My Best Girl

Part 2

Johnny stared down into the incubator, watching his daughter sleep. She was naked except for her diaper and the soft pads covering her eyes, but he knew she was being kept warm inside the isolette. The bili lights cast a bluish hue over her, but she was beautiful anyway. Without her knitted cap, he could see just how much black hair she had. Jordan's had been more brown at birth, but had grown darker as he got older. Johnny wondered what changes would come for this little one.

He was able to reach inside and touch her and at the moment one of her tiny fists was curled around his finger. It still amazed him how such a small gesture could melt his heart.

He turned his gaze back on the tiny figure inside the incubator. "You should have seen her before they put the pads on. She looked up at me with the biggest, blackest eyes..." He paused, feeling a tightness in his throat that he couldn't explain. And then he felt Dixie's hand on his back.

"I know," Johnny replied. "I've seen jaundiced babies before. But... well it's just different when it's your own kid. Ya know? You want everything to be perfect."

"I'm glad you're here, Dix..." He paused when he happened to glance up at the clock on the nursery wall. It was nearly midnight. He frowned at his friend. "Why are you here? You were off nearly six hours ago."

Dixie shrugged nonchalantly. "Oh, you know... paperwork." Then she smiled broadly and gave Johnny a big hug. "Congratulations."

Johnny hugged her back enthusiastically. "Thanks, Dix." When they broke apart, he suddenly realized she was the only one who knew about the baby yet. "Hey, I should call Penny's folks." He glanced at the clock again uncertainly. "You think they'd mind if I woke them up?"

"I guess I better do that then. I can make a credit card call from Penny's room. Lydia and Jordan have probably been asleep for hours, so I'll wait and tell them in the morning in person. Roy's at work, and I don't want to bother Joanne this late..."

He stopped at the amusement on Dixie's face and realized he'd been babbling again. He grinned self-consciously and shrugged. If a new father wasn't entitled, then who was?

"And I guess I can finally go home," Dixie said with a yawn. "I have to be back to work in a few hours. I'll be sure and come up to check on our princess here. Oh, by the way... did you ever settle on a name?"

Johnny shook his head. "We have it whittled down to two, but we hadn't decided yet. Just something else we need to figure out."

Johnny watched her go, then turned back to stroke his baby's cheek. The nurses had told him they would be bringing her into Penny's room in a little while to let her nurse. So he would go and make his phone calls before that happened. He didn't want to waste any of the time he had with his wife and daughter on the phone.

The nurses directed him to the Post Partum wing where Penny had been taken and he found his wife alone in the double room. The light was low, and Johnny could see his wife was asleep. She certainly deserved it after all she'd been through in the last few hours.

He walked over to the side of her bed and pulled up the chair. He reached out and tenderly brushed a strand of hair off her forehead. The conversation he'd had with Lydia earlier this evening played through his mind - how she was the reason he'd married Penny. His old friend had been teasing him of course, but he was the first to admit Lydia had played a major role in his decision to say goodbye to bachelorhood and take the plunge into married life. It was something he would be forever grateful for.

A wave of fatigue washed over him and he realized the hours had finally caught up to him. He settled into the chair, trying to get as comfortable as possible. He would wait to call Penny's parents until she woke up. She'd want to tell them herself. He propped his head on his hand and allowed his eyes to close. He would just catch a little catnap. He knew the nurses would be in before too much longer.

Lydia woke with a start, disoriented, and suddenly found it hard to draw a breath. She sat up straighter, felt the dull pain in her left arm and remembered Jordan had been asleep beside her. She glanced down at the couch. The boy was still sleeping soundly. She shook her arm, thinking the child must have been laying on it, but it didn't help much. There was still a dull ache.

She tried to keep calm and draw deep breaths, but it seemed no matter how hard she worked, she wasn't getting enough air into her lungs. Fighting back panic, she reached down to check her oxygen, to be sure it was adjusted right. She turned it up as high as it would go and that seemed to help some, but she was certain now that something was wrong with her.

