Sky Ride - Part 2

Early the next morning, Kelly Brackett and Joe Early consulted in Johnny’s room. Brackett spoke first. “We’ve decided to keep Johnny sedated for a couple of days, Roy. He’s dealing with the stress of his injuries, and with the lung contusion, he won’t be able to get the rest he needs.  We think that after a couple of days of good, solid rest, he should be better able to handle his recuperation.”

“Two days? But you won’t have to put him on a vent will you?”

“That’s something I think we can avoid at this stage.” Brackett’s mouth twitched as a worried look passed over his features. “I’m afraid that if we don’t approach this aggressively now, that a vent would most certainly be in his future.  We don’t want to let this pain and stress get ahead of him.  The effects of the concussion will hopefully decrease in that time, too. The dizziness and nausea were just adding to an already stressed and weakened state.”

“Glad to hear it, Doc.” Roy patted his friend’s shoulder, already looking forward to when he would see Johnny awake and feeling better.

~~~

Roy and Gil left the treatment room where they had just brought in a victim of a fall. They grinned a moment at each other, finally allowing themselves to find the humor in the situation.

The 35-year-old man had been watching his neighbor kids riding their skateboards.  The young boys had apparently been exhibiting some impressive moves, which their victim tried to match, insisting he used to ride a skateboard all the time as a kid, and it must be just like riding a bike – something you just do not forget, right?  One bruised ego, and fractured coccyx bone later, he was here in the ER with his wife who chastised the idiocy of his decision.  This reminded Roy of the call he and Johnny went on, where Johnny decided he would try the skateboard he found on the driveway after they had completed their call.  Roy took great delight in telling Gil about it, and how Johnny had ended up in a cactus, then ultimately at Rampart for minor treatment of his own punctured rear end and bruised ego.

The two men waited in the lounge while Dwyer collected supplies, then exited, ready to go back to the station for lunch. Gil stopped Roy, abruptly placing a hand on his arm then gestured to the scene at Kelly Brackett’s office door.  A woman dabbed at her eyes with a tissue, then wiped her nose as the doctor ushered her out of his office, a kind arm wrapped around her shoulder until he delivered her into the arms of a man in the waiting area.

“Do you know who that is?” Gil asked.

Roy and Dwyer both shook their heads.

“That’s one of the ladies that was stuck in the ride at Queens Park the day Johnny got hurt.  Her brother was the one who had the heart attack.  She was really upset that day, and I couldn’t get her calmed down.” He watched as the man, obviously her husband, hugged her close and walked her out the ER doors. “Oh man, I hope that wasn’t bad news.  I thought Doctor Early said the guy was doing okay.”

The three men started down the hall, but Brackett spoke up, stopping them. “Roy, Gil, can I see you in my office please?”

Roy handed the handi-talki to Dwyer, who retreated to the lounge.  Once inside Brackett’s office, the doctor sat on the edge of his desk and waited for the senior paramedic and trainee to sit down.  The lady you just saw was Mrs. Langston.  Do you remember her?”

Roy shook his head, but Gil said, “Yes, she was one of the ladies stuck in the ride at Queens Park, when Johnny got hurt.”

Kel nodded then rubbed his leg thoughtfully. “Neither of you know this, but when they finally got the two ladies down, she was absolutely distraught over what happened.  We had to sedate her and keep her overnight.  She’s been seeing a counselor, but she’s overwhelmed by guilt.”

Roy looked puzzled. “Guilt? What for?”

“Well, normally I wouldn’t discuss her situation with anyone else, but she’s made a request, and I actually think it might help her with her recovery.  She’s asked to see Johnny.”

“But why?” Roy was growing concerned, and he was not even sure why.

“She told us what happened that day – at least her version of it.” Brackett hesitated before continuing, contemplating the reaction he would get from these two men. “She says she pushed Johnny.  At first, she said she knew she had killed him.  It took Dixie and Morton’s repeated assurances that he survived to even calm her a little bit.”

Gil and Roy both looked at each other incredulously. Now it was Gil’s turn to react. “What? She didn’t! I mean…  I don’t think she could have.”

Kel sighed. “I don’t think so either, but that’s how she sees it.  She said she was so worried over her brother, and already feeling guilty over making him go on the ride, that she grabbed Johnny’s arm.  She says she pushed him out.”

“That just doesn’t make any sense! And she wants to see Johnny?” Roy was getting angry. He didn’t think she could have pushed him, but what if she did? More importantly, how would Johnny react to seeing her?  His friend did not need the woman’s guilt to deal with when he just needed to recover.

Before Roy could protest, Kel held up his hand. “I know what you’re thinking Roy. I don’t want to upset Johnny either.  It will have to wait until he’s sufficiently recovered.  We also will need to find out how much he remembers, and when we do tell him, if he doesn’t want to see her, it won’t happen.  She will continue to see the therapist, and I’m sure she can eventually come to terms with what happened that way.”

Roy was relieved that this would all have to wait until Johnny was more recovered. He knew his best friend, and was certain that if he remembered anything about this incident at all, he would most certainly have a different take on it. Johnny was the best paramedic Roy knew and took full responsibility for the care and safety of each victim he helped.  No, this woman would not have a corner on the market with guilt, if Johnny had any say in the matter. Roy knew his friend would quickly turn the situation around, and find the blame was his somehow.

~~~

Two days passed quickly, with Roy and friends stopping in for short visits with the sleeping paramedic.  Doctor Brackett told Roy that the latest lab results were much improved and that the effects of the lung contusion were diminishing.  Johnny would not need a vent, and would be allowed to wake now on his own.  Roy was relieved but knew these past two days his friend had been blessed with no pain.  Waking meant feeling the pain of his injuries, but also quite possibly, the return of the severe dizziness that had plagued him since the accident.

Although the sedative had been stopped, his pain medication was not and Johnny continued to sleep well into the third day.  Roy returned to the hospital after taking his family out for a quick meal at his children’s favorite fast food place, then took them home and returned to the hospital.

Roy settled in next to his friend’s bed, placing his hand on Johnny’s right shoulder.  He flipped through a worn copy of ‘Wheels and Gears’ that someone had brought intended for Johnny’s use, yet his visitors seemed to use it instead to pass the time as they worried over the paramedic. It was poor entertainment, as he had already perused it several times. He did not know what Johnny got out of the magazine, except to dream of having one of the hot rods and muscle cars that filled the pages.  He thought Johnny’s Rover suited his young friend better than anything he could see amongst these pages.

Despite his boredom with the subject matter, Roy found himself reading an article, engrossed in the details of rebuilding a 1957 Chevy motor, when he heard a sharp intake of breath, then a whispered moan. 

Johnny’s right hand moved, seemingly on its own volition, up to his left ribcage where it rested for a moment before traveling over to feel his casted left arm.  His breathing came in short, uneven gasps as he tried to reconcile where the varied pains came from.  His head felt full of cobwebs as he tried to sort images that assaulted his memory.  Flashes of light, blue sky and clouds darkened to spinning pavement.  He had felt suspended in darkness, and realized that feeling of hanging was part of his memory too.  He frowned at his inability to put all the pieces together into something solid.  The piece of the puzzle that caused his stomach to knot was the face of a woman, eyes wide with shock and tears as she reached out for him, fingers grasping but not touching.  A feeling of helplessness washed over him and he let out a soft whimper as he felt the sudden sensation of falling.  His right hand flung out and was caught by something, and he was grateful for it, so sure he was about to hit the pavement. 

Roy winced as he watched his best friend climb to wakefulness.  It was difficult to see the myriad expressions move over Johnny’s face. From calm, restful sleep, to pained grimaces, and now one of undisguised fear as he seemed to relive the fall.  Roy grabbed his hand as it flew out, and felt Johnny’s surprisingly strong grip, and knew that his friend was holding on for dear life, hanging up there by his lifebelt, wrapped in rope.

After pushing the call button, Roy leaned forward to his friend’s ear. “Johnny, I’ve got you. You won’t fall.”

Roy’s voice permeated the unsorted memories, and cleared them away, giving him a path to a safer place.  Johnny relaxed his grip but held on, allowing Roy to push his hand down gently to the bed. “Roy?” 

“Yeah, it’s me. Don’t worry now. You’re at Rampart, and I’m with you.”

“She was… scared…” The one image that he could not wipe away appeared to him again and he frowned.

Roy’s eyebrows rose at that.  He could not be sure, but now that he knew about Mrs. Langston’s confession to Doctor Brackett, he thought this might be who Johnny was remembering.  But he might also be remembering a hundred other women that he had rescued.  He did not want to push Johnny’s memory, so he decided on a vague answer. “Yeah, but she’s fine now. And you’re getting better.  Just relax.”

“Mmmm.” He tried to shift himself minutely, and hissed at the sharp pain that pinned him to the bed. “Oh… damn…”

“I know, Johnny. The nurse should be here soon.  You have some broken ribs, and you had surgery on your shoulder.  You also broke your arm.  So, yeah, it hurts but breathe slow and easy, Junior.”

Johnny tried to obey and slowed his breathing the best he could.  “Unnh… hurts like hell…”

Roy patted his friend’s shoulder, silently cursing the nurse’s tardiness. “I know, Johnny.”

“Wha’ happened?”

Roy was disheartened to hear that his friend did not remember their previous discussion, but not surprised.  Johnny was fidgeting, and started to pull his right leg up in a move that told Roy his friend’s body was really hurting now.  As much as his friend tried, he could not mask the soft moans that escaped his throat.

Johnny swallowed hard, and relaxed for a moment as Roy held a cup of water and steadied the straw so he could drink.  It felt wonderful going down, and soothed the dryness for a few moments.

“Johnny, I’ll tell you what happened if you quit moving around. The nurse will be here in a minute, but until then try to relax while I talk to you, okay?”  His friend’s head sunk back into his pillow and he nodded. Roy was troubled that Johnny had not opened his eyes yet, but figured his eyes would still be sensitive to the light. “That’s better. Can you tell me if you remember anything first?”

Johnny sighed. All he had were bits and pieces that made no sense. “Just – was I up high?”

“Yeah, Partner. Plenty high.” Roy spent the next couple of minutes filling in the pieces for Johnny, taking it slowly.  He watched Johnny’s face as he listened, relieved to see his friend following him, by giving perfunctory nods at several intervals.  Before he could finish, the nurse finally entered the room, earning a stern expression from Roy, who addressed her. “He’s been awake for several minutes, and having pain.”

She gave him an apologetic look. “I’m sorry. We had a code. I have your medication right here, Mr. Gage.”  She set the tray down and began to take vitals.  Johnny did not acknowledge her, but began moving his leg up and down, as if to move away from the pain gripping his body.  She finished with vitals, and made notes in the chart.

Kelly Brackett entered the room and took the chart from the nurse. “He’s awake, Roy?”

“Yeah, Doc, and in some pain.  He’s asked what happened and I’m just filling him in.”

The doctor stepped up to the bed and bent over his patient.  “Johnny? Can you open your eyes for me?”

Johnny groaned and shook his head, refusing the request.  Roy stood and turned the lights off.

Brackett tried again. “The lights are off now, John. I need you to open your eyes.”

Johnny squinted in anticipation of a lancing pain – one he vaguely remembered. The pain did not come, and he blinked to clear his blurred vision, and frowned when it failed to clear completely.

“What’s wrong, Johnny?” Brackett waited for Johnny to get his bearings.

“Um… Everything’s fuzzy…” He reached up to rub his eyes, but Roy stopped him.

“You suffered a pretty severe concussion, Johnny, and I’m sure that’s related.  I do need to take a look at your eyes.” He said that last sentence apologetically, knowing the discomfort it would cause.

Johnny sighed and nodded. The doctor made quick work of it, but it still felt more like a sharp knife than the simple penlight that it was. His right hand moved up and brushed the doctor’s hand away then he covered his eyes and gritted his teeth.

Brackett’s mouth twitched with sympathy. He really did hate causing more distress and pain to this man.  “I’m sorry, Johnny. Your left pupil is no longer dilated, and that’s a good thing.  It’s just going to take some time for this to pass.” Brackett touched the fingers on Johnny’s casted left hand. “Move those for me.”

It took a few seconds for the request to process, but Johnny finally moved his fingers.

“How does that feel, Johnny?”

“Arm… hurts…” He swallowed hard. “Fingers feel asleep… tingly…. Leg?”

Kel was relieved to hear Johnny’s focus moved to other injuries. It meant his awareness was increasing. “Yes, Johnny, you fractured your patella, but it should heal on its own. It’s still pretty swollen.”

“Mmmmm.  Damn… shoulder broke?”  Johnny’s whole body went rigid with the sudden throbbing ache that made him want to climb from the bed, but instead, kept him paralyzed, and afraid to take a breath.

Kel reached for the syringes left by the nurse. “Johnny, time to get you feeling better.  You need to rest.”  He injected the first syringe, then stood back to wait for its effect.

As much as Johnny wanted to remain awake and talk to his friend, he felt on the verge of begging the doctor for unconsciousness. Sweat broke out on his face and his breathing grew shallow and rapid. “Oh, god…” Then he felt a warm rush in his arm, and the sensation of floating in a warm pool flowed through his body. “B-better…”

“Good, Johnny. Now get some rest.” The doctor watched until Johnny’s breathing became more regular, and the frantic beeping of the heart monitor slowed.

