he reasoned, for he never seemed to have any trouble pleasing the women he had been with.

            Those thoughts dissolved as more hands poked and prodded him; a thumb coaxed his eyelids open as a bright light was shined into his pupils, producing a stabbing pain in his head. He felt the tightness of the BP cuff as it inflated around his arm, the cold stethoscope on his chest, and someone stuck a thermometer into his mouth. More hands were on his wrist, fingers squeezing, checking his pulse. He flinched in pain as his feet were examined, and jerked as the bandage was unwrapped from his thigh. Someone was saying his name, but all he was able to utter back was an unintelligible “uhnnng”.

He heard other clips of conversation, mostly parts of sentences,

“...another IV...”

“...CBC and blood gasses...”

“...spinal and skull series...”

“...dislocated....damage to....”

“....looks bad....antibiotics....”

“....temps up to 101....”

Hands rolled him slightly then he felt the sharp sting of a needle as it plunged into his hip, delivering more medication. He was even more miserable now, and he was freezing again, his chin trembling as his teeth chattered.

“Johnny....” the voice faded and he didn’t hear the question.

Then finally, blankets covered him. Warm, heavenly blankets, but he felt hot and cold at the same time. And then the hand was back, resting on top of his. He faded away again.

Roy plodded wearily toward the doctors lounge, where he knew the rest of his crew was waiting to hear news about Johnny. By now the whole hospital had heard about Kathy Taylor’s passing. Most nurses wore somber faces as the shock from hearing of her grisly death sunk in. Many had cried upon hearing the news; Kathy had been well-liked, even though she was relatively new at Rampart. As gossip traveled, they also learned of John Gage’s involvement with her, and of his misfortune. No one knew the circumstances at this point, but most were stunned to learn about their relationship with each other, since neither had given it away, and Gage wasn’t exactly well known for settling down with anyone. No one was quite sure how they had kept it a secret, and in whispered tones speculated on the extent of their involvement.

Everyone jumped up when Roy entered the lounge.

“How is he?” asked Cap.

Roy pulled out a chair at the table and sank heavily into it. “Well, he’s hanging in for now. I guess they’ll know more after the x-rays. They’re doing those right now. I know they’re also concerned about infection in his leg; he’s running a fever. He’s not really very aware of anything right now.”

“Boy,” Cap studied his clasped together hands, then looked up at Roy. “Who’s going to tell him about Kathy?”

“He already knows,” Roy said glumly.

“He does? How?”

“I’m not really sure, but he figured it out. I think he saw the homicide scene.”

“How’d he take it?” Marco asked.

Roy grimaced. “How would you take it if you found out your fiancée had been murdered?”

 “Fiancée!” All the guys looked stunned.

 “Gage was engaged?” Chet asked incredulously.

Then Roy realized he’d let the cat out of the bag. “Yeah. He…he just gave her the ring. But I don’t think he wanted anyone to know.”

Everyone was silent for a moment.

Chet got up and paced around the room, gesturing angrily. “It’s just not fair. After all this time, Gage finally finds the right chick, and then this happens. What did he ever do to deserve this?”

The rest of the guys were rather surprised at Chet’s outburst, even though deep down they knew that Chet and Johnny were good friends and held affection for each other. It just wasn’t something they ever verbalized.

“I don’t know, Chet. No one deserves what John’s been through these last few months,” Roy answered.

All eyes focused on the door as Vince Howard entered. “Hi guys. Just thought you’d like to know we found the guy that did this.” Vince took out a pad of paper and glanced at it. “A Jim Peters. We found him at the bottom of the canyon his neck was broken.”

“Good,” Chet voiced what no one else would say.

“How’s Gage?”
            “He’s hanging in there,” Roy answered.

“Well, you give him my best, okay?” Vince said turning to leave.

“We will. Thanks for everything, Vince.”

Vince almost bumped into Dr. Bracket as he headed out.

The guys all gathered around the doctor as he entered, Roy being the first. “How’s Johnny?” he asked anxiously.

“Well, I guess I should say your partner’s a very lucky guy considering how far he fell, although I’m not sure he would agree with me right now.” His mouth twitched characteristically. “We’ve got him sedated and we’re working on cleaning up that knife wound, which is infected. He’s rapidly developing a fever, which is a concern. When he was brought in his temperature was only 94 degrees; now it’s up to 101. We’ve started him on antibiotics and hopefully those will help. His feet are a mess too. Once we get all the splinters and debris out, we’ll get them cleaned up and bandaged. He’s got one broken toe. I imagine those two areas will be pretty sore for a while. He does have a concussion, although it’s not too severe. Our other major area of concern is his arm. His shoulder is dislocated, again; Dr. Stevenson is working on replacing the bone back into the socket. But he’s suffered torn ligaments and a lot of other damage to this area. Dr. Stevenson believes he needs surgery to repair the damage, and after looking at the x-rays, I concur.”

“Surgery?” Roy groaned.

“Unfortunately, yes.”

“When will that happen?” Roy asked.

“Well, the sooner the better, but we’re concerned about the rising fever and infection. We don’t want to put him under until we get that under control. It may be as early as tomorrow, but right now we’re not sure.”

“So there’s nothing life threatening?” Chet asked hopefully.

“I don’t think so, Chet. We’re watching him closely. We do have to be extra careful with the infection; after he lost his spleen a couple years ago his immune system has been compromised. He’s not able to fight off infection as easily as he might have been before. There’s always a danger of pneumonia, especially after the hypothermia, but right now his lungs sound pretty clear. And that’s about it for now. Any other questions, gentlemen?”

“Can I see him?” Roy inquired.

Dr. Brackett shrugged. “Sure. But he’s pretty sedated right now. I doubt he’ll know you’re there.”

Roy nodded. “Thanks, Doc,” he looked at Cap.

“Go ahead, Roy. I’ll stand the squad down until you get back. Gage’s replacement should already be there by now. Keep us posted, okay?”

“I’ll do that, and thanks Cap.”

When Roy reentered the ER he saw a couple of nurses working on Johnny. One was bandaging one of Johnny’s feet, preparing to work on the other one. Another was giving him a sponge bath. Bandages were wrapped around Johnny’s arm securing it to his body. The C-collar was gone and the dirt had been cleaned away from his face and upper body. The nurse cleaning Johnny up was starting to wash his hair when Roy quietly walked up and stood next to him.

Johnny looked pretty out of it; his face was relaxed, his lips slightly parted. Roy stared down at him a moment, then anger boiled up inside of him as he noticed two hand-shaped bruises around Johnny’s neck. Somehow he had missed that before. My God, the guy must have tried to strangle him. Then he saw another odd thing he hadn’t noticed before. Johnny had a set of bruises running vertically down his body starting at his forehead and on down past his nose and chin to his chest. The nurse noticed his puzzled look.

“Strange, isn’t it?” she asked. “I don’t know what that is. It almost looks like he ran into a pole or something.”

Or a tree, maybe. Jeez.

Roy touched John’s other shoulder. “Johnny?”

He saw his eyes moving slightly under his closed lids. A moment later he heard a soft “Uhnnnn,” but that was all.

“Johnny, it’s Roy. I hope you can hear me. I’ve got to go, but I’ll be back later to check on you, okay, partner? You take it easy.”

He got no answer.

Roy sighed, and reluctantly turned to leave.

Roy stopped in briefly to see Johnny two other times that day when he and Charlie Dwyer got runs that required a trip to Rampart. John had been moved to a room, and both times he seemed unaware that Roy was there. Roy had wanted to stay by Johnny’s side the entire day, but unfortunately Captain Stanley had been unsuccessful finding a second replacement for Roy.

The next morning Roy trudged home intent on getting a short nap, then planned to stop back at Rampart. Joanne had been devastated at the news of what happened. She had cried and cried upon hearing of Kathy’s death; not only for the loss of such a young and promising life, and a friend, but also for the terrible loss that Johnny would feel and have to come to terms with. She broke down again when Roy told her about the ring he had seen on Kathy’s finger.

After Roy had a morning nap and a shower, Joanne fixed him lunch, and then he headed out the door for the hospital. He saw Dixie on the way in. She still looked shell shocked, and had dark circles under her eyes. Kathy had been one of Dixie best and favorite nurses. Everyone was having a hard time dealing with the brutal way she died, especially Dixie. Kathy had suffered multiple knife wounds to her chest and abdomen.

Dixie tiredly told Roy that they were getting ready to take Johnny to surgery, and that if he hurried, he might be able to catch him. Upon hearing this, he ran to the elevator and took it to the fourth floor.

He found Johnny laying on a surgical gurney next to his hospital bed. The attendants were just covering him up when Roy entered. They looked up at him and Roy asked them if they could give him a few minutes. The attendants nodded, leaving the room momentarily.

Johnny opened his eyes; they were a little glazed and his lids were droopy, but he looked better than the day before. Apparently, the antibiotics were working to kill the infection and thus lower his temperature. He looked lazily over at Roy.

Roy walked up to him and patted his good arm. “Hi, partner.”

“Hey, Roy,” he sounded a little drunk.

“I guess they’re getting ready to take you to surgery.”

“Yep; guess I’ll have ‘nuther scar to add to my c’lection.”

“How’re you feeling?”

“Oh, not bad. They got good drugs here. They been treatin’ me like royalty, Roy. The nurses are great, …‘cept...they’re missing the best one.” His face was devoid of any emotion as he stared blankly up at the ceiling.

Roy’s head fell and his shoulders drooped a bit. He squeezed Johnny’s shoulder. “Johnny...I...I’m so sorry about Kathy.”

“Not nearly as sorry as I am, Roy,” he slurred.

“Johnny...you’re not going to have to face this alone. I’m gonna be there to help you...I promise. All the guys will. You just concentrate on getting better.”

“Sure, Roy,” he said dully.

Having waited as long as they could, the attendants reentered and started to wheel Johnny out of the room on the gurney. Roy walked along side it.

“Hey, Roy...guess what?”

“What, Johnny?”

He smiled just a ghost of a crooked smile and said, “She said ‘yes’.”

Roy stood there a second, speechless, as Johnny was wheeled through the door and it swung shut.

Roy left the hospital after that, deciding he needed some air. He knew the surgery could take awhile and that Johnny would be in recovery a while after that. He needed to get away, needed to see Joanne, knowing that she would offer him comfort and ease his fears about Johnny. He had this sick feeling in the pit of his stomach as he contemplated why it was that life was being especially cruel to his best friend. He felt an urgency to get away from the hospital, to think about how he was going to help Johnny get through this.

John’s lack of emotion earlier in the hospital room had scared Roy, and he worried that this might well be the last straw for his partner. He was scared that this time, his partner just might not make it back – might not want to. Before he left though, he made Dixie promise to call him the minute Johnny was out of surgery and let him know if everything went okay.

They talked a moment before he left and Dixie told him that Kathy’s funeral was to be in three days. Her body had been flown back to Michigan, to her family. Dixie stated remorsefully that there was no possible way Johnny would be able to go, and Roy wondered how they would stop him. It would turn out later that they needn’t have worried; Johnny took the news quietly and expressed no desire to be there.

Later that evening, Dixie called Roy, and told him that Johnny was out of surgery and that everything went fine. Roy told Dixie he would be by shortly, and she tried to talk Roy into staying home, but Roy wouldn’t hear of it.

“Roy, he’s feeling pretty lousy right now. I don’t think he’s up to any visitors.” Then she explained that they had tried a different anesthesia this time since he got so sick the last time, and that the new anesthesia had made him even sicker than before. “I guess his body just doesn’t tolerate it very well,” she said.

Roy arrived half an hour later, feeling that Johnny should have someone with him right after surgery, and since he had no family, he should be there.

Roy heard the retching before he even made it to Johnny’s room. As Roy rushed into the room, he could see Johnny had propped himself up on his good arm and was hunched over, his back to Roy, vomiting into the emesis basin, which he was barely holding onto. A moment later, Johnny felt a steadying hand on his good shoulder supporting him as he gagged. When it seemed as though he was finished, strong hands whisked the basin away and then steadied his shoulders as he collapsed shaking onto the bed.

Johnny looked up blearily, his eyes red. Roy. He should have known. Part of him was glad Roy was there, and another part wasn’t. John didn’t really want anyone to see him like this, it was embarrassing to be seen so vulnerable. But he really did need someone right now. He felt alone, and sick, and he was hurting, and it was comforting to have someone with him who cared.

Roy handed him a tissue, then disappeared for a second to empty the basin. Then he was back by his side. Roy picked up the pitcher of water and poured a cup. Holding it to Johnny’s lips he said, “Here, rinse your mouth out with this,” and put his other hand behind Johnny’s neck to pull him forward a bit. Johnny took a small sip and swished it in his mouth, then spit it out in the emesis basin. He reached up to take the cup again, as he wanted another sip. His throat was so dry.

“Not too much, “ Roy warned. Johnny swallowed a small amount. “Thanks,” he said gratefully, and settled his head back on the pillow.

“How’s the arm?” Roy asked gently.

