"Well, it was just so stupid, Roy, ya’ know what I mean?" Johnny snickered for the hundredth time. He had been harping to his partner, Roy DeSoto, about ‘Stupid Stunts’ ever since they had freed that luckless chap from the clutches of a sofabed the week before. "And if that wasn’t enough, we had to get that call when Christy was riding along with us, of ALL people!"

Taking his eyes off the road for just an instant, Roy’s face mirrored the confusion he was feeling as he eyed his partner. Turning his attention back to the road, he dared to ask, "Didn’t you and Christy work things out? I mean, well enough to go out on a date anyway."

"Well, we DID work things out!" Johnny smiled knowingly, waggling his eyebrows. "As a matter of fact, we’re goin’ out again tonight!"

Christy Todd had been a tough nut to crack since the first moment she had walked into Station 51’s break room. A liberal female reporter, she had her own clear views of what men were all about, especially when it came to firemen like John Gage.

Their first impressions of each other had not been favorable ones. Christy had accused Johnny of being arrogant, conceited, prejudiced, and possessing a ‘superior attitude’. He, in turn, accused her of being dangerous and immature, and had also called her an ‘eavesdropping baby barracuda’. Getting her to go out with him couldn’t have been an easy task. Roy could come up with only one explanation: when Johnny had come perilously close to being blown up in that abandoned warehouse, Christy had finally realized that she had been wrong about firemen in general and felt it only fair to give his partner a chance.

Checking for traffic before he backed the squad into the station driveway, Roy shook his head in continual amazement over Johnny’s ability to woo the girls. All the same, he knew it would only be a matter of time before Johnny, or Christy, would find some reason to break off their romantic adventure. Roy was glad that their shift was almost over and, he hoped, Johnny’s fixation with the sofabed escapade as well. One full week’s worth of Johnny’s current obsession was about all Roy could handle.

"So where you taking her tonight, Johnny?" Roy asked.

"Huh?" Johnny answered distractedly.

"Christy? Your date?" Roy reminded him.

"Oh yeah!" Johnny grinned. "Bowling!" he added with delight.

‘Bowling,’ Roy mouthed the word silently. "I hope she knows what she’s in for then, Junior, and that you’re not leaving this little tidbit for a last-minute surprise."

"Well, what’s the fun in ruining the surprise?" Johnny asked in all honesty.

‘Johnny, you have no idea….’ Roy thought to himself.

After logging in their last run of the day, the two paramedics were the last men from A-shift to leave the station. Roy climbed into his little car, and Johnny hopped into his Land Rover.

Leaning out the driver’s window, Johnny frowned, deep in thought. "You know, Roy, I still don’t see how that guy got stuck in that bed in the first place. I mean, those things don’t just fold up by themselves, you know. If they get stuck, it’s usually the other way around. You can’t GET them to fold up!"

"Whatever you say, Johnny. Have a nice date. See you next shift."

"Sure thing, Roy. And don’t worry about my date, that good ol’ Gage Charm never let a girl down yet!" Johnny flashed a quick smile as he put his car into gear and pulled away.

"So, do you want to go grab a bite to eat?" Johnny asked as he plopped himself down on the flowered couch.

"I don’t think so, John. As a matter of fact, I have an early appointment in the morning, so I think maybe…." Christy had been dropping subtle hints all evening, hoping Johnny would get the idea and leave as soon as he dropped her off at the apartment. Unfortunately, he seemed to be anything but the subtle type. Once they had gotten past their initial impressions of each other, Johnny’s outgoing nature had really appealed to her. However, the perpetual energy that went along with it exhausted her to no end.

"Oh that’s okay, I’m not all that hungry anyway," Johnny interrupted with a lie. "Besides, we were on the run most of the night and I didn’t sleep too well once I got home. My landlady hired this new guy to mow the lawn, and I swear he picks my days off to do the job. By the time he was done, I was too tired to sleep anyway, so I just got up."

Christy smiled politely as Johnny rattled on about the lawn guy, though she wasn’t really listening. Instead, she was trying to think of a delicate way to oust him from her apartment. When Johnny switched from the lawn guy to the little kid next door crying, Christy decided that delicacy was definitely not the route to go.

"Look Johnny, I really do have to get up in the morning, early. Perhaps it would be better if you just left," she stated clearly, with her hand planted solidly on the doorknob.

