My Recollection

By Mychand

I’m not exactly sure how to start this.  My wife, Joanne, suggested that I put into writing the events of the past few weeks.  Well, I thought I had already shared everything that happened to my partner and I two weeks ago, but since then I haven’t been able to sleep without the nightmares.  Joanne thinks it’s a good idea for me to put my feelings down in words to help me work through what’s bugging me.  She’s no shrink but I had to agree with her that it just might be a good idea.  In order for any of it to make sense, I guess I’ll start from the beginning.

My partner and I started out our shift just as we do any other day.  The only difference is that he was being rather quiet that morning.  If you knew my partner, you’d understand why that was so unusual. Johnny Gage is known for rambling on about something all the time.  I tried to find out what was up with him while we were having lunch. 

“Hey Johnny, what’s the matter? Don’t tell me you’re not hungry?”

“Nah, I just don’t feel much like eatin’. Guess I must have had too much for breakfast.”

“What are you talking about? You didn’t even touch your breakfast.  Are you sick?”

Johnny gave a disgusted look. “No, I’m not sick.”

“Then what’s going on with you? I know you’re not on a diet.”

“Look, Roy, I’m just not hungry, that’s all. Now you finish your lunch and leave me alone.”

Johnny stormed off to do chores and I gave up trying to get him to eat anything.  I figured he would come around sooner or later and tell me what was bothering him. He always did.  Still, I couldn’t help but worry about him.

Two hours later we got the call.  A climber was trapped in an area that was unreachable by truck.  We were told that we had to take a helicopter and be lowered down to the victim.  One problem, the winds were picking up and we had to get in and out pretty quickly. Time was definitely not on our side; however, we were able to reach the climber in record time. Johnny was the fist one to make contact with the victim.

“Roy, it doesn’t look good. He’s not breathing,” yelled Johnny.  “Give me a hand.”

We managed to pull the victim to ledge and lay him on his back. Johnny worked feverishly on him but it was too late.  He was gone.

“Damn, Roy, if only we’d gotten here sooner,”

“I’m not sure it would have mattered. Looks like a severe head injury.”

“Yeah, well I don’t get what he was doing climbing up here all alone.  It’s not the safest thing to do.”

Roy grabbed his partner’s hand and helped him to his feet. “Well, let’s get him out of here.”

Johnny and I secured the victim’s rope and watched as he was pulled up to the helicopter.  I was getting a bit nervous because the winds were picking up.  It was a rough ride back up for both of us.  The winds were so strong it nearly impaired my vision as sand and dust swept up from the hillside. When we finally got back in, the pilot was yelling for us to hold on.  Things were about to get worse. It was evident that he was having problems controlling the movement of the helicopter.

Johnny yelled to the pilot, “What’s the matter?”

“I can’t seem to get us back up. Strap yourselves in.  I think we’re going down”

That was the last thing I remember before it happened. As Johnny and I were trying to do as we were instructed, the helicopter went crashing into the hillside.

When I woke up, there was a lot of smoke and debris everywhere.  It took me a few minutes to come to the realization that I was actually okay.  I had a few bruises but everything else seemed in tact.  Of course, then panic set in as my next thought was of my partner.

“Johnny! Johnny, were are you?”

“I’m over here, Roy.  The pilot didn’t make it.” Johnny’s tone was somber.

After what seemed an eternity, I made my way over to my partner, who was staring at the charred front of the helicopter.  Because neither of us had the chance to strap ourselves in, we were thrown from the wreckage.  The pilot wasn't so lucky.

“Are you okay, Johnny?”

]

“Yeah, I’m okay. I’m a little sore.  How about you?”

“Just a few bruises I think.  I seemed to have landed in really soft patch.  How lucky is that?”

Of course, I wasn’t sure how lucky we really were, stranded there, down in this dense valley with the winds picking up.  We both knew a storm was coming and we needed to find some shelter quickly.

