Sudden Impact

Part 4

I’ve spent the last two Saturdays at the shopping mall with Chance, trying to get him adopted. Jane has been nice enough to give me rides there and back and we’re becoming pretty good friends.

It’s funny; I’ve never really had a close girl ‘friend’ before, that I haven’t dated, but I have to say that I really like being around Jane. And it’s nice that she thinks of me as just a friend too. She’s already got a boyfriend anyway, not that she’d be my type at all, but I sure don’t need the pressure of anyone wanting to date me right now. I managed to totally screw things up with Monica; right now any kind of romantic relationship with a woman would be a disaster. Jane is such a positive person, and she’s funny too. And easy to talk to. If I’d ever had a sister, I’d have wanted one like her.

It was late when we got done at the mall, and we were both hungry, so I asked her if she’d like to grab a bite to eat out somewhere. For once, I wasn’t in pain. Even though it makes me tired, I took the pain meds today anyway, knowing I’d be a lot more miserable if I didn’t. “You drive; I’ll buy,” I offered. So we headed out for a burger. It had been forever since I’d eaten out anywhere, and even McDonalds seemed like a treat.

We took our food outside on the picnic table so Chance could sit with us. We talked about the day and the animals, and she told me some great stories about some of the adoptions they’d done that were really heartwarming. I told her I didn’t understand why no one seemed interested in Chance.

She seemed a little hesitant with her reply, but then said, “Well, he seems pretty depressed,” she observed, looking down at him lying quietly on the ground beside us.

“Yeah. He sure is,” I agreed.

She looked up at me and then said, “So are you.”

That comment kind of caught me off guard. I haven’t been that transparent, have I? “What do you mean?” I asked, playing dumb.

Jane looked hard at me, as if she were looking right through me. “I just…” she seemed hesitant, like she didn’t know if she should continue. “You know, I sense a lot of negative emotions emanating from you.”

Negative. Yeah…she was on target there. But how could she possibly know about anything that had happened? I hadn’t said anything about my life, or my lack thereof. I glanced at her quickly, trying to decipher her expression, then pretended to look down at the dog. Jane’s face was calm, not accusatory or anything, and her eyes looked like she knew exactly what was going on with me. At that moment, I had this strong urge to unload everything on her, but held back.

She didn’t. “I think…something very sad has happened in your life. Am I right?”

Bingo. I froze up for a second, shocked at her perceptiveness. I really thought I’d kept a pretty tight lid on everything. Still, I didn’t feel comfortable admitting anything yet.

“You a psychic or something?” I joked.

She smiled. “No, not really. But I can sense things. And I sense a…a really deep sorrow…I feel it right now. It’s all around you.” She looked down at my arm then up to my face. “I’m right, aren’t I?”

I took in a deep breath. All the crap that I’d been dealing with was fighting its way to the surface and I didn’t really have the will to push it away again. For some reason, I felt safe with Jane. Finally I answered. “Yeah.”

“Does it…have anything to do with the accident you were in?”

The acid from the greasy burger began to bubble up in my stomach. I found my eyes locked onto hers and I realized I wasn’t scared or humiliated or ashamed for once. I decided to take a chance and tell her what happened. “Yeah,” I started, then told her the whole messy story.

It took me about fifteen minutes to spill my guts about everything, the accident, killing Penny, the pain, and the lawsuits. I didn’t really mean to tell her everything; it’s just that it sort of all slipped out, kind of like when you have a sink full of water and you take the drain stopper out and then try to put it back in again before any water escapes. It was kind of impossible to stop once I got started. And I guess it made it easier that she didn’t look mortified when I told her everything, and encouraged me to go on.

Her eyes softened in compassion, and she reached out and placed her hand on my right arm, which I’d had resting on the table. We stared at each other a long time, and then her hand slid down into mine and squeezed it. I squeezed back. It felt so good to have human contact; I hadn’t realized how long it had been since I’d actually touched anyone.

In the most sincere tone, she said. “And you feel…utterly…devastated.”

Hearing her verbalize my exact feelings made my throat close up. “You can’t imagine.” I said it so softly I could barely hear my own voice.

She just nodded and squeezed my hand harder, reaching out with her other hand.

For a minute I had a hard time getting any words to come out of my mouth. She didn’t rush me, and what was really nice was that she didn’t try to tell me how I should be feeling.

I finally found my voice. “You know Jane, it’s kind of ironic; I devoted my life to helping people, and then…I end up killing someone.” I actually smiled and tried not to let my voice break, but I couldn’t help it. I had to look away.

She nodded again. “It’s truly dreadful,” she said softly, “and I’m so sorry for you. So sorry. I can hardly imagine what you’re going through.”

Finally, I thought, someone who seemed to understand how I felt, and didn’t try to sit there and tell me not to feel guilty or responsible.

We sat there for a long time just being quiet; her hand was warm and soft as it squeezed mine. I hung on to it like my life depended on it.

Finally, she said, “You know, Johnny, in the short time I’ve gotten to know you, I’ve learned one thing. That is, I know you would never intentionally hurt anyone or anything. You’re a good person. That I can tell. Your devotion to Chance shows that. And…I think I know now why Chance is acting this way.” She looked down at my lethargic companion.

“Why?” I asked.

“He can feel it too, Johnny. He’s feeling what you’re feeling. He’s mirroring all the negative emotion that’s built up inside of you.”

I felt very skeptical but tried not to let it show on my face. Was she trying to say I was responsible for this dog’s attitude? “Are you saying it’s my fault that he’s so depressed?”

“Well, not really your fault. Right now, you’re in a period of mourning, shock even.  It’s natural, given what’s happened to you. You’re grieving, and that’s actually a very positive emotion, because it comes from your heart. But the guilt, that’s very negative. Chance absolutely is feeling that negative emotion and it’s affecting him. It could be affecting his recovery too. Animals are much more perceptive than we give them credit for. They know much more of what is going on than any of us would ever believe. And, I hate to tell you this, but he likely senses that you don’t want him.”

Oh man. Now I felt even worse. I looked down at Chance and he looked up at me with his big brown eyes. “It’s not that I don’t want you, buddy,” I told him apologetically, “I’m just having a hard time taking care of myself right now.” He kept looking at me, and I felt this immense guilt that maybe Jane was right and it was because of me that he was so down. I reached down and patted his head, scratching behind his ears, and he leaned in to me.

“Man, Jane, I don’t need more guilt.” I sighed. “I just want him to have a good home, maybe with some kids or something. That’s what he needs.”

            “I think what he needs is love…and understanding.” She pointed at me. “Same as you.”

I thought about that. And if I admitted the truth, I’d have to say that my friends had been more than generous with me in that department, that is, the love and understanding department. But I’d pretty much pushed them away. And I told her that, feeling pretty sheepish. But I had to explain why. “Jane, I just don’t feel comfortable accepting anyone’s sympathy. I mean, I…I…killed someone. It was my fault, and I’m not the one anyone should be feeling sorry for. And it’s not only that, I’m having a really hard time feeling happy about anything. I mean, what right do I have? I kinda feel like I deserve everything that’s happened. Like it’s a punishment I need to bear, you know?”

She nodded. God, it was so nice to have someone understand. “Yes, I do. And you certainly are bearing your punishment. The question is, how long are you going to subject yourself to it? I mean, what period of time do you think is justified, Johnny?”

I hadn’t thought of that. Probably because these days I found it pretty much impossible to see into the future. It was one day at a time right now. “I honestly don’t know. I guess…the rest of my life, because that’s what I took. Someone’s life. Kind of like, an eye for an eye, you know?”

She smiled at my reference to the Bible. “Are you religious?”

I hesitated.  “I don’t know. Not really.” This wasn’t something I felt comfortable talking about with anyone. I’d battled with my beliefs for years. Trying to explain them would be impossible.

“Well, if you are, or if you feel that there’s at least a higher being than ourselves out there that is truly good, then I think that you should consider that God or that Being would certainly forgive you. Especially since he knows what a good person you are, and how much good you’ve done in your life. You didn’t commit a crime, Johnny. You made a mistake – a human one.”

“A really bad human mistake,” I added.

“Regardless, God made us human. No one’s perfect, Johnny. Only God is. And I believe there’s a reason for what happened. We may not know what that reason is, but everyone has a path. No matter how awful it may seem, no matter that it doesn’t make sense at the time, this was that girl’s path, and yours too. Maybe you’ve punished yourself enough. Maybe…you should try to forgive yourself.”

Man. This was getting a little deep. Although what she said felt kinda comforting. Forgiving myself was a concept I wasn’t sure I could accept. But it was something to think about. I sighed. “Maybe,” was all I would commit to.

I was tired. And the conversation was getting to me. It had felt good to unload everything, but now I wanted to quit talking about it.

 I glanced down at Chance again. I looked back up at Jane. “So, what can I do for him?”

She didn’t push me to continue that line of thought, which I appreciated. “Well, as far as Chance is concerned, I think you need to try to turn your feelings around. Try to be more positive. And not just for him, but for yourself as well.”

“But how can I do that?”

“You’ve got to tone down those negative feelings – push them away. Realize that it’s not you, that it’s just something within you. Set them aside. Don’t let the negative thoughts take over your life. Every time you think something negative, imagine throwing it away and choosing something positive. Make that choice. You don’t have to do anything, just choose it.”

“That’s not gonna be easy. I don’t have a lot of positive things in my life right now.”

“Now, see? You’re doing it right now. Being negative. I’m going to tell you that the more negative you are, the more negative things that will happen in your life. They attract each other.”

Oh crap. That’s all I need. More negative things. That scared me. Enough to seriously give what she was saying a try. I just nodded as I tried to absorb that concept.

I honestly was having a hard time believing her. I’m not sure I believe in that mumbo jumbo. Like your thoughts can cause things to happen. But she seemed so certain. What did I have to lose?

“The power of the mind is incredible, Johnny. Take your arm, for example. You’ve told me that it’s not healing, right?”

I nodded.

“Think that it is going to heal. Know it. Make it your intention that it be healed, and then believe it. It’ll happen. I promise. Get rid of those negative thoughts and emotions. You wait and see. You’ll begin to feel better.”

She continued. “And here’s something else that will help. Be thankful. Be thankful for everything whether it’s a warm breeze, a rainbow, or just the fact that you’re able to get out of bed in the morning. Appreciate everything. You’ve been given a chance, Johnny. You could have been killed in that accident, but you weren’t. There’s a reason for that. You have the potential to do a lot of good. Realize that, and you’ll see that you have value, that you still have a life to live and an opportunity to give, and to continue to make a difference in others’ lives.” She reached down and petted Chance. “You’ve already made a difference in this little dog’s life. Just think – there’s so many more good things to come.”

I stared at her, blown away. She had just offered me something that I thought I’d never have again. Hope.

That night Chance and I sat on the sofa together and watched TV. I popped some popcorn, and I made a game out of tossing the pieces up in the air and letting him catch them in his mouth. He really seemed to enjoy that.