"Oh." Johnny looked surprised, and a little hurt at the tone of her voice. For a brief moment, those dark puppy dog eyes of his nearly threw her off kilter. "Well, okay, I’ll call you tomorrow then?" he asked hopefully.

"You’re working tomorrow I thought," she reminded him, trying to keep the hint of hope from her own voice.

"Yeah, you’re right," he sighed. "I could call you from the station then!" His face lit up at the very thought, then faded when he recognized that familiar ‘I’ll call you, don’t call me’ look on Christy’s face.

"It’s been fun, John, but, you know." Christy tried to let him down easily.

"Yeah, I know...." Johnny was halfway through the door when he turned around, his mouth hanging half-open as if to say something. When he saw her face again, he snapped his jaw closed, and turned back to the door. Without another word, Christy closed the door quietly behind him. As cute as he was, after their little bowling venture, she knew that he was not the man for her.

"Bowling?" she asked the now-empty room. Shaking her head, she headed for the bathroom for a nice long soak in the tub. She shuddered at the thought of the hundreds of feet that must have seen those ill-fitting shoes forced upon her earlier that evening.

Bubbles danced under the running tap as hot steaming water filled the tub. Anticipating the therapeutic effect a hot soak would provide, Christy slipped out of her bathrobe. Pausing before she stepped into the tub, she could have sworn she heard a knock at her door. Opening the bathroom door slightly, she heard the rapid knocking again.

"Someone out there has really lousy timing," she muttered to herself as she pulled her bathrobe on again. "This had better be good!"

Peering through the peephole, she stepped back quickly, nearly losing her balance when Johnny’s smiling face was peeping back at her. Opening the door just a crack, she forced a smile at her date-of-the-evening who was planted on the other side.

"Did you forget something?" she asked, trying to keep the irritation out of her voice.

"Um, I don’t know how to tell you this," Johnny hemmed and hawed, "but, um, my car won’t start." He smiled sheepishly, knowing how lame that story must sound.

"Your car won’t start," Christy restated skeptically.

"Uh, no, and I’ve done just about everything I can do myself. Look if you let me in, maybe I can call someone to pick me up, and I’ll be out of your hair," he promised. The grin on his face grew weaker as his hopes of re-entry into her apartment were dying. When Christy didn’t offer to let him in right away, he started to turn away.

"Wait a minute!" Christy gave in with a sigh, opening the door. "I can’t exactly leave you stranded in my hallway. Come on in."

When the door opened fully, Johnny could see that she was in her bathrobe. Several shades of red flushed over his face in embarrassment. Rubbing his hand against the back of his neck, he stood awkwardly in the doorway, until Christy pointed out the phone on the endtable near the couch.

"I’ll be out of here in just a sec, really," Johnny promised again. Picking up the phone, he paused for a moment, debating whom to call. It was a little late to be calling Roy’s house. He didn’t want to wake Joanne and the kids. Hesitating for a minute, he dialed Chet’s number, although Kelly was the last person he wanted to owe a favor. Holding the receiver to his ear, he suddenly got a funny look on his face.

"What’s the matter?" Christy asked sarcastically. "You forget everyone’s phone number?"

"Um, no. Uh, Christy?" Johnny frowned and flashed a nervous grin as he held the phone receiver out for her inspection. "Does your phone work?"

"Oh for heaven’s sake, of course it works!" Her patience growing thin, Christy grabbed the phone from him, and held the receiver to her ear. Her eyes grew wide when her ears heard nothing but silence. "What did you do to my phone?" she accused.

"I didn’t do anything!" Johnny shouted in self-defense. "I just picked it up!"

"Well, it must be unplugged or something." Christy ran her hands along the phone line and frowned slightly when the cord seemed to be firmly in place. Hitting the buttons where the receiver usually rested produced no results either. The phone was indeed dead.

"Maybe you forgot to pay your phone bill," Johnny suggested.

"I paid my phone bill, Gage!" Christy snapped back sharply.

Uh-oh, thought Johnny. We’re back to Gage. "Well, I just…look, if you wouldn’t mind, maybe you could, um," Johnny cleared his throat nervously, "dress, and drive me home. I can come back for my car tomorrow morning."

"That would work, if my car wasn’t in the shop." Christy couldn’t believe this.

"Oh…yeah…that’s right." Johnny’s eyes darted as he tried to think. "Well, I’ll see you later then." He turned to leave when Christy stopped him.

"What are you going to do, walk home?" she asked in disbelief. She swore she recognized shades of that earlier macho nonsense resurfacing. ‘Just like a man,’ she thought, ‘to walk home in the middle of the night.’

