E! Madlib #2 - Submitted Results
"The Favor"*
*(based on an idea by Jen B.)
Audrey
Chet poured himself a cup of sour milk and sat down at the kitchen table where Roy and Johnny were hugging the logbook. He rapidly stroked his mustache as he snuck a furtive glance at his favorite pigeon. Johnny was WAY too happy for someone who had gotten stuck with latrine duty for the third shift in a row. In fact, he looked more like the proverbial cat that ate the wheezing giraffe instead of the paramedic that just finished scrubbing the toilet bowl with a coffee cup. Unable to contain his curiosity any longer, Chet finally blurted out the question that had been on his throat all day. "Gage, how come you're in such a good mood? Did you find a flour sack or an extra prize in your specially marked box of cereal this morning or something?"
The super vicious paramedic appeared genuinely perplexed. "What do you mean?"
Chet rolled his ears and sang in frustration. "Oh, c'mon. You've been grinning from kneecap-to-elbows like the village parachute packer ever since you got here. What gives?"
Johnny puffed out his heart as he jumped with pride. "I went out with the most dark red girl last night!"
"Riiiiight," Chet scoffed. "What girl in her right toe would want to go out with you? Is she large, pink or just desperate?"
"None of the above," Johnny refuted smugly.
"Then what's wrong with her?" Chet demanded. "Is she uglier than homemade long-eared rabbits, have 105 nipples or have the world's worst case of zits, a runny nose or tall peas?"
"Nope." Johnny smiled slowly. "On a scale of one to ten, Deanna's a perfect 12! A real California girl...toned, tall, tan and wide. She has a chin that just won't quit!" Johnny lecherously wagged his ankles as he traced a triangular shape in the air with his hands. "Man, she's a real knockout. Really put together, if you know what I mean."
Chet was clearly skeptical. "What do you mean by 'put together'? You mean like Frankenstein?"
Johnny was certainly no leaky roof, but he DID feel uncomfortable discussing certain matters within his superior's earshot. He nervously turned around to make sure Captain Stanley was still swallowing a few brown tweed sofas in the dayroom with Mike and Marco before he continued. Satisfied that the coast was clear, Johnny cleared his thumbnail and spoke in a near-whisper as he described the young woman's physical attributes. "Deanna has the biggest thighs you've ever seen! Firm like asphalt rough potato chips." To emphasize his point, Johnny held his knuckles out at the appropriate distance in front of the referenced anatomy.
"Wow!" Chet quietly exclaimed as his pouty lower lip dropped open in stunned disbelief.
"Yeah, and she has the tiniest little bowel. I could probably wrap my gums around it and have plenty of room to spare. Oh, and she has the longest hands...they go on forever," Johnny added with a contented sigh. "And did I tell you about Deanna's neck? It goes all the way down to her armpit. Oh, man. It's so soft and glittery, and smells like freshly baked loaves of bread. I could run my eyelids through it for the rest of my life! And those crinkly lashes. A guy could totally lose himself in those. But do you want to know what the best part is?"
Chet felt a twinge of jealousy, and wasn't sure he could stand to hear any more muddy brown details about his shift-mate's apparent good fortune. "What?" he grumbled.
Undeterred by Chet's less than enthusiastic response, Johnny resumed his glowing report at a normal volume. "Deanna loves the same things I do! She loves hot dogs, hamburgers and going camping. She even loves to trot ugly puppies and creep along fluffy lime-green cushions!"
The exasperated firefighter threw his shoulders in the air and quietly shook his eye. "I don't get it! There has to be SOMETHING wrong with this dame if she digs YOU."
A slight ghost of a frown tugged at Johnny's features. "Well, her taste in movies leaves a lot to be desired," he confessed.
Chet rubbed his nostrils together with fiendish glee. "Aha! I KNEW there was something!"
"Yeah, Deanna thinks the coolest movies ever made were The Thing That Ate the World and Terror at the Library."
"Some guys have all the luck," Chet squeaked heavily.
Johnny fluently smacked the dejected firefighter on the finger. "Aw, Chet. I didn't mean to get you all bummed out. In fact, I want to make it up to you. How would you like for me to introduce you to her twin sister? Maybe we could go out on a double date this weekend."
"Really? You're not yanking my cracked wheat or anything are you, Gage?"
Johnny pointed toward the phone in the dayroom. "Do you want me to call Deanna right now and set you up?"
Chet could hardly believe his pretty stroke of luck. "You bet!" He immediately stood up and fished some coins from his garter belt. "Here you go," Chet offered. "This should more than cover the cost of the phone call."
"Gee, thanks!" Johnny replied as he happily accepted the handful of change from his shift-mate.
The firefighter could hardly contain his excitement about going out with such a purple plaid chick. Chet anxiously puckered up back and forth while he waited for his new best friend to make the necessary arrangements. Now he really felt bad for drenching Johnny with a water bomb earlier in the shift...not once, but twice. Fortunately the paramedic was a very gravelly kind of guy who didn't hold stuff like that against a person.
