Holding On
Part 3
“Good Lord,” Hank Stanley voiced out loud as Mike Stoker drove the engine up along the side of the freeway to the disastrous scene. Due to the concrete barrier dividing the eight-lane freeway, they’d had to drive down from the station to the nearest on ramp below the accident scene in order to be able to approach it from the same side it occurred on. Mike used the shoulder to avoid all the backed up traffic still stuck behind the wrecked vehicles.
The captain had felt an uneasiness when the call came in. He knew his paramedics already reported in as available, and yet they weren’t sent to the scene as well. His fears were confirmed when he saw the damaged squad right in the mix of things. A little relief came when he noticed Roy standing near one of the wrecked cars, apparently okay enough to try to help another victim.
As Mike brought the engine to a stop, both he and Captain Stanley took note of the crumpled metal in places on the right side compartments of the squad.
“Looks like they took quite a hit on that side,” the engineer stated, worry in his voice.
“I wonder where John is?” Hank questioned as he quickly climbed out, the other crew members immediately following suit.
In the meantime, Rescue Squad 18 pulled up to the scene, Engine 18 directly behind it.
Seeing his shiftmates, Roy waved them over, a hand going to his sore side in the process. He was very relieved to have help arrive.
“What’ve you got, Roy?” Hank asked.
“Cap, we’re gonna need more paramedics. . .18’s isn’t gonna be enough.”
He nodded and put the HT up to his mouth, requesting another squad to the location, taking in the scene around him in the process. “What the hell happened?” he asked just after completing his transmission on the radio “And where’s John?”
“I’m still finding out exactly. . . myself. Johnny’s over there,” Roy motioned with a wince. “He’s trying to comfort a little. . .a little girl who was thrown from. . . one of the cars and making sure her mother. . . is really okay.”
The expression on Hank’s face darkened.
“It’s not like it was with Shannon Cooper,” Roy assured. “But she needs treatment, and I couldn’t. . . get to our supplies, even with the pry bar.” He looked over at the other victims here and there. “Almost everyone’s got some sort of injury; . . .anything from a split lip. . . to something more serious. . . .but none appear to be life-threatening.”
The men from Station 18 were trotting over to the where 51’s crew stood when Hank called out to them, “I’ve requested another squad to assist. We’ve got an injured child over there with Gage and possibly her mother’s in need of treatment as well. We’ve also got numerous victims near and in the other vehicles involved.”
One of the paramedics started to where Johnny was still hidden behind onlookers, while the other continued to approach the men from 51, who were near two of the wrecked vehicles.
“Marco, see if you can get the compartments open. Maybe you’ll have more leverage,” Hank said, thinking about Roy’s reactions to the pain when ever the senior paramedic moved. Chances were, he couldn’t put as much muscle into it as he normally would, thus wasn’t able to force them open.
The captain looked at Roy with concern, noting the partially dried blood on the side of his face. “How bad are you hurt?”
“I’m okay. Just hit my head. . .and my right side.”
“Why don’t you sit down somewhere till someone takes a look at you.”
“Cap--”
“No arguing. You’re in no shape to be running around.” He once again glanced in the direction of his younger paramedic. “Is John injured?”
“He seemed out of it at first. . . and he fell when he got out of the squad,. . . but he says he’s okay.”
“Yeah, well, he’s not exactly known for admitting when he’s hurt.” The captain looked at Chet. “Go see how John is doing and if he needs to be relieved from duty.”
“Right, Cap.”
As Chet took off in a trot, Marco was met with success in getting the squad compartments open. He gave a wave as he hollered to Captain Stanley and Roy, who were still several feet away.
“C’mon, let’s get you cleaned up a bit.”
Roy reluctantly followed Hank, who was already telling Marco to go assist the men from Station 18 with the other victims. The fireman immediately joined Mike in assisting, the captain from that station overseeing and helping the men while Hank tended to Roy.
A couple of police officers on the scene re-routed the backed up traffic, making the right shoulder of the freeway ahead a lane for them to get by on. It was going to be a very slow process, but until the wrecked vehicles were moved, the shattered glass and other debris cleaned up, and oil washed down, it was a necessity.
~*~*~
Chet came up on Johnny soon after Tom Blanchard, the paramedic from Squad 18. He started to say something but stopped as he took in Gage’s lack of reaction to them; Johnny was back to holding the girl’s hand.
“How are they?” Tom was asking for a second time. But Johnny didn’t answer like either man was used to; he normally would have been rattling off vital signs and any injury descriptions. Blanchard leaned in closer. “Gage, how’s the girl?”
Johnny looked at him and then around as if just figuring out where he was. Without a word he reluctantly let go of her hand, then stood up, grimacing at the pain in his knee.
He quickly gave the numbers on her pulse and respirations before adding, “She’s shocky; she’s suffered quite a bit of road rash. They’ll have to irrigate it at Rampart. But overall she was lucky. There doesn’t seem to be any life threatening injuries. Her mom seems to be okay. Pulse and respirations are within limits. There’s no rigidity to her abdomen, but she’s probably going to have one hell of a bruise from her seatbelt. . .” he trailed off, recalling how the mother had explained that she’d made sure Julie was secure with a seatbelt herself, but the child unfastened it sometime during the drive. She realized after the accident that she should've made sure Julie fastened it back up as soon as she could tell it wasn't in use. Another 'should have' that proved to be all too important.
Blanchard nodded and wrote down the information before relaying it to his partner over the HT.
“You okay to stay here?” he asked Johnny when he was done.
“Yeah,” came the answer as Gage carefully knelt back down. The extra effort wasn’t lost on Blanchard or Chet, who had his mouth open, ready to protest Johnny’s decision.
“You need me to take a look at you?”
“No. . .I’m okay,” Johnny assured. “I’m sure there’s others that need help though.”