Night came to too fast but we managed to secure ourselves from the wind and rain with a section of the wrecked helicopter.  Johnny remained rather quiet, as he had been all day.  The difference was that now I knew for sure something was wrong, whether it was from the results of the accident or from before. But which was affecting him most, I didn’t know.  I decided to probe a little bit more.

“Are you sure you’re feeling okay?”

“Yes, I’m okay, Roy.  My ribs and leg are still a little sore but it doesn’t seem to be anything too major.  I’ll live.”

“Well, that’s good.  Do want to tell me what else is bugging you?”

“Look, Roy, not right now, okay?”

“’Sure, Johnny.  Let’s try and get some sleep.  We’re going to need it.  Hopefully we’ll find a way out of here in the morning.”

He wasn’t ready to share what was on his mind and I had to respect his feelings.   I wasn’t sure how we were going to get out of there but I did know that headquarters knew our approximate location.  As soon as the weather cleared, I knew they would start searching for us.  The only problem is that the winds were picking up and I could tell the temperature was dropping. Fortunately for us, we were able to find a blanket in the wreckage. 

Johnny and I spent the evening huddled together to stay warm.  The storm lasted most of the night but broke just before daylight. I didn’t sleep well. My body ached and I couldn’t help but worry about Johnny.  He seemed to find it hard to get comfortable and I was surprised that he was actually able to sleep. 

“Morning, Junior, how’re you feeling this morning?”

“Oh, I’ve felt better,” replied Johnny. 

“Here, let me check you out.  Can you sit up?”

Johnny was slow to sit up.  The look on his face told me he was in a lot of pain.

“Take it easy, Johnny. Let me give you a hand.”

“It’s okay, Roy.  Just give me a minute, will ya?”

“Sure, no rush.  You know, with these winds still pretty high, it doesn’t look like they’ll be able to get to us for awhile yet.”

“Yeah, I was thinking the same thing.  Hey, what happened to the pilot and the climber?”

“I moved them a few yards down the hill and covered them up.  I’m not sure how long we’ll be here so I figured it would be best.”

Moving the victims was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I’ve seen my share of dead bodies but for some reason this was worse.  Maybe I was just worried what would become of us, or feeling guilty that we actually survived this.  Either way, I knew I had my partner to take care of.  He was still alive and I was responsible to make sure he stayed that way.

While Johnny was trying to pull himself together, I gathered the containers I had set up to catch the rain.  I wasn’t sure what we’d do for food, but I knew we’d have enough water to last us awhile. 

Johnny finally managed to pull himself to a sitting position. 

“Great idea to gather the water that way, Roy. I didn’t know you were such a boy scout.”

“Yeah well, I have been involved with Chris’s scout group ya know.  I never figured I would learn from it. I always thought I’d be the one to teach them a few things.”

Johnny finally let me examine him.  It appeared that his ribs were only bruised but without proper equipment, it was hard to tell. His leg was banged up pretty bad and he had swollen knee.  I found a cut on the back of his head that I hadn’t noticed the night before.  After searching for about an hour, I had found our drug box and I was able to clean and patch up most of his wounds.

“Man, a real bed would sure feel good about now,” said Johnny.  I sure hope these winds die down soon.  Do you think they’ll start looking for us on foot?”

“I don’t know, Johnny. They may have to.  I’m beginning to think we should try to climb out of here ourselves as soon as you’re up to it.”

I wasn’t sure when Johnny would be up to climbing out of there. I knew he would try no matter what. I couldn’t even think about leaving him behind.  We’d figure out something, I just had to believe that. It’s what kept me going.

Johnny and I spent most of that day under our makeshift home.  We were both pretty quiet.  I hadn’t even realized that he had fallen asleep until I heard the sound of a passing plane and started to tell him. The plane was too far up and we were too hidden in the trees for it to spot us.  I knew we had to climb to a more visible spot.  I figured we’d try the next morning.

I got a hunch on where I might find food.  I was surprised that my gut feeling was right on the money.  Our climbing victim had a stash of jerky in his backpack.  I have to admit, I’m not a fan of jerky, but I would have eaten anything at that point.