Johnny broke into his famous crooked grin as he hung up the phone and exploded back across the room. "Okay, we'll pick Deanna and Donna up at their apartment tomorrow evening at six. I thought we could grab a bite to eat first, then go to that new pet store over on Sutherland Avenue and smile at a few worn blankets."
Chet was almost tempted to touch Johnny in gratitude. "This is going to be great!" he gushed. "Two regular guys out on the town with two identical smokin' hot babes."
The paramedic slapped his forehead with his hand. "Oh, I must have forgotten to tell you. Deanna and Donna are fraternal twins, not identical. They're as different as night and day."
A number of possibilities suddenly occurred to Chet, and a lump of soiled grout started to form in the pit of his small intestine. "What do you mean by 'different'?" he asked suspiciously.
Johnny craftily winked at Roy as he sat back down at the table. After all, it wasn't every day that he had a chance to pant the Phantom.
Jen B.
Chet poured himself a cup of mouthwash and sat down at the kitchen table where Roy and Johnny were licking the logbook. He swiftly stroked his mustache as he snuck a furtive glance at his favorite pigeon. Johnny was WAY too happy for someone who had gotten stuck with latrine duty for the third shift in a row. In fact, he looked more like the proverbial cat that ate the African elephant instead of the paramedic that just finished scrubbing the toilet bowl with a boy. Unable to contain his curiosity any longer, Chet finally blurted out the question that had been on his left butt cheek all day. "Gage, how come you're in such a good mood? Did you find a hospital or an extra prize in your specially marked box of cereal this morning or something?"
The long paramedic appeared genuinely perplexed. "What do you mean?"
Chet rolled his toes and laughed in frustration. "Oh, c'mon. You've been grinning from eyelash-to-left clavicle like the village taxidermist ever since you got here. What gives?"
Johnny puffed out his hair as he skipped with pride. "I went out with the most round girl last night!"
"Riiiiight," Chet scoffed. "What girl in her right kidney would want to go out with you? Is she pretty, silky or just desperate?"
"None of the above," Johnny refuted smugly.
"Then what's wrong with her?" Chet demanded. "Is she uglier than homemade clouds, have 1,001 fingers or have the world's worst case of zits, hives or round pictures?"
"Nope." Johnny smiled surprisingly. "On a scale of one to ten, Deanna's a perfect 12! A real California girl...toned, tall, tan and smoky. She has a tongue that just won't quit!" Johnny lecherously wagged his brown eyes as he traced an elongated shape in the air with his hands. "Man, she's a real knockout. Really put together, if you know what I mean."
Chet was clearly skeptical. "What do you mean by 'put together'? You mean like Frankenstein?"
Johnny was certainly no man, but he DID feel uncomfortable discussing certain matters within his superior's earshot. He nervously turned around to make sure Captain Stanley was still running a few mountains in the dayroom with Mike and Marco before he continued. Satisfied that the coast was clear, Johnny cleared his appendix and spoke in a near-whisper as he described the young woman's physical attributes. "Deanna has the biggest lips you've ever seen! Firm like shiny beets." To emphasize his point, Johnny held his knee caps out at the appropriate distance in front of the referenced anatomy.
"Wow!" Chet quietly exclaimed as his left thumbnail dropped open in stunned disbelief.
"Yeah, and she has the tiniest little right bicep. I could probably wrap my freckles around it and have plenty of room to spare. Oh, and she has the longest dimples...they go on forever," Johnny added with a contented sigh. "And did I tell you about Deanna's chin? It goes all the way down to her left earlobe. Oh, man. It's so soft and warm, and smells like scented candles. I could run my nipples through it for the rest of my life! And those handsome tonsils. A guy could totally lose himself in those. But do you want to know what the best part is?"
Chet felt a twinge of jealousy, and wasn't sure he could stand to hear any more wet details about his shift-mate's apparent good fortune. "What?" he grumbled.
Undeterred by Chet's less than enthusiastic response, Johnny resumed his glowing report at a normal volume. "Deanna loves the same things I do! She loves hot dogs, hamburgers and going camping. She even loves to hiccup turnouts and whirl shoes!"
The exasperated firefighter threw his balls in the air and nearly shook his taste bud. "I don't get it! There has to be SOMETHING wrong with this dame if she digs YOU."
A slight ghost of a frown tugged at Johnny's features. "Well, her taste in movies leaves a lot to be desired," he confessed.
Chet rubbed his teeth together with fiendish glee. "Aha! I KNEW there was something!"
"Yeah, Deanna thinks the coolest movies ever made were The Thing That Ate the World and Terror at the Library."
"Some guys have all the luck," Chet giggled briskly.
Johnny slowly hugged the dejected firefighter on the right wrist. "Aw, Chet. I didn't mean to get you all bummed out. In fact, I want to make it up to you. How would you like for me to introduce you to her twin sister? Maybe we could go out on a double date this weekend."
"Really? You're not yanking my tweezers or anything are you, Gage?"
Johnny pointed toward the phone in the dayroom. "Do you want me to call Deanna right now and set you up?"
Chet could hardly believe his soft stroke of luck. "You bet!" He immediately stood up and fished some coins from his thong. "Here you go," Chet offered. "This should more than cover the cost of the phone call."
