The Nightmare

By Terribv

“Please no,” Joanne cried as she struggled with her attacker.

She was fully aware of what his intentions were but her plea went unanswered as he tore at her clothing. He was big and strong and easily held her down. Her two small wrists were held securely in his one large hand and he covered her lower body with his own bulky frame. Joanne kicked, screamed and bit at her attacker to no avail. She tried pleading with him, begging him to stop but he just laughed at her. He was enjoying himself and seemed to thrive on her vulnerability. When at last there was no clothing to impede his progress, he raised his eyes to look at her and she turned her head and squeezed her eyes shut.

Everything she held sacred was about to be taken from her, including her husband. How would Roy ever be able to look at her again much less hold her or make love to her? She would be tainted. When at last she felt him plunge into her, she let out a blood-curdling scream.

Roy heard the scream and bolted upright in bed. Joanne was lying beside him soaked in sweat and although asleep, she was screaming at the top of her lungs.

“Jo,” he called out softly at first but then much louder when he received no response from her. He grabbed her in his arms only to have her struggle against him.

“No, no, please, no,” she called out over and over again. Roy tried to hold her still not aware of the fact that his hold on her only intensified her terror.

Finally he released her and called out to her again. “Joanne, it’s me, Roy. You’re safe, you’re right here with me. I won’t hurt you, Jo, ever and I won’t let anyone else hurt you either.” His voice was pleading with her to emerge from her terror filled slumber and after what seemed an eternity but in reality were only minutes, his voice reached her and she calmed.

Her eyes came slowly open as if she was afraid of what she might see. What they did see was the compassionate and concerned face of her husband, her beloved Roy, her childhood sweetheart. The only man she had ever loved or would ever love.

“Oh Roy,” she sobbed as he gathered her in his arms and gently rocked her.

“Ssh, it’s okay, sweetheart. It’s okay,” he reassured her but Joanne Desoto knew that it never would be okay. Never. Despite Roy’s assurances, Joanne knew she would never feel safe again.

“The same dream?” Roy asked softly as he smoothed Joanne’s sweat soaked hair from her face.

“Yes,” came the barely audible response. Roy closed his eyes and silently cursed the animal that continued to torture his wife. He was still out there, somewhere, and Roy wondered how many other women would have to suffer because of him. He thanked the heavens for the neighbor who had heard Joanne’s screams and called the police. He knew that this animal had killed before and although he couldn’t stand the thought of what Joanne had gone through, he was extremely grateful that she was still alive.

“It’s okay, Jo, you’re safe now. It’s over,” he whispered knowing full well that it was not over. She continued to relive the nightmare even now, more than a month after the ordeal. The nightmares didn’t come every night anymore but often enough. It had been almost a week since the last one and Roy had begun to hope that they were over.

When Joanne’s breathing had finally returned to normal and she’d been able to get her emotions under control, Roy had let her go only long enough to run to the bathroom and grab a washcloth and run it under cool water. He tenderly wiped her face and neck to cool her down and remove the sheen of sweat that covered it.

Roy continued his ministrations until Joanne reached out to him and placed her hand on his arm. He slowly lowered the rag and Joanne turned her brown eyes up to look into his blue ones. The love and tenderness that she had always seen in them was still there but there was something else there now. Guilt. Now, when her husband looked at her, she saw guilt and although they both knew that what had happened to her was neither her fault nor his, he would always feel that he had let her down. She knew Roy would always feel that it was his fault because he hadn’t been home and therefore was unable to protect her. And truth be told, there was a part of her that felt the same way. She knew it was irrational but in the back recesses of her mind, she blamed him for being away that night. Her rational mind screamed at her that he had been working and although she knew that his job as a paramedic deemed that he pull straight 24-hour shifts every third day it did nothing to alleviate her thoughts to the contrary. She pushed those thoughts to back of her mind as she had tried to do since it happened.

“I love you, Roy,” she said to him softly and saw the tear slide slowly down his cheek. She reached up and brushed it away with her thumb. She felt that he needed to hear that just as much as she needed to say it. To help ease both their minds, she thought.

“I love you too, Jo. I’m just so sorry…” he began but she placed her finger on his lips.

“No, Roy, don’t say it,” she pleaded. “It’s not your fault,” she said out loud blocking off that irrational voice that popped up in her head, “and I don’t want your pity. I just want you to love me again.” She so wanted him to make love to her and wash away these memories with tender, sweet ones but she was terrified of it at the same time. And Roy had not pursued anything in that department. She was terrified that he would never want to be with her again in that way.

“I do love you, Joanne. Nothing could ever change that,” he assured her. He really did love her. From the moment he had seen her in junior high school, he had loved her. He still loved her but he was afraid as well. He was afraid for her because her attacker had never been caught and he was afraid of saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing. They hadn’t made love since the morning of the attack. They had both awoken early that morning yet Roy was almost late for work as a result of their passion. In the days after the attack, Joanne had shrunk away from his touch and he hadn’t pushed her. He wanted to give her the space she needed. It had only been recently that she had allowed him to comfort her after these nightmares and he hadn’t pushed for anything more. She had been hurt terribly and he didn’t want to do anything to add to her pain.

Joanne lay awake well after the nightmare. Roy’s arms still held her tight, protecting her while he slept. But would they always want to, she wasn’t so sure. She thought back to her doctor’s appointment from the day before. It was a routine check to be sure that she was healing properly from the vicious attack and nothing could have prepared her for the news that she had received. She was pregnant.

********

“Da – dee,” Jenny’s voice called through the bathroom door.

“Just a minute, Jennifer,” Roy told his daughter. “I’m almost done.”

“But Daddy, Mommy’s crying again and she didn’t finish my pancakes,” Jennifer whined

Roy quickly finished his shave and wiped his face with a towel. When he opened the door, his six-year-old daughter was waiting for him with a pout on her face.

“Daddy, why does my Mommy cry all the time?”

Roy picked her up and blew raspberries on her belly, which elicited giggles from the little girl.

“Give me a minute, Jenny and I’ll finish your pancakes. Why don’t you go make your bed and pick up your room and by the time you’re finished, your pancakes will be finished too.”

“Okay, Daddy,” she called out as she ran to her room. When she reached the doorway, she turned back to him and asked “Did I make Mommy sad?”

Roy’s heart melted for her. She had no way of understanding what was going on. “No, sweetie-pie, you didn’t make Mommy sad. Don’t ever think that okay?”

She nodded her head and then asked, “Will she always be sad?”

“No, honey, she won’t,” he answered praying that it was true. Jenny smiled and went into her room completely satisfied that if her father said it was true, then it was.

Roy turned and went in search of his wife. He found her in the kitchen and although she tried to hide it, Roy caught her wiping her eyes as he came in.

“Good morning,” she said with forced joviality. She smiled but it wasn’t quite a smile and it never reached her eyes. “I’ll have breakfast done in a jiffy. I’m running a little behind today.”

“That’s okay, Jo,” he assured her. “Why don’t you let me help?”

“It’s fine, Roy. I’ve got it,” she answered shortly as she brushed past him.

“I know you do. I just thought you might like some help. That’s all.” He spoke calmly with no trace of harshness despite his wife’s tone.

“I’m not a invalid, Roy,” she said spinning on him and shaking the spatula in his face. “I am perfectly capable of making breakfast for my family.”

Roy threw his hands up defensively and remained silent until Joanne turned back to the stove.

“I’ll just get the plates out and set the table then, okay?”

“Fine,” was the only reply that he received. He wasn’t sure which he hated more; to see his wife so uncontrollably upset that she couldn’t stop crying or to see her so angry at everyone.

Much to his surprise, Joanne’s mood had improved greatly by the time the pancakes were put on the table and when Roy offered to clean up afterwards, he got no arguments.

Joanne sat in the living room listening to the sounds her husband made as he went about cleaning the kitchen. She knew she had been harsh with him and she didn’t know why. She knew that he was only trying to help. Trouble was, he couldn’t. That’s why she got so angry with him. He wants to try to make things better and he can’t. I want him to make things better, Joanne thought to herself and he can’t. Roy has always been able to fix things but not this time.

The therapist had told her that she would have moments like these. In fact, she’d been told that she might always have moments like these but that with time they would get fewer and farther between.

She needed to tell Roy about her pregnancy. She didn’t want to think of it as a baby but rather as a condition. One that would go away. She stifled a sob as she thought about unfair life was. She and Roy had been wanting to have another child and so far their attempts have been unsuccessful. It wasn’t fair that she should now be pregnant by this monster. Roy and Joanne had two beautiful children; six-year-old Jenny and eight year old, Christopher. Joanne had always wanted to have three children and it took a lot of persuasion on her part to get Roy to agree but it had never happened. Now, here she was pregnant and this time when the tears came again, she couldn’t stop them. She didn’t want to stop them.

Roy came running as soon as he heard her and one look told him that this was not one of the easier moments. The room as was the norm now was almost completely dark despite the morning hour. The shades had all been drawn covering the windows and only a table lamp illuminated the room.