“Hurts quite a bit,” he said softly.

“When was the last time you had something for pain?”

“’m not sure.”

“You want something now? I”ll go find the nurse for you.”

“Yeah,” he breathed out. Yes, he wanted something for pain, but not just the physical pain. He wanted something that would put him to sleep for a long time, maybe forever. He wanted to be put out of his misery, to not feel anything at all.

Roy looked at him for a moment, his heart going out to him. Johnny lay with his eyes shut, his shoulder wrapped in bandages, his arm secured against his body. Roy thought he looked more miserable than he had ever seen him. “I’ll be right back, okay?” He turned to leave, but as he made it to the door he heard Johnny groan.

“Uhnnn.....oh no.....God....” He was choking, his body crumpled in half again at the middle as he lay hunched over. Then he was sick again, Roy supporting him once again as he dry heaved. Roy reached over and pushed the call button. When Johnny was done, Roy repeated the same procedure as he had before with the tissue and the water while they waited for the nurse.

“Is there anything more I can do right now, Johnny? Can I get you anything?”

“Yeah. Get me a gun.”

Roy groaned and didn’t say anything.

“Well, you asked,” Johnny closed his eyes and settled back again. He heard the nurse come in and Roy was talking quietly to her. Then she left and was back again a moment later with two syringes. She walked up to Johnny and talked loudly to him, as if he couldn’t hear.

“Mr. Gage, I have something that should help your upset stomach. And I’m going to give you your pain medication again, okay?”

‘kay.”

She administered the medication, then left. Five minutes later Johnny’s eyelids were drooping. He hadn’t gotten sick again.

“That help your stomach any?” Roy asked sympathetically.

Johnny pried his eyes open. “I think,” he said groggily. “You don’t have to stay, Roy.”

“You...want me to go?”

“I don’t care.”

“Well, I’ll stay awhile.” And he did. He sat by Johnny’s side until the medication pulled him under. Roy looked at his watch. It was eight o’clock. He knew Johnny would sleep awhile, and visiting hours were over. He got up to leave. Roy had never really thought of himself as a particularly religious man, but the words came to him all the same. Looking up, he whispered, “God, please help him,” and walked out.  

Roy was working the next day and didn’t get a chance to see Johnny. His shift had been crazy, with one call after another. It was four o’clock already when Roy got his first chance to stop and talk to Dixie about Johnny.

“He’s much better today, Roy. His stomach settled down and he’s able to keep liquids down.”

“How’s he doing otherwise?”

Dixie knew what he meant. She shrugged. “Well, he certainly has been the model patient, so far. He hasn’t complained about anything, he’s doing what the doctors say, not chasing my nurses, and he’s been very quiet over all – not at all himself,” she said with chagrin.

Roy sighed. “Did you know he and Kathy were engaged?”
            Dixie’s eyes widened. “I had no idea it was that serious,” she almost whispered. Her eyes misted over. “Poor Johnny. Of all my nurses he’s dated, they made the nicest couple. I would have loved to see them get married. It’s just so unfair. That monster – ” The lump in her throat prevented her from finishing her sentence. Everyone knew by now what had happened with Kathy’s ex, and how he had murdered her.

“Yeah. Did...did Johnny say anything about it today?”

“No. I stopped up to see him a while ago and tried to talk to him, but he just clammed up. I don’t think he’s ready to talk about it. He did....ask me to send some flowers to the funeral home tomorrow for him though, since he couldn’t be there. Said he would pay me back.”

Roy stared somberly at Dixie. “Any idea how long he’ll be here?”

“Kel thinks at least three more days. Then of course, he’ll need to come back for physical therapy. And Roy...Kel thinks Johnny would benefit from some psychological therapy as well, after everything he’s been through.”

Roy nodded, “Yeah, I know.  But him needing it and him agreeing to it are two different things.” Roy’s HT crackling to life brought their conversation to an end. “Well, gotta go. I’ll try to stop back later. Uh, Dix – ”

“Don’t worry. We’ll take good care of him. I’ll stop back up there again in awhile to check on him.”

“Thanks, Dix.” And Roy was off with a wave.

Johnny had awoken that morning feeling a lot better physically than he had the day before. The nausea was down to a tolerable level, and he wasn’t in too much pain if he didn’t move. But the moment he had opened his eyes that morning, the reality of his life came rushing back into his consciousness, crushing him like an elephant sitting on his chest.       

He had been glad Roy hadn’t shown up yet; he didn’t want any visitors. He wanted to be alone. A couple of the guys from 10’s had shown up that morning, both expressing sympathy and get well wishes. He knew their intentions were heartfelt, but he couldn’t stand the look of pity in their eyes. Their pity only served to be a constant reminder of the tremendous loss he was feeling, that he didn’t want to feel. He hadn’t felt this way since his parents died. And it was awful, debilitating, and this time he had his guilt to add to the recipe. He felt responsible for what had happened.

How could he have been so stupid? He should have found a safer place for her, not his home. He should have known how resourceful this guy was – after all he tracked him down once and beat him up at the QuikStop. And how could he have given her his car keys and told her to go get help? He knew she couldn’t drive his car very well. It was his stupidity that got her killed. He was glad he wasn’t going to the funeral. How could he face her family knowing that his lack of judgment had cost her her life? He’s the one who should have died, not her. He went over the scene again and again in his mind trying with no avail to figure out what he should have done differently. Worst of all, he had promised her he would keep her safe, and he had failed. Now he would have her death on his conscience for the rest of his life. He didn’t know how he was going to live with it. Some rescue man I am, he thought.

He knew what he was going to have to do to function, and it would be hard. He’d done it before. But he knew he couldn’t keep thinking about it or it would eat him alive. The only way to keep himself from totally losing it was to put it out of his mind. He couldn’t think about it any more, couldn’t handle the sick way he felt inside when he did. He knew from experience that if he pretended long enough not to feel anything, eventually he wouldn’t. And so, he put on his game face.

The following day, Chet and Marco came by to see Johnny after they got off shift. They were leaving and walking toward the elevator when it opened and Roy and Joanne stepped off.

“Hey, Roy, Joanne. You guys here to visit Johnny?”

“Yeah, we are. Did you see him?”
            “Yeah, we just left,” Chet answered.

“Boy, he sure looked a lot better than when we saw him the other day,” Marco commented.

“Oh really?” asked Roy. “How did he seem to you guys?”

They both shrugged. “I don’t know, a little down maybe. But pretty much like himself. He was even joking around with us.”

“He was?” Roy and Joanne were surprised.

“Sure. Nothing keeps Johnny down for long, you know that, Roy. Ah, he did just get some pain medication though.”

“Great.” Roy smiled. “He’ll probably fall asleep on us.”

“Not if you hurry,” said Marco. They stepped into the elevator. “See you guys later.”

“See you.”

Roy and Joanne headed down to Johnny’s room. They stopped and looked at each other as they entered. Johnny did look better. He was sitting up more in bed and was watching TV, a soap opera. This was the first time Joanne had seen him and she walked over to him smiling.

“Hi, Johnny,” she leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. “How are you feeling today?”

Johnny’s eyelids looked a little heavy but he smiled softly at her. “Hey, Jo, hey, Roy. I’m fine. How are you?”   

“Well, we’re fine. We just hope you get better soon.”

“Oh, I’m on the road to recovery. You know me.”

“Yes, we do. You know, Johnny, we’ve got to quit meeting you this way,” she said smiling, trying to keep the mood light.

“Yeah, well, I just love it here so much they can’t keep me away.”

Joanne held her smile a moment longer, then it faded. She touched his arm. “Johnny, I’m so sorry about Kathy. It’s just horrible, what happened,” her eyes teared up a little. “I’m just so sorry….about everything you’ve had to go through.”
            Johnny groaned inwardly and looked away. Oh, God, here we go again. Another pity party for poor Johnny. Well, poor Johnny doesn’t deserve your pity. What he really deserves to be is dead. I’m so sick of this misplaced sympathy. He felt like screaming, but instead graciously said, “I’m okay, Jo.”

“Johnny, if there’s anything Roy and I can do – anything – you let us know okay? You call us day or night, all right?”

“That’s right, Johnny,” Roy added. “Don’t ever hesitate.”

“I won’t. Thanks, guys; that’s nice of you.” The medication was making him drowsier now, and so his response sounded almost programmed or insincere. But Johnny didn’t care; he liked the numbness of emotions he experienced whenever they gave it to him. It almost gave him a false high.

Joanne went on, “Johnny, Roy and I have been talking, and we want you to come stay with us again after you leave the hospital. You’re going to need some help, what with your feet bandaged and all. You won’t be able to get around – ”

Johnny had been anticipating this so he was ready with his response as he interrupted, “Jo, Roy, thanks, I really appreciate your offer, but I’ll be fine at home.”

Roy started to protest when Johnny interrupted again.

“My neighbor, Bob, built a wheelchair ramp for me so I can get around. And, I get these bandages off my feet tomorrow, so it won’t be long before I can walk.”

“But what about your arm? How are you going to push a wheel chair?”

“Jo, I’m strong enough to push a wheelchair with one arm. I’m a fireman, remember?”

She smiled. “Yes, I remember, but don’t you think it would be best – ”

“No, really,” he stressed the word ‘really’. “I’ll be fine. I…I just wanna be…at home.” The word ‘alone’ wasn’t spoken, but they heard it loud and clear, nevertheless.

Roy and Joanne looked at each other, realizing it was a losing battle, and not wanting to push Johnny too much.

“Well, okay, if that’s what you want. But remember,” Roy reminded him, “call us if you need anything.”

“I will,” his eyelids grew heavier and they closed momentarily.

“Did Dr. Brackett tell you when you could go home?” Roy asked.

Johnny was floating now. He wished he could feel this way forever. Slowly, he opened his eyes to answer Roy’s question. “Um…day after tomorrow, I think.”  

“Good. I have that day off. How about I pick you up?

Sure, Roy; that’ll be fine.” His eyes had closed again and they knew he wasn’t going to last any longer.

Joanne poked Roy to signal him they should leave. He leaned over Johnny. “We’re gong to get going so you can rest, okay?”

“Mm hmm.”

Slowly they turned to leave as Johnny floated away.

 Two days later, Roy pulled into Johnny’s driveway with Johnny in tow. The Rover remained in its place forlornly, its door now closed, and all the yellow tape had been removed. New wood framing adorned John’s front door, as someone had done repair work to that and the glass in the door.

Johnny took a deep breath as he looked around, shuddering as he remembered the horror that had happened here about a week ago. As Roy got out to retrieve the wheel chair, Johnny glanced over at the Rover and his eyes fell to the ground below it. That’s where she died… he thought, and was almost overcome with grief. Turning his head abruptly away, he forced himself to put it out of his mind, and by the time Roy had the chair unfolded, his face was emotionless.

Roy wheeled him up to the front door and unlocked it for him, then wheeled him inside. He glanced down at Johnny, a little worried about his state of mind. Johnny didn’t seem to have any reaction to being back at home, back at a place which held such horrifying memories from just a few days past.  Even though Roy had known Johnny would refuse psychological treatment, he still wished that Johnny would speak to someone about what he was feeling, no matter who it was. But now it occurred to Roy that while, over the years he’d known him, Johnny normally had no trouble keeping his surface emotions hidden, he wasn’t the type to reveal his innermost feelings to anyone. The whole time Johnny had been in the hospital, he had been withdrawn and rather despondent, except for some occasional weak attempts at being upbeat. Roy worried about leaving Johnny alone here at home, but Johnny had insisted that he would be okay.

 Johnny glanced around him home; everything was in place. He saw the record album Kathy had left lying on the stereo. His stomach tightened as memories crashed back in to him.

He realized something wasn’t right. It was too quiet. Then he figured it out. “Hey, Roy? Where’s Luke? I hope someone fed him while I was away. Is he at Bob’s?”

Roy froze. Oh my God – his dog! I forgot to tell him! Roy looked at Johnny, grief evident in his eyes.

Then, Johnny knew. He could tell by the look on Roy’s face. A look of anguish came over his face. His voice broke as he spoke. “He…he killed my dog?”

Roy squatted down next to him in his wheelchair, wiping his hand over his face. “Johnny, I am so sorry. I forgot to tell you. There was so much going on and you were so sick; it just never seemed like the right time to tell you in the hospital.”

Johnny stared out into the space about four feet in front of him and shook his head slightly. “He was just…an innocent animal…” He took a ragged breath and closed his eyes, dropping his head to his chest. The one thing that right now could have offered him some comfort was gone too, stolen away by a murderous maniac. It was almost more than he could handle, and he had to work very hard not to break down again.

Roy squeezed his good shoulder; again wondering what he could say. He could think of no words. “I’m sorry, Johnny.”

Johnny was so sick of hearing everyone say they were sorry. He wanted to get up and scream; he wanted to throw things, break every damn thing he could get his hands on. God, my dog. My poor Luke. Luke had been a black and white border collie that Johnny had rescued from the pound right after he bought his house. He had had a dog like him when he was a child, and when he saw him behind the bars at the shelter, he knew he had to have that dog. He was such a great and loyal friend, and so gentle.  Now I’ve got two deaths on my conscience. “Where is he?” he finally asked quietly.

