A Shopping We Will
(or Won't) Go

By Nancy M.

It was Station 51's A-shift’s day off. Johnny agreed to meet Roy at his house at 10:00 a.m., after a well-deserved sleep, and help him clean out his shed. They worked until 12:30 and Joanne made them lunch. They finished cleaning the shed around 2:00. Joanne left them a couple of worn towels to clean themselves up with on the deck. After they felt human, Roy went into the house and Johnny headed out to his truck to get a change of clothes.

On his way in, Johnny heard Joanne asking Roy to go to the grocery store for her while she got things ready for dinner. There were a few items on the list that she needed for dinner. Johnny was staying to eat, so he volunteered to go with Roy to the store.

"Just let me change, Roy, and I'll go with you,” Johnny called to his partner as he headed into the bathroom to put on his clean clothes.

"OK,” Roy said as he went to grab a carrot. Joanne slapped his hand away.

"That's part of dinner.” She chuckled at the startled look on Roy's face. "But if you promise to remember to get some more, you can have it.”

Roy got out the list that Joanne had prepared for him and wrote carrots down on it. He promptly swiped his intended victim.

"I saw that,” Joanne threw him a dirty look.

"I wrote it down,” Roy mumbled as he munched.

Johnny came back with his dirty clothes in hand and Joanne gave him a bag to put them into.

"Ready?” He looked at Roy, who was just finishing his carrot.

"Yup, let's go!” He gave Joanne a peck on the cheek. "We'll be back soon.”

"Just make sure you get EVERYTHING on the list,” Joanne chuckled.

Little did the guys know that she put a certain item on there that she knew would throw Roy, and probably Johnny, into a panic.

"Just let me put these in my truck.” Johnny headed for his Rover, as Roy got into the station wagon to wait.

The two paramedics reached the grocery store, only to find it very crowded, and finally found the last parking space there.

"Must be some special going on this week,” Roy ventured a guess.

"Well, between the two of us, it shouldn't take us too long to get the stuff,” Johnny volunteered.

"Let's get going,” Roy stated, as he found a shopping cart, and they headed into the store.

"Give me a few things to get and I'll meet you in one of the aisles,” Johnny offered.

"OK. She has on here milk, butter, cheese, orange juice. Those should be enough for you to handle on one...uh, uh trip,” Roy slowly started to feel heat from his feet all the way up the top of his head.

"What's wrong, Roy?” Johnny grabbed him by the arm to steady him.

"Uh, nothing, nothing,” Roy slowly turned to face Johnny and plastered a smile on his face. "Nothing.”

"Oh come on, you practically faint in front of me and you say it's nothing? C'mon, Pally, what is it, what's on the list? It can't be that bad. This is a grocery story for God..." Roy held up the list for Johnny to see. Bolded in red was ‘a box of Kotex’. Johnny felt himself get as red as Roy had just a minute ago.

"Uh, uh, um...I'll go get the other stuff and meet you in the candy aisle.” Johnny bolted down the aisle before Roy had a chance to stop him.

Left with the list and the cart, Roy got the other items that Joanne wanted and slowly headed for the candy aisle. Johnny was already there with his items, along with a bag of caramel popcorn and licorice. In his teeth was a box of Oreos.

"I can't get that stuff. Joanne doesn't want the kids to have junk food,” Roy took the items he sent Johnny for and put them in the cart.

"Oh come on, once in a while won't hurt them. You need to have a nice cold glass of milk to dunk the Oreos. It's not like they're gonna be dunking them in soda or something. You worry too much. It'll be fine. I'll pay for them.” Johnny offered a perfect solution.

"Fine, but you're going to take the heat from Joanne when you walk in the door with them, not me,” Roy warned.

"She won't say anything, you'll see,” Johnny argued.

"Yeah, we WILL see!" Roy argued back.

With everything on the list accounted for, there was just the dreaded item left to buy.

Roy and Johnny hurriedly walked down the aisle of feminine products, quickly scanning sides for the dreaded item. They reached where it was and froze.

"Well, aren't ya gonna pick it up? It's the last thing on the list.” Johnny felt his mouth go dry as he turned to look at Roy.

"Uh, yeah, I'm, I'm gonna pick it up,” but his hand wouldn't move to get it.

"Roy, stop stalling and pick it up already.” Johnny was getting annoyed.

"Why don't YOU pick it up then?” Roy felt his face getting flushed again.

"No way. It's not for my wife and even if I was married, I wouldn't get it. She'd have to get it herself,” Johnny blurted out as he backed away from Roy.

By this time, Roy was sweating. He glanced at the list again to make sure the item didn't disappear, but there it was, staring back at him. He looked up to the shelf they were on and grabbed the box and threw it into the cart.

"OK, we're done,” he announced as he hurried down the aisle leaving Johnny behind.

The two men arrived at the check out behind one woman who was putting her groceries on the belt. Roy looked everywhere but in the cart. He was hoping the Kotex would disappear before he had to put his stuff up there. The woman turned around to put more of her groceries up and noticed the box sitting in his cart.