Roy didn’t even try to find out what was wrong, he merely gathered Joanne in his arms and held her while she sobbed. He wished he could somehow, make her feel better. It broke his heart to hear her anguished cries and he didn’t know how long he could take it. It was driving him crazy and the guilt he felt each time he found her this way nearly tore him apart. He wanted to find this guy and rip his heart out for what he’d done to Joanne.

********

“Roy, didn’t you hear me? You were supposed to make a right back there.”

“Huh? Where?”

John Gage threw an exasperated look at his partner but refrained from comment. He knew Roy’s mind was not on the task at hand. He had been going to insist that Roy let him drive when they left the station to do their inspections but he had thought that it would give Roy something to do and keep his mind occupied. Obviously, it hadn’t worked.

“Don’t worry about it, Roy. Just hang a right up here and we can double back,” Johnny instructed as he pointed to the upcoming street.

“Oh, okay,” Roy replied evenly.

“You all right, Roy?” Johnny asked with concern evident in his voice.

Roy shot him a brief dirty look. No, he wasn’t all right he wanted to scream. His life was in shambles and it showed no signs of getting better. But he didn’t say this to his partner because he knew Johnny meant well. He knew that Johnny was concerned about both of them. Roy had taken two weeks off after the incident to be with Joanne and when he had used up the last of his vacation, Johnny had taken his so that Joanne wouldn’t be home alone.

And even though the attack had happened outdoors, he had even come to the house and helped Roy install new deadbolts on all of the doors in order to help make Joanne feel more secure. This was the first shift that he would be working and Joanne would be home alone. He wasn’t crazy about the idea but life had to get back to normal sometime. Vince assured him that extra patrols would be in his neighborhood and though it helped him to know that, he would never feel that his wife was safe until this maniac was caught.

Following Johnny’s directions, Roy guided the squad to a stop in front of a neighborhood restaurant. Johnny retrieved all of the necessary paperwork that they would need to complete the inspection and they went inside.

The two paramedics entered the building and took a look around to ensure that everything met code. Johnny went down his checklist as they moved about the restaurant. When they got to the kitchen, both firemen noticed that there were a lot of boxes that would impede an exit by the back door if needed.

Johnny turned to the owner, “Mr. Sing, we told you the last time that we were here that you cannot block this passage way with boxes like this. Not to mention the fact that they are too close to the stove. I am going to have to write you a violation on this and I want this stuff moved now.”

Johnny’s tone was stern and Mr. Sing knew that he meant business so he quickly ordered his employees to comply. He turned back to the two firemen and offered his apologies.

“Many apologies. Delivery just come today and nowhere to put them. We get them moved now, okay?”

Roy had been silent up to this point as it was Johnny who had been doing most of the inspection and the one conversing with Mr. Sing but he spoke up now and loudly.

“No, it’s not okay. It is a fire hazard not to mention the fact that it could endanger the lives of your customers and employees,” Roy spat at the little man. “We told you this the last time we were here and you continue to put boxes here. If these were to catch fire, this whole place would go up in smoke. You,”

Roy’s voice turned the heads of a few customers seated near the kitchen and Johnny put his hand on Roy’s chest to calm him down. It wasn’t like Roy to get in someone’s face like this and Johnny didn’t like this side of his friend.

“Roy, I’ll finish up in here and make sure that the boxes are gone before I leave. Why don’t you go wait outside in the squad.” It wasn’t a request. Roy nodded in response and turned and made his way outside. Johnny finished his inspection and made sure that the only violation had been cleared away before he too left the building. He had given Mr. Sing a citation for the violation.

Johnny found Roy sitting in the passenger side of the car so he made his way around to the other side. He slid into the seat but made no move to start the engine instead he turned to Roy and repeated his earlier question of whether or not Roy was okay.

Roy scrubbed his hands over his face and turned sorrowful eyes to Johnny. “I don’t know. I really don’t. I thought things were getting better but lately,” he let his voice trail off.

Johnny waited patiently for him to continue even though we wanted to prod him along.

“I don’t know. Joanne’s been having nightmares, well I told you that but they started to ease up and they were different. Now, she’s reliving the attack again like the days afterwards.”

“Well, it really hasn’t been that long, Roy. What six, seven weeks? Has anything happened to shake her up?”

“Six and a half. And everything shakes her up, Johnny. Making pancakes yesterday shook her up. Not to mention the dream two nights in a row now. That hasn’t happened in a while. I mean two nights in a row.” Roy ran his hand threw his sandy blonde hair and looked out the window. “When are they gonna catch this sonuvabitch, Johnny? When?”

“I don’t know, Pally but you know that Vince has every available unit on the look out. In the meantime, well, just try to be patient. Isn’t that what that shr, uh, therapist said?”

“I am patient but I can’t stand to see her like this. You know, in so much pain. I feel like I need to do something. If I ever see,” his voice trailed off again.

Johnny reached across the squad and gave Roy’s shoulder a squeeze. “I know. I’d like to do the same thing, Roy, believe me. How about we grab some burgers before the next stop and you can call Joanne to check in?”

“Yeah, okay, I think I will,” he answered. Roy looked back at his partner and friend. “Uh, thanks Johnny. Thanks for listening.”

Johnny smiled. “Anytime, Pally, anytime. You know that.” And Roy did know that.

********

Joanne heard Roy’s car pull up in front of the house and since Christopher was home sick today and had gone back to sleep, Joanne met him at the front door.

Roy was fumbling with his keys trying to find the one for the new deadbolt when Joanne opened the door. There was an awkward moment of silence before she spoke, “Chris is home sick, and he’s sleeping so be quiet, okay?”

Roy nodded and followed his wife into the house. He dropped his overnight bag in the laundry room and went into the kitchen for a cup of coffee. Joanne was just setting the steaming cup on the table when he entered.

He started towards his wife to say good morning, as he normally did when he came in from work, with a kiss but she turned away and he stopped in his tracks. He picked up the mug and took a sip as he slid into a chair at the kitchen table.

“So, Chris is sick, huh?”

“Yeah, he’s running a fever. Not real high but it’s over 100,” she answered. She was mentally berating herself for slighting Roy the way she just did. She didn’t know why she turned away from him. He’s only trying to get things back to normal, she thought.

“You want me to look in on him?”

“Why? Don’t you think I’m capable of taking care of my son when he’s sick?” Joanne said the words before she could stop herself. She knew Roy didn’t think that. He was a father and a paramedic so of course he would want to look in on his son. Joanne had always deferred to him when the kids where sick not because she wasn’t capable but because he was trained in the medical field.

“I’m sorry, Roy, I didn’t mean that,” she quickly said noting the hurt look in his eyes.

“Honey, what’s wrong? I know something’s wrong. Please tell me what it is,” he pleaded.

Joanne panicked. She wasn’t ready to tell him. Not here, not like this. “I have to get going if I’m going to make it to Dr. Anders office in time for my appointment,” she said.

“But I’m supposed to go with you, Jo. Let me call Johnny to come over and stay with Chris and we’ll go together,” he offered. If you would have called me at the station, I would have just brought Johnny home with me, he thought to himself.

“No, Roy, it’s okay. You stay with Chris. Next week, you can go next week,” her voice quivered as she spoke. She quickly brushed her lips across his barely making contact before grabbing her purse and fleeing the house.

She sat in the car staring at the house oblivious to the fact that Roy was watching her through the window. Why was she behaving this way? Why couldn’t she bring herself to tell Roy about the baby, er, pregnancy, she wondered. She knew why, Roy was going to be furious. Why shouldn’t he be? Why would he want to be saddled with this child? He hadn’t even really wanted more children. I’m just going to have to get an abortion, she thought as she started the car. She actually felt better as she pulled out of the driveway. A little ray of hope brightening he colorless world and Roy would never even have to know.

Joanne arrived at the office of her therapist in better spirits than she had been in quite awhile. Having made up her mind to have an abortion, had released her from the torment of carrying the child of her rapist.

She only had to wait a short time before she was called into his office.

“Good morning, Mrs. Desoto,” Dr. Anders greeted her. He looked past her into the reception area. “I thought your husband was coming today.”

“He was. Going to come, I mean but our son woke up sick this morning and we couldn’t find a sitter so I told Roy to stay home with him,” she rambled without pause.

“Oh, I see. Very well then. Shall we get started?” He indicated for her to take a seat. Dr. Anders had a chair as well as a lounge but she had never felt comfortable laying on the lounge.

“How have you been doing?”

“About the same, I guess. A bit worse perhaps,” she answered hesitantly.

“Why do you think that is?”

“I, um, I went to the doctors a couple of days ago. It was my follow up visit,” she said before pausing. She wasn’t sure how she should say it or even if she should.

“Yes.”

“My doctor said… well, I’m pregnant.” There she said it. Finally. She finally told someone.

“How do you feel about this news?”

“How do you think I feel?” she asked angrily. “How would you feel?”

“Tell me, Joanne. Tell me how you feel.”

“I’m angry. I hate him. I’d like to kill him.”

“Is that all?”

“I can’t believe this is happening. It’s bad enough that I had to endure that, that, animal but to have to bear his child.” She was crying openly now. “It’s not fair,” she sobbed, “Roy and I had been trying to conceive another child since Jenny was three. Why now? Why him?”