“I…I took him to your vet. She said she would keep him there until you decide what to do.”

“Thanks…for taking care of it, Roy.” Johnny wheeled himself away from Roy and turned toward the window. He looked out. Dark storm clouds were rolling in, but it was unseasonably warm. He opened the window and a soft breeze rolled in. He took a breath. He really needed to be alone now. “Roy, thanks for bringing me home. Do you mind…I’d kinda like to be alone…”

“Sure, Johnny. Uh, Joanne made a few casseroles for you. They’re in your freezer. And the guys from the station chipped in and stocked you up on groceries.”

Johnny was touched. He had such great friends. He knew he should feel lucky, but he didn’t. “Thanks, Pally. And tell the guys how much I appreciate everything.”

“I will.” He started for the door. “You’re sure you – ”
            “I’m fine.”

“Okay, then. I’ll call you later.” Reluctantly Roy turned to leave.

“See ya.”

Roy was such a mother hen sometimes, Johnny thought. He didn’t need to be. Johnny had been looking out for himself for a long time. He’d weathered storms just as bad as this one, and knew he could do it again if he had to. With a shaky sigh he wondered to himself just how many of these storms he was going to have to weather in his life.

Johnny wheeled himself to the back door and opened it, guiding his wheelchair over the threshold. Most of the bandages were off his feet, but they were still pretty sore, so he tried to stay off them as much as possible, except to get in and out of the chair. He had a cane and a crutch that he could use on his good side until he could put all his weight on his feet. His arm was still bandaged and taped to his side, and his leg was still very sore. It had taken sixty-four stitches to close the wound where the knife had ripped it open. He would be starting physical therapy soon.

He looked out over his property, at the trees, the barn, the fields, his yard. Bob had the horses out grazing, and Johnny wanted to go to them so badly, but knew he wouldn’t be able to make it there.

His mind turned back to that night, that terrible night, and as he looked out, he remembered; his running, his terror, Kathy’s face as she realized Jim was after her again, her climbing out the window, then the last time they kissed. He couldn’t have imagined that he would never see her again. How could a night that had been so wonderful have turned out so horrible? A drop of rain splattered down, hitting his face. He looked up at the big puffy black clouds and asked the heavens, “Why?”

Several days went by and Johnny’s neighbors’ wife, Amy, showed up to take him to physical therapy. They had made arrangements for her to take Johnny most days, then either Roy or Joanne would take him on the days she couldn’t. It made the most sense since Bob and Amy lived so close. They were glad to help Johnny out. They never minded because Johnny had helped them with so many things around their own house. It seemed he was always over there helping Bob build something or fix something. So, they helped each other, trading services, so to speak.

Roy called faithfully every day, and Johnny assured him he was fine, and subtly hinted to him that he didn’t want visitors just yet.

A week had gone by and Roy’s concern for Johnny was growing. For the most part he sounded okay on the phone, but there was something...amiss, and Roy couldn’t quite nail down what it was. There was something in Gage’s voice, or something missing in his voice maybe, a subtle monotone or dullness that just didn’t seem quite right. Roy decided he needed to see for himself if Johnny was okay, so he decided to pay him an uninvited visit. After dinner one evening he invited himself over on the pretense that Jo had made a pie that afternoon, and wanted Roy to bring him some for dessert.

About seven-thirty that evening Roy found himself at Johnny’s doorstep knocking. It was a cool night and breezy; the air smelled of rain. Thick clouds moved overhead.

There was no answer. After three more tries with no response, Roy tried the knob. It was open, so he walked in.

“Johnny?” he called. Walking through his house, he saw no sign of him. Where the hell is he? He called out again to no avail.

Roy walked through the house to the back door and looked out. There was Johnny, out back, lying in his hammock. Roy went out through the patio door, past the deck and on down to where Johnny lay in the hammock tied between two trees, his eyes closed. On the ground below the hammock was a bottle of Jack Daniels, which had tipped over, its contents soaking up in the ground. Roy grimaced and shook his head.

 “Johnny,” he called softly.

Johnny didn’t stir. His uninjured arm dangled limply over the edge of the hammock, while the other was still trussed firmly against his side. Roy reached down and pulled on the hammock, making it swing slightly. Johnny’s hand flailed out and his eyes shot open.

Roy jumped a bit at his reaction. “Um, sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.”

Johnny blinked slowly until his eyes focused on Roy. “What’re you doin here?” he slurred. Johnny was obviously drunk.

“Well, Joanne made a pie...I just...came over to bring you some.”

“Oh, thaz nice of her.”

Roy bent down and picked up the bottle of booze. “How much of this did you drink?”

Johnny’s eyes lazily moved down to the bottle Roy was holding. He got a puzzled look on his face, his eyebrows knitted together. “Huh. Luz like I drank it all. I guess it wazalot.

“The bottle tipped over and spilled, Johnny. Hopefully you didn’t drink it all.”

Johnny shrugged. Then Roy noticed a bulge in Johnny’s shirt pocket. He could see a pack of cigarettes peeking out of it. His eyes widened. “Are those...cigarettes in your pocket?”

Johnny looked down, touching the box. “Yeah; ya want one?” Clumsily he pulled out a pack of Lucky Strikes, then tapped the pack on his watch, coaxing one out.

Oh, boy. This is worse than I thought.

“No, thanks,” Roy said as Johnny fumbled with a lighter, stuck the cigarette in his mouth and lit it. “Since when did you smoke?”

“Roy,” he drawled, inhaling, “I started smokin’ when I was thirteen.” He blew the smoke out of his nose.

“I’ve never seen you.”

“Well,” he thought about this a second, “I quit, when I joined the department. Figured I’d be eatin’ enough smoke as it was.”

“Those things will kill you, you know.”

Johnny snorted and looked up at his friend with a smirk. “Ya know what, Roy? I really don care.” He blew another puff of smoke out into the air. After a thoughtful moment, he said, “You sound juz like my aunt.”

“Your aunt?”

“Yeah. She used to always rag on me about smokin’. Said the same thing as you, over and over and over.” He rolled his eyes.
            “Well, she was right.” Roy didn’t quite know where to lead the conversation from here. He knew he had to be careful. “How is your aunt, Johnny?”

“My aunt? Oh, she’s the same. I saw her Christmas. Still thinks I’m David.”

Roy just discovered another thing he didn’t know about Johnny. He thought a moment and put two and two together to come to his conclusion. It sounded as though Johnny’s aunt might have some dementia. Maybe she thought that Johnny was his dead brother, David. “You saw her on Christmas? I thought you worked.”

“Only ‘till noon.”

“Oh. Well, what did you do the rest of the day?”

“Nothin’.”

Yeah, right. Probably the same thing you’re doing right now. Roy sighed. It had started drizzling lightly since he’d come outside, and their clothes were starting to get saturated, especially Johnny’s, since he had been outside longer. Mists of raindrops were stuck to his eyelashes. One ran down his face as he blinked, giving the appearance that he was crying.

“Johnny, it’s starting to rain. Let’s go inside, okay?”

“No! I like it out here.” He shifted in the hammock, sitting up more. “I love this hammock, Roy.” He paused a moment then said, “Did you know the firz time Kathy and I made love was right here in this hammock?” He patted the hammock once for each word, a small, rather shy smile on his face. He looked away dreamily.

Roy closed his eyes. His heart was breaking.

“Ah, Roy. She was so....” His voice trailed off. “I think that was the bez day of my life.” He took one last drag of his cigarette and flicked it out into the yard as he blew out the smoke.

Roy smiled sadly. He knew Johnny had to be pretty intoxicated to have just revealed such personal information to him. In all the time they had known each other, Roy knew that Johnny enjoyed his share of female companionship, but Johnny had never talked about the outcome of his dates. At least not the personal parts. Other than an occasional twinkling of his eyes or an extra bounce to his step, Johnny never indicated whether he had gotten “lucky” with a woman before.

A smile came across Johnny’s face and he chuckled a little.

“What’s so funny?” Roy asked him.

“Well, when we were done...we were laying here....and it started rainin’....juz like it is now.” He gestured outward. “But we’d forgotten to put the horses away after our ride; they were out in the rain, see. Then it started really pourin’ – it was lightnin’ and thundren’ you know...and so we ran out to get the horses put away.” He was smiling wider now, remembering. “You shoulda seen us, buck naked, runnin’ around after the horses in the mud. It was hilarious.” His smile lasted only a moment longer, then faded. “But now...I can’t believe I’ll....never see her again.” His deep brown eyes were pools of sadness, the lines of grief pulling at his features. Roy thought he’d aged years in just these last few weeks.

He decided he had to get Johnny out of the rain. They were both soaked now.   “C’mon, Johnny. We’re going in.” He reached out and took Johnny by the elbow, and pulled him off the hammock. He almost fell. With shaky uneven steps, Roy led him to the house, limping.

Roy helped Johnny to his bedroom. He looked like he was ready to pass out as he plunked down on the bed; his head drooped to his chest. Unzipping his jeans, he tried one-handedly to pull the soggy pants off, finally achieving his goal after much difficulty and then dropping them to the floor. He tried to strip off his shirt, but it got tangled over his head. It was hard enough getting undressed with his sore shoulder, but being intoxicated made it ten times worse. Roy helped him off with it.

“Hey, Johnny, I think we should change this dressing on your leg. It’s pretty wet.”

“Whatever.”

Roy went into Johnny’s bathroom and found the bandages. Johnny was sitting on his bed in his underwear waiting for Roy.

“Okay, lets get this changed,” he said starting to pull off the bandage.”

“Hey, Roy?”

“Yes?”
            “Do you think...there’s a God?”

Roy looked up at him from changing the bandage, surprised. “I don’t know, Johnny. I’d like to think there’s something else out there, a power greater than ourselves. It seems like there has to be, at least I hope so. You know I’m not that religious.” He paused. “What do you think?” Roy pondered where Johnny’s question had come from. It wasn’t something they had ever talked about with each other, and he was very surprised Johnny had brought it up. It was just another aspect of Johnny that Roy knew nothing about, he was sorry to admit.

“I don’t know, but I’m beginnin’ to think there isn’t. And if there is, what kind of God would wanna take away…every person I’ve ever cared about?” Johnny lay back on the bed, sprawled out, staring up at the ceiling.

Roy sighed again. He looked away, tears coming to his eyes, concentrating on finishing the bandage so he wouldn’t lose it in front of Johnny. He wished he had an answer. Before he could say anything, Johnny said sleepily,

“Except you, Roy. You know, you’re the best friend I’ve ever had, you know that?”

Roy’s throat swelled up. “Yeah. The feeling is mutual, Johnny.”

Johnny’s eyes were closed now; he was fading.

“Roy?”
            “Yeah?”
            “Be careful at work, will ya?”

“Yeah.”

“Promise?”
            Roy swallowed past the lump in his throat. “I promise.” When he looked back down, Johnny was out. Roy silently pulled the covers up over him and turned out the light. “Good-night, John,” he said softly.

Roy walked out into Johnny’s living room, his heart heavy. He decided it would be wise to spend the night, and so he called Joanne. His heart filled with love as he realized he had the most loving and understanding wife in the world. He wished with all his heart the same thing for his friend in the other room. He’d almost had it, only to have it dangled in front of him and then yanked away.

Joanne was just as concerned for Johnny as Roy was, and after he told her how he had found Johnny, she insisted he stay to make sure he was all right, even though it meant she would spend the evening alone after the kids were in bed.

Roy looked around for something to change into. He knew nothing of Johnny’s would fit him, but he wanted to get out of his wet clothes. So he scrounged around and found a pair of sweatpants with a drawstring waistband and pulled those on, along with one of Johnny’s t-shirts. Then he settled on the couch to watch a little TV. He had checked the refrigerator and found nothing substantial to eat, and the one casserole that remained was frozen.  He vowed to pick up some groceries the next day. He was just glad that now that Johnny had a house, he also had a guest bedroom with a real bed. He wouldn’t have to sleep in that damn convertible chair.

He was watching the late show and was ready to doze off when he heard noises coming from the bathroom. Tentatively he rose from the sofa and walked down the hall toward Johnny’s bedroom. He saw that Johnny wasn’t in bed and the light was on in the bathroom. A moment later he heard the unmistakable sound of someone puking. He debated whether to go in, so he waited five minutes, and when Johnny didn’t come out, he knocked on the door. The only answer he got was miserable sounding moan.

Opening the door, he saw Johnny sitting on the floor in front of the commode with his arms draped over the seat and his head resting on his arms. Suddenly his stomach lurched again, and the rest of what was in his stomach came out. With another moan, he sank back down. As Roy had done when he was in the hospital, he fetched Johnny some water to rinse with, and wiped his face with a cool wet towel. Helping him up, he put Gage’s good arm around his neck and dragged him back to bed. He was out cold in less than one minute.

