Baptized by Fire  -  Part 6

The air was unseasonably cold and Justin shivered as he pulled his coat tighter around himself.  It seemed fitting.  He couldn’t seem to find any warmth anymore, not even on the sunniest day.  He stared down at the granite grave marker, and thought about how appropriate it was for a tombstone to made of a material such as that.  No color…no warmth…no life.

“I’m leaving for California tomorrow, Abs.  I start at USC in two weeks.  I know it’s not what we had planned, but…I hope you understand.”  Justin didn’t voice it, but he wanted nothing more than to get as far away from Abby’s memory as he could.  But, what he didn’t count on was the fact that it would follow him…all the way to the opposite coast.

“I’m sorry I won’t be around to…to uh…bring you flowers and stuff on your birthday.  But, I figure where you are...well nothing I could bring you could measure up.”  He knelt down and placed the bouquet of daisies he had been holding in front of the marker.  “But anyway…here you go.  They’ll have to last you for a while.”  He bowed his head and closed his eyes, so that anyone passing by would have thought he was praying.  But that was something Justin didn’t do much anymore.  Finally, he opened them and blinked through teary haze at the carved letters on the stone, thinking again how unbelievably surreal it all seemed.  How one moment you could be here…so full of life and dreams.  And the next…

“I love you, Abby.”  He stood and turned to go.  Suddenly the sky turned dark, and he quickened his step on the way back to his car.  But, then Justin saw something that stopped him in his tracks.  Standing beside a large tree at the edge of the cemetery was a solitary figure.  She wore a white dress that billowed in the increasing wind, and in her arms she held a baby.  Justin hurried toward her, but as he approached, her face turned to stone and crumbled before him as the baby wailed…

Justin awoke with a start, out of breath, his heart racing.  A quick look around assured him he was safe in his bed, and that he had been dreaming again.  For some reason, his hand moved to his neck, and he fingered the necklace he had put back on for lack of a good place to put it, or so he tried to convince himself, as if it were some calming amulet.  But, Justin didn’t feel calm.  He thought about the dream, which unlike most dreams, seemed to stay firmly etched in his memory.

He remembered that day.  He had gone to the cemetery to say goodbye.  And he hadn’t been back since.

But, the baby…what did that mean?  Justin ran his hand through his hair, thinking.  And after a while, the pieces began to fit.  Hannah had just had her babies, which reminded his subconscious of how he had once dreamed of having children with Abby.  That would explain why she was holding a baby.  Or…maybe it was his subconscious’ way of dealing with the fact that he would never be a father.  That those chances had crumbled long ago.  As sadness and regret began to creep in, he quickly pushed them aside.  He loved Camarin.  He wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.  They would legally adopt Kaya and Rose, and he would be a father to them.  It didn’t matter that they weren’t his biological daughters, did it?  Of course it didn’t.  Not everyone was meant to have children, but that didn’t mean they couldn’t be good parents, right?

The more Justin thought, the more he realized it was time to move on.  He had come to that conclusion before, but now he realized he needed to do something.  Something tangible, something that had meaning.  He needed to, as Dixie had pointed out, stop mourning…not just for Abby, but for the life he could have had with her.  That life was over, and he needed to accept all that went with that.

But, what could he do?

Justin lay thinking for a long time when suddenly the obvious answer popped into his head at precisely the same moment Camarin decided to check on him.

“Hey, you’re awake.”  She walked into the room and perched on the edge of the bed.  “How are you feeling?  Are you up for some supper?”

“Suppertime already?”  Justin yawned and flexed his toes in an effort to relieve the tightness in his leg muscles.

“Yep.  I made some chicken soup.”

“Sounds good.”

“Okay.  It’ll go get you some.”  Camarin stood and walked toward the door.

“Camarin, wait…”  Justin called her back.  “Could you…uh…”

“Could I what?”

“Could you bring me the phone book and hand me the phone?”

“What for?”  Camarin was confused.

“I’ll explain later.”  Justin promised.  “Please?”

“Well now, how can I resist that?”  Camarin toyed.  She grabbed the phone off the desk under the window and pulled the phone book out of the drawer before handing both to Justin.  “Who are you calling?”

“I told you, I’ll explain later.”  Justin reiterated.  “Trust me, okay?”

“I do trust you.”  Camarin leaned in for a kiss.  She was still curious, but she figured Justin would tell her what he was up to before long.  “I’ll go get you some soup.”

“Okay…thanks…”  Justin watched until he knew Camarin was out of sight.  Then, he opened the yellow pages and began thumbing through.  “Ah, here we go.  Airlines…”

***

A week later, Todd Andrews stood at the foot of Justin’s bed.  “So, how are you feeling today?”

“I’m feeling like I’m ready to get out of this bed.”  Justin admitted.  He had been true to his word to rest for the past seven days, and now he expected his reward to come in the form of a blessing from Todd for more mobility.  The added benefit was that he really did feel a lot better.

Todd perched himself on the edge of the mattress.  “Mind if I take a look at how that bruise is healing?”

“Sure.”  This time Justin was glad to oblige.  Camarin had already told him it looked a lot better, and he was confident Todd would agree.  He rolled onto his left side.

“This is looking really good.”  Todd observed before turning his attention to Justin’s right leg.  “Swelling’s really gone down in your leg too.  How does it feel?”

“A lot better.”  Justin rolled onto his back and sat up slowly, his hands moving to his thigh.  “I haven’t needed any Demerol for at least three days.  It aches a little off and on, but that’s about it.”

“Well, it will for a while.”  Todd busied himself checking the pulses at Justin’s knee, ankle, and foot.  “You know what to do for that.”

“Yep.”

“What about your ribs?  How do they feel?”  The doctor pulled gently at Justin’s T-shirt, indicating he should lift it up to allow him a look.

“I think they’re about healed.”  Justin lifted his shirt and looked down at his left side.  “Just get a little twinge now and then.”

Todd ran his fingers lightly over Justin’s side, pressing down in certain areas as he watched for a reaction.  He found one particular spot seemed to elicit more of a reaction.  “Still pretty tender right there, huh?”

“Well, yeah when you push on it like that!”  Justin replaced his shirt.

“Okay…okay…”  Point taken, Todd smiled at his friend.  He was truly glad Justin had been compliant with his orders and was feeling better.  “What about your breathing?  Have you had to use the inhaler anymore?”

“Nope.”  Justin shook his head.  “My lungs seem to be back to normal.”

“And you have an appointment with Dr. Burke…”

“Next Thursday.”

Todd nodded, satisfied that everything seemed to be going well.  That left him with one question he still needed to ask.  “So, about your rehab…I talked to Karen this morning, and she told me you cancelled your sessions with her for this week.  Look, I know you think you can handle it yourself, but I really think you should keep working with her for a while.  There are things that she can help you with that…”

“That’s not why I cancelled, Todd.”  Justin had been hoping to avoid having this conversation, but now there didn’t seem to be any way around it.

“Oh?”

“She didn’t tell you she’s meeting with me next week?” 

“No…she left that part out.  But, I was sort of in a hurry to get to surgery, so we didn’t really have much time to talk.  I asked if she was going to see you this week, and she told me you had cancelled.”  Todd explained.  But, now he was even more confused.  “So…if you didn’t cancel because you’re planning on doing your own therapy, may I ask why you did cancel?”

“Yeah, you can ask…”  Justin took a deep breath.  He knew this would not go over well.  “I cancelled because Cam and I are taking a little trip.”

“A what?”  Todd was on his feet.  “Now?”  He couldn’t believe this.  “Where are you going?”

“We’re going to Pennsylvania.”  Justin said as if it were a trip around the block.

“What on earth for?”  Todd couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

Justin sighed.  “It’s a long story.  There are some things I need to take care of.”

“Now?  This can’t wait?”

“No, Todd, it can’t.”  Justin’s expression and tone revealed that his mind had already been made up and that nothing Todd said was going to change that.

Todd paced the room.  “No…no, I can’t believe I’m hearing you right.”  Finally, he slowed to a stop at the foot of the bed and softened his tone.  There was one thing that, until this moment, didn’t occur to him.  “Did something happen at home?  Are your parents all right?”

“As far as I know they’re fine.  That’s not why we’re going.”

“Justin, I can’t tell you what to do.  But, you have to know this isn’t a good idea right now.  Flying so soon after the injuries to your lungs…the pressure changes…”

“I’ll be fine, Todd.”

“Sitting for so long…you’ve been off the Coumadin.  Not to mention how stiff you’re going to be…And miles away from your doctors…”

“They have doctors in Pennsylvania, Todd.”

“That’s not the point.”

“Todd, I know it’s not the best time…”  Justin fought to keep his temper in check.  He knew exactly why his boss and friend was struggling with this, and he couldn’t blame him.  He thought back to how concerned he and Roy had been when Johnny had told them he was going on a vision quest so soon after his hit and run accident.  And then he remembered Johnny’s frank admission that it was something that he had to do, and the haunted look in his eyes that helped Justin understand there would be no talking him out of it.  “It’s just…if I try to explain it you’ll think I’m crazy.”

“I already think you’re crazy!”  Todd’s short fuse got the better of him, but he quickly snuffed it out.  After all, he had known Justin for a long time, and he knew he was not the type to make irrational decisions or take unnecessary risks.  He remembered how it had taken him months to decide on a new car, carefully and painstakingly researching the pros and cons of each model he had considered, until finally settling on the Mercedes for its reliability and safety rating.  No…Justin Quinn was not one to rush into something haphazardly.  There had to be a good reason.  “I’m sorry, Justin…”

“No, I understand, Todd.  If our roles were reversed, I would think the same thing, I guess.”  Justin frowned and stared down at his lap.  He was a grown man and didn’t need anyone’s blessing to do anything, but the truth was, for the past week he had secretly wished for a male friend to talk to about what had been going on in his head.  He knew he could have called John, but he hated to lay this on him.  He had enough to deal with adjusting to life with twins.  But, the fact was, there had been plenty of times lately that Justin had felt a little crazy. 

Todd could see that his friend was obviously bothered about something, but he also knew from experience that getting Justin Quinn to be open about something that was bothering him was a nearly impossible task.  Normally, the upbeat therapist would throw out negative feelings entirely, choosing to avoid the effects suppressing them could cause.  But looking at him now, Todd could see he was clearly dwelling on something.  He sat down carefully on the edge of the bed.  “Do you want to talk about what’s going on?”

Justin looked up at Todd’s face and nearly lost control of his emotions.  There were few people outside of his family that he had known as long as he’d known Todd.  And few people who could read him like a book the way Todd could.  He thought back to all the times he had confided in him…had asked for his opinion or advice about something.  And how great it made him feel to know he had Todd’s approval.  In fact, Justin had never given it much thought until this moment, but although Todd wasn’t really old enough to be his father, he had certainly done a good job filling that void these past twenty years. 

“Justin?”

Justin rubbed his hand over his face.  “Ever since the fire, I’ve been having dreams…”

“Nightmares?”  Todd had never stopped to consider how profoundly Justin could have been affected by the events of that night.  He knew he had no recollection of the fire or the fall he took through the floor.  But, that didn’t mean his subconscious mind wouldn’t bring back those images to haunt him through his dreams.  “Why didn’t you say something?  I could give you something to help you slee—

“No…”  Justin ran his hand backward through his hair, shaking his head.  “No…they haven’t been nightmares.  Well…maybe they have been, I guess…”

“Well, I would say that’s normal after what you went through.  Disturbing dreams are a way of dealing with trauma.  If you want, I could get you an appointment with…”

“No, Todd.  I don’t need to see anyone.”  Justin paused.  “My dreams aren’t about the fire.”

“They’re not?”  Todd wasn’t sure if he was relieved or concerned about this.

“No…”  Justin paused again, and his hands moved to the necklace around his throat.  “They’re about…Abby.”

Todd blew out a long breath and sat back slightly.  He wasn’t expecting to hear that.  Justin had told him about his first fiancée years ago, and about her tragic death.  Then, after John Gage had been beaten by Justin’s brother, Jonas, Justin had disclosed even more about the horrible events surrounding her ‘accident.’

“I talked to Dixie about it…when I was still in the hospital.”  Justin confided. “She told me it made sense with getting engaged to Cam and everything…”

“Sure.” 

“But, I think there’s more to it than that.”  Justin took a deep breath and continued.  “I lost just about everything I had in that fire, Todd.  Everything I owned…everything I’ve worked for my entire adult life.  But, do you know what I didn’t lose?”

Todd could think of several very important things Justin didn’t lose that night, but he decided to hear him out.  “What?”

“A fireproof lockbox.  It’s one of the only things that survived.  Know what’s in it?”

Todd shook his head.

“Everything I kept to remember Abby.  The letters she wrote me, her class ring…”  Justin’s voice reeked of disgust.

“Well, what’s wrong with that?”

Justin took a moment to gather his thoughts.  “What’s wrong with it is…there were things in the house that were Camarin’s too.  Things she gave me.  Some of her clothes.  And pictures Kaya and Rose colored.  They were on the fridge…”

Now it was beginning to make sense.  “And you feel guilty because your memories of Abby survived and those things didn’t?  That it’s like you placed more importance on her than the people who are an important part of your life now?”

“God, Todd…How do you do that?”  Justin felt a tremendous relief.

“Well, I minored in psychology.”  Todd smiled, allowing his joke to drain some of the tension away.  “Justin, I understand why you feel that way.  But, no one ever expects their house is going to burn down.  It doesn’t mean those things weren’t valuable to you.  Cam and the girls know that.”

“I know, but it’s about how I feel about it.”  Justin searched for the right words to explain.  “Todd…I love them so much.  Sometimes I think about…if they had been at the house that night…”

“But they weren’t.”  Todd reached out and placed a hand on Justin’s shoulder.

“And there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t thank God for that.  I don’t know what I’d have done…”  As much as Justin hated it, he couldn’t stop the tears that were forming.  “I couldn’t have gone through that again…”

Todd wasn’t sure what to say to that, so he changed the subject.  “So you think you’ve been having these nightmares about Abby because you’re afraid of losing someone you love again?”

“No…”  Justin hadn’t even considered that.  “Well, maybe that might be part of it.  I don’t know.”

“And you think going home is going to help somehow?”

Justin took another deep breath and tried a different angle.  “Do you remember when Dixie and I were dating?”

“Sure I do.”

“Do you remember how that ended?”

Todd nodded.  “She told you she were still too hung up on Abby, and that she wouldn’t take second place.  I think I’m starting to see what this is about now…”

“I don’t what that to happen with Cam and me.”  Justin explained.

“I can understand that.”

“And there’s one more thing.   We found out Cam has endometriosis.  Our chances of ever having a child together are nearly impossible.”

Todd took a moment to consider this.  He knew how much Justin loved children.  “I’m sorry to hear that, Justin.  And having a child is important to you?”

“It is.  Or at least it used to be.  Camarin is more important.”

“So…choosing to spend the rest of your life with Camarin means having to accept that you’ll never have children of your own.”  Todd blew out a whistling breath.