She wasn't sure what time it was. She stared at the televison for a moment. Little House was long since over and it took her a long moment to realize The Tonight Show was on, so she knew it was very late. Johnny wasn't home - that she was certain of. He would have put Jordan to bed and then made sure she was either more comfortable on the couch or helped her to the bed in the nursery.

After a few minutes, with her breathing still labored, she knew she needed help. Especially since she was the only one here for Jordan. She was afraid of becoming so ill she couldn't take care of him, or of having him wake up and finding her incapacitated. He would be frightened, and that was the last thing Lydia wanted.

She scooted down to the other side of the couch where the telephone sat on an end table. That small effort left her breathing faster than before. She was scared now. She needed to get help fast, before she was unable to. She wasn't sure if she'd be able to get through to Johnny at Rampart, so she dialed the first number that came into her head.

Joanne DeSoto had drifted off what seemed to her only moments before the phone beside her bed rang shrilly, but the clock told her it had been over an hour. She fumbled for it quickly, not wanting it to wake the kids. And as she answered it, she had to stifle the flash of fear that something had happened to Roy.

Joanne frowned into the phone. The voice on the other end was weak and it took her a moment to place it. When she did, she sat up in bed, relieved that it wasn't about Roy, but worried about why Lydia would be calling her in the middle of the night.

"Lydia? Lydia, what's wrong?" She knew Johnny and Penny were at Rampart. Roy had called her and filled her in on what had happened this evening. For an instant, she felt a deep dread in her stomach that things had gone horribly wrong at the hospital.

"Joanne... can you... can you come over... to Johnny's? I... I'm not doing... doing very well and I... I have Jordan here and..."

Relief washed over her that the news wasn't bad, yet at the same time it was obvious something was wrong with Lydia. Joanne got out of bed at the same time she assured the older woman she would be right over.

Joanne hung up and threw on some jeans and a blouse. She didn't bother with socks, but just slipped on her sandals. She walked down the hall and knocked lightly on Chris' door. At sixteen, she and Roy pretty much left his bedtime up to their son. Chris was usually responsible, but since it was the weekend, he might still be awake.

"I don't know. She sounded pretty scared. I'm not sure how long I'll be, so if I'm gone all night, you're in charge. Tell Jenny I said so," she added with a smile, knowing her thirteen year old daughter sometimes resented having her big brother tell her what to do.

The trip to Johnny's usually took about twenty minutes. This time of night there wasn't much traffic, and Joanne pushed the speed limits more than just a bit. She pulled into the driveway in about half the time, jumping out of the car as soon as she shut off the engine and grabbed the keys out of the ignition.

She had a key to the house. Johnny and Penny had given them one when they first bought the place to use for emergencies. Joanne rushed up the walkway and had the front door open in an instant.

Joanne rushed into the living room and found the older woman sitting on the couch, obviously in respiratory distress. To her surprise Jordan was awake. He was in his pajamas, sitting up on his knees and holding Lydia's hand.

The woman's face was ashen, and she looked much older than Joanne knew she was. It was frightening to see the normally active woman looking so frail. "Not... not too good, I think. I... I can't seem... to breathe right... and my arm... my arm hurts pretty bad."

Joanne had been married to a paramedic long enough to know those symptoms were not good. This wasn't just a flare up of Lydia's emphysema. She also knew there wasn't anything she could do on her own. She patted the woman's hand and reached for the phone.

"I know, sweetie," Joanne answered, glad the boy wasn't really aware just how serious the situation was. "But he's at the hospital with your mommy, remember? So I called some of his friends."

When the dispatcher answered, Joanne gave as much information as she could, trying to keep from frightening Jordan. She didn't actually say "heart attack," but that's what she was afraid was happening, given Lydia's history and symptoms.