“Good-night, Johnny – again.”

Johnny awoke the next morning when the light from the window stretched across his bed and hit his face. His head was pounding and his mouth felt like a desert. An urgent need forced him out of bed and he stumbled to the bathroom. After he was through, he looked in the mirror at his haggard face. His eyes had dark circles under them and were bloodshot, and he had two days growth of hair on his face. Don’t you look attractive this morning. He then splashed some warm water on his face to get rid of the cobwebs, and padded back out of the bathroom. Oh, God, why did I do that to myself?

Strangely, he thought he smelled coffee, but thought he must be hallucinating. He discovered he wasn’t as he made his way into the kitchen, only to find Roy in front of a frying pan full of eggs.

Roy looked up cheerfully. He had already been out to the grocery. “Good morning. How are you feeling this morning?”
            “What are you doing here?” Johnny asked, not so amicably.

“I was here last night. Remember?”

An embarrassed grimace came over Johnny’s face as he recalled Roy’s visit. “Yeah, I remember. So how come you’re still here?”
            “I decided to stay; thought you could use some breakfast.”

Roy had finished frying the eggs and put them on a plate, then set a breakfast of bacon, eggs and coffee in front of Johnny. Roy pointed to the two aspirin on the table. “Take those, they’re your appetizer.”

Johnny looked at the aspirin and, putting them in his mouth, swallowed them down with a gulp of juice.

“Thanks.” Johnny wiped his hand across his face, rubbing at his eyes. He stared at the table as he spoke. “Uh...sorry about last night. Guess I was...having a weak moment.”

“Or maybe just a human one.”

“Whatever.” He took a mouthful of eggs. “I made a fool out of myself,” he mumbled, remembering his drunkenness and their conversation.

“No you didn’t, “ Roy was thoughtful. “You know, maybe that was what you needed.”

“To get drunk?”

“No,” Roy rolled his eyes, “to talk about it.”

“Talk about what?”

“You. And Kathy, and what happened.”

Johnny put the fork down. “Roy, there’s nothing to talk about. Kathy’s dead. Life goes on.” He took a sip of coffee.

“Johnny, you can’t just keep ignoring your feelings and pretending nothing happened. It’s not healthy.”

“What – are you my psychiatrist now?”

“No, but I am your best friend. I know you’re going through a rough time.”

“How would you know what I’m going through?” Roy doesn’t have a clue. All he knows is his perfect wife and his perfect family. He picked up the fork again and shoveled another pile of eggs into his mouth.

“Johnny, it doesn’t take a brain surgeon to see what this is doing to you. Look, you just lost someone you were very close to, someone you were going to marry, for God’s sake– ”

Johnny dropped the fork onto his plate, his appetite lost. “Someone who wouldn’t be dead right now if it weren’t for my stupidity.”

Roy looked at him incredulously. “You’re not blaming yourself for this – ”

“Roy, I don’t expect you to understand, so let’s just drop it, okay?”
            “Johnny, there is no way you are responsible for any of this. How could you think – ”

“Roy, let it go!” Johnny was getting angry.

“No, Johnny, you’re wrong – ”

Johnny slammed his fist down. “I don’t want to talk about it any more!” he yelled.

Roy stood for a moment and let out his breath. “I’m just trying to help, Johnny.”

Johnny glared at him. “If you wanna help, then leave me the hell alone!”
            Roy glared back at him. “Okay, Johnny. Fine. I’m leaving.”

“Good.” Johnny watched him as he grabbed his coat and left, slamming the door. He sighed in despair and laid his head down on his arms on the table.

The next day had almost completely passed before Roy finally broke down and called Johnny to apologize. He had berated himself ever since he had angrily left Johnny’s house the previous day, chastising himself for getting Johnny upset. He began to think that maybe his way of coping wasn’t necessarily the best way for Johnny. Everyone deals with things in their own way, and Johnny has certainly had enough experience dealing with loss in his life. He always seems to be able to get back on his feet again without too much trouble.

Roy tried to put himself in Johnny’s place. How would I be able to handle this any better? How does someone deal with not only a lengthy recovery from a serious injury, with ongoing pain, but also the loss of the greatest love of his life? Not to mention the fact that twice in the last six months someone had tried and almost succeeded at murdering him? That would be enough to break most men.

It was then that Roy realized how tough Johnny was. But then maybe that toughness was only on the exterior, a front in order to keep everything else hidden away below the surface. What if some day it would all just explode and drive him over the edge – what would happen then? He thought he knew Johnny well enough to predict that that wouldn’t happen, but lately he was finding out that he really didn’t know Johnny as well as he thought, that he was a person of many layers, and Johnny was only willing to reveal the top few, keeping the deepest layers carefully hidden. More and more lately, Roy was realizing Johnny’s real personality wasn’t the clownish goofy facade he often portrayed, but used that to cover a much deeper more serious and emotional side of himself. It was almost like he used it as his camouflage. Maybe that was just how he managed to keep it together. So, Roy had called and then decided he should give Johnny the space he seemed to desire.

The days crawled by incredibly slowly for Johnny. He’d told Roy that an apology wasn’t necessary when he’d called, but was rather standoffish on the phone. He didn’t mean to be, it was as if he just couldn’t help himself. The only emotion he seemed capable of feeling was anger, and more and more lately it seemed his anger was unfairly aimed at Roy and his other friends, whom he knew only meant well. His friends gave up stopping by and calling because of Johnny’s cold personality. Hell, I should be the one apologizing to them, he thought.

Otherwise, Johnny felt dead. He had successfully managed to block out every other emotion he was feeling out of self- preservation, and now only a hollowness remained in his heart. He knew deep down one day that hollowness might fade, but also knew it would be a long time, and wasn’t going to concern himself with when that might happen.

Most days were spent just trying to get through the day, only doing things that were absolutely necessary. He did his laundry, tended the horses, and forced himself to eat, even though the food was tasteless. The other hours of the day were taken up by just simply sitting, for hours sometimes, just staring into space, not thinking of much of anything, watching the world go by. Sometimes he sat on his porch, sometimes on his deck, sometimes on the couch. He went to bed early, sleep becoming his haven. He looked forward to it every day, sometimes as soon as he got out of bed he would wish it was night time again so he could go back to sleep and escape the dreariness of his life. He found himself staying in bed half the day sometimes, not being able to pull himself out.

For a while, he’d had nightmares about what had happened, usually dreaming about Kathy’s death, or occasionally Roy’s death. Other times the nightmares were about him running, in terror, not being able to stop the deaths of those he loved, and he would wake up crying and sweating. But fortunately, those were becoming less frequent, and so now sleep became his escape. Johnny was well aware of the signs of depression, but somehow couldn’t connect those signs to himself.

He did go to physical therapy though, and found that even though it was painful, it was the only thing that made him feel good. As he had before, he worked at it almost obsessively, raising the eyebrows of the therapists who worked with him. They were so pleased with his progress that they thought he would be able to return to work sooner than expected. And that was what Johnny was hoping for. For he knew that if he couldn’t return to work, that would be the last piece of life that would be lost to him, and then life wouldn’t be worth living.

He was healing well and becoming much stronger, the muscles in his arms and legs kept getting larger. He would come home almost feeling like he had a runners’ high, only later to sink back down into his emptiness. Physically as the weeks went by, he was changing into a different person. He was developing a more toned and powerful build, and the fact that he hadn’t shaven gave him a completely different look. His hair had grown a little longer, and now he wore a full mustache and beard, giving his face an older, more mature look, far from the innocent, almost boyish face of only a few years ago. With his dark serious eyes, he almost looked menacing.

Roy hadn’t seen him for a while, but still called, trying to make small talk, trying not to say anything that might set him off. Johnny was able to get to physical therapy by himself now, so he didn’t need rides from anyone, thus being able to avoid contact with his friends. He would go in to the hospital, but never stopped by the base station or talked to anyone. Once Dixie had walked right by him and didn’t recognize him. He had actually found that amusing. He was anxious for the time to come to get back to work, as it drew nearer.

After a month, Roy finally decided enough time had gone by. He’d given Johnny the space he needed, and was almost desperate to see him. He was tired of working with Brice and Dwyer, who were switching on and off to replace Johnny’s hours. He missed Johnny both on and off work, and felt a sense of loss at his absence. He decided he would drop by to see Johnny whether he liked it or not. He promised himself he wouldn’t pressure him to talk about things he didn’t want to talk about, that he was only seeking the company of the friend he felt he had lost.

Johnny had only gotten out of bed a half hour before Roy showed up, and was drinking a cup of coffee on his deck when he heard the knock at his door. He had no idea who it was, probably Bob coming to check on the horses or something. Bob was about the only one he conversed with these days. Talking to Bob was safe, as he was an older gentleman of few words, and never tried to pry information out of Johnny.

Wearing only his boxers and a sleeveless t-shirt, Johnny opened the door to find Roy staring at him from the other side. A small smile lit up his face, as he was pleasantly surprised to see his friend. Johnny hadn’t realized how much he’d missed Roy until seeing him standing before him. “Hey, Roy. This is a surprise. What brings you by? Don’t tell me you were in the neighborhood.”

Roy stared at him, his eyes popping open wide as he took in the transformed image of the man he called his best friend. He looked like a different person than he had seen a month ago. Johnny stood tall before him, his newly toned muscles relaxed, his skin slightly tanned. His hair was just long enough that he had it pulled back in a ponytail, and he had grown a mustache and full beard. The bandages were off his arm and leg, and the new scars stood out noticeably, his leg still sporting the 64 ugly black stitches. He was holding a cup of coffee. Roy was speechless.

Johnny wrinkled his nose. “Aren’t you gonna say anything? What’re you staring at?”

Roy smiled slightly. “Sorry, you just...look so different. For a minute I thought I was at the wrong house.” He struggled to recover his composure.

Johnny then realized what Roy was looking at. “What’s the matter? You never seen a guy with facial hair before?”

“Not on you.”

Johnny rolled his eyes, “Come on in, Roy.” He held the door open for him, then walked in behind him and sat on the couch.

“I didn’t know you could grow a beard.”

“Yeah? Well, I guess there’s a lot of stuff you don’t know about me.”

“I guess so.” An uncomfortable silence ensued for a moment, then Roy glanced at Johnny’s attire. “Uh, did I get you out of bed or anything?”

“Oh, I just got up from a nap a little wile ago,” Johnny lied. He’d actually just gotten out of bed.

Roy smiled. “Ah, must be the life.”

“Yeah,” Johnny got up from the couch. “Uh, excuse me a minute while I throw some clothes on. Help yourself to some coffee if you want.”

“Sure.” Roy got up to pour himself some coffee. He looked around. Nothing seemed out of place.

Johnny was back momentarily with a pair of cut off jeans and a shirt, the sleeves rolled up. He was walking well, with only a slight limp.

“Well, Junior, you’re looking good. I see you got the stitches out of your arm. How’s it feel?”

Johnny raised it up and down a little gingerly. “It’s coming along. PT is helping a lot. And I get these railroad tracks taken out tomorrow,” he patted his thigh.

“That’s great, Johnny,” Roy said genuinely. “Um, any idea when you’ll be back at work?”

“Yep. I’ll be back on the tenth.”

Roy looked surprised but pleased. “Really? Well, that’s great! That’s only in about two weeks! I thought it would be longer.”

“Nope,” he looked wistful. “Boy, it’ll be good to be back.”

Roy could hardly hide his enthusiasm. He couldn’t wait to get his ‘real’ partner back. “Um, do you think you’ll be ready?”

Johnny shrugged. “Sure. Ready enough.” He saw the concern in Roy’s face. “Don’t worry, you’ll be able to count on me. I’m probably stronger than I was before.”

“Johnny, you know I’ve never worried about being able to count on you. I’m just glad you’re coming back.”

“Sick of Brice, eh?” Johnny smiled a bit, secretly enjoying the reaffirmation of his importance to Roy at being his partner.

“Yeah. You know what he did last shift?…” And with that Roy launched into a tirade of all of Craig Brice’s faults. They spent the rest of their time talking shop, Roy filling Johnny in on all the different rescues they had been on. Roy noticed Johnny frown and visibly seem to feel uncomfortable upon hearing about one particularly dangerous fire they had fought. Roy had been explaining about how he barely had gotten out of the building before it flashed when he noticed Johnny seem to draw back.

Roy stayed about an hour, then decided it was time to leave, sensing Johnny shutting down a bit. He didn’t see him again until the day he showed up for work.

The day finally came when Johnny could return to work. He had been anxious to get back, but also was dreading having to hear from everyone about how sorry they were about his loss. He would just have to get through it somehow.

He was the first one there, and was already changed and in the kitchen drinking his first cup of firehouse coffee when he heard his co-workers approaching. From the engine bay he heard Chet exclaim, “Hey, Gage is back! I saw his Rover. The Phantom is now officially back in business!” Johnny rolled his eyes; some things never changed.

