Serendipity
Part 8
“Guys, gather around; I’ve got an announcement to make.” The Cap gestured for everyone to sit around the table in the kitchen. They had already begun the order of the day with assignments handed out, and already had their first run under their belt. Everyone had filed into the kitchen for some late morning coffee, and Hank thought it would be a good time to tell everyone.
Captain Stanley eyed Roy as his crew took seats around the table; Roy gave no indication that he knew what he was going to say. “Gentlemen, I have something to tell you.”
“What is it, Cap?” Mike asked, sensing Hank’s hesitation. The Captain seemed a little disquieted.
“Guys, I wanted to let you know that Gage stopped by my house yesterday. We had a long talk, and well, I’m sure some of you will be surprised,” he eyed Roy, “but he’s decided to, ah…retire…from the department.”
The next thing that was heard was a loud outburst of surprise from all the guys, and Hank found himself on the receiving end of a barrage of questions.
“What?”
“Why?”
“I thought he was coming back in a couple of weeks?”
“What did he say, Cap?”
Hank held up his hand, noticing the utter shock on Roy’s face. He groaned inwardly. Gage didn’t tell him. After everyone quieted down, he explained John’s decision using the reasons he had given him yesterday. When he was through, the whole crew looked shell-shocked. It was a blow; despite the fact that there was constant teasing around the station, especially where Gage was concerned, they were a very close-knit crew, and to have one of them quit and ‘break up’ the brotherhood they had shared all these years was upsetting. Hank did his best to defend Johnny, out of respect for his decision, even if he didn’t agree with it. When he was done with his announcement, the others gloomily left the table to do their assignments – except Roy and Chet.
Roy stared off into space, fingering the handle of his coffee cup, while Chet paced the room, going on about what a mistake he thought it was for Johnny to quit, and how it was probably his girlfriend’s fault, that she had coerced him into it.
Through Kelly’s tirade, Hank sat back down beside Roy at the table. “He didn’t talk to you about this?”
A mixture of feelings was swirling through Roy, mostly anger and confusion, but also hurt and disappointment. “Nope. Not a word. Just a few days ago he was saying he’d be back in a few weeks.”
“Hmm. That’s strange. Well, I guess something made him change his mind.”
“Yeah, Heather,” Chet piped in, “He does everything she tells him. He’s like her little wind-up doll.”
“Kelly…” Cap’s voice said he was about to lose patience if Chet didn’t shut up.
Chet saw the look on his Captain’s face, and after mumbling an apology, left the room.
Hank turned to Roy. “I told him yesterday to go discuss it with you, and he said he was going to stop by your house. I guess he never showed up, eh?”
Roy looked up at Hank. “No,” he answered quietly. Roy spun the ashtray on the table around a few times, then said. “What’s the real reason why he quit, Cap? Did he tell you?”
Hank sighed, and leaning back in his chair, began absently examining his fingernails. “Roy, all I know is what I told you. I got the impression that this last injury was the straw that broke the camel’s back. He’s tired of getting hurt, and after rethinking things, he’s decided he doesn’t want to take any more chances with his life. You’ve got to admit, he’s had way more than his share. Frankly, I’ve gotta say that, if I were in his shoes, I might be making the same decision. It’s just that…”
Roy looked up. “What, Cap?”
“Well,” his brow furrowed, “it just seemed like his heart wasn’t in his explanation, you know? Like, he was trying to convince himself this was the right thing to do more than he was trying to convince me. I’m just not entirely convinced that he believes he made the right decision.” Captain Stanley leaned toward Roy. “I’ve worked with you guys quite a while now, and I like to think that I know my men pretty well. I thought I knew Gage, and it just seemed to me….well, he seemed too hesitant. You know how Gage is when he’s sure of something; we’ve all seen it on the job, and in his personal life; well, I just didn’t see that sureness yesterday when I talked to him.”
Roy pushed the ashtray away. “Chet may be right, Cap. Heather wanted him to quit. That’s probably why he did it, or at least some of the reason.”
“You think she talked him into it?”
Roy sighed. “Probably. It upset her when he was shot; she thought his job was too dangerous. I guess it didn’t help much when we were all carrying on about his accidents at the spaghetti dinner. I don’t think she knew about all the other times he’d been hurt, Cap. That probably upset her more. But there’s something else; I’m not sure that Heather liked the ‘image’ Johnny portrayed.”
“Image?”
“Yeah. I think she looked down at Johnny’s career as blue collar; you know, not good enough, not prestigious enough.”
“That’s ridiculous.”
“Yeah, I know. But I really believe that’s her perception.” Roy began tearing at a napkin on the table. “He’s changed since he met her, Cap. I think he’s tryin’ to be the kind of guy that Heather wants, but it’s just not him. I just wish he could see it, before it’s too late.”
Hank frowned. “I’m not sure I see what you mean. Around here, he seems like the same guy he’s always been.”
“That’s just it, Cap. Around here, he is. But as soon as they’re together, he acts differently. I don’t know how to explain it. I just hope….I don’t know….I can’t believe he didn’t even tell me. I guess I thought…our friendship was a little more important to him than that.”
“Is it possible he could have stopped by and missed you? Were you home all day yesterday?”
“Yeah, we were home all day; as a matter of fact, Wesley…” Roy stopped abruptly, thinking, “…Wes was there all day yesterday. He stopped by in the morning….” I thought he was never gonna leave…then Joanne invited him to dinner! If Johnny drove by and saw he was there; he wouldn’t have wanted to talk to me while Adams was there… “Cap, I’m gonna go call him.” Roy stood up. “Do you suppose….could I….”