The doctor remained silent while Joanne tried to compose herself. He didn’t want to rush her through this startling revelation. She needed time to come to terms with this. When it appeared as though she was ready to continue, the doctor asked, “What does your husband think about this?”

“I haven’t told him,” she confessed.

“Why not?”

“I’m afraid.”

“Afraid of what, Joanne?”

“Afraid that he won’t want to be with me anymore. Afraid of what this child will be like. I’m afraid of everything,” she answered honestly. “I’m afraid that he won’t love me anymore. I can’t lose him. Roy and the kids are my whole world.” She was crying again.

“Has Roy ever given you the idea that he doesn’t love you?”

“No, but I’m pregnant with another man’s child. How could he love me when he finds out?”

“You didn’t willingly consent to be with this man, Joanne. This is not your fault.”

“I know that in my here,” she said pointing to her head, “but in here,” she placed a hand on her chest, “it’s a different story.”

“Are you truly afraid of what your husband will think or are you afraid of what you think?”

“How could I love a child that was conceived in this manner?” she cried. “I’ve decided to have an abortion.”

“Joanne, are you absolutely certain that this child could not be your husband’s?”

Joanne’s head shot up. “What?”

“Could your husband be the father of this baby?”

“I, I don’t know,” she stammered trying to think. It hadn’t even occurred to her. She had tried to block out so much of that day.

“Had you and your husband been intimate around the time of the rape?”

Joanne sat there trying to conjure up the moments that she and Roy had shared around that time. She raised pain filled eyes to the doctor. “Yes, we were together the morning of the attack. Oh my God, what do I do now?”

“Do you still want to have an abortion?”

“Not if it’s Roy’s child but we tried for so long and nothing happened.”

“There are tests that can be done to verify paternity, Joanne.”

Her eyes brightened. Could this baby possibly be Roy’s? It was almost too much to hope for. She would tell him as soon as she got home and she prayed that he would understand. She couldn’t have an abortion if there was a possibility that this child was created from the love that she and Roy had shared on that fateful morning.

********

Joanne rushed home from Dr. Anders’ office with a renewed hope. Why hadn’t she considered the possibility that she was pregnant with Roy’s child. She had been so wrapped up in her torment, guilt and pain that she had failed to consider that Roy might be the father. Memories of that morning had been pushed to the back recesses of her mind where she was trying to keep that entire day and those following. Her heart soared with the thought that she and Roy may have another child and she now refused to consider any other possibility. There was no way that this baby belonged to that monster.

Her plans to tell Roy went quickly by the wayside as she arrived home to find Christopher running a very high fever and vomiting. Joanne took over his care realizing that Roy had not gotten any sleep since he’d arrived home that morning.

“Go,” she told him sternly pointing to their bedroom door.

“But,”

“No buts, Roy. You’re as bad as the kids. If Chris keeps this up then I’m going to need your help later so it would benefit me then if you go to sleep now.” She smiled at him teasingly.

Oh my God, he thought, Joanne smiled. A real smile. Her visit with Dr. Anders must have helped today. He counted his blessings for that. “Okay,” he said giving in, “but wake me up in time to get Jenny from school.”

“That I will do,” she replied, “now go. Please.”

Without ever giving her a chance to think about it, Roy crossed the room and gently grabbed her about the waist and kissed her. Softly at first and then deepening the kiss when he received no hesitation. It was the first time since the rape that she had not pulled away from him or trembled when he touched her. For a brief time, he had his wife back but when he tightened his hold, she pulled away telling him that he needed to get some sleep.

When Roy had gone to bed, Joanne checked on Christopher again and finding him awake watching television, she lay down with him in bed and rubbed his back as they watched the program together. It wasn’t long before Chris and Joanne, too, were asleep.

And that was how Roy found them when he got up two hours later. He’d been surprised and concerned when he looked at the bedside clock and realized that Joanne had not woken him as promised. A quick search of the upstairs room showed him why. She looked so peaceful sleeping. There were no lines of worry creasing her face as they normally did and he hated to wake her but he needed to let he know that he was leaving to pick Jenny up from school.

He gently touched her shoulder so as not to frighten her in her sleep and softly called her name. She did not awaken easily as Roy called to her again and again but unlike the other times she was not in the throws of a nightmare for which Roy was grateful.

“Jo, honey, I’ve got to go get Jenny,” he said as he saw her eyes opening.

“Roy? What time is it?” she asked as she sat up.

“It’s almost three but I didn’t want to leave without telling you. I’m sorry I had to wake you. You were sleeping well.” He stood to go.

“I can’t believe that I slept so long,” she whispered since Chris was still asleep. “I’ll get dinner going,” she said climbing carefully around Chris to get off the bed.

She followed Roy from the room and down the stairs. She watched him gather his wallet and keys and head out the door. She hesitated only a few brief seconds before calling out to him, “I love you,” but he had already closed the door. She heard the deadbolt turn in the lock and wondered if he had heard her.

Outside Roy pondered the significance of her comment. He knew that Joanne loved him. He didn’t doubt that. He just didn’t know if she’d ever be able to stand any man touching her ever again. The doctor had told him to be patient in that area and that in time she would come around. He had been patient, very patient and he would continue to do so but he missed his wife. He missed being able to touch her without causing her fear, he missed being able to kiss her without feeling her repulsion and he missed being able to love her.

Ever since the attack, the only times that he had heard her say that she loved him was when she was afraid like after one of her nightmares. He wondered what she was afraid of now at this particular moment. He wanted to go back in to her but he checked his watch and realized that he had to get moving in order to make in to Jenny’s school on time.

It wasn’t until both the kids were in bed for the night and Roy and Joanne were also settling down that she had the chance to talk to him. She was very afraid of what his reaction would be but she knew that she had to tell him. Her mind was so preoccupied trying to come up with the right words that she dressed on automatic pilot and climbed into bed. She watched Roy’s face light up as he looked at her and she glanced down. She was shocked to realize that she had put on one of her negligees. She hadn’t worn one since that morning and it was the same one, Roy’s favorite.

Panic was beginning to set in and Roy read it in her face. He quickly tried to take her mind off of it. “How was Chris feeling when you looked in on him?”

“Uh, better, I think. At least his stomach has settled down. I just hope that Jenny doesn’t catch whatever he that he’s got.” Joanne felt the surge of panic begin to recede. This was her husband after all. What was she so afraid of? Roy had never done anything to hurt her and she knew that he never would. It was illogical to think that his touch would make her skin crawl but it did, sometimes.

“Let’s hope not,” he agreed as he climbed in beside her. He made no moves toward her but lay quietly beside her. He had decided early on that it would have to be up to her to make the first move when she was ready. He would not push her. He had no way of knowing that she needed him to make the first move because she may never be ready.

Okay, Jo, it’s now or never, she said to herself. “Roy, I need to tell you something but I don’t want you to say anything until I’m finished, okay?”

Roy was scared because Joanne was so serious and it was unnerving after everything they’d been through but things couldn’t possibly get any worse he thought so he agreed to let Joanne have her say.

She sat up and moved her body so that she was directly in front of him. She wanted to be able to see his face. So many emotions she’d seen reflected on his face throughout the years and especially these last two months. His face was so easy to read and she needed to be able to read it tonight.

She took his hand in her own and caressed it. She could feel the tears brimming but she resolved not to let them fall. At least not in the beginning. She looked up at him and saw the trepidation on his face. He’s worried, she thought, I better just get this over with.

“Roy, remember when we agreed that we would have another child,” she asked.

He nodded.

She smiled. “I’m pregnant. The doctor told me the other day.” She watched his face. First she saw surprise, this was the last thing he expected to hear. Then she watched as the recognition set in.

“Now Roy, I know what you’re thinking. I thought the same thing at first but remember, Roy, remember that morning,” she pleaded. “Remember that wonderful morning, Roy?”

He nodded again.

“So do I, Babe. It’s the only thing keeping me going right now,” she told him honestly with a shaky voice. “I was terrified when I found out but now that I’ve had time to think about it, Roy, I just know that this baby is ours. I feel it, Roy. I know it in my heart.” She placed a hand across her chest to emphasize.

She watched as a myriad of emotions played across his handsome features. Fear, anger, sadness, hope. She picked up on the last one and held onto it for dear life.

“It is our child, Roy, but we can have it confirmed to erase any doubts. I called my GYN while you were picking up Jenny. They can test our blood and do a procedure called Amnio – something or other and then we can know for sure.”

She had stopped talking and he remained silent. “Okay, I’m done now so it’s your turn. Whatever you want to say, say it, please. I have to know how you feel.”

“I, I really don’t know what to say. I’m a little shell shocked right now,” he admitted.

“I was too at first but after I talked it over with Dr. Anders today, I realized that this baby is ours.” She didn’t know who she was trying to convince more, herself or Roy.

“Dr. Anders knows? And you didn’t tell me?”

“I was scared, Roy. I didn’t want you thinking that, that, well, I didn’t want you thinking what you’re thinking now.”