“That’s right.”  Justin stated decisively.  “But, I’ve accepted that, and I’m okay with it.  I’m ready to marry Camarin and I want everything that goes along with that.  I just…I just need to do something.  Something I can sink my senses into.  I need to go back where the memories are, Todd.”

“And do what?”

“I’ll figure that out when I get there.”  Justin admitted.  “I know it’s not the best idea right now, but it’s something I have to do.  Does that make me crazy?”

Todd smiled.  “No, it doesn’t make you crazy.  You want to know what I think?”

“Okay.”

“I think…you are going through what we in the field refer to as…the midlife crisis.”

Justin chortled at that suggestion.  “You know…I guess you’re right.”

“And there’s nothing wrong with that.  We all get to a point in our lives where we take the time to re-evaluate what’s most important to us.  To make the decisions we need to make to insure the second part of our life is everything we want it to be, to maybe make some better choices than we did when we were younger…”

“Did you go through something like this?”

Todd didn’t want to explain to Justin that he was, in fact, going through something like that right now.  After all, here he was, in his late fifties, unmarried, no children.  He had been thinking it was time to do something about that.  “Everyone does sooner or later.”

Justin couldn’t help but notice his friend didn’t really answer his question.  “Right…”

Todd stood up and stretched.  “Just…promise me you’ll be careful.”

“You know I will.”

“And that you’ll get up and walk around in the plane…”

“As long as there’s no turbulence.”

Todd pulled back playfully, as if to smack his friend on the head.  “Wise-ass.”

But then the mood turned serious again.  “I’ll be careful, Todd.  I promise.  This is something I have to do.”

“I understand, Justin.”  Todd extended his hand for a shake.  “Have a safe trip.”

***

Camarin looked out the window of their hotel room near Justin’s hometown of New Colton, Pennsylvania.  “It sure is pretty here.”  She was admiring the way the late afternoon winter sunlight cast purple shadows across the distant mountains while the ones in the foreground remained a lonely shade of gray.

“You should see it in the fall.”  Justin commented from the bed.  “The mountains turn every shade of red, orange, and gold you can imagine.  It’s one of the things I miss the most.”

Camarin couldn’t help but feel a twinge of sadness.  Justin had already told her why he left Pennsylvania for Los Angeles, and although she was glad he did, she knew the decision had to have been painful for him, not to mention a bit frightening.  She walked over to the bed and laid down beside him, leaning over for a quick peck.  It was early, only about two o’clock Los Angeles time, but she knew the plane ride had left him exhausted, and she figured they could both use a nap before dinner.  “So tomorrow we surprise your parents?”

“Yep.”  Justin yawned.  “I figured we’d head over right after breakfast.  It’ll take us about thirty minutes to get there.  We can do some sight-seeing on the way.”

“Good.”  Camarin smiled.  She was excited to see some of the places Justin remembered from his youth.  After all, they were a part of who he was.  Her mind ambled to the reservation, and she hoped Justin would be able to see it one day.  In spite of poverty, political unrest, and decay, there was much about the area in the southwestern corner of South Dakota that was just as beautiful as the rolling Allegheny mountains of Pennsylvania.  And there were beautiful people there too, people that she often found herself missing terribly, people she hoped one day Justin would be able to meet.

The only sound that could be heard in the room for the next several minutes was the low-pitched hum of the heater under the window.  Justin appeared deep in thought.  Finally, he spoke, a bit hesitantly.  “So uh…let me fill you in a little about my parents…”

Camarin sat up a little straighter and turned to face him.  “I’m sure I’ll love them.”

“I have no doubt that you will…”  The question is, will they love you?  Justin stewed a bit more, as if looking for the right words to say.  “It’s just…well, my Dad is...”

“You’re worried he won’t like me because I’m Indian.”  It wasn’t a question.  While Camarin knew Justin had told his parents about her background and nationality, she figured seeing her in person might prove a bit awkward for them.  She wondered if they had even met an American Indian before. 

Justin’s throat tightened and he felt like the cat caught with the canary in its teeth.  “It’s just that…well, New Colton is a small town, Cam.  And a lot of the people here are very…conservative.  Interracial marriage, no matter what the nationality, is not very common here…”

Camarin searched for the right words to say to put Justin’s mind at ease.  She appreciated that he was trying to prepare her for a possible less than open-armed reception.  But, Camarin was used to prejudice.  In her lifetime, she had been called derogatory names, been passed over for jobs, been spat on, and even smacked around a time or two…all because of the color of her skin and where she came from.  She couldn’t imagine Justin’s parents would dish out anything quite as hateful as many of the mistreatments she’d already had to endure.  “I understand, honey.  And I’m sure it’ll be okay…”

“Well, I want to apologize for them in advance…just in case.”

“Okay…”  Camarin reached over and cupped Justin’s face between her hands.  “Just as long as you’re happy, that’s all I care about.”

“Oh, I’m very happy.”  Justin smiled as he raised a hand and lightly caressed Camarin’s cheek, still enamored by the smooth complexion that was the color of a Sedona sunset.  In his entire life, he had never seen anyone so beautiful, or loved anyone so much.  He brushed a kiss over her lips that quickly fed into something more.  When they parted, he decided to change course slightly.  “Don’t worry, I’m sure I’ll hear about my hair, too.”

“Your hair?”  Camarin crinkled her nose, puzzled.

“Oh my, God…”  Justin waxed dramatic.  “Heaven forbid it touch my collar!”

“Really?”  Camarin ran her fingers through Justin’s layered locks, the longest of which fell just to his shoulders.

“Oh, yes…”  He went on.  “I remember the night I announced I wanted to try a duck-tail.  My dad insisted they were only for ‘hoods’ while my mom went on and on about ‘if God intended for boys to wear duck tails, He’d have given them webbed feet…’”

Camarin laughed.  “Are you serious?”

“Dead serious.”

“Well, I for one love your hair just the way it is.”  Camarin gave it a playful tousle.

“And I love you just the way you are.”  Justin leaned in for another kiss, this one growing more passionate.

“And that’s…”  Camarin tried to catch enough breath between kisses.  “All that…”  She let out a small gasp as Justin’s hand found its way inside her blouse.  “Matters…”

“Let’s stop talking.”  Justin gave his fiancée a look that could have melted the lacquer on the bedside table.  Then, he took control of the situation, flopping her onto her back on the bed, gently, but it was clear he didn’t intend for this interaction to end with a simple kiss.

“You’re supposed to be rest--…”   Camarin’s warning was cut off by a finger on her lip.

Justin continued to speak between kisses.  “It’s been…way too…long…”

With that, Camarin said no more, but instead succumbed to the man who had brought her all the way across the country just so he could let go of his past and fully commit to her forever.  She felt like the luckiest woman alive.

***

“Right there is where we used to go to church.”  Justin pointed out the window at the large gray stone church on the corner, its steeple spires towering high above all of the other buildings on the wide, tree lined street.  “In fact, Mom and Dad probably still do.”  His eyes scanned the businesses to his right.  “And right up here…I think…Yeah, there it is.”  A fluttering he could only describe as ‘nostalgia’ crept up through his chest and settled in his throat.  It was the pizza place where everyone hung out after the football games on Friday nights, the pizza place he often took Abby to on their dates, the place where Abby had dinner with her brother right before they were killed.  “It’s uh…it looks like it’s under new ownership now.”  Justin observed the new sign in the window.  “It used to be called Jo-Jo’s.”

Camarin’s eyes followed to where Justin was pointing.  She couldn’t help but notice the somewhat haunted look on his face.  “Good pizza?”

“The best.”  He pointed up ahead.  “If you make a right here, I’ll show you the football field.”

Camarin followed Justin’s directions, maneuvering the rental car onto the next street.  “How far is your parents’ place from here?”

“Not far.”

That’s good.  Camarin thought to herself.  While she was glad to see all of these images from Justin’s past, she could tell this trip down memory lane was at times upsetting to him.

“You can just pull into the park here, and we can get out and walk around a bit.”  He motioned her into the parking lot near the field.  Once the car was stopped, he got out, somewhat stiffly, and leaned on the car for a few seconds for support.

“Are you okay?”  Camarin pocketed the keys and moved around to the passenger side.

“Fine.”  Justin promised as he positioned his crutches and they began walking.  He had almost forgotten that Decembers in Pennsylvania were quite a bit colder than they were in L.A. and he wished for a warmer coat.  “Are you cold?”

“A little.”  Camarin admitted.  But, she was used to harsh winters.  “But, I’m okay.”

“Well, we won’t stay long…”  Justin looked around the park and felt as though two timelines were converging in this spot.  Certain things were exactly as he remembered them…the old set of metal monkey bars in the form of a giant spider looked as if it hadn’t seen a fresh coat of paint since he was in high school.  Then, there was the concession stand at the end of the field standing exactly as he remembered it, and still smelling of stale popcorn and burnt hotdogs.  He breathed in deeply, allowing the aroma to take him back until he could almost hear the roar of the crowd and Abby leading the cheers…

But, opening his eyes and taking a quick look around, he noticed there were lots of differences too.  For one thing, the pool building had been completely remodeled.  It was bigger and more modern now.  And the press box above the home team bleachers had been completely rebuilt and was painted in New Colton’s school colors of maroon and steel.  A giant wildcat snarled in the center, just below the window.

Strolling through the familiar park, Justin couldn’t help but think life was like this, some parts changing for the better as time moved on, and some staying exactly the same.  It almost seemed fitting that while some memories of Abby seemed to be peeking out from the spaces between the bleachers, others appeared to be hidden by new buildings and layers of paint.  He looked over at Camarin who stood under the goalpost at the far end of the football field and a chill ran down his spine.  It was like she didn’t quite belong here, yet simultaneously had belonged here all the time.  He crutched up behind her and wrapped one arm around her midsection, leaning his chin on her shoulder.  “So, this is it.  This is where Justin Quinn, star quarterback, used to strut his stuff.”

Camarin smiled and leaned back into Justin’s warmth.  “I’m impressed.”

“As you should be!”  Justin teased. 

“I wish I could have seen you play.”  Camarin looked out at the faded white lines on the field and imagined a young version of her fiancé running from one to the other before finally diving into the end zone with triumphant testosterone fueled vigor.

“Well, I think there are some old movies around somewhere.”  Justin shifted his position slightly, so as not to drop his crutches.  “There was a guy at our church who used to film some of the games.  He would give them to my parents so Dad could watch, since he never made it out on Friday nights.”

“Oh?  Why not?”  Camarin was saddened to hear that Justin’s father didn’t watch him play.

“Work usually.”  Justin revealed in a tone that told Camarin he didn’t really believe that.  Even back then, he knew that although his father worked a lot of overtime, he often did so voluntarily.  He claimed it was to have more money for the family, which in part was true.  But Justin had always suspected there was more to it than that.

“So, did he watch the movies?”

“I don’t know…I don’t think so.”  Tired of talking about this, Justin shouldered his crutches and turned around.  “Come on, we better get going.  It looks like it might snow.”

Camarin looked up at the graying sky.  “You know, I think you may be right.  Maybe at least Pennsylvania will see a white Christmas.”

“Yeah, but crutches and snow are not a good combination.”  Justin started moving toward the car.

“No, I suppose not.”  Camarin laughed as she followed him back to the parking lot.

***

“Here you go, McKenna.  Home sweet home.”  Johnny entered the kitchen cradling his daughter in his arms.  Hannah followed right behind with Malcolm.

“We wanted to give you more of a welcome home party…”  Joanne explained, as she took Malcolm from Hannah’s arms and began making cooing sounds.

“But they sprang you so soon, we didn’t have time!”  Roy finished his wife’s sentence.

“I guess they figured if Gage and Hannah could deliver their babies on their own, they could take care of them now that they’re born.”  Chet quipped from his position in the archway between the kitchen and the living room.  He popped a potato chip into his mouth.

“Kelly, those are for the party.”  Cap reprimanded.

“Well, they’re here!”  Chet pointed toward the Gages in defense of his snacking.  “It’s party time!”

Always amused by Chet’s antics, Hannah jumped to his defense.  “That’s right, Chet.  You go right ahead and eat!”

“Well now that’s more like it…”  Chet disappeared into the living room, presumably for another potato chip.

“Johnny, we know you’ve been pretty uh…busy lately.”  Roy had some news to share with the new parents.  “So, we all got together and we got you a little something.”

“Really?”  Johnny was curious.

“Yep!”  Cap beamed.  “It’s back in the bedroom.”

Johnny led Hannah down the hall and when they entered their bedroom, they got a pleasant…and very welcome…surprise.  Standing near the bed was the bassinet they had purchased in preparation for their newborn.  And right beside it was an identical bassinet with matching linens and mobile.  After exclamations of thanks were offered and received, the babies were placed in their new beds.

“Roy is going to bring over Jennifer’s old crib when you’re ready for it.”  Joanne informed.  “That is, if you want it…”

“That would be great!”  Hannah gave Joanne a hug.  “Thanks!”

“And I’ve got a ton of clothes you can go through.  For a boy and a girl!”

“That’s right, I guess you do!”  Hannah was so grateful for these friends of Johnny’s who had so seamlessly become friends of hers. 

But Joanne wasn’t finished.  “And of course any time you need a sitter…”

“Hey, not so fast…”  Chet walked into the conversation.  “I thought I had a reputation as the best baby-sitter…”

“Well, I think Jenny and Chris would say that honor goes to their Uncle Johnny.”  Joanne gave Chet a pat on the back.  “But, you would definitely be a close second, Chet.”

Everyone shared a laugh at the dejected expression on the stocky man’s face.

“The rest of the guys send their congrats.”  Cap patted Johnny on the back.  “They all had other plans today.”

“And of course Tag is working.”  Roy supplied.

“Right…”  Johnny nodded.  Then he remembered a few other people who were missing.  “Has anyone heard anything from Justin and Camarin?”

“Oh, I’m sorry, I forgot to tell you!”  Unable to resist, Joanne walked around to the nearest bassinet and plucked Malcolm from the mattress.  It appeared McKenna was sleeping now, and she smiled at the peaceful sight.  “Camarin called when they got to the motel.  She said they’re fine, and they’ll be back in a few days.”

“Justin’s all right?”  Even though Joanne had just said the couple was fine, Johnny was concerned about his friend’s state of health right now, and like Todd, understood why he felt he needed to go, but was unable to avoid worrying that it might not be the best move.

“She said they were fine, Johnny.”  Joanne repeated.  “And you know Justin.  He wouldn’t admit he wasn’t anyway.”

“Hmmm….”  Hannah voiced, throwing her husband a suspicious look.  “Sounds like somebody else I know.”

“Who?”  Johnny asked, seemingly clueless.  Then, recognition dawned on his face.  “Oh, very funny.”

Cap’s commanding voice drew everyone’s attention.  “Well, I think we should get out of here and let Hannah get some rest, shall we?”

“I’m fine, Hank…”  Hannah insisted, hating to see her friends leave so soon.  But in truth, she was looking forward to spending her first day at home with her new family.  And she was feeling a little tired and sore.  “You don’t have to go so soon.”