“Okay, one of our guys is gonna be bringing over a c-collar, backboard and whatever else Rampart recommends for treatment of the girl. Just keep her still for now.”
Johnny nodded without looking up at the man.
Chet followed Blanchard a short distance, then reached out with one hand, stopping the paramedic as he grabbed his upper arm. “You sure it’s a good idea to leave him without checking him over first?” he asked, motioning toward Gage.
“He says he’s fine to take care of the kid. I’ll take a look at him after I see what we’ve got going with the other victims.”
Chet eyed his shiftmate as Tom hurried on. Johnny did seem to be doing okay. He was in full paramedic mode and apparently handling the situation like he would any other time.
Except any other time he would have gotten this kid and her mom situated and moved on to another victim in case anyone was hurt worse, Chet reminded himself.
Deciding he wouldn’t win an argument with Gage at the moment anyway, the fireman trotted off to report to his captain.
~*~*~
Hank Stanley carefully dabbed at the wound on Roy’s head with a sterile alcohol wipe, eliciting an occasional wince from the man. He’d had Roy lay on a yellow blanket on the ground near Squad 51, where they’d be able to use the equipment and could still see most of what was going on at the other wrecked vehicles.
Having contacted Rampart and given a brief rundown on Roy’s condition, the captain was directed on what to do for his head wound and to wrap Roy’s ribs; also put him on oxygen. Remembering when his younger paramedic had to do the same, he watched as DeSoto gave himself an IV.
“You still feeling dizzy?’ Hank asked.
“A little. . . kind of nauseous,” he answered, his voice somewhat muffled from the oxygen mask. “Maybe I should’ve stayed busy. . . and not thought about it.”
The captain shook his head. “I wouldn’t want to risk a more severe injury for you with all the moving around. You’ve probably done enough of that already.”
The thought of keeping busy and ignoring symptoms brought Roy’s mind back to Johnny. What took place inside the cab of their truck right after the accident was an indication that something was very wrong with the younger man. Johnny may not appreciate it, but he had to let the Captain Stanley know.
“I think something’s. . . going on with Johnny,” he blurted out as he looked at Hank, trying to gauge his reaction.
“So he did get hurt.”
“No. Well, maybe. But I mean beside. . .beside from the accident.”
Hank furrowed his brow.
Roy saw there was no backing out of it now. He’d opened his mouth and was going to have to finish what he started.
I hope you understand why I had to do this, partner. It’s for your own good.
He sighed and lifted the mask, half wishing he’d waited to talk to Johnny first. “When he was dazed, it wasn’t like he’s. . .been before with a concussion. More like he was miles away. . . focused on something else rather than just. . .just being out of it. And when he looked at the door of the car. . . hanging open, he kinda snapped.”
“You think it’s got anything to do with last shift and the Cooper girl?”
“I don’t know. He said he was fine; that he was past the loss.” Roy replaced the oxygen mask over his nose and mouth.
Hank chewed his lower lip a moment in thought, then glanced over where he could see Chet coming their way without the younger paramedic.
“Where’s John?” he called out.
Chet put up a hand till he got to them where he wouldn’t have to yell. “He seems okay, Cap; you’d never know he was just in an accident by looking at him, except one leg is bothering him. Blanchard said he’d check him over later. But there’s just one thing. . . .”
“What’s that?”
“The girl doesn’t have any life threatening injuries; neither does her mom. But Gage sent Tom on his way to help other victims. If that’s the case with them, why didn’t Johnny move on to the others himself? Normally he’d be making sure everyone was okay.”
Roy gave a puzzled look toward the small crowd blocking the view of his partner as Hank glanced from Chet to Roy.
The senior paramedic didn’t know what to say. Was treating the girl what Johnny needed to make up for the death of Shannon? Or was it something else?
The sound of a siren as Squad 36 approached interrupted his thoughts.
~*~*~
As soon as Squad 36 had arrived on the scene, Hank sent one of the paramedics over to assist Johnny, also asking that he take a look at his paramedic as well. The other medic made sure Roy was doing okay, then headed over to assist with more victims that hadn’t been transported yet.
Carrying his biophone, drug and trauma boxes, Jerry Taggart made it over to Gage and his victims as an ambulance stopped nearby. The attendants quickly unloaded the stretcher just as Johnny had Julie ready to transport, with the plan of her mother being taken in for further examination as well.
Gage glanced at Taggart, knowing in his gut he was there for more than just Julie and her mom. And he was certain as to who’d sent him over. He was determined to just carry on in his usual manner.
“Help me get her on the stretcher.”
The paramedic from 36 set down his equipment and complied. As they worked to secure her in place, he addressed Johnny.
“Captain Stanley wants you to get checked out.”
“I will,” the dark-haired paramedic stated as he tucked Julie’s IV under her right shoulder. “Let’s get her in,” he said to the attendants, still assisting as well.
“Gage, he meant now.”
“I’m fine.”
Taggart took in Johnny’s limp as he favored his right leg. “Is that why you’re hobbling around?”
“I’m not hobbling.” Once they had Julie in the ambulance the mother was helped in by one of the ambulance attendants as the two paramedics continued to talk. “My knee’s a little sore, that’s all.”
Taggart nodded his head. “Then it needs to be looked at.”
“At Rampart. I’ve gotta go in with these two.”
“John--”
“You know the rules. . .Cap does too. Once an IV is started, a paramedic is required to ride along for a follow up.”
“A paramedic. That’s the key. Besides, what if something starts to bother you from the accident while you’re transporting? How’s that going to help anyone? Plus, you don’t have all the equipment you need to take along.” He motioned toward the supplies he’d brought over. “I do.”
Johnny gave it more thought. As much as he hated to admit it, Jerry was right. He wouldn’t be doing himself or Julie and her mom any favors by going with them in the ambulance. And truth was, Captain Stanley would ring his neck if he did.
“Okay,” he gave in, not sounding very convincing that he was happy with the decision.