I’d thought about the conversation with Jane all evening and decided that I didn’t want to be responsible for anyone or anything else’s unhappiness. If I was what was bringing Chance down, then I was gonna have to be the one to bring him back up again. Besides, that meant a better chance for him to be adopted.

Right, Gage. You just keep on thinking that.

The next morning, I took the bus to the closest pet store and bought Chance some toys and some bones to chew on.

Used my Visa. 

I was determined to get him out of his depression and to try to think positive thoughts about him like Jane said.

When I came back, I took him out in the backyard and tried to get him to play fetch. It took him a while to catch on, but finally after a lot of coaxing I got him to run after the ball. I wasn’t too worried about his leg; his cast was due to come off this week, and running around a little didn’t seem to bother him, although he did get winded easily. Every few times he’d get the toy, he’d lie down and rest, panting. I could relate.

After a while, I needed to lie down too.

I’ve been doing more range of motion exercises, and some of the physical therapy that Dr. Gordon said I could do at home, but that little bit of exercise with Chance exhausted me, and my neck started hurting again. So, I went inside and took a nap. Chance napped on the bed with me.

I worry about how the hell long it’s gonna take me to ever be normal physically again.

What if I never am again?

I’ve got to stop thinking that way and think positive. I’m going to get better.

At this point I can raise my arm about twelve inches away from my side, and a little less than that when I’m lying on my side moving it upward. My arm still aches every day, but at least it’s not as constant as it was. Mornings are usually pretty good. I’ll be due for more x-rays and another check in two more weeks. I’m praying that I’ll be able to get this darn cast off by then. At least I don’t have to wear the cervical collar any more. My wrist is totally healed and so is my finger. My collarbone is still a little tender, but overall much better. I still get the headaches every day, but the really intense ones are fewer and farther between. My neck, shoulder, and back still hurt though. Maybe once I can do a little more physical therapy things will get better.

It’s going to take a long time for me to be back to where I was. I’m not even sure I can get all the way there. Man. There I go again. Thinking negative. I’ve got to think positive. I’m going to get better. I am. I’ve got to believe that.

Thinking of Penny brings me down.

I’ve tried so hard to put her death out of my mind. That had always been my tactic before, and it usually worked pretty well. My philosophy is: don’t think about it, and it won’t bother you. Don’t think about it for a really long time, and it will eventually go away. And then if you do by chance think about it, it’ll seem so far away and so hazy that the impact won’t be as bad.

I’d done that at some of the other low points in my life, like when my parents died. And when my brother died. But this was different. Even though I keep telling myself that it was an accident, that it could have happened to anyone, that I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, that there probably was nothing I could have done to avoid it, I still can’t erase it from my mind. When you’re the cause of something, something so damaging and irrevocable, you don’t ever forget that. Can’t forget it. I can’t, at least.

I still dream about the accident. And sometimes I get flashes of it in my mind during the day. They just come out of nowhere. Sometimes I feel really close to remembering what happened. There’s still a few details missing, but at this point I’ve concluded that I must have looked down to adjust my radio for a minute, then I hit her. What’s missing is how she got in front of my car. After the radio part, all I remember is seeing her body hit my windshield, and then the blood, and then nothing. I don’t remember swerving to get around her, or going up on the curb to hit her, nothing like that. It drives me crazy sometimes, not knowing exactly what the chain of events was, wondering how in the hell I possibly could have been that careless. Maybe I’ll never know.

Maybe I don’t want to know.

Barney called me today with really bad news. Penny’s father is not willing to accept any type of compromise on the lawsuit. He wants his money, and he wants all of it. It doesn’t matter that the insurance company won’t pay all of it. Barney says that basically he wants to ruin me; he wants to take everything I’ve got.

I started feeling sick as he was explaining all this to me. My stomach got all tied up in knots and I wondered how things could get any worse. I looked down at Chance, who was sitting on the floor at my feet while I talked on the phone. He looked depressed again.

I envisioned the two of us, homeless after everything has been taken from me, standing on the corner at some traffic light, in the cold. Our clothes are all tattered and we’re both skin and bones from lack of food. I’m holding up a cardboard sign that says, ‘Will work for dog food.’ I don’t know whether to laugh or cry at that vision.

“What am I going to do?” I asked my attorney that I couldn’t afford.

“Why don’t you come in and see me, and we’ll talk about selling your assets,” he said.

Johnny called me today. He asked me to come over, said he had something important to talk to me about. That got my curiosity piqued; I wondered if he’d done any more thinking about taking the Captain’s exam that we talked about.

It wasn’t that. Not even close.

He couldn’t have blown me away more with what he asked me.

Johnny wants me to buy his house. He started by explaining about the lawsuit and how Penny’s father wants to sue him for everything he’s got. I was incredulous. After everything he’s been through, all the guilt and the pain, now this guy wants to take his home and all his possessions!

My first instinct was to go try to talk some sense into the guy, this Mr. Hooper. But I knew I couldn’t do that. For one thing, he’d probably try to have me arrested for harassment. But I knew Hooper couldn’t be thinking straight with his head about this. He was probably just so distraught about losing his daughter that he wanted to inflict as much harm on Johnny that he could. Still, I felt the anger boiling up inside of me.

Johnny told me that Barney suggested to him that in order to keep from losing everything, he should ‘shelter’ his assets somewhere, or in other words, give them away. If Johnny could sell his house, and give away, or ‘gift’, all his monetary assets, there wouldn’t be anything to take. The profit from the sale of the house could be ‘gifted’ to a family member, or a friend. Then later, after everything blew over, he could buy his house back from whomever he sold it to, namely me, and the money could be ‘gifted’ back to him.

I knew Johnny had no one else to turn to. He had no living family members. Yet the thought of buying his house was overwhelming. I didn’t think Joanne would be very receptive to the idea. I’d have to come up with a down payment, which Johnny said he would reimburse me for with the equity he’d get out of the house, and then he’d pay me rent to cover the mortgage. That way he wouldn’t have to move. Any other money he had, with the exception of a small amount to live off of, would be gifted to separate members of my family. That money could then be put into safe accounts until later when we would gift it back to Johnny. It would all be done without any formal paperwork guaranteeing that he would be given everything back when the lawsuit blew over. The fact that he trusted me to do that said mountains. It made me feel guilty for my hesitation.

I couldn’t deny that it made me nervous. He was making peanuts on his disability paycheck, and I knew he had a boatload of debt mounting in the form of bills from Barney, the vet, the hospital, and everything else. But I didn’t have the money for a down payment, and had no idea where I would get it. Even if I could get my hands on some cash, I would have two mortgages. What if Gage couldn’t pay the rent for some reason? I don’t have the funds to pay two mortgages. I’d have to ask him to leave and rent his house to another tenant. Or, just sell his house! What would that do to our friendship? What would happen to Johnny?

I didn’t know what to say. I was pretty stunned. I know my response sounded wishy-washy, but he’d caught me so off guard that I didn’t think it through before I said anything. Instead of saying ‘yes’ right away, without hesitation, I didn’t say anything for several seconds, then finally I came out with, “Johnny, you know if there’s any way I can help you, I will. I…I just got to talk to Joanne about it,” And, I wanted to talk to Barney as well, to see if there was any other way, but I didn’t tell Johnny that.

“Roy, the last thing I want to do is cause problems for you and your family. But Barney suggested it, and right now I don’t know what else to do.”

I looked at my friend, unable to keep from staring at the hollowness in his eyes and the desperation in his expression. Every once in a while his face would constrict a little, and I could tell he was fighting another headache. He just sat there with his dog in his lap looking more forlorn than I’d seen him since the accident. I didn’t know what to do. I had to offer him something, but I’m sure my face gave away my reservations.

He started to look uncomfortable, and he began looking around the room, like he was a trapped rat trying to find a means of escape. Suddenly, before I even had a chance to try to reassure him, he got up and nervously paced across the room.

“Johnny,” I started, ready to tell him that yes, I would help him, that I would make Joanne understand. But before I got the chance, he interrupted.

He turned to look at me apologetically, and then ran his hand through his hair like he always does when he’s upset about something. “This is insane. I don’t know what I’m thinking, asking you this. I shouldn’t have listened to Barney.” Then he turned away from me, looking kind of angrily out the window.

Now I felt really guilty. I needed to be definite about helping him. He needed someone he could count on. “Yes you should have, Johnny. And I’m gonna help you. I’ve just got to think it through a little, make sure we do this right – ”

“No. No, this is all wrong, Roy. I’m not doin’ this. Just…just forget the whole thing, okay?”

Now I stood up. “No, I’m not going to forget it. You need help. And I’m going give it to you. We’ll work it out.” It was a little too little a little too late and I felt like kicking myself.

He was adamant then. “No. I’m not gonna drag you down with me, Roy. I won’t do it. Besides, the judge is the one who’s going to have to decide this case. There’s no guaranteeing he’s gonna take Hooper’s side on this. He might think it’s too much.”

“And what if he doesn’t?” I asked.

Johnny closed his eyes and looked away. “I don’t know. I’ll have to think of something else.”

I decided not to argue with him. I would talk to Joanne and maybe get the Cap’s opinion and we’d figure out something.

Johnny sank down onto his sofa and started rubbing the back of his neck. Then he buried his face in his hand. He looked like he was in pain again.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

His eye appeared between a gap in two of his fingers and he squinted up at me. “Don’t feel good,” he said. Then he slowly stood up using the arm of the sofa for support. “I need to lay down, Roy.”

“Okay.” I followed him into his bedroom. Chance trailed along after us and jumped up on the bed next to Johnny.

Johnny rested on his right side, balancing his left arm on his hip after pushing a pillow up underneath it for support.

“Can I get you anything?” I tried.

He considered it for a minute, then answered, “Yeah. A bag of ice and the hot water bottle would be great. They’re in the bathroom.”

“Okay. Be back in a jif.” I got the ice bag and filled it with cubes and filled the water bottle with scalding water and brought it to him. He put the hot water bottle on the back of his neck and the ice bag on his head.

I sat down on the end of his bed. His eyes were closed but his face was screwed up tight and he was breathing shallowly.

“Johnny, are you still feeling this bad every day?” I hoped not, but it had been over three months since the accident, and I hadn’t been keeping as close of tabs on him as I had before. I knew I should have been since he didn’t have anyone else to look after him. I felt guilty in realizing that I’d been so lax lately. It was just so frustrating; I didn’t know what to suggest. He’d shot down every helpful idea I’d had and I’d run out of ideas. Still…

“Nah,” he said. “It just gets worse when I’m stressed out.”

Which is probably every day, I thought.

“I’ll be okay,” he said.

I thought of something then that might make him feel better. I knew it would do no good to suggest the nerve blocks again. “Hey, Johnny; have you ever thought about getting a massage? They say it does wonders for headaches. Maybe it would loosen up your muscles. That would have to be good for your whiplash, wouldn’t it?”