Then a short while later, the guys poured in through the dayroom door looking for him. They all stopped and stared as he turned to them after hearing their greeting, “Hey, Johnny, welcome ba – ” He hadn’t shaved the mustache, or cut his hair, and everyone but Roy was stunned at his appearance. He had trimmed the beard so it wasn’t too long and it was neat. However, he looked more like a cowboy straight out of the wild west than a paramedic.

“Hey, Gage! What’s with the beard, man?” Chet blurted out.

“Good to see you too, Chet,” Johnny answered dryly. He rested his chin on his hand at the table as he listened to everyone analyzing his new look.

“Well, I think it looks good,” Marco commented, “Johnny, it makes you look more mature.”

“Yeah, so do those gray hairs I see in there,” Chet teased looking closely at Johnny’s temples.

Johnny rolled his eyes again. Maybe he should have shaved; instead of being able to hide behind his camouflage, it was just causing more attention to be drawn to him. When asked why he grew it he simply said, “Just didn’t feel like shaving.” The discussion was interrupted with Cap calling the guys into the engine bay for roll call. Captain Stanley was a little shocked too, but tried not to stare. He knew what he was going to have to say to Johnny though.

He started by telling Johnny how good it was to have him back, that he was missed, then went on with the daily business of announcements and doling out the cleaning chores. When he was finished he said, “Gage, I’d like to speak to you in my office, please?”
            “Yes, sir,” Johnny said as he wondered what the Cap was going to say to him. God, I hope he doesn’t go into another ‘I’m sorry about everything’ story.

It turned out that he didn’t, didn’t even ask if Johnny felt he was really ready to come back. He knew that Dr. Brackett had cleared him for work, so he didn’t bother. Roy had filled him in some about how sensitive Johnny was to talking about it. He simply said, “John, again, it’s good to have you back, Pal. Your partner especially is glad to have you here, as we all are.”

Johnny looked down, humbled. “Thanks, Cap.”
            “Uh, one other thing, John.”

Johnny looked up at his Captain.

“The beard’s gotta go, pal, and get your hair cut. Got it?”

Johnny sighed, “Yes, sir.” The decision had been made for him. He should have known he wouldn’t be again to get away with it; it was against regulations.

Johnny was in top form, he didn’t miss a beat. His performance was every bit as good as it had been before. He flawlessly started IV’s and went about his job exactly as he had before. Well, almost exactly. Roy still felt the wall that Johnny had built around himself and his eyes had a dull look about them, the sparkle that they usually had was still missing.

Roy was disappointed that he was still smoking. The day had gone by and he had gone to find Johnny to tell him that dinner was ready. Cap was walking out of his office as Roy spotted him out back. They both stopped together as they saw Gage lean against the back wall outside, and take a drag off his cigarette, slowly blowing the smoke upward. Cap looked at Roy and said sadly, “This has really changed him, hasn’t it?”

Roy blew out his breath and simply said, ”Yeah. I’ll go get him.”

Cap watched as Roy went out to get him and saw Johnny drop his cigarette and snuff it out with his shoe. He heard John and Roy talking to each other, but couldn’t hear what was said, so he walked away to get his dinner.

Roy walked up to Johnny. “Dinner’s ready.”

He had surprised him. Johnny looked up suddenly and took another drag off his cigarette, then tossed it to the ground, snuffing it out.

Roy gestured to the cigarette butt on the ground. “Those things’ll be the death of you, you know. Don’t you think you breathe enough smoke on the job already?”

Johnny didn’t look at Roy but smiled wistfully. “Ah, Roy; nothin’ call kill me, don’t you know that by now? I’m the invincible Johnny Gage, man of many lives. I can survive anything. Even Kryptonite.”

Yeah, right. Roy stared at him solemnly. He didn’t want to get into it with him, so he just said, “C’mon, they’re waiting for us.” Johnny picked up his butt and threw it in the trashcan, and Roy followed him into the kitchen.

Johnny showed up for the next shift looking almost like his old self. He had indeed cut his hair shorter and the beard and mustache was gone, although the few gray hairs he had attained were still present. A few weeks went by and Roy thought that Johnny seemed like his old self for the most part. At least until an incident that happened one day on a particularly dreadful rescue.

There had been a terrible traffic accident caused by a fog one morning, and the crew of 51 had spent hours trying to extricate three people from a car. A man and woman were in the front seat and a two-year old child was in the back. The man was dead when they found him slumped over the wheel, and the woman had died from massive internal injuries just before they were able to pull her out. She had been alive when they first arrived, but because they hadn’t been able to get to her, she had bled out. As if that wasn’t bad enough, the child died in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. Johnny had ridden in with her, heroically trying to save her with CPR, but her head injuries were too serious, and she had perished.

Roy didn’t see Johnny when he arrived at the hospital, and Dixie told him about the little girl. Upon hearing the news, Roy was beside himself. A whole family had been wiped out, and he found it hard to hold back the tears. Every time something like this happened, he imagined what it would be like if it had been his family, and sometimes he felt almost guilty that these people were dead and he was still here with his wife and children able to enjoy the life that this family no longer could.

He looked around for Johnny, but Dixie didn’t know where he’d gone, so they went to the doctor’s lounge to look for him. Johnny wasn’t there. Dixie persuaded Roy to rest a minute with a cup of coffee and get himself together. Dixie had tears in her eyes as they talked about the accident, both trying to find a reason why such horrible things happened to people. Finally, Roy got up to leave, thinking he had better find his partner. He was worried how Johnny was going to handle the situation. He knew that Johnny took it hard when they lost people, especially children. He remembered the time that Johnny had admitted to him how knotted up inside he got whenever they got a call about a hurt child. This one had died in the ambulance under his care. He hoped he would be all right.

By the time Johnny had come out of the men’s room, he was all right; at least, he acted like it. He had gone in terribly shaken and overwhelmed, feeling like he might break down, and ran in to seek solitude. Visions of his parent’s accident so many years ago invaded his mind as he fought to control his emotions. He kept envisioning his mother’s body under the white sheet, blood pooling around her, just as he had with his own mother so many years ago.

The little girl had looked like an angel, and when he couldn’t get her heart started again he almost lost his mind. He held it together long enough to get out of the ER, then ran to the bathroom. Bile rising in his stomach, he had vomited several times before shakily getting to his feet. After that he had endlessly splashed cold water on his face and in his mouth, forcing himself under control, until finally his face relaxed and his breathing slowed. When he was sure he had blocked it out, he walked out of the bathroom to find Roy, who was just coming down the hall toward him.

Johnny wouldn’t meet his eyes, but walked over to the base station to start getting the supplies. He could see the anguish in Roy’s eyes, and didn’t dare look at him for fear of it setting himself off again. By the time they made it to the squad, he was under control. He could tell Roy was fighting to control his emotions too, as they had done many times together on calls like this one. Roy finally seemed to relax and they rode in silence, each struggling with their own thoughts.

Then, out of the blue with a shocking calmness Johnny asked, “Hey, Roy? You hungry?”

Roy’s face lit up with disbelief at what he had just heard his partner say, and he knew right then that Johnny had gone over the edge.

The incident with the accident victims bothered Roy all that day. Cap knew what had happened, and was sympathetic, but Roy really wanted – needed – to talk to his partner about it. Johnny went about his business like it was any other day, unable to divulge to Roy just how much it had affected him.

Finally Roy went in seek of him and found Johnny out in the parking lot, where he was smoking, again. Johnny had been chain smoking most the day and doing his best to ignore Roy and keep from talking to him about it.

Johnny’s face was unreadable as Roy approached. Roy stood with him quietly awhile, uncomfortable in the silence, then decided to break the ice. Reaching behind him, he rubbed the stiffness in the back of his neck as he said, “You know, I just can’t seem to get that accident out of my mind today.”

Johnny was silent for such a long time that Roy thought for a moment he hadn’t heard him. He finally spoke. “Yeah, I know. But Roy, you know as well as I do that you can’t get emotionally involved with the victims. It’ll drive you crazy if you do.”

Roy slowly turned to stare at Johnny as if he had two heads. He was now completely frustrated with him after that comment. “Johnny...what’s happened to you?”

Johnny wrinkled his brow at his partner. “I don’t know what you mean, Roy.”

Roy tried to keep his anger in check. “You know, at one time, a run like that would have gotten you down. Now, it’s like you’re some kind of...robot.  You barely respond to anything any more. Don’t you feel anything any more, Johnny?”

Johnny’s eyes narrowed and darted away from Roy’s face in his discomfort. “Of course I do. I just think it’s better not to get emotionally involved. If we did that for everyone we couldn’t function. It doesn’t do any good to get all upset about something we can’t do anything about.”

Roy couldn’t believe what he was hearing. This was not the same man he had known for nearly nine years. It was like Johnny had left and a machine had taken his place. He felt more now that ever that his best friend had slipped away from him. Roy found it hard to control himself; his voice shook as he said, “Johnny, for God’s sake, you rode in with her! She was just an innocent baby, and you were with her when she died! How can you not feel – ”

“Cryin’ ain’t gonna bring her back,” Johnny said coldly.

“I don’t believe you,” Roy fumed.

Johnny lit another cigarette, flinging the used match to the ground. Abruptly, he turned to face Roy, harshly blowing the smoke out his mouth. “What do you want me to do, Roy?” He raised his voice further. “What the hell do you want from me?”

Now Roy was yelling. “Nothing! I don’t want a damn thing, Johnny! I thought maybe I could talk things through with you and you would understand, but I guess I was wrong.”

Johnny swallowed, taken aback at Roy’s ferocity. This wasn’t the Roy he knew. Had he caused this? “Roy – ”

Roy grabbed Johnny’s cigarette and threw it to the ground. “And will you please quit smoking those damn things in front of me? I’m tired of breathin’ that shit! If you want to die from cancer, go ahead! Just don’t take me with you!” And with that Roy turned on his heel and left, leaving Johnny standing there stunned and alone.

After that, Roy sulked alone the rest of the shift. As he calmed down, he felt guilty again at taking Johnny’s head off and the cruel things he had said. He knew he had gone off the deep end, but between trying to deal with Johnny’s problems for the last several weeks, and now the death of this whole family, he was having a hard time keeping himself in check.

He had blown up, needing to let some of his own emotions out, and now he felt worse. But this time, he didn’t apologize to Johnny, because he knew he was right. He decided that he would just have to accept the fact that their close friendship was quite possibly over. If Johnny didn’t want to let him in, there wasn’t anything he could do about it. He felt he’d tried his best.

Roy suddenly felt a great loss and an emptiness deep inside, as the realization sunk in. More than ever he longed to be home in the comfort of his wife’s embrace where he knew he was loved and wanted. Then he resolved not to fight with Johnny any more. He would be pleasant and cordial from now on. Otherwise, the stress from his relationship with Johnny was going to push him over the edge. The trouble was, Roy thought, how do you stop caring about someone who’s become such an important part of your life?

The rest of the guys were well aware of the rift that had developed between the two, but stayed out of it at their captain’s orders. As long as they could work okay together, that was all Captain Stanley was concerned about. They’d had fights before, like any two brothers, so Hank didn’t worry too much. He had enough to do without having to baby-sit his men.

The days went by with no change in Johnny. There was nothing in particular that Roy could put his finger on, he just knew that Johnny wasn’t himself, hadn’t been for a long time.  Johnny would laugh and respond at the appropriate times, and all his friends thought he was over his ordeal. Everyone but Roy. He grew more and more disconcerted at Gage’s lack of emotion regarding serious things. Roy was the one person that Johnny couldn’t fool. Everyone else would have said Roy was crazy. But he knew Johnny – better than anyone else had ever known him. And he desperately had wanted to pull him out of the depths of his despair, but he hadn’t known how. So he had done what he thought he could, and had tried to bring Johnny out of the shell he had built around himself. He had tried so hard to include him in his family as much as possible.

Sometimes, Johnny would give in and come over, just so he could keep Roy off his back. The trouble was, Johnny didn’t want to be included any more. He was happier in his own little world of denial. The real truth was, he was afraid he had become too close to Roy and his family. And he couldn’t bear it if anything ever happened to them too. So, as a means of self-preservation, he continued to distance himself from Roy and his friends as much as he could. He knew something could easily happen to Roy. In their profession, they were constantly in danger. Unconsciously, he built the wall around himself higher and higher in the hopes that, if no one could get in, if no one could take a place in his heart, then they could never break it, and it would protect him from ever being hurt again.

Another byproduct of Johnny’s withdrawal was his total lack of interest in women. It used to be that every time there was a new nurse at Rampart, Roy would practically have to follow Johnny’s drool marks to find him. Now he never seemed to notice when a new pretty face arrived at Rampart. Sometimes nurses would say ‘hello’ to him and he would barely respond. Without even trying, Johnny was losing his reputation as a skirt chaser. The funny thing was, the more standoffish he became, the more the nurses seemed to be interested in him. Sometimes Roy would catch women looking at Johnny with longing in their eyes, and Johnny didn’t even notice. Especially the new nurses; they all wanted to know who the handsome but aloof paramedic was. Was he married? Was he available? They tried in earnest to find out, not believing some of the gossip they had heard from the other nurses about him. Even the nurses who had dated him developed a newfound interest in him when they noticed he wasn’t giving them the time of day. Because of this, it seemed like Johnny had women falling all over him, and some of the other guys watched in disbelief as Johnny neither cared nor took notice.

