Missing Memories

By Mychand

Roy Desoto lay sideways in his bed with a blanket pulled up to his ears. Twice his two children came in to check on him.  Three times his wife came
in and sat at the end of the bed, not knowing what to say.  Finally, on her fourth trip she spoke up.

“I know you’re hurting. I’m not trying to be insensitive but you do have a wife and two kids that need you too.”

Roy didn’t move. He just spoke in a calm, low, voice.  “Joanne, you know that you and the kids are my world.  I love you. It’s just that Johnny was
an important part of my life and I’m having a hard time dealing with everything that’s happened. I just need time to myself.  Can you understand
that?”

“Okay, I understand.  I’m going to take the kids next door to Sarah’s. I have a few errands I need to run.”

“Alright. Thanks. I’ll see ya later.”

Joanne took her children to the babysitter’s house and jumped into her car. “I’m going to do whatever it takes to get through to him,” she thought to
herself. “I just have to.”


Three weeks earlier…


Johnny Gage squinted at the sight below him.  He wasn’t thrilled about being so high up and over water.  The crew had been called out to help a young couple down from a broken Ferris wheel that was located at the end of a peer.

“Hey, Roy. You doin okay?” he asked. “It’s a bit slippery up here. I can’t seem to find anything I can attach to.”

“Yeah, just take it really slow.  You’re almost there.  I don’t think we’ll be able to get them down the way we came up.”

“You’re right. It’s too dangerous.”

Roy edged his way up behind Johnny and managed to prop himself up on a metal bar beside him. Before he could get his balance on the bar, Johnny slipped. Roy reached out and grabbed his partner with one hand and a second bar with the other.  Johnny’s hand was gripping Roy’s arm.

“Roy, I can’t hold on.  I’ll take you down with me.  Just swing me out and I ’ll go into the water.”

“I can’t.  I don’t think I can swing you out enough.  You might hit the peer.”

“It’s my only hope. If you don’t I’ll hit the peer anyway. COME ON!  SWING ME OUT!”

It took all the energy Roy had left to swing his partner out before they both let go of their grip on one another. Johnny fell fast and to Roy’s
horror, he caught the edge of the peer before descending into the water.  He quickly jumped in after is partner.

Johnny’s world went black as his body bounced off of the end of the peer. The cold water quickly penetrated the fog he was in. “Oh my God. I’m
drowning,” he thought. “I….I can’t panic.”

His lungs were burning.  He tried desperately to figure out which way was up.  He felt someone take a strong hold around his waist. His first instinct
was to fight back but unconsciousness overtook him and he went limp as his partner quickly pulled him to the surface and held his head above the water.

Coast Guard boats that had been waiting to assist with the Ferris wheel rescue quickly came to the aid of the men. Johnny was pulled up and CPR had been started before Roy made it to the deck of the boat. Roy quickly took over.  After a few minutes Johnny’s breathing was shallow but he was doing it on his own.  Roy was handed a towel to help stop the bleeding from the side of Johnny’s head.  “Hang in there, partner,” Roy said, knowing that Johnny couldn’t hear him. “I’m so sorry, Johnny.  I just couldn’t swing you out far enough.”

Another crew was called out to assist the trapped couple.  Roy was relieved that he was able to take Johnny in to Rampart by helicopter. Still, the ride seemed like an eternity.

Dixie made Roy wait outside while Doctor Early examined his partner.  He sat down in the lobby and stared at the floor.  An hour later Dixie came out to find him.

“Roy, are you okay?” she asked.

“Huh? Oh, yeah. I’m fine. How’s Johnny?”

“He’s holding his own.  He suffered a concussion and Doctor Early is concerned he may be developing pneumonia.  He’s still unconscious so that
has us a little worried.”

“When can I see him?”  Roy’s face looked white as a ghost.

“Roy, why don’t you stay right here and I’ll call your wife to come down and sit with you.  It’ll be at least an hour before you’ll be able to see
Johnny.”

“Oh, I don’t think…….well, okay.” Roy started to tell Dixie that he didn’t need Joanne to come down but he quickly changed his mind.

“Are you sure you’re okay?  I think maybe we should have Doctor Early check you out too.”

Roy was in a fog. “Uh, okay.”  Why fight it.

Forty-five minutes later, Roy found himself laying on a gurney and looking up at his wife. “Roy, are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. I just felt a little funny.  It was a rough rescue.”

“I heard.  Have you seen Johnny yet?”

“No.  Dixie came by a few minutes ago.  She said she had an update but that I’d have to wait.  The tone of her voice is making me a little nervous.”

Joanne grabbed her husband’s hand. “Come on now, don’t worry. I’m sure Johnny’s going to be fine.”