“Use my office, Roy,” Cap said, patting his senior paramedic on the shoulder. “Let me know if you can talk any sense into him.” He leaned in closer to Roy. “Just between you and me, I’m not going to turn in his resignation for a couple of weeks, at least until the time that Dr. Early would have cleared him for duty – just in case.”
Roy smiled wanly. “Thanks, Cap.” He started toward the door.
After leaving the day room, Chet had gone outside to think. He stood leaning against the brick wall, watching the freeway traffic whiz by. It surprised him to realize how angry he was feeling, and worse, how depressed he was at the thought of Gage not returning. It made him mad to think of how Heather had probably coerced John into quitting; it was no secret how Johnny felt about being a firefighter; Chet knew how much Johnny loved his career. In that respect, they both had something in common. Being a fireman was the only thing Chet had ever wanted to be in his life. He couldn’t imagine giving that up, even for a woman.
Another thing he didn’t want to admit was that he was going to miss John. Chet was going to miss the daily bantering; it was one of the things he looked forward to at work every day, especially whenever he had a chance to put the Phantom into action and pull one over on ole Johnny boy. He smiled to himself, remembering all the times he’d gotten Gage with water bombs, flour bombs, rubber snakes, and countless other things. And though he didn’t like to admit it, Gage had gotten him back good a few times too many. Despite their constant quarrelling and trick-playing, they had established a close friendship. They fought like brothers, but there was always that underlying unspoken love that brothers had. They all had it; this crew, they were a team. And now it was a team that was going to be broken up. Chet sighed as he thought of Johnny’s likely replacement, Wesley Adams. He didn’t like the man; for one thing, he was humorless to play jokes on. And for another, well, he just didn’t like him. Chet still blamed Wesley for the incident on the day of Johnny’s release from Rampart, when Wesley had told Johnny how ‘sick’ Jennifer was. Then Johnny had felt too guilty to ask Roy to drive him home, and had taken a cab instead. Chet still felt that Adams had done it on purpose for some reason, and it bothered him. There was just something creepy about the guy, and it made Chet uncomfortable.
Deciding to go in for a cup of coffee, Chet emerged through the back door into the engine bay. He saw Wesley standing still outside the day room entrance, his attention obviously on a conversation going on inside. Chet watched him a moment, and his irritation grew. An idea possessed him that he couldn’t resist. Wesley didn’t hear Chet walking toward him.
When he got right behind him, Chet smiled evilly, then let loose a loud “yah!”, while simultaneously poking Wesley in the back. The man nearly jumped out of his skin, and turned angrily toward Chet.
“It’s not polite to eavesdrop, ya know.”
Wesley was incensed. “Kelly, you’re an asshole!” he shouted, forgetting that he was in the doorway.
Roy and Hank Stanley were on their way out the door, and less than three feet away; Captain Stanley’s brows were raised in ire as he looked at the two of them. He was a bit surprised at the malicious tone of Adam’s voice. “Is there some problem, gentlemen?”
Chet looked innocently at his captain, and folded his arms as he answered. “No problem at all, Cap, at least not with me.”
Hank looked at them both; Chet looked like the cat that ate the canary, and Wesley’s face was red with anger. Do I really want to know? “Guys, why don’t you go…scrub some hoses or something.” It wasn’t a question.
Adam’s stalked off, still angry, and Chet wandered away, a slow grin forming on his face. Gage may be leaving, but Wesley Adams might just prove to be a better pigeon. He decided he was going to make sure to go out of his way to torture the man; his growing dislike for Wesley was just made stronger by the knowledge that Gage wasn’t coming back. And for some unexplainable reason, Chet felt like that was Wesley’s fault.
Adam’s mind was racing, and he was angry. Chet had made a fool of him, catching him as he’d been listening to Roy and Captain Stanley’s conversation. But what was worse was what he’d overheard. He’d had the hardest time not showing how ecstatic he was when they all learned of Gage’s resignation, and now here was Captain Stanley telling Roy that he was going keep the resignation papers from headquarters in the hopes that maybe Roy could talk Gage into coming back to work! Well, that plan was going to backfire, that is, if he had anything to do with it. He began forming a plan right then; one way or another, Headquarters was going to know about Gage’s resignation, and he was going to apply to fill the opening – permanently.
Johnny picked up the phone on the third ring “Hello?”
Roy couldn’t help it; he just blurted out the first thing that came to his mind. “The Cap just told everyone you resigned.”
There was a long pause. “Do you think you could say hello first?”
“Hello.” Another long pause. Roy’s voice was softer now. “Why didn’t you come talk to me about this before you decided?”
Roy heard a deep sigh. Johnny felt guilty now that he hadn’t talked to Roy first, but he couldn’t very well tell him that he tried to stop by three times, and didn’t want to talk with him in front of Wesley. He figured that would sound kind of juvenile to Roy. And he certainly couldn’t tell him what Heather had heard in the restroom. Even if he did, Roy would certainly deny saying any of it. But he also felt a little defensive. After finding out how Roy really felt, what right did he have to act like Johnny had an obligation to tell him? “I guess…I’d made up my mind, and I didn’t want you to try to talk me out of it.” His voice sounded a little more defensive than he’d intended.
Roy held off answering a moment, trying to think of the best way to respond to it. You’re damn right I would have tried to talk you out of it, because you’re making a mistake. This isn’t what you want, it’s what Heather wants. He couldn’t say his real thoughts though, or Johnny would just get more defensive. “Johnny, if I knew this is what you really want, I wouldn’t have tried to talk you out of it. I just wish…you would have talked it over with me first. Maybe I could have…I don’t know….offered you a little insight.”
I got all the insight I need, Pally. Yeah, you’re right; you wouldn’t have tried to talk me out of it, because you don’t want me back.
Roy went on, “You know, we’ve been partners a long time. The least you could have done was to call me. You’re leaving affects me too; it would have been nice to know about it before Cap dropped the bomb on all of us.”