Jerry sighed. “What’s with you, anyway? Do you know these two personally or something?”
“No, I. . .” Johnny glanced upward and then around, not sure how much to say. He wasn’t a close friend with Taggart; only knew him briefly. If he was going to spill his guts out, he preferred to be to Roy. Roy! A sudden sick feeling came over the paramedic, his features displaying alarm. He’d been so wrapped up taking care of Julie and her mom, that he’d forgotten about his injured partner.
Noticing the sudden change in expression on Johnny’s face, Jerry became alarmed as well. His concern was more so for Gage and thinking it was to do with his possible injuries. “What is it?”
“Roy. Do you know how Roy is? If he’s really okay?”
“He’s fine. Captain Stanley made sure he got off his feet and he should be on his way to Rampart soon himself,” he said noting the two additional ambulances arriving on the scene. He could see Gage immediately relax somewhat. “Let’s go and I’ll check you out on the way in,” he said as he bent over and reached for his equipment. Taggart walked over and placed it in the rear of the ambulance. “I’ll let the others know what we’re doing,” he said as he brought his HT up to his mouth. He then proceeded to call Captain Stanley and fill him in.
Johnny wanted to talk to his captain and Roy, but with things winding down and the adrenaline wearing off, he had to admit the effects from the accident were starting to catch up to him even more so than before. He decided he’d better climb into the ambulance while he still could; except he was finding that difficult as well. Jerry shook his head as he finished his transmission.
“Okay, my ass,” he said as he waved an attendant over to assist him in helping Johnny into the ambulance. Johnny then sat on the bench across from Julie’s mom, avoiding eye contact with her as he didn’t want her to know he’d sacrificed his own well-being for theirs.
~*~*~
Hank watched as the crowd of onlookers that had been near Julie cleared, and he could see his paramedic being helped into the ambulance. As much as it worried him, it was also a relief. Gage was in good hands with Taggart.
“Well, John’s on his way in, you’re next,” he said to Roy. With one of the other victims already being situated in a nearby ambulance, he got out the stretcher from Squad 51 for use in carrying Roy over once he had assistance.
“Cap, one of us needs to talk to Johnny before we say anything about his odd behavior to anyone at Rampart. I think it’d be better.”
Hank nodded as he laid the stretcher on the ground. “I know.”
~*~*~
After making sure Julie and her mother were both still doing okay, Taggart sat on the bench beside Johnny. Pulling the scissors out of his belt pouch, he leaned forward and cut open the dark-haired paramedic’s right trouser leg to a couple of inches above the knee.
“Still real sore?”
Johnny slowly nodded, but kept his eyes averted. Now that they were on their way to Rampart and Julie was going to be in a doctor’s care soon, the paramedic’s mind was back on Lisa and Shannon. If only they’d been able to make it that far. . .he closed his eyes a moment, only to see the image of his sister’s lifeless face looking up at him.
Unaware of Gage’s mindset, Taggart’s concern was on the severe bruising that had already taken place to the outer side and cap of Johnny’s knee. Fortunately there wasn’t much swelling, which provided for some relief. It could’ve been a lot worse. . .
“You hurt anywhere else?” he asked as he examined the knee.
“No, I’m okay,” came a barely audible reply. His headache had increased, but for the moment he didn’t care.
Johnny didn’t sound quite ‘okay’ to Jerry. But being that he couldn’t put his finger on why that might be without Gage’s cooperation, he decided he’d just have to report the knee injury and vital signs, as soon as he had them, to Rampart; he knew the doctors would be able to figure out if there was more going on once they had the wounded paramedic in their care.
~*~*~
Johnny swallowed hard as he felt a lump in his throat. His feelings regarding his sister’s death had intensified during the ride in the ambulance and his emotions once again caught him off guard. It had been so many years since Lisa died. But now it was fresh in his mind like it had happened the day before. With his eyes still averted, he stared without focusing on anything in particular as the image of her crumpled body on the pavement stayed in his mind.
Having finished with Johnny for the time being, and making sure Julie’s condition still hadn’t worsened, Jerry once again sat across from the other paramedic while he checked out the mother’s well-being as they pulled into the lot at Rampart. He glanced over at Gage, noticing he appeared to be zoned out, his eyes red-rimmed and watery.
“Johnny. . .” Taggart was taken aback at the sad expression on the paramedic’s face.
“Is he okay?” Julie’s mom asked.
“I don’t know.” The paramedic from 36’s carefully stepped over to Johnny as the ambulance came to a stop outside the entrance to the ER. When the doors opened, he had to gently push 51’s paramedic back down to keep him seated.
“I gotta help. . .”
“You’re going in in a wheelchair just as soon as we get these two out,” he said motioning toward the other two victims. “Don’t worry. You did your part. Besides,” he added, motioning toward the other paramedic’s left arm, “You’ve got an IV in your arm. You can’t do much with that there.”
Johnny glanced at his arm, surprised at himself that he’d forgotten about the IV. He didn’t reply, but rather closed his eyes and rested his head against the wall of the ambulance. He was starting to feel woozy.
~*~*~
Dixie brought the wheelchair out to the ambulance as Johnny was being helped down by Taggart and an orderly, the edge of his IV bag carefully held in Jerry’s teeth. The head nurse frowned at the degree of instability in the patient.
“He said he wasn’t hurting anywhere else, but I think he was leaving out a few details,” Jerry stated as he held the IV bag up with his hand while they got Gage situated.
Roy was being unloaded from the ambulance that had just backed in beside theirs. He glanced over at his partner, added concern on his face as he was placed on a wheeled stretcher. Johnny seemed to be doing better than him right after the accident, but the younger man’s outward appearance had deteriorated a great deal since the two spoke at the scene. He almost looked sick to his stomach. But before Roy had a chance to ask Taggart any questions, Johnny and the others were gone, already inside and on their way to another treatment room.
