Johnny’s Address

By Becca

Having completed their morning chores, the crew of Station 51 gathered in the kitchen for a well-deserved break.  Johnny and Roy had already been to Rampart for supplies while the others cleaned up around the station house.  Now, Roy put on a fresh pot of coffee as Johnny, Chet and Marco pulled up to the kitchen table.  Mike was still putting the final touches on the engine’s shine.

            “So Gage, I heard the new nurse over in the E.R. turned you down for a date this morning,” Chet chided his favorite target.  “First day on the job and you’re already on her Reject List.  That must be a new record, even for you!”

            “Kelly, you gotta get a new informant,” Johnny retorted flatly.  “For your information - not that it’s any of your business, mind you - but I haven’t even met the new nurse, let alone been rejected by her.”

            The pot of coffee had finished percolating and Roy joined the others at the table, carrying a hot cup of the brew for himself and one for his partner.  “Isn’t that right?” Johnny asked, seeking support from his cohort.

            “Well to tell you the truth, I didn’t even know …,” Roy’s voice trailed off as his attention was drawn to Captain Stanley, who was standing in the kitchen doorway.

“Got a minute, John?” the captain asked.

Johnny looked quickly around at the others, whose eyes were now focused on him, with an innocent ‘what’d I do’ expression on his face, but said only, “Sure, Cap.”  He pushed his chair back and followed the captain into his office, turning and shrugging his shoulders at the others as he walked away. 

“What’d Gage do this time?” Chet asked, addressing his question to Roy.  “Boy, two hours into the shift and he’s already in Cap’s office!  That’s his second new record today,” Chet laughed, continuing his harassment in spite of Johnny’s absence.

“Beats me,” Roy replied distractedly, watching as the door to the captain’s office shut behind his partner.

            Johnny had only been in Cap’s office about five minutes when the Klaxon sounded in the station house.  “Squad 51, man down, in the 5100 block of Beach Avenue.  Cross street Pinehurst.  Time out 1017.”  Roy and Johnny assumed their places in the squad and quickly fastened their helmet straps as Roy took the run slip from Captain Stanley and put the truck in gear.

            The scene was only a few miles away and they were there in a matter of moments.  Officer Vince Howard was already on scene, crouched down on the sidewalk next to a smiling but scruffy young man who was sitting with his legs crossed, apparently in no acute distress.  “What’cha got, Vince?” Johnny asked as he set some equipment down. 

“I think he’s high on something,” Vince replied.  “He seems harmless enough, but he’s creating a nuisance with his singing here in the middle of the sidewalk.”

“Singing?”  Roy asked.

“Yeah,” Vince replied, “and I don’t think he knows where he is.”

“Hey there,” Johnny said as he touched the patient on the shoulder.  “How ya’ doing?”

The young man looked at him and smiled.  “Doing?  Well I’m just doing fine.  Fine, fine, fine.  Nothing could be finer than to be in Carolina in the mooooorning …” he answered, breaking into song.

Johnny and Roy exchanged quizzical glances, trying not to laugh.  “Sir,” Roy said, “Do you know where you are?”

“Well, um …,” he answered blankly, looking around, until his gaze fixed on a view of the mountains between the two buildings across the street.  “Say, you know what?  I went up into the mountains the other day.  Oh, about two-three days ago.  Up into those mountains.  Got some wild mushrooms, too … the kind the Indians use.  You know those wild mushrooms?  They’re really fine, fine, fine.  Nothing could be finer than to be in Carolina in the moooooorning …”

“Well listen,” Johnny said, now cognizant of the cause of the patient’s aberrant behavior.  “We’d like to take you to the hospital and let the doctors take a look at you, okay?”

“Oh fine.  Fine, fine, fine.  Nothing could be finer than to be in Carolina …”, he sang.  Roy placed a quick radio call to Rampart as Johnny assessed the man’s vitals to the repeated strains of Carolina Morning, sung decidedly off-key.