Roy closed his eyes in an effort to block his tears. Joanne was pregnant. How long had they been trying? Three years. Three years with no results. She kept insisting that this child was theirs. What she meant was his. She wanted him to believe that this child was his. But was it? He opened his eyes and looked at Joanne. Her face was so full of hope. She had been through so much and although he didn’t share the same feeling that she did, he knew how hard, how terrifying this was for her. He wanted to be able to tell that he agreed with her, that this child was his but he couldn’t. The words just wouldn’t come.

“Please say something, Roy, please.”

“What if it isn’t? What if it isn’t our child?”

“I don’t know,” she answered honestly. “Dr. Allen told me that this Amnio thing would be able to tell us for sure.”

“And what if what we find out isn’t what you want to hear?”

Her voice was cracking as she answered, “I don’t know. Do you want me to get rid of it, have an abortion? I will, Roy, if you don’t want this child, then I will. Just tell me what to do.”

“I can’t, Jo. I can’t tell you what to do. I’m in the business of saving lives, not taking them. I would never ask you to do that but if you wanted to then I wouldn’t stop you.” This was so hard. God, what was the right answer here. There was no way in hell he wanted her to abort her child because regardless of the father it was her child. But it had to be her choice. She was the one who was violated. She was the one who had been beaten and raped and suffered horrifying nightmares.

Her eyes pleaded with him for an answer and he struggled to find the words to convey his thoughts. He couldn’t tell her what to do but he could tell he what he could do.

“This is what I can tell you. I love you, Joanne. I love everything about you. I can’t imagine living my life without you. Ever. This baby is a part of you and so it is a part of me. Of us.” He wanted to scream at the fates that brought them to these crossroads. Two distinctly separate paths laid out in front of them that once crossed could never be changed. It wasn’t fair. By all rights this should be their child. Damn it, this would be their child.

The tears were streaming down her face unchecked now as she asked him, “Do you mean that, Roy. Could you really live with not knowing? I couldn’t bear it if you came to resent me for this. I couldn’t bear it if you hated me.”

He raised his hand to cup her face and brought it down to meet his. His lips caressed hers. “I could never hate you. I love you and I don’t want you to suffer any more than you already have. I would love to know that I am the father of this baby but I would rather live with the thought that I am than to know for sure that I’m not.” He nearly choked on those last few words and his eyes were filled with unshed tears. “If you want to keep this child then I don’t want to have this test done. If you keep this child, it will be our child.”

“Oh, Roy. I love you so much. What have I ever done to deserve you,” she sobbed. He gathered her in his arms and for the first time in almost seven weeks, they made love. Roy was gentle and it was a bit awkward at times but it was a start. They’d chosen their path and there would be no turning back now. And as Joanne drifted off to sleep in his arms, Roy quietly told her, “It’s me that doesn’t deserve you, Joanne Desoto.”

Roy lay awake well until the night. He had promised Joanne that this would be their child. He only hoped that he could live up to his promise. It would be so nice to know the truth but there was one truth that he didn’t know if he could live with.

Why now was the question that kept popping up in his head. For the last three years they had been trying to conceive another child so why now? If he was the father, why now? To Roy’s mind, the odds were not in his favor. It’s better to not know, he thought because if I don’t know, there’s always the chance. I can’t have that taken away from me. It might destroy us.

Tonight Roy had pushed away all of the negative thoughts that he had harbored since the attack. He had seen Joanne’s face so full of hope and he couldn’t take that away from her. When she told him she was pregnant and the realization set in that it was most likely a result of the rape, he’d wanted to kill the bastard all over again. But he had looked at Joanne’s face and he knew that wasn’t what she needed to hear. She wanted his assurances that everything would be all right. She had offered to have an abortion. To possibly abort their child. Roy couldn’t live that either. It would eat away at her each and every day. The doubt and the uncertainty would worm their way through her and tear her apart. He couldn’t have that. He just prayed and hoped that this child truly was his. For he didn’t know if either of them would be prepared to deal with the consequence that it wasn’t.

But it’s a baby, an innocent baby. A baby, possibly his, but a baby nonetheless who was not to be blamed for it’s conception. Roy looked down at his wife, her brown eyes closed in slumber, her dark hair in stark contrast to the white pillow that it rested upon. He thought about his two children with their Sandy blonde hair that so perfectly matched his own. What will this child look like? Chris and Jenny so closely resembled each other. Would he treat this child differently if it didn’t follow suit. His sister’s children looked nothing alike but there had never been a question as to their paternity.

Roy knew that any test of the magnitude that Joanne was talking about would take weeks to get the results. It would be too late at that time to do anything about it. So he had to ask himself a few questions. Would he honestly be able to say how he will feel toward this child? No. Would it drive him crazy wondering if they had aborted his child? Yes. Was there any cut and dry solution? No. Would he like to be put in a room alone with the one person responsible for this situation? Oh, yes, most definitely yes.

********

Roy and Johnny were sitting on Roy’s deck. They had spent the morning replacing some shingles on the roof and were now taking a much-needed break. Roy had taken a healthy swig from his beer can and then poured out the most recent string of events in this never-ending nightmare.

Johnny lifted his head and looked directly at Roy. “You’re kidding, right?” he asked incredulously.

“No, I’m not kidding,” he said between clenched teeth. “I wish to God I was.”

“Jesus Roy, how’s Joanne taking all of this?” Johnny asked him after the shock wore off.

“She was really bad at first. But she’s convinced herself that this is our child and she’s feeling much better.”

“Well, what about you? How are you doing with it?” Johnny was deeply concerned for his friend and it was evident on his face.

“I honestly don’t know. I’m trying to be understanding, for Joanne, but sometimes I just want to put my fist through the wall, you know?” Roy stood and walked to the other side of the deck, his back to his friend so he didn’t see Johnny nod his agreement.

“I think Joanne really wants to have this test done because she believes that it will show the child is ours but if it doesn’t … well, how would you feel if you found out that your wife was going to give birth to a child that wasn’t biologically yours?” Roy’s grip on the railing of the deck was tight that his knuckles were turning white.

He didn’t wait for Johnny to respond because he hadn’t expected an answer. “How would you feel knowing that your wife was violated in the worst possible way and there wasn’t anything you could do to protect her? I can’t believe this is happening,” he said with an sardonic laugh, “it’s like a god damn soap opera. My life is a soap opera. All I ever wanted, Johnny, was to live a nice simple life. To have a family, to have a job that meant something, to have a wife and children to come home to at the end of a day.”

“Roy, you have that. No matter what else has happened, you still have that.” Johnny came up to stand next to Roy at the railing. “Look Roy, do you love your wife?”

Roy turned angry eyes to his friend. “Of course I do, how dare…”

Johnny held up his hand to stop him. “Has what happened to her changed that?”

“No,” he replied honestly. “But I feel like I failed her. I should have been there for her and I wasn’t.” He glanced sideways and saw Johnny looking at him but Roy looked away. He didn’t want to see Johnny’s face when he told him what he had decided. “I, uh, I’m going to resign, I think.”

“What? Why?”

“I don’t want Joanne and the kids left alone at night all the time. It isn’t safe. I can’t sleep when I’m at the station knowing that their home alone and that maniac is out there. I’m going to find a nine to five job.” He chanced a look at his friend. Johnny’s face was one of pure shock.

“Listen, Pally, they’re going to catch this guy. And when they do, I hope they lock him up and throw away the key so he can rot away in jail. But quitting your job isn’t the answer. You love being a paramedic, Roy, it’s who you are. You can’t change that.” John Gage couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He knew had an immense feeling of guilt over what had happened to his wife but this was the last thing he expected to hear.

“You’re right, John, they may just catch him but honestly, I hope some other husband catches him and manages to put a bullet between his eyes.” Roy couldn’t believe he said that out loud. He thought about it all the time. Hell, he even wanted it to be him. He might go to jail but it’d be worth it. “But even if they do, there’ll be another like him. This world is just full of sick perverts and it’s only getting worse. At least if I’m home at night, I can protect my family.”

“Just because Joanne was attacked at night doesn’t mean that it can’t happen during the day. Roy, you can’t follow her around for the rest of her life every minute of every day.” Johnny was trying to reason with his friend but he wasn’t getting through.

“Well, I’m sure as hell going to try,” Roy replied.

“You can’t let this guy, or anything else for that matter, run your life Roy. If you do, then he wins, don’t you see?”

“You sound like the shrinks, Johnny. He’s already won,” he answered bitterly.

“No, he hasn’t. You still have Joanne. She’s still here and you two are gonna get through this. Don’t make any rash decisions right now, okay? It’s still too fresh. Look, I’ll put in a transfer to C shift or something so I can watch out for her when you’re working but don’t quit Roy. We’ll figure something out. I’ll do whatever I can to help you guys.”

Roy couldn’t believe that Johnny had made that offer. He didn’t know what to say. There were no words, he merely nodded his head. Johnny threw his arm around Roy’s shoulder and led his friend back to the patio chair. His mind was reeling with the news of the day. When were things going to get back better for his friends? Would they ever?

********

True to his word, John Gage put in for a transfer to another shift. Only the men of A shift knew the real reason why and although they understood, they were upset to be losing a friend off their shift. Chet Kelly was especially upset although he would never admit to it and it seemed that everywhere Johnny went in those last few shifts, he was met with a water bomb. The phantom was getting in his last kicks.