God, he sounds like Heather. But I guess he’s right. “I’m sorry, Roy. You’re right; I should have told you.”
Then, why the hell didn’t you talk to me?! Roy heard the reticence in Johnny’s voice, and knew he’d said the wrong thing. It had sounded selfish and accusatory. He knew that the decision must have been agonizing for Johnny to make, and regretted his scolding remarks. It was just so damn frustrating! He forced a more congenial tone to his voice. “Look, why don’t you do what the Cap suggested, and think about it a little while longer? You’ve got time; you don’t have to make a final decision until Early clears you. He could hold your resignation letter for a couple of weeks. We could get together and talk about it…”
Boy, Roy sure sounded convincing. He sure sounded like he didn’t want him to quit. Now Johnny wished he had talked with Roy yesterday. Maybe the outcome of his decision would have been different. God, it was all just so damn confusing! Now Roy was causing him to second guess his decision. Johnny plopped down in the chair next to the telephone and rubbed at his forehead. I’ve made my decision; I can’t go back on it now. I’d look like a fool. Besides, if I go back, I’ll be riskin’ my life again, and things would be over with Heather. He thought once again of the conversation Heather had overheard, and his resolve to stick with his decision hardened.
“Look, Roy; I appreciate what you’re trying to do,” I really do. You’re tryin’ to sound sincere that you want me back, so I’ll feel better. But it’s not working. It’s making me feel worse. “But I’ve given it a lot of thought, and I think this is the best thing for me to do.”
Roy slumped in the captain’s chair, resting his forehead on the back of his hand. He decided then and there that he wasn’t going to try to argue it out with Johnny on the phone any longer; it wouldn’t work. He would get together with Johnny later in person, and maybe then they could have a talk. He had a little time; Cap wasn’t going to turn in Johnny’s letter of resignation for almost two weeks. Maybe in that time, he could convince his partner to stay on. He decided for now, to retreat. “Well, if this is what you really want, then, I don’t want to stand in your way.” I’m gonna miss you, Junior. I’m gonna miss us being a team. It’s not gonna be the same without you. He longed to say those words, felt them boiling inside him, ready to explode from his mouth, but held back, feeling the strain between them, uncertain over how his sentiments would be taken.
“Yeah, this is what I really want to do.”
“Well, then – ”
Johnny heard the tones in the background, and his heart filled with an ache.
“Uh, I gotta go,” Roy said quickly.
“Okay, talk to you soon.”
“Bye.”
John heard the phone click. He stared at it in his hand for a long while before he finally set the handset back into its cradle.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
“I’d like to get away for a few days,” she heard him say.
“That sounds like a wonderful idea.” She hoped he would get the hint that she wanted to go too.
“I’m….packin’ up my camping gear. If you’d….like to come with me…” He didn’t dare make his voice sound too hopeful.
Hers sounded disappointed. “Oh, honey, I’d really love to get away with you, but I can’t. I’ve got appointments the next few days.”
He’d told himself he wasn’t going to be disappointed, knowing she would turn him down, but still, he was. He tried to keep his voice upbeat. “That’s okay. I’m used to camping by myself. I enjoy it.”
“How long will you be gone?”
“I don’t know. Four or five days maybe.”
“Oh,” she said quietly. “That long, huh?”
“That’s not that long,” he commented. Not when you’ve got the rest of your life to do nothing.
She was silent for a moment, then cheerfully said, “Well, be careful, and don’t hike anywhere that you might fall.”
His back to her, he’d rolled his eyes, not saying anything.
“Call me when you get back, okay?”
“I will.”
She hesitated then, a nervous thought crossing her mind that she should just give in and tell him she wanted to go with him. After all, she really didn’t have any appointments to go to. But then, she said nothing. “Well, have a good time.”
“Okay. Bye.”
A week had gone by since John’s telephone conversation with Roy, and he and Heather had barely seen each other. Ever since he’d told her that he finally made the decision to quit and turned in his resignation, things were even more strained between them. He had expected his news would make her happy, but instead of seeming pleased, she barely reacted. Even Heather herself couldn’t explain why she felt so uneasy about his decision, but something about it caused her to feel a great remorse. It didn’t make sense. This was what she had wanted all along, and now that he’d done it, she didn’t feel happy. Her reticent response baffled and frustrated Johnny, causing him to wonder further if he’d done the right thing.
The one time they had gotten together that week, they had argued; first, about where they were going to eat dinner, then about what he was going to wear. He had picked her up wearing blue jeans, wanting to go eat Mexican food. Johnny missed Marco’s stationhouse cooking, and had his taste buds all set for a little Mexican dive he and the guys used to go to. Heather had other ideas that evening, and was dressed for a nicer place. They had argued, and finally Johnny had given in, going to the restaurant of her choice. She’d made him go back home and change into nicer clothes, fussing over his hair before they went into the restaurant. The final straw had been when he’d been talking to her about something benign during dinner, and she’d commented, “John, don’t talk with your mouth full.”
He had dropped his roll onto his plate, chewed up his bite angrily, then said, in a low voice, “Quit talking to me like I’m your child.”
The rest of the evening had been strained, and they’d barely spoken to one another before he dropped her off at home for the night.