“Roy…? I fell?”

Roy glanced at the doctor, who nodded for him to continue. “Yeah, Johnny. You fell after Gil and I went down with the heart attack victim. You were up in the basket with the two remaining women. We don’t know how you fell. Do you remember?”

“Women? No…” Johnny could not put the parts of his fragmented memory into order, and right now, he did not remember anything about the rescue, except being up high.  Then the same face flashed in his memory and he let out a soft gasp. “Oh…” The expression on her face caused Johnny to shudder. “Sh-she… was scared…” He clenched his eyes shut as a wave of memory took over. Her arm outstretched, fingers grabbing, and only finding air, then he felt the same sensation of falling backwards into the pull of gravity.  He remembered his own fear, now so palpable and real that his hand grasped the bed rail again.  Although the medication made him groggy, he felt the fear there lingering just beyond his ability to push it away.

“Yes, she was. But she’s okay now.” Roy’s conflicting emotions stopped him from saying anything else. He picked up Johnny’s right hand and held it firmly.  Johnny’s head moved back and forth on the pillow, eyes clenched tightly shut. “You need to sleep, Johnny. Just relax.”

Johnny did not want to sleep now. A moment ago all he wanted to do was escape the pain of his injuries by slipping into drugged oblivion, but now this fear surrounded him and he was certain it would follow him into his sleep.  He shook his head and forced his eyes open, finding the blurred image of his partner. “Roy?”

“Johnny, we can talk later when you’ve rested some. I’ll be here.”

“Nooo…. Roy…. I – I was…” His voice dropped to an almost imperceptible whisper, “…scared.”

Roy leaned forward and whispered fiercely into his friend’s ear. “And you had every right to be. But you’re here now.” Roy squeezed Johnny’s hand firmly. “And it’s over.”

Kelly Brackett watched Johnny’s face contort with a combination of fear and what almost seemed like grief.  He looked at Roy. “I had hoped he could just get some sleep after the pain meds, but I think he needs to relax, and he’s fighting it.” He looked down at Johnny, leaning in to make himself heard. “Johnny, I’m going to give you some diazepam to help you relax.” Johnny shook his head, but Brackett injected the second syringe and watched the young paramedic’s tense features finally slacken.

“R-Rroy…” Johnny slurred. It took a supreme effort now to speak.

Roy leaned closer, straining to hear his friend’s soft voice. “What, Johnny?”

“Tell her… I’m sorry…” Johnny swallowed hard, then could fight the drugs no longer, and slipped into the oblivion he had wished for earlier.

“Damnit, Johnny…” Roy’s eyes stung with tears, but he blinked them away. His best friend had a way of turning blame to himself. He would never blame a victim, probably frightened out of her mind, for anything that had happened. He only remembered how scared she had been, and that had been enough for him to blanket himself with guilt.

~~~

Two days later Johnny had been moved to a regular room although he remembered none of it.  He slept through much of the time, rousing through occasional visits from friends, but always dropping off before they left. Bowls of broth and Jell-O went untouched.  It was only when Roy or Dixie bullied him that he took some obligatory bites of the green gelatin, but pushed them away after his stomach did flips when the food touched his stomach.  The NG tube had been removed when he had been transferred to this room, for which he was thankful, but nausea lingered with the severe headaches and occasional dizziness that still plagued him.  His ribs still throbbed, reminding him that any movement had its price. 

But now, all his concern centered on his left shoulder. He had become all too aware of its seriousness when Doctors Borchardt and Briggs arrived that morning, insisting that he wake.  Nausea was already keeping him company that morning, and he had resisted telling the nurse, wanting to be clear-headed now. He was so tired of existing in a groggy half-state, and he knew how the anti-nausea medication kept him from being able to think clearly or visit with his friends.

 Roy had said he would be in at noon, no doubt to force-feed him another cup of tasteless chicken broth.  But now he found himself alone with the two doctors, who helped him sit up in bed.

“Johnny, do you still need the lights off?” Brian Borchardt asked.  He had checked on Johnny daily, but the past couple of days he could only check the incision while the recovering paramedic slept.

Wishing they could keep the lights off, because the truth was that his head still throbbed constantly, but not wanting to come off as whiney, he shrugged. “No, that’s okay. I think you probably need them on anyway.”

The lights came on and Johnny tried not to flinch as the light assaulted his pupils. He squinted his eyes open.  “What’s going on?” Johnny stared at the one redheaded man he did not recognize. “Who are you?”

Doctor Briggs stepped forward. “Well I’m shocked, Mr. Gage. And I don’t mind saying just a little hurt. We’ve met!” He pushed his glasses back up to the bridge of his nose and grinned down at his patient.

“Huh? Wha-”

“I mean, when you come face to face with the artist responsible for a true work of art, one would hope the patron would be impressed.” The red haired man grinned.

Johnny squinted at the man, frowning then looked to Doctor Borchardt for a translation.

“Johnny,” Borchardt said with a grin of his own, “allow me to introduce Doctor Briggs. He performed the surgery on your shoulder. He was here after recovery and spoke to you, but you obviously don’t remember.”

“Oh,” Johnny just scowled at the man. He was not impressed. In fact he thought that surely there must still be something very wrong with his shoulder, as painful as it was. The sharp jolts were not confined to only his shoulder, but radiated through to his back.

“Judging by that look I can see I’ve not won a fan yet. Ah, art is such a fickle business.” Briggs sobered and said, “Good thing I’ve got something else to fall back on, like orthopedics. How does the shoulder and arm feel, Mr. Gage?”

Johnny concentrated hard a moment, trying to sort his feelings and isolate the pain in order to describe it. “It tingles – a lot. Like it’s asleep but the tingle doesn’t go away.”

Briggs nodded. “How about the pain?”

Johnny did his best to shrug with his good shoulder. Here stood two men and his basic instinct was to suck it up and not come off as a complainer.  If he acted as if the pain was manageable, then that also meant he might be home all the faster. “Not too bad.”

Kelly Brackett entered the room and greeted the three men. “Hey, Johnny. How are you feeling today?”

“Not too bad,” Johnny repeated. “I must really rate to have all three of you here. What’s going on?”

Mike Briggs pushed his glasses up, which had steadily slid down his nose. “I’m going to cut the wrapping off, Mr. Gage. Then we’ll do a more thorough exam.”

“Oh. Okay.” It really was not okay with him at all. He could not even think about what it was going to feel like when these three started poking and prodding on his shoulder.

Briggs grabbed some scissors from the tray the nurse had left for him. “I want you to relax your arm. Don’t move it. Just let me do the work for now.” After Johnny nodded and rested his head back on the pillow, Briggs started cutting the wrapping away, laying the strips on the nearby tray.

Soon Johnny felt cool air against his skin and gave a slight shiver. He had felt like a well-wrapped mummy these past few days, and it had been uncomfortable and hot.  The cool air felt good.

“Just relax. I’m going to start the exam now and need to check the incision.”  Briggs laid his fingers on Johnny’s arm just getting him used to being touched in what he knew would be a sensitive area.

Johnny kept his eyes closed, not quite ready to look at his shoulder. He felt Brigg’s fingers applying pressure to a benign spot then moved over the incision that covered a good part of his clavicle. This time the slight pressure applied hurt, and he inhaled sharply. Briggs continued feeling along the entire clavicle.

“Breathe, Mr. Gage.” Brigg’s hand left his shoulder.

Johnny released the breath he did not know he had been holding.  He felt slightly lightheaded, and a wave of nausea rolled through his stomach. He took some calming breaths and the feeling subsided.

“Tell me how that feels.”

“Not too bad. It’s just kind of tender, I guess.” Johnny wanted to shrug, but thought better of it.

Briggs frowned at the vague answer, and glanced at Kelly Brackett, who raised his eyebrows, giving a knowing look to the redheaded doctor.

Briggs sighed. “Mr. Gage, let’s be honest. I think it should hurt like hell.”

“I’ve broken my collarbone before.”  Johnny peered out of his squinted eyes.

 “This isn’t just a broken collarbone. You do realize that, don’t you? I did quite a bit of reconstructive work in there.”

“What do you mean, ‘reconstructive work’?” Johnny did not like the idea forming in his brain.

“Mr. Gage-”

“Just call me Johnny.”

“Johnny, you had what some of my colleagues are starting to call a ‘floating shoulder’.”

“A what? Floating -”

“It’s an accurate way to describe the injury and fracture you have. You impacted at a high speed into that tower, Johnny. It caused your clavicle to not just break, but to fracture into several sections. There was a fragment which I removed, that rested on the brachial plexus – the nerve center in your shoulder that the clavicle normally protects.” Briggs paused, giving Johnny time to absorb this news. He continued after his patient nodded his understanding. “You don’t feel very lucky right now, but you are. That fragment did not cause any damage to your nerves, but did irritate them enough to cause that tingling sensation you’re having. I’m fairly confident that it should subside after the swelling goes down and you have some therapy.”

Johnny looked at the doctor, waiting for him to continue. A knot was forming in his stomach, and he blew out his breath in a vain effort to relieve it. “Go on. There’s more, right?”

“Yes. I reconstructed the collarbone, by inserting some plates and screws. It went very well.”

Johnny raised his head off his pillow, causing another, momentarily forgotten pain to sweep through his brain. “You did what? Plates and screws? In my shoulder?”

“Yes. That was the only way to stabilize the clavicle. It would not have healed properly without that correction.”

Johnny swallowed hard as the realization hit that this was much more than just a broken collarbone. He glanced at Kelly Brackett, the familiar face he trusted, for some sort of reassurance, and saw it there in the quick nod and twitch of his mouth.  He turned his attention back to Doctor Briggs, whose glasses seemed ready to fall off the tip of his nose.

“The scapula, your shoulder blade, was also fractured from the impact.  That’s what makes your injury so unique, and qualified it as a ‘floating shoulder,’ Johnny. With both your clavicle and scapula fractured, the shoulder structure had no support and therefore kind of… ‘floated.’”

The image of all that going on inside his own shoulder brought on a wave of nausea that he swallowed down.  But he could not swallow the growing concern.

“But it’ll all heal, right? I mean, I’ll go back to work… right?”

“It’s going to take some time. You have other injuries that might slow your progress. But I’m fairly confident that you can make a full recovery from this.”

“Fairly confident? That’s the second time you’ve said that. What does that mean?” Johnny wished he had the strength to sit up in bed and yell at this doctor.

This time, instead of pushing his glasses up his nose, Mike Briggs took them off and looked at Johnny steadily. “It means that I know you have a physically demanding job. Just the circumstances of this accident prove that.  It also means that I know this will be hard. You also had tendon and ligament damage, which had to be repaired.”

“Well, you’ve done this surgery before, right? That’s why they brought you in. You’re the expert. Have your other patients recovered from this and gone back to work?”

“Johnny, I’m no expert. This injury is so rare, that I’ve only performed the surgery a handful of times. But yes, most of my patients have returned to work. But they did not have the kind of physically demanding job you have.”

“Fine.” Johnny let his head sink back into his pillow. He was feeling more nauseated, and his head started to pound. He did not feel like discussing this further.  “What now?”

Briggs replaced his glasses. “We’re going to manipulate your shoulder. I don’t want you to do anything except keep your muscles relaxed.”

Brackett stepped forward on the opposite side of the bed, and took Johnny’s pulse. “How are you doing, Johnny? Need anything before we start?”

Johnny knew the doctor meant pain medication, but he wanted to stay awake. He was tired of being groggy and sedated.  “No, I’m okay.”

Brackett took a look at Johnny, trying to make out just how much Johnny was hiding. He placed his hand on Johnny’s right shoulder, in anticipation of his patient’s reaction to what Doctor Briggs would be doing. “Okay then, just relax.” He waited for Johnny to collect himself then nodded to Briggs.

Briggs placed his left hand under Johnny’s casted arm, supporting it, while his right hand gripped above his elbow. He slowly began lifting his patient’s arm, watching for any reaction.

It was all Johnny could do to keep his arm relaxed. When the doctor began lifting, he felt muscles begin to pull along his shoulder blade. He breathed through the discomfort, but the next thing he felt was no mere discomfort. As the doctor supported his arm, his joint exploded with a combination of electrical shock that bolted from his clavicle to his fingertips, along with the feeling that a sharp knife had been shoved inside his shoulder blade. “Ah! Damnit!” Before he could stop himself, he tried to pull his arm free of the doctor’s grip, but found the man had a firm hold.

“Johnny! Stop! Hold still!” Brackett was alarmed at his patient’s reaction. Johnny arched up from the bed and let out a hoarse cry. The doctor had not known what kind of pain this particular procedure could cause, and that was one reason he had wanted to be in attendance.  He cursed himself for not bringing any medication in with him as he rang for the nurse.

The pain in Johnny’s shoulder did not abate, and the continued torture of his arm being held in that position only served to heighten his anxiety.  No longer caring what the doctors thought of him, he peppered Briggs with expletives that normally would never travel from his brain to his mouth. Feeling suddenly weak he could only moan, “Ahh… damn…no…no more…” He felt a rush of heat as sweat broke out on his brow, and he panted against the rising nausea. Spots of light sparkled in front of his closed eyes as pain from his ribs and knee throbbed in time to the hammer beating in his head.  His whole body shook and his awareness started to fade. He heard voices but ignored them, letting himself sink down into the bed weakly.

Briggs lowered Johnny’s arm as slowly as he could, resting it on the pillow. He saw Johnny give a weak grimace, but the patient was already on the brink of passing out. “I am sorry about that, Johnny.  But we needed to know how the healing was progressing.”

Johnny heard the doctor’s voice but could not make out the words.  And truthfully, he did not care. He was still dealing with the electric shocks that continued to travel from his shoulder to his fingers. He panted shallowly, desperately trying to dissuade his ribs from causing any further aggravation.  Sweat trickled down his forehead, disappearing into his already damp hair.

The nurse entered and Brackett snapped out orders for medications, which caused her to spin and scurry from the room.  Brackett placed a hand on Johnny’s shoulder, bending to speak into his ear. “Johnny, you’ll feel better soon. Take some deeper breaths.”

Johnny responded to Brackett’s voice and he tried to obey, but he no longer had any control over his body, and he shook his head, hoping the doctor would understand that he was trying, really trying. He felt a squeeze of encouragement on his shoulder and tried again to relax, but sparks still shot down his arm and through his shoulder blade. 

A wave of dizziness swept over Johnny and he felt the nausea rise so fast that he had no time to utter a plea for help before he was vomiting on the bed. He felt strong hands move him to a sitting position, supporting him.  His forehead was held by someone. Brackett, he thought vaguely, as his stomach continued to contract powerfully, releasing the meager contents of his liquid breakfast. Soft steady moans escaped with his effort to stop the relentless assault on his body. His muscles contracted in pain and he was held in its grasp for several moments until his stomach was satisfied that there was nothing more to do.  His body went limp and he gasped, grateful for the hands that supported him and lowered him back to the bed.

Johnny started to shiver and felt shame for his weakness in front of these men. “Oh… jeez… s-sorry…” He felt a straw touch his lips and resisted, not wanting anything in his stomach.

Brackett spoke softly, understanding his patient’s hesitance. “Just rinse your mouth, Johnny. You’ll feel better.” He waited until Johnny sipped, then spit into the basin held near his chin.

I’ve got your meds now. You’ll sleep the rest of the day, I think.  I’m sure that’s okay with you now?”

Johnny shivered and nodded weakly.  His right hand braced his sore ribs, and he felt a pillow placed under his hand, which he instantly pulled closer. He felt a familiar rush of heat in his arm as the medication was injected. Warmth enveloped him, and he welcomed the sensation of floating. Then the voices that had been echoing around him faded, and he left them, gratefully.