Roy hadn’t told any of his fellow crewmates about Joanne’s pregnancy though. He didn’t want to deal with the questions or have to wonder what they were thinking. He knew that it would soon be evident and he hoped that their thoughts never wandered back to that horrible night.

Joanne was three months pregnant by this time and she was still seeing Dr. Anders on a weekly basis. Her nightmares still came at least once a week if not more. Johnny was put on C shift at another station. He had hoped to be able to stay at 51s but he was needed elsewhere. Roy didn’t relish the idea of having anyone but John Gage as a partner but he was thankful to know that Joanne was being looked after and it allowed him to concentrate on his job while he was at work.

Joanne had put her foot down when Roy suggested that Johnny sleep in the guest room and assured them both that she would be fine and that Johnny was just a phone call away. She still couldn’t believe that Johnny had done this for them. She knew how anxious Roy was each time he left the house and that knowing that Johnny was not far away had really helped to ease his mind.

And then it happened. Roy was working and Joanne had the television on in the living room while she puttered around the house picking up the kids toys. She was getting ready to go to bed but she didn’t like the house being so quiet so she always left the set on until she was ready to go upstairs. She stopped in her tracks as the sound of the newscaster’s voice reached her. A woman had been attacked only a few short blocks from her house. She broke out in a cold sweat and she felt sick to her stomach. She ran to the bathroom and relieved her stomach of their contents. Roy, she needed to talk to Roy. She called the station but no one answered. She hung the phone up but immediately picked it back up and dialed.

Johnny answered on the first ring. Joanne’s voice was barely discernable.

Jo, Joanne, is that you? Are you all right?” Johnny quickly asked.

She was crying. “The news. Another woman. Oh, God.” Those were the only words that Johnny could make out.

“I’m on my way, Joanne. Keep the doors locked until I get there, okay? Jo, promise me,” he said sternly to get her attention.

“Promise. I’m scared,” she mumbled in response. And Johnny was out the door in mere seconds.

Joanne sat on the sofa with her knees pulled up to her chest, her arms hugging her legs. She stayed that way until the sound of Johnny banging on the front door permeated her brain. She ran for the door but didn’t open it.

“J Johnny? Is that you?” she called out.

“Yeah, Jo, it’s me. Open the door,” he told her and he could hear the locks turning. She flung the door open and fell into his arms. He caught her purely on reflex. She was shaking so badly and he picked her up and took her back inside. He put her down long enough to lock the door behind him and then carried her to the couch.

“Jo, it’s okay. You’re okay, Calm down, Joanne. Come on now, it’s okay,” he murmured to her as he held her tight.

“He’s still out there, he’s still out there,” she cried.

“You’re safe, Joanne. Come on now, I need you to calm down.” He had never seen her so hysterical. She was terrified beyond words and it scared the shit out of him.

When at last she had gotten some semblance of control on herself, Johnny had called Roy again just to let him know that Joanne was all right, but there was still no answer. It was just as well, Johnny thought, for Roy would have wanted to be at home and not at the station. After Johnny got Joanne to sleep, he turned on the television. He didn’t know what he was looking for as all of the newscasts were long over at this point but he turned it on anyway. He stretched out on the sofa knowing that it would very possibly be a long night. Eventually he let sleep claim him.

Johnny’s eyelid opened but not of it’s own accord. “Uncle Johnny, are you awake?” Jenny whispered in his ear. “Mommy said we could eat when you were awake, so are you awake?”

“I am now, sweetie,” he said taking her hands in his in order to keep them from continuing to pry his eyelids open. He threw his legs off the side and sat up.

“Mommy,” she hollered, “Uncle Johnny’s awake!” The little girl climbed up next to him on the sofa. “How come you’re sleeping on my sofa?”

He didn’t know what to say. “Umm, cause umm…”

“Daddy says we have a guest room for when people sleep over so how come you’re sleeping on the sofa?”

“I guess I just fell asleep here is all, is that okay with you,” he said as he tweaked her nose.

“I guess it’s okay. Sometimes my Daddy falls asleep there too,” she agreed giggling.

Joanne walked into the living room. “Jennifer, did you wake your Uncle Johnny?” she scolded.

“Nuh uh,” the little girl said. “His eye was awake. I checked.”

Joanne frowned wondering how she checked to see if his eye was awake. “Your father should be home soon, so scoot to your room and change your clothes.” She gave her a playful swat on her behind as the little girl ran by.

Joanne turned back to Johnny. “Thanks for last night. For coming by and everything.” She was wringing her hands together.

“You don’t have to thank me, Jo. Anytime you guys need me, I’ll be here,” he told her honestly.

“I guess I was a bit of wreck last night,” she said sheepishly.

“With good reason,” he assured her. Both of them turned at the sound of a very weary Roy coming through the door. He looked exhausted but as soon as he realized that Johnny was there he became concerned. They were honest and told him what had happened. There was no point in trying to spare Roy as he would read about it in the paper anyway. He was overcome with remorse that once again when Joanne needed him he wasn’t around but he was thankful that Johnny had been and for the first time ever he was glad that Johnny was not his partner. Because if he had been, then neither of them would have been available to Joanne when she needed someone.

Station 51 had been called out on a huge apartment fire right around eleven o’clock so Roy had missed any of the reports about last night’s attack. His face paled as he listened to what Joanne was telling him. He was glad that he hadn’t heard about last night because he didn’t know if he’d have been able to do his job properly. Anxiety about his wife would have most likely interfered.

No one had mentioned anything about a serial rapist at this point but Joanne knew that four women had now been attacked since the beginning of the year. One of them had been killed in the attack. She wasn’t sure if they were related or not but it was disturbing that this latest one happened so close to her neighborhood. She tried to shake off the feeling of dread that was once again settling in the pit of her stomach.

“Let’s eat,” she announced as a change of topic was definitely needed. At least for her.

They were just about finished when the police knocked on the door. Vince was with them and quickly explained that after last night’s incident they wanted to ask Joanne a few more questions. The identity of the woman was never revealed but Vince did let on that it was firefighter’s wife and that coincidence warranted looking into.

Johnny rounded up the two kids and took them to the park so that Joanne and Roy could talk freely without worry of the children overhearing anything. This last piece of news was quite disconcerting to all of them. Two wives of firefighters attacked within months of each other in virtually the same area. Who the hell was doing this?

*********

The police attempted to be very delicate with their questions but the nature of the attacks demanded that some questions would be quite personal. Joanne did her best to answer and Roy, despite the fact that he didn’t want to hear the details again, stayed by her side the entire time. It was like reliving the entire nightmare again for both of them and no matter how much time had passed, it didn’t ease the pain.

Joanne recounted the events of the day for the detectives beginning with taking the kids to school. It had been a very busy day for her but not unlike any other. She told them again that after dropping the kids off, she had gone to the dry cleaners and the grocery store. After that it had been laundry and housework before picking the kids back up. She ordered a pizza for dinner since the kids would both be going to sleepovers. It would be a rare occasion that she would have the house to herself and she had planned to go for a quick jog and then come back take a leisurely bath, which she never had time for anymore, and then settle down for the night with a book.

She dropped Chris off first and then her plans got a little delayed because she had stayed much too long chatting with her friend Anne when she dropped Jenny off at their house. It was well after nine when she returned to the house and she debated whether or not to go but it was a beautiful night and she felt the exercise would do her good and so she went. It was on her way home when she first noticed another jogger but she didn’t much thought to it as she often saw other people out jogging when she went. And she had always felt safe in her own neighborhood. As she rounded the corner to their street, she could hear his footsteps just behind her and she moved over to let him pass. He grabbed her instead covering her mouth with one hand while shoving her into the Hubbard’s yard. She had bit down hard on his hand but he didn’t remove it. He merely laughed at her.

She remembered looking up at the Hubbard’s house praying that someone would look out and see what was going on but the house was dark. She was struggling with him and striking out with her fists and feet but it was all in vain. The more she struggled the more he seemed to enjoy it. Finally, he had gotten her all the way into the rear of the yard and thrown her to the ground covering her body with his own. He was wearing dark clothing and a ski mask. The only thing she could really recall was his eyes. Those menacing, evil eyes.

The police questioned her as to whether he had ever said anything to her and she shook her head no. He’d only laughed at her frustration and terror. She trembled as she recalled the ordeal for them and the detectives took notes and asked questions when they weren’t clear on things. She tried to scream over and over again despite his threats on her life and she had done so whenever he had to take his hand off of her mouth. It seemed an eternity to her before she heard the sirens and realized that someone must have heard her screams. He heard them to and rolled off of her and then she remembered that he had muttered the word “Damn”.

She sat there lost in her thoughts and memories. She didn’t want to be conjuring up these memories now. She had finally gotten to the point where she was able to block most of them out. But, of course, they always came to her in her dreams. And it was then that she remembered what he said as he fled.

“Oh my God,” she exclaimed, “he did say something.”

“What?” both the detectives said in unison. She looked at Roy and he squeezed her hand in support.