"No, uh," Johnny looked at her with uncertain eyes, gesturing nervously with his hands. "I was…gonna sleep in my car, and maybe try to call someone in the morning to pick me up for work. That is, if it’s alright if it sits for a whole shift till I get back for it."

"Oh for heaven’s sake!" Christy exclaimed. "You can’t sleep in your car." She couldn’t believe he hadn’t asked the obvious. She couldn’t believe she was about to offer the obvious.

"Close the door, you can stay here," Christy offered in defeat. Raising her hand when an instant grin appeared on Johnny’s face, she continued, "on the couch!"

The grin withered into an embarrassed smile, as he nodded toward the sofa he’d been sitting on earlier.

"The couch…of course. It’s, um, not very long, I don’t know if.…"

"It pulls out," Christy explained, "and if you think you can help me here, we can get it made up for you."

Johnny set to work pulling out the sofabed, while Christy gathered sheets and a pillow. With the bed made up and ready to go, Christy excused herself. Johnny looked after her longingly as she closed her bedroom door behind her.

"Just my luck," he muttered to himself. "I’m spending the night with a beautiful chick and I’m stuck on the couch!"

Most sofabeds have the reputation of being uncomfortable, and this one was no exception. Johnny spent a fitful night on the thin, lumpy mattress. The dead of night turned into the wee hours of morning before total exhaustion claimed him, and he fell into a deep sleep.

Wakened by the full brilliance of the morning sun pouring in through the windows, Johnny sat up with a start. Looking around in bewilderment, he smiled when he remembered where he was. Groaning from aches suffered from the impossibly lumpy mattress, he scrunched back down under the covers. Rolling his head to stretch out the kinks, he smiled again as he remembered the guy who got stuck in his girlfriend’s sofabed.

‘How stupid can you be?’ thought Johnny. ‘I couldn’t get stuck in here if I TRIED!’

Curiosity getting the best of him, he started to wiggle around in the bed. Bouncing up and down and then slamming his legs against the mattress, he worked himself to see if he could budge the bed into moving even the slightest bit. Grunting in his own amusement, he gave his body one final wallop in the middle of the bed, when…

SNAP!

"Oomph!"

The sofa bounded and retracted, snapping back with a force that nearly knocked the wind out of him. Johnny’s eyes flew open as he tried to catch his breath.

"Oh no.…" he groaned. With only his right arm free, he pushed back on the mattress pressed up against his chest. Finding out quickly that he couldn’t get the advantage he needed to push it back into place, he began to panic.

"Oh NO!…Now calm down, just settle down here." He had used that line of conversation countless times on patients in the course of his career. Hearing it now made him realize just how futile it was to tell a person in a state of panic to calm down.

"Think, Gage, think!"

What he wanted to avoid, at all costs, was Christy coming into living room and finding him trapped like some wild animal in a snare, especially since she had accompanied them for that other ridiculous rescue. Forcing himself to take deep calming breaths, he tried again to force the stubborn hinges into giving way.

‘All you need is a few inches, Gage, and you can wiggle out of this infernal thing.’

Using all his might, he gave one final push, feeling a small give. Bracing the frame with one arm, he pulled his other arm free then tried to lift himself out of the contraption.

Wincing suddenly, he stopped when he realized his foot was hopelessly trapped somewhere deep within the recesses of the sofabed. Sighing in resignation, he knew that he had but one alternative.

"Uh, Christy?" he called out. When he heard no response, he called out a bit louder. "CHRISTY!"

Shifting as best as he could to gain some level of comfort, he was just about to call out again, when he heard movement from the other side of the bedroom door. Holding his breath, waiting for the inevitable, he looked up to see Christy standing in the doorway. She was wearing the same bathrobe from the night before, her mouth agape. Before Johnny could utter a word of explanation, she doubled over in laughter.

"Oh Gage! You didn’t!" Christy burst out between fits of laughter.

"It’s not what you think!" Johnny tried to defend himself.

"Oh, I think it’s exactly what I think! You were TRYING to get caught in that thing, weren’t you?" Christy laughed.

"Well, yeah, I mean no, but..." Johnny stammered. "You think you could stop laughing long enough to get over here and get me out of this thing?" He was quickly losing what little patience he had left.

Still giggling uncontrollably, Christy attempted to free her unexpected overnight guest of his self-imposed prison.