I hope the girl didn’t take a turn for the worse. . .that’s the last thing he needs after the Cooper incident.
~*~*~
Joe Early was in Treatment Room Four taking care of a patient with minor injuries when Johnny was wheeled in. With more victims than usual coming in due to the multi-car accident, along with other mishaps here and there in the area, some of the patients were being doubled up in the treatment rooms.
“Get him on the table,” he said to Taggart and the orderly, motioning to a stretcher that was set up for use as a second exam table. The two helped Johnny to his feet.
“I can make it,” Gage quietly spoke.
“I don’t think--”
But before Jerry could finish his sentence, Johnny shrugged both helpers off and reached for the make-shift table, almost pulling out his IV that was still in Jerry’s hand.
“John Gage, don’t you dare get up on there by yourself,” Dixie warned firmly, her arms folded across her chest.
Knowing the head nurse would not appreciate him ignoring her words, Johnny figured he was better off letting anyone who wanted to help him do so. If he fell off the table trying to get up on it, she’d never let him forget about it. He simply sighed and accepted Taggart and the orderly’s assistance.
Once up, Johnny lay down and groaned as he put his right forearm across his eyes to block out the lights overhead. Though he’d managed to keep his emotions intact, his eyes were tired from the tears that had welled up in them earlier and the headache wasn’t helping matters.
Finished with his other patient, Doctor Early joined them as another nurse assisting took over with the first one.
“How’s he doing?”
“I’m fine,” Johnny stated, his eyes still covered.
“Well, let’s let Jerry give his opinion too.”
“He’s got a lot of bruising on his right knee. Not much swelling. Vitals are normal.”
Johnny lifted his arm and looked toward the doctor, his right hand up above to shield his eyes from the brightness of the lights. “See?”
Early scrutinized the gesture. “Do the lights bother you?”
“Kinda. . .” he saw the doctor waiting for more of an answer. “Okay, they do. Yeah, they do.”
“You have a headache at all?” Early asked as he gently felt Johnny’s scalp.
“Yeah,” he gave in.
“You’ve got a small lump on the right side of your head. You must’ve hit it during the accident.”
“I did, but really, Doc, it’s just a headache. I’m okay. Just put me in a room for observation after you look at my knee. I don’t care. I just. . . ”
“Just what?”
“Can we talk about this later?” he asked, wincing.
“You know sensitivity to light is another symptom of a concussion.”
“It’s not why their botherin’ me, Doc,” he stated with annoyance. His eyes watered again as he tried to explain. “It’s my sis--” He stopped as his voice went to a whisper, a slight crack in it. Johnny felt a hollowness in his chest as he once again thought about the loss years ago.
Jerry, Dixie and Joe exchanged puzzled glances before the doctor asked, “One of the victims you were taking care of was your sister?”
The dark-haired paramedic shook his head, regretting it afterward. He knew he had at least a slight concussion. He felt even woozier after moving his head like he had and his headache had gotten worse. But he also knew he had to explain or they’d attribute confusion to a concussion as well, possibly leading them to believe it was more severe than it actually was.
“Look, I’ll explain later. I need time.” His voice was still a husky whisper.
“Okay,” Early conceded. “You’ve got it, but I want to know exactly what’s going on with you before I leave tonight.” He looked over at the head nurse, the two making eye contact. Jerry was still looking at Johnny, wondering what his sister had to do with any of what happened. But he knew he’d have to wait as well. Chances were he’d be one of the last to find out.
The doctor went on to remove the wrap on Johnny’s knee and carefully examined it. “I’m going to order a full skull series; I’m also going to have X-ray take a few pictures of this knee to make sure nothing is going on inside. But it looks like it may just have deep bruising. You’re lucky.”
“Yeah, lucky,” Johnny mumbled under his breath. He then recalled someone who apparently hadn’t been as lucky as he was in the accident. “Hey, can you find out how Roy is?”
“Sure. As soon as we’re done here.”
“Thanks.” He placed his right forearm over his eyes again.
After Dixie finished her call to X-ray, Early stepped over beside her.
“I wonder if Roy knows anything about Johnny’s sister. . .”
“That’s a good question, Dix.”
Without another word, the nurse was on her way to find the other paramedic.
~*~*~
Doctor Brackett looked up from examining the cut on Roy’s head when Dixie quietly peeked inside the doorway of Treatment Room Two.
“Hey, Dix. How’s our other paramedic doing?”
Roy moved his head slightly to see the head nurse. With her eyes still on the doctor, Dixie answered, “Not as fine as he seems to want to think he is, but it could have been a lot worse.”
Brackett nodded knowingly. “I take it Johnny’s being his stubborn self.”
“You could say that. Only there’s a little more to it.”
“Oh?”
She stepped closer to the exam table and eyed Roy. “You wouldn’t happen to know anything about Johnny having a sister would you?”
“Sister?” He considered the question in his weary mind, carefully thinking back to anything that his partner may have said along those lines. Nothing surfaced. Roy shook his head slightly. “No.”
“What’s this about, Dix?” the doctor wondered, his brow furrowed.
“I’m not sure. But Johnny seems visibly affected by something and it sounded like he started to mention a sister. Whatever it is, he can’t talk about it right now.”
Roy looked on in thought. For the moment he couldn’t tie everything together. He wasn’t thinking clear enough. But he suddenly wished he could have some time alone with his partner.
~*~*~
After X-ray was done, Johnny laid waiting for Doctor Early and Dixie to return. Jerry Taggart had been summoned out by his partner for another call before the technicians arrived.
With time alone, Gage once again found himself thinking about his sister, the past events clear in his mind despite still having a massive headache.
Why did all this surface now? I’ve been on other rescues involving kids in traffic accidents; and different incidents that resulted in fatalities. But it’s never brought the grief back like this. . .