The next few minutes dragged by agonizingly slow for Joanne. Listening to Lydia fight to breathe was making her more and more afraid that the woman would die before the squad got here. By now Jordan had picked up on some of the sense of trouble. He kept patting Lydia's hand until he heard the wail of the approaching siren. He jumped down off the couch and ran to the window to peer outside.

Joanne certainly hoped so. As she rushed to opened the door for Squad 10's paramedics, she knew Johnny and his family would be devastated if Lydia died. Even her own family would feel the loss keenly. Lydia had become a part of all their lives.

The two paramedics rushed in with their equipment. Joanne moved over to stand by Jordan, out of the way, but nearby to answer whatever questions she could. With quick movements, the two men had Lydia on a stronger flow of oxygen and hooked up to their EKG machine. One of them called into Rampart and they began establishing and IV and administering medication. Through the whole process Lydia remained silent, using all her energy to keep breathing.

Joanne watched with apprehension, praying that Lydia would be all right. When she felt Jordan's little hand grab hold of hers, she knew the whole scene had become too much for the three year old. His initial excitement of having the Squad show up at his house had now been replaced by fear. He looked up at Joanne with tears in his brown eyes, and she reached down to pick him up. He wrapped his arms around her neck and buried his face against her chest.

"We're gonna have to take her in," one of the men reported to Joanne, after being told by the hospital to transport. "Are you family?"

Joanne smiled wryly. It hadn't occurred to her before, but of course Squad 10 would have been the ones to respond with Roy to Penny's car accident.

"Is she going to be all right?" Joanne asked tentatively, unsure if she really wanted to know the answer. And she could tell by the look on the man's face that he was reluctant to tell her.

It was the standard answer. Joanne knew paramedics were taught to keep the families calm and leave the hard truths to the hospital staff. She watched them load Lydia up on the gurney and fasten the straps. Before they took her out, Joanne moved over to offer the woman a last bit of encouragement.

"Let's get your shoes on, Big Guy," she said, purposefully using Johnny's nickname for the boy in an attempt to make him feel better. "Then you can ride with me to the hospital. We can see your daddy there, and probably your mommy too. How 'bout that?"

Jordan sniffed once more, but nodded his head. Joanne knew that to a frightened three year old, the best cure of all would be to be held in your daddy's arms.

Johnny jerked his head up, realized with embarrassment he'd been drooling in his hand, and hastily wiped his palm on his pant leg. He glanced quickly at Penny. She was still asleep. He then turned his attention to the young nurse standing in the doorway with an apologetic look on her face.

"Okay." He rubbed a hand across his face, feeling the trace of stubble. "Look, if my wife wakes up..." He didn't want to worry Penny needlessly. Bad news could wait until they knew for sure what had happened. "Just tell her I had to step out for a while."

He didn't even wait to see the young woman nod acknowledgment. He hurried down the hall toward the elevators. His mind was fumbling to come up with names, and the one he kept coming up with sent a weight of dread to settle in his gut. It was still B shift. He knew a few guys who worked that shift, but only one to whom an injury would warrant calling Johnny down from his wife and newborn baby.

After what seemed an eternity, the elevator reached the ground floor and the doors slid open. Johnny hurried out. Dodging and weaving through the crowd of people who always seemed to fill the Emergency Room halls, he made his way toward the nurses' station. He knew Dixie had gone home, but hopefully someone he knew would be on tonight - someone who would give him some straight answers.

He stopped in mid sentence. He'd just rounded the row of plastic chairs and suddenly saw that Joanne wasn't alone. Sitting beside her, clutching one of her arms was Jordan. Johnny didn't even have time to try and figure out what his son was doing here... and with Joanne, before Jordan saw him and launched himself into his father's arms.

"What's going on?" he asked in confusion, but at the same time he drew the only conclusion he could, Jordan pulled back, tears streaming down his face.

"Granny Lyddie got sick, Daddy. An' dey took her in the am'blience an' put a scary mask on her... an' I tried to be a helper but she was too sick." He lay his head down on his father's shoulder.