He had seen Roy once; the light-haired paramedic had invited him over for breakfast one morning after shift, hoping to casually bring up the conversation of Johnny’s ‘retirement’, in the hopes of changing his mind. He was really missing Johnny now; Adam’s continual dependence on him was beginning to wear thin. Roy was almost desperate to come up with a way to get Johnny to change his mind about quitting. The two of them had just started a friendly conversation about what Johnny was going to do with his free time now that he wouldn’t be working, when Wesley showed up at the DeSoto house, reminding Roy that he’d promised to help him do some painting. Roy had told him in a nice way that he hadn’t expected Wesley to show up that particular day, but Wesley persisted that since he was there, he might as well get started. He told Roy he would ‘just get started’, and that the two of them should just go ahead and enjoy their breakfast. ‘Don’t mind me,’ he said. He’d shown up in his painting clothes with rollers and tools in hand. Roy felt so guilty that the man was so eager to help, that he couldn’t find it in himself to ask him to leave, feeling it would be rude.
Irritated and disappointed, Johnny gave him an easy out. He finished his breakfast, then made an excuse to leave. They never got the chance to discuss why Johnny had resigned, and Roy never got the chance to talk him out of it. Roy cursed Wesley the rest of the day, and was short with him. That made him feel guiltier, especially when Wesley seemed to be going out of his way to be cordial and friendly.
For his part, Adams was silently gloating, congratulating himself for breaking up their little get together that morning. His adeptness at eavesdropping had proven useful; he’d heard the telephone conversation at work the previous day in which Roy had invited Johnny over.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Camping was wonderfully therapeutic. It was also insightful. Johnny spent the days in quiet, doing the things he loved, things he hadn’t done in months. Keeping in mind that he was still recovering somewhat, he took familiar trails that weren’t too difficult, but enjoyable just the same. Winter rains had brought waterfalls, and the landscape was lush with beauty. He climbed and hiked himself into exhaustion, but it was a good exhaustion, allowing him to sleep soundly at night. Twice it was warm enough that he slept outside under the stars, snuggled in his sleeping bag by the fire, listening to the soothing music of the crickets and night noises. Why Heather, or anyone for that matter, wouldn’t enjoy the sereneness of his surroundings was beyond him.
He’d dusted off his camera, and was pleased at the shots that offered themselves to him. He was able to catch a mother rabbit and her babies on film early one morning, and the lighting in the evenings was ideal for some awesome landscapes and sunset shots. He had fun setting up his camera and doing some time exposures, some quite long, knowing that the long term effect of the dim light burning into the film would cause interesting visuals and color shifts. When it got darker, he stopped the frame advance, and, using the timer, exposed himself with a flash several times in the same frame, laughing to himself at how it would look when developed. He’d done it before, and had a good time doing silly poses. It was very entertaining. It would have been fun to have someone to share it with, but he still felt content just being by himself.
He never had minded being alone too much. It was something he’d grown used to since he was a young teen, and it had allowed him to grow comfortable with himself. Even though he could be a very social person, and enjoyed spending time with close friends, or now, Heather, he’d grown used to depending on himself more than anyone else, not only for companionship, but for every obstacle or hardship he’d encountered in life. Having been forced to deal with and comfort himself in times of sadness or trouble had allowed a strong independence to mature his personality. In a way, subconsciously, Johnny was afraid to develop too strong of an attachment to anyone, for fear of losing his own dependence on himself. Relying on someone else for support and then losing them was something he didn’t want to experience again. It had happened after his parents’ death, and then his grandfather had died after that, and he had been left alone to fend for himself.
His grandfather had taught him to appreciate nature, and he had slept under the stars many times with him growing up. Now every time he camped and got away from the noise of the city brought back fond memories of times with his grandfather, and he felt not only closer to him, but to his parents and brother. Somehow out here, he could talk to them, and really felt they could hear him.
Being alone out in the wilderness allowed him to clear his mind, and also gave him a chance to do a little self-analysis. He thought a lot about his friendship with Roy, and how it had changed ever since he’d won that money. As lucky as he’d thought he was to win it, it seemed to have come between him and his best friend, despite his earnest intentions not to let it. It saddened him to think that Roy could feel uncomfortable around him because of it, and now he had found someone else whom he considered his best friend and partner. Johnny refused to admit to himself how much that really broke his heart, even going as far as admonishing himself for ever letting himself get that close to someone. He’d let his emotions over a friendship rule over a very important decision in his life, the decision to end his career, and now he was feeling regret. He found comfort in the fact that maybe he’d be able to rectify the situation. He felt he and Roy could still be friends, and maybe even work together, but the level of that friendship would never be the same as it once was. Refusing to allow it to depress himself any longer, he chalked it up to being just another changing path in the journey of his life. Experience had taught him that all good things must end, and this was one of them. He let go of his anger, deciding it was useless to spend time and energy worrying about what someone thought of him. It was a hard thing to do, because he had a lot of respect for Roy’s opinions, but he was who he was, and as long as he felt he was being the best person he could be, that’s all he could ask of himself. Somehow being out in the wide wilderness allowed him to see a much bigger picture.
The serenity of his surroundings also allowed Johnny time to reflect more on his relationship with Heather. As much as he thought he loved her, and as much as he knew it would hurt to be without her, he couldn’t deny the fact to himself that long term, they could never be happy together. They were just too different. It was much more complicated than that, but he’d seen first hand what a good, stable marriage was about; Roy and Joanne had been good examples, and so had his parents, and he knew that sex wasn’t the only thing that counted in a relationship. That was just the icing on a very sweet cake. If he was honest with himself and looked into the future, he could see that a marriage between himself and Heather would probably end in divorce. Oh, there would probably be children before that; they both wanted them, and Johnny didn’t want his children to have to go through the emotional trauma of having their parents split. He couldn’t have imagined it happening between his own parents, and even though they died, he thought it would have been almost as bad. At least, to a child, it would have. At one time not so long ago, he would have been too immature to recognize all this. Now he was older and wiser, and he couldn’t deny the writing on the wall. But the most difficult thing to accept about the whole thing was the realization that Heather didn’t really love him. He’d finally figured that out, and now that he had, he knew what he had to do.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Everyone could tell that Captain Stanley was in a vile mood that morning during roll call. Even Chet was careful not to allow any slip-ups, knowing with the Cap in this mood, he’d probably be cleaning the latrine with a toothbrush for the next three years. The others tried not to stare wide-eyed as Hank ordered Wesley Adams into his office after he was done handing out assignments.