Johnny sighed as he recalled how agonizing it was the first several months after Lisa died. His father had told him again and again not to carry any guilt with him. . .but Johnny found it tough not to. For awhile he did blame himself, even when his father explained to him that they should’ve checked to make sure the door was secure in the first place. That it wasn’t his responsibility and they would never shirk theirs off on him. He’d wanted to be mad at his parents for the loss of Lisa; to blame someone else but himself. But admitting that would mean that the people he believed were infallible, weren’t; the ones he trusted most to keep him safe might not be able to when he needed them most.
Maybe that’s what it’s about now. . .maybe I’m mad at them for not keeping Lisa safe. . . for letting her down. . .letting us *both* down. . .
He couldn’t get angry at them before. He’d seen what her death did to them. A father who had said tears were for sissies sobbed openly at times when he didn’t realize his son was standing outside the room he was in; a mother who was so consumed with grief, that for the first few months she seemed numb to everything else.
He knew Dixie was right when she’d said that the loss of a child often caused a couple to split. His parents had come very close to it. But fortunately, they were able to work through the strained relationship and stay together even when his mother suffered two miscarriages when they tried to have more children.
The idea of a new brother or sister made him want to have Lisa back that much more. He didn’t want to play with someone he didn’t already know. He wanted her back. He didn’t understand why they would think a stranger could replace her and everything would be okay again.
Johnny recalled how he would be playing in his room or out in the yard by himself, and suddenly his own grief for Lisa would overwhelm him and hit him like a tidal wave. He just ached for another chance to give his little sister a hug when she was scared or act goofy to make her laugh when she was crying over something like a broken doll. The pain in his gut would often be so intense, he’d curl up in a ball and close his eyes till it left.
And then there was the house fire that claimed his parents when he was a teenager and was spending the night at a cousin’s. When he’d gotten the news, he was devastated. Once again people he’d really cared about were ripped away from him with no warning; with no chance to say goodbye. He’d gone through all the stages of grief until months later when acceptance finally settled in. It was from that point on, Johnny’d decided he was going to find a way to keep others from suffering the same tragic fate his family had; to turn horrible experiences into something more purposeful and make his dad proud of his ability to carry on. They wouldn’t have wanted him to wallow in grief. And he was lucky to be living with an aunt then who supported him in every positive choice he made.
Johnny swiped his right forearm at his watery eyes and sighed once again as the door to the treatment room opened.
“Well, I’ve got great news. Everything looks pretty good, considering,” Joe early said with a smile. “I’d say from your symptoms . . .and I know you said some are from another cause,” he quickly added, when he saw Johnny’s mouth open in protest. “But with the headache and all, you’ve at least got a mild concussion. The x-ray of your knee didn’t show any bone or tissue damage, but we’re going to keep an ice pack on it to keep any swelling down. Considering you didn’t have a seatbelt on, you came out of this a lot better than anyone would have predicted.”
“Great,” he said, his voice raspier than he’d expected.
The doctor frowned, Dixie doing the same as she joined them. Joe quickly carried on, respecting Johnny’s request from earlier.
“We’ll get you in a room for the night for observation, then take it from there later.”
“’Kay. Can I have something for my headache now?”
“Yes, of course.” He walked briskly over to the medicine cabinet to get the MS to inject into Johnny’s IV port.
“How’s Roy?” he asked, still shielding his eyes from the ceiling lights.
Dixie gave a reassuring smile. “He’s going to be fine. Kel says he may have to be here longer than you, depending on how you each do of course. But he was pretty lucky too. In fact I’d say he’s more concerned about you.”
Johnny nodded slightly. Somehow that didn’t surprise him.
~*~*~
Once they were done helping with the clean-up at the scene of the accident, the crew of Engine 51 headed back to the station. When they reached their destination, the men climbed down from their vehicle and walked toward the dayroom, the captain veering in the direction of his office.
It had been a quiet ride back, no one really feeling like having much conversation except for occasional comments about the damage done to the squad and the relief that their colleagues weren’t hurt more seriously.
Hank sighed and ran a hand through his hair as he parted company with his men. “I’ll call headquarters and see if they know how long it’ll be until we get a replacement squad in here and another team of paramedics.”
Chet looked around at the others before asking his captain, “Can you find out how Johnny and Roy are doing?”
“That was going to be second on my list,” he said with a slight grin. He was always pleased to see his men concerned for one another during challenging times. It was a reminder of just what a close knit crew he had. “I’ll fill you guys in just as soon as I do.”
“Thanks, Cap.”
He watched as the three went on to the dayroom, then he went into his office, taking a seat behind his desk. After calling headquarters, he sat a moment leaning back in his chair, all thoughts on his paramedics; especially Gage’s off-kilter behavior at the scene.
Maybe I *should’ve* gotten John counseling during the last shift after all. I don’t think it would have been a *bad* idea, though I know John *prefers* to deal with things on his own
Then he recalled what Roy had suggested. He wanted one of us to talk to John before we mentioned any changes in how he handled himself at the scene to anyone at Rampart. It doesn’t look like *I’ll* get the chance. Maybe they’ll end up in a room together and Roy can get somewhere with him then.
Despite the seriousness of the situation, he had to give a small smile again when he pictured Roy questioning Johnny until he got the answers he needed.
If John is stuck in a bed in the same room for awhile, something tells me Roy’ll be able to find out more than any counselor ever would. . .
~*~*~
Soon Johnny was in a room with an ice pack on his bruised knee and a promise his partner would be joining him before long. Though he felt groggy from the MS, and after coming down from the adrenaline rush of the accident and its aftermath, he still had too much on his mind to sleep. He glanced over at the empty bed.
Man, I can’t wait till they bring in Roy. I shoulda’ made *sure* he was all right when he first came over to me after the accident. . .what if moving around like he did made something worse? He knew he had to see for himself that his friend was okay. Only then would he be able to forgive himself for neglecting the fact Roy shouldn’t have been left handling everyone else at the scene. I wasn’t thinking straight. . .but how do I tell *him* that? *How* do I justify letting something that happened years ago affect me on the job *now*?