“I hope you’re right. You didn’t see him fall.  I tried to swing him out. I told him I didn’t think I could do it.  Damn, if only I could have swung him
out a bit farther.”

“Roy, don’t beat yourself up over this,” said Dixie as she caught the end of the conversation.  “From what I hear, you saved his life.”

“Yeah…….hey, can I get up now?”

“You sure can.  You’re free to go.  Joanne, please take him home and make him get some rest.”

“I promise,” replied Joanne. “Come on, Roy. Let’s get going.”

Roy sat up and slowly got to his feet. “Wait a minute. I haven’t seen Johnny yet. Dixie, what’s going on?  Why can’t I see him?”

“Now, Roy. I didn’t say you couldn’t see him. It’s just that we think it would be best if you waited until tomorrow.”

Roy was getting irritated. “Why?  What’s wrong?”

Dixie was slow to answer. “Well, Johnny regained consciousness a little while ago.  Right now he’s having a little bit of trouble remembering
things.  The doctors felt it would be best to limit any excitement for him right now.”

“What kind of things can’t he remember?” Roy was afraid to ask.

“He doesn’t know who he is or even who any of us are.  But, the doctors feel it’s only temporary.  Things may be better in the morning.”

“MAY…. be better?”

Roy wanted to argue but he was too exhausted. Joanne put her arm around his waist as they made their way to the car.  He fell asleep before they were half way home.


“Roy? Come on honey. We’re home.”

He opened his eyes and squinted. “Oh, okay.”

Within minutes, Roy was in his own bed and sound asleep.  Morning came quickly and he called the hospital to get an update on Johnny.

“Hey, Dixie.  I was just calling to check on Johnny.”

“Oh, hi, Roy.  Well, I went in to see him earlier.  Unfortunately, there’s been no change as far as the amnesia goes.  Physically, he’s getting
stronger.  He hasn’t developed pneumonia and it appears his concussion is only minor. The cut on his head looked worse than it was.

“So, no idea why the amnesia?” Roy questioned.

“No.  The doctors are stumped.  They can’t find any real reason that he would have lost his memory.  They think it could just be from the who trauma of the event.”

“When can I see him?”

“Well, I’ll talk to Doctor Early and call you back.”

Roy tried to hide his impatience. “Okay.  Please call back soon.  I really need to see him.”

“I know you do.  I’ll call you as soon as I have an answer.”


Roy wasn’t allowed to see Johnny until the next day.  The doctors didn’t want any unnecessary stress added to their patient.  Once he was allowed to see him, Roy was a bit nervous.

“Just be patient and don’t push too hard,” advised Dixie. “He can’t help that he doesn’t remember you. He’s having a hard time with it.  It’s scary
not knowing who you are.”

“I’ll be careful,” replied Roy. “Thanks, Dixie.”


Roy slowly opened the door to Johnny’s room.  Johnny was lying on his back, staring up at the ceiling.

“Hi, how’re you doing?” asked Roy.

Johnny looked down and stared at his partner.  “I’m fine, I guess.  You don’t look like a doctor.  Can I help you with something?”

Although he had prepared himself, Roy was stunned. “Uh, no. My name is Roy Desoto. I’m a paramedic.  I guess they told you that you were a paramedic too?”

“Oh, yeah. They told me,” replied Johnny. “So, we must work together, huh?”

Roy let out the breath he was holding. “Yeah, we’re partners.”

Johnny shook his head. “Oh, I wish I could remember that.”

“I know. It’s okay. I just wanted to come by and see how you were doing.  I’ll only stay a minute.  Is there anything you need or want?”

“No, not really. That’s nice of you to ask.”

Roy felt awkward and tried to hide it. “Well, okay. I guess I’ll go then. Uh, take it easy.”

“Sure, thanks. It was nice meeting you,” replied Johnny.

Roy walked out of Johnny’s room and rested his back against the corridor wall. Early noticed him and came up to greet him.  “Wasn’t as easy as you thought it’d be, huh?”

Desoto shook his head. “No, that didn’t even seem like Johnny.  It was so weird. I’ve never felt that uncomfortable around him.”

“Hang in there, Roy.  I have faith that he’ll recall his memories in no time. The accident was traumatic for him. I think he’s just suppressing it
all.”


Three days later, Johnny was getting tired of the hospital.  Doctor Early came in to examine him.

“Doc, when can I get out of here?” he asked.

“Well, Johnny.  Do you recall anything about where you live?”

Johnny sighed.  “You know I don’t.  I know I don’t live here.  This place is really getting to me. I’m tired of all of the poking and prodding.  I mean,
the nurses are cute but they all seem to snub me.”