He glanced over at me with a grimace. “Roy, I don’t have the money for that.”

“Well couldn’t it be part of your physical therapy? I mean, don’t they do that at the hospital?”

“Roy, my physical therapist is a guy. I wouldn’t feel comfortable having a guy rubbing my back.”

I couldn’t blame him for that, even though typically most masseuses are men. “Well maybe Monica could give you a back rub.”

Johnny was silent for a long moment, then said, “Don’t think so, Roy. I haven’t seen her in weeks.” His tone was flat.

Oh boy. Another breakup. He’d never mentioned anything about it, which was so unlike him. I should have known when he didn’t talk about her.

A big sigh sort of unleashed itself from my chest. I felt really bad for him. Although I didn’t have to wonder too deep to figure out what had happened. The accident must have been too much for their relationship. I just hoped it wasn’t her that dumped him. If I had to guess though I would have said that it wasn’t her that gave up on him, more likely it was him that gave up on the relationship.

What should I say? Should I ask? Probably. It didn’t look like he was in the mood for any lengthy explanations, but I thought I should at least ask in case he did want to talk about it. “What happened?” I asked as gently as I could.

He sighed. “I don’t want to talk about it,” he answered dully, closing his eyes.

My mind was clearer when I woke up a couple of hours later. Now I was mad at myself for asking Roy to do such an outrageous thing. Buy my house! What was I thinking? I can’t believe I put him on the spot like that. I mean, what was he supposed to say? No?

I could tell he wanted to say yes but couldn’t. Of course he couldn’t. Where the hell did I think he was going to get the money to put a down payment on my house? Even if I pay him back right away he’s still got to get his hands on the money. Jeez. I guess I’m so desperate I’m not thinking straight. I can’t believe I was willing to put Roy in that position just to save my ass. I probably just made him feel guilty. He’s the king of guilt.

No wait.

I’ve got that crown now.

As soon as I make a pot of coffee and wake up a little I’m going to call him and apologize.

I made my coffee and came up with a new game plan. I decided I could just sell my house to someone else, then take the equity and the profit and gift that to Roy and his family members. He could keep it safe in an account for me until all this blew over, then gift it back to me. It was a much better solution that didn’t involve hardship for my best friend. I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me before. I guess I was being selfish. I wanted to be able to keep my house and I figured if Roy bought it then later I could buy it back. I guess it wasn’t meant to be.

After I’d made that decision I began thinking about leaving here and that kind of got me down. I really liked this house. I’d put a lot of work into it. I’d planned on staying here for years, maybe some day buying a horse or two. It would be hard to move out. But when I thought of it logically, I knew I couldn’t stay here anyway. It was too far out. Even bus fare from here was getting expensive, and the bus stop was a hike. I needed to move somewhere closer to town, or closer to wherever I was going to end up working. That is, if I’m ever well enough to go back to work. For once I can’t wait to go back to the doctor next week to get checked out. God I hope they take this cast off so I can start therapy.

I called Roy and apologized, or tried to; he didn’t want to hear it and seemed adamant that he was going to help me. When I told him about plan B, where I would just sell my house, I could hear the relief in his voice even though he tried hard to disguise it. Even so, he was still concerned that I would lose my home. After that, he insisted that he was going to find a way to work this out. I told him then that I’d have to move anyway, since I’m not driving. I’ve got to be closer to a bus station, or better yet, closer to whatever station I’m going to end up working at.

The bad thing is, and I certainly didn’t mention this to Roy, that I might have to move twice. I need to sell the house right away so I can get my money out, which means moving quickly. But then if I get placed in a station farther away, I’ll have to move again. I don’t look forward to that, but there isn’t anything I can do about it. I’d have to find a place where I can rent month to month and not get stuck for a year. Jeez, who’ll rent to me when they see my credit report?

After I got off the phone with Roy, I called the realtor who’d sold me this house so that I could get it listed. He was more than happy to oblige me. I thought of something then that I hadn’t thought of before: closing costs and the realtor’s commission. If Roy would buy my house, I can avoid the realtor’s fee. Hopefully I can make that up in profit. I’ve made quite a few improvements to the house, so I’m keeping my fingers crossed that I’ll make a nice profit on it.

I took Chance back to the vet today. Jane gave me a ride this time. She’d called to see how I was doing and offered. She wanted to know how things were going, and I told her about having to sell my house and all. As usual, she pointed out the positives to me, and we talked again about what I should be grateful for. I’ll tell you one thing I’m grateful for, and that’s her. Every time I’m around her, she lifts up my spirits.

They took Chance’s cast off today. The vet was pleased with his progress and said she wanted to see him again in a month unless he had any other problems. So we left, and I figured that at least now I was probably done with the vet bills.

I’d been teaching Chance some tricks, and when I got home I showed them to Jane. He could fetch, and sit up, and stay when I commanded him. She was thrilled, and we both noticed how much more lively Chance was than a few weeks ago.

He barked today for the first time since I’d found him, and until then it hadn’t even occurred to me how quiet he was. It seemed like a happy bark, and I finally realized that all the positive thinking and positive reinforcement I’d been bestowing on him was really working. He was turning into a different dog.

I think it was beginning to help me too. I’d begun to notice that when I concentrated on him and making him happy instead of all my problems that I kinda felt happier too. And my pain level went down. Some of that I attributed to the fact that time was simply healing my body, but still, I couldn’t discount what Jane had said and what she’d promised would happen if I just change my attitude. It was freaky but I wasn’t gonna question it.

I’ve got everything worked out. Actually, it was Joanne’s idea. I’d come home from talking to Johnny about selling his house and rather reluctantly told my wife about his idea, telling her almost in the same breath that Johnny had changed his mind. I was really surprised at her reaction. I mean, her eyes got a little wide at first when I told her that Johnny’s idea was for us to buy his house, but she didn’t get upset at all. Being the penny pincher that she is, I expected her mouth to drop open in incredulity, followed by a ‘honey, you know I love Johnny and would do anything for him, but we can’t afford to buy his house.’ At first, she just let it go, knowing that Johnny had changed his mind about us helping him. Then later that evening, she came up to me all excited and told me that she had an idea.

Joanne’s sister, Eileen, happens to be married to a doctor. A cardiologist, to be exact. They’re quite wealthy, and Joanne thought it would be no problem for them to come up with the money. In fact, she was sure her sister would want to help.

Eileen had always had a little ‘thing’ for Johnny, though she’d never admit it to anyone, least of all her husband. I guess it was sort of an innocent crush; she thought he was ‘hot’, in her words. Joanne had told me that one time with the promise never to mention it to anyone, especially Johnny. I never would, and never did, knowing it probably would have embarrassed the hell out of Johnny. The point is, she likes him, and her husband is a really nice guy, so Joanne felt certain she could count on Eileen. She called her that evening, and after talking it over with her husband, they agreed to loan us the money to buy Johnny’s house. As soon as we closed, Johnny could pay us the down payment from his equity, and we’d pay back Eileen and Dick.

They even offered to buy the house themselves, but I didn’t feel entirely comfortable with that. It’s not that I don’t trust them, but I feel like the less involvement they have, the better. Besides, I didn’t think Johnny would go for it. He’s met Eileen and her husband quite a few times, but I thought he’d be uncomfortable with that arrangement.

It was bad enough that Johnny was now broke and in debt. That in itself was an embarrassment to him; I knew from little things he’d said. Having Eileen and her husband bail him out, and then have to pay rent to them would be humiliating for him, and I was sure he’d say no to that. It would be a hard sell as it was to convince Johnny to let us help him, but I was determined to try.

I’ve got a “For Sale” sign in my yard now. The realtor had it out there within two hours of my call the other day. He says he wants to show the house to someone this weekend. It’s a good thing; the sooner I sell it the better.

Barney called and told me that the court date has been set. It’s in thirty days.

I started to sweat when he told me that. Thirty days. In one month I have to face the possibility of having to lose everything I own, and face Mr. Hooper again. How am I going to look him in the eye? Should I try to apologize to him this time? I don’t know if I want to get that close to him. I don’t need more bruises.

Every time Barney mentions anything about Penny’s father it invokes the same feelings in me. First I start feeling sick to my stomach, then the guilt just…grabs me by my throat and practically chokes me.

There’s no news yet on the other lawsuit. Barney feels more confident that Goldstein will be willing to settle out of court, but we’ll have to wait and see.

Four weeks. I looked out my window at the ‘For Sale’ sign. How am I ever going to get my house sold that quickly?

I called Johnny at the end of my next shift. I wanted to come over and talk to him about the house situation. It wasn’t something I wanted to do on the phone. He said, ‘Sure, c’mon over,’ so I picked up a box of donuts and was there by eight-thirty that morning. The ‘For Sale’ sign in his yard startled me, and it just reminded me of how crazy and out of hand this whole situation has gotten. What a nightmare this has been for Johnny. Hopefully after he hears what I have to say he’ll remove that sign.

Johnny looked tired when he answered the door, but there weren’t too many occasions these days when Johnny didn’t look tired. He’d already brewed a pot of coffee, and since it was a nice morning, we headed out onto his deck with a couple of cups and the box of donuts. He really appreciated the donuts.

It had rained over night and the deck was still wet. Johnny went to get some towels to dry off his lounge chairs, which we then settled into.

The birds were singing and the air actually smelled fresh from the rain. I loved Johnny’s deck; he had a wonderful view of the foothills, along with lots of trees, and it was so peaceful. It was nice to enjoy some quiet for a change. I thought about how unfair it was going to be if he had to leave this place.

We ate in quiet for a while, just enjoying the serenity. I was trying to think of a way to bring up the house subject when Gage asked, “So what brings you by?” around a mouthful of donut. Nothing like being thrown into the fire. I don’t know why I was nervous, but I was.

I decided to start in a sort of roundabout way. “I see you’ve got realtor,” I commented.

Gage sighed. “Yeah.” He looked at me. “Barney called me the other day. Court date is set for twenty-eight days. I figured I’d better get on it asap.”

I couldn’t help but grimace as I looked at him. Lines of stress pulled at the features on his face. It had been what, four months now since the accident? Four months of almost constant physical and emotional struggle for Johnny.

Yet it just now dawned on me how well he’d handled it all. He hadn’t fallen apart. He’d continued on, doggedly, day by day. And I guess what really struck me more than anything was that through all of it he’d rarely complained. That was so unlike him it was almost scary.

But maybe he hadn’t handled things as well as I thought. How could I know what things were like for him while he was alone? It must have been hell, having to learn to live with this by himself, with no one there to comfort him…well, Johnny has me and all his friends, who’ve been more than willing to support him, but he hasn’t taken us up on our offers very often. And we certainly haven’t been able to be with him through all the hours of the day. Or night.

If this had happened to me, I would have Joanne and the kids to help me get through it. Johnny’s been pretty much alone through it all.