Roy watched as the man followed the captain into his office and saw the door close.
“Man,” Chet said with a whistle, “what did he do?”
“Beats me,” Marco answered. “Guess we’ll find out soon enough.”
Roy watched quietly, not expressing his opinion, as he checked the drug box.
Chet moved into closer range of the office in an effort to hear what was going on, but Marco admonished him to stay away. “The Cap’ll have your butt if he finds you out here listening in, amigo.”
Thinking better of it, he decided to get to his chore of hanging hose, and hope that Roy would fill him in later.
Hank stood behind his desk, trying his best not to glare at Adams. It was difficult. The Chief had reamed his butt two days ago when he found Gage’s week old notice on his desk. The Chief had asked Hank to stop by on his day off to question him about it, and when he’d found out that Hank had taken it upon himself to hold on to Johnny’s resignation to give John more time to decide, he was reprimanded. Stanley could have said that Johnny requested he delay it, but he didn’t like to lie. It always came back to bite you in the butt when you did; they could have easily checked with Johnny about it. The Chief had taken the resignation with him, and said that he would process it, so that they could get Gage’s position filled permanently as soon as possible. When Hank found out that it was Wesley who had informed headquarters of Gage’s resignation, in an effort to fill his spot, he was incensed.
“Sit down, Adams.” Hank decided to sit down himself, in an effort to calm himself. He folded his hands together on his desk and stared at the man in front of him.
Wes sat down nervously, trying not to show the defiance he was feeling. He had a pretty good idea of why he was here.
“I have two things to talk to you about. First, I understand you were at headquarters the other day.”
“Yes, sir.”
“You applied for a permanent position here at 51’s.”
“Yes, sir.”
“In order to fill Gage’s spot.”
“Yes.”
Hank leaned forward and looked sternly into Wes’s eyes. His words were clipped. “Adams, it wasn’t your place to notify headquarters that Gage was leaving. It was mine. You went over my head and notified headquarters about his resignation, and I had told John that I would hold onto his notice for a few more weeks, in case he changed his mind.”
Wesley stared at the Cap, knowing that it had been Hank’s decision to hold on to the resignation, not John’s. His eyes narrowed slightly at his captain, and he said nothing.
Hank was unnerved at the expression on Adam’s face, but his anger over the situation was stronger. “What you did was inappropriate, and in the future, any information submitted to headquarters about any member of this crew’s tenure will be handled by myself. Is that clear?”
Adams continued to stare at the Cap, his eyes unwavering, as if in challenge. His voice belied his expression, and he demurred, “Yes, sir. I’m sorry sir. I didn’t know that you were planning to delay submitting the resignation.”
“What you did or didn’t know is unimportant. Just remember, from now on, you are not to get involved in any personal business relating to the employment of any member of this crew. Got it?”
Wesley took a deep breath, knowing he was in hot water. It wouldn’t do him any good to be on the Cap’s bad side. He decided to try another tactic, and lowered his gaze submissively. “Yes, sir.” He looked back up in earnest. “I do apologize. It’s just that…I really like it here, sir, and I guess…I was anxious be a permanent member of such a…fine crew.”
Hank looked away, feeling slightly guilty for coming on so strong. He fought with himself, then the softer side broke through. “Well…I guess I can understand that. Just so it doesn’t happen again,” he finished more softly.
“No, sir; it won’t.” Wesley was quiet a moment longer, then asked, “You mentioned there were two things, Cap?”
Hank took a deep breath and stood up. He looked out the window a moment, then back at Adams. “Yes, it, ah, seems that headquarters had reviewed your request, and you’ve been approved to stay on here…as a permanent member of A shift. Congratulations….and welcome aboard.” He held out his hand to shake Wesley’s, but his eyes didn’t convey his attempt at being congenial. A mixture of feelings swept through him, regret, sorrow, annoyance, and an unexplainable nervousness.
Wesley shook the offered hand enthusiastically, a broad smile filling his face. He couldn’t wait to tell Roy.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Six days of camping left Johnny feeling relaxed and content. He’d done a lot of contemplating during his time alone, and had come to a few conclusions about his life, and the roads he would take. He would have a talk with Heather, for one. And secondly, he wanted to find out if Captain Stanley still had his resignation letter on his desk.
Anxious to talk to the Cap, he drove to the station before he even went home. Looking a little more like a homeless person than a millionaire, he pulled his Rover into his old spot at the station parking lot, and got out.
Chet, Marco, and Mike were in the engine bay working on the rig, Captain Stanley was in his office, and the squad was out on a run.
“Hey, look what the cat dragged in,” Chet remarked upon seeing Johnny walk in through the open garage doors.
“Hi, guys,” Johnny held up his hand in a wave.
“What is it?” Marco teased. “Looks like some kind of a dead animal.”
“Ha-ha,” Johnny responded. He did look scraggly; he hadn’t shaved in almost a week, and the early stages of a beard and mustache had grown on his face. He was in his oldest, most worn and torn jeans, and his old flannel shirt looked like it had seen better days. His hair was as unkempt as it used to be in pre-Heather days. At least he had managed to bathe during his days off, washing in the cold rivers with special soap that wouldn’t pollute the water, so he didn’t smell bad.
“Let me guess. You’ve been camping.”
“Brilliant deduction, Einstein,” Gage answered, looking around. He was simultaneously relieved and disappointed to see the squad gone. “So, you guys workin’ hard, or hardly workin’?”