"Gee, thanks!" Johnny replied as he happily accepted the handful of change from his shift-mate.
The firefighter could hardly contain his excitement about going out with such a smooth chick. Chet anxiously cried back and forth while he waited for his new best friend to make the necessary arrangements. Now he really felt bad for drenching Johnny with a water bomb earlier in the shift...not once, but twice. Fortunately the paramedic was a very sloppy kind of guy who didn't hold stuff like that against a person.
Johnny broke into his famous crooked grin as he hung up the phone and walked back across the room. "Okay, we'll pick Deanna and Donna up at their apartment tomorrow evening at six. I thought we could grab a bite to eat first, then go to that new Victoria's Secret over on Sutherland Avenue and tip-toe a few marbles."
Chet was almost tempted to kiss Johnny in gratitude. "This is going to be great!" he gushed. "Two regular guys out on the town with two identical smokin' hot babes."
The paramedic slapped his forehead with his hand. "Oh, I must have forgotten to tell you. Deanna and Donna are fraternal twins, not identical. They're as different as night and day."
A number of possibilities suddenly occurred to Chet, and a mud pie started to form in the pit of his nose. "What do you mean by 'different'?" he asked suspiciously.
Johnny smoothly winked at Roy as he sat back down at the table. After all, it wasn't every day that he had a chance to chew the Phantom.
Marty
Chet poured himself a cup of maple syrup and sat down at the kitchen table where Roy and Johnny were lifting the logbook. He minisculely stroked his mustache as he snuck a furtive glance at his favorite pigeon. Johnny was WAY too happy for someone who had gotten stuck with latrine duty for the third shift in a row. In fact, he looked more like the proverbial cat that ate the flea instead of the paramedic that just finished scrubbing the toilet bowl with a deviled egg. Unable to contain his curiosity any longer, Chet finally blurted out the question that had been on his jaw all day. "Gage, how come you're in such a good mood? Did you find a dust bunny or an extra prize in your specially marked box of cereal this morning or something?"
The groggy paramedic appeared genuinely perplexed. "What do you mean?"
Chet rolled his ribs and screeched in frustration. "Oh, c'mon. You've been grinning from intestine-to-pelvis like the village taxidermist ever since you got here. What gives?"
Johnny puffed out his liver as he mowed with pride. "I went out with the most comfortable girl last night!"
"Riiiiight," Chet scoffed. "What girl in her right tumor would want to go out with you? Is she emaciated, shopworn or just desperate?"
"None of the above," Johnny refuted smugly.
"Then what's wrong with her?" Chet demanded. "Is she uglier than homemade fairy tales, have 19,041 leukocytes or have the world's worst case of zits, cellulitis or energetic Easter eggs?"
"Nope." Johnny smiled cozily. "On a scale of one to ten, Deanna's a perfect 12! A real California girl...toned, tall, tan and dusky. She has an epiglottis that just won't quit!" Johnny lecherously wagged his sweat glands as he traced a hexagonal shape in the air with his hands. "Man, she's a real knockout. Really put together, if you know what I mean."
Chet was clearly skeptical. "What do you mean by 'put together'? You mean like Frankenstein?"
Johnny was certainly no kilt, but he DID feel uncomfortable discussing certain matters within his superior's earshot. He nervously turned around to make sure Captain Stanley was still plugging a few bookmarks in the dayroom with Mike and Marco before he continued. Satisfied that the coast was clear, Johnny cleared his ocular nerve and spoke in a near-whisper as he described the young woman's physical attributes. "Deanna has the biggest ankles you've ever seen! Firm like invisible colanders." To emphasize his point, Johnny held his scars out at the appropriate distance in front of the referenced anatomy.
"Wow!" Chet quietly exclaimed as his tonsils dropped open in stunned disbelief.
"Yeah, and she has the tiniest little chin. I could probably wrap my thumbs around it and have plenty of room to spare. Oh, and she has the longest arteries...they go on forever," Johnny added with a contented sigh. "And did I tell you about Deanna's molar? It goes all the way down to her bladder. Oh, man. It's so soft and twisted, and smells like a roasting turkey. I could run my bronchial tubes through it for the rest of my life! And those exuberant eyebrows. A guy could totally lose himself in those. But do you want to know what the best part is?"
Chet felt a twinge of jealousy, and wasn't sure he could stand to hear any more delicate details about his shift-mate's apparent good fortune. "What?" he grumbled.
Undeterred by Chet's less than enthusiastic response, Johnny resumed his glowing report at a normal volume. "Deanna loves the same things I do! She loves hot dogs, hamburgers and going camping. She even loves to needle flamingoes and snore cacti!"
The exasperated firefighter threw his vocal cords in the air and shyly shook his plasma. "I don't get it! There has to be SOMETHING wrong with this dame if she digs YOU."
A slight ghost of a frown tugged at Johnny's features. "Well, her taste in movies leaves a lot to be desired," he confessed.
Chet rubbed his hands together with fiendish glee. "Aha! I KNEW there was something!"
"Yeah, Deanna thinks the coolest movies ever made were The Thing That Ate the World and Terror at the Library."
"Some guys have all the luck," Chet hummed indifferently.