Johnny did notice some of the attention he was getting, but he couldn’t bring himself to pursue a relationship. Certain that he could never love anyone again like he had loved Kathy, he didn’t try. Johnny really didn’t care any more; he’d had enough. At the young age of thirty he had experienced more pain than most people had in a lifetime. Being alone was better than continually having his heart broken. The cost of letting himself really love someone was way too high. The price was higher than he was willing to ever pay again. He had been burned over and over, and he told himself that this time he had finally had enough. He’d learned his lesson about love.

His heart felt hollow, empty, as if a vacuum cleaner had sucked everything out of it, leaving him numb. He could put on a happy face and act pleasant and normal, but he was really just a robot, having programmed himself to go about every day life like he hadn’t a care in the world. And in truth, he really didn’t.

As more time went by, Captain Stanley began to see some things in Johnny that disturbed him. Lately Johnny seemed to be taking more risks in his job, sometimes needlessly. It seemed that every time they went on a rescue, Johnny always insisted on doing the most dangerous things himself, almost to the point of pushing Roy out of the way. He put himself first on any rescue that might involve something hazardous, whether it be rappelling, climbing high places, climbing into unstable places, water rescues; he would even run ahead of Roy to get into a burning building. Because of the fact that Johnny hadn’t made any mistakes, Hank was reluctant to reprimand. So far, Gage’s only crime was a seemingly over-ambitious attitude.

It was beginning to irritate the hell out of Roy, however. He couldn’t figure out why Johnny was acting this way; they had always worked as a team before. Before Johnny started acting like a nut, Roy thought. What was he trying to prove, Roy wondered. He almost seemed reckless.

Then one late afternoon they got called out to a structure fire. They were the second company on the scene of a four story abandoned apartment building when they were called in to check the second and third floors for a victim. Someone had thought a homeless person was inside since a friend of his couldn’t locate him.

Despite having woken up that morning feeling like he was catching a cold, Johnny had gotten his gear and ran ahead. “I’ll check it,” he told Roy.

Roy caught him by the arm, “We’ll go together. Cap wants us both in there. You check the second floor, I’ll check the third,” he ordered.

Johnny knew not to push it by the look on Roy’s face. He was also feeling achy and his throat hurt, and he didn’t have the energy to argue. “Okay,” he answered and they entered together.

They were both checking their designated floors when Roy’s HT beeped and Cap told them to get out; the person they were looking for had been found. Roy yelled down the nearby stairwell to tell Johnny to get out. They both could feel the telltale build-up of pressure, indicating that the building might flash.

As Johnny was running down the steps, the hairs on the back of his neck rose and he knew it was going to blow. He’d had the same feeling several years before during a time when he was in an apartment building with a gas leak, searching for residents, and the building had exploded before he had a chance to get out. He would never forget the force of that explosion and how it had propelled him head first down the stairs, breaking his leg.

Now he ran. Just as he was passing through the front door, it blew, and he was catapulted into the air and landed hard on the grass about ten feet away. Marco ran to him as other firefighters closed in on the building with hoses. Dazed, Marco helped him up and led him stumbling over to the engine, sitting him down on the bumper. Marco helped him off with his mask, helmet and air tank.

“You okay, amigo?”

“Yeah.” Johnny shakily ran his fingers through his hair. His eyes panned around the scene. He didn’t see Roy. “Marco, where’s Roy?”

Marco looked around, then at Johnny. “Wasn’t he with you?” Marco stared at Gage as his brown eyes widened, and suddenly Marco looked worried. “I didn’t see him come out. He must still be inside! I’ll let Cap know!” Marco got up running in search of their captain. “Cap!”

Panicking, Johnny jumped up and sprinted toward the building. Still a little off balance, he bumped into an astonished firefighter as he pushed his way by and dashed inside the flaming structure.

Marco saw him too late and yelled after him, “Hey, Johnny!”  Shaking his head, he ran off to find the captain. As he rounded the side of the building, he saw Cap coming around the corner from the back of the building, with Roy close behind. The paramedic had found a back staircase and had exited out the back since it had been closer.

Marco ran up to them, breathless. “Cap, Johnny just ran back into the building to find Roy. We thought he didn’t make it out. Cap, Johnny didn’t have his helmet or SBCA with him.”

“What!” the Cap said incredulously.

The three of them began running in tandem toward the front of the building. Marco continued. “He was a little dazed. When the building blew, he got caught in the explosion and –”    “Roy, Marco, get your gear back on and go back in there and find him.”

“Right away, Cap,” they both said.

Johnny ran through the flame filled first floor calling for Roy. He could barely see. His eyes began to water almost immediately and his lungs burned. Not finding him, he ran up to the second floor, taking two steps at a time. Frantic, Johnny screamed for Roy but there was no answer. Not finding him there, he moved on to the third floor. The fire was spreading rapidly now and the whole building was engulfed in flames, despite the tremendous amount of water being thrown at it.

Roy was nowhere to be seen, and the fire had worsened to the point that Johnny could see no more than three feet in front if him. As the smoke started to overcome him, he dropped to the ground and crawled. A sick realization overcame him. Could Roy have gotten out? He must have! I would have found him by now, he surmised with some relief.  

Johnny realized he was in trouble. Squinting around him, he couldn’t see a way out. Tears ran from his irritated eyes, further inhibiting his vision. Unable to get a breath, he coughed and gagged. His ability to continue rapidly declined, and knew he had made a huge mistake. With a sense of resignation, his body sank the rest of the way to the floor, not willing to fight any more. As the smoke overcame him, his last thought was of how his stupidity had just cost another life – his own.

Roy bounded through the building like a man possessed, Marco at his heels. He knew Johnny would either be on the second or the third floor looking for him, so after a quick search of the second, they ascended to the third. Fortunately, it didn’t take long to find him, he hadn’t gone far. Barely able to see through the smoke, Roy tripped over his prone body. Kneeling down, he called Johnny’s name and rolled him onto his back. Gage was barely breathing. Taking the mask from his own face, he placed it over Johnny’s and gave him some air. Marco helped him pull Johnny into a fireman’s carry and together they exited the back of the building, the same way Roy had gone before. He shared his mask with Johnny on the way.

They finally made it out of the building and Roy lowered Johnny’s limp body to the grass. He continued to hold his mask to Johnny’s face as Marco ran to get the oxygen and the biophone.

As the fresh air hit his lungs, Johnny stirred, then began coughing violently as he came to, and Roy helped him sit up slightly. Marco returned with the oxygen and placed the mask around Johnny’s face.

Gage clutched at the mask, doubled over, struggling to get air.

“Just breathe slow, Johnny. That’s it,” Roy’s voice soothed.

Johnny continued to cough and Roy coaxed his turnout coat off to cool him. Tears streamed his eyes from the irritation of the smoke. Distantly, he felt a BP cuff fitted around his arm and realized that he was hearing Roy’s voice. He looked up through blurry eyes and coughed out, “R-oy?” as he pulled the mask away from his face.

“Johnny, keep the mask on.” Roy pushed it back against Johnny’s face.

Johnny reached up and snagged Roy’s sleeve. “You g-ot out?”

“Yeah. I found an exit at the back of the building. Why did you go back in without checking with Cap first? He ordered us out.”

“Thought,” Johnny started coughing again, “you didn’t make it out,” he coughed again.

“Without your helmet and SBCA? Johnny, that’s suicide.”

“I...I…wasn’t thinkin’.”

Roy looked at him in wonderment. His partner never ceased to amaze him. He finished getting Johnny’s vitals and was talking with Rampart when Captain Stanley walked up.

Cap waited until he was finished and then asked, “He okay?”

Johnny’s coughing had slowed and he was sitting up, wiping his sore eyes with the back of his hand. “I’m okay, Cap.”

“Good. But you might not be when I’m through with you, ya twit! Roy, you need an ambulance?”

“No, Cap,” Johnny pleaded, trying to stand up.

“I guess not, Cap. I’ll take him in the squad.”

“Okay. Call me.”

“I will. C’mon, Johnny.” Roy helped him up and got him to the squad.

Except for Johnny’s coughing, they were both silent during the ride.

At Rampart, after Johnny’s insistence that he would not be spending another night in the hospital, Dr. Brackett let Johnny go, but would not clear him to go back to work. He had orders for Johnny to rest at the station where Roy could keep his eye on him, in case any complications with his breathing developed.  Johnny’s throat and lungs were not only inflamed from the smoke, but it also appeared that he was coming down with a cold. Dr. Brackett didn’t want to take any chances; pneumonia could come on quickly for someone like Johnny who had a depleted immune system. So, Roy drove them back to the station. Roy was quiet on the way; he didn’t want to scold – he knew Cap would do that for him. Johnny kept silent mainly because he was embarrassed, but also because he had nearly lost his voice.

The minute he exited the squad he heard Cap in his office calling, “Gage, my office, please.”

Roy met Johnny’s eyes briefly and saw not only dread, but shame behind them, and he felt sorry for him.

“Yes, sir,” he heard Johnny croak and watched him as he entered Cap’s office, closing the door behind him.

Roy heard raised voices from inside, all Cap’s, but couldn’t distinguish what was said. He supposed the Cap was thoroughly chewing Johnny out for going back in the building after being ordered out. Roy couldn’t figure it out. What Johnny had done was something a rookie might do. For the past two months, Johnny’s practically disowned me; now today he almost gets himself killed trying to save my butt. Why would he do such a boneheaded thing? He could have easily died… He felt Marco’s presence next to him.

Marco glanced sympathetically toward Stanley’s office. “I guess Cap’s really letting him have it, huh?”

“Yeah.” He turned to look at Marco. “Why would he do such a stupid thing, Marco?”
            “I don’t know. Maybe it was the explosion.”

“Explosion?”

“Yeah, when the first floor flashed, he was just coming out the door. He must have flown ten feet. It knocked him on his butt pretty hard.”

Roy looked concerned. “Was he hurt?”

“No, I don’t think so, just kinda dazed. I took him over to the engine. He asked me where you were, and I said I never saw you come out. Next thing I knew he was making the hundred-yard dash back there. With none of his gear on. I couldn’t stop him.” Marco shook his head, “Man, you should have seen his face when I told him I thought you were still inside. He was panicked. I’ve never seen Johnny look so scared, Roy.”

Roy stood there, perplexed. Panicked? About me? A memory hit Roy, and he remembered something Johnny had said after Kathy died. He had said that everyone he had ever cared about had been taken away from him, ‘except you, Roy.’ And then he’d asked him to, ‘Be careful at work, will ya?’

It finally dawned on Roy what was happening – why Johnny was so aloof lately. He was distancing himself. Johnny’s afraid of losing someone else – me maybe – maybe the only other person in his life he’s really close to. And he doesn’t want to get close because he’s scared… With a deep sadness, Roy understood what had been going on with his friend.

Roy’s head swiveled back to the closed door as he heard Cap’s voice rise again. He and Marco were both glad they weren’t Johnny at that moment.

            Then, Cap’s voice quieted and moments later the door slowly opened. Marco and Roy quickly tried to look busy in the engine bay.

Johnny came out looking like a whipped dog. His head lowered, eyes to the floor, he slowly shuffled to the dorm and disappeared. Roy was about ready to follow him in when John emerged carrying his civvies and coat. His keys were in his hand, and without a word to anyone he walked out to the parking lot, started his Rover, and drove away.

Cap came out of the office.

“Cap?” Roy questioned.

“I sent him home. His replacement will be here in a half hour.” And he walked out, not knowing Johnny was supposed to stay there at the station.

            Johnny trudged wearily into his house and went to take his uniform off. He felt terrible. His head hurt, his throat hurt worse now than it had this morning thanks to the smoke, his lungs hurt, and his body ached from being thrown. He knew he would have a whole new set of bruises. All his pains from his previous injuries were assaulting him as well, as his hip and leg spasmed at the same time.

He limped barefoot into the bathroom in search of some aspirin and stopped in front of the mirror. He regarded himself disgustedly, looking at his tired eyes. He sighed, the voice inside him talking to him now.

Well, congratulations, Gage. You’ve managed to completely  fuck up your life. How much worse can it get? You got your girlfriend killed, isolated yourself from all your friends; your best friend can’t even stand you anymore. How can you blame him? You’ve treated him like shit. And now after your totally inane blunder today, you’ve got the Cap mad at you – you could have gotten suspended. What were you thinking, Gage? How could you have been so stupid? Did you lose your brain? What happened to your ten years of firefighting experience?

Someone else could have gotten killed coming in there to rescue you today. Aren’t you responsible for enough deaths? God, you’re pathetic. Maybe you should just do everyone a favor and get rid of yourself. Permanently. You’re miserable and you’re making everyone around you miserable. What difference does your life make to anyone now? There’s no one left to care.