Early stifled a laugh.  “Sorry, Johnny.  If you’ll talk to a counselor, I’ll see about getting you released based on his feedback.”

“Fine. I’ll talk to someone. I don’t think it’ll do any good but if it will get me out of here, I’ll try.”

“Great, I’ve set you up an appointment for tomorrow morning.” Early smiled.

“Hey, how did you now I’d go along with it?”

“Let’s just say that you may not know yourself but I sure do know you, Johnny.”

Johnny smiled. “Okay, doc. Ya got me.”


The next morning Johnny met with the counselor.  He was frustrated about not being able to recall who he was or anything else about his life.

“Johnny, do you recall anything about being a paramedic?” asked the counselor.

“No, nothing.”

“Has anyone told you about your accident?  Did they tell you how you ended up in the hospital?”

“Well, no, not really. Everyone seems so scared to talk to me. How did I end up here?”

“You and your partner were on a rescue at the peer.”

“Oh, yeah, him. He came by to see me.”

“Yes. His name is Roy.  He filled me on what happened to you.  Apparently you were trying to assist a couple that was stuck on top of a Ferris wheel. You slipped and fell into the water, hitting your head on the way down.”

Johnny felt ambivalent to the story. “Wow, sounds pretty bad. No wonder I can’t remember anything.”

“Does anything about what I told you trigger any memories?”

“No, sorry.  I don’t remember that at all.”

“Okay, well, I’ll talk to Doctor Early and see if we can’t get you released tomorrow morning. Maybe going home to more familiar surroundings will help.”

“That’s great!  Thanks!” Johnny was happy to be free of the hospital even if he didn’t recall where he lived.


Johnny was starting to get use to strangers coming in and out of his hospital room. He wasn’t thrilled with it, but he realized that he was getting more comfortable with it. One in particular even gave him a feeling of relief much to his surprise.

“Who is it this time?  A long lost relative?” Johnny’s voice was sarcastic.

“Nope. It’s just an old friend that you work with.  Be nice. His name is Chet Kelly.”

“Okay, I’ll be nice if it gets me out of here,” replied Johnny.

Chet walked in and quietly sat down beside Johnny’s bed.  He stared at Johnny, not quite sure what he should say.  Finally, the silence got the
best of him and he spoke up. “Hi, Johnny. How’re ya feeling?”

“I’m doing okay, thanks.  Can you do me a favor though?”

“Sure, anything. What do ya need?”

“Well, everyone seems to walk on egg shells around me.  For some reason I get the feeling you aren’t that type.”

Chet laughed. “Good guess.”

“Well, Dixie says we worked together.  How about telling me some stories about work?”

“Uh, okay. I’ll be glad to.”

Johnny began to regret his request.  Chet talked non-stop for two hours. He told Johnny all about his relationship with Roy and how he Chet usually
picked on each other.  Gage was amused with some of it but he grew tired of the stories pretty quickly.

“Thanks, Chet. I appreciate the stories but I’m getting kinda tired now.”

“Oh, yeah. I’m sorry. I guess I have been here awhile.  I’ll check back on you tomorrow.”

“Actually, they’re letting me out of here tomorrow.  But…thanks.”

“You’re welcome. Do you need a ride home?”

“Yeah, I do.  You’d do that for me? I take it that you know where I live?”

"Yes, and sure I would.  Here. Let me write down my number for you.  Call me when you're released and I'll come and pick you up."

Dixie came by early the next morning to let Johnny know he would be released in a few hours. The paramedic made the phone call to notify his ride.

Chet picked Johnny up from the hospital as they'd agreed.  He couldn't help but notice that Johnny was much quieter than he'd been the day before.

“You nervous about going home?” asked Chet.

“Huh? Oh, no. I’m just tired,” replied Johnny. “It was a long night. I didn’t get much sleep.”

“Did anything I told you help to jog your memory?”

“No. Sorry.”

“That’s okay.  It’ll come back.  We really miss ya at the station.  I know that might surprise you coming from me. Actually, maybe it wouldn’t since
you don’t remember anything.” Chet looked somber.

“I’m sorry.  Thanks for taking me home.”

Chet helped Johnny into the apartment. “Oh, I almost forgot.  Roy said he’d be stopping by to see you later this afternoon.”

“Why?”

“He’s your partner. He just wants to make sure you’re alright, that’s all.”

“Okay.  Well, thanks again for the ride home.” Johnny didn’t want to seem ungrateful but he really wanted some time alone.

“Sure. Anytime. I guess I’ll see ya around.”

“Yeah, I guess so,” replied Johnny.