I decided then to just lay it on him, and told him about my plan. At first he looked a little perturbed, and I suspect it was because of the fact that we’d told Jo’s sister and husband about his situation. Then he just started shaking his head and said, “I told you Roy, I’m not gonna do this.”

“Johnny – ”

“Look Roy, I appreciate it; I really do. But I don’t want you involved. I’m going to let the realtor sell my house.”

I had to pull out all my guns now. “Johnny, it’s a done deal. They’ve already given us the money. It was deposited into our account today. I even called Barney for you, and he’s got an attorney in his office who can handle the closing for us cheap. No points. No commission.”

His mouth dropped open slightly then and he looked kind of stunned. He looked away like he was considering it and when he looked back at me, I knew I’d won him over.

After a long silence he finally asked, “Are you sure you want to do this?”

“I always wanted to be a landlord,” I said nonchalantly.

He looked down at his abandoned donut on the plate in his lap. “I…I don’t know what to say.”

He looked touched, I mean, really moved, and it made me feel good. Finally. Finally there was something I could do to help him. “Just say ‘okay’.”

Johnny was blinking when he looked back at me. It was an emotional moment, and I could tell what it meant to him. You know, if we’d been two women, we would have been hugging each other right now, but being the macho kind of guys that we are, that kind of thing just doesn’t happen, even though it’s probably exactly what Johnny needed. Instead, I reached out and patted him once on the shoulder, (his good one), and said, “Hey, everything’s gonna work out.” It was enough.

He was kind of choked up when he responded. “I…thanks. I don’t know what else to say, except thank you.”

“It’s no problem. I’m just glad it worked out and I can finally do something to help you.”

His brows crinkled together. “What do you mean, finally? Roy, you’ve given me more help than I ever had the right to expect from anyone.”

I just looked at him, disheartened that he felt that way.

“Now there’s where you’re wrong, Johnny. Only fair weather friends stand by you when things are only good. True friends are there when the times are tough too. You’ve been there for me plenty of times. It goes both ways you know.”

Johnny just nodded. “I don’t want you to think I’m not grateful. I am. But this…this is a lot to ask, Roy.”

“You’re not asking. I’m offering. Now let’s get the details settled. Why don’t you call Barney and set up an appointment with that attorney?”

He nodded again, still seeming sort of dazed. I gave him my work schedule and he said he would call and let me know when he had it scheduled.

I stuck around the rest of the morning and we talked. It was the first time in a long time that we’d had a really upbeat conversation. I filled him in on what Joanne and the kids had been doing and even things at work. I told him I’d been working a lot of shifts with Brad Hughes. Johnny had worked with him before the accident and had been really impressed with him.

Talking about that brought back conversations about past rescues and we did a lot of catching up and reminiscing. I was hoping it would give him the desire to want to come back to work, but I think it actually sort of depressed him. He got quiet all of a sudden and I was hard pressed to get him to contribute to our conversation. I was starting to wonder if he wasn’t feeling good again when he suddenly got up and started showing me the tricks he’d taught his dog. Talk about an abrupt change of topics.

I can’t believe what Roy’s done for me. He actually borrowed the money from his sister-in-law to help me out. That blows me away – that Roy thinks that much of me to go to this end to help me. He’s going to have to go through all the bullshit of applying for another mortgage, and all the scrutiny over his finances because of it. I just hope he doesn’t regret it. 

I wish it hadn’t had to been Joanne’s sister though. I guess there really wasn’t any other choice, but Roy probably told her and her husband everything about me and all my problems. All because I wasn’t paying attention that night. How’m I ever gonna look them in the eye again and not be ashamed?

 On the other hand, I am really relieved that I’ll be able to get my house back – hopefully – even though right now I don’t know how I’m gonna continue to live here after I go back to work. At least it buys me some time to figure things out, and I don’t have to move out right away. It doesn’t look like I’m going to be going back to work anytime soon anyway.

Despite the fact that everything seems like it’s going to work out, I’m extremely nervous.

There are so many what-ifs. What if the bank won’t loan Roy the money to buy the house? Even with the twenty percent deposit he’s borrowed from Dick and Eileen, the bank might not feel he earns enough to make two mortgage payments.

What if I can’t go back to work for some reason? I’m not exactly healing rapidly. If I can’t find work, I’ll never be able to buy my house back. I won’t be able to get a loan. Roy’ll be stuck with my house, then he’ll have to sell it.

What if the department decides that after reviewing the details of my accident I’m too much of a liability to keep me employed? What will I do to earn a living?

What if this ends up ruining me and Roy’s friendship?

I try to keep telling myself to be grateful, like Jane says.

Still, I can’t help thinking sometimes that it might have been better if I’d been the one killed in the accident instead of Penny.

Jane would be really upset with me right now if she knew I felt that way.

Things are all set. Joanne and I have applied for the mortgage and all the paperwork is done. We should hear something by the end of the week and then we can go ahead and schedule the closing. It’s going to be really close, trying to get this done before Johnny has to go to court, but the attorney at Barney’s office assured us we’d meet the deadline.

I wish Johnny didn’t have to go through this. There’s no way of knowing how the judge is going to rule, but this seems to be the only way to protect Johnny from losing everything.

He’s already lost enough.

He still maintains he won’t be going back to the paramedic program, so the career that he loves is gone. Sure, he can still be a firefighter and rescue man, but being a paramedic was really defining for Johnny. It’s going to be hard for him to stand by and watch others treat the people he rescues and not be able to do anything.

What’s so frustrating is that it doesn’t have to be this way. If he could find a way to get past his fear of driving, he could go back to the job he loves. But I don’t argue with him about it because I think I would feel the same way. I can’t imagine what it would be like not being able to drive the rest of my life. For a man, it would be demeaning, not to mention inconvenient.

His self-esteem and self-worth are pretty much in the toilet these days. There’s not a whole lot any of us can do about that, but if we can at least help him hold on to some items of comfort such as his house and a little money to live off of, then that’s at least something. I hope to God that someday he gets back that old Gage self-assurance and confidence.

I have noted one positive change in John over the past couple of weeks. The pain from his accident seems to have eased up and Johnny’s mood doesn’t seem to be as dark. I don’t know what caused the change in attitude, maybe just time dulling things or the fact that he’s feeling better physically, or a combination of both. Whatever it is, I hope it continues and he can eventually put this behind him and try to live his life in peace. Until then, I won’t give up on him, whether he likes it or not.

I finally got my cast off today. After the latest round of x-rays it was determined that my left humerus, while not completely rejoined, is showing enough signs of growth and union that they felt the cast could come off. Now I’ve got to wear a brace, but it’s not as bad as the cast. At least I can take it off at night.

The pain in my arm has eased up too. The almost constant throbbing has diminished to just now and then during the day. I can lift my arm up much higher now and although it’s painful when I do, the physical therapist says it will get better. The problem is that now my arm is all shriveled and the muscle tone is completely gone. It looks awful. I’m gonna have to work my butt off to get it back the way it was. Considering the fact that lifting even a ten-pound weight is almost more than I can handle I’d say I have a pretty good challenge ahead of me.

The headaches are better too; some days it doesn’t hurt at all, and others I can usually get relief with the Ibuprofen. My neck and back still ache, but not as bad.

Sleep still eludes me. I don’t think I’ve slept a full night once since the accident. It makes me kind of loopy and on a lot of days I have trouble focusing. Oh well; it doesn’t matter that much because I don’t have much to focus on these days. On the nights when I just can’t fall asleep I still have Mr. Beam, although he’s been staying in the cupboard more and more lately. Jim’s a great friend at night, not so great in the morning.

I have a lot of time on my hands so I’ve been volunteering at the animal shelter. They desperately need people to help and they rely almost solely on volunteers. It’s a really good cause so I decided to give some of my time, which I have a lot of these days.

At first I thought it would be too hard to go in there and see the animals all in cages waiting for homes, but I think what outweighs that is how much the poor critters appreciate the attention they get.

I don’t do much physical stuff yet but after a couple training sessions I’ve been able to help out with the adoptions. I never realized how much you have to scrutinize the people who adopt animals. But it’s a good thing. They just want to make sure the animal gets a good home and hopefully won’t get returned for some reason. I also help Jane with the meds. I always take Chance with me. He seems to be feeling better and likes being around the other dogs.

Getting involved in something has been a good distraction to get my mind off everything. One of the things Jane told me when I first unloaded all my problems on her was that I needed something to get involved in. She said it would help both my physical pain and metal attitude, and she was right. It’s helped. She’s been right about so many things.

What’s amazed me the most is how powerful your mind can be if you let it. I never would have believed that just thinking a certain way could have so much impact on my life, and not only on my own, but on others. It’s even affected Chance; I’m sure of it. I haven’t completely mastered it yet; I still have lots of times when I feel really bleak about things and I struggle with thinking positive thoughts. Those are usually the times when I’m feeling crappy or when I think about Penny. But I’m trying.

The people here at the shelter are a great group. They’re kind of like a big family, and they all socialize together. They’ve invited me out with them different times and I’ve always made an excuse not to go, but I think next time I will, especially now that I’m feeling a little better. Nobody here, except Jane, knows my story, which is fine with me. Less pressure.

The best part of being a part of the shelter is seeing the animals go home with a new person or family.

It’s nice to feel like I’m doing something useful again.

I’ve decided to keep Chance. Actually I think my heart decided that a long time ago. It just took my head a while to catch up. I still can’t afford him any more than I could before, but he’s so much a part of my life now that I can’t imagine living without him. It’s nice to have a companion who doesn’t judge or nag you, who’s always happy to see you, doesn’t care what you look like, and likes you no matter what. He’s a great dog. I guess there’s always the chance that things could go bad and I could end up living on the street, but I don’t think that’ll happen. If it does, I’ve got a feeling that I could count on Jane to take him in. After all, what’s one more dog when you’ve got eight?

I think about work all the time now, and wonder how long it’ll be before I can go back. Then I think, go back to what? I can’t be a paramedic anymore. I won’t drive. I can’t. It’s too big a risk. And I certainly don’t expect that anyone would want to get in the squad or any vehicle with me while I’m driving. I wouldn’t. Which means I’ve got to go back to hauling hose.

It’s not what I want to do, but I guess it’s the price I’m going to have to pay. I should be satisfied with it; it’s what I started out to do anyway with my career. And I can still do rescues.

It’s going to be a hard change. If only that blasted accident hadn’t been my fault, maybe I’d take Roy’s advice and try for Captain. But I still feel the same way. I wouldn’t feel right about it. I guess I just wouldn’t feel very Captainly after what I’ve done. But I need to be grateful. I could have been paralyzed or crippled or even killed in that accident, so I need to be appreciative that I can work – someday. I hope.

No.

I know I will.

I haven’t been by the station since the accident. Thinking about going makes me nervous. I guess it’s the thought of facing all the guys at once. I know that probably sounds ridiculous.