~~~

Roy approached his partner’s room, swinging a small paper sack in his hand. He had sympathized with Johnny’s reluctance to eat, and although he was on a liquid diet due to his continued nausea, Brackett had approved some ice cream, if only to try and stimulate his appetite.  He had stopped by Johnny’s favorite ice cream shop and gotten him two scoops of his favorite flavor - chocolate.  He was looking forward to his friend’s reaction when he stopped short a few yards away from Johnny’s room. Three doctors stood outside in deep discussion. Pausing only a moment, he approached anxiously, and saw them look up and acknowledge him.

“Is something wrong?” Roy asked nervously.

Brackett looked at the two doctors, then to Roy. “Johnny’s had a bit of a setback. We removed the wrapping and Doctor Briggs needed to manipulate his shoulder to make an assessment. As I was just telling them, I don’t believe Johnny was completely truthful about the level of pain he was experiencing before we started.”  Brackett gave Roy a meaningful look, knowing Roy would understand.

“Well, that’s par for the course with Johnny. What happened?”

Mike Briggs pulled the glasses off his face and rubbed his eyes, then crossed his arms. “He experienced severe pain when we moved his shoulder. Some pain is expected, and especially with this kind of fracture. Pain is much greater than patients who have isolated upper extremity fractures, not only because of the additional fracture, but also because of the resulting displacement and secondary muscle spasms. His whole shoulder structure has to readjust.”

Roy appreciated Doctor Briggs’ medical explanation, but it still did not tell him what he was most concerned about. He turned impatiently and looked at Brackett.

“Roy, his pain peaked when his shoulder was manipulated. He vomited and got a little shocky. He’s been given a heavy dose of muscle relaxant and pain medication. He’s feeling no pain right now.”

“Well, what now? Are you sure this isn’t something serious?” Roy chastised himself for not coming in earlier. He knew the doctors would be making rounds, but he had not expected this.

Brian Borchardt closed the chart he was holding. “Roy, right now we think this is just what Doctor Briggs said – his shoulder fractures have to readjust to the surgical correction as well as the tendons and ligaments.  The scapula has to heal and that’s just a very painful fracture. We’re going to be cautious, but we have to continue to move his shoulder.  Adhesions are a serious concern as well, and if we don’t keep that shoulder moving, that’s what’s going to happen. We all want Johnny to return to work, and this is how it has to go in order for that to happen.”

Roy nodded, but keenly sensed a ‘but’ hanging over the men. “What else aren’t you telling me?”

The corner of Brackett’s mouth twitched. “Roy, this isn’t something we want to get too concerned about at this stage.”

“What? Come on, Doctor Brackett. If there’s anything you’re worried about I think I should know, because Johnny’s going to be looking to me for answers as well, and you know it!” Roy was frustrated and although he instantly regretted his outburst, he could tell Brackett understood it.

Briggs replaced his glasses and nodded after Kelly Brackett gave him a resigned look, silently communicating that Roy did need to know. “There is one thing that could also be accountable for this level of pain, although I seriously do not think this is what’s happening, at this stage, anyway.” The look on Roy DeSoto’s face caused him to forge ahead. “Acute brachial plexus neuritis. There are some tests we can do to determine if this is what’s going on, but in the normal course of things, diagnosing it won’t change his plan of treatment. It does mean that his recovery could take even longer, and be plagued with more intense pain over an extended period of time. Brachial plexus neuritis is characterized by severe shoulder and upper arm pain followed by marked upper arm weakness.  If he has it, we’ve caught it early before the telltale weakness sets in. We have to keep up a strict therapy regimen, which in this case is what we were going to do anyway.”

Roy’s jaw clenched tightly, then the words tumbled from his mouth, coated with ill-concealed anger. “So what you’re saying is that if Johnny has this, it hurts like hell, but he has to deal with it and get through some tough therapy sessions if he wants to get back to work. And even then there’s no guarantee.” Roy squinted at the red-haired doctor with what he knew was unreasonable contempt. He should not be angry with this man, but right now he had to focus his feelings of anger and frustration somewhere. May as well kill the messenger.

“Yes, Roy. That’s right.” Briggs sighed and looked down.

Roy looked at the three doctors and felt helpless. But he realized then that these men were doing all they could, and each one seemed genuinely concerned about Johnny.  He flushed with embarrassment.  “I – I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to go off like that. I just wasn’t expecting this, of course. And I know Johnny’s not going to handle it very well. He’s already having a hard time with the accident itself. I apologize.”

Kelly Brackett placed a hand on Roy’s arm. “Not a problem, Roy. Johnny’s just lucky to have someone looking out for him. Now go ahead and sit with him if you’d like, but he won’t be coming around for at least eight to twelve hours. We’re going to give him some methylprednisolone to help deal with the nerve pain, and keep him on the cyclobenzaprine for the muscle pain and spasms. We’ll make sure his pain is better managed before doing this again tomorrow. I’ll take some of the blame here – I know Johnny well enough that I should have insisted on medicating him before. I know how… uh… resistant… he is to medications.”

“Doc, I know him too, and you know he’s pretty good at covering up. But I’m happy to hear that maybe tomorrow will be a little easier on him.”