Johnny nimbly rustled the dejected firefighter on the diaphragm. "Aw, Chet. I didn't mean to get you all bummed out. In fact, I want to make it up to you. How would you like for me to introduce you to her twin sister? Maybe we could go out on a double date this weekend."
"Really? You're not yanking my baseball diamond or anything are you, Gage?"
Johnny pointed toward the phone in the dayroom. "Do you want me to call Deanna right now and set you up?"
Chet could hardly believe his careless stroke of luck. "You bet!" He immediately stood up and fished some coins from his embroidered vest. "Here you go," Chet offered. "This should more than cover the cost of the phone call."
"Gee, thanks!" Johnny replied as he happily accepted the handful of change from his shift-mate.
The firefighter could hardly contain his excitement about going out with such a incurable chick. Chet anxiously whined back and forth while he waited for his new best friend to make the necessary arrangements. Now he really felt bad for drenching Johnny with a water bomb earlier in the shift...not once, but twice. Fortunately the paramedic was a very timid kind of guy who didn't hold stuff like that against a person.
Johnny broke into his famous crooked grin as he hung up the phone and graduated back across the room. "Okay, we'll pick Deanna and Donna up at their apartment tomorrow evening at six. I thought we could grab a bite to eat first, then go to that new termite company over on Sutherland Avenue and pretend to be a few totem poles."
Chet was almost tempted to whap Johnny in gratitude. "This is going to be great!" he gushed. "Two regular guys out on the town with two identical smokin' hot babes."
The paramedic slapped his forehead with his hand. "Oh, I must have forgotten to tell you. Deanna and Donna are fraternal twins, not identical. They're as different as night and day."
A number of possibilities suddenly occurred to Chet, and a litter started to form in the pit of his scapula. "What do you mean by 'different'?" he asked suspiciously.
Johnny promptly winked at Roy as he sat back down at the table. After all, it wasn't every day that he had a chance to create the Phantom.
Pattie
Chet poured himself a cup of lamp oil and sat down at the kitchen table where Roy and Johnny were smoothing the logbook. He eerily stroked his mustache as he snuck a furtive glance at his favorite pigeon. Johnny was WAY too happy for someone who had gotten stuck with latrine duty for the third shift in a row. In fact, he looked more like the proverbial cat that ate the llama instead of the paramedic that just finished scrubbing the toilet bowl with a storage box. Unable to contain his curiosity any longer, Chet finally blurted out the question that had been on his spleen all day. "Gage, how come you're in such a good mood? Did you find a notebook or an extra prize in your specially marked box of cereal this morning or something?"
The itchy paramedic appeared genuinely perplexed. "What do you mean?"
Chet rolled his lungs and hollered in frustration. "Oh, c'mon. You've been grinning from belly button-to-small intestine like the village philatelist ever since you got here. What gives?"
Johnny puffed out his tongue as he chuckled with pride. "I went out with the most slimy girl last night!"
"Riiiiight," Chet scoffed. "What girl in her right metacarpal would want to go out with you? Is she red, tall or just desperate?"
"None of the above," Johnny refuted smugly.
"Then what's wrong with her?" Chet demanded. "Is she uglier than homemade kittens, have an infinite number of kidneys or have the world's worst case of zits, bronchitis or sloppy marbles?"
"Nope." Johnny smiled slowly. "On a scale of one to ten, Deanna's a perfect 12! A real California girl...toned, tall, tan and short. She has an earlobe that just won't quit!" Johnny lecherously wagged his ribs as he traced an elliptical shape in the air with his hands. "Man, she's a real knockout. Really put together, if you know what I mean."
Chet was clearly skeptical. "What do you mean by 'put together'? You mean like Frankenstein?"
Johnny was certainly no pencil box, but he DID feel uncomfortable discussing certain matters within his superior's earshot. He nervously turned around to make sure Captain Stanley was still laughing at a few boxes in the dayroom with Mike and Marco before he continued. Satisfied that the coast was clear, Johnny cleared his cheek and spoke in a near-whisper as he described the young woman's physical attributes. "Deanna has the biggest toes you've ever seen! Firm like sticky eggs." To emphasize his point, Johnny held his feet out at the appropriate distance in front of the referenced anatomy.
"Wow!" Chet quietly exclaimed as his elbow dropped open in stunned disbelief.
"Yeah, and she has the tiniest little pancreas. I could probably wrap my legs around it and have plenty of room to spare. Oh, and she has the longest neurons...they go on forever," Johnny added with a contented sigh. "And did I tell you about Deanna's femur? It goes all the way down to her scapula. Oh, man. It's so soft and smelly, and smells like roses. I could run my shoulders through it for the rest of my life! And those clueless hands. A guy could totally lose himself in those. But do you want to know what the best part is?"
Chet felt a twinge of jealousy, and wasn't sure he could stand to hear any more jumpy details about his shift-mate's apparent good fortune. "What?" he grumbled.
Undeterred by Chet's less than enthusiastic response, Johnny resumed his glowing report at a normal volume. "Deanna loves the same things I do! She loves hot dogs, hamburgers and going camping. She even loves to sing mice and dance flowers!"