“Yeah, besides…it’s Gage who’s gonna need the rest.”  Chet joked and turned to Johnny.  “Those babies are gonna have you hoppin’ man.”  He started counting off on his fingers.  “Two o’clock feedings…diaper changes…baths…”

“Yes, Chet…”  Hannah smiled.  “We know all about those things…”

“We do?”  Johnny’s eyebrow rose innocently.  “No one ever told me about two o’clock feedings.  Is that a.m. or p.m.”

“Don’t worry…”  Roy patted Johnny on the shoulder.  “You’ll find out soon enough.”

“Yep, and then as soon as you get used to the schedule, it’ll change.”  Cap offered his own advice, having helped rear two children himself.

“It will?”  Johnny appeared somewhat deflated and confused.

“Don’t worry, honey…”  Hannah soothed as she accepted Malcolm back from Joanne and the couple followed their friends to the door.  “You’ll be just fine.”

“Yeah…okay…”  Johnny suddenly didn’t feel as confident as he had a few minutes ago.

Once everyone had gone, Hannah started toward the living room.  Malcolm was getting fussy.  “I think this little guy is getting hungry…”

“Should I get a bottle ready?”  Johnny asked.

“Yep.”  Hannah sat down on the recliner.  “May as well get him fed now, because it’s only a matter of time before…”

She was cut off by a high pitched wail coming from the bedroom.  Hannah sighed and smiled up at Johnny.

“I’ll go get her.”  Johnny headed off in the direction of the cry.

“Better make that two bottles.”  She smiled.  Yes, in one magical moment, their lives had been forever changed.  But that was okay with her.

***

A sudden wave of anxiety swept over Justin as he led the way up the walk that led to his parents’ front stoop, his childhood home.  He noticed there was a wreath on the door, but no lights or other elements of the Christmas display he used to enjoy growing up.  He didn’t think too much of it.  After all, his father’s health hadn’t been great this past year or so.  And, most of the time, even back then, the lights and nativity scene didn’t get set up until Hannah began pushing the issue, and Justin would take matters into his own hands.  He couldn’t understand why his palms were sweating at the thought of seeing his own mom and dad, but he could feel them slipping on the crutches as he carefully stepped up onto the stoop and rang the bell.

Kathleen Quinn was just finishing up the breakfast dishes when she heard the doorbell.  “Liam?  Can you get that?”  Frustrated at the lack of an answer, she hastily wiped her hands on a towel and hurried to the door.  “Coming...”  She threw back the deadbolt and opened the door and stood too shocked to speak for a moment at what she saw.  “Oh my…”  Her hand moved to her mouth and she reached for the handle on the storm door.  “Justin?”

“In the flesh, Mom.”  Justin’s huge smile was genuine.  He hadn’t seen his mother in years, and seeing her now felt familiar and comforting.  For the time being, all of his trepidation seeped away and he stepped inside, only to be enveloped in a tight embrace that seemed never-ending.

“Oh, Justin…”  Kathleen couldn’t hold back her tears.  “I can’t believe it’s really you.”

“Yeah…it’s me.”  Finally released, Justin pecked Kathleen on the cheek.  He stepped to the side, revealing the dark skinned woman who still stood outside the door and he took her hand, leading her in.  “And this…is Camarin.”

Kathleen couldn’t help but be slightly taken aback by Camarin’s appearance.  But, she couldn’t deny the woman was attractive.  She wore a fitted, suede skirt the color of chocolate and a colorful blouse with billowy sleeves.  Her eyes and skin were dark and her inky black hair was loose and windblown and fell to a point just below her hips.  She did her best not to stare as she held out her hand.  “Nice to meet you, Camarin.  I’m Kathleen Quinn.  But, I suppose Justin told you that already.”

Camarin smiled as she accepted the handshake.  “Yes…yes he did.”  Kathleen was nothing like the matronly woman she had pictured.  In fact, although Camarin figured she had to be at least in her mid to late sixties, she was trim and quite attractive.  And while Camarin had pictured Hannah to favor her mother, she found the exact opposite to be true.  It was clear that Justin, and presumably his twin brother Jonas, had inherited the maternal genes.  “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Quinn.”

“Call me Kathleen.”  Now that the formalities were out of the way, she took a moment to step back and get a good look at her son.  Justin looked a lot different than he had the last time she had seen him, that much was certain.  For one thing, his hair, which had always been just a shade lighter than brown, was streaked blonde from years spent in the sun.  And it fell to his shoulders, with shorter layers framing his face.  He sported at least a two or three day growth of stubble that tapered to a slightly more grown in goatee that was almost black and speckled with minute flecks of gray.  He was dressed casually in a pair of jeans and a cotton shirt, and his skin was tanned almost as dark as the woman standing beside him.  And then there were the crutches he was leaning on.  She thought back to the phone call she had received from Hannah the night Justin was taken to the hospital, as well as the subsequent follow up conversations.  She remembered how she had lain awake at night worrying herself sick, and how she had wanted so terribly to fly out to Los Angeles to be with her children, not just this time, but so many times during these past few years.  But, it was not to be.  “Well, come on in and sit down.  I’ll make us some tea…”

“You don’t have to do that, Mom.”  Justin made his way over to the sofa, but any further protest was lost on Kathleen, who was on her way back the hall.

“Liam!  You’ll never guess who’s here…”

“Well, that’s one down.”  Justin mused under his breath, causing Camarin to giggle softly.

“She’s very nice.”  Camarin settled beside her fiancé.  “And now I see where you get your good looks.”

Justin chortled.  “Ha!  You may want to tell her that.”

“Might win me some points, huh?”  Camarin chided.

Justin immediately regretted his choice of words.  “Cam, I didn’t mean…”

“Justin…it’s okay…”  Camarin rested a hand on his thigh.  While she knew Kathleen’s graciousness was possibly more a matter of good breeding and manners than anything resembling acceptance, she didn’t want Justin to fret about it.  The small Christmas tree in the corner caught her eye and she admired it from her seat on the couch.  “You know that’s one thing I’ve never had.”

Justin followed Camarin’s eyes to the far side of the room.  “What…a Christmas tree?”

“Yes.”  She allowed her eyes to wander over the delicate boughs that were heavy laden with ornaments of every shape and size and wondered what it would look like all lit up.

Justin leaned back, reminiscing.  Although the tree was smaller than the ones he remembered, the star and the ornaments were familiar, and brought back memories of family gathered around opening presents and listening to Bing Crosby.  “Mom would never let Dad buy an artificial tree.  She always insisted on a real one.  Looks like she still wins that argument.”

“Can we have a tree this year?”  Camarin wondered.

“Sure we can.”  Justin promised, then looked up at the sound of his father’s voice.

“Justin? 

“Hey, Dad!”  Despite the fact that his relationship with his father had been strained at best, Justin was genuinely happy to see him.  He was also surprised to see him looking so well.  This did not fit with the picture that had been painted for him and Hannah as of late, and Justin wasn’t quite sure at this moment how to feel about that.  He started to push himself up.

“No…no, don’t get up, son.”  Spying the crutches leaning against the couch, and remembering Hannah’s report that Justin had broken his leg recently, Liam Quinn made a motion with his hand indicating he should stay seated.  He walked over and shook hands with him, offered a barely perceptible smile to Camarin, and took a seat in his favorite recliner.

“Dad, this is Camarin.”  Justin put his arm around his fiancée, fully aware of the cool reception, and determined to let his father know he was.

“I figured that.”  Liam made no attempt to get up again.  “Good to meet you.”  He took a moment to study the young woman seated next to his son.  He didn’t know much about Indians, except the stereotype burned into his brain from their depiction in television westerns as well as everything he had heard on the news the past few years, and it was a little disconcerting to have one sitting in his living room, even more disconcerting that she was going to marry into the family.  It had been bad enough finding out Hannah was getting married to a ‘half-Indian.’  But, Camarin, if he remembered correctly, was full blood. 

Then, Liam turned his attention to his son, who he hadn’t seen in several years.  His hair was far too long, his shirt was baggy and un-tucked, his jeans were way too tight, and it looked like he hadn’t shaved in a week.  Seeing Justin like this, he could only wonder what the west coast had done to transform his daughter.

“I’m glad to meet you too!”  Camarin flashed her best smile, also taking a moment to size up her fiance’s father.  She wasn’t sure what she had expected him to look like, but this certainly wasn’t it.  Where Justin was tall and long limbed, Liam was solidly built, but short and stocky.  His balding hair was graying, but she could tell it had once been a vibrant shade of red.

After a period of somewhat awkward silence, Kathleen broke the ice.  “So, what brings you to Pennsylvania?”

“Well, for one thing, Camarin wanted to meet you.”  Justin wasn’t planning on telling his parents his real reasons for coming, and this wasn’t really a lie.  “We’re getting married in March.”

“Really?  So soon?”  Kathleen asked, inexplicably uncomfortable with the idea.

“It’s not so soon, Mom.”  Justin wrapped his hand around Camarin’s.  “We’ve been engaged for a while now.”

“I suppose…”

“We’d love for you to come if you’re able.”  Justin put out the invitation because it seemed the thing to do.  But, he already knew what the answer would be.  It seemed his father’s failing health was always the excuse for not flying out for a visit.  “That is, if Dad’s feeling up to it.”  He watched his parents’ reaction carefully, noting that his mother seemed a bit uncomfortable while his father showed no emotion at all.  Not surprisingly, Kathleen changed the subject.

“So, how are Hannah and the babies?”

“They’re doing great.”  Justin went with the flow.  “We brought pictures if you want to see them.”

“Oh, yes!”  Kathleen had been thrilled to find out she was a grandmother, had wanted nothing more in the world than to meet her grandchildren.  But, as usual, Liam hadn’t wanted to make the trip.  With tears in her eyes, she moved over and sat down on the couch next to Camarin, who was taking a photo album out of her purse.

“And John is doing okay too.”  Justin couldn’t help the tiny bit of sarcasm edged in his voice.

“Oh, right.”  Kathleen nodded.  “So he’s doing okay…after his accident and everything?”

Justin decided not to reveal that Johnny was on leave from the fire department.  The fact that he wasn’t able to work right now would only add more fuel to his parents’ already misguided fire.  “Yeah, he’s doing fine.”  He made brief eye contact with Camarin.

“And you?  How’s your leg?”  Kathleen reached out and placed a tentative hand on Justin’s thigh.

“Doing fine.”

The next few minutes were spent with Kathleen looking at the pictures they had brought and sharing them with Liam, who managed a smile at the sight of his grandchildren.  After a period of the somewhat awkward small talk that often accompanied reunions in which the parties had drifted apart, Liam cleared his throat and asked a question.

“So…do you ever hear from Jonas?”

Justin’s jaw tensed, and he could feel Camarin squeezing his hand a bit tighter.  He tried hard not to be angry at his father.  After all, Jonas was his son.  It was a fair question.  But, dammit, Liam also knew what had happened between them during the past year.  “No.”  That was all he was going to offer, and he hoped the issue wouldn’t be pressed further.  It wasn’t.

After about thirty minutes spent catching up, Justin pushed himself up onto his crutches.  “Well, we better get going…”

“So soon?”  Kathleen stood too.  “Can’t you stay for lunch at least?”

“No, I promised Camarin I’d take her over to Deener’s.”  Justin explained.  It was the area’s best diner, and he wanted to visit again himself.  “That is, if it’s still there.”

“It’s still there.”  Liam offered from his chair.  “Still make the best meatloaf in the state.”

Kathleen gave her husband a narrow glare.  It almost seemed as if he was trying to get rid of them.  Then, she turned her attention back to their guests.  “Well, come back for dinner, then.  I could make Justin’s favorite fried chicken and chocolate cream pie…”

“Really?”  Camarin’s eyebrows rose in disbelief.  As health conscious as she knew Justin to be, she couldn’t believe those had apparently once been his favorite foods.

“That sounds great, Mom.”  Justin shot a look at Camarin that meant ‘just let it go’, then he smiled at Kathleen before leaning in to give her a kiss.  “What time’s dinner?”

“How about six o’clock?”

“Okay, we’ll be here by five.”  Justin promised.

“How about four-thirty?”  Camarin suggested.  “I’d like to help with dinner so I can see how you make it!”

Justin looked expectantly at his mother.

“Sure you can help!”  It seemed the initial awkwardness was fading now, and Kathleen was finding herself wanting to get to know Camarin better.  Then, a thought occurred to her.  “How long are you two staying?”

“Just a couple of days.”  Justin said as he made his way to the door.

“Where are you staying?”

“At the Holiday Inn over in Brighton.”

“Oh…okay…”  Kathleen seemed disappointed.

“Why waste your money on a hotel?”  Liam chimed in from the chair.  “Guest room’s made up if you want it.”

Slightly surprised by the offer, but figuring it had more to do with perpetuating the lesson of being frugal than anything resembling hospitality, Justin looked at Camarin for silent advice.  She smiled uneasily, as if to say it was up to him.  “We’ll talk about it.”

“Okay, good.”  Kathleen helped Justin with his jacket.  “Don’t you have anything warmer?  You’re going to catch a death of a cold…”

“This is all I have, Mom.”  His heavier coats had been destroyed in the fire, but he didn’t feel like bringing that up.  “It doesn’t get this cold in L.A.”

“No, I suppose not…”

“We’ll see you later, okay?”  Justin planted another kiss on Kathleen’s cheek.

“Okay, honey.  Be careful.”  Kathleen stood in the doorway and watched until the couple pulled out of the driveway and drove down the street.  Then she returned to the living room and crossed her arms in front of her chest.  “Liam Quinn, I swear by all that’s holy…could you have done a finer job of making them feel unwelcome?”

“How did I make them feel unwelcome?”  Liam protested.  “I offered them the guest room…”

“Yes…you did do that.”  Kathleen agreed.  “But, you could have acted a little happier to see your son.”

“I was happy to see him.  What did you want me to do?  Jump up and down?”

Kathleen sighed heavily at the sarcasm.  “No, but you didn’t even move out of that chair.  And you barely said three words.  Especially to Camarin.”

“I can’t help it, Kathleen.  He’s just…changed.  So much.  I feel like I don’t know who he is anymore.”

“Well, you could put a little more effort into trying, not that you tried that hard even when he was living at home…”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means that…”  Kathleen stopped, unsure if she should say what she wanted to say.  Then, propelled by Justin’s visit and a sudden desire to have her family back, she went for it.  “You were barely around when Justin was young.  You didn’t even take the time to know him back then.”

“I had to work.” Liam could feel his anger rising in defense.

“Well, you don’t now.”  Kathleen paced the room, too worked up now to sit.  “When I think about how much we’ve missed… And we haven’t seen Hannah in almost two years.  We haven’t even met John…our grandchildren…”

“Much easier for them to come visit us.”  Liam insisted grumpily.

“With newborns?”  Kathleen asked incredulously.  “Besides, Liam, they all have jobs.  There’s really nothing to tie us down here.  We weren’t at Hannah’s wedding…or there with Justin after he got hurt.  He could have died, you know.  What if he had?  What if we’d never gotten to see him again?”  She was doing her best to hold back her emotion, but tears began to track down her cheeks.  She hastily wiped them away.  “I’m tired of making excuses, Liam.  They’re our children.”