“I’ll ride in with him,” Johnny offered, as the ambulance attendants assisted the patient to the stretcher.  He actually enjoyed the occasional offbeat patient.

“Good luck,” Roy replied with a knowing smirk.

“Thanks!”

*****

After chatting good-naturedly with Dixie about the mushroom patient for a few minutes, Johnny and Roy headed back to the squad.  As Roy started the engine, he glanced over at his partner, who seemed to be deep in thought.  “Wanna make us available?” Roy prompted.  Johnny said nothing.  “Johnny?”  he asked.  “Hey, Johnny?” he repeated, raising his voice a little.

“Huh?” Johnny said, suddenly snapping out of his distant state.

“I said do you want to make us available?”

Johnny picked up the mike and advised the dispatcher of their status.

 “How was that guy on the way in?” Roy asked.

“What?” 

“The patient … how was he on the way in?”  Roy tried to steal a look at Johnny as he drove, hoping to discern what might be troubling him.

“Oh, he was okay … pretty mellow, considering.  He was really quiet for the first few minutes, then all of a sudden he started singing ‘Camptown Races.’  Sang it about 20 times by the time we got to Rampart,” Johnny replied, shaking his head.

“Camptown Races?” Roy chuckled, “wonder where that one came from.  Doo-dah’s and all?”

“Yep,” Johnny answered absently.  His mind seemed to be drifting again.

Roy thought maybe he should change the subject.  “So, uh, what did Cap want to see you about?”

“Huh?”

“I said, ‘what did Cap want to see you about?’ ” Roy had a hunch that whatever it was, it might be the cause of his partner’s distress.

“Oh, nothing,” Johnny replied blandly.  He saw the doubt on Roy’s face.  “Well, uh, I mean, it was something, just nothing important.”

“Oh,” Roy said.  He knew if Johnny didn’t want to discuss a subject, no amount of prodding on his part would make any difference.  “Well, if you want to talk about it, I’m here.”

“Huh?”  Johnny asked.

“Never mind.”        

*****

Back at the station, Chet and Marco were placing plates and sandwich fixings on the table for lunch.  Chet was dying to give Johnny a hard time about his visit with the captain, but had to restrain himself due to Stanley’s presence at the lunch table.

As the men finished their meal, Captain Stanley excused himself and headed toward his office.  “Oh, by the way, John,” he stated as he stopped in the doorway, “I really need an answer from you today.”

“Oh, right, Cap,” Johnny replied, forcing a smile.  He was again aware of the gazes of the others fixed on him.  “I’ll let you know this afternoon for sure.”

“Thanks, pal,” Cap replied.  Roy was relieved to hear Cap using his favorite euphemism… Johnny couldn’t be in too much trouble.

Chet’s eyes followed Stanley until he was out of earshot.  “An answer about what, Gage?” he started in snidely.  “No don’t tell me, let me guess.  He wants to know whether you’ve signed up for cooking lessons yet.  Unfortunately, it is your turn to cook tonight.” Marco and Mike looked at each other and rolled their eyes at Chet’s relentlessness.  “No, wait!  I bet it’s whether you’ve seen a doctor yet about your snoring.  Or maybe it’s … ”

“Come on, Chet,” Roy interrupted.  He looked at Johnny, expecting to see him ready to burst forth with a frustrated response.  He was as surprised as Chet to see that Johnny didn’t seem to be paying attention to either of them. 

Just then, the Klaxon sounded again.  “Engine 51, Squad 51.  Motor vehicle accident,  8^th Street and Miller.  8^th Street and Miller.  Time out 1302.”  The men quickly headed for their vehicles.

A few minutes after leaving the station, the dispatcher’s voice advised Squad 51 that they had been canceled due to an absence of injuries at the scene.  The engine continued on to assist with cleanup duties. 

Roy deftly backed the squad into the station and he and Johnny headed to the dayroom.  The silence was thick as Johnny continued to brood.

“Well?” Roy asked.

“Huh?”  Johnny replied.