“Ah, you know the Cap, Gage; he’s a real slave driver.”
“Yeah, right,” Johnny chuckled. “Hey, is he around?”
“In his office,” Chet told him.
“Good.” Johnny nodded.
“Hey, you catch any fish?” Marco asked.
“Yep. Loads. Got a cooler full iced down in the Rover. Thought I’d bring some in for the Cap,” he smiled wickedly.
“Oh, he’ll love you for that, Johnny,” Marco said.
Everyone knew how much the Cap hated fish. Johnny would have loved to bring in a big smelly and floppy one and wave it under his nose, only he decided that might not be a smart thing to do, given what he was going to talk to the Cap about.
Chet leaned up against the engine. He suddenly remembered how mad he was at Gage for resigning, and decided to let him know it. “Man, I can’t believe you quit.”
Johnny lost his smile. “Yeah….well, at the time, I thought it was the right thing to do. That’s what I want to talk to the Cap about. “So, if you’ll excuse me – ”
“Wait a minute,” Chet stopped him. “Are you saying you’re having second thoughts?”
Johnny didn’t want to reveal anything until he’d had a chance to talk with Captain Stanley, but he was almost sure it wouldn’t be a problem. Even though he’d told him he didn’t have to, Hank had said that he would hold on to his resignation. “Well, I…might be…I just want to talk to the Cap about it, and see what he has to say – ”
“Well, you’re out of luck, pal, if you want your position back.”
“Yeah, you might as well forget it, amigo,” Marco added.
Johnny stared from one to the other. “What’re you two talkin’ about?” He looked up at Mike, who was nodding.
Chet shook his head. “Adams is what I’m talkin’ about. He was granted a permanent position here a few days ago. To fill your spot.”
Johnny stared at them in disbelief. “What? How could that be….I mean,” he licked his lips, “that was kinda fast, wasn’t it? And the Cap said – ”
“Screw what the Cap said, Johnny. Adams went to headquarters, told them you’d resigned, and asked for your position. And they gave it to him.”
Johnny’s mouth dropped open and he stared at them in shock. He could see by their expressions that they weren’t joking. Suddenly his stomach felt like someone had dropped a huge lead weight into it. Embarrassed at his own stupidity, he immediately tried to pretend that it was no big deal, which they saw right through. “Oh, well,” he forced himself to smile half-heartedly, “I guess I’ll just…go say hello to the Cap then.” Slowly, he turned away from them, and walked toward the Cap’s office in a daze. They saw him go in and shut the door.
Chet looked at Marco and shook his head. “Shit,” he said disgustedly. “He wants to come back. And we’re stuck with Adams. Shit.”
About two minutes later, all three saw the door to the office open, and Johnny walked out. He didn’t even acknowledge them as he shuffled out of the engine bay toward the parking lot. Captain Stanley came out just afterward and stared after Johnny sadly as he walked away.
Chet had just started after him when the tones went off. “Shit!” he cursed again, and ran for the engine. He saw Gage turn toward them forlornly from the parking lot as the garage doors behind them slowly lowered, and the front doors opened. The engine sped away.
The phone was ringing when he walked into his house. His visit to the station house had totally deflated him, and his mind was blank as to who might be calling. Dully, he said, “Hello?”
“John?” Her voice sounded tentative. “It’s me. Where’ve you been?”
He hesitated, could she have not paid any attention to where he said he was going? “I was camping. Remember?”
“Yes, I remember, but I thought you’d be home a day and a half ago.”
“Oh; I just decided to stay another day is all.”
“Oh. Well…I was worried.”
“There was nothing to be worried about. I go camping by myself all the time.”
“Well, I couldn’t help it. You said you would call when you got home…”
“I just walked in the door.”
“Oh. Could I…come over?”
He hesitated. Right now he was tired, and a little down, but he did need to talk to her. The longer he put it off, the harder it would be. “Sure. C’mon over. I’d…like to talk to you.”
Something about his tone unsettled her. “I’ll be there in five minutes.”
He was pulling his gear out of his Rover when she pulled her Mercedes convertible into his driveway. She had gotten out of her car and was walking toward him when he set his cooler on the ground and turned to face her. Her smile faded when she got a good look at him, and she was so shocked at his appearance, she stopped short of hugging him hello. She hadn’t been able to hide the distaste in her eyes.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
“Uh, nothing,” she stammered, then said, “gosh, John, I…hardly recognized you. You look so….”
“Scraggly?” He looked for her to acknowledge his choice of word. “Dirty? Mangy? Or….do I look just plain…uncivilized?” His slightly sarcastic tone left her feeling edgy.
“Well, no, of course not….just different. I mean, I’ve never seen you with….facial hair before. A-and your clothes…”
He had to laugh then at her choice of words. “Sorry,” he chuckled. “But I just got home. I haven’t had time to clean up yet.”
“Well,” she smiled, “I can wait.”
His smile fell away, and the look in his eyes was downright sad. “Am I….that repulsive that you can’t stand to look at me the way I am?” He held out his arms. “Take a good look. This is the real me; the side of me you never see,” he voice lowered to almost a whisper, “or want to see.”
His words startled her, and for a moment, she didn’t know what to say. Usually, he was so eager to please her, and now…. “John…don’t be ridiculous; of course you don’t repulse me.” She stared waveringly at him. “Is…is something wrong?”
He sighed and looked down a moment, then back up at her. He realized he wasn’t being very nice, and that sarcasm wasn’t the way to work out this problem. As hard as it was, he finally managed, “I think we need to talk. Do you want to come inside?”
“Sure,” she said very hesitantly.