Roy thanked the men again and entered Johnny’s room and looked at his unconscious friend.  His features were lax and showed no sign of the earlier distress the doctors had described. Roy saw that a shoulder immobilizer had been placed on his friend, which exposed much of his skin. A thick dressing had been placed on the long incision over his clavicle, but the bruising that covered his entire shoulder and chest area shocked the usually seasoned senior paramedic.  Purple and black bruising decorated his friend’s entire shoulder and ran down to the front of his chest.  He grimaced at the thought of how badly Johnny had been hurting, and once again wished he had been present to help him through it.  He sat down in the chair next to the bed, opened the sack and pulled out the plastic spoon and styrofoam container. Opening the lid, he spooned some out and began eating. To his unconscious friend he said, “Sorry, Partner. Maybe next time.”

~~~

Hands pulled at Johnny’s arm and a voice tinged with panic shouted at him. Fear. They both shared it.  He saw it in her wide, unblinking eyes, and he was sure she saw it in him as he pitched backwards, flinging his arms out for something tangible to hold onto.  But there was nothing except air and the soft sound of the rope sliding fast as his arms windmilled through his downward flight. His body jerked to a halt, and he desperately tried to grab the rope that spun wildly, wrapping itself around him.

Roy winced as Johnny’s body jolted then forced a moan from his throat. What a way to wake up. Roy patted Johnny’s shoulder softly. “It’s okay, partner. You’re not falling anymore. I’ve gotcha.”

Johnny did not want to rouse from sleep, yet he wanted to forget the dream and dark emotions it conjured in him. He swallowed hard, still feeling the last tendrils of fear wrapped around his throat, constricting the sore, dry tissues.  A straw touched his lips and he pulled a couple of sips with relief.

Roy watched Johnny struggle to waken. He was not surprised that it was this difficult after finding out how much medication he had received to halt the pain induced by the first-time manipulation of his shoulder.

“Mmmm…” Johnny wanted to say something but his tongue felt like it was numb, as were his eyelids. He tried to pry one open, but only succeeded in a quick glimpse of light before it shut of its own accord. Just as well. He had no desire to watch the world spin. Slowly his memory sharpened, and he recalled the doctor moving his shoulder for the first time and the resulting pain that shot down his arm.  Concentrating now, he moved the fingers of his left hand, feeling them tingle.  His shoulder ached but nothing compared to the vicious knife-like pain of earlier.  His whole body felt stiff and he longed to turn to his side.  He shifted in bed fractionally, trying to relieve some of the pressure against his shoulder, and gasped when his ribs protested.

“Shoulder hurting?”

“Hmm? Roy?” At last Johnny’s mouth seemed to be working and he cautiously opened his eyes. The room lights were off, but he could see Roy leaning forward in the chair close to the bed.  He felt the comforting pat on his right shoulder and for a moment his heart swelled with affection for his friend and the vigil he had most likely been keeping for several hours.  “Ya’ need a shave…”

Roy’s blue eyes crinkled when he smiled, unable to mask the relief he felt that his friend seemed alert now and ready to talk. “Yeah, so far two nurses have told me the same thing. But Dixie’s the one I’m really worried about. She threatened to bring a straight razor with her the next time she came up here and shave me herself.”

“Oh man… how long you been here, Roy?”

“Not that long.”

Johnny gave him a long, knowing look, but said no more. He knew he would do no less for Roy if he were in this bed.  “Time izt?”

“Almost 2:00.” Roy watched the confusion wash over Johnny’s face. As drugged as he had been, he no doubt wondered what day it was too. “It’s Tuesday. Yesterday is when the docs were here before.”

“Oh.” Johnny tried shifting again, giving a little gasp at the jolt of pain that swept through his body. He ignored Roy’s proprietary gaze. “Thought Brackett said I’d sleep for the rest of the day. What happened?”

Roy patted his shoulder reassuringly. “They decided to keep you out a bit longer. They had some tests to run.” He looked at Johnny, not sure he should bring this up yet, but decided to forge ahead. “Johnny, why didn’t you tell the docs your shoulder was hurting that much? It kind of threw them for a loop.”

Johnny closed his eyes and remembered. “Roy, I wasn’t sure what was going on. It hurt like hell, but wasn’t it supposed to? I mean I crashed into a tower for chrissake!” He took a breath and calmed. “Besides, it hurt worse when they moved it. I – I’ve never felt anything like that, and you know I’ve had a few broken bones, Roy.  This wasn’t the same thing.  It was… just different… and-and worse.”  Johnny thought back to his reaction to having his shoulder moved the first time. He was embarrassed as he remembered crying out and vomiting in front of the three men. Then he remembered what Briggs had told him about the surgery.

“Roy, did you hear what Doctor… Frankenstein did to me? Put me back together with… with plates and screws.” Johnny lifted his right arm and hesitantly probed the dressing over his incision. His arm dropped away heavily and he rested his head back into his pillow closing his eyes.

“Yeah, I know.  He said your clavicle was pretty busted up. That was the only way to fix it.”  Roy watched Johnny, wondering what thoughts were running through his mind.  “How’s it feel?”

Johnny sighed and gave a weak grin. He would not keep anything from Roy, especially after being confronted about it. “I’m feeling it.”

Roy nodded, understanding that brief statement was Johnny’s admission that it hurt like hell. “Well, the nurse is due in with your meds anytime.”

Johnny kept his eyes closed and nodded, pulling the pillow closer to his ribs.

Kelly Brackett entered the room and spoke quietly, thinking Johnny was asleep. “Roy, has he been awake yet?”

“I’m ‘wake, Doc.” Johnny opened his eyes.

“Welcome back, Johnny. I’m going to do a quick exam okay? How are you feeling?” The doctor placed his fingers at Johnny’s pulse point and flipped his wrist over and looked at his watch.

“I’m okay.” The words came out reflexively, without forethought.

Roy flopped back heavily into the hard plastic chair, not believing what he was hearing. “Johnny!”

Kelly Brackett straightened his shoulders and crossed his arms. “Johnny?”

Johnny glared at Roy, but his glare was matched this time and he found he was too tired to engage in a stare-down with his best friend. He finally looked down at his casted arm. “Okay, okay. It hurts, okay? Yes – it hurts.  And it’s still doing that… tingly thing.”

The side of Brackett’s mouth twitched and he smiled, knowing it was a hard admission for the younger paramedic. “That wasn’t so hard was it?” The doctor leaned on the bedrail facing Johnny. “This pain you’re having, Johnny, isn’t entirely unexpected. This isn’t just another one of your broken bones that you’ve learned to deal with in the past.”

Johnny glanced at Roy, knowing how close the doctor had come to repeating what he had said earlier to his friend.

“Doctor Briggs told you about the nerve involvement. Add the repair work he did and that increases the amount of pain you’re going to experience.”

“I know. Doctor Frankenstein made himself perfectly clear.”

Johnny was dangerously close to sulking now and Brackett recognized it. “Doctor Frankenstein?”

“Yeah, you know, finding spare parts to put me back together.” Johnny meant to say it jokingly, but it came out too softly, edged with a bit of worry, to be mistaken as a joke. Johnny closed his eyes and pushed his head back into the pillow. He was already tired of talking and intended to ignore the two men from this point on until another thought occurred to him and he opened his eyes. “Oh, Roy said you kept me out longer to do some tests. What kinda tests?”

Brackett and Roy exchanged a quick glance. “Well, we were concerned about the level of pain you experienced, Johnny. Doctor Briggs just wanted to rule out a possible condition before we moved your shoulder again.”

Alarm bells rung in Johnny’s head. He had already worried that something was really wrong with his shoulder, but had kept that to himself, and now here was confirmation that his concern may be grounded in truth. “What condition, Doc? Tell me!” His voice rose an octave, and he tried to sit up in bed, but a hand against his chest stopped his movement.

“Settle down, Johnny.” Brackett looked at him sternly a moment, then his expression softened. “There’s a condition known as acute brachial plexus neuritis that can have the same symptoms you experienced. The tests were inconclusive, but Doctor Briggs does not seem too concerned that you have this. As he told you before, you did have a bone fragment near that nerve bundle, but it did not damage them. He was confident of that. He thinks this is all normal in respect to your injuries. It was a bad fracture, John."

“But if I do have this… neuritis thing. What then?” Johnny was familiar with the medical terminology, and tried to stay calm even when the implications were rapidly manifesting themselves in his brain.

“Well, in the long run it would not change the course of your treatment. You’ll still need physical therapy. If you have neuritis, and I’ll say again that he doesn’t think you do – your treatment plan would be extended and the neuritis pain may be more difficult to work through.”

“Extended how long?” Johnny stared at the doctor, looking for any signs that Brackett was trying to cover anything. But he saw only honesty and knew he should never have doubted this man who had only ever been straightforward with him.

“Extended for months possibly.”

“And neuritis can be a permanent condition, can’t it?”

“Yes it can, but you are getting way too far ahead of yourself here! You haven’t even started therapy yet, or given yourself time to recover from your other injuries, Johnny. Now don’t start worrying about something like this yet!” Brackett patted his arm. “Just be honest with us about how you’re feeling and what’s going on with your shoulder. That will help guide your treatment and recovery.”

“Yeah, okay.” This time Johnny was too tired to continue this conversation and let his head fall back and closed his eyes again.

Brackett stood and completed his quick exam. “Okay, Johnny. I’m going to give you some medication before we move your arm. You should be completely relaxed and more comfortable this time around.” He waited for Johnny to nod his head since he had not opened his eyes. “We’ll be back in a few minutes after this starts working.” The doctor injected two syringes into the IV port then made some quick notes in the chart as he watched his patient’s tense features relax.  “I’ll be back in a few minutes.” He looked at Roy then shook his head, worried about Johnny’s mental state at this point.  He saw the same worry reflected in Roy. He rested the chart on the hook and left the room.

Roy sat quietly, as he had done throughout the doctor’s visit, watching his friend rest, but knowing that even though Johnny’s face seemed more relaxed, his mind was probably still racing with worst case scenarios. 

“Johnny?” Roy asked after a few minutes.

“Hmmmm?” Johnny’s head lolled towards Roy, but his eyes did not open.

“Feeling better?”

“Umm... yeah.”

“Try not to worry too much yet, okay? You’ve really gone through quite a lot with this fall. Just give yourself time. No one expects you to do more than you’re ready for.”

“Yeah… I know.  It’s just that…” Johnny did not finish the sentence but instead gave a deep sigh.

“Yeah. I know.” Roy did not need to hear the rest of his friend’s sentence to know how it ended.

Doctors Borchardt and Brackett entered the room, and after a quick look at the chart, Doctor Borchardt approached Johnny’s left side. “Hi, Johnny. Feeling relaxed right now?”

“Yeah.” Johnny forced his eyes open. He looked around the room. “Where’s Doctor Frankenstein?”

Borchardt’s eyebrows rose at that but he smiled. “Well if you mean Doctor Briggs, he couldn’t be here. I’ll be doing most of your follow-up now, Johnny, although Mike will be here periodically to check on you too.”

Brackett approached Johnny’s right side after Roy moved away. “Johnny, how’s the pain now?”

“I’m not feeling it, Doc, except for the tingle. I feel that.”

“Well, that’s understandable.” He watched as Borchardt removed the dressing over the incision to examine it.

“The incision is looking good, Johnny.” Borchardt palpated it lightly.

Johnny glanced down at it, seeing it for the first time. “Jeezus…” He did not know what to expect, but he swallowed hard as he looked at the long raised incision. He closed his eyes and looked away.  He was not vain about his appearance – he certainly already had too many scars to be concerned about that. But this one traveled the whole length of his clavicle.

“I want you to stay completely relaxed while we do this, Johnny. If it does start to hurt too much just tell me and we’ll stop.” The doctor released the immobilizer’s strap that held the paramedic’s left arm close to his body.

Johnny nodded his understanding then tried to relax. It was not too hard thanks to the medication he had been given. He felt the orthopedic surgeon’s right hand wrap around his arm above his elbow, then support his casted arm with his left. He could not help but tense up, anticipating the wretched pain he experienced yesterday.

“Relax, Johnny,” Borchardt waited until he felt his patient’s arm go slack. “Take a deep breath and let it out as I lift.”

Johnny obeyed, and felt his arm lift. He felt the muscle near his shoulder blade pulling, but it was only slightly uncomfortable. The medication did its work, leaving him relaxed and pliant to the surgeon’s ministrations. Just when he started to believe that this was not going so badly, the doctor rotated his arm in towards his chest and a powerful electrical surge jolted through his arm. “Ah! Damnit… stop!” He groaned out. Panting, he was relieved that true to his word, the doctor stopped and lowered his arm carefully to the pillow.

“Tell me what that felt like, Johnny.”

Johnny reached his right arm over and clutched at his left arm, trying to hug it closer to his body protectively, but gasped as that movement caused another short jolt to flow down his arm to his fingertips. Doctor Borchardt’s hand pulled his away gently.

“Johnny?”

“Umm… sharp pain… like a shock.  Nerve pain, right?” Johnny opened his eyes after catching his breath, and looked at the surgeon.

“Yes, most likely it is, Johnny, but that’s to be expected. How is it now?”

“Feels okay now if you don’t move it.” Johnny looked hopefully at the doctor, wanting this over now.

“Okay, we’re done for today.” Borchardt fastened the immobilizer around his patient’s injured arm. “But tomorrow your therapist will come in with a complete treatment plan.  It will still be passive range of motion, but there will be several reps to do, Johnny. Try and bear with it, and I’ll make sure we keep on top of the pain before treatment starts.  This is how we get you back to work.” Borchardt gave the sweaty paramedic a confident smile.

“Yeah. Right.” Johnny sighed. He wanted everyone out of his room now. There was just too much to think about.

Kelly Brackett spoke up. “The nurse will be in shortly with the rest of your medication, and I suspect you’ll sleep for a while.” He looked appraisingly at Johnny, who seemed to have already shut him out by closing his eyes. He left with Doctor Borchardt after giving Roy a concerned look.

Roy sat and waited quietly while Johnny recovered, glad to hear his respirations slow. “How are you doing now?”

Johnny opened his eyes and gave his friend an irritated look. “I’m fine, Roy, just fine.  Now leave me alone, okay?”

Roy leaned back in the chair and did not speak again.  The nurse entered and gathered vitals, then injected two more medications into the rubber IV port, then left silently, perhaps sensing her patient was not at his best.  Just when Roy thought his injured friend had lapsed into sleep he heard him stir.

“Mmmm, Roy?”  Johnny’s speech slurred and his eyes proved difficult to open, but he searched for his friend.

“Yeah, Johnny. I’m here.”

“S’rry ‘bout that… didn’t mean to…”

“I know. Don’t worry about it.  Just get some rest.” Roy patted his friend’s good shoulder.

“Roy? How’s Gil doin’?”

Roy frowned for a moment at this turn in conversation. “Gil? Well he’s doing pretty well, Johnny. He’s confident and getting a lot of experience. I really think rescuing you got him over the rough patch he was in. He’ll make a good paramedic.”

“Good. Thaz’ good… think maybe he might want to… fill in for me… while I’m out?”

“I don’t know, Johnny. He still has a couple of weeks of training, then he’ll take the exam, but I’m sure he’ll pass.  He’s got his own station waiting for him, you know.”

“Yeah… but he might change his mind… if…”

“If what?” Roy caught a glimpse of where this was headed. “You’re coming back to work.  This will all get better.”

“Maybe…” Johnny’s eyes closed after a fight to keep them open. “Maybe not… you heard the doc…”

“And I don’t think you were listening to everything he said. You have to give it some time, Johnny.” Roy squeezed his friend’s arm.

“I just thought that… if Gil filled in, then he’d make a good… partner for you... if I didn’t come back…” Johnny swallowed hard. “ ‘Cause then you’d have trained him and he’d be… just what you needed…” Johnny finally succumbed to sleep.

Roy rubbed his whiskered face tiredly. “No, Johnny. I’m not breaking in a replacement. I already have a partner, damnit.”

~~~

Mike Briggs grinned at Roy DeSoto who was leaning on the wall outside Johnny’s room.  “Hi, Roy! Why are you out here?”

Roy gave the red-haired surgeon a sheepish grin. “Well it doesn’t sound like things are going so well in there. That PT guy has his hands full with Johnny.”

Both men paused to listen, hearing cursing then the strong voice of the physical therapist. “Mister Gage, I suggest that if you intend on returning to work we give it one more try.”

“We? Who’s ‘we’ here, mister? This arm you’re jerking around is mine, not yours!”

“One more time shall we?”

“Fine…” There was a moment of silence while Johnny acquiesced. “Agh! Damnit! Get away from me!”

“There, all done. That was good, Mister Gage. I’ll be back with some heat for your shoulder in a minute.”

“Well go! Don’t let the door hit you in the-”

Briggs interrupted by stepping into the room as the blond haired therapist turned to leave. He gave the surgeon a barely suppressed look of exasperation and said, “He’s all yours, Doctor.”

Mike Briggs smiled broadly at his patient, who was settling back into the bed, clutching his left arm protectively in its immobilizer. “Good morning, Johnny! Long time no see!”

Roy stepped inside behind the doctor in time to hear Johnny’s next comment.

“Well if it isn’t Doctor Frankenstein. Come to check on your latest creation?” Johnny sunk further into the bed.

“Johnny!” Roy knew his friend was frustrated and hurting to be snapping at the doctor like that.

His friend only gave him a sullen look then pulled the pillow closer to his chest.  Roy moved to the chair and sat down next to the bed, patting Johnny’s good shoulder.

Briggs only beamed brighter and chuckled. “Frankenstein? It is one of my favorite movies, but let’s not let that nickname get around. Might be bad for business.” He pulled the chart from the hook and perused the latest notes, periodically glancing over the top of his glasses at the now quiet patient. He set the chart back down after a few minutes then approached the left side of the bed. Crossing his arms, he asked gently, “What’s with the Frankenstein thing, Johnny? What’s going on?”

“Nothin.’” Johnny would not meet the doctor’s eyes.  But after an extended silence, he finally looked up and saw the man patiently waiting, his expression one of understanding.  Johnny took a deep breath. “I – I just don’t like the idea of there being… things – in my shoulder. Metal parts holding me together. It’s not right.”  His hand traveled to the dressing that covered the long incision.  It was not quite so sensitive and he had spent a great deal of private time feeling the odd bumps of his repaired clavicle.

“I can understand that, Johnny. I really can.” He paused and looked at his glum patient. “But you know, once that bone heals and fuses with the plates and screws, your shoulder will be stronger. But, yes, it does take some getting used to, I’m sure. There wasn’t really an alternative, you know?”