“Hey, sleepy head.  Wake up. I found us some food.”

“Hmmm…oh, okay,” replied Johnny.  “Where’d you find it?”

“I had a feeling our climber wouldn’t have come out here without some kind of provisions.  I was right.  His backpack was full of jerky.”

“Good thinking.  I’m starved.”

Although it felt awkward to take what belonged to someone who’d recently died, we knew our own survival depended on it. It definitely helped. Johnny and I both seemed to feel better after our meal of jerky.  It gave me a little more energy as I was starting to feel a bit drained and weak. 

“I sure wish these winds would die down some, Roy.  I don’t think they’ll ever be able to send us help in time.”

“Well, let’s get some rest and see if we can try to head out on our own in morning.”

Johnny sighed. “Okay.  I guess it’s better than sitting around here until we die.”

“We’re not going to die, Johnny.”

“I know we’re not. That was a sorry attempt at sarcasm, Roy.” He forced a slight grin. “I’m just tired and achy.  I’m also getting cold again.  Will you pass me the blanket?”

I had noticed the temperature had dropped again too.  I had a feeling this night would be even cooler than the last.  My fear was of hypothermia setting in.  We’d lucked out to have the provisions we had from the helicopter, but the tiny shell we were using for shelter wasn’t much for holding in warmth.   We both found it impossible to sleep that night and Johnny had become more talkative.  We talked for hours.

“Roy, do you think I’m a bad paramedic?”

“What are you talking about? You’re a great paramedic.  I wouldn’t want to work with anyone else.  You know that.”

Johnny was slow to respond. “Well, I always thought I was pretty good. It’s just that well, I over heard something at the hospital the other day.”

I knew it was about to come.  He was finally going to spill what had kept him so quiet the past two days.

“Roy, I was trying to flirt with these two new nurses at the hospital.  They were all smiles when I talked to them but later I heard them talking in the lounge.  They said that they couldn’t believe someone like me could be a paramedic.  They also said I could stand to lose some weight.”

“What? Junior, there is no way they could have been talking about you.  Have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately?  You could actually stand to gain some weight.”

“Well…I mean…I don’t know,” Johnny replied sheepishly. “I did hear them say that John was too fat to be a good paramedic.”

I couldn’t help but laugh.  Johnny had obviously been mistaken and didn’t get all of the conversation.  Still, I was surprised how worried he was about it.

“I think they might have been talking about John Sovann from C-Shift.  I heard the captain was putting him on a diet.  Too many home cooked meals.”

“Really? I hadn’t heard that.  Come to think of it, he does look like he’s gained a little weight,” replied Johnny.

“Yeah, well, he just got married six months ago. I think being a newlywed has done him in.”

Johnny finally laughed. “Yeah, I think maybe it’s best I stay a bachelor.  Did you gain weight after you got married?”

“Yeah, a little.  I can’t help Joanne’s such a good cook.”

Johnny and I had a great talk that night. I couldn’t believe something so silly and ridiculous had been bugging him, but I knew my partner and he did occasionally take things to heart.  We talked until we both drifted off to sleep.  Morning came before I knew it.

“Morning, Roy.”

“Morning.  How are feeling?”

“Well, I’m not so sure about my leg.  Think we can pull together a make-shift crutch?”

I knew it was going to be tough for Johnny to move to higher ground with his injured knee.  I scoured the area and managed to pull together a crutch using a small tree limb and parts of the helicopter.  It wasn’t perfect but it would have to do.  I put what little provisions we had in the back pack and strapped it on.  Then, I helped my partner to his feet and we slowly made our way up the hillside.  I’d say we went about thirty minutes before Johnny needed a break.

“Are you okay Johnny? How’s your leg?” 

“I’m okay. Just give me a minute and we can start moving again.”

I could see the pain on Johnny’s face. I wanted so badly to help him but there wasn’t much I could do.  We had to continue the climb if we were going to make it out of there alive and we both knew it. Johnny did better after the break and we managed to reach higher ground within four hours.  We were out of the dense brush and I’d hoped we would be easier to spot for a search crew.