Wordlessly, he pulled his duffle bag from his car and went into the house. She followed him in, and he walked into the living room and sat down on the sofa. She stood staring at him, and his manner really began to scare her. Something bad was coming; a terrible foreboding engulfed her. Her stomach tensed.
“Why don’t you sit down,” he said gently, realizing he was upsetting her. He was upsetting himself too, and he began to get a sick feeling in his stomach. He wasn’t quite sure what he was going to say; hadn’t rehearsed anything. He just knew he needed to talk things out with her, but wasn’t hopeful for the outcome, because there really wasn’t anything she could say that would make things right between them.
He hated this. But he couldn’t go on in this relationship any longer, knowing what the future would hold, or rather, wouldn’t hold. He took a deep breath, dreading the impending conversation.
Heather tentatively sat down beside him. “You know,” he began softly, “one of the things I love about camping is that it gives me a chance to think. When I’m out there by myself, I…kinda get a chance to work things out that are bothering me.”
She nodded silently, uncertain as to where he would take the conversation.
Johnny looked directly into her eyes. “I’ve been thinking a lot about the two of us, and…and our future.”
Her eyes grew wide, and for a moment she was hopeful that he was talking about a permanent future together. “You have?”
“Yes.” He looked down at his hands, which were loosely clasped together between his knees, searching for the right words. “Heather, I don’t think you and I…” he looked back up at her, “could ever be happy married to each other.”
Her face changed from hopeful to crushed. “Why?” she whispered.
“It’s just that, we’re…we’re so different. I don’t think I’m the right man for you.”
She shook her head incredulously. “Of course you are! You’re the perfect man for me.”
He stood up and paced a few steps before turning back to her. “No, I’m not. You need a guy who’s….sophisticated, and, and worldly, and soave, and debonair. Someone who’s knowledgeable about money and investing, who knows about art and the theater and…wine and, and all the things that you like.”
“But you are that kind of man. And Daddy can teach you more about investing. You’re new at this; just give it some time.”
He sighed, rolling his eyes upward slightly. “You just don’t see it, do you?”
She stared at him, lost as to what to say. Finally, she asked, “Don’t you love me?”
He sat back down again next to her and took her hands in his. “Yes. I do. More than you know.” He looked out into the room. “How could I not love you? You’re…smart and pretty and talented and fun. You’re the most incredible lover I’ve ever had. You’re everything any man would ever want in a woman. There’s just one problem.”
“What?”
He looked down, and a bittersweet smile formed on his lips. “The problem is, you don’t love me.”
“What?” She was incredulous. “Of course I love you! I’ve told you that many times.”
“How can you love me when you don’t even know me?” His voice held exasperation.
“I don’t understand. Of course I know you.”
“No you don’t. You don’t know the real me. That’s because whenever I’m with you, I’m always pretending to be something I’m not, to please you. And I shouldn’t have done that. I guess…I wanted to be with you so badly that I tried to be the kind of guy I knew you wanted, but because of that, I’ve lost who I really am. I feel like I’m nobody now; I’m just a guy who won a lot of money….and all the things I used to be are gone. I feel like…I’ve lost my identity, and I feel like I don’t make much of a difference to anyone else’s life either.”
She knew he was referring to the fact that he’d quit his job, but it was still hard for her to comprehend exactly how much that affected him. She still felt it was for his own good, despite the fact that deep down inside, the guilt was churning. “John, don’t say that. It’s not true. You make a difference to me.”
“Only because I fit into the picture you’ve created.” He stood up again and walked over to the window and looked out. “I’m just a plain guy, Heather. Nothing special. And one of these days you’re going to realize that, and then that’s when everything is going to fall apart between us. I just don’t want that to be after we’ve gotten married and created children.”
She was silent for a long moment, desperately seeking the right words to prove him wrong, but couldn’t find them. “John…”
He turned to her again. “Can I ask you something?”
“Yes.”
“Why don’t you ever call me Johnny? That’s what all my friends call me. I told you that when we first met.”
That comment caught her off guard. She’d never even considered it. Stammering, she answered, “I…I don’t know. I guess I just like your given name. ‘John’, I mean, it sounds more….” Her voice trailed off, realizing how it would sound if she finished her sentence.
“More what? Dignified? Respectable? Rich? Important? What? ‘Johnny’ just doesn’t sound quite stately enough for you, does it?”
“No…that’s not true.”
“Would you have even considered going out with me if I hadn’t been rich?”
The fact that she had to think a moment confirmed for Johnny everything he had been saying. Even though her answer was truthful, the hesitation had stolen her chances of having him believe her. “Yes. I would have.”
He shook his head. “It’s all about image Heather. And I don’t fit yours.” He pointed to his own chest. “Hell, you don’t want me. You want a..a..a Ken doll. A perfect little gentleman who always says and does the right thing. Whenever I show you my true personality, you shut it down, push it away.”
She looked down into her lap miserably, knowing he was speaking the truth.
“Heather,” his tone softened measurably, and he felt sick inside at how he knew he was making her feel. “If only you could love me for who I am, instead of….who you want me to be. But I don’t think that’s possible.”
“I do. I swear I do,” she said desperately, and now her eyes were filled with tears.
He felt like a total shit now. Gently, he sat down beside her and pulled her into his arms. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I don’t want either of us to be hurt. But you have to understand, I’m trying to save that from happening in the future, and believe me, the longer we go on together, the harder it will be.” His own heart was breaking, knowing that this was probably the last time he would hold her.
Heather was crushed. But she was also proud. And she wasn’t going to beg or argue with him. It was obvious he’d made up his mind, and she would step out gracefully. Maybe after he’d had time to think about it, maybe after they had parted for a while, he’d realize, he’d know what a mistake he was making, and he would come back to her. And if he didn’t….well, she didn’t want to even consider that right now. She wasn’t going to give up hope, even though right now it sounded hopeless. There had to be some way to convince him, and she swore to herself she would come up with a way to make it happen. Right now, though, she had to get out of there before she lost it completely. She didn’t want him to see her break down. No, she would do that in private. Determined to keep not only a stiff upper lip, but also her dignity, she pulled away from him.