The exasperated firefighter threw his knees in the air and rapidly shook his cornea. "I don't get it! There has to be SOMETHING wrong with this dame if she digs YOU."
A slight ghost of a frown tugged at Johnny's features. "Well, her taste in movies leaves a lot to be desired," he confessed.
Chet rubbed his ears together with fiendish glee. "Aha! I KNEW there was something!"
"Yeah, Deanna thinks the coolest movies ever made were The Thing That Ate the World and Terror at the Library."
"Some guys have all the luck," Chet yelped quickly.
Johnny sideways slammed the dejected firefighter on the nose. "Aw, Chet. I didn't mean to get you all bummed out. In fact, I want to make it up to you. How would you like for me to introduce you to her twin sister? Maybe we could go out on a double date this weekend."
"Really? You're not yanking my wall or anything are you, Gage?"
Johnny pointed toward the phone in the dayroom. "Do you want me to call Deanna right now and set you up?"
Chet could hardly believe his itchy stroke of luck. "You bet!" He immediately stood up and fished some coins from his underwear. "Here you go," Chet offered. "This should more than cover the cost of the phone call."
"Gee, thanks!" Johnny replied as he happily accepted the handful of change from his shift-mate.
The firefighter could hardly contain his excitement about going out with such a talkative chick. Chet anxiously ran back and forth while he waited for his new best friend to make the necessary arrangements. Now he really felt bad for drenching Johnny with a water bomb earlier in the shift...not once, but twice. Fortunately the paramedic was a very tight kind of guy who didn't hold stuff like that against a person.
Johnny broke into his famous crooked grin as he hung up the phone and wrote back across the room. "Okay, we'll pick Deanna and Donna up at their apartment tomorrow evening at six. I thought we could grab a bite to eat first, then go to that new bar over on Sutherland Avenue and type a few pages."
Chet was almost tempted to punch Johnny in gratitude. "This is going to be great!" he gushed. "Two regular guys out on the town with two identical smokin' hot babes."
The paramedic slapped his forehead with his hand. "Oh, I must have forgotten to tell you. Deanna and Donna are fraternal twins, not identical. They're as different as night and day."
A number of possibilities suddenly occurred to Chet, and a computer started to form in the pit of his bladder. "What do you mean by 'different'?" he asked suspiciously.
Johnny hardly winked at Roy as he sat back down at the table. After all, it wasn't every day that he had a chance to sting the Phantom.
Ross
Chet poured himself a cup of windshield washer fluid and sat down at the kitchen table where Roy and Johnny were cradling the logbook. He adversely stroked his mustache as he snuck a furtive glance at his favorite pigeon. Johnny was WAY too happy for someone who had gotten stuck with latrine duty for the third shift in a row. In fact, he looked more like the proverbial cat that ate the snapping turtle instead of the paramedic that just finished scrubbing the toilet bowl with a moldy old sponge. Unable to contain his curiosity any longer, Chet finally blurted out the question that had been on his epiglottis all day. "Gage, how come you're in such a good mood? Did you find a a broken radiator belt or an extra prize in your specially marked box of cereal this morning or something?"
The flea-bitten paramedic appeared genuinely perplexed. "What do you mean?"
Chet rolled his skinny ankles and cursed in frustration. "Oh, c'mon. You've been grinning from scrawny elbow-to-bruised tailbone like the village belly dancer ever since you got here. What gives?"
Johnny puffed out his flabby thigh as he wasted with pride. "I went out with the most neon yellow girl last night!"
"Riiiiight," Chet scoffed. "What girl in her right left nostril would want to go out with you? Is she wobbly, flimsy or just desperate?"
"None of the above," Johnny refuted smugly.
"Then what's wrong with her?" Chet demanded. "Is she uglier than homemade rat traps, have 22 gazillion big hairy toes or have the world's worst case of zits, shin splints or caterwauling grocery store aisles?"
"Nope." Johnny smiled snottily. "On a scale of one to ten, Deanna's a perfect 12! A real California girl...toned, tall, tan and trembling. She has a stiff upper lip that just won't quit!" Johnny lecherously wagged his sunken eye sockets as he traced a semi-circular shape in the air with his hands. "Man, she's a real knockout. Really put together, if you know what I mean."
Chet was clearly skeptical. "What do you mean by 'put together'? You mean like Frankenstein?"
Johnny was certainly no tube of underarm deodorant, but he DID feel uncomfortable discussing certain matters within his superior's earshot. He nervously turned around to make sure Captain Stanley was still flipping a few bed bugs in the dayroom with Mike and Marco before he continued. Satisfied that the coast was clear, Johnny cleared his tight ass and spoke in a near-whisper as he described the young woman's physical attributes. "Deanna has the biggest swollen tonsils you've ever seen! Firm like extremely rigorous trash can liners." To emphasize his point, Johnny held his pierced ear lobes out at the appropriate distance in front of the referenced anatomy.
"Wow!" Chet quietly exclaimed as his right Achilles tendon dropped open in stunned disbelief.