I’ve seen them all occasionally; they’ve all stopped by to see me at one time or another. All of them have been supportive of me, but I can’t help wondering what they really think of me. My carelessness is responsible for someone’s death. How can anyone even look at me and not think about that every time they see me? How does Roy do it?

I’m thinking about Penny again and I’m getting that same queasy feeling in my stomach. God, I wonder if life is going to be this difficult forever. I never did go see that shrink. Maybe I should. I don’t know. Maybe this is just the way things are gonna be. Maybe some day I’ll be able to wake up in the morning and not have Penny’s death be the first thing I think of. I can’t imagine that.

The court date is in one week. Roy is scheduled to close on my house in three days and everything seems to be going along smoothly.

Chance and I went out for a walk this morning and I heard the phone ringing just as I was coming in the door. For some reason, I immediately tensed up, sensing bad news. I must be clairvoyant. I answered it and it was Barney. I knew it, I thought.

Talking to Barney causes a Pavlovian response in me. No, I don’t start salivating. But every time the phone rings and I hear his voice, adrenalin goes shooting through my body and my stomach starts doing flip-flops. Then I start to feel light-headed and my ears ring. This time was no different.

“John?” he said. “I’ve got some news.”

            Great. Can’t wait to hear it. “What is it?” I hear my voice say very weakly.

            “Well, what I’m about to tell you is going to change everything.” He sounded kind of hesitant. Barney never sounded hesitant. It scared me. “Are you sitting down?” he asks me.

‘Sitting down’?

Oh my God.

I think I’m gonna throw up.

I could hear my heart thudding in my ears.

What could it possibly be? I don’t want to know. The thought crossed my mind the slam down the phone and run, but instead the receiver seemed to be glued to my hand. I couldn’t even move. I started to sweat, trying to prepare myself for what he might say. My mouth was so dry I could hardly speak. “I…just tell me Barney.”

“Okay. John, we have new evidence in the Hooper case.”

Oh no. This is it. They’ve got proof now that my negligence killed her. Or worse, what if they’ve got something on me that could put me in jail?

What could it be?  Did I even want to know?  I did and I didn’t. Maybe it would be good to find out once and for all exactly what happened. Although by now I thought I knew the sequence of events.  I’d taken my eyes off the road and somehow missed seeing her and hit her.  Then I –

“John? You still there?” Barney’s voice jolted me from my thoughts.

“Uh, yeah. What…what evidence are ya talking about, Barney?” I held my breath, gripping the wall for support. What he said next was something I’d never have expected in a million years.

I heard Barney take a deep breath.

He said, “A suicide note has been found, written by Penny Hooper. It’s dated the same day as your accident.”
            Suicide note? What is he talking about?

There was a pause while Barney let me absorb that. Then when I didn’t say anything, he continued. “The accident wasn’t your fault, John. She killed herself. She threw herself in front of your car. On purpose.”

My ears are ringing again. My response was a delayed reaction.

WHAT?

Did I hear that right?

He just said that Penny’s death was a suicide. That she killed herself.

My mind was reeling in disbelief, not comprehending how this could be. “What? But…how…she…I don’t understand,” I practically babbled incoherently. My stomach was in my throat; I was too afraid to hope that this could be the truth, that maybe I wasn’t at fault.

“Let me explain in more detail.” I could hear the smile in Barney’s voice.

I was shaking as I gripped the phone. I felt a drop of sweat run down the side of my face.

“A new tenant just moved into the apartment that Penny Hooper rented. It’s a furnished apartment, so the new tenant is using that same furniture that Miss Hooper used while she lived there. Well, the new tenant was moving the furniture so that she could clean under it and discovered a note that the Hooper girl had written. Apparently it had slipped under the sofa and wasn’t discovered until now. When she read the note, she turned it over to the police.”

Barney continued. “The note is a farewell to her father and family. In it, she apologizes for what she’s about to do, meaning kill herself, John, and apologizes to whomever might get in her way while doing so – meaning you. Now the police have already talked to her father and he’s identified the handwriting as being hers. They also had a handwriting expert analyze it and he’s confirmed that it is indeed her writing, and her fingerprints are on the paper. It’s pretty much a cut and dry case at this point, John. I’m just glad I’m able to give you this news.”

I was stunned. My knees buckled and I folded myself into the chair next to the phone. “You’re…you’re sure?” was all I managed to say.

“Absolutely. John, you’re off the hook. All charges against you have been dropped. And – Penny’s father has withdrawn his lawsuit.”

I sat there in disbelief. I felt light, almost dizzy as relief slid off my shoulders in giant waves. “I don’t believe this,” I said. “Why is it that it’s taken this long to find this out?”

“There was never any reason to suspect that this wasn’t just an accident, so her apartment was never searched. The landlord hasn’t been able to rent it until now, so it’s been empty since her death. We’re just lucky that the new tenant reported this, otherwise, we might never have known.”

I took a deep breath, trying to collect my thoughts. This was incredible. I felt in shock. “So…now what do I do?”

“Well, I’d stop that real estate deal if it hasn’t already gone through. I’ll be talking to Mr. Goldstein’s attorney, and I’m sure he’ll be dropping his lawsuit against you now that he doesn’t have a case. As far as anything else goes, I think you and I should start discussing your own lawsuit against Mr. Hooper.”

That one came out of left field. I had no clue what he was getting at. “My own lawsuit? What for?”

“The pain and suffering that he’s caused you. The accusations, detriment to character – ”

It took a minute for what Barney was saying to sink in. Sue Mr. Hooper? It sounded ludicrous to me. How could I do that to a guy after he’s just lost his daughter? I thought about it for about a half a second even as I remembered the day outside the courtroom when he laid into me and what that had cost me. Then I remembered his face, and the terrible despair I’d seen there and there was no question in my mind about it.  I didn’t care what kind of guy he was; I wasn’t going to do that to him. Barney was going on and I interrupted him. “No.”

There was a pause. “Now before you say no, you ought to think about it, John. He’s caused you a great deal of anguish; it might have even affected your ability to get well. Because of his daughter, you were severely injured; hell, you might have ongoing medical problems because of it, problems that could affect the rest of your life. It could affect your job – no one knows better than I do what kind of shape you have to be in to be a firefighter, John, and the fact remains that you’re going to have to go through a lot to rehabilitate yourself in order to get back to work. You lost your car, almost lost your home, nearly lost your LIFE, went into debt. I think those are some very good reasons for a lawsuit.”

“Yeah, but Barney, it wasn’t his fault what his daughter did.”

“True enough. But his lawsuit against you has smeared your character and caused a great deal of emotional pain. That in itself is justification.”
            I hesitated, taking in what he’d said. Yes, it was true that Mr. Hooper had caused all the things Barney had said, but I had to wonder, was Barney suggesting this for my benefit, or for his?

It didn’t feel right to me. It felt…dirty, and I didn’t want that kind of dirt on my hands. The guy lost his daughter, for cryin’ out loud. Maybe punishing me was the only way he felt he could get any justice for losing her.

I wondered how he felt now.

“No,” I repeated again firmly. “I don’t want to do that, Barney. He’s gonna have to deal with his daughter killing herself, not to mention his own conscience. I think that’ll be punishment enough for him.”

There was a long pause. “Okay. Any way you want it, John. I respect you for that. But let me say one last thing. I think I can convince him to at least pay your attorney fees and possibly any hospital bills you have. I think, given the circumstances, he’ll jump at the chance to do that much in order to avoid a lawsuit.”

I sighed. I couldn’t argue with him there. I really did need to get out of debt. But I wondered if Mr. Hooper could afford it. Barney assured me that he had a generous income, so I didn’t feel too guilty about pursuing that. I told him that would be fine, and we finally hung up.

I sat there for a long time, feeling kinda numb. It hadn’t really hit me yet. I finally got up and went outside with Chance to sit on my deck and think.

I didn’t kill her. It wasn’t my fault. The relief from knowing that hit me like a ton of bricks. I actually felt myself sagging as the knowledge took effect, like a drug. I shook my head in amazement at this turn of events.

I felt so many things at once. I was elated, sad, and angry simultaneously. But mostly elated. Not having to bear the burden of being responsible for someone’s death felt like being set free after being chained up for four months. I had this lightness, this incredible feeling of hope that I’d been given my life back.

I shuddered to think that it might not have happened. The new tenant might have just thrown that suicide note away, then no one would have ever found out the truth. That thought scared the hell out of me.

The more I thought about it though, the angrier I got.

I’ve always hated suicide, hated that people did that to themselves and to others. Because it never seemed like the ones doing it thought about the casualties they left in their wake. Penny had a father and a sister. Didn’t she think about how they would feel? And what about me? I’ve spent the last four months beating myself up over this. I’d actually wished it had been me who’d gotten killed. It seemed she never even gave a thought to my life and what it would do to me. How selfish can you get?

Not only that, but I could have been killed. The pain I’ve gone through has been excruciating, worse I think than any other accident I’ve had. And I’ve still got a long way to go to get completely healed. Barney was certainly right about that. When I think of what she put me through, man, it pisses me off.

The anger went away quickly when I started thinking about Penny from her perspective. What was her life like? How bad must it have been that she felt she couldn’t get through another day? I know what depression is about; I’ve been through it a time or two in my life, although I’ve never thought about killing myself. I guess it must be awful to feel that hopeless. Where was her father through all this? Didn’t he know what was going on? Didn’t he know that his daughter was so unhappy?

I wonder what it was she was so unhappy about. I shiver when I think what must have gone through her mind when she jumped out in front of my car.

I’ve got some idea of what it felt like, although it was far worse for her than it was for me that time, obviously. When I got hit, it took me by surprise. I didn’t have more than a second to think about the consequences. Penny had it planned. She’d had to think about it beforehand. I can’t imagine that.

A couple of weeks ago I finally remembered the accident. I mean, everything that happened. It came to me kind of quietly, like a person who had been hiding in the shadows of a building and then stepped out into the sunlight. I wouldn’t call it earth-shattering; it was more like someone had reached inside my head and flipped on a light switch.

At the time I wasn’t even thinking about it; it just came to me out of the blue. I was sitting on my deck drinking a cup of coffee with Chance when it just sort of played itself out in my mind. I remembered driving, on my way to Monica’s, in the pouring rain. It was really dark and hard to see. I was listening to music. I reached down to lower the volume, couldn’t have been more than two seconds that I took my eyes away from the road, and when I looked up, I saw a person right in front of my car. I remember slamming on the brakes, then spinning, but I know I hit her before my foot made it to the floor. A few seconds later I crashed into something, a light pole I guess, and then everything was still. I’ll never forget the sickening feeling that came over me when I realized that I’d hit a person, knowing that person was very likely dead. It was indescribably awful. Even thinking about it now sends a shiver down my spine.