“I suppose.”  Johnny shifted in bed. He was hurting all over. The therapist had put him through the wringer. As promised he had been given a small dose of muscle relaxant before starting his therapy regime. The first five repetitions on his shoulder, he had braved without comment. The next five became more painful and caused the familiar electrical jolt to travel down his arm.  It had been a week since therapy started and he was frustrated.

“Let me take a look.” Briggs pushed his glasses up onto the bridge of his nose and stepped closer. The doctor recognized the fleeting look of apprehension on his patient’s face, and unobtrusively pushed the call light after releasing the strap from the immobilizer.

“Why do you have to do this now? Couldn’t you have come in one minute sooner when that – sadist was in here doing the same thing?”  Johnny’s shoulder was already throbbing and he dreaded what was coming.

“Because I need to feel it, Johnny. Not just watch. Now, don’t tense up. Relax and let me move it.” The doctor waited until he felt muscles relax then started to slowly raise the limb until Johnny’s elbow was almost even with his shoulder.

 Johnny gasped sharply then held his breath, willing the pain to stop.  He had clenched his eyes shut once the movement started, wanting this over now.

“Don’t hold your breath. Take a deep breath and let it out before I move forward.” Briggs waited until Johnny obeyed, then rotated the limb forward.

“Ah! Damnit!” It was all Johnny could do to restrain himself from pulling his arm away from the doctor. “That’s enough!” He failed to swallow the choked cry and felt instant shame upon its escape from his throat.

“Okay, Johnny. I’m done.”  The doctor adjusted the pillow before resting the casted arm on it.

“That’s enough goddamn poking and prodding! I’m sick of it!” Johnny’s eyes burned with intensity.

“I know it hurts. But tell me what you feel when I move it. Is it muscle pain or nerve pain?” Brigg’s voice was concerned.

“It- It’s both. But the first few reps in therapy were okay.  It didn’t start until we were about halfway through.” Johnny shuddered weakly, suddenly very tired.

“Then that’s good news. What about the tingling? Is it still there?”

“No, not all the time. Until you start flapping my arm around! Then yeah, it tingles now.”

“When the arm is at rest, is there any nerve pain or tingling?”

“Not so much anymore. The past couple of mornings it hasn’t tingled until it gets moved.” Johnny stressed that last word with such intensity it made Roy grin despite his constant underlying concern about Johnny’s future beside him in the squad.

“Gotcha on the moving part, Johnny.” Briggs smiled. “This is a good thing then. I believe that as your shoulder adjusts to the correction, the brachial plexus is finally resting and settling down.  After hearing this, I’m confident we’re not talking about acute brachial plexus neuritis. If that was the case, you’d still be dealing with some severe nerve pain.” Briggs held up his hand and rushed forward before Johnny could interrupt, judging from his cross expression. “I know you still have the nerve pain, Johnny. But it’s subsiding. It’s not constant is it? I’m not saying things are perfect here, okay? You have a long way to go with therapy. But I think you'll be back to work if you keep at it.”

“Yeah?” For once Johnny let his gruff exterior melt away and the first glimmer of hope was reflected in the dark brown eyes.

Briggs grinned. He loved moments like this. “Yeah.” He glanced at Roy and saw the subtle shift of real belief shine in his eyes.

But as quickly as the hope appeared, an expression of challenge flashed on his patient’s face. “Well, then how soon can I get out of here? Can’t I come in for therapy?”

“Nope.” Briggs took the chart and started making notes.

“Nope? You tell me I’m getting better, but I can’t go home?”

“That’s right. This is the deal, Johnny.  I’m very pleased, as you should be that your shoulder is improving. But it needs careful observation at this stage. Remember, it’s not just your clavicle it’s also your scapula. The tendons and ligaments had to be attached there again.”

Johnny said no more. He was too tired and becoming too preoccupied with managing the aches and pains not only in his shoulder, but from his other injuries. “Whatever.”

Briggs flipped through some pages in the chart. “You’re still having headaches?”

“Yeah, but not as bad.  At least the world stopped spinning every time I open my eyes.” Johnny pulled his pillow close against his ribs.

The nurse and physical therapist arrived together, but waited expectantly for the doctor to finish.

Briggs snapped the chart shut and pushed his glasses up. “Okay, Johnny, you’re about to get more comfortable. I’ll check in on you periodically, but Doctor Borchardt is doing a fine job following up with you. Any questions?”

Johnny gave his head a quick abbreviated shake. He was tired and wrung out and wanted to nap, but his friend had only just arrived and he had slept through so many of his visits over the past week. He lifted his hand in a tired wave as the doctor turned to leave. The nurse approached him with the familiar two syringes and he held up his hand. “Can I wait on that for a bit?”

The nurse paused long enough for Briggs to spin on his heels at the door, having heard the question posed to the nurse.  He came back and stood at the foot of the bed with his hands on his hips. “No, Johnny. You can’t. Part of your recovery is managing your pain. It helps you heal faster when you don’t have so much pain to deal with. But you do know that, right?”

Johnny frowned up at the doctor. “Yeah, I know, okay? I just don’t want to sleep through another visit. I haven’t talked to Roy since… since…”

“Yesterday.” Roy added with a grin. “It’s okay, Johnny. Just take the meds.”  His friend’s mood was turning surly, and as much as he appreciated that he wanted to stay awake to visit, he would feel worse knowing his partner was hurting.

Johnny did not answer, knowing he was beat, and far too tired to argue anymore. He closed his eyes, which the nurse took as her sign to inject the medications. He felt the familiar disorienting head rush and let it wash over him, drawing the aches from his body.  

When he opened his eyes again, the doctor was gone and the therapist stood in his place. “What now?” he managed to ask with a groan.

The blond therapist grinned at him. “How about turning to your side? Think that would feel better?”

“Uh, yeah… think so.”

Roy stood to help the therapist rearrange Johnny’s body in the bed, repositioning limbs and placing pillows in strategic areas. As they worked, the therapist lifted Johnny’s cast to settle the arm into its new position that, despite the recent medications, caused a sharp pain to lance up his arm. “Damnit! That’s enough!” He clenched his eyes tightly shut, waiting for it to pass.

“I’m sorry about that.  I’m going to put this heat pack on your shoulder now. I think you’ll forgive me after that.” 

Johnny snorted but did not answer. He felt the weight of the warm pack, and relished the soothing heat as it soaked into his shoulder. He let out a soft moan of pleasure.

“We have a complicated love-hate relationship,” the therapist said to Roy as they watched their patient and friend’s body finally, truly relax. “He mostly loves to hate me, but then he has his moments when that love just pours out of him.”

“Shuddup,” Johnny mumbled as he drifted to sleep.

~~~

Two weeks later Kelly Brackett pushed the door of Johnny’s room open to see Joe Early leaning over the patient checking pupil response with his penlight. Joe turned when he finished, nodded his greeting then placed the penlight back in his labcoat pocket. 

The silver-haired doctor turned his attention back to the paramedic. “So tell me what happened today, Johnny.”

Johnny shot a look at Brackett, suddenly understanding why the second doctor had visited. He flushed with irritation. “Nothing! It was nothing. No big deal.”

“That’s not what I heard, Johnny. Your therapist was very concerned, and that’s why I asked Joe to check on you.”

“Well my therapist loves to exaggerate! It was no big deal!” Johnny scowled and looked down at his casted arm, rubbing the rough plaster with his finger.

Joe glanced at Kel and sighed. “Johnny, he said you nearly passed out. Now I need to know what happened from your perspective.”

Johnny continued to rub on the huge red peace sign Chet Kelly had drawn on his cast while he was sleeping a few days ago. “Fine! I finally got to stand up today. It’s been three weeks for cryin’ out loud! I got a little dizzy when he helped me up. That’s all.”

“How dizzy, Johnny?” Joe prompted.

Johnny finally looked up at the two doctors who looked on patiently, yet expectantly. Sighing, he pushed his head back into the pillow. “The whole room spun and I felt like I was falling. It was almost like when… when I…” He did not finish the sentence, but he could tell from the two doctors’ expressions that he had been understood. 

The truth was Johnny was distressed by this setback and angry at his body’s weak betrayal. He had been eager to advance to standing today, even if he would not be allowed to bear weight on his left leg with its fractured kneecap. Even moving slowly, as soon as the therapist got him to a standing position, he felt the floor tilt underneath his feet and his right arm flew out to balance himself as the floor heaved. He had pitched forward quickly when everything blurred and darkened but was caught by his sturdy therapist. The next thing he knew, the blond man was settling him back on the bed and holding an emesis basin under his chin. He had vomited at some point but did not clearly remember it starting.

“And you’re still having headaches?” Joe asked.

“Not all day like before, and I wasn’t even dizzy anymore.  The headaches have been coming on in the afternoon usually.” Johnny could not help but sound worried.

“Although it doesn’t seem so now, Johnny, you are making progress. You had a severe concussion.  It can take weeks for the headaches and nausea to pass. I think that since your therapy sessions have been stepped up, it’s wearing on you bit. It’s very important for you to continue to rest.”

“I rest all the time, Doc! That’s all I damn well do! Now it sounds like you’re telling me I’m doing too much! All I’ve gotten to do is sit up on the side of the bed, and it took me three days to do that without falling over! So how much easier am I suppose to take it?”

Joe sat on the edge of the bed. “I know this isn’t going as fast as you would like. But I am very pleased with your progress. You’ve never had a concussion like this, and along with your other injuries, it has all combined to frustrate you. Yes, you have to take it slow, but it will get better.”

Johnny appreciated the gentle doctor’s words, but he could not be entirely dissuaded. “I’m just tired of these walls! I’m tired of laying here. I’m tired of not being able to take a shower or move like I want to. I’m tired of asking for help every time I just want to turn over! I’m tired of it all.”

“And tired of hurting.” Joe added.

Johnny would not look at the doctor, but hesitantly nodded.

Joe patted his friend’s arm. “That’s all understandable, but you have to help by telling us how you’re feeling. We don’t know how to help you if you don’t talk to us.”

“I just figured if I told you, then I’d be stuck in this bed again and not allowed to get up. Am I right?”

Joe and Kel looked at each other a moment, weighing what was best for their patient’s physical well-being against his emotional needs as well. Joe fingered his bracelet before responding. “For today at least, Johnny. We’ll see about tomorrow.”

Johnny could not help but snort derisively. “I know what that means, Doc. Just say no if that’s what you mean.”

“That’s not what I mean, Johnny. I want to know how you’re doing tomorrow before I commit to anything. But I want you up as much as you do, okay?”  Joe waited to see Johnny nod his understanding before he stood up. “I’ll check on you in the morning and we’ll go from there.” He gave Johnny his kindest smile, and left.

Johnny noticed that Brackett had remained in his room and was looking over his chart. Johnny tolerated the exam quietly, by now used to Brackett’s routine and predictable pokes and prods. It was surprising then when the doctor sat on the edge of the bed after he had finished the exam.

“I’d like to talk to you for a minute, Johnny.” The doctor watched the predictable scowl form on his patient’s face.

“Oh let me guess this one, Doc,” Johnny said irritably. “Back to a liquid diet, right? I puke one time and that’s what I get? Well you can forget it! I’m sick of broth, I’m sick of Jell-O and I’m sick of that disgusting crap you people call a ‘health shake’. I’m not doing it!” If Johnny could have done it, he would have crossed his arms defiantly. Instead he settled for a dramatic “hmmph” when he had finished. He turned his head away and refused to look at the dark haired doctor.

Brackett studied his patient for a moment, letting Johnny get control of his rankled emotions. Johnny had been a patient enough times at Rampart, but admittedly, never for this long. Extended hospital admissions wore on most patients, creating their own unique brand of anxiety and anger issues. Kel knew Johnny was a single-minded, independent person who was used to relying on no one.  He was normally an active, strong individual who now viewed his own injuries as a weakness.

“No, Johnny. I think I can let one puke incident slide. Just make sure your stomach feels settled before you eat.”

Surprised, Johnny looked at the doctor. “Okay…. Thanks. Then what is it?”

“I’d like to talk about your accident and see how much you remember now.”

“It’s just bits and pieces, Doc. And some of it I think I just dreamed.” Johnny frowned as he remembered the woman’s terrified face that continued to appear in his dreams.

“I know you’ve been waking at night. And even though you told Joe that you’re resting, I know you’re fighting sleep. Can you tell me about it?”

What the doctor said was true, and it irritated Johnny that this was one more thing, a private thing, that was being laid out in the open. Was there nothing he would be allowed to work out on his own? He recalled the times during the night that he had woken with a start, heart beating out of his chest. The nurse would rush into the room and tell Johnny he had cried out or yelled in his sleep.  Embarrassed, he told the nurse it was nothing, but the woman’s face clung to his memory long after he woke. It had been happening so frequently that he was almost afraid to go to sleep. During the day he would force himself to read or watch TV, even when his eyelids drooped with much needed rest.

“Johnny?” Kel prompted.

“Come on, Doc…” Johnny tried to think of some flippant remark to throw Brackett off this trail. The look on the man’s face said it would be nearly impossible.  “I don’t remember much. I remember telling Gil he was going over first. Roy and I thought he was ready for it.  Roy went up to secure the ropes and check the cable.” He frowned as he tried to remember the events of that day. “I don’t really remember getting in the basket or helping Gil, but Roy tells me I did.”

He shook his head, frustrated at his lack of memory. His head ached from his effort and he closed his eyes. His voice softened. “It just gets blurry after that, Doc.”

“What are the nightmares about?”

“Just a lot of nonsense.”

Kel frowned and touched Johnny’s knee, prompting his patient to open his eyes. “I wouldn’t call falling almost 140 feet nonsense, Johnny. I think you dream about the fall, don’t you?” Brackett had been present during a couple of his patient’s dreams when his hand flew out to grab the bed rail or Roy’s hand.

“Yeah, I guess so. I feel myself fall and the rope is there twisting… and I see sky and pavement all spinning around.” Johnny did not add that he felt blinding, paralyzing fear each time he dreamed of that fall, or how it started out, looking into the eyes of a woman whose fear matched his own.

Kelly Brackett nodded. “You might never remember more than that.” He recalled Johnny’s comment after his surgery, about a woman being scared, and wondered now if his patient had forgotten or was just unwilling to bring up the difficult memory. “Do you remember the women on the ride, after you sent the heart attack victim down?”

Johnny’s head jerked up and he looked at the doctor. “Women?”  He thought he had dreamed this part, but then that was not entirely true either. He had desperately hoped it had been a dream, because if it were true it meant he had failed miserably during that rescue.  The truth closed in around him and he whispered, “Oh, god… yeah. Two women?”

“Yes there were two.” He watched Johnny as the memory came to him.

Johnny pulled the pillow against his ribs, applying just enough pressure to relieve the familiar ache. “Are they – are they okay? Were they hurt?” Just then a terrible thought occurred to him. “Wait! What’s wrong? There’s something you aren’t telling me here…” His right hand twisted the sheet as he continued. “Did something happen to them after I fell?” Johnny envisioned the two women he had unwittingly left alone after his fall, being horribly injured when they too fell from the basket – or perhaps the cable had given way and they had fallen to their deaths- all this could have happened and he was just now being told. Finally after weeks of healing, the doctor thought he was ready to handle this. “Oh my god, what did I do…?”

“Johnny, stop!” Brackett squeezed his right arm firmly, hoping to bring Johnny back to center. “They are fine! Both women are fine. But I want to talk to you about one of them.”  He waited until relief washed over Johnny’s features and he relaxed. “One of the women was the sister to the heart attack victim you helped rescue.  She was very upset.  Do you remember her?”

Johnny was quiet then gave a small gasp as he recalled the face in his dream, full of fear and shock, grasping and pulling on his arm.  He touched his left casted arm reflexively as if she had just touched him. He closed his eyes, remembering his own fear again as his arm slipped from her grasp. “I-I think I do…” A shiver traveled up his spine. “What about her, Doc?”  He opened his eyes and stared at the doctor.  The chill in his spine would not subside, and he tensed to prevent another tremor.

Brackett did not miss the change in Johnny. “Her name is Mrs. Sylvia Langston. She was very upset about what happened and she’s been having a difficult time coming to terms with it.”

Johnny understood that wholeheartedly. He was having a hard time with it, too. What made it even more difficult was not being able to remember everything. He remembered her fear and that he had not been able to help her.  His responsibility as a rescue man and paramedic was deeply ingrained in him. It was who he was, not just his job. He had failed to help her and now that he knew she was related to the victim, he realized he should have been more cautious with her. He had dealt with overwrought and panicked victims before, and took pride in his ability to calm them.  But he had not been able to do that with Mrs. Langston.  She must be furious with him. He remembered how the basket swayed and twisted, buffeted by the wind.  They had been trapped up there for quite some time. That fact, plus the stress of worrying over her gravely ill brother had just been too much for her. Help arrived for her brother, but when it came to what she needed – the care and assurance he was supposed to provide to each and every victim- he failed.

When his patient did not respond, Kel studied him for a moment, noting the furrowed brow. Johnny was shaking his head and let out a sigh.  “Johnny, she would like to meet you. The counselor she has been seeing here allowed me to tell you that he believes it may be helpful for her to speak to you.  I told him I would discuss with you when you were stronger.  This is completely up to you.”

“I don’t…” Johnny stammered. “I- I mean… I can’t see her. There’s nothing I can say to- to undo what happened. May-maybe she should go see…Cap or- or go to headquarters.”

“That’s not what she wants, Johnny. She just-“

“No, Doc! Just – just tell her she can file a complaint with Cap or at headquarters. I mean, she – she has every right. I really can’t blame her.” He closed his eyes. Exhaustion pulled at him, but over the past few days he had fought his need to rest. Brackett was right. He had tried to avoid sleep because the terrified face of Sylvia Langston was there reminding him of his failure. But now it was out in the open, his negligence was evident now and there would be consequences. He only hoped that Mrs. Langston gained some peace of mind knowing she could file a complaint against him.  Brackett continued to talk, but he shut out the doctor’s words, wanting sleep to take him now. He was no longer afraid to sleep. It was his future now that he feared for. But he was not angry. In fact, perhaps Mrs. Langston was doing him a favor. If he could no longer perform his job, the department would decide. He thought of riding the engine again, and a feeling of loss washed over him as he finally found his way to a quiet, dreamless sleep.