“Look, whatever it is, maybe you’d feel better if you just talk about.  With the other guys gone, this might be your best chance.”

Johnny shifted uncomfortably in his seat at the table.  “It really is no big deal,” he started.  “It’s just that Cap wants me to do something, I mean, the department wants me to, well, to take part in something, and I…” he stopped.

“And you…?” Roy urged.

“Well, I don’t know if I can.  I mean, I know I can, but I don’t know if I would be any good at it.  I mean…”

“Any good at what?” Roy interrupted, growing a little impatient.

Johnny squirmed again.  He took a deep breath.  “Any good at giving the commencement address at the graduation for the new paramedic class!” Johnny replied loudly, finally managing to get the words out.

Roy smiled.  Leave it to Johnny to obsess over something so relatively minor, or so it seemed to Roy.  “The commencement address?” he replied enthusiastically.  “Johnny, that’s great!  That’s quite an honor, you know!  That’s…,” his voice trailed off as he observed the scowl on his partner’s face.  “That’s… not great?”

“Great?  Great?!  Roy, are you kidding?  Don’t you know how big this is?  I mean, first off, ALL the top brass is gonna be there!”

“And…?” Roy asked, still not comprehending the problem.

“Second off,” Johnny continued, not even hearing Roy, “this is the biggest night in those guys’ lives.  What do I say?  I mean, what can I say?  What can I possibly say to them that would really be important, that would even make sense?  What could I say that would make any difference at all?”

First I can’t get him to talk and now I can’t get him to shut up, Roy thought.  “Well…,” he started.

“Let’s say you were graduating from paramedic school next week,“ Johnny barreled ahead.  “You know, we didn’t have a big ceremony when we finished training like they do now.  What could someone say to you in 15 minutes that would really make an impact on you if you were a brand-new paramedic?”

Roy said nothing.  He decided to make sure Johnny was ready to listen this time before he responded. 

“Well?” Johnny asked impatiently.

“Well, I’ll be glad to help you think of some ideas if you decide to do it,” Roy started.  What he really wanted to say was that Johnny was totally overreacting, but quickly realized that would just be adding fuel to the fire of Gage’s rant.  “Let me think about it a little though,” he continued.  Johnny was silent.  “Do you know what you’re gonna tell Cap?”

“I don’t know,” Johnny moaned.  He rubbed his eyes with the back of his hands. 

“Well, you better decide pretty quick,” Roy said, nodding his head toward the apparatus bay.  The engine was just pulling in.

Johnny quickly pushed his chair back from the table and headed into the locker room, trying to busy himself tidying up.  He was hoping to buy a few more minutes to think over the offer.  Unfortunately, Captain Stanley needed an answer sooner rather than later. 

“Gage!” Stanley’s voice carried out from his office and down the hall.

“Coming, Cap,” Johnny replied wearily.  He closed the door to Stanley’s office behind him for the second time that day.

“Listen, pal, I’m not trying to pressure you.  But you know headquarters.  They wait till the last minute to ask for something and then they need an answer yesterday.  The chief’s assistant just called again asking for your decision… said something about needing to get the programs to the printer.”

Programs? Johnny thought.  The word bounced around inside his head.  Oh, man, I don’t know if I’m up to this!

“Look, I know public speaking isn’t really high on the comfort meter for some people,” Stanley said.  Johnny’s ambivalence was obvious and the captain thought he could force the issue by offering him an easy out.  “On the other hand, I’d really like to see you do this.  For one thing, it’s a great reflection on your captain,” Stanley said with a broad grin.    

Johnny had to chuckle.  “It’s not the public speaking, Cap,” Johnny offered.  “That part doesn’t bother me.  It’s just…,” his conversation with Roy flashed through his mind.  He decided he didn’t have the energy to rehash it all again.  “All right,” he sighed, “I’ll do it.  Just tell me where and when.”

“Don’t worry,”  Stanley said with a smile, rising from behind his desk and slapping John on the back.  “You’ll be great!”

“Yeah…great,” Johnny echoed solemnly.