I remember sitting there in the dark in my car as all that was registering, knowing that I needed to get out and see what I’d done, yet I’m ashamed to admit was too panicked to even move. The last thing I remember was seeing the headlights of another car coming straight at me. After that, I don’t recall anything until I woke up at Rampart the next morning.

The thing that hadn’t made sense until now was the fact that I didn’t remember swerving or going up on the curb, so I couldn’t figure out how I had hit her. It never occurred to me that she had stepped out in front of me; all this time I’d thought I had somehow lost control of my car and gone up on the sidewalk. Now it all makes sense. Now I’ve finally got that last piece of the puzzle.

Even though everything is clear now, I find I don’t quite know how to feel. It seems like I should be happy, celebrating even. Why don’t I feel that way? Everything feels so jumbled up inside. I need to call Roy. Maybe he can put things in perspective for me.

I can’t believe the news that Johnny called me with today. Thank God this came out in the open and Johnny’s been vindicated. Now maybe my partner can get on with his life and quit feeling guilty, and – be my partner again. I hope.

“Hey, that’s great news!” I was enthusiastic.

“Yeah, yeah…it is,” he said very unenthusiastically.

I took the receiver away from my head for a moment and stared at it, wondering if it was really Johnny on the other end of the line or an imposter. Even throughout the telling of the news he sounded awfully subdued. Maybe he was just still in shock over it all. It was a lot to take in.

“I knew it wasn’t your fault.” I didn’t have to force the conviction in my voice. It came through without effort.

I’d felt all along that the accident had to be caused by something other than just carelessness on Johnny’s part.  When you’ve worked as a fireman and paramedic as long as we have, you develop quick reflexes. Being aware of everything around you becomes an unconscious habit and you learn to react to situations almost immediately. Johnny’s no different. If anything, I’d say he’s sometimes more keen to notice things than a lot of us are. Except when it comes to Chet’s pranks, of course. But on the job, Johnny seems to have a sixth sense about things. That’s why I had a hard time believing that Johnny could have lost control of his Rover, gone up on the curb, and hit that girl.

There was a hesitation before he answered, then came a very uncertain, “Thanks, Roy.”

Alarms went off in my head. He’s still feeling guilty. “You know that, don’t you? It wasn’t your fault.”

There was too long a pause.

“Johnny…”

Then, “Yeah. Yeah, I know, Roy.”

I relaxed a little. “Then what’s wrong?” I asked.

“Nothing. It’s just…”

“It’s just what?”

I heard him sigh. “It’s just…Roy, I never told you this, but…I remember what happened.”

That surprised me. It surprised me that he wouldn’t have mentioned it to me. “You do? When did your memory come back?”

“A few weeks ago.”
            “And?”

“And…Roy, just before I…the impact, I took my eyes off the road. I looked down to change the volume on my radio.”

Now I sighed as he continued, knowing where this was going.

“If I hadn’t been looking away, maybe I would have seen her. Maybe I could have avoided her. I don’t know…”

I had to set him straight. “Johnny, listen to me. The fact that you may have looked down at your radio for a second has nothing to do with it. There’s no one with a driver’s license that doesn’t glance away from the road from time to time. She jumped. In – front – of – your – car. It was raining, and dark and you were going close to fifty miles per hour. There’s no way you could have avoided that.”

“I don’t know…”

“Well, I do. Look – ”

Damn! The tones went off. “I’ll call you later,” I said hastily, cursing the timing, then hung up.

After I talked to Roy, I puttered around the house for a while, trying to decide what to do. All of a sudden I remembered I needed to call the attorney about canceling the closing, so I did that.

I thought about what Roy said and it made me feel a little better. But still, I had doubts over whether I could have prevented the whole thing. I wished I could have talked longer with Roy.

Jane was one person whose input I had really come to value, so I called her. She actually jumped in her car and came over to see me.

Like Roy, she was really relieved for me. And, like Roy, she could tell right away that I had reservations about my guilt. It didn’t take her long to straighten me out.

One thing she pointed out that I hadn’t thought of was that if I hadn’t hit Penny, someone else would have. She would have jumped in front of the next guy’s car – probably the guy that ended up hitting me. His car was much smaller than mine. He might not have survived that accident, she said. Then there’d be two dead people.

Like always, Jane asserted that even though a very bad thing had happened, some good things had come from it.

I kind of snorted at that and said, “Good? What good could have possibly come out of this? Penny’s dead, her father’s distraught, and I’m still trying to mend my broken bones. I’m in debt up to my eyeballs, my car’s totaled and I’m not even sure I’m gonna be able to return to work.”

She gave me sort of an impertinent smile and explained. “Well, first of all, if you hadn’t had the accident, you wouldn’t have been there to rescue Chance because you wouldn’t have been riding the bus that day. That means Chance probably would have died.”

I’d never thought of that. But how could you rationalize trading a person’s life for an animal’s? Maybe it was just that there wasn’t any rationalization to be found. It just happened. I looked down at Chance, who was sitting by my feet, and my heart lurched a little bit when I imagined him lying at the side of the road dying with no one to help him.

“Second,” she went on, “you and I wouldn’t have met each other if it hadn’t happened. Both of us would be short a friend. Third, if you hadn’t rescued Chance and we hadn’t met, you wouldn’t have started volunteering at the shelter. You wouldn’t have been available to all those animals who need you. Should I go on?”

I smiled, feeling better by the second. “No,” I said. “I get the point. You know, you’re right, as usual.”

“And about your car – ”

“Hey, I said you didn’t have to go on. I said you were right.”

She continued as if I hadn’t said anything. “So what if it’s wrecked. It’s time you got a new one anyway. It was a ’69 right?”

“Yeah,” I chuckled. I didn’t totally agree with her on that one. Losing my Rover was like losing an old friend, but I didn’t argue with her because I knew she’d find some way to bring things back around to her side.

The good thing was, she’d made me see things from a different perspective. And I finally began to realize that she was right.

“You’ve got a second chance now, Johnny. Use it.” She winked at me. “No pun intended.”

I found my face doing something it hadn’t done in a long time.

Smiling.

“I think I will,” I said.

I never did get the chance to call Johnny back that day. We had one run after another. But I called him in the morning and he invited me over for coffee. He sounded a lot better than he had the day before.

He was better. I don’t know what transformation had taken place over night, but I can honestly say that for the first time in a long time Johnny seemed at peace. The stress in his face had relaxed and he even joked around with me a little.

We talked some about him returning to work and he told me that it would still probably be another two or three months before his arm would be healed enough and strong enough to come back. Hearing him say the words ‘come back’ made me wonder if he was referring to Station 51, and so I chanced asking him, hoping that’s what he’d meant and that we’d be partners again. He looked a little uncertain, like he’d been caught saying something he hadn’t intended to reveal, but finally he conceded that yes, if things went well with his recovery, he thought he’d like to come back to 51’s – ‘if I’d have him’, he said. He tried to come off like he was joking, but his face didn’t quite pull it off.

His obvious uncertainty over whether I’d want him back saddened me, and I considered the deep scars the accident had left on his self-esteem.

I glared at him, just a little, just enough to let him know that that comment not only wasn’t true but that it annoyed me. “I only work with the best, Junior.”

A crack of the old Gage smile appeared at one corner of his mouth.

“You’ll have to drive, you know.”

The smile drooped but he looked determined.

“I know,” he said reluctantly.

 I left feeling optimistic that things were going to be okay.

It’s been almost five months since the accident. The latest x-rays on my arm show almost complete fusion of the bone. It still aches from time to time, but it’s much better. Usually when it hurts the most is after physical therapy, but that’s normal.

I still haven’t completely gotten rid of the headaches and the pain in my neck and back, but it’s about eighty percent gone now, which I’m very grateful for. I know it’s just a matter of time until I’m completely healed, but it sure takes a lot of patience, which isn’t one of my strong suits. I’ve been putting a hundred and ten percent into my healing to move it along as quickly as possible.

I’m dying to get back to work. Being at home all the time is making me crazy. Roy would probably say that was no change from my normal demeanor.

Fortunately the shelter takes up some of that time, and it’s a good feeling to know I’m helping some less fortunate creatures. I think it helps fill the void I’ve been feeling since I quit work.

I’m still nervous about driving once I get back, but I guess I’ll have to cross that bridge when I come to it. I’ll probably try to avoid it as much as I can. It’ll be scary to be in the driver’s seat again; I’m a little afraid I won’t be able to bring myself to do it. If that’s the case, then I guess I’ll be back to hauling hose.

No.

I don’t want to go back to an engine.

I’ll have to deal with it.

The attorney at Barney’s practice took care of canceling the closing on my house, much to both my and Roy’s relief. It means a lot to me that he was willing to put his livelihood on the line for me. I’m just glad he never had to go through with it. I think he is too.

Penny’s dad has picked up the tab for all my attorney fees. Not only that, but he paid my hospital bills too – the parts that the insurance company didn’t pay. I honestly feel a little guilty accepting it, but at the same time I think it actually made him feel better, and it got me out of debt, which is a huge relief. I was touched by the fact that he sent me a letter of apology for assaulting me, and for the things he’d said and done to make my life miserable. That letter did a lot to ease my conscience.

I paid my first visit to the station yesterday. I thought it would be a lot harder than it was. It was strange; when I got there it felt like I’d never left, and everyone treated me like they always had. One thing felt really good, and that was how happy everyone was for me that we found out the truth about the accident. Before it was like they were all afraid to talk about it. Now it was like this taboo had been lifted, and the whole thing was up for conversation. Anyway, it was nice to be able to look the guys in the eyes and not feel like they thought less of me.

It was Chet’s idea for all of us to get together and go out, so we made plans for Friday night to meet at Larry’s. I still wasn’t driving, so Roy picked me up.

It had been a long while since I’d been out like this with friends and I was having a good time. I felt better than I had in ages. Amazing what the absence of guilt can do for you.

I had just finished my first beer and headed over to the bar to buy a second round for me and Roy when I spotted Monica.

My breath stopped in my throat and dangled there. The bar was crowded and I hadn’t seen her before now. She was the last person I expected to run into tonight and it caught me off guard. I hesitated for a second, wondering if I should approach her. I had no idea how she would react to seeing me. Somehow I didn’t relish the possibility of having a beer thrown in my face right now, but another second later made making a decision too late – she turned and saw me. The expression on her face when she spotted me probably mirrored my own – like that of a deer caught in headlights.

She didn’t turn away though, and she didn’t look angry, just kind of sad and unsure, so that encouraged me and headed over to her.

She was sitting at the bar with a couple of her friends having a drink like I’d been doing. I glanced to the seats next to her, relieved that she wasn’t with another guy. Not that I wouldn’t have expected her to be after the way I treated her.

She was way more gracious than she should have been.

“Hi Monica,” I said, half expecting to be slapped any second.

“Hi Johnny,” she said quite calmly.

“Um, how’ve you been?” Now there’s a great line, Gage.

She just nodded. “Good.” Her eyes scanned me for a second before she made eye contact and then finally added, “You look good. You seem much better.” I was a little shocked at how sincere her voice sounded.