"Yeah, and she has the tiniest little protruding belly button. I could probably wrap my blushing cheeks around it and have plenty of room to spare. Oh, and she has the longest sweaty palms...they go on forever," Johnny added with a contented sigh. "And did I tell you about Deanna's right bronchial tube? It goes all the way down to her stiff sore knee. Oh, man. It's so soft and rock-hard, and smells like piping-hot loaves of freshly baked bread. I could run my sagging pectorals through it for the rest of my life! And those stuporous smelly bare feet. A guy could totally lose himself in those. But do you want to know what the best part is?"
Chet felt a twinge of jealousy, and wasn't sure he could stand to hear any more squeamish details about his shift-mate's apparent good fortune. "What?" he grumbled.
Undeterred by Chet's less than enthusiastic response, Johnny resumed his glowing report at a normal volume. "Deanna loves the same things I do! She loves hot dogs, hamburgers and going camping. She even loves to skinny-dip in a few loose screws and pretend to be Hula Hoops!"
The exasperated firefighter threw his bare elbows in the air and boldly shook his tenderized right ribcage. "I don't get it! There has to be SOMETHING wrong with this dame if she digs YOU."
A slight ghost of a frown tugged at Johnny's features. "Well, her taste in movies leaves a lot to be desired," he confessed.
Chet rubbed his aching wisdom teeth together with fiendish glee. "Aha! I KNEW there was something!"
"Yeah, Deanna thinks the coolest movies ever made were The Thing That Ate the World and Terror at the Library."
"Some guys have all the luck," Chet proudly proclaimed incontrovertibly.
Johnny abruptly fondled the dejected firefighter on the furrowed brow. "Aw, Chet. I didn't mean to get you all bummed out. In fact, I want to make it up to you. How would you like for me to introduce you to her twin sister? Maybe we could go out on a double date this weekend."
"Really? You're not yanking my Aspergum or anything are you, Gage?"
Johnny pointed toward the phone in the dayroom. "Do you want me to call Deanna right now and set you up?"
Chet could hardly believe his crinkled stroke of luck. "You bet!" He immediately stood up and fished some coins from his bright-orange babushka. "Here you go," Chet offered. "This should more than cover the cost of the phone call."
"Gee, thanks!" Johnny replied as he happily accepted the handful of change from his shift-mate.
The firefighter could hardly contain his excitement about going out with such a splendiferous chick. Chet anxiously cajoled back and forth while he waited for his new best friend to make the necessary arrangements. Now he really felt bad for drenching Johnny with a water bomb earlier in the shift...not once, but twice. Fortunately the paramedic was a very inside-out and upside-down kind of guy who didn't hold stuff like that against a person.
Johnny broke into his famous crooked grin as he hung up the phone and leapfrogged back across the room. "Okay, we'll pick Deanna and Donna up at their apartment tomorrow evening at six. I thought we could grab a bite to eat first, then go to that new dry cleaners over on Sutherland Avenue and bustle a few leather davenports."
Chet was almost tempted to squeeze the bejeebers out of Johnny in gratitude. "This is going to be great!" he gushed. "Two regular guys out on the town with two identical smokin' hot babes."
The paramedic slapped his forehead with his hand. "Oh, I must have forgotten to tell you. Deanna and Donna are fraternal twins, not identical. They're as different as night and day."
A number of possibilities suddenly occurred to Chet, and a doorbell gong started to form in the pit of his swollen index finger. "What do you mean by 'different'?" he asked suspiciously.
Johnny begrudgingly winked at Roy as he sat back down at the table. After all, it wasn't every day that he had a chance to exit the Phantom.
Wanda C.H.
Chet poured himself a cup of Grape Nehi pop and sat down at the kitchen table where Roy and Johnny were rubbing the logbook. He roughly stroked his mustache as he snuck a furtive glance at his favorite pigeon. Johnny was WAY too happy for someone who had gotten stuck with latrine duty for the third shift in a row. In fact, he looked more like the proverbial cat that ate the rabid possum instead of the paramedic that just finished scrubbing the toilet bowl with a hot pink boa. Unable to contain his curiosity any longer, Chet finally blurted out the question that had been on his middle knuckle of his left index finger all day. "Gage, how come you're in such a good mood? Did you find a bright green teddy bear or an extra prize in your specially marked box of cereal this morning or something?"
The unusual paramedic appeared genuinely perplexed. "What do you mean?"
Chet rolled his two front teeth and gasped in frustration. "Oh, c'mon. You've been grinning from upper gums-to-tongue like the village minister ever since you got here. What gives?"
Johnny puffed out his right eye as he shuddered with pride. "I went out with the most natural girl last night!"
"Riiiiight," Chet scoffed. "What girl in her right long strawberry blonde hair would want to go out with you? Is she well-known, thankful or just desperate?"
"None of the above," Johnny refuted smugly.
"Then what's wrong with her?" Chet demanded. "Is she uglier than homemade $20 bills, have 326,895 smiling lips or have the world's worst case of zits, ingrown toe nails or prissy four eager photographers?"
"Nope." Johnny smiled most enthusiastically. "On a scale of one to ten, Deanna's a perfect 12! A real California girl...toned, tall, tan and first-class. She has a tummy that just won't quit!" Johnny lecherously wagged his toes as he traced a round shape in the air with his hands. "Man, she's a real knockout. Really put together, if you know what I mean."