~~~

“You know, you enjoy your job too much!” Johnny yelled to the retreating back of the physical therapist.

Roy grinned at the blond man who smiled back and shook his head as he left. Roy entered the room to see a now familiar sight. His partner was positioned on his side with a heat pack on his shoulder. Roy watched the frown disappear from Johnny’s face being replaced by a sheepish grin.  “How’d it go today?”

Johnny tipped his head in the best imitation of a shrug he could give without using his shoulder. “It went okay. I just have to keep him on his toes.” He wiggled the fingers of his left casted hand. “Still gets a little tingly after therapy, but not too bad.”

Roy sat down in the familiar hard chair and looked at his friend. It had been 4 weeks now that Johnny had been in the hospital and although he was healing, the long stay wore on him in other ways. He had become moody and so irritable at times that he had twice thrown a magazine at his therapist. Just yesterday he had verbally assailed an unsuspecting volunteer who offered him a magazine he had read several times already during his long stay.  The last incident had brought Kel Brackett in to find Johnny contrite, but restless and fidgety.  He had apologized profusely to the young woman but had spent the rest of the day quiet and dispirited.

“Johnny, I know it’s been a few days since Brackett talked to you about Mrs. Langston.”

“Yeah, so?” Johnny tensed at the topic. “Did she file a complaint? Is that what this is about?”

“No,” Roy sighed. “She’s not filing a complaint. Now just shut up for a minute and listen to me.”

“Don’t have much choice now, do I?” Johnny sulked, letting his head sink into his pillow.

“Look, Johnny. She’s having a hard time dealing with what happened – not because she’s angry with you. She wants to see you and apologize.”

Johnny’s head lifted at that. “What? Apologize? Why?”

Roy was grateful that Kel Brackett had opted to let him discuss this with his friend. “She seems to think that she pushed you out of the ride and made you fall.”

Johnny could not speak. His mouth came open but no words would form. He thought back to his numerous nightmares of the incident. Nothing about them indicated that the woman had pushed him. In fact, the horrified expression on her face appeared when she tried grabbing him, trying to prevent his fall. “That- that’s crazy!”

“Is it, Johnny? I mean, we’ve both seen victims panic and do things they wouldn’t normally do.”

“Yeah, I know Roy, but not this time. At least not what I remember.” Johnny’s eyes closed. He thought he should be used to this memory now, as many times as it had appeared, but it always left him unsettled. “I was watching Gil on the ground when I should have been doing my job.”

“Doing your job? What do you think you were doing up there?” Roy was almost sure he knew where this was going.

“I – I wasn’t paying attention to either of them. I looked away. I remember that she was panicking about her brother and,” Johnny’s voice softened with self-recrimination. “She was so scared. You know what it’s like, Roy. People suddenly finding themselves in a situation that they never expected.”

“Yes, I know. But you know that sometimes there is only so much we can do for them. There was a lot going on up there that day." Roy could see he was not convincing his friend yet. “And your other responsibility was Gil, so I don’t know why you’re beating yourself up about looking down to check on him.”

Johnny shifted in bed making the heat pack slide off his shoulder. Roy stood and replaced it, then let his hand linger on his friend’s arm. “What is it really about, Johnny?”

“Roy-” He cleared his throat and took a sip of water, then watched his partner sit down and lean forward in the chair waiting for his answer. “What if I can’t do it anymore?” He looked down at his cast, unable to look at his best friend.

“Hey, Doctor Briggs said he thought you’d be back at work if you worked hard at therapy. It’s just going to take time.”

“I know, and that’s part of it, but it’s not everything.  I am worried about my shoulder. Will it be strong enough? What if I mess it up again? But still, that’s not all.” Johnny rubbed at the cast, picking at the worn fabric around his fingers.  His next words come out as almost a whisper, as if he must force them out. “What if I can’t do the job again? I remember falling, Roy. And every time I think about it, I get a cold sweat and my stomach does this flip… I can’t be a rescue man, or a paramedic, if I can’t do the climbing, the ropes…”

“You love the high rescues, Johnny.” Roy looked at his friend, not willing to continue until Johnny finally met his eyes. “You can get past this. I’ll help you. We’ll practice before you retest. There’s no one better than you at climbing, Johnny. You know that’s why I let you take the lead up there. I trust you. Damn, you always make it look so easy.” He was hoping to get a smile but Johnny remained serious.

“Right now, Roy, I don’t think I could look out this window without breaking out into a cold sweat, and it’s only the fourth floor. I know I loved high rescues, but I never fell before.” Johnny looked into his friend’s cool blue eyes. “I knew I was going to die, Roy. I felt it.”

Roy nodded, recalling the sickening feeling of waiting for the imminent sound of his friend impacting on the black pavement when he fell. He shook his head at that memory. “I know. But here you are. I want you back in the squad with me, Johnny. And if you can’t, then maybe it’s time for me to do something else. I could test again for engineer I suppose, but I don’t want to.  I don’t want another partner either.”

Johnny stared at his friend, stunned. Suddenly anger boiled out as he thought he knew what Roy was doing. “Don’t lay that on me, Roy! You were a paramedic before me and you’ll still be one, even if I can’t!” His eyes suddenly burned hot with tears. “Don’t lay that on me…”

Roy stood and leaned on the bed rail, intent that his friend should hear his next words. “That’s just the way it is, Johnny. When I passed up the promotion, it was because we wanted to continue to work together. It won’t be the same without you, and that means it will be time for me to do something else in the department.  I didn’t say it to make you feel guilty. You know, I think you’d feel the same way.” He adjusted the heat pack on Johnny’s shoulder, using it as an excuse to touch his friend’s arm again. “Just remember that I know you – better than you know yourself sometimes. And I’m saying I know you can do it, and I’ll help.” Roy made his way to the door. “Think about it, partner.”

Then he was gone, and Johnny was left staring at the door after his friend, wondering if anything Roy said made any sense.

~~~

Kelly Brackett glanced over the chart at his anxious patient. Johnny’s right foot twitched under the blanket, and the fingers on his right hand thrummed to a silent staccato beat that only he was privy to. “Are you sure you’re ready for this, Johnny?” He made some last notes in the chart and placed it back on the hook at the foot of the bed.

“Yeah. No… Yes, I guess so. What am I going to say to her?” He pushed the blanket down, folding it across his waist then pulled it up again, twisting it in his fingers.

Kel’s mouth twitched, amused despite his patient’s nervous display. They had gone over and over this for the past three days. Between Roy and himself, they had assured Johnny that Mrs. Langston only wanted to apologize and he really did not need to say much to her other than to either accept her apology or not. Brackett knew the latter was really not an option for Johnny. He was truly too gracious and forgiving a soul to ever rebuff an honest apology.

The doctor stepped to the side of the bed and pulled the blanket from Johnny’s clenched fingers.

“Relax! She’s a very nice lady. I promise she’s not coming in here to eat you alive.” He straightened the blanket and gave his patient a warning look that stopped the nervous twitching instantly.

“Okay, okay. She’ll be here in an hour, right?”

“Yes. Then you can put that nervous energy to better use by getting ready to go home tomorrow.”

“Huh? You’re not just saying that are you?” Johnny looked hopefully at the grinning doctor. “Really? Home?”

“Well, as long as we agree that ‘home’ is the DeSoto home, Johnny.” He waited for the reaction he knew would come.

“Doc! Come on! I’ll do fine at my own apartment! I’ve been doing stairs in therapy with this stupid leg brace and I know how to do it!”

“You’ve been doing the three practice stairs in the therapy room, and not the twenty you need to do at your apartment complex. Besides, you and I both know that Joe is still concerned about your occasional dizziness. He thinks a couple more weeks of supervision until the brace comes off, and you can work on your balance, will be in your best interest. He won’t release you to home without supervision and frankly, neither will I.”

Johnny fumed. “Supervision? You mean babysitting! I’ve had it up to here with ‘supervision’!  I can’t go to the bathroom without someone with me and it’s been five goddamn weeks! Everyone telling me what to do, when to sleep, when to turn over, what to eat, what to read – I’m sick of it!”

Kel waited patiently as Johnny finished his rant then slumped back in the bed. These had become almost daily occurrences, followed by long periods of dark brooding. It was the main reason he had pushed Joe to release Johnny to Roy’s care. While his physical injuries were healing, the long recovery period was wearing on him, and had begun to affect his participation in therapy. He had shortened several of his sessions by becoming angry with his therapist, frustrated by his body’s still weak betrayal.  While he desperately wanted his shoulder to heal and strengthen, it was proving slow, difficult and painful, which continued to create doubt that he could fully recover and return to work. 

Johnny had even begun to refuse visitors, tiring of their questions and encouragement, which he interpreted as empty platitudes.  Yesterday when Captain Stanley approached Brackett about Johnny’s short, even sarcastic responses to him, the doctor knew it was time to make a decision. For the paramedic to speak to his captain with anything but respect was a serious indication of his deteriorating mental state.  The captain had not been angry, only concerned, as he also knew this was not normal behavior for Johnny.

“I know you are, Johnny. It has been a difficult recovery and it’s slower than you want it to happen. But going to Roy’s house is the best option, and I think that if you stop to think about it, you know it is, too. It’s only for a couple of weeks, until the brace comes off and you can balance yourself better.  The dizziness is subsiding, but it still catches you unaware at times, doesn’t it?”

“You know damn well it does! There’s nothing about me that’s private is there? I don’t get a say in any of this! Everyone making notes in that chart, like I’m some science experiment!” Johnny ran his fingers through his long hair and glared at the doctor, angry that once again, his episode of dizziness yesterday, while simply being assisted to the bathroom, had been reported.  He had been doing fine, when the floor had suddenly tilted. Had the nurse not been supporting him, he knew he would have fallen. That knowledge only irked him more. It had been several days since he had experienced any dizziness, and he had just allowed himself the hope that this particular side effect of his fall was behind him.

The doctor would not be drawn into an argument, and waited until Johnny sagged into the bed, throwing his right arm over his eyes, blocking out any further discussion.  “Do you want to wait to meet Mrs. Langston? I’m sure she could wait until tomorrow, Johnny.”

Without moving, Johnny spoke softly. “No, can’t put her off any longer.”

“Okay. Get some rest. I’ll bring her here in about an hour.” Kel waited for a response but got none. He left hoping this meeting would be healing not only for Sylvia Langston, but also for John Gage.