"Okay, buddy, okay." Johnny battled back his own anxiety as he patted his son's back until he felt the little body stop shuddering with sobs. Once Jordan was calmed somewhat, Johnny turned to Joanne for a more complete explanation. "What happened?"

Joanne gestured for him to take the seat beside her. "Lydia called me. She was having trouble breathing and she said her arm hurt. She was worried about Jordan." Joanne bit on her lower lip and Johnny knew she was nearly as upset as his son. "I came as soon as I could. I waited to call for a squad. I was afraid they'd get there before me and scare Jordan. Maybe I should have called sooner."

Joanne shook her head. "Not yet. Dr. Lowe is the cardiologist on call tonight. He's with her right now. I think they called her own doctor too."

Her heart. Even though the emphysema had been progressing, it was her heart that was giving out. Johnny's own heart felt unbearably heavy. Not that this was unexpected, but it would never be welcomed, whenever it happened.

Johnny shrugged, trying to minimize any concerns. "A little small, but not too bad. And they've got her under the lights. She's a little jaundiced."

"Really? I never knew that. A couple days, huh?" That little bit of encouragement helped to ease the lingering worries about the baby. Somewhat relieved, he nudged Jordan so that the boy lifted his head. "You have a baby sister."

Joanne snorted at that, and Johnny had to smile. He supposed all women thought men had absolutely no idea just how hard it really was. And they were probably right.

Joanne walked down the corridor to the vending machines, thankful for the chance to stretch her legs. Somebody certainly needed to design a more comfortable waiting room chair. She inserted her change and got coffee for Johnny and herself, then moved to the other machine and bought some crackers for Jordan. She was surprised that the boy was still awake, but with all that had happened tonight, maybe she shouldn't be.

As she returned to the row of chairs the sight of the two of them sitting there, Jordan's head still on Johnny's shoulder, his thumb in his mouth, made Joanne's heart ache. She wished she could do something, but she knew you couldn't spare people all the griefs of life and death. In the end all she could do was bring coffee and crackers and a shoulder to lean on - or to cry on if it came to that. But that's really all friends could do anyway. Be there for each other.

"Here, Johnny," she said as she offered the paper cup. She set hers on the empty chair beside her and opened up the small package of animals crackers.

"The kids are fast asleep," she answered with a half way exasperated smile. He'd told her she could go home at least a dozen times. "And besides, no matter how much you refuse to believe it, Johnny, those 'kids' are pretty grown up now. They'd be terribly offended if they knew you still thought of them as six years old."

"It's an elephant," she coaxed, knowing how enchanted he'd become with elephants ever since they'd taken all the kids to the zoo.

His dark eyes moved between Joanne and the cracker, and he finally took it. He didn't eat it. He merely held it in his hand as he lay against Johnny's shoulder. Joanne sighed sadly. She knew Lydia was really the only grandparent Jordan knew. Johnny's parents were both deceased, and Penny's lived in Sacramento. Though they visited at holidays and during the summers, they didn't have that day to day familiarity with their grandson that Lydia had.

Joanne looked up and saw a lanky, silver haired man in jeans and a plaid shirt and slightly askew tie. Though he wasn't dressed the part, she recognized him as Dr. Francher, Lydia's regular cardiologist. Joanne had met him a few times when she'd taken Lydia for a checkup. She supposed he'd seen Johnny frequently enough to be on a first name basis with him.

"Hey, Doc," Johnny greeted anxiously. He started to stand up, but Dr. Francher waved him to stay seated. The man took the seat next to him. "How's she doing?"

"She's stable for now," the doctor informed them quietly, but Joanne could tell by the look on the man's face that this wasn't going to be the news they'd wanted. "But I won't kid you, John. She's had a major event here. Her heart's suffered pretty extensive damage."

