Trauma: Life in the E!R

By Peggy

September 2001

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Author's Notes: Originally written for the 'Author,Author' challenge on Johnny's Green Pen. So, who saw it there and guessed I wrote it? Anyone? :-)

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Kelly Brackett had been practicing medicine for fifteen years and, if asked, he'd have said he'd seen it all.  Leave it to John Gage to prove him wrong.  According to the chart Dixie had just handed him, the paramedic was in exam room three awaiting treatment for various bruises and contusions including a black eye and a split lip, a laceration on his thumb, minor burns, a sprained ankle and a ...

Kel stopped and stared at the chart in his hand. "Dix, does this say lobster bite?"

She smiled that enigmatic smile that drove him crazy and nodded. "Uh huh."

"Do lobsters have teeth?"

"I don't think it actually bit him," Dixie replied.  "I think it ...  you know...." she curled her fingers and made a pinching motion.

"Where?"

Dix tapped the chart with one perfectly manicured fingernail.

Kel glanced down and his eyes grew wide as saucers. "Ouch!"

"Uh huh."

"How on earth did it happen?"

She smiled that smile again   "I think I'll let the patient explain that one."

Kel tucked the chart under his arm, took a deep breath and did his best to school his expression into one of professional concern.  He was only marginally successful based on Johnny's reaction as he pushed through the exam room door.

"Don't even start with me," the battered paramedic warned, pointing an accusatory finger at Brackett. The ice pack draped prominently across Johnny's groin slipped and he yanked it back into place with a muttered oath.

"I didn't say a word," Kel protested, his voice high and strangled as he struggled not to laugh. "So, Johnny, exactly how did this, um, accident occur?"

"Well, see, there was this gorgeous girl...."

Brackett groaned and rolled his eyes.

"No, Doc, now just listen!" Gage exclaimed.  "When I say she's gorgeous, I mean she's REALLY gorgeous.  This chick is incredible!"

"Okay, okay," Kel held up his hands in a placating gesture.  "She's incredible. But how did you end up like this?"

"I'm gettin' to that."  Gage shifted uncomfortably on the gurney and repositioned his ice pack once again. "See, it took me forever to convince her to go out with me and when she finally did say yes, well, I wanted to impress her.  You can understand that, can't ya, Doc?"

Kel nodded.

"I found out she liked seafood so I told her I'd take her to that new place down by the marina."

"Sebastian's?" Brackett raised an eyebrow when Gage nodded.  "That's the hottest place in town right now, Johnny.  I've been trying to get reservations for three weeks.  How on earth did you get a table?

"I didn't," the younger man said glumly.  "They were booked solid. Guess I shoulda called 'em before I promised Betsy.  That's the..."

"Incredible chick," Brackett supplied dryly.

"Yeah, that's her.  Anyway, I couldn't get a table at Sebastian's and anyplace else would have seemed, I dunno ..."

"Anti-climactic?"

"Yeah!  Anti-climactic.  That's it exactly.  So, Chet tells me he's got this buddy who can get fresh seafood cheap. And I thought: great!  I'll cook her dinner. Woman go crazy over that, you know," he confided.  "I never cooked lobster before, but Chet's buddy told me it was easy.  A little boiling water, some seasoning, piece of cake, right?"

Brackett sighed and shook his head.  He knew exactly where the story was going and Johnny didn't disappoint him.

"So, there I was with Betsy.  I had the table set, I had candles, I had flowers, I had wine chilling, romantic music playing, the whole nine yards. It was going great.   I reached into the ice chest to get the lobsters and ... well ... did you know they cook lobsters while they're still alive?" Gage asked mournfully.  "And the little bastards don't really want to go in the pot.  And they've got," he winced and repositioned his ice pack once again, "really, really sharp claws."

Brackett bit his lip to suppress a grin and nodded sympathetically. "Then what happened?"

"Just as I started to drop the first lobster into the pot, it nabbed onto my thumb," Johnny continued. "Well, it hurt like hell and when I tried to shake the stupid thing off I knocked over the pot of water and it splashed everywhere. I slipped in the puddle, twisted my ankle and fell, hitting my head on the counter on the way down."

That accounted for all of Gage's injuries except one.  "But how on earth did it get hold of your, uh," he gestured toward the injured man's groin.

"Just as I hit the floor, the lobster finally decided to let go of my thumb.  Fell right in my lap and well ... here I am."

Kel winced in sympathy.  "What happened to Betsy?"

"Oh, she was great about it! She pried the lobster off my..." he waved in the general direction of his crotch, "and got it back in the ice chest.  Then she drove me in here. She's waiting for me outside. As soon as you're done patching me up, we're gonna get some Chinese takeout, drive down to the beach and let the lobsters go."

"You're still on a date?" Kel asked incredulously.

"Well, yeah," Gage gazed up at him in bafflement.  "Of course we are.  Like I said, she's..."

"Incredible."

"Exactly."

Brackett couldn't help himself.  He had to laugh. "Johnny, you are one of a kind," he said, as he reached for the ice pack.  "Now, let's take a look at this … uh … wound of yours. We wouldn't want to keep the incredible young lady waiting."

The End

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