I nodded too. “Yeah. I am a lot better than…when you last saw me.” In more ways than one.

She smiled a little. “I’m glad. I…read about that girl in the paper.” There had been a small article about Penny’s suicide and my exoneration in the paper shortly after her suicide note had been discovered. She must have seen that. “How terrible for her family.”

“Yeah,” I mumbled.

“But I’m happy for you,” she said.

I stared at her, astonished. She was being way too kind. It made me feel like an even bigger jerk than I’d been. I looked at her pretty face and boy did I regret what I’d done. “Thank you,” I said, not knowing what else to say.

She hadn’t deserved the way I’d treated her. And I didn’t deserve to be treated this nice by her now. I almost wished she weren’t being so nice. I felt like she should be angry with me, that I would deserve it if she just told me to get lost.

Looking at her now, I knew that I wanted her back in the worst way, but didn’t bother to let that possibility even cross my mind for more than a second. The most I felt I could hope for would be her forgiveness, but even that seemed like asking too much. One thing was for sure, and mostly to ease my own conscience, I needed badly to apologize and hoped that she would at least listen for that much longer.

“Monica,” I started nervously. “I know this is way too little way too late, but…I want you to know…I’m really sorry for the way I treated you.”

Her head went down and she stared at her lap. When she looked back up at me I saw in her eyes the pain I’d caused. It felt like a stake being driven through my heart. It made my resolve to get her to understand my regret even stronger. I stared straight into her eyes. “I never meant to hurt you. If there was anything I could do to go back and change things…I’d do it in a heartbeat.”

Then she looked like she was going to cry. Her lip quivered a little bit and her eyes got misty. I would have rather she slapped me than see that hurt in her eyes. It made me feel worse.

“If there’s one thing I want you to know, it’s that none of my anger was directed at you.” And then I thought, well, yeah it was. I took out my anger on her even though I wasn’t angry AT her. “I mean, I didn’t mean to take out my problems on you. I’m sorry that I did that. I was just…messed up.” Well, that was articulate. Jeez, Gage.

“I understand, Johnny.” She looked away from me like she couldn’t stand to look in my eyes. As a matter of fact, she looked almost repentant for some reason. “I’m just so sorry the whole thing happened. If only I hadn’t invited you to dinner that night…I never should have asked you to come over when the weather was so bad.”

I looked at her, stunned, not believing what I was hearing. She sounded like she was blaming herself! 

I couldn’t stand listening to her take even one ounce of responsibility for this. I searched her eyes. “Monica, please don’t say that. No way was any of this your fault!” I felt like shaking her so that she’d come to her senses.

A tear slid down her face and I closed my eyes, feeling rotten to the core for what I’d put her through. Not only had I returned her compassion and kindness with cruelty, I’d been so blind and caught up in my own misery that I never saw that she’d felt some responsibility, that she’d had to live with her guilt too, even though she had nothing to feel guilty about.

Another tear ran down her face. “If only…”

“If only nothing,” I said fiercely, and reached out to squeeze her shoulder.

Her friends were looking at us now. They looked like they weren’t sure if they should interfere or not. One of them got up and walked over to the other friend to talk, so I slid into her seat next to Monica.

I lifted her chin so that she was looking at me. I had to make her understand. “Monica, I don’t want you to blame yourself for any of this. It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t…my fault either. Even if you’d told me not to come that night, I would have anyway.” She blinked, and I added, “You couldn’t have kept me away. I wanted to see you.” I picked up a napkin and handed it to her so she could dry her tears.

“What was my fault was the way I treated you after it happened.” How was I going to explain that? I wasn’t doing a very good job of it so far. I wasn’t even sure I understood why I’d acted that way. I looked away, having trouble saying this to her face for some reason. “I never wanted to hurt you. I never wanted…to lose you.” Then I felt her hand slide on top of mine and come to rest there. My thumb inched its way out from under hers and began to caress the top of her hand. At that moment I started to wonder if maybe I had another chance with her.

With renewed resolve, I looked back into her eyes, trying to come up with the right explanation. “I guess the only way I can explain it is to say that I…pushed you away because I didn’t want to drag you down with me and all my problems. You didn’t deserve that.”

“Maybe you should have let me decide what I deserved.”

“Maybe. I wasn’t thinking too clearly back then.”

“I know. But just so you know, I’m not the kind of person who deserts people when they’re down. I like to think I’m a little more loyal than that.”

I looked down, feeling terrible. “I know you’re not. You proved that.” I looked back up at her, deciding to tell her the whole truth. “There was another reason too.” She looked at me expectantly. “Monica, I…I thought that after what happened, you wouldn’t want to be with me, that you’d be ashamed of me. I guess my ego had a hard time handling that. I thought I was giving you an easy way out.”

Her expression transformed into one of sympathy. “Oh Johnny, you shouldn’t have thought that. I would never have been ashamed to be with you.”

Boy, her eyes were sincere.

“I think I’m finally beginning to realize that. But I was pretty ashamed of myself at that time. I didn’t think a…a girl like you would want to be with some guy who’d killed someone. I knew I’d never be able to take you anywhere again, and…” I shook my head at how ridiculous that sounded. “…I guess deep down I thought you’d be better off with someone else.”

Monica sighed, then intertwined her fingers with mine. It felt like an electrical current.

“Oh I wish you’d told me this in the beginning,” she said.

“I don’t know that it would have made any difference back then Monica.  I couldn’t even live with myself. How could I expect you to?”

She glanced down, thinking, then back at me. “And can you live with yourself now?”

I shrugged. “I’m…working on it.” I chuckled a little. “I don’t have much choice. I’m all I’ve got. It helps to finally realize that there really wasn’t anything I could have done to avoid…it.”

“And what if you hadn’t found that out. Would you still be down on yourself?”

I closed my eyes. The thought of it…I’d worked so hard to change my attitude. Thinking about how I was, was painful. I didn’t ever want to go there again. “I don’t know, Monica. I’m not sure I ever could have lived with it.” Would I have been strong enough? “ I’m just glad that now I don’t have to.”

“I am too.”

I smiled at her and she actually smiled back.

“So…what’s next for you now?” she asked.

“I’m…gonna be going back to work as soon as my arm is completely healed.”

She smiled. “I’m glad. I’m so glad for you.” And she caressed me cheek as she said it.

I squeezed her hand, so grateful that she seemed to understand. Yet there was so much more I wanted to explain to her. The words weren’t materializing in my brain at the moment.

Right now I just wanted to kiss her so bad, but I couldn’t. I craved even just holding her in my arms, but I held back, not knowing how she would react. Imagine my surprise then when she reached out to me and pulled me toward her.

God her hug felt good; I never wanted it to end. I didn’t even realize how much I’d missed it. I’d felt so dead for so long.

Then she pulled away and her smile faded a little. She looked sort of sad now. “Well…” she started, her voice trailing off. Her friends were both throwing glances at us, obviously wondering what in the heck was going on.

“Monica…um, do you think maybe…” I saw her face light up a little. That gave me the courage to finish what I was going to ask. “Do you think…I mean…I’d like the chance to explain all this to you a little more. I feel like I owe you that…if…if you’ll let me. Just not…here.” I glanced at her friends, not wanting to intrude any longer. They were back to talking amongst themselves.

She didn’t hesitate very long before she answered. “I’m off work tomorrow night at five. I suppose...you could stop by…”

I felt this huge weight of relief slide off my shoulders. I hadn’t felt this light in a long time. It looked like…well, maybe she’d give me another chance.

“What time?” I asked, and I’m sure my huge grin looked stupid, but I didn’t care.

“How about around six?”

I didn’t bother to think about the bus schedule. Somehow I’d make it there. “I’ll be there.” I couldn’t believe it. “Thank you,” I said, then I got up to go back to the guys. She gave me a quick peck on the cheek before I left and I was floating.

I’d begun to think that maybe Johnny had gotten lost after he didn’t return from getting our beers at the bar. My glass had been empty for about ten minutes when I got up to go look for him.

I have to admit I was a little surprised to see him at the bar talking with a girl, and even more surprised to see who it was. The long lost familiar scene made me smile and I got my own beer and headed back to the table, surmising that Johnny might not be back for a while. When the other guys saw me heading back without Johnny they asked me where he was.

“Don’t tell me. He’s met some chick,” Chet said disgustedly. “This is supposed to be a guys’ night out.”

“It’s not just any ‘chick’, Chet,” I said.

At that, they all craned their necks to ogle who Gage was talking to at the bar. After that, nobody complained, not even Chet, each of the men happy to see their friend back in a more normal mode.

“Hey, it looks like she’s got a couple of friends,” Chet commented, and started to get up.

Marco grabbed his arm and pulled him back. “Chet! Stay here. You’re just going to mess things up for Johnny.”

“Mess things up! Au contraire, Marco. I’d be helping him out.”

“How’s that, amigo?”

“Well, when Gage’s girl sees what a charming and good-looking friend Johnny has, that can only add to Gage’s chances with her.”

Marco rolled his eyes and kept Chet in his seat.

Another five minutes went by. I saw Cap looking over in Johnny’s direction. He was happy because Gage had told him he’d be coming back to 51’s. “Well, it looks like things are going pretty well over there,” Cap commented.

Glancing over, I saw them holding hands and shook my head in wonderment. Somehow Gage always comes out smelling like a rose with the women. I don’t know how he does it.

 Chet made his own observations. As he fingered his mustache he said slowly, “You know; Gage is like a cat. Not only does he have nine lives, he always lands on his feet when he falls.”

I laughed. “It’s a good thing.”

“Yeah. Especially with all the opportunities Gage has to fall on the job.”

I laughed again.

Johnny headed over to our table with the biggest smile on his face I’d seen in a long time. It was good to see. Maybe things would get back to normal now. Maybe.

Roy and I went climbing yesterday. It was an incredible fall day and no one was around for miles. I think that made Roy a little nervous. Why I don’t know, but if he was, he never voiced it. I caught him keeping an eye on me more than once during the climb, like he was ready to dive after me if I fell. That was not only unnecessary, but a little annoying, but he meant well. That’s okay; I did the same thing to him. That’s what partners do.

It felt great to do something with just me and Roy again.

It’s been a long time.

We brought our rappelling gear so I could practice. I’ve been working like crazy to build up my arm strength and yesterday was the test I’d given myself to see if I felt I was strong enough to go back to work.

I was nervous about it but I didn’t let it show. My arm had been so weak for so long. Even now, almost eight months after I broke it, it still aches at times, but it was now or never. I’d been away too long.

I passed my own test with flying colors. I’m not sure my arm is as strong as it was yet, but I think it’s where I need to be to do the job. It felt good.