His mind wandered to another time when an event from the past caused a reaction at a rescue. It was at a time when Roy was considering giving up the paramedic program after the death of a victim he was taking in to Rampart. The ill man’s own doctor had admonished Roy and made him feel as though he no longer could trust his own judgment in the field. Johnny had tried everything he could to convince his partner that he hadn’t done anything wrong.
At a house fire during that period, Roy went into the home by himself in search of a child. The paramedic’s lifeline was burned into two pieces and Johnny’s heart had raced as he pulled on the weightless rope, realizing what had happened as he did. When Johnny lifted up the still smoldering end that he’d gotten to the doorway, the familiar feeling of losing someone close to him in a house fire overrode any training he had and he was ready to charge inside with no lifeline or SCBA of his own. . .he’d just wanted to get his partner out.
Man, if Cap hadn’t been right there to hold me back. . .
He’d dealt with the emotions that had resurfaced then; once Roy was safely out, the boy in his arms, it was easy for Johnny to place the fear back where it belonged, relief taking over. Now he was going to have to work through the emotions that had come back concerning Lisa. Looking around the room from his slightly propped up position in the bed, he sighed.
Just then the door opened and in came two orderlies pushing a gurney with Roy on it, Dixie behind them.
After reassuring the head nurse that he was doing fine, Johnny watched as the orderlies gingerly moved Roy to the bed, being very careful of his taped ribs. It was obvious he was groggier than his younger partner. Though disappointed he’d have to wait awhile to have a conversation of any sort with the man, Johnny did feel relief just to have him there finally. Some of the guilt he’d felt earlier subsided when he saw for himself that overall, Roy seemed to be doing okay.
~*~*~
Hank placed the telephone receiver back in its cradle and got up from his chair. He then headed for the dayroom to give the others the news they’d wanted to hear.
Marco looked up from his seat at the table when the captain stepped into the doorway. He nudged Chet, who was reading a magazine beside him. Mike was sitting down on the couch beside their basset hound mascot, Henry. Everyone had a questioning look in their eyes.
“I know you guys aren’t concerned about the news on the replacement squad, so I’ll jump right to the real important stuff,” Hank said with a grin. “John is doing fine. He’s got a mild concussion and deep bruising on his knee; he’s already in a room. And Roy has two cracked ribs and needed a couple of stitches in his head, but he’s just got a mild concussion as well. He was being moved to a room when I called.”
The three engine crew members sighed with relief.
“I was really worried about Roy,” Marco stated.
Chet was busy with his own thoughts. I *knew* Blanchard shouldn’t have taken Johnny’s word for it that he was okay; that something wasn’t right when he stayed with the girl and ignored everyone else. . .that’s just not like Gage. . .Then another incident came to mind. He looked up at the captain. Should he rat on a friend now and tell Hank Stanley about Johnny’s reaction to the girl at the bowling alley? After another moment of thought, he decided not to. It was in the past. Gage would be off duty for a few shifts now and surely by the time he got back, he’d have time to work through whatever was hanging with him. If not, *then* he’d give the idea of mentioning it more thought.
Hank went on to explain a replacement squad would be there within forty-five minutes and a team of paramedics soon afterward.
~*~*~
“Why don’t you get some rest?” Dixie asked Johnny.
“I will,” came a groggy reply. “I was waitin’. . .” he looked past her to Roy.
The nurse smiled and nodded in understanding. “Well, now that you know he’s here, maybe you can relax.” She eyed him a moment, then turned to leave, knowing for the moment Johnny just needed to be able to work through his concerns and troubles at his leisure.
Unless Joe holds his promise of getting more from Johnny before he goes home for the night.
She decided it would probably be best for Johnny if she talked the doctor out of it.
~*~*~
Gage watched as the door closed behind Dixie, then turned his head toward the other bed. Roy’s eyes were on him as well. He noticed a square band-aid over the cut on the older man’s temple, the bed covers pulled up midway on his chest.
Roy blinked slowly then closed his eyes, the effects of the medication really having an affect on him.
Johnny figured he’d watch over his partner, hoping somehow it would make up for his neglectful behavior earlier. But as he looked on, his lids grew heavier.
Man, I sure have a lot to explain to Roy, he thought lazily and with some trepidation. About Lisa . . . getting snappy. . .putting aside other victims in the accident. . .
Though still feeling somewhat restless, the grogginess from the MS finally won over and Johnny drifted off to sleep.
~*~*~
The paramedics were on their way to a call, Roy driving and Johnny giving directions as they approached an intersection. Just as they got within several feet of it, a car identical to one Gage’s dad owned was trying to make it through on a green light when a truck ran a red light and plowed into the car. Johnny watched in horror as one of the passenger doors flew open. . .
“Mr. Gage. Mr. Gage, wake up.”
He startled awake, immediately shooting up to a sitting position and nearly dislodging his IV. “Jesus!” Breathing hard, he glanced around to get his bearings, then looked at the nurse standing beside the bed.
“I’m sorry, but you know the routine. I have to check on you every so often due to the concussion.”
“What time is it?” he asked, his breathing still rapid.
She looked at her watch. “It’s 9:30 pm.” Eyeing him closely she questioned, “Are you okay?”
“Yeah. . .yeah, I just. . .” he wiped at his sweaty forehead with his right hand. “Just a wild dream I guess.”
The young nurse gave a doubtful look. “Are you sure you’re okay? Do I need to get a doctor?”
“Yeah. No. I mean, no, you don’t need to get a doctor. Yeah, I’m sure.”
“All right, if you say so. I guess if that’s the case, we can get on with the other stuff.” Noticing his breathing had slowed down considerably, she carried on, satisfied that he was being honest. “Can you tell me your full name and where you are?”