“They’re the ones who left, Kathleen.  They knew they had a home here.  They’re the ones who chose to leave it.”

“So…you’re saying Justin should be punished because he wanted to get as far away as he could from everything that reminded him of Abby?  His heart was broken…”

“That’s not the only reason he left.”

“No, you’re right.”  Kathleen was becoming angrier, as if twenty years of holding back was now threatening to erupt.  “He also left because you lost faith in him.  When Tommy said it was Justin who ran him off the road…you believed him.”

“A man would have stuck around and tried to set things straight.  Would have put his family first.”  Liam insisted.  “Hannah was crushed when Justin left…”

“And what about Hannah?”  Kathleen continued.  “Should she be punished because she wanted to get away from Kent?”

“She could have come here.  We would have protected her.  She didn’t need to go all the way out to Los Angeles…meet up with…with…”

“Why don’t you go ahead and say it, Liam?”  Kathleen stood in front of the chair, arms crossed, challenging.  “Why don’t you admit that you don’t approve of Justin and Hannah marrying Indians?”

“God, Kathleen, you make me sound like some kind of bigot!”  Liam was becoming red in the face.  “I never said that!  I just…”  He ran his hand through his thinning hair.  “I just don’t understand that whole…lifestyle…out there.  I mean, living on the beach and….the long hair…the sloppy clothes…”  He pointed toward the door as if Justin were still standing there.

“He’s still our son.  And Hannah is our daughter.  She sounds so happy when she talks about John.  And we haven’t even met him.  We keep blaming our not going out there on your health.  Well Justin could see plain as day you’re not on your death bed, so how do you think that’s going to make him feel?  What if he tells Hannah?”

“He won’t tell Hannah.”

“You’re right.  He won’t.  Because he loves her too much.”  Kathleen sighed and turned around.  “But he’ll know.”

“Nothing I can do about that now.”

“That’s what you think.”  Kathleen threw back with a disapproving glare.  After receiving no reaction, she left the room.  She didn’t know how she was going to manage it, but from here on out, she was determined to be involved in her children’s…and now grandchildren’s…lives again.  She had already lost way too much time.

***

Justin was quiet on the way back to the motel.  He busied himself staring out the window, speaking only occasionally to offer Camarin directions.

And Camarin was unsure what to do to break the tension.  She knew that Justin had not been expecting a joyful, prodigal son-type reunion, but deep down she had hoped he had been wrong about what would happen here this morning.  Her thoughts meandered to Kaya and Rose.  Like any parent, she sometimes found herself thinking ahead to the day they would eventually leave home, and she wondered how she would deal with that without feeling as though a part of her was missing.  She considered those parents whose children stayed close to home the lucky ones, and she could only hope that her girls would not choose to move to the opposite side of the country one day. 

As Camarin considered the morning’s events, she began to feel sorry for Kathleen Quinn.  Although she appeared to be a strong woman, it was obvious she could be easily influenced by her husband.  Camarin could tell that she wished circumstances were different, that she wanted nothing more than to throw her arms around her son and never let him go again.  After all, she was a mother too.  But, Liam…it seemed that Justin hadn’t exaggerated in his description of his father.  And that was a shame.  “Anything you want to talk about?”  She finally posed tentatively.

“Huh?  No…”  Justin pointed up ahead.  “You’ll want to take a right at the light.”

Camarin was frustrated and unsure of what to say.  She knew nothing she ventured would fix anything.  After all, this was a situation that had grown over the course of decades, and there was no magic word that would set things right.  Even if some healing were to take place, it wasn’t going to happen in a matter of two days.  She made the right turn Justin had suggested and continued on down the road.

Justin’s head was beginning to pound.  He knew he needed some rest, but that wasn’t the only reason for his suddenly ill-feeling state.  Ever since he had set foot in his childhood home his mind had been swimming with a hundred jumbled thoughts.  For one thing, he hadn’t realized how much he had missed his mother until he saw her standing just inside the door with open arms.  But, his father…

Justin sighed.  How many times had he and Hannah heard over the past few years that his health had been failing?  At least that was the reason given whenever they had wanted their parents to fly out to Los Angeles for a visit.  Although Justin knew that looks could be deceiving, his Dad certainly hadn’t seemed any worse for the wear.  Hurt and the feeling of abandonment that could only come from being betrayed or unwanted by a parent churned in Justin’s stomach.  Then, quickly that nauseating mixture segued into anger.  It was one thing that Mom and Dad hadn’t cared enough to come out when he had been hospitalized and not expected to survive, but they had missed Hannah and John’s wedding too.  And regardless of how his father felt about him, Hannah had always been the apple of his eye.  To put her off like that was despicable in Justin’s mind.  He had even offered to pay for their plane tickets.

“Your mom seemed happy we’re coming back for dinner.”  Camarin tried to get Justin to focus on the positive aspects of the visit, and there were a few.

“Yeah…”

“Fried chicken and chocolate pie, huh?”  Camarin teased.

That question finally coaxed a half-smile.  “I was a growing boy back then.”  He patted his tummy, causing Camarin to giggle.

After another period of pre-occupied silence, Camarin thought she might know what was really bugging her fiancé.  “Listen, Justin.  If you’re worried that I’m upset, don’t be.  Your mother is a delight.  I think we’re really going to get along.”

“Yeah…”  Justin smiled.  He had been happy to see his mother and Camarin getting along so well.  “Yeah, that’s good.”

“And your Dad…”  Camarin paused to compose her thoughts.  The last thing she wanted was for this to come out in a way she didn’t intend it. 

“That’s just Dad, Cam.”  Justin cut in, refusing to allow Camarin to find a way to justify his father’s behavior.  “It’s the way he is.  The way he’s always been.  Distant…closed minded.  One of those people who have an opinion about everything, and it’s always the right one.  Never mind that he’s never been to college and has rarely been outside the county.  But, one thing about Dad…he’s never wrong.  And don’t you dare suggest that he is.  He just…has his mind made up about certain things, and Jesus Christ himself could tell him he’s wrong, and it wouldn’t make a difference.  Oh, but he worked hard to support his family.  He’ll make sure to tell you that.  And he’s proud of it.  And I appreciate it, Cam.  I really do.  I mean, we had things we never would have had if Dad hadn’t worked so much overtime…”

Surprised at the sudden catharsis, Camarin allowed Justin room to speak what was on his mind.  It was only after his voice trailed off, that she finally interjected.  “But, you would have rather had a little more of his time.”  She thought back to life on the reservation.  People there didn’t have much in the way of material things, since most were out of work, which gave them very little but time to spend together.  She found herself wondering who was better off.

“He never came to one of my games, Cam.  Not one.  When I graduated from USC, do you know what he said to me?  He said… ‘What ever happened to medical school?’  All I ever wanted was for him to be proud of me…”  Justin stopped when he realized his words echoed those of his twin brother after he had caused the accident that resulted in Abby’s death.  And again after he had brutally beaten John Gage.  ‘I just wanted Dad to be proud of me.  I thought maybe he’d let me back in…’  Justin shivered.  “Man, that sounds familiar, doesn’t it?”

“What does?”

Justin simply would not allow this train of thought to lead him into forgiving his brother for the heinous things he had done, but in one microsecond of clarity, he suddenly realized the motivation, however misguided it was.  Jonas was sick.  That much was certain.  Truthfully, he probably belonged more in some mental institution than in a jail cell.  But at the root of his psychosis was anger.  And an ongoing quest for approval.  In his twisted mind, Jonas had thought he was protecting Justin’s honor by running Tommy and Abby’s car off the road that night.  After all, he didn’t know Tommy, and assumed Abby had been cheating.  Then, when he had beaten John, Jonas had been wrongfully informed by Hannah’s abusive ex-husband, Kent, that John had been the one doing the abusing.  Again, in Jonas’ warped reality, he thought he was protecting his sister.  All in the name of making his father proud. 

From what little psychology Justin had studied in high school and college, he knew that most mental disorders could be traced back to some issue from childhood…some faulty relationship with a parent.  Of course, not everyone who grew up under those circumstances ended up in sanitariums or correctional institutions.  But, certainly some people were pre-disposed or more susceptible somehow.  He shivered to think that it could just as easily been him who had ended up in prison, instead of Jonas.  And he found himself wondering how his brother’s life might have turned out differently if they’d had a supportive father in the picture.

“Nothing…”  Justin didn’t want to go into all of this with Camarin just yet.  It was a lot to sort out.  “Just…thinking.”

“Well, you have to be tired.”  Camarin pulled the rented car into an available space near the door to their first floor motel room.  “And I really don’t have much appetite for lunch yet.  So, why don’t you get some rest before we head back out?  You can show me around some more later.  That is…if you still want to.”

“Yeah, I still want to.”  Justin opened his door and steadied himself on his crutches.  He really was feeling beat and he knew a nap was definitely in order.  He made his way into the room and sat down on the bed before allowing Camarin to take off his shoes.  Then, he laid down on the freshly made bed without even drawing back the covers.

As Justin drifted off to sleep, he thought about the memories he had rekindled over the past twenty-four hours.  Some were a welcome revisitation, while others would have probably been better off left alone.  The more his conscious thoughts melded with dreamlike revelations, he began to realize that perhaps his coming here would ultimately serve more than one purpose.  He had a choice to make.  He could spend the rest of his days pining over the relationships he wished he had, or he could be thankful for the people he was blessed to have in his life.  After all, John Gage’s loyalty paralleled that of a dedicated father.  And Todd Andrews’ encouragement over the past two decades, as well as the confidence he had in Justin’s abilities as a physical therapist, could be an easy substitute for a father’s pride, guidance, and acceptance.

And then there was Camarin.  He had once loved Abby more than he thought it possible to love.  That is, until he met Camarin.  And although if left to dwell on the past, there were still times it was possible to miss Abby terribly, Justin was beginning to realize now that he had been holding onto her memory more out of duty and allegiance than out of love.  His heart belonged to Camarin now.  She filled his soul to overflowing and her passion and devotion filled in any blanks the other people in his life left uncovered. 

Then there was the matter of having children.  Justin began to wonder now if the reason it had been so important to him was so that he could right the wrongs of his own childhood.  With that realization, he decided he was at peace with the fact that he would never have a biological child of his own.  And he resolved to be the kind of father to Kaya and Rose that he always wished he’d had.  To be present and supportive and offer plenty of the one thing that, aside from love, was possibly more valuable than anything else a father could give his children.  Time.

As all of these thoughts combined into a clear goal, Justin’s last thought before succumbing to the most relaxing sleep he’d had in a while centered around the notion of letting go…and moving on. 

***

“Coming, Malcolm!”  A very harried Johnny checked the temperature of his son’s formula for the umpteenth time.  And he cursed under his breath at what he found.  Even though it had not been warm enough seemingly just a few seconds ago, now it was so hot it burned when it dropped onto the inside of his wrist.  “Now what do I do?”  He asked the empty room for advice as he quickly moved to the sink and began running the bottle under cold water.  All the while, Malcolm continued to wail incessantly from his bassinet in the living room.  For the life of him, Johnny couldn’t figure out how McKenna could sleep through the racket.

“Oh…no…”  Realizing that he had jinxed himself for even entertaining such a thought, Johnny sat the bottle down in the sink and ran to the living room to check on his now fussing daughter.  He began rocking the bassinet hopefully.  “No…no….come on now, honey.  It’s all right…go back to sleep…”  He breathed an immense sigh of relief when McKenna’s eyes, unbelievably in all the noise, slowly closed and it appeared she was asleep once again.  Then, Johnny moved over and picked up Malcolm, who was red-faced and still screaming from hunger.  “Okay, buddy…sh-sh-sh…let’s get you some lunch now…” 

Johnny carried Malcolm into the kitchen and glanced at the clock on the wall.  Hannah’s doctor appointment was at 11:30.  It was 11:45 now.  Joanne had offered to babysit while Johnny took Hannah to the office, but Johnny had insisted he could handle things.  The babies should have one of their parents here, he had said.  God, what was I thinking?  He picked up the bottle from the sink with his free hand, and of course, it was too cold again.  So, back into the pan of hot water it went, which Johnny noticed was now at a rolling boil.  He quickly shut off the gas.  Baby bottles can’t melt, can they?  While he waited, he rocked and bounced and bounced and rocked some more, but Malcolm was adamant that nothing except a nice, warm bottle of formula would do right now.  Johnny thought of the pacifier on the ledge, and quickly reached for it, trying to coax it into Malcolm’s mouth.  A satisfied smile broke out on his face when the baby seemed to take it and began suckling.  Then, just as quickly, joy turned to frustration as Malcolm spit the pacifier out onto the floor and began wailing again.

Realizing he had been distracted by the pacifier and had probably left the bottle in the boiling water too long, Johnny again cursed under his breath and plucked the bottle out, shaking off the water.  Then, he looked at Malcolm, and looked at the bottle.  How was he going to test it while he was holding the baby?  How do women do this stuff?  Stressed, Johnny moved over to the kitchen table and laid the very angry baby down on it while he did a quick check.  Relieved that it was finally the right temperature, Johnny picked up Malcolm and offered him his lunch.  “Here ya go…”  He returned to the living room to check on McKenna now that her brother was sucking greedily.  “Hey….slow down there, pal.  That’s all you’re getting…”

A quick look in the bassinet showed McKenna was still sleeping peacefully, so Johnny settled down into the rocking chair in relief.  He talked to Malcolm as he ate.  “There now…see?  That wasn’t so hard now, was it?  Your Mommy and Aunt Jo didn’t think we could handle being here by ourselves.  I guess we showed them, now didn’t we?  Yes we…”  Johnny’s monologue stopped abruptly when suddenly McKenna woke up crying.  Cursing his ability to jinx himself twice inside fifteen minutes, he stood up while carefully keeping the bottle positioned in Malcolm’s mouth, and moved over toward the bassinets again.  The overwhelming aroma wafting from his daughter’s direction left no doubt as to what woke her.  “Aww, man!”  Johnny exclaimed, nearly gagging.  Then he looked down at Malcolm, who was still sucking contentedly.  “How can you eat with that...”