When I got home, I got on my motorcycle. I hadn’t been behind the wheel of a motorized vehicle of any kind for three quarters of a year and I really hesitated before doing it. I had to keep wiping my hands off because my palms were sweating like crazy. But once I got going it was great. I took back roads where there wasn’t any traffic and just rode easy, not flying like I used to do. I figured it was a good way to get my feet wet. And also, I wouldn’t worry about as much about the possibility of hurting anyone in an accident on a motorcycle. It anyone was gonna get hurt, chances were it’d be me. Not something I wanted to happen after months of recuperating from the other accident, but I wasn’t worried. I took it nice and slow. I haven’t felt this kind of freedom for a long time.

Tonight I saw Monica; rode my Harley to her house. I’ve been riding that most everywhere I need to go these days. I don’t even think about driving a car. I’m not ready for that yet.

Monica and I did end up getting back together, and tonight she cooked me the dinner she had planned to cook me the night of the accident. 

After the night that we ran into each other at Larry’s, I ended up at her house the next evening. Monica and I did a lot of talking. When we were sure we had everything straightened out, the talking stopped and I showed her exactly how much I’d missed her. Mmm, and she reciprocated whole-heartedly. I guess you could say we were trying to make up for lost time. We’re still trying to catch up, but I don’t mind. I hope we never do.

She’s a great girl. I’m really grateful she gave me another chance.

Johnny finally returned to work after a little over eight months.

He’s been back for three shifts now and it’s really good having him back.

During the months of his absence, I got partnered with a lot of different guys. Some were great, some not so great. (I won’t mention the one whose name starts with a B and rhymes with ice, because just thinking about him raises my blood pressure.) Anyway, now that Johnny’s back, the station finally feels, I don’t know, complete, I guess I’d say for lack of a better word. Chet is more chipper than I’ve seen him in months, probably because he’s got the opportunity to resume his role as the Phantom once again. The Phantom was on vacation all the while Johnny was gone.

The only problem I encountered with Johnny’s return was the fact that he still refused to drive. Every run that involved a ride to the hospital found Johnny jumping into the ambulance with the patient before I had a chance to object. He’d assured me before he started that he’d take his turn driving, but I had yet to see it. I cut him some slack for the first few shifts but by the fourth shift I decided that Johnny needed a little push. Well, maybe more like a big push.

It was great to be back at work. I thought things were going pretty well until the fourth shift. Up until then I’d managed to avoid driving the squad. Huh. Now there’s a switch. For years I’d practically begged Roy to let me drive, and now I was doing everything I could to avoid it.

I have to admit Roy was pretty patient with me about it. I’d fully expected him to order me to do it (sometimes Roy has a tendency to pretend he’s my dad, which is ridiculous since we’re only a little more than a year apart in age, although if I told him that, he’d deny it), but he didn’t. He just kept asking me if I wanted to drive, and each time I said, ‘Nah, go ahead. I’m better at navigating’. Which was the truth. I mean about the navigating. I’m a better navigator than him but as far as driving skills, we’re pretty much par with each other.  

I finally got behind the wheel, but it wasn’t by choice. Roy tricked me into driving the squad. I’m still pissed off at him and he knows it.

I figured the only way to get Johnny behind the wheel was to just make him do it.

When we were at Rampart I told him I was gonna hit the men’s room then wait for him in the squad while he got the supplies. So, I climbed in to the passenger seat and waited for him there. I just smiled at him when he came out and made a beeline for my door. He was so shocked to see me there I swear he almost jumped a foot. “This seat is already taken,” I said lightly.

He grimaced at me and said, “Very funny.”

“I’m not jokin’,” I said.

He stood there with his hand on the door handle looking flustered and said, “Move over.”

“Nope,” I said. “You get in on the other side. You’re driving.”

He just stared at me. “Roy…”

“My ankle’s sore. I twisted it a little on the last run. I don’t think I can drive right now.”

Suddenly Gage’s face converted to concern and he’d just started to say something when his face twisted into an irritated comprehension. “Ankle, my ass,” he said.

“No, not my ass, my ankle.”

He rolled his eyes. His hand was still on the door handle.

I wasn’t going to argue with him. “That’s an order…Junior.”

Now he really looked disgusted. “Oh, puh-leeese,” he groused. When he realized I wasn’t going to budge he finally walked around to the driver’s side.

Very slowly, he opened the door. His right foot lifted in slow motion to step into the squad, then he set it down. He waited, staring through the windshield, lifted his foot again, then set it down on the pavement again. I was starting to get worried. Maybe he really couldn’t do it.

I waited. Finally on the third try, he got his foot in the cab, then the rest of his body followed as he slowly slid in.

The keys were in the ignition ready to go. Johnny just sat there with his hands gripping the steering wheel, making no attempt to start the squad. He was staring through the windshield.

I reached over and started the squad. Johnny jerked almost imperceptibly.

My voice was calm and soft. Reassuring. “C’mon, Johnny. Let’s go. You can do this.”

Slowly, he turned to look at me and at that moment I really felt for him. I hadn’t realized until I saw his face how utterly difficult this was for him. Maybe I’d made a mistake in pushing him.

He swallowed, then with great trepidation, he put the squad in gear.

Very cautiously, he drove out of the parking lot, his expression the picture of concentration, but tinged with dread. I stayed silent, letting him try to get used to it on his own.

He pulled out onto the road. A few minutes later, he finally began to relax. I saw his shoulders drop down a little and he exhaled a deep breath. I thought then he’d passed the point of no return. He’d done it. He was going to be fine.

I didn’t count on us getting a call. I mean, sure, I knew it was possible, but the day had been so slow so far I just gambled that we wouldn’t. Guess I should have stuck with racehorses.

When the call came through Johnny tensed up immediately. He glanced over at me for a second and I could see that pulling over and stopping to let me drive was crossing his mind.

But he didn’t.

And I know why.

It was because Johnny knew that those few extra seconds that it would take to pull over and switch seats could mean the difference to someone’s life. So, he literally swallowed his fear, turned on the siren and lights, and pushed down the accelerator while I acknowledged the call.

After that, the only emotion I saw was intense concentration. It was as if the urgency of the call infused him with courage. The fear was gone.

I guess that’s the one thing about Johnny that makes me enjoy working with him so much. He’s a professional. No matter what might be going on in his life at the moment, no matter what kind of problem or dilemma might be eating at him, whether it be just getting hit by one of Chet’s water bombs and getting called out dripping wet, or something more serious, like attempting to drive for the first time after being involved in a fatal accident, Johnny has the ability to completely set any personal problem aside and concentrate one hundred percent on his job. Maybe it’s a good thing we got that call.

At least I thought that until someone who hadn’t been paying attention drove into an intersection in front of Johnny. I honestly have to say that scared the crap out of me. Not just for us, but for Johnny too.

He saw it before I did. His reactions were impeccable. He was swerving, braking, and laying on the horn the instant that blue Chevy entered the intersection, and we made it through without even coming close to that car.

The only indication I saw that it had phased Gage was that he kept wiping his palms on his pants, and the sweat I saw dripping from his temple down into the collar of his shirt. I know it must have just about caused him to have a heart attack though.

We made it to the call. It wasn’t anything serious; there was no need to even transport a patient to the hospital. When we were walking to the squad, he threw the keys at me and headed for the passenger side. He was pissed at me for the rest of the day, but it was worth it. After that, we never had another issue with driving.

I finally decided to get another vehicle to drive. Don’t get me wrong; I love my motorcycle. It’s just that it’s a drag when it rains, which it’s been doing a lot lately, and I got tired of arriving places all wet. Oh, and I had a little wipe-out on the bike – a minor altercation, but I just decided I would use it more recreationally for now.

What happened was, I hit an oil slick. I was on the way to work. Fortunately I wasn’t going very fast. The damn bike just slid out from under me and spun me around. I’m glad I wasn’t wearing my uniform, but still, I tore up a perfectly good pair of well broken-in Levis, which was a real drag. Roy about had a cow when I got in to work, but honestly, the bike was more scratched up than I was.

I was just sitting in the dayroom enjoying a cup of coffee when Chet told me that Johnny needed me out in the parking lot. I was a little annoyed that Gage couldn’t just come inside and get me for whatever he wanted, but when I saw him, I understood why.

He didn’t want to drip blood all over the station.

My heart skipped a beat when I first saw him, but it looked worse than it was. He had road rash all over his legs and his jeans were all torn up. His hands were pretty raw too and he’d scraped his cheek. I questioned whether he needed any stitches, but after we got him cleaned up I could see it was just a lot of scrapes. I got him all bandaged up and he limped around a little bit, but he was okay. I made him go see Brackett to make sure, which he moaned and groaned about, but they cleared him. I didn’t need to give him any grief about it; Dixie did that for me.

 I think I convinced him to go buy a car.

Tomorrow is the one-year anniversary of the accident. Not something I want to celebrate or even think about, but it’s a part of my life that I’ll never be able to forget.

Like Jane said, some good things did come from that horrible experience. Jane and I are really good friends now. I like having a girl as just a friend. She offers me a perspective on women that I didn’t have before. That can really come in handy if Monica and I ever have a fight. And she’s a really positive influence on my life. I don’t know how I could have made it through all those months without her. The same goes for Roy and the guys.

I still volunteer at the shelter at least once a week, and Monica’s started too. She’s more a cat person, so she deals with the felines. And sometimes Jane and her boyfriend double date with me and Monica. And of course, I still have Chance, who’s turned into a healthy, happy dog.

Those first several months after the accident were hell for me. I look back on it now and close my eyes in relief that it’s over and that everything worked out all right. For me, anyway. Can’t say the same thing for Penny or her family. I still get this ache in the pit of my stomach when I think of her. I suppose I always will. The experience taught me a lot about myself and about life.

The biggest impact it’s had on me is that I’ve become so much more thankful, and I don’t let a day go by without a little gratitude. The hard lesson I learned is that life can change in a heartbeat.  But even when it does, there’s always a bright side. If you remember that, it’ll help you get through the dark days. The sun will eventually shine again if you give it a chance.

I feel sorry for Penny because she didn’t realize that. Life is a gift. And you only get one chance. She threw her chance away.

Drove my new pick-up truck into work today for the first time, a shiny red 1976 AMC Jeep Honcho. It’s nothing fancy, but it’s practical and sturdy. It’ll be good for hauling stuff, which I do a lot since I work on my house a lot.

Not exactly a chick magnet, but hey, I’ve already got a chi – , uh, a girlfriend.

Me and Monica are still going strong.

I’m thinking about asking her to move in with me.

Work is going good. It almost seems like I was never gone. Things are almost the same except that I drive the squad all the time now.

My arm still hurts once in a while, mostly when it rains.

I can deal with that.

Things are pretty good.

THE END

Thanks to my wonderful beta reader and good friend! (You know who you are!)

I’m not a doctor or a lawyer, so any mistakes with the medical or legal stuff (and there probably are some!) are mine.

The Jefferson building I mentioned in part one is fictitious.

Hope you all liked this style. Either way, would love to read your feedback!

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