"Just wiggle the lever at the bottom," Johnny instructed. Christy grabbed hold of the bar and pushed it forward forcefully. The movement caused the bed to collapse even farther.

"Christy!" Johnny yelped. "You trying to suffocate me? I said WIGGLE the bar!"

"I can’t wiggle it, Gage!" Christy yelled back, no longer finding the situation quite as amusing. She had a man stuck in her apartment and she wanted him out of there. "It only goes one direction!"

"Well, don’t push it that way! It’s closing up on me here!" Johnny yelled in exasperation.

"Well, I can’t get it. What do you want me to do?" Christy asked, equally frustrated.

"I don’t know!" Johnny yelled. Sighing quietly, he repeated, "I don’t know."

Looking at the hapless Gage stuck in her sofabed, Christy felt a wave of sympathy for the next scene she knew had to take place.

"Let me call the station," Christy offered.

"NO!" Johnny shouted. Suddenly, a thought occurred to him. "Wait a minute, C-shift is on duty yet," he pondered.

"I’m afraid not, John, it’s after eight already," Christy informed him.

"It’s WHAT? What time did you say it was?" Johnny looked around frantically for a wall clock and when he saw that it was indeed a few minutes after his shift was supposed to begin, he flipped his head back towards Christy. "Why didn’t you wake me up? I thought you had to be up early!"

Knowing her lie had caught up with her, Christy winced, offering nothing more than a smile in apology.

"You LIED?" Johnny wailed unbelieving. "You didn’t have to get up early?"

"I always get up early. I just figured I’d be awake by the time you needed to get up, so.…"

"So you never set your alarm." Johnny finished her sentence for her, adding, "Just like a woman."

"A ‘woman’ never would have TRIED to get herself caught in a BED!" Christy protested loudly.

"I’m stuck in a sofabed AND I’m late for work." Johnny closed his eyes and wished the darned thing would just swallow him whole already. Not only had his pride been damaged beyond repair, but also his foot had fallen asleep from being crimped between the metal framing of the bed.

Knowing one of them had to settle themselves down and think like a rational human being, Christy took a deep breath. Besides, they were getting nowhere with their current plight.

"Look, just let me call someone! You can’t stay here all day," Christy reasoned.

"Don’t be too sure about that. It’s beginning to sound like a good idea." Johnny groaned inwardly at the very thought of his own station called in on this rescue.

"Oh honestly, just let me call," she offered again.

"Kind of hard to do with no phone, don’t you think?" Johnny shot back.

"Oh, that’s right." Christy had forgotten about her non-working phone line. Optimism growing, she said cheerfully, "Maybe it’s fixed by now."

"I wouldn’t count on it," Johnny hoped. He was dead serious about staying stuck in that bed all day. The alternative was definitely less appealing. Before he could protest any further, Christy had picked up the phone to dial dispatch. From the instant smile on her face, he knew she was getting through. Laying his head on the back of the couch, he braced himself for what he knew was about to unfold.

Ten minutes later, the sound of sirens wailed outside of Christy’s apartment building. Johnny sighed aloud when he heard the unmistakable sound of both a squad and an engine.

‘Bit of an overkill,’ he thought blandly to himself. ‘Please, Cap, if that’s you, make Chet stay outside,’ he pleaded silently.

When the knock came at the door, Johnny braced himself. Christy opened the door to a concerned-looking Roy, Dwyer, and Captain Stanley. Saying a silent prayer of thanks for his captain’s decision for making Chet stay outside, Johnny was grateful for any small favor at this point. The initial looks of concern on the three men’s faces quickly gave way to surprised looks of amusement when they saw the emergency at hand.

"Well, Johnny, what have we have here?" Roy asked haltingly, between giggles.

"Just, DON’T.…" warned Johnny vehemently.

"Gage...how in the world…." Cap tried to retain some sense of professionalism but could no longer control himself. A deep-seated laughter erupted from the normally composed Captain.

"Uh, guys?" Johnny broke in impatiently. "Do you think you could do something besides just stand there and LAUGH AT ME? My foot’s lost all feeling already."

"Uh, sure, Johnny," Dwyer answered uncertainly. He wasn’t sure what the story behind the laughter was, besides the obvious current dilemma, but he was just as sure there was a story. "Roy? Want to help me out here?"

Roy, forcing himself to control his own laughter, came over to Johnny’s aid. As he leaned in closer, Johnny whispered angrily, "Why’d the engine have to respond?"