“John.” He paused a moment, not thrilled with giving his middle name, though he supposed she must already have it to know if his answers were correct. “John Roderick Gage. Rampart.”
She went on to question him about a few other things, jotting down his answers, then took his vitals and wrote them on a chart. When she was done with him, including replacing the ice pack with a new one, the nurse turned to do her routine check on Roy. Johnny listened to his answers, glad that they were right.
Roy’s doin’ good.
After making sure neither man needed any more pain medication at the moment, the nurse was gone and the two paramedics were left to themselves.
“How are you feeling?” Johnny wondered.
“Tired. . . kind of sore. You?”
“I’m okay.”
Roy just looked at him and Johnny had to smile. Some things never changed.
“All right. ‘Okay’ doesn’t exactly explain it.”
“I didn’t think so,” came a sleepy reply. “But I won’t be much of a listener right now. Promise to fill me in later?”
Johnny nodded. “Sure.” He figured it would give him time to pull his own muddled thoughts together better. With his answer, Roy closed his eyes and easily drifted off to sleep, the medication still making him drowsy.
Gage wasn’t so lucky. With a lot still on his mind and the nurse having really given him a scare when she interrupted his nightmare, he laid awake thinking more about everything.
Despite what his parents had said, he always knew that there might’ve been a totally different outcome in their accident if he’d only told them Lisa’s door wasn’t secure. There weren’t any seatbelts in the car; they hadn’t even heard of such a thing yet. And no warning lights on the dashboard gave indication of doors not being closed all the way. So his saying something about it definitely would’ve been the key.
That being the case, he wondered how he could allow himself to be so angry at the Coopers and Julie’s mom. They hadn’t done anything worse than he or his parents did themselves.
Things happen . . .we all have regrets at times . . . but, man, when it costs someone a life. . .
It was still going to take some time to work through his emotions, though he hoped overall he was headed in the right direction.
Speakin’ of regrets, I wish I’d told Roy about Lisa sooner. It’s not gonna be easy. . .I hope he isn’t hurt that I didn’t feel like I could before now. . .
~*~*~
By early morning both paramedics were more alert, though Johnny was tired from having been awake for long periods during the night. After questioning each other on their physical well-being, and comparing aches and pains that tend to come after even a minor accident, the two were quiet a moment. Knowing what he had to do next, Johnny spoke up.
“I’m sorry about yesterday.”
“For what?”
“You know,” he shrugged. “Leaving you to handle most of the stuff after the accident. I should’ve done more.”
“You did what you could. I’m sure if I’d needed more help, you’d have been over as quick as possible.”
Johnny gave it thought; if Roy had hollered for him. . . “Yeah, you’re probably right. But still . . .I let you down. . .I let something from the past hold me back. . .”
“Anything you want to talk about?” Roy felt anxious, hoping he’d finally get his partner to open up as promised. He winced slightly as he gingerly shifted his position on the bed.
The younger man looked down at his own lap, fidgeting with his hands. He was finding it difficult to come right out and say the words.
Man, I knew it was gonna be tough, but it’s even harder than I expected. C’mon, Roy’ll understand, he told himself.
The room remained quiet until Johnny broke the silence again, this time with a sad sigh.
Ah, hell. . .
“My sister. . .” He eyed Roy a moment in an effort to judge his reaction. When he saw that his friend was waiting for more, he continued. “It’s about my sister Lisa. . .” After pausing to maintain his composure, he went on to tell Roy all about the accident that claimed his sister’s life.
~*~*~
Roy didn’t need to know why Johnny never told him about Lisa until now. He knew just by watching his body language while talking about her that it was a time in Johnny’s life that was more than difficult for him. The fact Gage had been able to tell Roy early in their friendship about how his parents perished in a house fire when he was a teen, but never mentioned the accident with his sister, told Roy that Johnny hadn’t come to terms with it as much as the younger man thought he had. . .until the incidents with Shannon and Julie forced him to deal with his emotions again.
No matter what, Johnny definitely had an enormous inner strength. Unlike a few others Roy had known in his life, Gage didn’t collapse under grief or fear. He built on the adversity and had become not only a highly skilled ‘rescue man’, but one of the best paramedics in the county as well.
This all sure explains the first day we met, Roy thought to himself as he glanced at his partner. Not very fond of hospital food, Johnny was pushing his breakfast around on his plate with a fork after taking a couple of bites. The way he was hesitant about committing to the paramedic program in the event it wouldn’t pass; he probably didn’t want to lose his ability to do good as a rescue man only to sit with his hands tied under the label of ‘paramedic’. . .and how quickly he changed his mind as soon as he heard how few would be available to people if the bill passed right away. It was more than the man he’d lost on one of his latest rescues. It had to be partly due to his own personal losses. Lisa wouldn’t have lived long enough for help anyway, but I’m sure he knew there’d be a time when we would be able to save a child in a similar situation. . .
Roy took a small bite of his breakfast the nurse had brought him and made a distasteful face. Johnny’s right; it just doesn’t taste very good.
~*~*~
Later in the morning, Hank Stanley walked into the room expecting to see Johnny and Roy; he was surprised that one of his men was missing. Roy was sitting propped up in bed, his wife Joanne in a chair beside him, but they were the only two in the room.
“Well, I see you’re in good hands,” he remarked to his paramedic with a smile. “How’re you feeling?”
“Better.”
“That’s a start.” Hank then smiled at Joanne as he walked over to her and reached out with his right hand. “It’s nice to see you again, though I wish it was under better circumstances.”
She lightly grasped his hand and gave a friendly grin in return. “Thank you. It’s good to see you too. Thanks for taking care of my guy yesterday,” she added, glancing at her husband as she let go of the captain’s hand.
“Well, I couldn’t let anything happen to him. We need him back as soon as possible,” he teased. He then looked at the empty bed in the room before eyeing Roy.
“Where’s John? I thought he was in here with you?”