"What a nice husband to be getting those for his wife,” she smiled.

Stunned that anyone would notice, Roy looked like a deer caught in headlights, feeling the heat rise again. He stammered, "Uh, Yes ma'am.”

Johnny just turned away mortified.

The woman finished, paid for her groceries, and then it was Roy's turn. Johnny helped him put the groceries up, saving the Kotex for last. Neither wanted to be the one to put it up there. Johnny finally grabbed it and stuck it at the end of the belt. More customers were lining up behind the guys, and Roy and Johnny wanted to get out of there as fast as they could.

The cashier finally got to the last few items. The Kotex was the last item left. Unfortunately for Roy and Johnny, it didn't have a price sticker on it. She picked up the Kotex and called, "CHARLIE, HEY CHARLIE.”

Charlie came to the end of the aisle he was at.

"Yeah?” He questioned.

"Can you go over to aisle nine and see how much these Kotex are for me?” She asked as she held up the box for all to see.

If the floor had opened up, Roy and Johnny probably would have jumped. They turned to look at each other. Their faces felt as hot as the rest of them as they stood there in shock. Charlie came to the end of the aisle and gave the price.

After the two men paid for the groceries, they made a beeline for the station wagon. They could still hear the snickering of the other customers in the store.

They arrived at the car, threw in the bags, hopped in and drove away.

As they left the parking lot, Johnny sunk down in the seat.

"Man, Roy, that was embarrassing. The whole store just stopped and looked at us!" Johnny ranted on. "How could Joanne do that to us?"

"Us? If you hadn't come along, it would have just been me,” Roy pointed out as he opened his window further to try to cool his flushed face.

"I'm never getting married if I have to be subject to that kind of torture." Johnny wiped his brow and then wiped the sweat on his pants. "Don't invite me to go shopping with you anymore, Pally.”

"If I remember correctly, you didn't exactly say you wouldn't come along,” Roy reminded him.

"Yeah, well, next time there won't be a next time,” Johnny stated.

By the time they arrived back at the DeSoto residence, Johnny and Roy were calmed down and back to normal. Joanne saw them pull up.

*Let's see if they got everything on the list and if they came back with some things not on the list,* Joanne snickered as she saw them carrying the bags into the house.

"Kids, Daddy and Uncle Johnny are back from the store. Wash up, we'll be having dinner in about a half hour,” Joanne reminded Chris and Jennifer, who were watching television. “Please set the table for me and, Jen, you let Chris handle the silverware.”

"OK, Mommy," Jennifer agreed, as she went to wash her hands before handling the plates and napkins.

"I'll be there in a minute, Mom.” Chris settled himself on the chair Jennifer had abandoned.

"Now, Chris!” Joanne firmly stated.

"Yes, Mom,” Chris sulked. "Coming.”

Roy and Johnny entered the kitchen with the bags. Joanne checked over the list, pulling out the items Johnny bought.

"And whose idea was this?" She scowled as she pulled the Oreos out of the bag.

"Uh, um, I thought we could have the cookies for dessert,” Johnny stammered. "They go really well with milk for dunking.” He stopped as he noticed her pull the other two items out of the bag.

"And what do these go well with, huh?” She chastised him.

"Uh, well, ah..." Johnny fumbled for an answer.

"Uh huh, just as I thought. Well you can take these home with you, Mr. Gage,” she said as she put Johnny's purchases back into one bag.

"Told ya,” Roy snickered.

"Shut up, Roy,” Johnny fumed.

"Did you get EVERYTHING on the list?" Joanne purposely took everything out of the other bag while saying it.

Roy and Johnny looked at each other. Jennifer and Chris stood looking at them, thoroughly enjoying this torture of their Dad and "Uncle".

Roy looked at the kids and then Johnny and finally back Joanne. "Uh, yeah, we did.”

Joanne started to pull the box of Kotex out of the bag. Johnny grabbed it and shoved it back in the bag.

"Not in front of the kids, Joanne.” Johnny panicked as he searched Roy's face for some help.

Roy just stood there looking between his wife and his partner, enjoying the puppy dog look on Johnny's face, pleading for a little support.

Joanne finally relented and left the item in the bag. *That'll teach him for buying junk food,* Joanne chuckled to herself.

"Thanks a lot for the help, Pally," Johnny shot Roy a glare.

"You're welcome, Junior,” Roy chuckled.

Joanne finished making dinner. They all sat down to enjoy her roast beef, mashed potatoes and carrots. And since they did get the dreaded item, she had an apple and peach pie, and gave Roy and Johnny a piece of each.

"Maybe I should let you two go shopping for me all the time,” Joanne grinned.

"NO!" Roy and Johnny both shouted.

"I think that's my cue to leave. Thanks for the dinner Joanne. Pally, next time, you're on your own for shopping.”

"We'll see, Junior,” Roy grinned. "We'll see.”