~~~

Although he had been expecting this visitor, the knock on the door made Johnny flinch. He cleared his throat. “Come in.” He thought it ridiculous that now suddenly the doctor was knocking.  For his entire stay here he had become accustomed to people coming and going, stepping into the room as if there was no boundary or personal space. It was just another thing that rankled him after five long weeks at Rampart.  He straightened up in the bed and smoothed the blanket as Kelly Brackett stepped inside, followed by a small slender woman.

“Johnny, this is Sylvia Langston. She would like to spend a couple of minutes with you if that’s alright.” Kel guided the woman into the room by the elbow. 

Johnny smiled politely and nodded. Sylvia Langston looked down at the purse she clutched in her hands like a lifeline.

Doctor Brackett quickly assessed that some prodding might be necessary for both of the tongue-tied room occupants. He looked at Johnny, giving him a careful, encouraging nod, hoping to get him talking.

Johnny blinked hard. “Mrs. Langston, why don’t you sit down?” He gestured to the chair and Brackett pulled it out for her and touched her arm as she sat.

“I’ll leave you two alone to talk. If you need anything just use the call light.” He smiled at both of them and hurried out.

Finally after a long quiet pause, the woman looked up at Johnny. “I-I want to thank you for seeing me. I know you had every right to refuse… after – after what happened.”

Johnny looked at the woman, trying to determine his response. “Ma’am, I was never angry with you.”

“You should be.” Her voice was a strained whisper. “I’ve been practicing what I want to say for weeks, and now I – I can’t remember any of it. I’m sorry.”

“There’s nothing for you to be sorry about, ma’am.” Johnny watched as the woman wrung her hands on her lap.

“I pushed you. You could have been killed. I-I did think I killed you.” Her voice was choked with emotion and her eyes filled with tears.

“You didn’t push me. I might not remember everything about that day, but I do remember that you did not push me.” 

“They told me you didn’t remember. I wondered if that might be the best thing.  I can’t keep from thinking about it.”

Johnny gave her a weak smile. “You might be right about that. But I’ve started to remember. You can’t believe that you pushed me.”

“I did!” Sylvia looked up at him and a tear escaped, rolling down her cheek. She quickly brushed it away. “It was like it wasn’t me! I could see myself but – but it wasn’t me!”  She pulled a tissue from her purse and wiped her eyes, fighting to control her emotions. “I’m sorry, I didn’t intend to come in here and cry. I’m not normally an emotional person. This has just… it’s made me different, and I don’t think I’ll ever be the same.”

Sylvia’s words struck a chord with Johnny. It was essentially how he had been feeling for weeks. “Mrs. Langston, why don’t you tell me about that day?” He looked at her, encouraging. “I don’t remember much of it. May as well hear about yours.”

The stricken woman looked at him and seemed to agree it was a good place to start. “My brother, Jerry- he was the one who was in the ride with me. He had the heart attack…” she saw Johnny nod that he remembered.  “He lives in Illinois, and we don’t see each other very often. He had come out to visit. I’d been bugging him for years. He’d never been to California.” She sniffed and wiped her nose with the tissue. She seemed to be settling down as she spoke. “We spent a few days driving around. He wanted to see the ocean of course so we spent a couple of days on the beach.  Then that day we drove by Ocean’s Park, and we both started talking about how much we loved amusement parks when we were kids.” She sniffed again and gave a little laugh. “We both had a love for the fast rides. Roller coasters were our favorite, but really we would do any ride that spun around or went fast when we were kids.  So I pulled in and he seemed so happy that I wanted to do that, even at our age.” She blushed and gave a nervous smile.

“There’s nothing wrong with that. I love roller coasters – think I always will.” Johnny said it quickly, then wondered if he would ever be able to ride one again without feeling afraid.

“We did several of the rides and it was great. We had a chance to feel like kids again. I had really missed him.”  Mrs. Langston seemed lost in thought.  “He seemed kind of tired, and to tell you the truth, I was too, but I’d never let him know. He’s older than me and I don’t let him forget it.”

Johnny laughed at that. He liked this lady. He so rarely had the opportunity to talk to victims he rescued. For the most part he accepted that as being part of the job. After the rescue was done, so was his job. But he had often wondered how those people had fared after his job was finished. Seeing people so distraught when their lives were in turmoil never got easier. Seeing inside Sylvia Langston made him feel like what he did mattered.

“I teased him about being tired then told him we would be able to relax on the Sky Ride. It was a nice slow ride, and he’d get a great view up there.” Sylvia suddenly lost her smile and twisted the tissue in her hand. “But I knew he was scared of heights. He has been since he was little. He’d go on any fast ride with me but never something easy like the Ferris wheel.  I begged and whined and teased unmercifully until he finally agreed. He’s always been like that. He would do anything for me.”

“He sounds like a good brother.”

“The very best. And what do I do? Act like a child again and push him to do something he wasn’t comfortable with.” She choked out her next sentence. “I almost killed two men that day.”

“Mrs. Langston, that’s just not true! Jerry must have wanted to make you happy. I bet he was having a great time and didn’t want it to end.”

“He was, yes. But I shouldn’t have pushed it. We could have just sat down at a picnic table and had some lemonade. I knew he was tired. Sometimes I like to pretend that it didn’t happen at all, and we sat in the shade and talked, sipping lemonade…” Sylvia gave a short laugh then looked up at Johnny. “But instead we went up in the ride. He seemed to be doing all right, but then the ride jerked and dropped about three feet. It started spinning and shaking… It made us all fall down. I heard this noise, like metal straining. That girl who was in the ride with us, I never did find out her name, she got up quickly and helped me up. That’s when I saw Jerry. He wasn’t trying to get up. He was sweating and holding his chest. He couldn’t catch his breath. The ride kept spinning and I’m sure we all thought it would fall at any second.” Her hands shook as she continued. “I’ve never been so scared in my life. It had been a perfect day – a really perfect day. Then in one second it all changed.” She sniffed and wiped under her nose daintily.

Johnny reached out and touched the woman’s arm. “Your reactions were normal under the circumstances. Believe me, anyone would be scared.”

“Maybe so, but I’ve always prided myself on being calm. I’m a kindergarten teacher. If I can’t be calm and patient, then I’m not much of a teacher.”

“That wasn’t your job that day. Believe me, I see people at their worst. It’s human nature. Fear, in small doses, for the most part, keeps us sharp. But then there are times when that’s all there is. It overwhelmed you and that’s perfectly normal. Don’t beat yourself up for being human, Mrs. Langston.” Johnny’s own words rang true as he realized they applied not only to Sylvia, but also to him.

Sylvia seemed to take his words and roll them over in her mind.  “Even so, I feel like I’ve changed – and certainly not for the better. I feel afraid of almost everything. Where I used to get excited about trying new things, I’m scared now. I don’t want to drive for fear I’ll hurt someone! I don’t want to get on an elevator because it might fall. And being up high again – I think I can say goodbye to my love of roller coasters. I- I just don’t think I can do it. Kind of ironic isn’t it? That Jerry’s phobia passed on to me?  Fate’s way of balancing out the score a bit, I suppose.” She looked at Johnny and tried a weak laugh. ”I’m sure it sounds silly to you, being a fireman who does all that exciting rescue work, but I’m just an ordinary person, and now I feel like my life is all tied up in knots.”

“No, ma’am. It’s not silly. I know what you mean.” Johnny gazed at her, wondering now at the depth of her fear, knowing that in many ways, his matched hers.

Her breath hitched and she straightened in her chair. “I-I’ve been afraid to ask, but sometimes it’s all I can think about, besides Jerry’s heart attack. I think about you… when you fell. I don’t – don’t know why, but I feel like I need to know what you remember.” She hesitated when she saw Johnny look down at his cast. “Oh, I’m sorry. I really shouldn’t have even asked. It’s been so hard for you I’m sure. One day just doing your job, saving a life, and the next moment there’s this crazy woman pushing you, making you fall.  I’m sorry to have made you more uncomfortable.”

During all the hours of mental preparation and worrying over this meeting, Johnny planned to tell this woman that it was okay. No problem. Accept her apology, tell her it was not her fault and move on. But now, he realized that would not be fair. He had done those things, but she needed more to move past it, and so did he.

“I was preoccupied with something else when I was up there with you, ma’am.” Johnny picked at the worn fabric on the edge of his cast. “The fireman with me was a new trainee and I was watching him.  I should have been paying more attention to both of you.  It was my job to take care of you and get you out safely.” He saw she was about to protest and he held up his hand. “But you did not push me. I remember how frightened you were, and it wasn’t anything I hadn’t dealt with before. Except this time I looked away. You were grabbing for my sleeve. I think that you were afraid I was going to leave you, and I know you were upset about your brother. I had looked away, and that’s when I fell out.” He met her eyes. “You remember that don’t you?”

And Johnny saw that she did remember it clearly when her eyes filled with tears and she covered her mouth with her hand as she though of it. He expected she had a very similar memory of that one moment when both their eyes met, both terrified, before he fell. A quiet sob escaped her and she nodded, “Yes, I- I do.”

“So you know I was afraid, too. I remember how afraid you were, and I think you were trying to help me as I fell, not push me.” Johnny looked at Sylvia, seeing that she was clearly past the point of being able to speak. She sobbed quietly, and he was not sure if he should have revealed that to her, seeing her so upset now.

“Thank you for telling me,” Sylvia finally said from behind her twisted tissue. “It was that part that was the hardest for me, I think. Even Jerry having his heart attack – I knew he was being taken care of. But I watched you fall, and it’s in my dreams and my every waking hour. I can’t get past that because I feel it was my fault.”

“But now you know it wasn’t.” Johnny held out his hand, waiting for her to take it. “Mrs. Langston, I think we just need to say we forgive ourselves, you know? For just being human. For reacting like humans and not superheroes.” He grinned at her, and watched her release a last little sob before she laughed. He liked the sound of it, and it made him laugh, too.

Sylvia squeezed his hand. “Your injuries – I don’t mean to pry, but I know your job is physically demanding. Will you be able to go back to work?”

“Yes. Yes I will.” Johnny smiled at her and for the first time felt like he believed it. “I’m going home tomorrow and I’ll be doing some therapy, but I’ve been told that I can do it. And that’s what I plan on doing.”  Saying these words and finally believing them lifted the heavy weight of worry that had plagued him these past few weeks.

“Thank you, Mr. Gage. I want you to know how much this has helped me. I won’t keep you any longer. You look very tired. I hope it’s okay if I check on you again sometime later?”

“Yes, ma’am. I think I’d like that.” Johnny squeezed her hand back and watched as she left his room, giving him one last wave. He felt exhausted, like when he pulled a hard shift with a three-alarm fire, and finally got back to the station and collapsed into his bunk. That was exactly how he felt now – completely wrung out, but like he had done his job well.  His eyes drifted closed but opened again when Kelly Brackett came into the room, looking anxious. Johnny smiled, thinking the worried doctor must have been lurking close by the entire time.

“How are you doing, Johnny?”

