Never Again

By Nancy M.

Emily Stanley wasn't feeling too well. Hank had just come home from his shift. He got the paper from the front steps, came in and saw that Emily wasn't waiting for him with his usual big breakfast. He looked through the first floor of the house, calling her name. She didn't answer. He went upstairs into the bedroom, and found her buried under the covers.

"Emily, are you all right?" He whispered as he approached the bed.

Emily turned over and gave him a wan smile.

"I'm just a little crampy today. I was supposed to go to the store later, but I feel better lying like this.” She smiled as Hank bent over to give her a kiss. "I guess my period is lasting a day or two longer than it's supposed to,” she supplied.

"Do you want me to go to the store for you? I'll stop and get something to eat, and then I can do the shopping for you,” he volunteered. "Just let me grab a quick shower and I'll be on my way".

"No. That's OK. I'm sure I'll feel a little more human later on and I can go then. I'm sorry about your breakfast though,” she apologized.

"Don't be silly,” Hank argued. “I'm not that tired. We had a quiet shift last night, so I wouldn't be able to sleep anyway.”

"Well...if you're sure. There's a few things on the list that you might have trouble finding," Emily stated.

"Don't worry, it's only a grocery store. Nothing can be that hard to find. And if I can't, I'll ask,” Hank grinned.

Emily just smiled. He had no idea what he was letting himself in for.

Hank quickly took a shower, got dressed, and gave Emily a kiss before going downstairs.

"I'll be back as soon as I finish the shopping,” he said as he headed out the door.

"Ummmm hummmm,” Emily yawned as she once again buried herself into the covers. I wish I was going with him. I'd love to see his face when he reads that list.

After eating, Hank felt refreshed as he headed for the grocery store. It was crowded, but not to the point that he couldn't get everything done and be home in an hour. He grabbed a cart and started getting the items on Emily's list. He figured he better just start from the top and work his way down, so he didn't miss anything. Twenty minutes later he was down to just three items. He scanned the three items to see what was left, and froze. There staring at him in black and white, were the words "douche". He quickly looked up to make sure no one was looking over his shoulder. He took another look.

Damn, it's still there.

Hank swallowed, his mouth suddenly going dry.

He looked up at the aisle signs to see where the douches would be. There, aisle 4, feminine products. Hank stared at the sign, his feet refusing to move from the spot. Geez, what if someone sees me going in that direction? I hope there isn't anyone in here that I know. He began sweating as he headed towards aisle 4.

Hank approached the aisle, looking down it to make sure it was empty and to see how far down he would have to go to get the product. Maybe I could just grab it and run, he mused. He slowly started down the aisle. He was only going to go down it once, grab the item, and come out the other end of the aisle and head for the checkout.

Unfortunately, once the captain hit that section, there was a variety to choose from. Floral Bouquet, Vinegar and Water, Spring Mist, Mountain Dew.

Geez, why do these things have to have so many choices? She didn't say which one! Emily, why didn't you warn me.

Hank sighed as he picked up one box after another trying to figure out which one to get. Unbeknownst to him, someone happened to see him heading down that particular aisle. Approaching Hank, Chet tapped Stanley on the shoulder.

"Hi, Cap", he greeted. “Whatcha got there?"

Hank was so shocked when he heard that voice, that he startled and the boxes flew out of his hands.

"Chet!! What the hell did you do that for? Why are you here? Are you trying to give me heart attack or something?" Cap fumed as he waited for his heart to get
back where it belonged and to make sure that Chet was the only one there.

"Sorry, Cap,” Chet grinned as he stared down at the floor to see what had Hank in such a state. He started laughing uncontrollably.

"What's so funny you Twit?" Hank clenched out between his teeth as he bent over to pick up the boxes he dropped. Why me? He sighed. Why me?.

"Nothing, Cap, nothing,” Chet giggled.

"What are you doing in here and why did you come down this aisle? There's obviously nothing down here for you!" Me either, Hank sighed in resignation.

"Just happened to need a few things and I saw your car outside. Thought I'd come in and say hello,” Chet was still trying to stifle his giggling.

"Well, hello, and goodbye. We just left the station not more than two hours ago. You didn't have to come search me out just to say hello. And while I'm at it, if you breathe one word of this to anyone, and I mean ANYONE, Chester B., you will be on latrine duty for your entire career. Do I make myself clear?" Hank was bent so he was nose to nose with Kelly to make sure he understood his threat.

"Perfectly,” Chet tilted back slightly as he tried to stifle a chuckle while Hank leaned in his face to make sure he got his point across.

"Good. As long as we understand each other.” Hank grabbed a box. He didn't care which fragrance it was at this point. He just wanted to get it, get out of that aisle, pay for his groceries and get the hell out of there as fast as the cart would go.

Once out of the store, Stanley quickly put the bags in his car, returned his cart and headed home.

Never again, Hank vowed. Never again.