*****

One week later…

“Sit still!” Roy whispered, leaning toward Johnny so no one else could hear.  The two men, wearing their dress uniforms,  were seated in folding chairs on the stage of a small but crowded auditorium.  Their seats were at the end of a row of identical chairs, arranged in a semi-circle and facing the audience.  Johnny fidgeted nervously with the stack of 3 x 5 cards in his lap and jostled his left leg incessantly. 

“I’m trying!” he hissed back.  Roy sighed and tried to look relaxed. 

Chief McConnike was standing at the podium near the front of the stage and was already speaking into the microphone, addressing the packed room.  He introduced the other dignitaries seated in the half-circle of chairs, including Dr. Brackett, Dr. Early, Nurse McCall and various high-ranking fire officials.  Although Roy was not speaking at the ceremony, the chief had personally extended an invitation to him to attend, not only as Gage’s partner and as a member of the very first training program, but also as someone who had assisted in the training of the current class through many student ride-alongs.    

“And now,” Chief McConnike continued, “it is my pleasure to introduce our guest speaker for today’s ceremony.  Please join me in welcoming a fine L.A. County Fire Department Firefighter and a graduate of our second paramedic training program, John Gage.”

The audience applauded politely as Johnny rose from his seat.  He fumbled his cards and accidentally dropped a few on the floor.  Quickly gathering them up, he headed to the podium, nearly tripping on the extension cord that was attached to the microphone.  He caught himself on the podium and smiled nervously, tugging at his jacket to straighten it and trying to look as casual as possible.  Roy and Dixie glanced at each other and smiled.  They had seen Johnny at his most clumsy on more than one occasion, especially when he was trying so hard not to be.   

“Thank -,” squeeeeall, his voice was interrupted by high-pitched microphone feedback.  “Uh, testing,” squeeeeal.  He looked around anxiously and adjusted the bend in the microphone’s neck.

“Testing,” he repeated.  Good, no more feedback, he thought.  He tugged at the hem of his jacket again, simultaneously straightening his stack of note cards on the podium.

After making the standard acknowledgments of the graduates and guests, Johnny was feeling a bit more at ease.  He steeled himself as he headed into the part of the speech that had bedeviled him for most of the prior week.

“When Captain Stanley first asked me to give this talk, I admit I wasn’t too sure about it,” he said into the microphone.  He could hear his voice echoing on the speakers throughout the auditorium.  It was a bit unnerving, but also a bit heady.  “I was worried about being able to say something that would really make a difference to you all as you start your paramedic careers .

“So I spent some time thinking about the past five years, and I talked it over with my partner, Roy DeSoto, who usually gives me great advice.”  Roy looked down at his feet, blushing slightly.

“And, I decided that I could sum up everything I want to say to you in just three words,” he paused for dramatic effect.

“Those three words are We’re - Only - Human,” he said, emphasizing each word individually.  The audience members glanced at each other with puzzled expressions.  Even Roy was mystified.

“Let me explain,” Johnny went on, smiling.  Of course, he knew where he was going with this, but no one else did.

“Take the patients you are going to be treating.  Some of them may not seem too rational to you.  Some of them might act downright crazy.  They might be hysterical or uncooperative.  Sometimes people just seem to freak out all over the place.  The things they do might seem kind of stupid  … like calling you out in the middle of the night to drive them to the hospital to refill a prescription that they ran out of a week ago.”  The audience chuckled.  “I’m not kidding,“ he added, “it happens to us all the time.  It’s easy to get bugged by it. But you have to tell yourself  that they’re only human.  As the saying goes, you can’t judge someone unless you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.  Sometimes just telling a patient that everything is going to be okay is more important than any medical treatment we can provide,” he paused, feeling very contented with the speech so far, not to mention the fact that he had survived to this point.

“You also have to remember that patients aren’t textbooks,” he continued.  “By that I mean that real people hardly ever present with the classic textbook symptoms you just spent months memorizing.  Now it’s time to start combining that classroom learning with real-life experience.