Johnny looked from one baby to the other, realizing his dilemma.  He knew he couldn’t allow McKenna to lie there in a soiled diaper for more than a minute or two.  But, now Malcolm seemed to be taking his time with the bottle.  “Sure…NOW you decide on a leisurely lunch.”  As McKenna’s cries began to increase in both intensity and volume, the new Daddy knew he needed to act now.  “Sorry, buddy.  You’ll get this back in a bit.”  He pried the bottle out of Malcolm’s tiny mouth, surprised at the power with which he had latched onto it.  Immediately, the baby started screaming.  “I know…I know…but your sister stinks…”  Johnny laid his angry son down in his bassinet.  “In a few years she’ll probably be saying the same thing about you…”

Doing his best to remain calm amidst the duet of crying, Johnny snatched up his daughter gingerly and walked back to the bedroom where the changing table was.  He gagged again.  “Oh…God, McKenna…Whew!”  Finally reaching his destination, he removed plastic pants and safety pins and sat them off to the side before unfolding the diaper tentatively.  The stench hit his nostrils immediately upon being exposed to air and Johnny had to turn away, retching.  It suddenly occurred to him that in his career he had smelled some pretty horrific odors, but right now he couldn’t recall a single one that had been this nauseating and overpowering.  “I guess that formula smells a lot worse coming out than it does going in…”

He tried to remember the steps Hannah had shown him involving diaper duty, and abandoned the idea of washing out the soiled diaper right now.  That could wait until after Malcolm had finished his bottle.  Instead, he folded it, set it to the side, and quickly got McKenna cleaned up, creamed, and powdered.  But not without getting powder all over the changing table as well as himself.  He pulled a fresh diaper off the pile and looked at it.  How did this go again?  He tried to remember how the other one had looked before he’d crumpled it up, but it was no use.  “Oh, well…as long as it covers your bottom…”  He secured the corners as best he could with the safety pins and sealed the deal with a fresh pair of plastic panties.  Now that McKenna was again cooing softly, and smelled a whole lot better, he returned her to her bassinet and picked up her screaming brother, again offering the bottle which he accepted with a shuddering sigh.

Savoring the peace and quiet, and realizing he was going to have to appreciate every precious second he had of it from now on, Johnny returned to the rocking chair, exhausted.  But, no more than ten seconds after he hit the cushion, McKenna began to fuss.  “Shhhhh, it’s okay, honey.  Daddy’s right over here.”  But it was no use.  Within seconds the fussing turned to wailing.  “Oh, no.  That’s not a hungry cry, is it?  Please tell me that’s not a hungry cry…”

***

Justin stretched as he sat on the edge of the bed.  He had awoken several times during the night feeling nauseous, and he had blamed it on the rich dinner his mother had lovingly prepared, and which he had eaten far too much of.  But now, he could feel a familiar weariness in his bones and a tickle in his throat, and he hoped he was not coming down with something.

He figured a warm shower might help soothe the ache in his joints and loosen the tightness in his chest, but he wasn’t able to do that just yet without assistance, and he didn’t want to wake Camarin.  And figuring falling in the shower at his parents’ house was probably toward the top of his list of things he least wanted to do, he decided a cup of tea would have to suffice for now.  He remembered the peppermint tea his mother had always given him whenever he’d had an upset stomach and wondered if she had any on hand.  After getting dressed, he made his way to the kitchen and opened the cabinet where she used to keep it and smiled.  “I guess it’s good to know some things never change…”  He placed a kettle of water on the stove and sat down at the table, holding the aromatic teabag to his nostrils and breathing in the familiar, soothing scent.

Justin thought back to last evening.  All in all dinner had gone smoothly.  He had been happy to see his mother and Camarin getting along so well.  And his Dad…Justin sighed.  He figured Mom must have given Dad a good talking to, because it seemed he was at least making more of an effort.  But, Justin could only wonder if he knew how obvious the effort was.  At least it was something.

Liam had gone to bed almost immediately after dinner, which had disappointed Justin.  Camarin had offered to help Kathleen with the dishes, and Justin had hoped for a little one-on-one time with his Dad.  But, it was not to be.  And, Justin ended up berating himself for getting his hopes up.  After all, Dad wasn’t going to change after all these years.  And Justin wasn’t going to change in order to please him.

Justin pushed himself up from the table as soon as steam began rising from the kettle.  Pleased that he was able to make it to the stove without using his crutches, he removed the water from the burner before the kettle squealed and woke the household.  Then, he poured himself a cup and began making his way back to the table.  He was startled by an unexpected voice.

“Here, let me help you with that.”  Liam entered the kitchen and took the steaming cup from Justin’s hands, setting it down on the table while his son limped the rest of the way and sat down.  “Should you be walking without your crutches?”

“For short distances, yes.  It’s fine.”  Justin hoped his voice hadn’t sounded annoyed.  It was an honest question.  It was just that it was normally so difficult for his father to show concern, Justin had jumped to the conclusion he was scolding him.  But, in retrospect, that hadn’t seemed like the case.  “Thanks for the help, Dad.”

“Do you need any milk or sugar?”  Liam asked, moving toward the refrigerator.

“No, it’s fine the way it is.”  Justin swirled the teabag around in the hot water, and breathed in the minty-scented steam.

“Your stomach upset?”  Liam was familiar with his wife’s use of the herbal tea.

“No, Dad…”  Justin bent the truth.  “I’m fine.  I just…got a craving for some of Mom’s special tea, that’s all.”

“Nothing special about it.”  Liam grunted.  “I’m sure you can get all kinds of teas like that out there in California…”

Justin smiled and resisted the urge to shake his head.  “Yeah…you’re right.”  He took a sip of the brew.  “So, what are you doing up and dressed so early?”

“I meet some friends over at Deener’s for coffee three mornings a week.  Then, we go over to Ralph’s and play poker ‘til lunchtime.”  Liam downed what Justin assumed were a few pills with a glass of juice.

“Poker in the morning?”

“Not so easy to stay up late when you get to be my age, son.”  Liam placed his empty glass in the sink.

“No…I guess not.”  Justin was actually a bit relieved to hear his father was going out.  Although Mom and Camarin were getting along, he had been a bit leery about leaving Camarin here while he went to the cemetery, for fear of what his father might say.  While Justin knew his Dad was not deliberately prejudiced, he wondered if he realized just how discriminating he could sound sometimes.

“What do you have planned today?”

Justin was sort of surprised at the interest.  “Um…well, Camarin is going to stay here with Mom.  Mom said she was going to show her some old pictures and stuff.  And I uh…I have some things to take care of.”

“Like what?”  Liam couldn’t imagine what his son had to take care of, and his curiosity was peaked.

Justin sighed.  He hadn’t planned on telling either of his parents what he was going to do today, but confronted with the question, he couldn’t think of anything that sounded believable, so he went with the truth.  “I’m going to go to the cemetery.”

“Hm.”  Liam crossed his arms thoughtfully.

“I haven’t been to…”  Justin still had trouble saying the word ‘grave’ in association with Abby.  “…to see Abby since I left.”  And he knew the whole set of circumstances surrounding her death was a touchy subject, since it had been Jonas who had actually caused it.

Liam nodded, as if he understood.  “Tying up some loose ends before you get married?”

“Yeah…something like that.”  Justin hoped it was enough of an explanation.

Liam approached the table and acted as if he wanted to say something, then stopped.  Simultaneously, his hand began coming up as if to offer Justin an encouraging pat on the shoulder.  But, that halted in its tracks too.  “Well, uh…make sure you dress warm.  It’s supposed to snow today.”

“Okay…thanks, Dad.”  Justin watched his father leave, perplexed by what had just transpired.  It had seemed as if his father wanted to tell him something, but Justin couldn’t figure what.  And, he couldn’t help but think that the warning about the snow was a thinly veiled attempt at some other offering of advice.  But what advice, he didn’t know.  He took another sip of his tea, allowing it’s warmth to soothe his scratchy throat on the way down.  Then, he looked up at the sound of another unexpected, yet sweeter voice.

“Still not feeling good?”  Camarin padded into the kitchen, a look of concern on her face as she sat down beside Justin at the table.

“Who said I wasn’t feeling good?”

“You’re forgetting I was a medicine woman on the reservation.”  Camarin reminded playfully.  But, then she turned serious.  “Besides, I know when you aren’t feeling well.  You were up half the night, and now here you are drinking peppermint tea.”  She pointed to the still-steaming mug.

“I like peppermint tea.”  Justin protested, knowing the attempt was weak.

“Uh-huh.”  Camarin reached out and placed her hand on Justin’s forehead, and he pulled away.  “You don’t have a fever.  Did something you eat not agree with you?”  She wouldn’t be surprised at that.  After all, Justin’s diet did not normally consist of foods fried in copious amounts of Crisco.

“Probably.”  Justin decided not to elaborate on his additional symptoms.  Camarin would only become concerned, and he didn’t want anything to keep him from his schedule today.  “But, don’t tell Mom.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it.”  Camarin promised.

“But, I better finish up with this tea before Mom gets up or she’s gonna know anyway.”  Justin took a long swig.

“She’s going to know what?”  Kathleen asked as she entered the kitchen.  Then she smelled the peppermint and spied the mug in Justin’s hands.  “Oh…you’re sick?”

“No…I’m not sick, Mom.”  Justin made eye contact with Camarin to ensure she would play along.  “I just missed your peppermint tea.”

“Okay, well in that case…”  Kathleen moved toward the refrigerator.  “I’m going to whip us up some French toast and bacon.”

Justin’s stomach churned at the mere mention of food.  He pushed himself up.  “None for me, thanks.” He limped two steps to where his mother was standing and kissed her cheek.  “I’ve gotta get going.”

“Justin Quinn, you are sick!”  Kathleen crossed her arms.  “I’ve never known you to pass up French toast!”

“To be honest, Mom, I don’t eat much for breakfast anymore.  And, I usually try to get a light workout in before I eat anything.  You see, your body isn’t meant to digest…”  Justin stopped and smiled.  “Never mind.  I’ll eat some French toast when I get back, okay?”

“Where are you going?”  It was only six o’clock.

“Just out for a bit.  The sooner I go, the sooner I can get back for that French toast.”  Justin smiled again.  “Besides, I thought you had some things you wanted to show Cam…”

“Yes!”  Camarin decided she would help her fiancé.  “I can’t wait to see Justin’s baby pictures!  I bet he was so cute…”

“Oh, yes!”  Kathleen abandoned the French toast for the time being.  “And those dimples he has?”

“Yeah?”

“Had ‘em ever since he was a baby!”  Kathleen said proudly.  “Charmed the pants off every female he met…”

“Okay…okay…I’m gonna let you two uh…visit.”  Justin grabbed his jacket from the closet.  “I’ll be back in an hour or two.”

“Okay, be careful.”  Camarin urged.

“At least take a scarf…”  Kathleen hurried to the hall closet, pulled out a dark-blue hand-knit scarf and wrapped it around Justin’s neck.

Justin recognized the scarf from his childhood.  He fingered the soft yarn thoughtfully.  “This is one grandma made, isn’t it?”

“That’s right.”  Kathleen could tell Justin’s mind was being flooded with fond memories and she could feel her heart well up with the love only a mother could feel for her son.  “Why don’t you just keep it?”

“Mom…I couldn’t…”

“Why not?”  Kathleen stood with her hands on her hips, which caused Camarin to almost break into a fit of laughter.  It was the same stance Justin often used when he was coaching a patient or about to offer a lecture or advice.

“For one thing, people in L.A. don’t wear many winter scarves…”

“You don’t have to wear it.”  Kathleen replied, mock exasperated.  Then, her tone softened.  “Look, I know you lost a lot of memories in the fire…”

“No, not the memories, Mom.  Just…things.”

“You know what I meant.”  Kathleen tied the scarf a little tighter and leaned close.  “Keep it.  A family heirloom.  Maybe you can pass it on to your son one day.”  She winked.

Justin’s throat tightened and he looked over his mother’s shoulder at Camarin wondering if she had overheard.  “Or maybe I’ll just keep it and wear it skiing.”  Justin decided.  “Grandma would probably like that.”

Kathleen laughed.  Her mother had been a vivacious, spritely woman who had never been afraid to try new and exciting adventures.  “Yes…yes, I believe she would!”

They shared a laugh, and then Kathleen and Camarin saw Justin to the door.

“Be careful.”  Kathleen warned.

“I love you.”  Camarin assured, as she leaned in for a kiss.  “See you when you get back.”

Justin made his way to the rental car and slid into the driver’s seat.  It was not an ideal situation by any means for him to be driving, with his right leg not fully healed.  But, he had managed to convince Camarin he would be okay, since he wasn’t going very far.  Luckily, his mother apparently hadn’t thought about it.  He turned on the heat to full blast.  His father had been right that it was cold outside.  Justin’s breath was frosty and the cold air blowing out of the vents seemed to seep right into his already aching joints.  His leg spasmed furiously, and he found himself wondering if this was such a good idea.  But, then, slowly the engine warmed up, causing the cool air to turn hot right along with it.  And he began to feel a little better.  Snow began to fall as he pulled out onto the street.

Justin had been about to make the turn that would take him to the cemetery when suddenly he had another idea.  Instead, he turned in the opposite direction as he continued to make his way through the familiar tree-lined streets.  The snow was falling just heavily enough that he needed to use his wipers intermittently, and they scraped across the windshield with a teeth-grinding sound that seemed far too disruptive in the sleepy, pre-dawn haze.  He looked out at the modest homes of people he once knew and found himself wondering if they still lived in them.  Dim lights glowing through frost-covered window panes marked the transition from a nighttime wonderland of lighted Christmas displays to just another work day for the people of New Colton.

Justin made one more turn and immediately felt his insides roll into a knot.  There was Abby’s house.  Almost exactly as he had remembered it.  He pulled the car along the curb and sat for a bit…just looking.  The porch swing they had spent many a summer evening on was gone.  But, the fence around the yard was the same.  His gaze meandered over every familiar detail before finally settling on a branch that barely hung from a dying chestnut tree in the front yard.  It danced and swayed slightly in the wind while casting eerie shadows on the window where Abby’s bedroom used to be.  Justin shivered.

Completely wrapped up in memories for the next several minutes, he didn’t notice the rapping sound at first.  Then suddenly, it snapped him to full attention.

“Hey!  Can I help you?”

Justin’s throat went bone dry and he thought his heart would beat out of his chest.  There, rapping at his window was Mr. Delaney.  Abby’s father.  His mind raced for something to say.  He cracked the window, and tried not to make eye contact.  “I uh…I’m here to pick up John for work.”

“There’s no John living here.”  Mr. Delaney said, trying to get a look at the driver.

“Isn’t this 402 Mulberry?”  Justin asked, trying to sound innocent.

“No, this is 402 Dogwood.”  Mr. Delaney pointed out.  “Mulberry’s one block east.”

“Oh, okay…”  Justin put the car in drive.  “Thanks.”  He pulled back out onto the street, casting another look at Mr. Delaney in his rearview mirror. Hopefully his ruse had worked.  At least Mr. Delaney hadn’t seemed to recognize him.  Breathing a sigh of relief, but shuddering at the near unwanted encounter, Justin made his way through thickening snow to the cemetery, where he parked near where he remembered Abby’s memorial to be, and exited the car.  The snow was beginning to lay now, and he knew he would need to be especially careful walking.

Justin paused for a moment to look around.  The cemetery was deserted at this hour and it was so peaceful, he could actually hear the soft swishing of the snow against the granite headstones.  The sound was somewhat eerie and surreal, and Justin imagined it could be the soft sighing of ghostly inhabitants as they made their way between this world and their own.  It took only a few seconds to locate the memorial he was searching for.  He knelt down and brushed the newly fallen snow off of the engraved letters that marked the final resting place of both Abigail Grace Delaney, and her brother Thomas.  1951.  Had it really been that long since he last stood in this spot?

