Fine

John Gage walked into the locker room at Station 51 without his usual bounce and Roy groaned inwardly knowing that it probably would mean a long day for him.

Trying to force some cheeriness, he spoke to his friend. “Hey, Johnny. How was your date with Carol the other night?”

Johnny shook his head. “Ya know, Roy, I don’t think I’ll ever figure women out,” he replied as he sat down on the bench in front of his locker.

“What’d you do now, Gage?” Chet piped in as he came into the room. He’d heard Johnny’s comment and couldn’t resist needling him a bit.

Johnny threw his hands up in disgust. “That’s just it. I don’t know.”

Roy smothered a smile but Chet didn’t attempt to hide his amusement. “You don’t know? That’s a good one, Gage.”

Roy took pity on his partner. “Tell us what happened, Johnny.”

Johnny slowly unbuttoned his shirt as he relayed the story to his shift mates. Marco and Mike had entered the locker room at this point and listened as Johnny described his afternoon hike with Carol. So far, no one had heard anything that would point to problems with the date. Cap put his head in the door to announce roll call but one look at his crew’s faces told him this was a story he didn’t want to miss.

“So, we’re on our way back and I don’t really want the date to end and I don’t think she does either,” he said splaying his hand across his chest as he emphasized the word “I”. “So, I ask her if she’s hungry and would she like to go to Mario’s for pizza.” Johnny looked at his friends.

“She got mad at you for that,” Roy asked incredulously, but Johnny shook his head. “No, at least I don’t think so. She said sure but she needed to go home and change, but I told her she looked fine …”

Cap groaned along with Roy.

“What,” Johnny asked.

“John, you committed a sin,” Cap replied.

“What sin? What are you talking about?”

“Gage, man, haven’t you learned anything yet? Even I know better than that,” Chet said shaking his head.

“Better than what?” Johnny had no idea what they were talking about.

Roy placed his hand on Johnny’s shoulder and looked him in the eye. “You said the “F” word,” he told him.

Johnny got indignant. “I did not. I would never use that word in front of a woman.”

Mike tried to get Johnny to understand. “Not that “F” word, Johnny. The other one.”

Johnny was still confused. “What other “F” word is there?”

Everyone said it at once. “FINE”

“Fine,” Johnny repeated. “What’s the matter with saying fine?”

Cap took pity on his man. “John, you never use the word fine when a woman asks you how she looks. You use words like beautiful, gorgeous.”

“Besides, Johnny, that’s their word,” Roy added.

“Their word?”

“Yeah, like if Joanne and I are having an argument and she thinks she’s right and doesn’t want to argue anymore, she’ll say fine and that’s my cue to shut up.”

Johnny’s mouth dropped open at Roy’s revelation.

“I suppose we should give you a few other pointers that you should be aware of while we’re at it,” Mike interjected.

“Women and men don’t use the same dictionary, Johnny,” Marco added. “I learned that quickly growing up with so many sisters. For instance, if my sister says she’ll be ready in “five minutes”, she really means a half an hour.”

“A half an hour,” Johnny said surprised.

“And the word “nothing” is really something. If she says nothing is wrong then you better believe that something is most definitely wrong,” Cap added.

“And don’t forget that if she says “Go ahead”, this is not permission to do something but rather a dare,” Roy piped in.

“If you mistake it for permission, she’ll get upset over "nothing" and you'll have a "five-minute" discussion that will end with the word "fine”, Mike said with a shake of his head. He hadn’t been married long before he found that out the hard way.

“I’m gonna have to get me a new dictionary,” Johnny said with a smile as he stood up.

“Wait,” Chet said pushing him back down on the bench. “There’s more.”

“More? Isn’t that enough?”

“Trust me,” Roy said. “It’s never enough.”

“Well what else should I know?”

“First, there’s the sigh,” Roy told him.

“But there’s two kinds,” Cap added quickly. “There’s the loud sigh which is not actually a word. A loud sigh means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "nothing"!”

Then there’s the soft sigh,” Mike interjected. “Again, not a word, but a statement. Soft sighs are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.”

Marco snapped his fingers. “Don’t forget about “Oh...”. Johnny, if you hear this word followed by any statement you are in big trouble. For example, "Oh, I spoke to him about what you were up to last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, just run - do not walk! She will tell you that she is "fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days.”

Johnny looked completely bewildered. “No wonder I’m having so much trouble with the dating scene. I have no clue what women are talking about.” The other men all shook their heads and Johnny looked at Chet. “I can see how Marco learned all this growing up with a bunch of women, but how’d you figure it out?”

“My dad gave me a list on my sixteenth birthday,” Chet said with twinkle in his eye and a smile. “Best gift he could have given me.”

Johnny looked up at his friends. “Is that all?”

“No there’s more,” Roy said sitting down next to his friend. “That's Okay” is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. "That's okay" is often used in conjunction with the word "fine" and a raised eyebrow. "Go ahead". Don't be fooled, once she has had time to plan it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.”

“Wait,” Mike interjected. “I don’t think we mentioned the raised eyebrow.” He looked to the others for confirmation before explaining.

Johnny raised his own eyebrows.

“That’s good,” Mike said with a smile, “but not what I’m talking about. The raised eyebrow goes along with “Go Ahead” and confirms that it’s a dare. If you don’t get the raised eyebrow, it means she’s giving up and doesn’t care what you do.”

Cap came around propped his leg up on the other side of the bench. “Now John, listen up because this is important. “Please Do” is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done.”

Johnny looked up at him hopefully but Cap held up his hand. “It only means that it’s a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. But if you handle this correctly, you shouldn't get a "That's okay."

Roy decided to finish of the list for his friend. “There are two different ways a woman will say thank you. There is “thanks” which means that she is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for hidden meaning. Just say "you're welcome". Then there’s “thanks a lot” which is dramatically different from "thanks" and the two should never be confused. A woman will say "thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the "loud sigh". This signifies that you have hurt her in some way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "loud sigh," because she will only tell you "nothing".

Johnny’s eyes lit up. “Carol said “thanks a lot” after I told her she looked “fine”. Then she sighed, rather loudly too, and decided she didn’t want pizza after all. And when I asked what was wrong, she said “nothing” so I took her home. She hasn’t answered my calls since.”

Thanks to his friends, Johnny finally understood what had gone wrong on his date.

Stories By Terribv Guest Dispatchers