The anger in his face turned to sadness. It wouldn’t be that hard. You’re off for the next two days; it’d be too late by the time anyone found you. Just a few pills and it would be all over. You could see Mom again, and Dad. And David. God, how I’ve missed him. And Kathy...

 He swallowed against the huge lump in his swollen throat and opened the medicine cabinet. Hesitantly, he reached for the full bottle of prescription sleeping pills in the back.  Dr. Brackett had prescribed them for him after his ordeal with Charlene. That event had caused him to have nightmares and trouble sleeping. Hating the way they made him feel, he had never taken more than one.

With shaking hands, he dumped the bottle of pills out into his hand, and reached for a glass of water. He looked back up at himself in the mirror.  I…I guess I’d better take them all. It shouldn’t…take too long…”

Suddenly another part of his brain screamed at him. No! He brought his fists up to his temples, squeezing his eyes shut. The pills spilled from his clenched fist and the glass fell to the floor, shattering.  My God! What are you thinking? You want to kill yourself? You loathe people that kill themselves! What would your parents think? What would everyone think? They’d think you’re a loser and a coward! Don’t you have any self-respect left? His eyes opened back up wide as he stared at himself in the mirror.

My God, what has happened to me?

Then he heard the voice from the other side of his mind. Gage, either take your life...or get on with it. Pick one.

His head was pounding harder. He coughed raggedly. Staring at his reflection another moment, he opened the medicine cabinet back up and took out a bottle of aspirin. With shaking hands he popped two in his mouth. He turned on the faucet and leaned down to scoop up some water with his mouth, swallowing the pills down with the water.  Straightening, he studied his reflection again. How have I let my life get so out of control? What am I gonna do?

He felt he was at the end of his rope and he was scared.

“God,” he whispered, “I want my life back. Please, let me have my life back.”

Distraught, he shut off the light and, stepping over the broken glass, fell onto his bed, sick and exhausted. He was asleep within minutes.

The birds singing outside his window woke him up. It was only seven-thirty. He didn’t feel like getting out of bed, so he lay there a long while, and eventually drifted back off to sleep. When he awoke next the clock read nine-thirty. His throat was very sore and he needed a drink, so he dragged himself out of bed.

He took a shower, hoping the hot steam would soothe his aching throat and lungs. It did somewhat, and so he dressed and went into the kitchen to make coffee. He felt like someone had mopped up the floor with his body.

He forced himself to eat a bowl of cereal, and then headed outside to the front porch with his coffee. He sat down in one of the rockers and took a sip from his steaming mug. The air was damp. It must have rained last night, he thought, but the sun was peeking out from behind the clouds a bit. He savored the feel of the cold, damp wood under his bare feet. A soft breeze rustled through the trees, some of which had new leaves on them. Two magnificent redbud trees in his front yard were in full bloom, majestically displaying their bright purple colors. He tried to breathe in the humid air, and was able to enjoy some of the sweetness he smelled before he broke out into a coughing fit.

John looked around. Birds were softly singing their songs, flying about. He watched a robin as it flew up high in a tree with nesting material in its beak. Two squirrels madly chased each other up and down and around the trees, while another chattered from its perch up high on a limb. Another did an acrobat act through the trees, jumping from limb to limb, making him smile. It was a glorious day, a perfect spring morning. Except for the noises of the birds and animals, everything was totally silent. No traffic sounds, no pollution invaded his space this morning.

He thought back to the previous evening, and shuddered at remembering what he had been contemplating doing.

I can’t believe I was actually thinking of….killing myself. I must really be going off the deep end. He looked around him. I would have been dead; I would have missed all this…if I had gone ahead with it.

He sighed. Maybe I need some help. This is ridiculous. I’ve got to get my life together or I may lose my job. Who could I talk to? Man, I don’t want to see a shrink. The other voice came at him then,

            Why don’t you call Roy? He offered to help you, you know. But Roy’s so fed up with me now; I doubt he’d want to talk to me.

John, you know that’s not true. Call him. He’s your best friend.

He thought a moment longer, then went in to the house. He picked up the phone, then after a moment’s hesitation, dialed Roy’s number. He let it ring fifteen times, then hung up.

Oh well, I tried. He’s either in bed, or he and Joanne are out somewhere.

Johnny went back out onto the porch with a fresh cup of coffee. Sighing, he closed his eyes, letting the cool breeze flow over him. Some time went by, he wasn’t sure how much, and he heard a car turning into his driveway. Sitting forward, he strained to see who it was, thinking it might be Roy.

As the car drove in, he realized he didn’t recognize it – a red camaro. The car stopped, and its occupant, a female, got out. Johnny stared in disbelief as he realized who it was.

As she slowly approached him, smiling softly, his heart started pounding and any color he had in his face drained out. He stood up shakily.

She was almost to the porch when she said, “Johnny?”

A look of terror was in his eyes and his mouth hung open as he took a step backwards, tripping over the rocking chair, falling to the porch.

She ran up to him, concerned, and reached out her hand. “Are you okay? Here, let me help you.”

Looking up at her, he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. Either he was hallucinating or he was seeing a ghost. Terrified, he knew he’d finally lost it. One word stuttered from his lips. “Ka…Ka…Kathy?”

The woman realized then what he thought and her hand went to her mouth. “Oh, my God. I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to scare you. I’m Kristen. Kristen Taylor, Kathy’s sister.” With a knowing look of sadness she said, “Kathy never told you she had a twin.”

Finally understanding, he closed his eyes, shaking his head. He wasn’t going crazy. His breathing slowed and he pulled himself off the porch. He swallowed. “No. She…she talked about her sister…lots of times. But she never mentioned you were twins.”

“I’m so sorry. Oh, what you must have been thinking! You poor thing.”

Johnny smiled slightly. “It’s okay, you just…I just wasn’t expecting…

“You are…Johnny Gage?”       

“Yes. Uh, how…I mean…do you mind if I ask why you’re here?”

“Of course. You see, Kathy told me a lot about you, and I had wanted to meet you, before…but then, it was too late. Anyway, there were some things of Kathy’s that I knew she would have wanted you to have, so that’s why I’m here.”

“Oh.” They stood looking at one another for a moment. He was stunned at how much she looked like Kathy. Her hair was a bit shorter and now that he was looking at her closely he could tell there was something about her that was a little different, but he couldn’t put his finger on it. They talked the same, and had the same mannerisms. “Um, would you like to sit down? How about a cup of coffee,” he asked politely.

“That would be lovely, thank you,” and she watched as he went inside to get her coffee. She could see why her sister had fallen for him. She had described him perfectly:  deep brown eyes that were mesmerizing, tousled dark hair and chiseled features, tall and handsome. He wore his worn jeans like they were a second skin, and his rolled up shirt-sleeves emphasized his strong toned arms.

He handed her the coffee and each took a seat in the two front porch rockers. “It’s so peaceful here,” she commented.

“Yeah, I like it. I bought this house about a year – ” he broke off coughing.

“You sound sick; you can barely talk. Maybe I picked a bad time to come by. You should be in bed.”

He finished coughing, holding up his hand. “No, it’s okay. I breathed in a bunch of smoke in a fire yesterday, and now I’ve got a little cold on top of it, is all.”

“Yes, Kathy told me you were a firefighter. She mentioned how dangerous your job is, and told me about some of the things that have happened to you. She even said you got bitten by a rattlesnake once.”

He looked at her curiously. He was surprised that Kathy had told her so much about him. “Yeah, that was kind of a hairy situation. Fortunately, I wasn’t allergic to the anti-venom. Everything worked out okay.” He paused a minute. “I’m kind of surprised you know so much about me...and we’ve never met.”

Kristen looked down. In a soft voice she explained, “Kathy and I were extremely close. We told each other everything. We talked on the phone nearly every day. After she met you, she could hardly talk about anything else. I practically feel as if I’ve known you for a long time.” She looked up at him shyly. “I hope you know...how much she was in love with you.”

Johnny’s face looked stricken, as suddenly the memories came alive again like old wounds being ripped opened. He closed his eyes and swallowed, turning his head away. “I...felt the same way,” he whispered.

“I know,” she could see it in his eyes. “One of the reasons I had to see you was that I wanted to give you this,” and she took a small box out of her purse and opened it. It was the ring that Johnny had given Kathy. “Did you give this to my sister?” She held it out to him.

He hesitantly took the box from her hand like it was a piece of breakable china and looked down at the ring. Instantly in his mind he saw Kathy, her eyes sparkling, as she slipped the ring on her finger, and his eyes started to fill. Blinking quickly, he turned his head away, overwhelmed by the despair suddenly washing over him again. “Yes,” he replied, “we were...planning to get married this summer. She was going to ask you to be the...maid of honor.”

At this news, Kristen buried her head in her hands and began to weep. Quickly she pulled a tissue out of her purse and began to dab at her eyes. After she collected herself she finally apologized, “I’m sorry. I wasn’t going to do this...I’ve cried so much already. I thought enough time had gone by that I would be able to talk about it...but I just can’t help it.”

Johnny understood her feelings perfectly. “It’s okay,” he soothed, “it’s okay.”

She took a deep breath. “When Kathy died...it felt like...I had lost a limb or something. A big part of me was just suddenly gone. I feel like...I have to learn how to live all over again.”

Johnny nodded, “I know,” he said simply.

“I’ve been so distraught since it happened, I sometimes wonder if my life will ever be normal again. I know it’ll never be the same. And I’ve been focusing so much on myself that I’ve forgotten that other people are hurting too. My mom and dad are devastated, but somehow they’ve managed to carry on. I don’t know how they do it. I’ve finally realized that I need to be there for them too; I guess I’m starting to get it together a little bit. And I know Kathy wouldn’t want us to be so sad. She would feel terrible if she knew...I just know she would want us to go on with our lives and be happy, and to never forget the good times we had together. So, that’s what I’ve been trying to do.”

Then she looked up at him. She could see the sadness deep in his face and knew she wasn’t the only one suffering. She took a deep breath and blew it out. “This must be terribly hard for you too. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to bring you down.”

“You don’t have to apologize...Kristen.” He found it hard to call her that. “I should probably be apologizing to you. You see, Kathy came to me for help. She was terrified of this Jim guy. I promised her I wouldn’t let anything happen to her. She trusted me, and I wasn’t able to protect her. I let her down; I let everyone down.” He stared down at his hands miserably.

“Johnny – ”

“I never should have presumed that I could keep her safe. I should have done more. Bringing her here to stay with me was the stupidest thing I’ve ever done, and it cost her her life.”

Kristen was shaking her head. “You’re wrong. There isn’t anything you could have done. Believe me; I knew the man. He was an animal. It wouldn’t have mattered where Kathy went, he would have found her and the end result would have been the same.”

He looked at her skeptically.

She went on, “Johnny, she left him once, after he abused her. She tried to cover her trail; she moved clear across the country to get away from him, and to be near me here in California. She was afraid to even move into the same city as me for fear he would come looking for her. He had been gone over a year. He found her anyway. It wouldn’t have made any difference. The police didn’t want to help until they actually caught him beating her.

I do have one thing to thank you for though.”

“What?”

“For killing the son of a bitch. At least some justice has been served.”

They both sat silently for a few minutes, just listening to the birds. “I heard he almost killed you,” she said quietly.

He looked surprised.

“I talked to someone at Rampart...a...Dixie McCall. She was Kathy’s supervisor. She told me what happened. That’s how I found you. Are you all right?”

“I survived. That’s more than I can say for Kathy.”

Kristen reached out and touched his arm. “Don’t feel guilty. You have nothing to feel guilty for. None of us blame you. We knew what kind of man he was.”

She stood up, and tried to look more cheerful. “Hey, I almost forgot. There’s something else that was Kathy’s that I brought to you today.”

He wondered what it could possibly be as he watched her go out to her car. A moment later she was walking up the steps with what looked like an animal carrier. Johnny peered inside, and there, crouched in the back, was Ollie.

“Ollie?” he asked. He looked up at her. “Who’s been taking care of him? I figured Jim probably killed him too, like my dog.”

Kristen’s eyes widened. “He killed your dog?”

“Yeah. The same night...he was barking...and....”

“That bastard,” Kristen said with gritted teeth.

Johnny looked down at the cage. “Let’s take him inside. He looks scared.”

They went inside and set the cage down on the wood floor. “Kristen, why are you giving me Kathy’s cat?”

“Well, he’s been with me for the last several months. The night Kathy came to you to tell you about Jim, she also took Ollie out of the house and drove him up to my place. She was afraid he would harm him, which I’m sure he would have. He’s been living with me, but my cat hates him. And poor Ollie is miserable. Kathy had told me how much he liked you...and so, I was hoping...”

“…that I would want him.”

“Yes. What do you think?”

Johnny opened the cage and tried to coax him out. Ollie tentatively sniffed Johnny’s hand and very timidly edged toward the opening. Finally he crawled out, keeping low to the ground. Johnny picked him up, and Ollie immediately clung to his lap, pushing his head against him.”