“I remember one patient, a male about 45 years old, who called us because he was cold.  That was it!  Just really, really cold.  He had just gotten out of a hot shower where he tried to warm up, but he was still cold.  Now it would have been easy to blow him off as some kind of  nut.  But something just wasn’t right about him.  It’s a sixth sense, and if you’re good, you’ll develop it quickly.  His skin color wasn’t right and he seemed weak.  We put him on the monitor and he had huge ST segments, or what we call ‘tombstones’… a classic sign of a major heart attack.  So my advice to you is never to take a patient for granted.  These are real people and sometimes the most healthy looking patient is the one who goes sour the fastest.

“I also want to add that if a patient ever tells you they’re dying, you’d better believe them, because until proven otherwise, they are.  You’ll just have to take my word on this one,” he added solemnly.  It was a lesson that Gage had learned the hard way, and he hoped that he could spare these students the anguish he once felt after losing a patient who seemingly ‘shouldn’t’ have died.

“Then there are the doctors and nurses at the hospital.  Now don’t get me wrong… we are very lucky to have Rampart for a base station and everyone there is really top-notch,” he added hastily.  “But they can have an off day, too.  Remember that it’s your job to paint the best picture you can of what you have at the scene if you’re going to get the orders that you know you need.  You are the doc’s eyes, ears and hands.  Now don’t be afraid to question their orders if you think they’re wrong,”  Johnny knew he was skating on thin ice with Brackett in the room, and was dangerously close to falling through.  He even thought he could feel Brackett’s gaze on him from behind; but he was determined to say what he thought needed to be said.  “But at the same time,  remember that you are working under their license, and they are responsible for both their actions and yours.  So give them the best information you possibly can, and remember that although it may be hard to believe, even E.R. docs are human.”  The audience laughed.

“Now let’s talk about the victim’s families,” he continued. “Sometimes they can be a real pain.”  He could see the paramedic trainees seated in the front two rows nodding their heads in agreement.  “You all know what I’m saying here.  You think they’re getting in your way and  keeping you from doing your job.  That’s when you have to remember that they’re only human, too.   What is a routine run for you is probably the scariest thing that’s ever happened to them.  So put on your best bedside manner and try to tell them what you’re doing.   Roy and I have learned that family members are a lot more cooperative if you don’t shut them out.”

He took another deep breath.  So far, so good.  I think.  More than halfway through… at least no one has dozed off yet.                 

“Well, I’ve talked about patients, doctors, nurses and family members.  Let me say a few words now about the person that you’re likely to be spending more time with than anyone else in your life, and that’s your partner,” he glanced quickly at Roy, who was again staring at the ground.  “If you’re lucky, you’ll find a partner who seems to read your mind.  You’ll reach for something and he’ll already be handing it to you.  Sometimes when you’re not on a run, you might tend to drive each other a little crazy,” he smiled, “but when it comes to work, you forget about all that.   And during those times when you are driving each other crazy, try to remember that he’s human, too.  I really hope all of you will be as lucky with your partner as I’ve been with mine.   

“Finally,” Johnny said, “I want to talk a little bit about paramedics.  I think a lot of people who go into this field are perfectionists.  We know that what we do every day can mean the difference between life and death, and we don’t like to fail.  So we think that we can never make a mistake.

“But the truth is, you will make mistakes.  I know I have.  We all have.  And it’s during those times that you have to remember that you are human, too.  Of course, you have to learn from your mistakes and try your best not to repeat them.  But you can’t spend the rest of your life beating yourself up about them, either.  If anyone in this line of work tries to tell you that they’ve never made a mistake, they’re lying, and you can tell them I said so,” he said, grinning at the crowd.

“Sometimes you’ll find that things go perfectly on a run.  Everything happens exactly the way it’s supposed to and the patient does great.   Then you’ll have an identical run, only this time nothing goes right.  Like Murphy’s Law … ‘whatever can go wrong will, and at the worst possible time’.  I can’t begin to explain it, but I can tell you that I’ve seen it happen more than once. 