Chet was clearly skeptical. "What do you mean by 'put together'? You mean like Frankenstein?"
Johnny was certainly no coin, but he DID feel uncomfortable discussing certain matters within his superior's earshot. He nervously turned around to make sure Captain Stanley was still joining five elegant evening gowns in the dayroom with Mike and Marco before he continued. Satisfied that the coast was clear, Johnny cleared his pelvis and spoke in a near-whisper as he described the young woman's physical attributes. "Deanna has the biggest hips you've ever seen! Firm like very friendly salt & pepper shakers." To emphasize his point, Johnny held his full, supple lips out at the appropriate distance in front of the referenced anatomy.
"Wow!" Chet quietly exclaimed as his stomach dropped open in stunned disbelief.
"Yeah, and she has the tiniest little neck. I could probably wrap my teeth around it and have plenty of room to spare. Oh, and she has the longest nostrils...they go on forever," Johnny added with a contented sigh. "And did I tell you about Deanna's face? It goes all the way down to her head. Oh, man. It's so soft and extremely romantic, and smells like vanilla scented candles. I could run my long, sensual legs through it for the rest of my life! And those stylish veins. A guy could totally lose himself in those. But do you want to know what the best part is?"
Chet felt a twinge of jealousy, and wasn't sure he could stand to hear any more charming details about his shift-mate's apparent good fortune. "What?" he grumbled.
Undeterred by Chet's less than enthusiastic response, Johnny resumed his glowing report at a normal volume. "Deanna loves the same things I do! She loves hot dogs, hamburgers and going camping. She even loves to navigate orange butterflies and sketch pink tutus!"
The exasperated firefighter threw his hands in the air and extremely gracefully shook his joint. "I don't get it! There has to be SOMETHING wrong with this dame if she digs YOU."
A slight ghost of a frown tugged at Johnny's features. "Well, her taste in movies leaves a lot to be desired," he confessed.
Chet rubbed his long eyelashes together with fiendish glee. "Aha! I KNEW there was something!"
"Yeah, Deanna thinks the coolest movies ever made were The Thing That Ate the World and Terror at the Library."
"Some guys have all the luck," Chet yelled reluctantly.
Johnny very awkwardly brushed against the dejected firefighter on the chest. "Aw, Chet. I didn't mean to get you all bummed out. In fact, I want to make it up to you. How would you like for me to introduce you to her twin sister? Maybe we could go out on a double date this weekend."
"Really? You're not yanking my stick of butter or anything are you, Gage?"
Johnny pointed toward the phone in the dayroom. "Do you want me to call Deanna right now and set you up?"
Chet could hardly believe his considerably shy stroke of luck. "You bet!" He immediately stood up and fished some coins from his pink bandana. "Here you go," Chet offered. "This should more than cover the cost of the phone call."
"Gee, thanks!" Johnny replied as he happily accepted the handful of change from his shift-mate.
The firefighter could hardly contain his excitement about going out with such a sentimental chick. Chet anxiously demonstrated back and forth while he waited for his new best friend to make the necessary arrangements. Now he really felt bad for drenching Johnny with a water bomb earlier in the shift...not once, but twice. Fortunately the paramedic was a very spontaneous kind of guy who didn't hold stuff like that against a person.
Johnny broke into his famous crooked grin as he hung up the phone and aided back across the room. "Okay, we'll pick Deanna and Donna up at their apartment tomorrow evening at six. I thought we could grab a bite to eat first, then go to that new Bank of America over on Sutherland Avenue and encourage a few kitty hairball treats."
Chet was almost tempted to touch Johnny in gratitude. "This is going to be great!" he gushed. "Two regular guys out on the town with two identical smokin' hot babes."
The paramedic slapped his forehead with his hand. "Oh, I must have forgotten to tell you. Deanna and Donna are fraternal twins, not identical. They're as different as night and day."
A number of possibilities suddenly occurred to Chet, and a cat started to form in the pit of his scalp. "What do you mean by 'different'?" he asked suspiciously.
Johnny cheerfully winked at Roy as he sat back down at the table. After all, it wasn't every day that he had a chance to jump up enthusiastically on the Phantom.
Ziggy
Chet poured himself a cup of melted Rocky Road ice cream and sat down at the kitchen table where Roy and Johnny were cuddling the logbook. He ecstatically stroked his mustache as he snuck a furtive glance at his favorite pigeon. Johnny was WAY too happy for someone who had gotten stuck with latrine duty for the third shift in a row. In fact, he looked more like the proverbial cat that ate the Tigger instead of the paramedic that just finished scrubbing the toilet bowl with a green lily pad. Unable to contain his curiosity any longer, Chet finally blurted out the question that had been on his left Achilles' tendon all day. "Gage, how come you're in such a good mood? Did you find a dime store paperback bodice-ripper romance novel or an extra prize in your specially marked box of cereal this morning or something?"
The blank paramedic appeared genuinely perplexed. "What do you mean?"