Kristen smiled. “He likes you, I can tell.”

Johnny smiled too. “I always was a sucker for animals. Okay, Ollie, what do you say we give it a try?” he said scratching the cat behind his ears. Ollie started kneading his paws into Johnny’s stomach and purred.

Kristen stayed a long while after that and they talked. They mostly talked about Kathy and their childhood, but also about themselves and their jobs. Kristen explained about her landscaping business to Johnny, and he talked to her about the project he had started out back but never finished.  It was getting late and she decided to leave. Johnny’s voice had become nonexistent, and she felt it was time.

He walked her to her car. “I’m glad I got to meet you,” he said.

“Me too,” she agreed. She put her hand on his cheek. “I would have loved having you for a brother-in-law.”

He smiled sadly.

“Would it be all right if I came to visit you again sometime?”

“I’d like that. Anytime, Kristen.

He watched her leave and each waved to the other. Sighing, he went inside and sat down to think. Seeing Kristen was hard, it brought back so many memories of Kathy. Yet, he was glad she had stopped by. It seemed like their conversation had lifted the weight of guilty feelings he had been experiencing off his shoulders just a bit.

He recalled what she had said about how Kathy wouldn’t have wanted everyone to be so sad, that she would have wanted everyone to go on with their lives and be happy. Kristen’s visit also made him realize that he wasn’t the only one feeling Kathy’s loss, that others were hurting too. It helped to know that he wasn’t alone in his sorrow. Somehow that made him feel a little better.

His thoughts turned for a moment to how his despair over everything had almost led him to end his own life, just the previous evening. Now it made him cringe to think about it. What a mistake that would have been, he thought. I do have people that care about me, but I’ve only pushed them away.

Maybe I’ve done enough mourning; I can’t be sad forever, Kathy wouldn’t have wanted that. I’ve got to start living again, but how? I need help. I hope...it’s not too late.

Instinctively he went to the phone and dialed Roy’s number. But, again, there was no answer. Johnny’s shoulders slumped in dismay. What did you think – that he was waiting around by the phone for you to call? He’s got better things to do, you know, than wait around for the time that you decide you want to be his friend again.

Not knowing what to do, he reached for his pack of cigarettes on his kitchen counter. Fitting one into his mouth, he brought the lighter up to it, then stopped. Slowly, he took the cigarette out of his mouth and stared down at it, a disgusted look coming over his face as he coughed. Enough is enough, Gage. Carefully he put the cigarette back into the pack, then closing it in his fist, crushed it. It fell from his hand into the trashcan.

His throat was raw from talking with Kristen, and now his nose was stuffy. He started coughing again. Heading for the bathroom, he took some cold medicine and aspirin and went to lie down on his bed. He felt like crap. Less than a minute later, Ollie was up on the bed with him, kneading the covers. Finally, he settled down in the crook between Johnny’s neck and shoulder. He started to clean himself, then decided Johnny’s face needed a couple of licks as well. Johnny chuckled at the feel of his sandpaper tongue. Then, purring heartily, the feline laid his head down for a cat-nap. Johnny felt the soft fur against his cheek and felt comforted. I guess you’ve probably been hurting too, haven’t you. After all, you lost your ‘mom’. She was probably your whole world. He knew this cat needed him, and he was glad. It felt nice to be needed.

The next day he felt a little better. He had spent most the rest of the day in bed resting and sleeping, the cold medicine having made him drowsy. He hadn’t heard the phone ringing several times that afternoon, and didn’t see his answering machine blinking.

He sat reading the paper and drinking a cup of coffee when someone knocking at the door startled him. He hadn’t heard anyone drive up. His heart jumped a second, wondering if it might be Kristen again, so he was very surprised when he opened the door and found Roy there.

Roy was surprised. Johnny was smiling at him, like he was glad to see him.

“Roy! I...what are you doing here?” He opened the door to let him in.

“Well, I just came by to see how you were,” he looked at Johnny expectantly out of the corner of his eye expecting to see his eyes roll or a frown on his face, but didn’t. He was holding a container. “Here. Uh, Joanne wanted me to give you this soup she made. Thought it would help your throat.”

Johnny was floored. After the way I’ve treated him...and now this! “Roy, you’ve got one hell of a wife. You’re a lucky man.”

“I know. You don’t sound too good.”

Johnny put the soup in the refrigerator as Roy followed him in to the kitchen. “Yeah, well, I guess I got what I deserved.”

“I guess Cap laid into you pretty good, huh?”
            “Came this close to being suspended,” he held up his fingers indicating a small space. “Can’t blame him though. I wouldn’t want to work with me either after that dumb stunt.”

“That was pretty unlike you, Johnny. Why didn’t you check with Cap before you ran back in there?”

Johnny sat down heavily at the table. He closed his eyes. “I don’t know.” He looked at Roy, then away. “I was afraid.” He hesitated when Roy didn’t say anything. “When I saw that building explode, and I thought you didn’t get out, I...I don’t know...I just...lost it.” He returned his gaze to Roy. “See, I know what it’s like to get caught in a flashover. I almost got killed in one, if you remember. I thought...I thought you were dead. And I...” his head lowered, “couldn’t stand the thought...of losing my best friend...after everything else.”

Roy was quiet a moment, considering what his friend had said, how it made him feel, and the significance of him having said it, all at once. “Johnny, I know how you feel. You put me through the same thing all the time.”

Johnny lifted his head. “What? What do you mean?”

“I mean I feel the same way every time something happens to you. Whether you’re hit by a car, bitten by a snake, blown up in a building, dying of a disease, falling – ” he was counting each event off on his fingers.

“Are you insinuating I’m accident prone?” Johnny said defensively.

Roy smiled. “Not at all. I’m just saying that there’s been plenty of times where you’ve almost made a basket case out of me too. Look, Johnny, you made a mistake. But it came from in here,” Roy gestured to his heart with his hand. “That means a lot to me.”

Johnny looked down, a little embarrassed. “I can’t afford to let a mistake like that happen again.”

“You won’t.”

“How do you know? I’ve been so messed up lately...”

“Because I know you. I know you’re a hell of a firefighter. And in all the years we’ve worked together, this is really the first time anything like this has ever happened. Everyone makes mistakes sometimes. You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t. I wouldn’t want anyone else for a partner.”

Johnny looked humbled. “Thanks, Roy,” he said very quietly. He looked up at him. “You know, I guess part of my problem was that...I thought my life never really made a difference to anyone...until I met Kathy. And after she died…”

“You underestimate yourself, Junior. There’s a lot of people out there whose lives would have been very different if it hadn’t been for you. Me included.”

Johnny bit his lower lip and looked away. He took in a breath. “Roy, I owe you an apology.”

“No you don’t.”

“Yes, I do. You’re the one person who’s always been there for me, and I’ve treated you like total shit. I took for granted what a good friend you are. I just want to say...I’m sorry.”

“Apology accepted.”

“You know, I tried to call you yesterday.”

“You did?”

“Yeah, but you weren’t home.”
            “What did you want?”

“Ah, I was hoping you’d be able to help me with something.”
            Roy brightened. “Sure, Johnny. Anything. You need some help with that landscaping project or something?”

Johnny’s mouth quirked up on one side in a small crooked grin. “No. I was hoping you’d be able to help me...get my life back together.”

Roy grinned. “It’d be my pleasure. I was wondering if you were ever gonna ask.”

“Yeah, well, I’m not really sure what you can do, except maybe just to try to overlook my nutty behavior.”

“Johnny, I’ve been doin’ that ever since I met you.”

Johnny’s mouth dropped open, but before he could get a word in Roy asked, “How about coming over for dinner Saturday night? The kids miss you terribly. Oh, and by the way, I’m gonna be getting another set of tickets to the Dodger’s game...if you’re interested? Just get rid of your cold first, okay?”

Johnny grinned the biggest smile Roy had seen in a long time. “You’re on, Pally.”

Several weeks went by and Roy finally started to see a change in Johnny. He slowly became more and more like his old self. It was still going to take some time for him to deal with everything that had happened to him over the past year, but at least now he was letting his friends back into his life, and that helped immeasurably.

Roy and Joanne decided one Saturday to pay Johnny a surprise visit at his ranch, complete with steaks for a barbecue, goodies Joanne had made, and beer. He knew Johnny was planning on finally finishing his landscaping project in his yard that he had started almost a year ago, so he would be home. The kids had a sitter and they were anticipating a nice relaxing evening. They had been doing everything they could to boost Johnny’s spirits.

As they exited their car, they heard voices coming from the back yard – Johnny’s and a female’s. They both looked at each other with raised eyebrows as they surreptitiously peeked around the corner of Johnny’s house to see who the woman was.

They saw Johnny standing near a large muddy area holding a rather large stone. Johnny’s shoulders were sagging under the weight of it and he looked like he was ready to drop it. The woman was directing him as to where to put it.

“Okay, now move it right over there, “ she said pointing.

He started to put it down.

“No, no, no! Not there! Over here. You’ve got to put things in threes, remember?”

He gave her a disgusted look and hoisted the huge stone back up with a grunt. He was attempting to put it where she was indicating, when his heel got caught on one of the other rocks, and he stumbled backward, dropping the rock and falling right into the mud. “Shit!” he exploded.

The woman burst out laughing as she stood over him.

“You think this is funny?” he yelled.

She nodded, covering her mouth in an attempt to stifle her giggles.

Johnny reached up and grabbed her by the arm and pulled her down into the mud next to him.

            “Augh!” she yelled as the mud splattered everywhere upon her landing.

Johnny started laughing hysterically.

That was when the woman scooped up a huge handful of mud and unceremoniously smeared it all over his face.

He stopped laughing. Narrowing his eyes at her, he scooped up his own handful of mud and, dividing it up between both hands, reached out and wiped it all the way down both of her arms. They looked at each other a moment, then both started laughing. Mud was dripping off Johnny’s nose.

That was when Roy and Joanne decided to make their presence known and came walking around the back of the house. They both had amused expressions on their faces. As they neared the two, Roy said, “Hey, Johnny, I guess we’re just in time for the mud wrestling competition.”

“Yes, Johnny. We’d love to meet your – ” Joanne stopped in mid sentence as she caught a glimpse of the woman sitting in the mud next to Johnny. Her hand flew to her mouth. “Oh my God... Roy had the same expression on his face as he looked at the woman.

Johnny pulled himself up from the mud and gave the other woman a hand up. Walking over to them, he introduced her. “Roy, Joanne, meet Kristen Taylor, Kathy’s sister, ah, I mean, her twin sister.”

Roy and Joanne expelled their breaths at the same time.            

Kristen reached out her muddy hand and said, “It’s okay; Johnny had the same reaction the first time we met. How do you do? Oh,” she looked at her muddy hand and pulled it away. “I guess you don’t want to shake my hand right now.”

Roy and Joanne looked at one another, each wondering if the other was thinking the same thing.

“Kristen owns a landscape business in Santa Barbara. She was just helping me with my project.”

“Is that what you were doing?” Roy joked.

They all laughed, and after some small talk, Johnny instructed Kristen to go inside to get cleaned up, then he did the same. Johnny fired up the grill, and they all enjoyed a wonderful early summer evening.  Both Roy and Joanne were enchanted by Kristen, and secretly hoped that maybe the two of them would find happiness together.

The evening wore on and Roy and John sat out on the deck drinking their beers while the women went inside to get dessert. They sat quietly watching the moon come up and listening to the crickets. Roy finally broke the ice.

“Uh, Johnny? I was just wondering, are you and Kristen...”

Johnny looked over at him and smiled. “Nah, we’re just friends, Roy. She’s...been good for me though. She’s made me realize...even after bad things happen, life is…still worth living.  I guess we’ve kinda been helping each other, you know?”

“Yeah. I understand. Nice to have friends to help you get through the tough times.”

“You can say that again. I guess I’m pretty lucky.” He looked at Roy knowingly.

“I’d say so.” Roy looked toward the house. “You never know though...”

Johnny rolled his eyes. He knew Roy and Joanne wouldn’t give up on him until he settled down with the right woman. “Mmmm, maybe. You never know.”

Johnny strolled down the long corridor, his tennis shoes squeaking with each step on the linoleum floor. He held a beautiful bouquet of flowers in one hand, and a box of chocolates in the other. He knew those were her favorites, chocolate creams had always been her weakness.

He knocked on the door, remembering the past wistfully. The woman opened the door, and with a big smile, held it open for him to enter.

“Hi, Aunt Rose. Happy birthday!” He leaned down to kiss her cheek, then handed her the flowers and candy. He noticed she seemed to have a sparkle in her eye today; he wondered if she even remembered if it was her birthday.

She took the gifts from him and with a gleam in her eye exclaimed, “Why, Johnny, it’s so good to see you! It’s been such a long time!”

A big smile broke out on his face, and he stood staring at her in amazement.

Things were looking up.

THE END

Many thanks to my beta and friends who helped with this story. You know who you are. Please know how much you are appreciated!

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