Although he had been planning for this moment for some time now, Justin found himself at a complete loss as to what to say or do.   He stared at the headstone and suddenly felt foolish.  God, this is like a scene out of some cheesy soap opera…

But then, just as suddenly and inexplicably, memories started flooding back…so vividly and completely that they nearly knocked Justin off balance.  He could see Abby’s smile as fresh and clear as if she were standing here in front of him.  Then, that image seemed to fade into one of her in her bikini, as the two of them floated down the creek on giant inner-tubes they borrowed from the general store up near the PA Grand Canyon.  One by one pictures flipped through Justin’s mind, each snapshot representing some moment in his relationship with Abby, from the moment he first got up the nerve to ask her out…to the moment he gave her the ring that he had worked three part time jobs for…and she said ‘yes.’

In the moments that followed, Justin was transfixed by these happy scenes until eventually his memory led him to the night he found out Abby had been killed.  He opened his eyes with a forced exhale as if he had been hit in the chest.  Shaking it off, he looked back down at the marker and gently ran his hands over the cold stone.  “Seems hard to believe it’s been 26 years since I’ve been here, Abs…”  Justin looked around, making sure he was alone.  He watched a squirrel skitter around on the ground about ten yards away as if it was trying to remember where it had buried its breakfast.  But, aside from his rodent companion, it seemed Justin was the only one around.

“I uh…I wanted to tell you…I never became a doctor.  I spent my first semester at USC in pre-med, but then I got to be good friends with the athletic trainer and he really turned me onto physical therapy.  So I switched.  Ended up really liking it a lot.  By my junior year, I was one of the trainers for the football team.”  Justin stopped and chuckled softly.  “Kind of ironic, huh?  Me standing on the sidelines instead of on the field?  But anyway…that’s when I met Todd.”  Again, Justin stopped.  The cold air was making his nose run, and he sniffled as he looked skyward for a moment.  “God, Abs.  I wish you could meet him.  You would really like him.  He was the orthopod for the team back then, and we really hit it off.  He ended up getting me a job at a really good hospital out in L.A.  We’ve been working together ever since…”

Justin’s voice trailed off.  He was torn between feeling silly for talking to a stone and feeling as if he could ramble on for hours on the off chance that Abby could actually hear him.  After all, there was so much she had missed.  But, as Justin continued to stare down at the small image of praying hands etched just beneath Abby’s name, he felt compelled to keep going. 

“So much has happened…Hannah moved out to L.A. and married a friend of mine.  They just had twins!”  A lump tightened in Justin’s throat and he suddenly was overcome with guilt at the memory of how much Abby had wanted to have children.  She died never having gotten that chance.  “And me…well…that’s what I want to talk to you about…”  Justin’s hand moved to the necklace around his throat and he moved the pendant between his fingers.  “I kept my promise, Abs.  I’ve been wearing this ever since the day you gave it to me.  Well…except for about a month.  But, I was in the hospital and…you don’t need to hear that story.  I’ve kept wearing it because I figured it would keep you close to my heart…just like you said.  But, now…”  Justin took a deep breath and shivered as the winter wind seemed to eat right through his lightweight coat. 

 Justin decided even though Abby was dead, he still couldn’t bring himself to tell her about Camarin.  He paused and searched his heart for a way to bring this visit to a close in a way that was respectful and fitting, and would still offer him the closure he needed.  “You’ve been visiting me a lot in my dreams lately.  I’ve been getting the feeling that there’s something you want me to know.  I think maybe…you’ve been trying to tell me it’s okay to move on.  You know I’m always gonna keep you in here, Abs.”  Justin patted his chest, and kept his hand over his heart.  He could feel his throat tighten and his eyes become moist.  This was a lot harder than he had expected it would be.  “And, I don’t know…I feel like I’m betraying you somehow…but…I want you to know.  I’m happy, Abs.”  As he said the words, an ironic tear fell from the corner of one eye.  “It took me a long time, but I’m really happy.  There are some good things happening in my life right now, and…I need to move past the part of my life I spent with you, even though you were one of the best parts of my life…”

Justin stopped, temporarily unable to continue.  Tears were falling freely now as twenty-six years of suppressed emotions seemed to unleash in a breath-stealing catharsis.  His breath hitched and his body shook as droplets fell from his eyes onto the new-fallen snow, melting it away instantly with their warmth. 

When he was finally able to speak again, Justin continued, his voice hoarse and strained.  “For a long time I thought I was meant to be alone…but, now…I know I was wrong about that.  I have good people in my life, Abby.  People I love…who love me back.  And I hope…that wherever you are…you’re not alone.  That you’re happy too.” 

Justin’s hands moved to the back of his neck and he unhooked the clasp of the necklace he had worn faithfully for so many years.  He took it off and grasped it tightly in his palm for a moment as he closed his eyes in a silent prayer.  Opening his eyes again, he cleared the snow away from the hook on the marker that was meant to hold flowers or a wreath on special days.  “I want you to have this back now.  Your memory will always be in here, Abs.”  He rested a hand over his chest again.  “I don’t need this anymore…”  Justin kissed the knotted, silver pendant and then hung the necklace carefully over the hook on Abby’s marker as if it held some magical power.  He allowed his fingers to linger there for just a moment before pushing himself up to a standing position.  “I love you, Abs.”  His voice faltered.  “But, it’s time for me to let go.” 

Justin turned toward the car but he stopped in his tracks when he heard something that sounded like the distant wail of an infant.  A chill ran down his spine and he turned in the direction the sound came from.  Instantly and uninvited the eerie images from his dream revisited him even as he was struck with a déjà-vu that threatened to bring him to his knees.  He remembered the woman from the dream…the one in the white dress that billowed in the wind.  She held a baby…a baby that wailed as the woman’s face crumbled away…

Justin’s head snapped up and he found himself staring at what appeared to be the very tree from his dream.  But…that was impossible, wasn’t it?  But, there was no wraith-like figure standing next to it.  And no baby wailed this morning in the lonely cemetery.  However, the wind was causing some branches on the leafless tree to rub against one another, creating a weeping, mournful sound.  Surely, that had been the ‘cry’ he’d heard.

Justin shivered again as he turned to take his last look at Abby’s grave, the almost supernatural atmosphere causing him to expect the necklace he had just left there to be gone.  But, there it hung, just as he had left it, the wind causing the metal pendant to rap softly against the granite marker.  “Bye, Abs…”  Justin breathed, then he limped his way back to the car, pulling his coat tighter around his frame and tossing his scarf around his neck.  The snow was falling harder now and it stung at his cheeks.

Finally reaching the car, Justin brushed the snow from the windows with his bare hands, and by the time he was seated behind the wheel, they burned from the cold.  This kind of weather was one thing he decided he did not miss.  As the heat warmed the car’s interior, Justin held his hands in front of the vents until he thought he could grip the steering wheel again.  Then, he left the cemetery…and Abby…behind him.

By the time Justin turned onto the street where his parents lived, he found himself already feeling like a weight he had carried around for most of his life had been lifted away, allowing him to feel freer and more alive than he ever had felt.  He couldn’t wait to see Camarin now, to get back to L.A. and start his life anew with her and the girls.  The wedding was three months away.  They had a lot of planning to do.

***

Breakfast and lunch had been over hours ago, and the day had been a good one.  So good, in fact, that Justin almost found himself not wanting to leave.  Almost.  His mother had really come around, not that he had expected anything less, and the three of them had a wonderful time catching up, and reminiscing the morning away. 

Liam had returned home just in time for lunch, and even he seemed glad now to have Justin home.  He also seemed genuinely interested in Camarin’s stories about her life on the reservation.  Sure, there had been questions about why Justin wore his hair so long…and how Hannah was managing being married to someone with such a dangerous profession.  But, all in all, it seemed like Liam was making more of an effort, however forced it might be.

After lunch, Camarin helped Justin with his shower, a task that did not sit well with Kathleen at first since the two were not yet married.  But after Liam took her aside and waved it off, claiming, ‘that’s what they do out there in California,’ Camarin and Justin retreated to the bathroom where they turned on the water full blast to drown out their laughter.

It was just after three in the afternoon now, and Camarin and Kathleen were seated at the kitchen table while Camarin explained the significance of the flowers she hoped to include in her bridal bouquet.  Justin and Liam were both taking naps.

Camarin stood up and carried her tea cup over to the sink.  “I’m going to go back and check on Justin.  Then, I’ll help you get started on dinner.”  She was also hoping for a few minutes alone with her fiancé.  He hadn’t told her how his morning went, but based on his mood since he’d returned, she had her affirmation that coming to Pennsylvania had been the right thing to do.  She opened the door to the guest room and frowned.  Justin was on the bed, but he wasn’t sleeping.  In fact, he was sitting up.  And coughing.  She immediately moved to his side.  “Justin?  Are you all right?  Do you need your inhaler?”

“No…”  He coughed again and tried to ignore the increasing ache in his head.  “It’s not that kind of cough.”

“You’re sick, aren’t you?”  Camarin’s hand moved to Justin’s forehead.

“It’s just a cold.”

Camarin gave her fiancé a good looking over.  “Maybe.  But, you have a fever.”

“I do?”  Justin felt his own forehead, but he was so cold, the feverish heat was lost on him.  “No wonder I feel so lousy.”

“I bet your mom has a thermometer…”  Camarin stood up and began walking toward the door.

“Wait!”  The exclamation sent Justin into another round of coughing.  “Don’t.  She’ll just worry.”

“She’s your mother, Justin.  It’s her job.”  Camarin stood with her arms crossed.  “But, okay.”  She walked back over to the bed and sat down.  “You’re not going to be able to keep it from her, you know.”

“Yeah…I know.  Maybe we should just head back to the motel.”  They were leaving in the morning anyway, and as much as Justin hated to cut his visit with his parents short, the only thing he really wanted right now was to be with Camarin.  He felt too sick to do anymore socializing.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah…”  Justin coughed again.  A harsh, wheezy-sounding cough that left his chest aching and reminded him he had some recently-healed ribs.  “Mom’ll be disappointed about dinner, but I don’t have an appetite anyway.”

“Right.”  The pair made their way out to the kitchen to break the news.

***

“Okay…mission accomplished.”  Camarin announced as she entered the small motel room and found Justin in bed where she had left him before heading to the drugstore down the street to buy a thermometer and some Tylenol.  She placed her bag and purse on the table and sat down next to him.  “Feeling any better?” 

The question had a double meaning she hoped Justin would pick up.  Obviously, Camarin wondered if he felt any better physically.  But, she also knew the goodbye at his parents’ had been harder on him than he cared to admit. 

Kathleen had cried, of course.  And Liam had almost offered his son a hug, settling for a handshake instead.  The visit had ended with Justin and Camarin promising to come back for a visit soon, with all parties knowing that was unlikely.  Justin had been quiet the whole way back to the motel.

“I really feel lousy.”  Justin admitted, as he shivered and pulled the thin blanket up to his chin.

Camarin was becoming more and more concerned.  For Justin to admit he felt this bad, he had to feel pretty awful.  “Want me to call the desk and see if they’ll bring another blanket?”

“No…”  Justin coughed and cringed at the increasing ache behind his breastbone.  As much as he longed for warmth, he knew even a hundred blankets would not ward off the chills caused by whatever virus was ravaging his immune system.  And, the extra layers would not do his fever any good.

“Okay, well let’s see what your temperature is.”  Camarin pulled the thermometer out of the bag and removed the packaging.  Then, she used a cotton swab moistened with rubbing alcohol to sterilize it before shaking it down and sliding it under Justin’s tongue.  While she waited for the mercury to register, she gently brushed the hair away from her fiancé’s forehead.  When time was up, she removed the instrument and held it up to the light, frowning.

“What is it?”  Justin croaked.

“103,” Camarin reported dismally.  It was even higher than she had thought it would be.

“Dammit…”

“I think I should call Todd.”  She began moving toward the phone.

“What?”  Justin pushed himself up.  A bad idea he soon realized as a wave of dizziness and nausea passed over him.  “Why?”

“For advice.”  Camarin said matter-of-factly.

“We’re going home in the morning.”  Justin reminded her.  “Just give me some Tylenol, and…”

“And, I don’t know if we should wait until morning.”  Camarin started reading the instructions on the phone for making a long distance call.  “I want to ask Todd what he thinks we should do.”

“I should take some Tylenol and get some sleep.”  Justin insisted just before erupting into a coughing fit that left him retching and panting for breath.

“Shhh…it’s okay…”  Camarin rubbed Justin’s back and soothed him through the uncomfortable ordeal until finally he leaned against her with an exhausted moan.  She could feel the feverish heat emanating from his body.  “Come on, lie down.”  She coaxed gently.

“I can’t…lie down.”  Justin felt short of breath now.  So, he sat up, feeling miserable, while Camarin positioned all four pillows from the bed behind him and helped him lean back against them.

“I’ll get you some Tylenol.”  She promised, standing up.  “And then I’m calling Todd.”

***

“How high is his fever?” 

Camarin could hear the concern in Todd’s voice even with the distant connection.  “103. I just gave him some Tylenol.”

“Okay.  Do you have any rubbing alcohol?”

“Yeah.”  Camarin looked over at the large bottle she had just purchased.

“Good.  If the Tylenol doesn’t bring his fever down, you could try sponging him down with some of that.”

“He’s got really bad chills.”  Camarin watched as Justin’s body shook again and he clawed at the covers, pulling them tighter around him.  She hated even the thought of sponging him with alcohol right now, even if it was what he needed.

“They’ll go away once his fever goes down.”  Todd reassured.  “What other symptoms does he have besides the cough?”

“Hang on.”  Camarin knew some of Justin’s complaints already, but she wanted to paint the full clinical picture for Todd, figuring the more details he had, the better he would be able to advise them from thousands of miles away.  She covered the receiver with her hand.  “Todd wants to know what else is going on.”

Justin groaned softly.  The last thing he felt like doing right now was playing twenty questions with Todd.  But he knew from past experience, cooperation would bring him a more desirable outcome.  At least he hoped so.  “Headache…Hell, I ache all over.  Tell Todd it’s the flu and to leave me alone.”

“He has a headache and his body aches all over.”  Camarin reported.  “He said to tell you he thinks it’s the flu.”

“Well, it could be the flu.”  Todd admitted.  “Does he have a sore throat?”

Camarin cupped the phone to her chest.  “He wants to know if you have a sore throat.”

“No…no sore throat.”  Justin decided to be proactive and supply the answer to any remaining questions Todd might ask so he could burrow down under his covers and try to sleep.  “No nasal congestion, no stomach pain…no enlarged spleen…no swollen glands…no neck stiffness.  It’s the flu, Todd!”  Raising his voice left Justin feeling out of breath and he began coughing again.

“That doesn’t sound good.”  Todd told Camarin.  He tried to decipher what type of cough it was, but the connection wasn’t sharp enough.

“No, it doesn’t.”  Camarin agreed, breathing a sigh of relief as the cough settled down again.

“Is it productive?”  Todd wanted to know.  “What do his lungs sound like?”

“His lungs?”  Camarin was slightly confused.  She knew what Todd meant, but she wasn’t sure what words to use to describe it.