“Man, Roy, I have to admit I didn’t think I’d make it this far.”

Roy smiled. “I always knew you had it in ya.”

“Yeah, my leg is a bit numb though. I have a feeling it’s gonna hurt like hell in the morning.”

“You’re probably right.  Let me take a look.”

Johnny winced as I examined his knee. It was even more swollen than before and it concerned me.  I felt helpless.

“Damn, I wish we could get that swelling down.”

“It’s okay.  Don’t worry.  I’ll be fine.”

Fine? I remember him saying that but somehow in my exhausted mind I couldn’t see past that moment.  It felt that we’d been out there for an eternity.  I missed my family. I was cold, hungry and just plain tired.  To top it off, my partner was injured and here I was, a paramedic, yet helpless to do enough for him.

“Yeah, well, let’s find a place to rest for the night.  The winds seem to be dying down.  Hopefully we’ll see the search crew tomorrow morning.”

“I hope you’re right, Roy.  I’m not sure I can take too many more nights out here.  Not that you aren’t great company but I really want my own bed.”

I wanted my own bed too and I wanted to be there with my wife, safe and warm.  I took some comfort in the fact that the sky had cleared and the winds had diminished. I kept telling myself that it was only a matter of time now and they would get to us. I had hoped we wouldn’t have to spend another night out there but I was determined to make the best of it.

“It’s a beautiful night,” said Johnny.  “It’s peaceful.”

“Yeah, I’m glad the storms have passed.  It’s nice out here.  Too bad we aren’t here under better circumstances.”

Johnny was the first one up the next morning.  He couldn’t contain his excitement about the clear skies above.  We were both pretty optimistic that this would be the day we’d go home.

“How’s the leg?”

Johnny squirmed a bit as he attempted to stand.  “It’s a bit sore but better than yesterday.  I think I can make it.”

“Alright.  We have one more section to climb.  It looks to be about sixty feet.  If we can get up there, I think they’ll be able to reach us pretty easily.”

“Well, what are we waiting for then? Let’s get going, partner,” replied Johnny.

Even though I knew his knee was bothering him, I could tell Johnny was feeling much better than before.  He was back to his usual constant chatter.  I didn’t mind. It sure helped pass the time and ease the stress of the climb.

“You know, Roy, I bet I lost a few pounds since we’ve been out here.”

“JOHNNY!”

Johnny laughed. “Okay, okay.  Hey, maybe John Sovann needs to come out here and get some exercise.”

“Nah, I don’t think so.  I wouldn’t wish these few days on anyone.”

“I wouldn’t either but it’s definitely one way to lose weight.”

Johnny and I talked about everything from Chris’ Boy Scout troop to Chet’s new girlfriend who we all thought was a bit of a flake.  The climb was rough but we were almost there and then it happened.  It’s the moment that I keep reliving in my nightmares.  It’s the moment that I wake up in a cold sweat night after night.

We were almost to our destination when the ledge that Johnny was standing on gave way.  I had been supporting him from behind and he was slightly above me. Suddenly, the rocks came crashing down and the last thing I saw was Johnny sliding down the hillside. I screamed out his name. Then everything went black.

When I woke, all I heard was the beeping sound of monitors in my hospital room.  I was safe and warm yet my head hurt like hell.  It took me awhile to focus on my surroundings but I quickly spotted Joanne asleep in a corner chair.

“Joanne?”

Joanne jumped up from her chair and moved to sit beside her husband. “Shhh..it’s okay Roy.  You’re safe and you’re going to be okay.  Just get some rest.”

“Johnny?  What happened to Johnny?”

Joanne’s hesitation to answer scared the hell out of me.  I wasn’t sure I was prepared to hear what she had to say.  I could feel my breathing pick up and in a panic I started to hyperventilate.

“Take it easy," Joanne said calmly.  “It’s okay.  Johnny’s here in the hospital.”

“Where….where is he?” Roy gasped.