Roy didn’t show up that day.  Instead he decided to wait a few days until Johnny had time to settle back into his home.  He’d hoped the time would jar Johnny’s memories.

As he walked up to the door, he got a queasy feeling as he knocked.  “I can’t believe how nervous I am,” he thought. “This is Johnny.”

Johnny opened the door and stared at Roy. “Oh, hi,” he said.

“Hey, Johnny.  Can I come in?”

Johnny moved out of the doorway and motioned for Roy to come through. “Sure, come on in. What brings you over?”

“I just wanted to see how you were doing.  I was also wondering if you had considered coming back to work?”

“Work? How can I come back to work? I don’t know anything about being a paramedic. Look, don’t push me, okay.”

Roy was surprised by Johnny’s reaction. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to push. I just know how much you loved being a paramedic.  Maybe you’ll recall more than you think.”

“I doubt that. If I loved being a paramedic so much, I’d remember,” Johnny shot back. “Look, I think you should leave now.  You’re giving me a
headache.”

“I’m sorry.  I’ll go. Please, if there’s anything you need.  Just call me.”

“Fine, I’ll call. I’m sure I’ll be okay.”

Roy looked pale when he walked into is house. His wife couldn’t help but notice the sad look on his face. “Roy, what’s wrong?  Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. I’m just so worried about Johnny.  This is my fault. If only I could have swung him out farther.  He doesn’t even want to try and go
to the station.”

“Look, Early told us that this wasn’t going to be easy. He really does believe that Johnny will get his memory back.  We just have to be patient.
You can’t push him.”

“I know I can’t push him. I just thought he’d want to go back to the station. I figured he’d want to get his memory back. It’s like he just doesn
’t care. He doesn’t seem to want to know who he is and what he does as a paramedic.”

Joanne took her husband’s hand and gave it a slight squeeze. “He will. In time, he will. You’ve got to quit blaming yourself.  It’s not your fault.”

“I really wish I could believe that,” he replied. “I really do.”


It was nearly three weeks since the accident and Joanne was losing her patience.  She had tried several times to talk to Johnny and he always
brushed her off.  Roy was seeping deeper into depression from the loss of his partner and friend.

“Joanne. I decided to take a couple days off of work,” said Roy. “Cap thinks I need time to myself. I haven’t been able to concentrate much lately.”

“Okay, if it will help. What are you going to do while you’re off? Are you going to go and see Johnny?”

“No. It’s no use.  He doesn’t really care to see me. I’ve tried several times. He wouldn’t even talk to you when you called.  I’m just going to get
some rest and do some thinking.”

“Roy, maybe you need to speak to that counselor. If not for Johnny, for  you.”

“I’m not going to talk to a counselor!” Roy was getting angry.  “He didn’t do anything to help Johnny and he certainly can’t do anything to help me.  I caused all of this Joanne. There is nothing that some counselor can tell me to change that.”

“Okay. I’m sorry. Go ahead and get some rest. I’ll check in on you later."


Joanne couldn’t take it any longer. Roy continued to blame himself and neither she nor her children could bring him out of it.  She was going to do
it.  She would confront Johnny and make him listen to her. It had been three weeks since the accident and she wanted to have their lives back to the way they were before.

Joanne knocked on the door of Johnny’s apartment.  She heard some shuffling inside and then the door opened.  “Hi Johnny. I’m Joanne DeSoto. Can I talk to you a moment?”

Johnny stared at her. “Uh, sure.  Come in.”

Joanne walked past Johnny and sat down on his couch.  He followed her and sat in the chair across from her.

“What is it that you want?” asked Johnny.  “You know I can’t remember you. I’ve told you and your husband this already.”

Joanne shifted to the edge of the couch. “I have something to say and I don’t want you to say a word until I’m done.”

Johnny shrugged his shoulders. “Okay, go ahead.”

“First of all, Johnny, this line you’re handing us all is a bunch of bull!”

Gage was about to respond when Joanne held up her hand. “Remember, I said to wait until I’m done.”

Joanne took a deep breath and continued.  “Second, my children. They love you. They’re so heartbroken that you don’t know them and won’t spend time with them.  Do you know how hard it is for me to stand by and watch this? Last, there’s Roy.  He’s your partner and supposedly best friend. You say you don’t remember him.  Well, let me tell you about him.  He’s stricken with grief and is blaming himself for what happened to you. He took time off of work because this is affecting him so badly. He won’t even get out of bed.  The kids keep checking on him. I’ve tried talking to him but he won’t budge.  He thinks he ruined your life.  How can you sit here and let him believe that?  I know something bad happened to you. I know you don’t want to remember it or relive it but it isn’t fair to Roy or the kids that you are allowing them to lose someone they care about so much.”