“Does he have a lot of phlegm?  Is his breathing noisy?”  Todd tried to break it down.  “Or, is it a dry cough…like wheezing?”

“Well, it’s kind of both.”  Camarin explained, hoping it would make sense.  “He sounds wheezy sometimes…and out of breath.  But, yeah…it sounds like he’s got some gunk in his lungs.”

Todd was quiet for a minute.  This didn’t sound good at all.  “Has he coughed up any blood?  It might look rusty or brown.”

“No…I don’t think so.”

Todd sighed a heavy sigh, wishing Justin was in L.A. where he could check on him.  “Well, he’s probably got bronchitis at least.  He should have a chest X-ray to rule out pneumonia.”

“Pneumonia…”

Justin grabbed the phone so he could talk to Todd himself.  He didn’t appreciate his worrying Camarin like this.  “I do not have pneumonia, Todd…”

Todd silently counted to ten.  Well, more like five.  “Justin…I hate to sound like a broken record, but…you haven’t allowed yourself enough time to recover from your previous injuries, and your resistance is down.  You’ve been doing way too much, and now you’re in a cold climate, around new germs, right smack dab in the middle of cold and flu season.”

“Right.  The flu.”

“You and I both know this is more than the flu.”  Todd retorted.  “Look, with the lung injuries you had…you’re going to be a lot more susceptible to upper respiratory infections.  And you’re going to really need to be diligent or they can quickly turn into something a lot worse.  I know Dr. Burke talked to you about this…”

“I know…”  Justin sighed and began coughing again, but this time he recovered quickly.  “Sorry.”

“You feel like crap, don’t you?”

“Yeah…”  Justin handed the phone back to Camarin without another word and sank back into his pillows.

“It’s me again.”  Camarin wanted the doctor to know she was back.

“Listen, he should really have a chest X-ray.”  Todd restated.  “But good luck dragging him out of bed to take him to the hospital.  You’re coming home in the morning?”

“Right.”  Suddenly the morning seemed way too far off.

“What time does your flight get into LAX?”

“Two-twenty in the afternoon, I think.”

“Okay.  Get him to drink plenty of clear fluids.  That’ll help loosen up some of the mucous in his lungs. Keep an eye on his fever.  If it goes above 103…or if he has trouble breathing or starts coughing up blood…call an ambulance.  Take him in kicking and screaming if you have to.”  Todd almost smiled at that mental picture.

“Okay.”  Camarin nodded.  “It’s been almost a half-hour since I gave him the Tylenol.  I’ll take his temperature again now and see what it is.  Do you want to hold on?”

“No…this is already an expensive consult for you two.”  Todd joked.  You know what you need to do.  Call me if you need me.  Who’s picking you up from the airport?”

“Roy Desoto.” 

“Good.  I’ll call him and tell him to bring you over to Rampart before you go home.  Don’t say anything to Justin.  I’ll tell Kelly Brackett to be expecting you.”

“Okay.  Thanks, Todd.”  Camarin hung up, and followed Todd’s advice not to tell Justin he had an appointment with Dr. Brackett immediately upon their return to L.A.

“If he told you to take me to the hospital, I’m not going.”  Justin slurred.  He passed exhausted a while back and now he felt like he might just crawl under the bed. 

“We’re not going to the hospital.”  Camarin promised.  “At least not right now.”  She began shaking down the thermometer.

“Right now?”

Camarin slipped the thermometer into Justin’s mouth.  “No talking.”  Then she noticed something.  “You’re not shivering as much.”

“Yeah, I…”

“Shhh.”

Justin rolled his eyes and allowed the thermometer to work.  When Camarin finally pulled it out, he finished his thought.  “I think I feel a little better.  Wanna sleep now…”

“It’s down to 101.5” Camarin was relieved.  “Looks like you won’t be needing that sponge bath after all.”

“Sponge bath?”  Justin’s eyebrow peaked.  “Now, that sounds interesting…”

Camarin’s eyes narrowed.  “I thought you didn’t want to take any of Todd’s advice.”

“Well, every once in a while the man has a good idea.”  Justin smiled weakly.

Camarin slapped Justin’s arm playfully.  “Go to sleep!”

“Mmmm…don’t know if I can.”  Justin teased.  “I’m awfully hot.  I think I should get out of these clothes and we should talk more about that…sponge bath.”

“I’m glad you’re feeling a little better, but no.”  Camarin smiled.  “I’m going to go get you something to drink.  Do you want juice or water?”

“Juice.”  Justin pouted.  “You take all the fun out of being sick, you know that?”

Camarin laughed.  “Oh, I do, do I?  Well…”  She smiled teasingly.  “I said I’m not giving you a sponge bath.  But you know…we Natives have our own ways of curing disease…”

“You do?”  Since Justin had met Camarin, he had learned a lot about Native American medicine.  But, he had a feeling that herbs, smudge sticks, tobacco, and incantations were not what she was talking about.

“Mm-hm.”  She pulled down his blanket and placed her hands on his shoulders.  “Body work for one thing.  Increasing energy to certain areas…”

“You mean like…massage.”  Justin was hopeful and he hoisted an eyebrow.

“Yes, but…the Lakota way.”  Camarin smiled as she began kneading Justin’s neck muscles.

“Mmmm…”  Justin moaned contentedly.  “I like the Lakota way.”

“I thought you might.”  Camarin stopped, knowing she had left Justin wanting more.  “I’ll get you that juice.”

“Forget the juice.”

“Fluids, Justin.”

“Fluids…shmuids.  Let’s talk more about this…Lakota massage thing.”

“Fluids first.”

“Fine.”

***

Cough cough.  “Where are we going?”  Cough.  Justin noticed Roy’s car was headed in the wrong direction.

“We have to make a little pit stop before we go home.”  Roy explained as he looked into the rearview mirror and made eye contact with Camarin.  They both knew the question was inevitable as soon as Justin figured out they weren’t heading toward Long Beach.

Figuring for the moment Roy meant he had to stop off at the store or something, Justin leaned his head against the cool window and closed his eyes.  When he opened them again, they were pulling into the emergency entrance at Rampart.  “Wha…what are we doing?  Oh, no…”  He began shaking his head adamantly. 

“Oh, yes.”  Camarin leaned forward and placed her hands on Justin’s shoulders preventing any escape.  “You have an appointment.”

“I don’t believe…”  He looked over at Roy who was pocketing the keys.  “You kidnapped me?”

“Well, don’t beat yourself up too much over it…”  Roy smiled.  “Johnny has given me lots of practice in undercover medical capers.”  He exited the car and moved around to the passenger side to assist Camarin in getting their unwilling patient inside.  “Do you want a wheelchair?”

Justin sighed and scowled at both of them.  “No…just hand me my crutches.”

Camarin obliged and then she and Roy spotted Justin as he stood, somewhat shakily.  Then they flanked him on either side as the trio walked into the emergency room.  The first familiar face they spied was Dixie, who sat at the base station, writing on a chart.  She looked up at the sound of Roy’s voice.

“Hey, Dix.”

The nurse said hello, then moved off of her stool.  “Follow me.  Todd and Kel are waiting in three.”

“Oh for God’s sake…both of them?”  Justin couldn’t believe this.

Dixie raised an eyebrow, but said nothing as she led the procession to the treatment room.  Once there, she turned to Roy with some directions.  “Why don’t you take Camarin down to the lounge for some coffee?  I’ll come down and get you when we’re through.”

Justin looked at the two doctors who stood with arms crossed near the exam table.  “Geez, you sure know how to make a guy feel special.”

“How are you feeling, Justin?”  Kelly Brackett asked without unfolding his arms.

“I’ve been better.”  Justin figured he may as well admit it.  Now that he had been duped into coming here, there was no way he was going to talk his way out of an exam, a host of labs, and a series of X-rays.

“Well, go ahead and get undressed.”  Kel directed.  “Do you need help getting up on the table?”  He gestured toward Justin’s right leg.

“Nah…I can make it.”  Justin shifted all his weight to his left leg and handed his crutches to Dixie, who sat them off to the side.  Then, he undid the buttons on his shirt and removed it, handing it to her as well, before hoisting himself onto the edge of the table.

Todd stepped forward and gestured toward Justin’s boots and jeans.  “Those too.”

Justin glared at his boss.  “What?”

“You heard me.  I want to take a look at your leg while you’re here.”

“My leg is fine, Todd.”

“Yeah, well…I’d like to see for myself.”  Todd knelt down and began untying Justin’s boots for him, while Dixie helped with his pants.  Moments later, the surly physical therapist had been reduced to his boxer shorts.

“I’ll get you a gown.”  Dixie started toward the cabinet.

“No…” Justin held up a hand as he swung his legs onto the table and leaned back against the pillow.  “Just get me a blanket and let’s get this over with.”  He was afraid that at this rate, if he agreed to the gown, his shorts would be the next thing to go.

Kel exchanged a glance with Todd and couldn’t help a tight smile at their mutual friend’s expense.  “Okay, Justin.  Tell me what’s been going on.”

Justin sighed and leaned his head back.  “Nothing different than what Cam told Todd last night.  Just a cough and a fever.”

“And a headache…and muscle pain…”  Todd added, counting on his fingers.

“Okay, yeah…that too.” 

Dixie deftly slid a thermometer into Justin’s mouth and began gathering vitals, while Kel used his penlight to check Justin’s eyes and ears.  Then, he felt around his neck.  “Any sore throat?”

Justin shook his head ‘no.’

“Pulse is 90.  Respirations are 18.  BP is 112 over 68.”  Dixie reported.  “And…”  She removed the thermometer from her patient’s mouth.  “Temp is just over 102.”

“You’ve been taking Tylenol?”  Todd asked.

“Yep.”

“When did you take it last?”

Justin thought back.  It had been right after they got off the plane.  “About two-thirty.”

Kel turned his wrist over and looked at his watch.  “That was just over an hour ago.”  He was concerned that Justin’s fever was this high even after taking the Tylenol.  He walked over to the table and returned with a tongue depressor and checked his patient’s throat.  “Well, there’s no sign of strep.”

“I told you…my throat’s not sore.”  Justin breathed out and then felt the now all too familiar tickle behind his breastbone.  A second later, he exploded into a seemingly unending fit of coughing.  Pain coursed through his chest with every hack as the powerful coughs forced tears from his eyes while the irritation at his gag reflex nearly caused him to vomit.  The edges of his vision began to white out and then slowly he became aware of a soft hand rubbing his back and something being held over his face.  He reached up and tried to push it away, but strong hands held it in place.

“It’s just some oxygen, Justin.”  Todd’s voice broke through the cough-induced haze at last.  “Just leave it there for a minute.  Take some deep breaths.”

Justin felt something cold on his back and jerked slightly.  Then, he realized it was Brackett’s stethoscope.  He concentrated on breathing as he leaned against someone’s shoulder.  Todd’s, he supposed.  He was too exhausted to open his eyes.  A few seconds later, hands were leaning him back, the mask was removed, and the stethoscope moved to his chest.

Finally, Kel removed the earpieces from his ears.  “You’ve got a lot of congestion in there.  How do you feel now?”

Justin’s hand moved to his chest.  “Kinda…short…”  He began to wheeze slightly.

“Do you still have your inhaler?”  Todd asked as he nodded toward the oxygen mask which Dixie quickly replaced.

Justin pointed toward his clothes.  “In my…jeans pocket.”

Todd retrieved the small canister and handed it to Justin, who quickly took a few puffs.  Unfortunately, however, the action of the albuterol did its job in opening Justin’s constricted airways which only caused the mucous that had been lodged there to start rolling around.  He began another violent round of coughing.

Once it subsided, Kel looked over at his concerned nurse.  “Dix, let’s get a CBC and cultures of his blood, sputum, and urine.  And a chest X-ray.”  He patted Justin on the shoulder.  “I really think it’s a bad case of bronchitis, but we need to be sure, okay?”

Justin nodded as he removed the oxygen mask and placed it in his lap.  He watched Brackett leave the room as Dixie prepared to draw some blood.  Then, he looked over at Todd, who still stood beside him.  “So, I know there’s an ‘I told you so’ in there somewhere.  Why don’t you just get it over with?”

Todd winced sympathetically as he witnessed the blood draw needle enter his friend’s vein.  “Because, Justin…I understand why you did what you did.  I told you that before.  I just hope it was worth it.”

Justin coughed weakly.  “It was.”

“Well, then good.”  Todd smiled as Dixie handed Justin a plastic urinal.  “We’ll leave you alone for a minute.”  He followed the nurse outside.  When they returned, Justin’s eyes were closed, his breathing wheezy and guarded.

Dixie left for the lab as Todd began folding down the blanket.  “Let’s take a look at this leg.”  He ran his fingers along what remained of the long surgical incision and noticed the swelling was gone and Justin’s leg appeared almost back to normal.  “This is looking really good.  How does it feel?”

“Feels good.”

“How’s the weight bearing coming along?”  Todd felt for pulses at Justin’s knee and ankle.

“I can pretty much walk without the crutches now.  Working on…”  Cough.  “…getting my strength back.”

Todd checked Justin’s toes for capillary refill and began bending and moving his leg this way and that, finding it slightly stiff, but no more so than he expected at this point.  “Everything looks good here…” 

Any further discussion was cut off by the arrival of two radiology technicians pushing a portable X-ray machine through the door.  Todd replaced the blanket and gave Justin’s leg a pat.  “I’ll be right back.”

***

“Hey, Roy!”  Johnny trotted down the emergency department hallway at the sight of his friend.  When he finally caught up with him, he stopped, slightly out of breath.  “What are you doing here?”

“Justin’s sick.”  Roy explained.  “Brackett and Andrews wanted me to bring him here from the airport.”  He looked at Johnny.  “What are you doing here?”

“Hannah and the babies are upstairs for their first check up.  I wanted to talk to Brackett about trying to go back to work.”  Over the past several weeks, Johnny had already found some relief through the use of Dr. Yun’s alternative therapies, and he had been encouraged by the man’s assertion that the benefits would only continue to increase as they continued working together.  “Did you say Justin was sick?”

“Yeah.  Brackett thinks it’s an upper respiratory infection.  Bronchitis.”

“Damn.”  Johnny knew if this was the case, Justin wouldn’t be able to be around the babies for a while.  And Hannah had been planning a big Christmas celebration at the ranch in less than a week.

“Yeah, he sounds pretty miserable.”  Roy nodded toward the treatment room where Justin was.  “They’re getting some chest X-rays now to rule out pneumonia.”

Johnny looked over his shoulder at the closed door.  He sincerely hoped his brother-in-law wouldn’t have that to deal with.  “Where’s Cam?”

“In there.”  Roy canted his head toward the closed door to the doctors’ lounge.

Johnny was just about to push the door open when he saw the technicians leaving Justin’s room.  “Tell her I’ll be back in a few minutes.”  He hurried down the hall to the treatment room and sidled in the door.  Justin lay on the exam table with his eyes closed, an oxygen mask in his lap, and a folded piece of gauze taped over his recent blood draw site.  Johnny approached the bed deliberately, so as not to startle him, but he knew he wasn’t sleeping.  “Hey.”