“He was--”
Before Roy could explain further, Joanne stood and stepped past the captain, excusing herself from the room.
“You can stay,” Hank interjected.
“I’ll be back. I think I’ll let you two have a few minutes to talk; a cup of coffee sounds good right now anyway.”
“If you’re sure. . .”
She once again smiled and nodded. “I am.” She then headed for the door.
The two men watched as the door closed behind her, then the captain once again addressed Roy. “I didn’t mean to interrupt.”
“No, it’s okay. She was talking about getting a cup of coffee soon before you came in. She kind of hurried in getting the kids to the neighbors’ before visiting hours started here and didn’t have a chance to make any before she came over.”
Hank glanced at the door once more, then shifted his attention back to the empty bed. “Did John get discharged already?”
Roy shook his head. “Dixie came in this morning with a wheelchair and said there was someone who wanted to see him, if he was up to it.”
“Oh?”
“The little girl from the accident yesterday; something tells me Johnny needed to see her too; just as a reassurance . . .you know, that she really was okay.”
“How is she doing?”
“Apparently pretty good.”
“Did you get to talk to him about yesterday?”
Roy nodded. “Yeah, I did.” Careful not to mention anything about Johnny’s sister, he continued. “He had a hurdle to get past after seeing another little girl thrown out of a car. But I really think he’s okay now.”
“You sure? I mean, that’s what we thought after the Cooper girl. . .”
“We were both wrong about that, but this is different, Cap. He got the closure he needed; the survivor that eased the upset of a loss.”
“Well, you know him better than any of us I’d say. If you really believe he’s worked through all this now, I’ll trust your judgment.”
Roy didn’t know how to respond. He’d slipped up in thinking his partner was doing okay after Shannon Cooper died. He didn’t recognize that Johnny had so much on his mind until the younger man showed up late for work and looking a bit rough.
Maybe that’s because he knows me just as well. . .he knows how to hide what he wants to from me. . .
But this time he was certain. After they’d talked he could tell Johnny was on the way to dropping most of the guilt that he’d carried around deep inside for so long. Guilt of not saying anything about the door and also about being angry at his parents for something they hadn’t expected therefore couldn’t prevent. There’d probably always be a little guilt there due to the circumstances before the accident. But Roy reminded him that the door may have popped open anyway. If it was meant to be, there was no way of stopping it. Johnny had agreed that there were a lot of factors that played into that day, including the driver who made the bad decision to run the red light in the first place.
Maybe now he can quit apologizing for having been a typical kid and not recognized the danger of the situation.
Hank went on to question Roy more on his own well-being, bringing the dark-blond paramedic out of his thoughts about Johnny.
~*~*~
The first shift when Johnny and Roy were both healed and on duty, the senior paramedic wandered to the back lot during the late afternoon in search of his partner. Johnny was leaning against the back of the station near the rear lot as he solemnly watched the traffic on the 405. As usual, it was non-stop in each direction.
Roy stepped over beside him. “You okay?”
Johnny nodded. “Yeah.”
“You mean it this time?”
The younger man smiled. “Yeah, I do. I am.” After a brief pause, he added, “When you were on the phone with Jo earlier, I was reading the paper and noticed an article in the editorials. It seems Mr. Cooper wrote a very informative and heartfelt piece about the importance of seatbelts for kids.”
“I just saw that too before I came out here. Maybe it’ll save a few lives.” Roy followed his partner’s gaze to the 405. “You know, we can’t stop everyone from making a mistake behind the wheel or not securing their kids in the seat. We can only hope most of the drivers use common sense.”
“I know. . .” There’s always going to be another Lisa or Shannon. . . or another Julie. . . Johnny pushed off the wall and motioned toward the apparatus bay. “Let’s go inside.”
~*~*~
His next day off, Johnny stood in front of the headstones that marked his family members’ graves. It had been a long road, but with Roy’s help he’d finally arrived at an acceptance that he couldn’t control things as a child anymore than he could as an adult; just as his parents hadn’t been able to either.
He knew they loved Lisa as much as he did, and wouldn’t have ever done anything intentionally to harm their family.
They made a mistake, he thought to himself. A costly mistake – all three of us did. But the past few weeks were an eye opener for him. His anger towards himself and his parents had dissipated greatly.
Johnny squatted down beside Lisa’s grave where he’d just replaced the weather-worn stuffed bear with a new one; a ‘Smokey the Bear’ that was now standing upright against the marker. He gave the bear a light tap on the nose and smiled slightly.
He then looked at the new artificial flowers he’d placed near the other headstones. It was nice to see full, bright colors again.
After a few silent moments among the three graves, he bid goodbye till the next visit and slowly walked away, knowing that because of his family, he’d continue to do his best to ‘save the world’, as his mom would have said. The thought made him crack a lopsided grin.
He took another brief glance over his shoulder, then trotted toward his white Land Rover parked nearby on the paved road. The past was just that . . . the past. It was time to get back to the present and concentrate on his future.
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
This story is from a story-starter posted to the ALLE fan fic list by Heidi B. back on May 26, 2003, message number 3103. My thanks go to her for her patience with me when I got stuck after the first scene I added over two years ago. Also an enormous thanks to Heidi for the detailed beta read as I wrote this and for going over it afterwards. Her suggestions and comments were a huge help and improved on this story immensely. Any errors are mine.
*Tap* (click) on Smokey to send Audrey W. feedback
Who You'd be Today
(Kenny Chesney - no copyright infringement intended))
Sunny days seem to
hurt the most
Wear the pain like a heavy coat
I feel you everywhere I go
I see your smile, I see your face
I hear you laughing in the rain
Still can't believe you're gone
It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
The death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today
Would you see the world?
Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family?
I wonder, what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue
I feel like I can talk to you
And I know it might sound crazy
Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
The only thing that gives me hope
Is I know I'll see you again someday
Someday. . . Someday