“I don’t remember exactly. Something about being the perfect wife or being a perfect family.” Joanne didn’t notice the look that passed between the two detectives. “I’m sorry but I don’t remember exactly what he said. It was something like that, something about being perfect. That’s all I remember.”

Joanne was exhausted and just recounting these events had taken it’s toll on her and it was evident to Roy and to the officers. And before Roy could even ask them if they had everything they needed, they told him that they did. Vince escorted them out after telling Roy that he’d let him know if anything came up. Roy had nodded but remained on the sofa with Joanne.

“Are you okay, Jo?” he asked as he rubbed his hand on her back.

She nodded. “I can’t believe that I didn’t remember hearing him say anything,” she said quietly.

“You were traumatized. It’s understandable,” Roy assured her.

“But what do you think it means? I’m hardly the perfect wife, Roy.” The confusion was written all over her face.

“You are to me, Sweetheart,” he told her lovingly.

“Don’t, Roy. Don’t say that,” she cried. “I’m far from perfect. Especially now.” She was sobbing in his arms and he was trying to assure her that she was wrong. She would always be perfect in his eyes. She was the most precious person in his life. She was his lover, his confidante, and his soul mate. Some men may see their wives differently after such a brutal attack but not Roy Desoto. For him, nothing had changed about the way he loved Joanne. If anything, it had brought to the surface just how much he did love her.

********

Later that night, Chet Kelly stopped by Johnny’s apartment. He’d read about the attack in the paper and he had wanted to call Roy but he didn’t want to intrude or bring up unpleasant memories. Like all the members of 51’s A shift, he was deeply concerned about his friends.

Johnny told him what little he knew, which was what Roy had filled him in on when he brought the kids back to the house. Johnny had been astounded that it was another wife of a fellow fireman. Could it be just a coincidence, he wondered and he said as much to Chet who announced that he couldn’t imagine anyone who was sick enough to do this.

Chet asked Johnny how he was doing at 36’s and Johnny told him that it was okay. The guys were nice, of course, there was no phantom, but Johnny could live with that he told the stocky Irishman. Chet just laughed and there was a twinkle in his eye.

“Seriously, Chet, it’s not 51’s but it’s good. I’m partnered with Evan Thompson. He’s all right. He’s new, still a little hesitant at times but he’s good. We’ve got Singer as an Engineer and Jenkins and Shipley on the Engine. Captain Garcia is a great guy. A real good leader, you know?”

“I know Jenks. We came through the academy together,” Chet acknowledged. “He always was a little quirky. He still like that?”

“Not that I’ve seen,” Johnny replied placing a hand on his chest in emphasis. “But ,of course, you’d know more about that than me, Chester B.”

“Funny, Gage, real funny. I come all the way over here to see how you’re doing and all you can do is make fun of me.” His voice was full of mock hurt and Johnny knew it.

“Hopefully they’ll catch this jerk soon and then I’ll be back. Remember, it’s only temporary. Cap put it in for six months so we’ll see what happens,” Johnny reminded his friend.

“Yeah, well, it’s still different without the phantom’s favorite pigeon around,” Chet said sadly and Johnny laughed at him.

“I know, but I had to do it. Roy was going nuts. This has been so hard on him. I had to do something. I couldn’t let him walk away from the department. If this is what it takes then so be it. I can live with it no matter how long I have to stay on C shift.” His voice was soft and Chet knew that he meant every word he said. All of the guys on A shift knew how close their paramedic team was and although they all considered each other family, Roy and Johnny had a bond that transcended anything else.

“I hate to cut your little visit short, Chet, but I do have to work tomorrow so I need to get some shut eye, all right?”

“Yeah, all right. Well, when you talk to Roy tell him that I asked about them, okay?”

Johnny nodded. “You’ll probably see him first, though” he told his friend. “I’m working tomorrow and then you guys are on and then I’m pulling a double.”

“Oh yeah, who for?”

“Davis on B shift. He’s got his sister’s wedding in San Diego so I told him that I’d pick up one of his shifts.”

Johnny finally got Chet to leave so that he could get to bed but he couldn’t shake the nagging thoughts that he took with him. He wondered about the latest victim and although they didn’t know her identity, they knew that she was married to one of their own. And that fact didn’t sit well with him. Johnny could feel his blood boiling as he lay there and he knew that whatever he was feeling, Roy and Joanne were feeling it ten times worse.

********

As the weeks wore on, the police were still no closer to catching the man who had attacked Joanne Desoto although they were fairly confident that it was the same one who had attacked Liz Buchanan.

Joanne continued to have her nightmares and mood swings and Roy knew that regardless of whether they caught him or not, these things were not very likely to go away. She was now six months pregnant and her doctor assured her that everything was progressing normally. The kids were both excited about having a new brother or sister and Jenny especially bombarded her with many questions.

It was clearly evident to everyone by this time that Joanne was pregnant and when Roy had finally told his closest friends and crewmates, they had been ecstatic for him and Joanne. If anyone had any thoughts or suspicions about the timing of this child, they hadn’t been expressed out loud for which Roy was grateful. He missed working with Johnny and although his replacement was certainly competent, he was no match for John Gage. Roy and Johnny rarely had to communicate verbally during a call. They could read each other so well and been working together for so long that they instinctively knew what they other was thinking.

Roy was looking forward to this year’s annual fire department picnic but with some sadness as Johnny would be celebrating it with Station 36. C shift would be on duty but some of guys were splitting duty with other shifts in order for all of them to be able to participate and Johnny was working the morning but would be arriving later in the afternoon and Roy was looking forward to spending some time with his friend. It had been hard for the two friends to find much time to spend together these days and Roy was still amazed and thankful that Johnny had rearranged his life for them.

Roy knew that Johnny spent one of his days off looking after his wife and it eased his mind so much. Johnny called often to check in on her not to mention his nightly drive by’s to be sure that all was quiet in the Desoto neighborhood. And sometimes he just came over and the spent the evening with Joanne claiming that he missed the kids but it wasn’t a lie for Johnny truly loved spending time with Roy’s kids. He didn’t have any of his own and there weren’t any current prospects on the horizon and it was just as well because Johnny was very much a bachelor.

The day of the picnic turned out to be a beautiful California day despite the weatherman’s predictions to the contrary. Joanne was apprehensive about going. She hadn’t seen many of these people in quite some time and she didn’t know how many of them would know what had happened to her. She imagined that they did though, because no matter how hard you tried, there was just no stopping the fire department grapevine. She prayed that no one would have the gall to approach her about it and determined that she would stick with the other ladies of 51’s.

She needn’t have worried though because hardly a second went by that she was alone. Station 51 and their wives had closed ranks around Joanne and someone was with her at all times. It wasn’t something that had been predetermined but it had happened nonetheless. Joanne didn’t know why she was so uncomfortable but she was. People stopped by to offer their congratulations and best wishes for her impending delivery and each time Joanne silently wondered if they knew or suspected.

When Johnny arrived he split his time between Station 36 and Station 51 and it had been so long since any of the guys on A shift had seen him. It wasn’t long before the women were left alone to fend for themselves and the children for a while. Joanne had been chatting amicably with Grace Stanley when she noticed that Christopher wasn’t around. She excused herself to go looking and Grace had offered to go with her but Joanne had insisted that she would be fine. As it turned out, Chris and another little boy had wandered off to the playground and Joanne stood there watching them play for a few minutes.

It was then that she heard the laugh. His laugh. She spun around but nothing was amiss. Groups of men and women stood talking, laughing but still she heard it. She broke out in a cold sweat and her legs swayed beneath her. Oh my God, she thought, he’s here.

She looked around desperately for anyone she knew but no one was in sight. Where was Roy? She spun in circles as her eyes searched the crowd for a familiar face. Her heart was racing and she was having trouble breathing. Her mind kept screaming that he was nearby and had come to get her. She clutched her chest as a wave of dizziness swept over her. “Roy,” she managed to get out finally and saw some heads turn her way.

A nearby fireman saw her sway and reached out to grab her but she fought against him. I won’t let this happen again, she thought as she struggled to get away from him. She was fighting for every breath.

“She’s hyperventilating,” someone yelled.

“Where’s Desoto? Isn’t this Desoto’s wife?” the man holding her said.

“Here use this.” A paper bag was thrust into his hands. It took everything he had but he managed to get a hold on the woman. He took the paper bag and attempted to place it over her mouth and still she fought him. He was grateful that someone else took it from him and trying to get her to breathe into it.

“Someone call for a squad.”

A small boy stood on the playground taking in the scene before him. “Mommy,” he said quietly as the tears ran down his cheeks. “Mommy,” he screamed as he ran toward Joanne. Someone grabbed him and held him back. “Your mom’s gonna be okay, son. Let the firemen do their jobs all right?” Chris nodded but it wasn’t all right.

Chet noticed the commotion first. “What the heck is going on over there?” he said to no one in particular. Roy and Johnny both turned to look. Mike Stoker broke through the crowd and his eyes locked with Roy’s. “It’s Joanne,” he called and Roy took off like a bat out of hell with Johnny and Chet right on his heels.