He watched as she stood up rigidly, then reached for her purse. She swiped at her eyes with the back of her fingers, then took a deep breath, and slowly headed for the door. Johnny was partially relieved that she wasn’t going to break down and cry and beg him to stay with her, but at the same time he was also devastated that she didn’t. Stunned that she was actually going to leave, for good, he stood up and followed her woodenly. A little voice in the back of him mind screamed at him to reach out and grab her and pull her back, and tell her that it was all a big mistake, and that he hadn’t really meant anything he’d just said, but his breaking heart stopped him from doing it. Instead he slowly padded toward the door behind her, and when she got there, he watched her turn the knob and pull the door open.
She turned to look at him before she left, and there was a deep sadness in her eyes, a sadness that he had caused that he’d never seen there before. He opened his mouth to say something, but no words came out, and then she turned away, but not before gently touching his cheek once. Then she was gone, and her car was backing down his driveway. He closed the door and hung his head.
A little while later, he forced himself to go outside and get the rest of his things from his car to unpack, in an effort to take his mind off the fact that he was miserable. After that, he forced himself to take a shower and clean up, hoping that would take away some of the tension he was feeling. He had a deep ache in his heart, and he stared unhappily at himself in the mirror as he shaved away the remnants of his camping trip. He didn’t blame Heather for her reaction to him when she’d first seen him; he really didn’t look too good with the scraggly ‘facial hair’, as she’d called it. It was funny; he’d gotten so used to seeing himself so perfectly attired and manicured over the last several months, that it startled him to see himself otherwise. He hadn’t looked in a mirror for almost a week.
As the day wore on, he realized how bad it hurt this time, and the sudden loneliness burned into him. He wanted to call Roy to talk, but couldn’t bring himself to do it, considering all that had transpired. He didn’t think he could bear hearing Roy say ‘I told you so’, or even if he didn’t say it, he’d know Roy was thinking it.
Pacing the house, he almost felt emotionally paralyzed, and by early evening, decided he would drink himself into oblivion. Maybe tomorrow the pain would be easier to deal with. Or maybe he’d be so hung over that that would overshadow the loss he was feeling. He tried to liken the breakup to surgery, something he could relate to. You always felt awful right after surgery, and the day after, but then a few days later it usually became more bearable. He’d had enough breakups to know, but this one was going to be rough. The problem was, he had nothing to take his mind off it.
At seven o’clock, he wandered out to the patio holding a bottle of beer in each hand. Sinking down into one of the poolside chaises, he cracked open the first one and guzzled it down. He stared out over the calm, glassy water, hoping the sereneness of it would rub off on him. Five minutes later, he opened the second beer, easily gulping down most of it, then stopped, waiting to see if it had any numbing effect. Balancing the bottle on his bent knee, he stared at the label, thinking.
He sighed. Well, Gage, you’re battin’ a thousand today. Lost your job and broke up with your girlfriend in the same day. Way to go. No…you didn’t lose your job, you quit, you moron. Well, you have no one to blame but yourself. You’ve really screwed things up. He looked around at his surroundings, taking in the magnificent house he lived in, the landscaping, the pool. Snorting, he realized it was all for nothing without meaning in his life. All that money hadn’t brought happiness; all it had done was screw things up for him. If he hadn’t won the money, he wouldn’t have quit his job, he wouldn’t have a house he didn’t want, he wouldn’t have alienated his friends, he wouldn’t have met Heather, and he wouldn’t be feeling like shit right now.
All this money, and what have I got to show for it? Nothing. Well, maybe there’s one thing. At least my aunt is in a better place. At least she’s away from that other place where they were practically abusing her. Except now that Meredith says they’re making changes, that it’s getting better. Maybe I should have left her there. She sure doesn’t seem very happy in the new place. I took her away from her friends, and now she’s so withdrawn whenever I see her. I guess the money screwed up her life too. God, what else can I mess up? What else can happen?
He leaned forward, ready to get up for another beer. Oddly, he noticed that the water in the pool was moving. Thinking his eyes were playing tricks on him, he squinted them, staring into the turquoise water as it started vibrating, the reflections in it suddenly blurry from the movement. He blinked, then glanced down at the nearly empty bottle of beer in his hand. Man. Two beers and I’m seein’ things? Johnny looked back up toward the pool. The water was still quivering. A moment later, he began to feel a vibration, adding to the effect of the water. Ah, stereo, he mused, realizing it was just a little tremor.
His amusement faded when he felt the vibrations grow stronger. A crashing noise caused him to jump, and he whipped his head around, shocked to see a part of the overhang on the back of his house break off and fall to the brick patio. The ground then began to shake violently underneath him, and he looked around, wide-eyed. A pang of fear and disbelief swept through him as he saw cracks opening up in the ground like hungry mouths beneath his feet and all around him. Water began spurting up from the concrete like geysers as the foundation of the pool broke apart, and he staggered backwards in shock. Johnny watched in horror as the walls of his garage began to collapse and the heavy structure crashed inward on itself, knowing that his shiny red Corvette had just been crushed inside. Then an even greater rumble shook the ground, and the air was filled with the loud roar of destruction, surrounding him, as if someone had set off an explosion. A loud boom emanated from a house several doors down, causing him to jump. He stared in shocked incomprehension as his house creaked ominously and began to sag, the glass windows shattering one at a time, almost like balloons bursting, and clouds of dust and pieces of stone, wood, and plaster spewed everywhere.