Joanne stood up and moved to the other side of my bed.  She quietly drew the curtain aside to reveal the patient in the next bed.

“He’s been unconscious since right after they brought you two in.  They are keeping an eye on him. He suffered a head injury in the fall but they said he was awake for most of the rescue.  They want to do surgery on his knee but they are waiting to make sure there are no complications.” Joanne replied.

“Is he going to be okay?” Roy asked.

Joanne picked up her husband’s hand and squeezed it.  “He’s going to be fine.  The doctors expect him to wake up soon.  You just relax and get some sleep. You’ve both been through a lot.  It’s a miracle they found you in time.”

Joanne’s words helped to put me at ease but I knew that I wouldn’t feel any better until I could talk to Johnny and see for myself that he was going to be okay. 

“Joanne, do you know how they found us?” Roy asked.  “I don’t remember a thing.”

“Well, I’ll have to let Chet fill you in on the details,” she replied. “I got the call early in the evening that they had found you, but it took them awhile to get you out.  They were afraid of further rock slides.”

“Man, I wonder how long it took.  Okay, I’m sure Chet will gladly fill me in.”

I convinced Joanne to go home that evening. I knew I’d be okay and she didn’t need to stay. I wanted her to be with the kids.  I tried to keep my eyes open but they grew heavy. I wanted to keep an eye on Johnny.  I wanted to make sure he woke up and knew I was there.  I didn’t succeed in keeping awake.

“Roy? Hey, Roy, are you okay?”

Roy opened his eyes and peered over at his partner.  “Yeah, I’m okay, how about you?”

“Well, I’ve been better but it sure is good to be sleeping in a bed instead of the ground….even if it IS a hospital bed.”

“I agree with ya there, partner,” replied Roy.  “Hey, do you remember anything that happened after the rockslide?”

“Uh, a little,” replied Johnny.  “I was a bit groggy. I hit my head pretty hard on the way down.”

“Joanne said you were conscious during the rescue.”

“I guess I was, but things weren’t all that clear.  I remember Chet and Marco being there and I saw them put you on a stretcher.  I don’t recall too much after that.”

Johnny attempted to fill me in on what he did remember.  He said his concern was with making sure I was okay and once he knew that I was, he just kind of let go and relaxed.  I found it funny that he was concerned about me yet he was the one that had been injured and tumbled down the hillside. I did, however, manage to crack a few ribs.  I’m actually thankful I didn’t recall that part.

We were both released from the hospital a few days later.  We didn’t return to work until a week afterwards.  Johnny’s knee wasn’t as bad as previously thought and he didn’t need surgery.  He still has some physical therapy to complete but he’s walking with less of a limp now. 

For me, the nightmare keeps coming back.  I don’t understand why.  I know the outcome.  We both made it out fine. I just can’t understand why it still invades my dreams.

Johnny interrupted Roy’s writing. “Hey, what’s that?  When did you start keeping a journal?”

Roy wasn’t sure how to reply.  “Uh, well, promise you won’t laugh?”

Gage looked offended.  “Who me? I wouldn’t laugh at you, Roy.  What kind of friend do you think I am?”

“Hmmm…okay.  Well, I’ve been having these nightmares about our accident. Joanne thought it would help if I wrote out what happened.”

“Oh yeah? I want to read it,” 

“No, Johnny. It’s private.  I told you what it’s about but I don’t really want to share it.”

Johnny looked perplexed.  “You sure have a double standard, ya know?”

“What do you mean by that?”

“Well,” said Johnny.  “You made me tell you why I wasn’t eating, didn’t you?”

“Johnny, I didn’t make you tell me that.  You blabbed it when you were ready to.”

“I did what?  I didn’t blab it. You asked and I told you.”

Two days later……

Johnny and I ended up in a heated discussion over my journal the other day.  I knew he was a little hurt that I wouldn’t show it to him. Somehow, arguing with him made me feel better.  We had both slipped right back in to our normal groove.  And, ya know, I haven’t had that nightmare in two days. 

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