Roy’s mind was reeling with possibilities and he tried to tell himself that everything would be okay but Mike’s face was panicked and that scared him. Mike never panicked.

He broke through the crowd and saw Joanne on the ground being supported by another firefighter. He could hear the sirens in the distant but they were growing louder by the second. He didn’t hesitate in rushing to her side and the man gladly gave up his position to Roy. Johnny was only a split second behind Roy and the paramedic who was there gave him ample room to get in. If anyone was going to get her to calm down, it was these two.

By the time the squad and then the ambulance arrived, Joanne had calmed considerably. She felt foolish and most people had gone back to the picnic wishing to give them some privacy but some lingered. Roy insisted that she go to Rampart to be checked out and she agreed for the sake of the baby. Johnny assured them that he would take care of the children and meet them at the hospital. He helped load Joanne into the ambulance and watched as Roy climbed in with her. He closed the doors and gave the customary two slaps to the back. He watched sadly as it pulled away. He felt a small hand slip into his and turned to look down.

“Is my mom gonna die, Uncle Johnny?”

“No, Christopher,” he said tussling the boys blonde locks. “No, you’re mom’s gonna be just fine,” he assured the little boy and he prayed that he was right.

“Let’s go find your sister and then you can go see for yourself. Okay?”

Chris nodded and although he was still worried, he believed his uncle.

On his way to get Jennifer, Johnny was stopped many times by people asking how Joanne was and what had happened. He could tell that some of them truly were concerned but it angered him that some of them were just being nosy. It was none of their damn business, he thought. But he saw it so often in his line of work, people milling around an emergency, getting in the way, for no particular reason. And sometimes he just wanted to scream at the them to get the hell out of the way but he was a professional and he never had and today was no different.

He did take the time to say thank you, on Roy’s behalf, to the two men who’d been of assistance to Joanne before he and Roy and even the on duty paramedics got there. He’d seen people freak out before but never Joanne and even the night that she had called him so upset hadn’t prepared him for this. She had been in the throws of an all out panic attack and he wondered what had caused it.

When he’s spoken to Carl Biggs, which was an appropriate name for him, Carl had said only that he’d heard her call out for Roy and when he looked over she was going down. He didn’t even really register a conscious thought before he reached her. His long legs and enabled him to cross the distance in no time flat.

“She kept trying to push me away, Gage. I don’t know what it was, but something had that little lady spooked. And to be honest, I was a mite scared myself. You know, her condition and all.” For as big as he was, Carl Biggs, had a heart to match and a soft one at that and everyone who knew him liked the guy. Johnny was no exception.

Johnny nodded.

"Thanks again, Carl," he said as he extended his hand. Carl grabbed it and gave it a hearty shake.

It had been scary to see Joanne like that and Johnny resolved to find time to talk to Chris about exactly what he had seen. If a big guy like Biggs is worrying, he could only imagine what had been going through Christopher’s head. He rounded up both of kids and loaded them into the Rover for the drive to the hospital.

After a lengthy examination and many questions by Dr. Brackett, Joanne was released into Roy’s care. He explained to her that she’d had an anxiety attack brought about by her fear of her attacker being nearby. He said that it was common among women who’d shared experiences similar to Joanne’s. Both Dr. Brackett and Dixie urged Joanne to consider a support group and not for the first time.

“But I am still going to Dr. Anders,” she replied.

“And that’s a good thing, Joanne. I’m not telling you to stop. The support group is made up of other women such as yourself who’ve been assaulted.” Dr. Brackett explained as he looked at both Roy and Joanne.

“It helps, sometimes, to know that you aren’t alone. That there are others who understand exactly what you’re going through because they’ve been there,” Dixie added.

Joanne said she’d think about it but she certainly didn’t relish the idea of talking about what had happened with total strangers. It was bad enough to have to do it for the police and the doctors, she thought, but if nothing else, Dixie and Kel were persistent and she’d found herself agreeing to go next week.

After they had left the treatment room, Dixie turned to Kel with tears in her eyes, “I feel so bad for her, for them.”

Kel’s mouth tightened into a thin line as he nodded his agreement.

Joanne and Roy had found Johnny and the kids waiting for them in the lounge and both kids were overjoyed to see their mother. Especially Chris, who had been witness to the entire episode. Johnny offered to keep the kids at his place overnight but Joanne insisted that she was fine now.

Upon returning to the house, Roy insisted that Joanne lay down and relax while he took care of getting the kids their baths and readying them for bed. It had been a long day for all of them. And as they were settling down for the night, Joanne had turned to Roy and said, “He was there, Roy, I know he was.”

Roy didn’t comment at first. He was trying to find the right words when Joanne continued, “I know you all think I’m crazy but I’m not.”

“Jo, we don’t think that. I don’t think,” he told her. “But Dr. Brackett said it’s not uncommon to think that you heard his voice or that you’ve seen his face when you’re surrounded by unfamiliar people.” Roy couldn’t and didn’t want to fathom the idea that this animal had been able to get this close to Joanne again.

She shook her head, “You’re wrong, Roy. I DID hear him. I heard his laugh. It was him. I’ll never forget that sound as long as I live.” She had tears in her eyes as she said it and as he looked at her, he knew that she truly believed in what she was saying.

“Jo, if what you’re saying is true, then it’s….it’s got to be….I mean there were only firemen there,” he couldn’t bring himself to say it.

“Oh so, what you’re saying is that there aren’t any bad fireman?” Her brown eyes blazed at him. “That there’s no way it could have been one of your precious so called brothers!”

“No,” he exclaimed. “you’re twisting my words all around, Joanne. It’s just,” he paused and brought his eyes up to meet hers and the pain that she saw in them was almost too much to bear.

“Oh, Roy, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” she told him through her tears.

He was dumbfounded as he encircled her in his arms. “What are you sorry for? You have nothing to be sorry for.”

“I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry for treating you so badly sometimes, I’m sorry that can’t get seem to get through a day without bursting into tears, I’m sorry for what I just said but most of all, I’m sorry that I ever went jogging that night.” She was sobbing in his arms and he felt powerless to help her.

“It’s not you fault, Joanne. It’s not,” he soothed. And as he continued to hold her, his mind drifted back to the picnic earlier today. Could it be possible? Could it have been one of them? He knew that there were some bad apples in the department, every department had them but could someone he knows be responsible for this?

Granted it was the fireman’s picnic but it was a public park. Anyone who paid the entrance fee would have been able to gain entrance, he thought. And there were so many firemen and their families there. Some he knew, some he didn’t but the department was like a family. And Roy would have risked his life without a moment’s hesitation for any one of them and he had done so many times in the past. He just couldn't fathom the idea that it could have been one of his own. But he was beginning to.

He realized then that he should have called the police but he was so consumed with worry over Joanne that he hadn’t even thought to. He would call them from the station tomorrow and he’d have to give Johnny a heads up as well in case they wanted to come by to ask Joanne any more questions. He didn’t want her to have to face them alone and it was too late at this hour to try to get a replacement. Again, he found himself grateful that he had a good friend that he could rely on.

********

The following Thursday night, Joanne attended her first support group meeting. She couldn’t believe how many people were there. People just like me, she thought. As she looked around the room and surveyed the people in attendance, she realized that just by looking at them, you would never guess that they had been the victim of an assault. It was one of things that she felt was so obvious about herself, that people could take one look at her and know.

The director, having noticed a new face in the crowd, immediately came over to introduce herself welcome Joanne. Her name was Cathy and she explained that last names were not necessary in order to make people more comfortable.

“It’s rather a diverse group,” the woman explained and Joanne agreed. She’d been surprised to see quite a few men.

“Don’t let it surprise you. Men get raped and assaulted, too.” She took her by the arm as they walked. “The Carson Support Group supports both male and female survivors of rape, childhood abuse, any type of sexual assault and domestic violence. We listen and try to offer support. It doesn’t matter how long ago the incident occurred or where.”

She went on to continue, “We provide information about reporting to the police and about the court process as well as information on other agencies and organizations that may be able to help, support groups, counseling, where to go for health information regarding sexually transmitted diseases or pregnancy tests.”

Joanne visibly blanched at her last comment and Cathy noticed. She had noticed when Joanne first arrived that she was pregnant and Cathy was now concerned for her.

“Are you okay?”

Joanne recovered quickly and nodded. “I, uh, I didn’t realize that so many people, were um, that so many people would be here.”

“More than I would like,” Cathy replied as she looked around the room. “Are you sure you’re okay?” She wanted to get Joanne to open up to her but realized that would take some time. She had her suspicions about the pregnancy because of the way Joanne reacted when she mentioned pregnancy tests but it was a subject that Joanne would have to broach.

“Why don’t you take a seat and we’ll get started,” she instructed indicating the nearby chairs.

Cathy went to the podium. “I want to thank each and every one of you for being here tonight. I know it’s hard but I hope that you will take away something from tonight’s meeting. Something that will help you in your healing. Those of you who know me, know that I like to quote people. So tonight I will share with you that Abraham Lincoln once said ‘The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time’. And that’s just it ladies and gentlemen, we get through life one day at a time. No matter how you feel now or what happened today, tomorrow will be another day. This is your time to heal. There is no time limit to your pain, no magic wand or quick cure that will make you feel better. Lord knows I wish I had one. But we are here to help each other. So, I open up the floor to anyone who wishes to speak.”