Justin’s eyes opened immediately, yet sluggishly, at the sound of his brother-in-law’s voice.  “Hey.  Where’d you come from?”

“The sixth floor.”  Johnny smiled.  “Hannah’s up there with Malcolm and McKenna.  They have their first check-ups today.”

“How’re they…doing?”  Justin was still feeling slightly out of breath.

Johnny eyed the oxygen mask and considered handing it to Justin, but then thought better of it, figuring he knew to use it if he needed it.  “Great!  Everyone’s doing great! Well, everyone except you, I guess.  Roy filled me in.  How are you feeling?”

“Awful.”  There was no point in shading the truth.  Justin knew Johnny knew better, having had his share of respiratory issues in the past.

“Yeah, well…the docs’ll get you fixed up in no time.”  Johnny promised.  “How was Pennsylvania?”

 “Good.  It was good.  Always good to get home though.”

“Yeah.”  Johnny wondered if he and Hannah would ever get more of an elaboration on how the trip went than what Justin had just offered. 

Justin decided to change the subject before Johnny could ask any more questions.  “So, I tried that trick with Cam last night…the one you use with all the nurses…”

“Trick?”

“Yeah…you’ll have to explain to me how you do it.”

“Do what?”  Johnny was clueless.

“That…that…pouty thing you do.”  Justin explained.  “You know…that sort of…pathetic, pouty look you give them that makes them give in and do anything you want?”

“Oh!  That!”  Johnny nodded.  “Wait…you tried it on Cam?”

“Yeah.”  Cough cough.

“Oh, well there’s your problem then.  It only works on nurses, not on wives.”

“But, Cam and I aren’t married yet.”  Justin protested.

“Wives…fiancées…same thing.”  Johnny shrugged.  “Believe me, it’ll never work.  They’ll see right through it.”  Johnny leaned in as if he was sharing some deep, dark trade secret.  “But nurses…”  He looked up at the opening door.

“What about nurses?”  Dixie asked suspiciously after clearing her throat.

“Of course, it doesn’t apply to all nurses.”  Johnny quickly advised, causing Dixie to cast him a narrow glare.

“How are you feeling, Tiger?”  She asked Justin as she gently adjusted his blanket.

“Hey!  That’s my nickname!”  Johnny protested playfully.

Dixie rolled her eyes and brushed Justin’s hair away from his eyes.

“Don’t feel so great, Dix.”  Justin admitted, no longer feeling like being stoic.

Dixie allowed her hand to linger on Justin’s forehead, disheartened that his fever still seemed pretty high.  “Kel should be back soon.  I’ll see if we can get you some more Tylenol…” 

As if summoned, the door opened, and Kel and Todd walked back into the room.  After exchanging ‘hellos’ with Johnny, they turned their attention to their patient.

Kel was the first to speak.  “Well, there’s no sign of pneumonia.  But, you do have a pretty severe case of bronchitis.  We’re going to be aggressive in treating it, since your lungs are more susceptible now to infection.  I’ll get you started on some antibiotics and some codeine for the cough.  You’ll need to drink plenty of fluids and I’ve already talked to Camarin and told her to make sure you rest.”

“And we mean that, Justin.”  Todd chimed in.  “I know this trip was important to you, but you’re back now and…”

Justin raised his hand weakly.  “Don’t worry, Todd.”

Brackett smiled.  “Okay.  Go ahead and get dressed.  You can go home as soon as the pharmacy gets your prescriptions ready.”  He and Todd left the room while Dixie retrieved Justin’s clothes.

“I’ll help him get dressed.”  Johnny offered, taking the clothing.

“Thanks, man.”  Justin waited until Dixie was gone, then forced his heavy limbs into motion to fold back his covers.  Then, he allowed Johnny to help him sit up and turn so his legs were dangling off the edge of the table.

“Anytime.”  Johnny promised as he helped Justin feed his arm through a sleeve.  “Now…let me tell you what does work on wives…”

“Fiancée’s too?”

“Yep.  Fiancées too…”  Johnny continued.  “You see, now the first thing ya gotta do is…”

***

It was Christmas Eve.  Everyone had gone to bed except Justin, who sat on the table in his therapy room stretching his legs.  His fever was gone now, but his stubborn cough remained.  So, he had decided it wouldn’t be a good idea to spend the Christmas holiday at the Gage’s.  He had expected Camarin and the girls to be disappointed and had encouraged them to go without him.  But, it turned out they were actually looking forward to spending the day together alone as a family.

The tree had come yesterday, courtesy of Tag and Chet, who picked up the one Camarin and the girls had tagged at the lot and delivered it.  They set it up in the therapy room, which right now was the largest room downstairs.  Then, last night the four of them had decorated it with ornaments Camarin purchased as well as some that Kaya and Rose made themselves.  Justin had been in charge of stringing the lights, and he now knew exactly why his father had always grumbled at the job.  He smiled at the memory as he watched the way the colored lights blinked a festive pattern on the walls of the large room.

Justin continued his familiar routine, completely focused, in an effort to ignore and overcome the persistent aching in his healing leg.  So wrapped up in his task was he that he didn’t notice the soft footsteps that had padded into the room.

“Justin?”

Slightly startled, Justin stopped and looked up to find Rose standing beside him, rubbing the sleep from her large, brown eyes.  “Hey, munchkin.  You should be in bed.  Santa will be here soon.”

Rose yawned.  “I can’t sleep.”

Justin patted the space on the table beside him, indicating that Rose should climb up.  “Excited about tomorrow?”

“Yeah…”  Rose climbed up and sat cross-legged on the padded table.  “But, that’s not it.  It’s about…Santa.”

“What about him?”  Justin asked thoughtfully.

“Kaya told me there’s no such thing.”

Justin raised an eyebrow and he scooted closer to the little girl.  “Oh, did she?  Just now?”

“No…a long time ago.  When I was little.”  Rose yawned again.

Justin couldn’t help but smile at Rose’s use of the word ‘little.’  After all, she was only eight years old, and was so tiny she could pass for six.  “Well, now why would she tell you a thing like that?”  His throat tightened at the likely answer the young girl would supply.  After all, they had been dirt poor on the reservation.  Camarin had told him stories of how she would bring home leftovers from the diner where she worked, often doing without herself, so the girls would have something to eat.  He couldn’t imagine there had been much money for Christmas presents.

“Well I never knew there was a Santa ‘til one day me and Kaya were talking to some wasicu girls at the diner one day when Mama was working.  One of them had the prettiest doll baby and we asked where she got it.  She told us Santa brought it.”

“And you asked who Santa was?”

“Yeah.  Those girls looked at me like I was crazy or something.”  Rose said, wide-eyed.

“Well, did they tell you?”  Justin could feel his heart breaking, not for the first time, for these girls.  And he was more determined than ever to spend the rest of his life making up for each and every hardship they’d had to endure in their young lives.

“Yes…they told me.”  Rose paused and looked down at her lap, as if she might start crying.  “And later, I asked Kaya why Santa didn’t come to our house.  She told me there was no such thing, that those girls made it up.”

“And that probably made you feel better about it.”  Justin wondered if Camarin had even known about this conversation between her daughters, and he marveled at the wisdom that Kaya had obviously possessed at such a young age, figuring it was better for Rose not to believe in Santa at all, than believe that he didn’t visit because she was undeserving in some way.

“It did.”  Rose nodded.  “Because those girls said that Santa only came if you were good.  So, I started thinking me and Kaya must have been bad.  But, I couldn’t figure out why.”

Justin was suddenly feeling very guilty about telling the girls Santa would be coming.  He silently berated himself, thinking he should have guessed that there had been no “Santa” on the reservation.  Now, he was at a loss as to what to do to make this right.  His mind scrambled for the right words to say.  “What did your Mama have to say about all this?”  Justin figured whatever he came up with, he certainly didn’t want to make things worse by conflicting with something Camarin may have already said.

“I never talked to Mama about it.”  Rose admitted.  “I just thought Kaya knew what she was talking about.  But…you’ve been saying Santa’s coming.  And you know a lot more about things than Kaya does…”

“Well…”  Justin pulled Rose into his lap before she could further speculate on that.  “I happen to know that Santa is real.”

Rose’s eyes filled up with tears.  “But, if he’s real…then that means…”

“Ah-ah-ah…”  Justin stopped any insinuation Rose could make that she had somehow been undeserving of Santa’s visits before she could verbalize it.  “I think I might know why Santa didn’t come to the reservation.”  Justin’s insides churned.  He had an idea.  And he fiercely hoped it would not backfire.

“You do?”  Rose sniffled and leaned into Justin’s protective warmth.

“Yep.”  Justin wrapped his arms around Rose’s tiny frame and cuddled her closer.  “Your Mama told me you never had a Christmas tree.  Am I right?”

“Yeah…”  Rose wasn’t quite sure where Justin was going with this.

“Well, I can’t believe those girls didn’t tell you…” 

“Tell me what?”

Justin sighed in mock disbelief.  “Everyone knows you have to have a Christmas tree…”  He directed Rose’s gaze to the large tree in the corner.  “Full of twinkling lights…”  He pointed up at the top.  “With a big, bright star on the top.  It’s the only way Santa can find you.”

“Really?” 

Justin was relieved that the explanation seemed to satisfy the little girl, and he silently prayed she wouldn’t ask any more questions.  If this is fatherhood, he thought, I have a lot to learn.  “Yep, really.  I bet your Mama didn’t know that either, or I’m sure she’d have gone out into the woods and cut down a tree herself.”

Rose seemed to think about that for a moment, but said nothing.  She continued to lean back against Justin’s chest, savoring the way it felt to be held by someone so reassuring and strong.  “So then, Santa really is coming tonight?”  She stared at the tree in wonder as if it now had assumed some magical power it hadn’t previously possessed.

“Yep, he really is.”  Justin assured.  “Which means you…better get back to bed.  He won’t come if you’re awake, you know.”

“He won’t?  Why not?”

“That’s just the way it works.  It’s like the song…uh…”  Justin cleared his throat and began to sing softly.  “You better watch out…you better not…uh…”  Again, he realized he had a lot of studying to do for this ‘dad’ thing.  “Well, I can’t remember it right now.  But there’s a line that says ‘he knows when you’re awake.’  So you better get to sleep!”

“But I wanna stay up and see him!”  Rose protested.  Now that she knew for certain Santa was real, she wanted to meet him.

“Sorry, it doesn’t work that way, munchkin.”

Rose hopped down out of Justin’s lap and glared at him, hands on her tiny hips.  “Why not?”

It was all Justin could do not to laugh.  “It just doesn’t.  It’s one of the rules.  We’ll call your Aunt Hannah in the morning, and she can sing the song for you.”

Rose sighed, and backed down, somewhat defeated.  “Okay…”

Justin wished he could scoop Rose up into his arms and carry her upstairs to her bed.  But, that would have to wait until his leg was stronger.  As it was, he was still unable to climb the steps on his own.  So, for now he had to settle for giving her a hug and a kiss on the cheek.  “Off to bed, then.  Good night.”

Rose started for the stairs, but stopped short and turned around.  “Don’t you need to go to bed too?”

Justin smiled.  “I guess I do, don’t I?”

“Well, if we want Santa to come!”

“That’s right!”  Justin stepped down off the table and began limping toward the hallway.  “Good night, Rose.”

Rose giggled.  “Good night.”  Then, she ran upstairs, hopped into bed, and tried her hardest to go to sleep.

***

Hannah deftly avoided a collision as she carried in yet another tray of hors d’oeuvres for her guests to nibble on while they awaited the Christmas dinner she and Joanne had prepared.  Jennifer and Chris were chasing Mika, the Gage’s now full grown husky, through the house after Chet had unwittingly allowed the animal inside.  Hot on the children’s heels was the stocky fireman himself, as well as Tag and finally Johnny, who eventually wrangled the pooch and took him out to the barn where his own dinner waited.

Justin sighed as he took a long sip of his cocoa.  He leaned back in his chair with his leg propped on a pillow which rested atop a large box.  Kaya and Rose were taking turns opening their presents now, the trinkets that had filled their stockings having long ago been discovered when Rose awoke everyone in the house at the crack of dawn.  He looked over at Camarin and found her smiling, and he knew in that moment giving the girls this celebration was the best gift she would receive.

“John?  Can’t you hear the baby crying?”  Hannah shouted from the kitchen.

“I know…I know…I’m coming…”  Johnny shouted above the din in the living room.  Roy’s kids were excitedly playing with their toys now, and Roy was on the floor keeping Malcolm entertained.  Between the laughter, conversation, and holiday music which played in the background, it had taken Johnny a while to pick up the hungry wail in the kitchen.

The girls were finished opening their presents now, and they ran upstairs excitedly to try on all of their new clothes.  Justin smiled as he watched them go and eased his leg off of the box.  “I guess that leaves one present left.”

“For who?”  Camarin asked.  “I thought we were done.”

Justin smiled cleverly as he pushed himself up and limped across the room.  “Santa works in mysterious ways…”

“Oh, he does, does he?”  Camarin raised an eyebrow, wondering what her fiancé was up to, and looking forward to it at the same time.

“Yep.”  Justin pulled a small, brightly wrapped box out of a drawer and presented it to Camarin.  “Merry Christmas.”

Hannah let out a deep contented breath as she looked around her busy living room.  Roy and Jennifer were still playing with Malcolm, who cooed happily on the floor.  Joanne sat in the rocking chair, and was busy giving McKenna her bottle.  Tag, Chris, and Chet were setting up Chris’s new race car track in front of the tree.

Johnny stole up behind his wife and wrapped his arms around her, giving her a quick kiss on the cheek.  “It’s great, isn’t it?”

Hannah knew immediately what Johnny meant.  And she agreed it was great to see everyone together.  Well, almost everyone.  She knew he was feeling a little disappointed that Justin, Camarin, and the girls were missing, as was she.  But, after the year they’d all had, just knowing everyone was happy, healthy, and whole was more than anyone could have asked for.  “Sure is.”

Camarin tore open the small package and found a fabric covered black box inside.  She carefully opened the lid to find two silver necklaces nestled together, their pendants forming two halves of the same heart.  Realizing the significance, she pulled out the one with the daintier chain.  “It’s beautiful…”

Justin fastened the clasp for her and then reached for the other necklace, securing it around his own neck.  “Now there will never be any question who holds the other half of my heart.”  He rested his hand over the pendant as he fixed his gaze on Camarin’s deep brown eyes.

“I love you.”  Camarin breathed, as she savored the cocoa flavored kiss that followed.

Johnny took a deep breath of the ham scented air.  “Dinner smells wonderful.  How long ‘til we eat?”

Hannah leaned back into her husband’s arms contentedly.  “Soon.  I’m having a good time just standing here enjoying the view.”

Johnny followed her gaze to the activity in the living room.  There was a time when he never could have imagined a life so rich and blessed with both friends and family.  “Yeah…me too.  It’s the best…”

“…Christmas ever.”  Justin smiled broadly, settling in next to his future wife as their girls came running back downstairs.

* * *

Part 7