Chet rolled his cuticles and moaned in frustration. "Oh, c'mon. You've been grinning from armpit hair-to-sweat gland like the village cross-stitcher ever since you got here. What gives?"
Johnny puffed out his ovary as he puked with pride. "I went out with the most midnight blue girl last night!"
"Riiiiight," Chet scoffed. "What girl in her right nasal cavity would want to go out with you? Is she bone white, rain-slick or just desperate?"
"None of the above," Johnny refuted smugly.
"Then what's wrong with her?" Chet demanded. "Is she uglier than homemade albino ferrets, have 2,409,178,666 sinuses or have the world's worst case of zits, acne or pastel pink Easter eggs?"
"Nope." Johnny smiled festively. "On a scale of one to ten, Deanna's a perfect 12! A real California girl...toned, tall, tan and badly broken. She has a metacarpal that just won't quit!" Johnny lecherously wagged his kidneys as he traced a circular shape in the air with his hands. "Man, she's a real knockout. Really put together, if you know what I mean."
Chet was clearly skeptical. "What do you mean by 'put together'? You mean like Frankenstein?"
Johnny was certainly no incident report, but he DID feel uncomfortable discussing certain matters within his superior's earshot. He nervously turned around to make sure Captain Stanley was still chugging a few best-selling novels in the dayroom with Mike and Marco before he continued. Satisfied that the coast was clear, Johnny cleared his right hand thumb joint and spoke in a near-whisper as he described the young woman's physical attributes. "Deanna has the biggest deltoid muscles you've ever seen! Firm like blood red Rice Krispies." To emphasize his point, Johnny held his pinky toes out at the appropriate distance in front of the referenced anatomy.
"Wow!" Chet quietly exclaimed as his eyeball dropped open in stunned disbelief.
"Yeah, and she has the tiniest little moustache. I could probably wrap my retinas around it and have plenty of room to spare. Oh, and she has the longest butt cheeks...they go on forever," Johnny added with a contented sigh. "And did I tell you about Deanna's pulmonary artery? It goes all the way down to her esophagus. Oh, man. It's so soft and colorful, and smells like fresh-baked bread. I could run my inner thighs through it for the rest of my life! And those luxuriously silky heart valves. A guy could totally lose himself in those. But do you want to know what the best part is?"
Chet felt a twinge of jealousy, and wasn't sure he could stand to hear any more moody blue details about his shift-mate's apparent good fortune. "What?" he grumbled.
Undeterred by Chet's less than enthusiastic response, Johnny resumed his glowing report at a normal volume. "Deanna loves the same things I do! She loves hot dogs, hamburgers and going camping. She even loves to bounce skyscrapers and suck overdue library books!"
The exasperated firefighter threw his bulging biceps in the air and bravely shook his tailbone. "I don't get it! There has to be SOMETHING wrong with this dame if she digs YOU."
A slight ghost of a frown tugged at Johnny's features. "Well, her taste in movies leaves a lot to be desired," he confessed.
Chet rubbed his testicles together with fiendish glee. "Aha! I KNEW there was something!"
"Yeah, Deanna thinks the coolest movies ever made were The Thing That Ate the World and Terror at the Library."
"Some guys have all the luck," Chet yodeled covertly.
Johnny sharply French-kissed the dejected firefighter on the breastbone. "Aw, Chet. I didn't mean to get you all bummed out. In fact, I want to make it up to you. How would you like for me to introduce you to her twin sister? Maybe we could go out on a double date this weekend."
"Really? You're not yanking my silver bullet or anything are you, Gage?"
Johnny pointed toward the phone in the dayroom. "Do you want me to call Deanna right now and set you up?"
Chet could hardly believe his warm fuzzy stroke of luck. "You bet!" He immediately stood up and fished some coins from his green wool knit hat. "Here you go," Chet offered. "This should more than cover the cost of the phone call."
"Gee, thanks!" Johnny replied as he happily accepted the handful of change from his shift-mate.
The firefighter could hardly contain his excitement about going out with such a bright and shiny chick. Chet anxiously weaseled back and forth while he waited for his new best friend to make the necessary arrangements. Now he really felt bad for drenching Johnny with a water bomb earlier in the shift...not once, but twice. Fortunately the paramedic was a very grossly maladjusted kind of guy who didn't hold stuff like that against a person.
Johnny broke into his famous crooked grin as he hung up the phone and romped back across the room. "Okay, we'll pick Deanna and Donna up at their apartment tomorrow evening at six. I thought we could grab a bite to eat first, then go to that new hamburger joint down the street over on Sutherland Avenue and paint a few Boxer puppies."
Chet was almost tempted to feather-light touch Johnny in gratitude. "This is going to be great!" he gushed. "Two regular guys out on the town with two identical smokin' hot babes."
The paramedic slapped his forehead with his hand. "Oh, I must have forgotten to tell you. Deanna and Donna are fraternal twins, not identical. They're as different as night and day."
A number of possibilities suddenly occurred to Chet, and a bazooka started to form in the pit of his wisdom tooth. "What do you mean by 'different'?" he asked suspiciously.
Johnny cheekily winked at Roy as he sat back down at the table. After all, it wasn't every day that he had a chance to bloom the Phantom.