“You’ll hear people tell you that you should never get emotionally involved with your patients.  Roy and I used to think that, too,“ he shot a quick glance at Roy who was smiling gently.  “I had a nurse tell me once that they could train monkeys to start IVs.”  A murmur went through the crowd but Johnny just smiled.  “Now don’t take that personally.  The point she was making was that what makes you a great paramedic is not your skills, it’s using your gut, and your head, and your heart.

“The truth is, if we didn’t feel anything about the things we see every day, we might as well be monkeys - or robots.” For some reason, an image of Craig Brice flashed through Johnny’s head and he almost laughed out loud.  Collecting his thoughts, he went on.  “You will see some pretty horrible things in this job.  Nobody can see the things we see and do the things we do and not feel anything.”

For an instant, Johnny thought back to the prior evening when he was working on this portion of his address.  He had considered mentioning some of the things he had seen on the job that he knew he would never forget.  Like the little 7-year-old girl who was killed when her own mother accidentally ran over her.  He remembered her pretty blonde hair, and how oddly it contrasted with the blue tint to her skin and the black tire marks across her chest.  The 16-year-old who thought it would be fun to assemble a pipe bomb with his buddy on the 4^th of July and blew his hands off.  The suicide victim who wrapped his fingers around the gun handle so tightly before placing it in his mouth that he was still holding it exactly the same way after he was dead.  The two middle-aged couples who were touring the country on motorbikes when an 18-wheeler jumped the center line and ran them down like a lawnmower chopping down weeds.  He remembered walking around at the scene identifying body parts - a finger here, a piece of scalp there.  The 15-year-old who was shot right in the heart by his own father, who mistook him for an intruder.  And there were many more, of course… but he had quickly deduced that this ceremony was not the time or place for such details.

Johnny cleared his throat, gathering his thoughts before returning to his address.  “I know that you will all be great paramedics, and that you will have lots of saves.  But ask anyone in this field who they remember more… the one they saved or the one they lost.  99 percent will say the one they lost; because we take the saves for granted, but we can’t seem to let go of the losses.  So some time down the road, when it happens to you, I want you to remember that today I’m telling you that it’s okay… it’s okay to let go.”  The room was hushed  as he spoke.  Roy was beginning to wonder if Johnny was really speaking to the audience, or to himself.  

“And maybe that is the most important paramedic skill of all, not only for your patient’s survival, but for your own.  Thank you.”

The crowd erupted into enthusiastic and sincere applause and Johnny grinned broadly.  He remained at the podium perhaps a little longer than the situation dictated, but after the anxiety of the prior week over the speech and its preparation, he was relishing the limelight and admittedly wanted to stay in it as long as possible.  Not that Johnny ever really needed too much encouragement to be in the limelight.

Chief McConnike rose and strode to the podium, shaking Johnny’s hand while subtly turning him towards his chair.  The applause had dwindled slightly as Johnny flashed a smile and waved to the audience again.  He settled comfortably in his seat next to Roy as the chief carried on with the ceremony agenda, calling the individual graduates up to receive their certificates.

“So?  What did you think?” Johnny whispered, still riding the crest of the wave of heartfelt applause.

“Really great!” Roy whispered back.  “I’m impressed.  But you shouldn’t have kept mentioning me, you know.  This was supposed to be your moment to shine.”

“Hey, what did you expect?” Johnny smiled broadly, “After all, I’m only human!”              

*****

Author’s note:  I used Johnny in this story to relate some of my memories and some of the things I learned in my 14 years as an EMT, paramedic and E.R. nurse.  Writing it proved to be very therapeutic.  All of the patients mentioned were real.  I also want to point out that even though I made light of the patient who consumed the hallucinogenic mushrooms  (and he was real, too), wild mushrooms can be deadly and should never actually be consumed by anyone.  Thanks for reading my story.  Please let me know how you liked it. 

A special thanks to C.E. Fox for her encouragement and friendship.

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