"That was my call, John." Cap overheard John’s angered whispers and answered for Roy. "All we got from the report was that you were trapped, and, well, knowing you…." Cap stopped there, unable to explain further for fear of breaking into another fit of laughter.

"Johnny, try to sit up a little further," Dwyer instructed.

"I TRIED that already!" Johnny answered with irritation. "I can’t. My foot’s stuck, and this dumb thing is suffocating me!"

"Calm down, Johnny," Roy instructed. "We’ll have you out of here in no time." Grabbing the lever that Christy had been fiddling with, he pushed it forward, only to be met with Johnny’s screams.

"STOP THAT!"

"Sorry," Roy apologized, "but it worked last time."

"Last time?" Dwyer asked in all interest. ‘There WAS more to this story!’ he mused to himself.

"Roy!" Johnny glared at his partner, throwing threatening looks his way.

"Long story," Roy explained, without explaining, to Dwyer.

"I’m sure," Dwyer smiled. If nothing else, this incident alone was enough to entertain his own crew on his next regular shift.

"Well, Roy? Can you get this thing open?" Cap had calmed down considerably, in light of the fact that this call was taking much more time than he had anticipated.

"It seems to be pretty jammed, Cap," Roy contemplated. "I’m not sure we can get it open without actually, um, hurting the victim further. We’ll need to get some equipment from the squad to take the couch apart."

"Now WAIT a minute!" Christy, who up until now had been quietly watching, protested. "That’s MY couch, and you’re not taking anything apart!"

Johnny groaned. "You mean you can’t just FORCE it open?"

"We tried that already Johnny. It’s stuck." Dwyer was beginning to feel some real sympathy for the plight-ridden Gage. This was going to be a real tough one to live down, especially within a fire department.

"Sorry, Christy, looks like it’s the only way. Dwyer, go get what you need from the squad. Have Chet come back up with you," Cap ordered.

"NO! Not Chet!" Johnny fairly screamed. "Get Marco, or Mike. ANYONE but Chet!"

Under normal circumstances, Cap would never have allowed one of his men to countermand one of his orders. Taking into consideration that this situation was anything but normal, he decided to ignore Johnny’s outburst.

"Cap, I think we can get it with just the three of us, if I can just get some equipment," Dwyer volunteered.

Mulling over Dwyer’s suggestion, Cap nodded his approval, and Dwyer took off for the squad. A wave of relief flooded over Johnny’s face with the change in orders.

"Typical masculine ineptitude," Christy muttered quietly to herself. Only a man could get himself into this type of situation, she thought, glaring at the man stuck in her sofa.

One prybar, one set of cutters, and several removed bolts later, the unwitting victim was freed from the man-eating sofabed. When Roy examined his swollen ankle, Johnny pulled back a little and winced.

"Just get me out of here," he said in disgust. Johnny didn’t even care that once the bed had been pulled back it revealed that he was wearing nothing but his boxers.

"John, you need to have that ankle looked at," Cap ordered.

"I just want to get in my car and.…" Johnny stopped when he remembered why he was in that bed in the first place. "My car won’t start," he sighed heavily.

"Cap, we can run him by Rampart in the squad if it’s alright with you," Roy offered. Johnny’s ankle was red and swollen and the humor of the situation had dissipated.

Cap contemplated the matter for only a minute before agreeing to Roy’s plan. He called in the engine as available, released Gage of duty for this shift and offered the overtime to Dwyer, who readily agreed. He then left his two working paramedics to tend to their victim. All the while, he wondered what he was going to say to the rest of the crew waiting anxiously outside for word on Gage.

Gathering his clothes together, Johnny couldn’t dress quickly enough. Carrying his unworn shoe in one hand, he put his other arm over Roy’s shoulder for support and hobbled to the door.

"Uh, Christy?" Johnny turned and looked up at her with hopeful eyes, only to have those hopes dashed when he recognized the familiar face she’d worn when she first came into the station a week earlier.

"It’s been ‘real’, Johnny. Please, don’t trip on your way out the door. One rescue a day in my own apartment is about all I can handle." She stood with her arms folded in a way that said she’d seen the last of him.

As the three men made their way to the squad, Johnny made a vow…

"I tell ya’, Roy, I’m NEVER again going to make fun of people getting themselves into stupid situations!"

"Sure you will, Johnny," Roy contradicted with a smile. "Sure you will."
 

 Guest Dispatchers           Stories by Dianne Bay