Joanne was finished.  She sat and stared at Johnny who was leaning over and holding his head in his hands.

“Are you finished?” he asked.

“I’m sorry,” she replied.  “I shouldn’t have come.  I just didn’t know what else to do.  If you say you can’t remember then I guess you can’t.  I just
wanted you to know what this is doing to our family.”

Johnny didn’t move from his chair.  Joanne got up and started to walk out the door.

“Wait! Joanne, wait! Please, come back and sit down.”

Joanne did as instructed. Johnny finally lifted his head and looked at her. She was staring at him, unsure of what he was about to say.

“I’m really sorry.  It was a cop out. I should have told Roy the truth as to why I didn’t want to go back to the station.”

“Oh my God!” thought Joanne. “I was right.”

“I do remember,” Johnny continued.

Joanne wasn’t sure if she should be happy or mad.  “When?  When did you start remembering things?”

“About five days after the accident.  Chet came to see me that day.  He was going on and on and on.  Things just came back to me after that. I started having nightmares about the accident.”

“I don’t understand, Johnny.  Why didn’t you tell anyone?  Why let us all go on suffering like this?”

Johnny sighed.  “I never meant to hurt anyone. I was just so confused. I guess Doctor Early was right.  The accident was traumatic for me.  I wasn’t
sure I still wanted to be a paramedic. Continuing with the amnesia made it easier. I didn’t have to make a choice. It was made for me.”

“You’re right. It was a cop out,” she replied. “I don’t know what hurts worse, the fact that you lost your memory or that you’ve been lying to us
for two weeks.”

“Roy’s not going to forgive me for this. It wasn’t his fault. Thanks to him, I made it. I would’ve hit the peer full on if he hadn’t grabbed me.  I never
thought he’d blame himself. I’m really sorry.”

Joanne got up and sat down beside Johnny.  She reached over and gave him a hug. “I’m so mad at you right now but you know we love you.  I’m thankful that you’re okay. Please, Johnny.  Go and talk to the hospital counselor and then go and see Roy.”

“My car’s still at the station. Will you drive me to Rampart?”

Joanne smiled. “You know I will.”

“Do me a favor. Please don’t tell Roy yet. Let me talk to him first.”

“Okay. I promise. Just don’t take too long.  I don’t know how much more I can take.”

“I promise.”

Johnny wasn’t able to speak to the counselor until later that evening. Early insisted on a series of follow up test but was thrilled that Johnny
seemed to be making a full recovery.

It wasn’t until the next morning that he would get a chance to go and see Roy.


Joanne had managed to get Roy out of bed and into the backyard.  Roy sat in a lawn chair and stared out at the trees that bordered the neighbors yard and his.  Johnny went back and sat in the chair beside him.

“Hi, Roy.”

Roy looked over and stared at his partner.  “What are you doing here?”

“I came to talk to you.”

“Why?”

“Joanne says you’re blaming yourself for what happened to me. You know it’s not your fault.”

Roy stood up and walked a few feet from Johnny.  “How can you say that? I thought you don’t remember anything?”

It was then that Johnny realized his partner knew. “You know I have my memory back?”

“Yeah. You had it back the first day I came to see you at home.”

“Did Joanne tell you?”

“No, I figured it out on my own.”

“If you knew, why didn’t you say anything?” Johnny asked.

“Me? Why didn’t you tell me the truth? I only realized it a few days ago. I’ve been lying in bed and thinking. I couldn’t understand why you’d want to avoid the station. You were afraid. You remembered what happened and you were afraid. You blamed me for it.”

Johnny stood up and confronted his partner. “That’s not true Roy.  Yeah, I was afraid. I was afraid I couldn’t go back and do that again. But…..I never blamed you. Hell, you saved my life. I would have hit the peer if it weren’t for you.  You know that.  I was just scared. I wanted to tell you but I didn't think you’d understand.  Having amnesia made it easier. I didn’t have to confront how I felt. I had an excuse.  Joanne made me go to the counselor last night. He made me see that I was just running away.”

“And now?” Roy wasn’t sure he wanted to hear the answer.

“I called Cap. I’m going back to work tomorrow. There’s no reason not to. Yeah, I might be a little nervous the next time we have a high rescue but it ’ll be okay. I know it will as long as you’re by my side.”

Roy smiled. “You know I’ll be there.”

“Good, I was counting on it.”

Roy held out his hand. “Welcome back, partner. I’ve missed you.”

Johnny took his hand. “So…you’re not mad at me?”

“Not this time. But if you ever do that again I’ll…"

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