Joanne listened as stories were shared and horrors were revealed but many talked about their lives since. It was astounding to realize how many marriages had broken up, engagements called off. It crossed her mind how lucky she was to have Roy. She’d been so afraid of how he would feel towards her but she needn’t have been. The people that spoke that night could have been reading Joanne’s mind. The nightmares, the flashbacks, the anger, the tears, they were all common threads heard throughout the night. Some people even had suggestions on how to deal with them, things that Joanne hadn’t heard before.

And as the evening was winding down, Joanne found herself very glad that she came and she said as much to Cathy when she saw her again.

“So you’ll be back next week then?” Cathy asked with a smile.

“Yes, I think I will,” she answered.

“Great,” Cathy replied. “I’m sorry would you excuse me for a moment,” she said as she noticed someone trying to get her attention. Joanne felt a tap on the shoulder and turned to find a woman who looked vaguely familiar standing there. She was trying to recall where she could have met her before when the woman spoke.

“I, uh, I hope you don’t mind the intrusion,” she started. “My name is Elisabeth Buchanan. My friends call me Liz.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Liz,” Joanne replied. “I get the feeling that we’ve met before though, do I know you?”

“Yes, we have but it’s been awhile. We met last year at the firemen’s picnic,” she answered.

Recognition lit Joanne’s face, “Yes, I remember know. You’re married to David Buchanan, I remember. My husband, Roy, helped train Dave after he finished paramedic training, didn’t he?”

Liz nodded and smiled sadly at her. And then Joanne realized that this was the other woman who had been attacked three months ago. “I’m sorry that we had to meet again like this.”

The woman nodded as the tears came easily to her eyes. “Dave, my husband, wanted to go to the picnic this year but I just wasn’t up to it, you know?”

Joanne did know, she knew all too well and she found herself thankful that Liz hadn’t been there but she didn’t say anything.

“How’re you doing?” she found herself asking instead. Liz was the type of woman that Joanne would have described as cute. She was about five feet four or maybe five and had her blonde hair cut short much like Joanne’s. Her eyes were startling though, a very unusual shade of blue and they caught your attention every time you looked at her.

“I don’t know. I have good days and bad. Mostly bad, though,” she said honestly. “I came here tonight because I need to talk about what happened. Dave won’t talk about it. I think he thinks that if we don’t talk about it then it’s as if it never happened. How about you? Are you okay?”

Joanne smiled. “I’m getting through each day one day at a time, as Cathy says.” She wanted say how much Roy helped her when things got bad but she didn’t want to hurt Liz’s feelings.

There was an awkward moment of silence. So many questions that each wanted to ask the other but were unsure of how to say them. Neither wanted to cause the other unnecessary pain but out of all the survivors that were there that night, these two had a common bond. The same person had attacked them. It was Joanne who finally broke the silence.

“I think he was at the firemen’s picnic,” she said softy. Liz’s face went ashen. “I don’t know for sure but I’m certain that I heard his laughter. I’ll never forget that.”

“Neither will I,” Liz agreed. “He seemed to take a certain amount of satisfaction out of the attack.” She paused and looked around the room before turning back to Joanne. “Before he was done, he said ‘people think they’re so perfect, this’ll teach ‘em’. For the life of me, I have no idea what that was supposed to mean. He laughed as he said it,” she recalled. “It was awful. I don’t know him. I’ve never done anything to him. Why me?” The tears ran steadily down her face now and Joanne put an arm around her to comfort her.

“I don’t know,” she comforted. “I’m sure it had nothing to do with you or me, but unfortunately we had to bear the consequences.” She waited for Liz to calm down a bit and when she had, Joanne added, “he said something to me about being perfect, too but like you I have no idea what that is supposed to mean.”

Reluctantly, the two women parted company. The meeting was over for tonight and both had agreed that they would be back next week. Joanne had even given Liz her phone number to call in case she just needed to talk since she had no one at home that she could talk to.

And as they walked out into the night and Joanne saw Roy waiting for her, she felt a pang of sadness for her new friend as she watched her walk to her car alone.

*******

The next day the flowers arrived. Joanne was surprised and touched that Roy would send her flowers. She tipped the delivery boy and carried the flowers into the house. She pulled out a vase and arranged them prettily before sitting them on the dining room table.

She pulled the card out of the envelope and read, “the need inside you, I see it showin’, whoa the seed inside ya, baby, do you feel it growin’? Are you happy to know it? That you’re havin’ my baby. Didn’t have to keep it. Wouldn’t put you through it You could have swept it from your life, but you wouldn’t do it, no you wouldn’t do it. And you’re havin’ my baby.”

Her face paled as she read the card and the tears ran down her face. Roy didn’t do this. He sent these flowers. She felt sick. She knew the song by Paul Anka and had always thought it was beautiful but this was just cruel. She grabbed the flowers from the table and threw them in the trash, vase and all. She sank onto the kitchen floor and sobbed. All of her doubts and uncertainty had just been thrown up in her face and she couldn’t deal with that. She didn’t know how long she sat there crying before she called Roy at work. She knew she could and probably should call Johnny but she didn’t. She wanted Roy and no one else.

Luckily it was Roy who answered the phone at the station, “Los Angeles County Fire Department. Paramedic Roy Desoto,” he chimed.

“Roy, I need you,” Joanne cried.

“Honey? Jo, what’s wrong? Are you okay?” His mind traveled a million paths in a matter of seconds.

“I just need you to come home,” she said trying to keep her voice in check. She didn’t want him to go nuts just yet and she knew he would.

“I’ve got to get a replacement, Jo, but I’ll be there as soon as I can, okay?” She nodded but, of course, he couldn’t see it. “Did you call Johnny?”

“I don’t want Johnny here,” she sobbed. “I want you.”

“All right, Honey, listen, I’m going to hang up and call someone to come in for me, okay? And then I’ll be right home. I’ll even call you back and stay on the phone with you until he gets here, okay? How does that sound?” He was frantic with worry and already knew who would come in to replacement him on a moments notice. He just prayed that he would be home.

“Okay, Roy, just call me right back, okay?”

Roy hung up the phone and quickly dialed the one person who he could always count on. “Please be home. Please be home,” he chanted while the phone was ringing and then finally the call was answered. After making arrangements for his shift to be covered he called Joanne back and kept her on the phone all the while praying that he wouldn’t be called out until Johnny got to the station.

Roy Desoto was sure that he set a new land speed record getting home to his wife. He had no idea what had caused her to become so upset this time but the fact that she only wanted to see him scared the shit out of him. Johnny was like a brother to both of them and the fact that Joanne felt that she couldn’t turn to him this time set off panic alarms in his head.

Never in his wildest dreams had he expected what Joanne told him when he burst through the door. He was enraged. He wanted to scream every cuss word he knew but only refrained for Joanne’s sake.

“We have to call the police,” he told her.

“No,” she sobbed, “please don’t call them.”

“Joanne, they have to know. And besides maybe they can trace him this way or something,” Roy said hoping that his voice conveyed more hope than he thought.

“I don’t want them to know. I don’t want anyone to know.” She was crying again and there wasn’t much he could do or say to stop her tears this time but her tears soon turned to anger. “This is our baby, Roy. Not his. How dare he do this to us?” She grabbed the vase out of the trashcan and threw it against the kitchen door. The vase, as did the glass in the door, shattered into a million pieces. God that felt good, she thought as she looked around for something else to hurl. She grabbed the plates that were still drying on the counter and picked them up one at a time and smashed them on the floor.

Roy witnessed his wife’s astonishing change in behavior and although he couldn’t fault her, he did stop her before she broke every dish they had. He grabbed her around the waist while she threw her last dish and then he reached up held her arms. The pent up anger that she had just released gave way to the tears again.

Roy led her from the kitchen, which was a complete mess by that time, and took her into the living room. He sat her down on the sofa while he made his call to the police department. He was actually a little afraid of her. He’d never seen her behave that way before, ever, but she wasn’t the same person that she used to be either.

He sat down next to her on the sofa and placed his arm around her waist. She leaned into him defeated. And neither said another word until the police arrived. Joanne was very calm as she showed them the card and answered their questions about the time of the delivery, the delivery boy, the flower shop they came from and so on. The detective made a call to the flower shop and learned that they had been paid for in person, in cash and no, they did not remember what the man looked like. It was no surprise to Roy.

When the detectives had gathered all of their information, they left promising that they would follow up on all the leads and would check out the florist for more information. After they left, Joanne went upstairs to lay down and Roy couldn’t help but wonder when this nightmare would end. It just kept going from bad to worse. The fact that only their close friends really knew about Joanne’s pregnancy with the exception of everyone at the picnic last weekend helped to cement Roy’s fear that it was someone in the department. That bastard had been at the picnic, Roy thought. Joanne was right. She said he was there and he was.

And that’s when out of pure anger and frustration; Roy finally decided to put his fist through the wall. More than once.

*******

Part 2