“Fine, Doc. It went just fine. I’m just really- really tired now for some reason.” Johnny could barely keep his eyes opened and was surprised at how quickly it had come over him.

“I’m sure you are. Thanks for helping her.” The doctor thought Johnny looked the most relaxed and at peace since his long stay at Rampart. He suspected the cathartic conversation had emotionally drained his patient.

Johnny nodded as he drifted off, letting his words slur. “Yeah… helped me, too.” Then he had one last thought about Sylvia Langston and he smiled. They still had some unfinished business.

~~~

Johnny stood with his hands on his hips, looking up at the fire department’s rappelling tower. He shaded his eyes from the bright sun and adjusted the coil of rope over his shoulder. He felt a firm hand on his shoulder and heard his friend ask, “Ready for this?”

Johnny did not look away from the large wooden structure that proudly displayed the Los Angeles County Fire Department emblem.  “It’s only fifty feet, right? I’ve done this plenty of times.”

Roy kept his hand on his friend’s shoulder. “Yes, partner, more times than I can count. There aren’t that many guys who come out here just for the fun of it.”

“Yeah, well, I used to.” Johnny reached up and absently rubbed his left shoulder.

“It’s feeling good, right? I mean Briggs was pretty tough on you before he released you to work. He wouldn’t have done it if he didn’t think you were ready.”

Johnny snorted at the memory. “I think he did that because I called him Doctor Frankenstein.”

Johnny allowed his memory to turn back two weeks ago, when he had come in to Rampart and jumped through every one of Briggs’ ridiculous hoops to prove his shoulder was strong and completely healed.  He had even dragged the doctor to the hospital’s basement, where he and Roy had rigged up a rope, where he dangled for ten minutes with his rappelling gear, using only his left arm to support his weight. That rope, of course, was only eight feet off the ground. It did nothing to help Johnny with his more pressing fear, which loomed in front of him now: a fifty foot wooden tower, which he would have to master in order to return to work as a rescue man and paramedic.

He recalled Briggs’ words as he hung from that rope in the hospital basement. “Well now, Johnny, I wish all my patients had something to prove! And me without my camera!” Briggs had taken his glasses off and rubbed his hand through his thick red hair. “Oh! Quit being a show-off! Where’s that release paper?” Roy had immediately passed it to him, and after he signed it, the doctor walked forward and stuffed it into Johnny’s front shirt pocket. “There you are, Fireman/Paramedic John Gage.  Best of luck to you.” His eyes softened almost imperceptibly as he met Johnny’s eyes. “You should be very proud of the progress you’ve made.  So now Doctor Frankenstein sends his creation out into the world to wreak havoc!” The doctor patted Johnny on the back as he swayed on the rope, and smiled broadly.

“Wreaking havoc isn’t something new to Johnny, Doc.  He was doing that before he broke his shoulder.” Roy’s eyes twinkled with mischief and unabashed pride in all that his friend had gone through.

Johnny sighed and turned his gaze from the tower to his friend. “Well, might as well get this over with. Joanne promised me pot roast and coconut cream pie.” He grinned at his friend, waggling his eyebrows at Roy.

Roy scowled back. “She didn’t make me coconut cream pie when I got injured.”

“Oh, Roy, you got a first degree burn on your elbow, for cryin’ out loud!  Again, who had to stay the night at Rampart that time, too?”

“Yeah, I know! She made you cookies after that! What is it with you, my wife and her food?” Roy and Johnny shared a laugh then Roy took his turn to look up at the tower and pointed to the top. “That tower’s not getting any shorter, you know? Ready?”

“Roy, I wish you could come up top with me, but we really should have an anchor at the base. Too bad Chet couldn’t be here to help out.” Johnny had wanted his best friend at the top with him, but knew that Roy would have to remain on the ground because someone had to steady the rope.

“Don’t worry about that, Johnny. Got it covered.” Roy jogged over to the tower, leaned inside one of the windows then returned.

Johnny was confused until he saw Gil Robinson come out of the tower. “Gil! Good to see you, man!”

“Hey, Johnny! I wouldn’t miss this for the world!” Gil reached out and shook Johnny’s hand.

Johnny and Gil had spoken a few times while he was at Rampart. Johnny had assured Gil that he was grateful to him for saving his life, while Gil was able to supply details of the rescue that were missing from Johnny’s memory.  He had been able to tell Johnny how he was rescued and gone over every detail, which helped Johnny accept and move on.  Johnny had only been out of the hospital and staying at Roy’s for two days when they had attended Gil’s paramedic graduation. He was proud to see Gil receive his pin, and complained loudly to Roy when he was whisked away back to the DeSoto home just because he had dozed off during the rest of the ceremony.  It was only the Chief’s speech, after all.  He had wanted to stay for the party afterwards, but the ever-vigilant Roy had seen him squirming in his chair and had brokered no argument after that.  He had never admitted it to Roy, but the two-hour outing had exhausted him, and the car ride, with its various bumps, had set his shoulder to throb.

That seemed like ages ago, and now Gil Robinson was a practicing paramedic at his own station. “I’m glad you’re here too, Gil.”

Gil gave Johnny a nudge with his elbow. “Don’t you think you better get this over with before it gets dark?”

It was only noon, but Johnny got the point. “You bet.” He turned to Roy. “Ready, Partner?”

Roy nodded and they headed for the tower. The senior paramedic held back, letting his partner take the lead up the narrow steps.  The tower’s rappelling surface was one flat, wooded wall, but the other sides had small windows that lent shafts of light into the darkened interior of the stairwell.  Johnny paused by the first window then steadfastly ignored the others they passed as they wound their way to the top. 

Stepping out onto the platform, Johnny took a deep breath and walked to the edge.  He had been mentally preparing himself for days, and knew there was only one way to tackle the fear niggling at the back of his mind, and that was head on.  He pulled the ropes and gear from his shoulder and dropped them to the floor.

Roy had noticed the intense expression and hard set to his friend’s eyes. “You okay?”

Johnny nodded, managing to give Roy a quick smile. “Yeah. Let’s do it.”  They busily set about attaching the ropes and equipment. Johnny immersed himself into the attention to detail required when preparing for a climb. Soon his mind was clear and he had attached the rope to the carabiner on his lifebelt.  Gil stood by below, holding the rope at the base of the tower. Johnny stood at the edge looking down, and felt no fear now. Instead he imagined himself standing on the precipice of one of the canyons, getting ready to rappel down for a rescue. He thought back to his numerous descents and the familiar rush of adrenaline flowed, giving him the clarity he sought to step over the edge.

Roy knew his friend was really back when Johnny balanced himself on the edge of the tower, faced him, brown eyes blazing with anticipation. He stepped off with the same confidence that gave Roy that familiar, healthy stab of jealousy at the ease with which his friend faced these rescues. He watched from the top as Johnny descended the tower, pushing himself off the flat surface periodically with the grace of a cat. Johnny landed softly next to Gil and looked up at Roy, shouting, “Yahoo! Come on, Roy! I’m ready to go again! Whatcha waiting for?”

Roy looked down with his hands on his hips, laughing and shaking his head at his friend. His voice was only loud enough for him to hear. “Yahoo, indeed, you crazy nut.”

~~~

It was not a busy day at Ocean’s Park, and the weather was eerily similar to another day not really all that long ago. Visitors stepped off the Sky Ride, laughing and relaxed; ready to move on to another park attraction. Johnny’s eyes traveled the long form of the crane and down to the basket that now rested on the ground awaiting new passengers. It looked so innocuous, just sitting there at rest.

“Are you ready for this?”

A deep breath. “I- I’m not sure…”

“We can do it another time. It really won’t be a problem to come back another day. I want you to be ready, too.”

“I want to, I- I really do. But now that we’re here…”

“Johnny, you called me because you thought you were ready, but if you’re not, let’s just wait.”

“No, Sylvia. I – we need to do this, don’t we?” Johnny shook his head, trying to shake off his anxiety. The irony was not lost on him that he had called Sylvia to join him at Ocean’s Park to get back on the Sky Ride together, yet now she was encouraging him to get past his last minute jitters. “I’m impressed with how far you’ve come. You’re doing great aren’t you?”

Sylvia smiled and gave a small shrug. “I guess I am. I can do elevators without having a death grip on the handrail and I can look out windows with no problem. It’s still different here though, dangling up there by a metal wire.  But there’s a part of me I left up there, and I need to get it back.”

Johnny nodded, realizing that she was echoing his own feelings.  He desperately needed to prove to himself that heights were not a problem, and that this whole ordeal was over. He had already proved to himself, the doctors and the fire department that he had healed physically. Now he needed to assure himself that he was as mentally strong as his shoulder was physically. While he had scaled and descended the fifty-foot department rappelling tower several times since his accident, it was different here.  This was an object that hung from a metal cable, twisting and moving 140 feet up in the open air.  Something he had fallen from, and almost died. 

Johnny wished his best friend had agreed to come with him today. But Roy had sensed this was something he and Sylvia Langston needed to do together. Roy had told him, “We’ll take the kids along the next time.”  That told Johnny that his friend had no doubt he could conquer this last remaining fear.

There had been no rope rescues since his return to work a week ago. They really did not occur all that often, but Johnny knew, deep down, that he needed to get past all this now, because no one ever knew when that call would come, requiring him to dangle high above the ground once again. In his line of work, it would happen eventually.

“Okay, Sylvia. Let’s do it.” Johnny grinned at her and they approached the basket.  The park manager was waiting at the door. Johnny had spoken to him earlier in the week after he and Sylvia set the date. He was more than happy to allow them a ride alone up in the Sky Ride. Today was a good day for it. There was no one waiting for the ride, and they could take their time. He told Johnny that the entire cable and pulley system had been replaced on the crane, and been checked out thoroughly by state inspectors before the ride was allowed to reopen.

They stepped inside slowly, both giving a gasp as the metal barred door was shut behind them with a loud ‘clang’.  They laughed nervously and moved away from the door to the padded seats in the middle. Both glanced at the door uneasily, as they remembered the incident; Johnny trying to regain his balance even as he began to fall, and Sylvia Langston grasping for his arm.

Sitting down, Johnny nodded to the manager that they were ready. He braced himself, but for what he was not entirely sure.  He heard the motor rev on the crane and took a deep breath. He heard Sylvia do the same then felt her hand on his arm.  He looked at her and they both knew that now was a good time to provide mutual support, so he snaked one arm around her shoulder, while she kept a firm grip on his other hand.  The basket lifted, giving a subtle jerk, but then rose quite smoothly into the air.  “Well that wasn’t as bad as I expected. I don’t know what exactly I expected, but it wasn’t that!”

Sylvia’s face had gone a bit pale, and Johnny gave her a reassuring hug. “Just wait,” she said, “until it stops.”

Johnny knew she needed a distraction, and quite honestly, so did he. “So Jerry’s back home in Illinois? How’s he doing?”

“J-just fine. Wondering now when I’m coming for a visit.  I told him I had to make sure I could get on a plane.” Sylvia laughed nervously.

“After this, Sylvia, you won’t have a problem.” Johnny forced himself to watch as they rose higher into the air.  Then just as he was becoming accustomed to the sensation of being lifted, the basket stopped with a slight jerk, making them both gasp and hold onto each other tighter for a short moment.

“Ready to take a look at the view?” Johnny took Sylvia’s hand, ready to help her stand. He felt shaky, but Sylvia looked positively frightened again. He knelt in front of her, speaking gently. “Come on now, you helped me get this far. Don’t let me down now. I need your help to get over this.”

Sylvia smiled nervously, and nodded, allowing Johnny to help her to her feet. Together they moved to the bars of the ride and looked out. “We had just started to admire the view when this thing dropped. I guess that’s what I’m waiting for.”

“It’s not going to happen again. This time just look at the view. You can see the ocean and the boats.  All the people going about their busy lives…”

“Never knowing that in one second everything can change.”

“But sometimes, like today, Sylvia, things change for the better.”  Johnny pointed to something, waiting for her eyes to find the object of his interest.  “What’s next for you, Sylvia? Isn’t it time that we both just moved past this? Look where we are! See how far we’ve come!”  And he truly felt it. He was perched on the edge of the world, and he knew he was over it. It had been such a daunting task, yet now he looked down and felt no fear.  Even looking at the tower he had impacted held no significance to him.  He smiled as he remembered Chet regaling him with his own version of the accident, telling him how he bounced off the tower, like one of those children’s paddle balls, with the ball attached to an elastic string.

“So what’s it going to be Sylvia?” Johnny rested an arm on her shoulder. “Ferris wheel or roller coaster?”

Sylvia laughed and pointed. “Roller coaster!”

Johnny gave her his patented Gage grin. “Good deal!”

She gave his arm a quick pat. “Johnny, I’ve got a niece about your age.  You’d love her!”

Johnny closed his eyes and laughed.

“She’s beautiful and smart and…”

~~~ Fin~~

Authors note: Many thanks go to my beta and good E! friend, Dawn. The idea for an alternate ending was born out of a late night viewing of the episode “Transition”. We watched the episode together online, lamenting at the absence of any kind of Johnny owie. Then I said, “Johnny should have fallen out of that ride!” And the rest is history after she challenged me to do just that. And as always, many thanks to my friend, B, who offers up encouragement and reality checks at all the right times! Any errors you find are still all mine!

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