"There's won't be a long run, John," Dr. Francher said compassionately. "There's just too much damage." After a long silence, the man added, "It wouldn't have been much longer anyway. Her lungs were giving out. It's actually kinder this way."

"Kinder?" Johnny scoffed under his breath, but Joanne knew he wasn't angry with the doctor. There wasn't anybody to be mad at. "Can we see her?" he finally asked.

"Not tonight," Dr. Francher replied. "She's sedated, and we need to get her settled in CCU. It would be better to wait 'til tomorrow."

Though Johnny didn't say anything, Joanne could tell what he was thinking. There may not be a tomorrow. The doctor got up from the chair, shook Johnny's hand and walked down to the nurses's station, where he stood and wrote in Lydia's chart.

The heavy sigh beside her turned Joanne back to Johnny. He shifted Jordan slightly and got to his feet. Joanne stood up as well.

Johnny nodded slowly. "In a minute though, if you don't mind waiting, Jo. I want to take him up to see the baby... and Penny too, if she's awake. I think he needs to see them both."

If there were perks to being a paramedic, one of them was that sometimes the hospital staff bent or overlooked a few rules when one of your own was a patient. Normally a child not yet four wouldn't have been allowed anywhere near CCU. But today the nurses were conveniently looking the other way as Johnny walked down the hall holding Jordan's hand.

It was important to him that his son get to see Lydia and say goodbye. She was awake and mostly lucid, though she tired easily. Johnny had gone over the rules many times with Jordan. He knew he couldn't be loud, or jostle Granny Lyddie's bed. He knew she might have scary things attached to her to give her medicine and help her breathe. He knew she might not be able to talk to him, but he wasn't to get upset. She would know he was there and that would make her happy.

Last night, after Joanne had taken Jordan home, Johnny and Penny talked for quite a while. Penny had urged him to go home and get some rest, and finally, Johnny reluctantly agreed. But he couldn't leave Rampart without at least seeing Lydia.

He found her room and sat by her side for some time. The nurses didn't bother him or ask him to leave, and he was grateful for that. Lydia never stirred until just when it was starting to get light outside. Johnny knew she was still medicated, but she seemed to know he was there. He was holding her hand and she squeezed it weakly.

He had to tell her a few times before she settled back down. He'd stayed by her side a while longer, but when he caught himself nodding off, he decided he'd better go home before he fell asleep right here in CCU.

The house seemed awfully empty when he opened the front door, but he tried not to dwell on it. He kicked off his shoes and collapsed onto his bed, falling asleep before his head even hit the pillow. But it hadn't been a restful sleep. He awoke only a few hours later, bolting up in bed afraid Lydia had passed in the night and he hadn't been there. But a quick check of the answering machine told him there were no calls from Rampart.

He was still tired, but years of being a firefighter had given him the ability to function on very little sleep. He showered and shaved, then made himself eat a piece of toast and drink a few gulps of coffee. A call to the hospital told him that Lydia's condition was the same, but there was good news at least about his wife and baby. The lights were doing the trick and the baby's bilirubin count was coming down.

He found it bittersweet that he was welcoming a new life at the same time he was saying farewell to an old one, and it left him in an emotional limbo. He figured he would have a lot of time to sort out his feelings. Right now he had things he needed to do.

"Hi, Uncle Johnny," Jennifer greeted, and Johnny smiled to himself, remembering Joanne's words about the kids being grown up. He wondered if he embarrassed Jenny when he called her his pet name, but decided that was his right as her favorite "uncle."

That was Joanne... always the mother. Johnny smiled at her caring. "Some," he answered truthfully. "I called this morning and things are about the same," he added before she had to ask. "How's my boy doing?"

"All right, considering how tired he was. He fell asleep in the car on the way home and just woke up a few minutes ago. He's already asking about Granny Lyddie and Mommy and the baby."

"I'm sure he is. Listen Jo... I was wondering... well, I want to let Jordan see Lydia. But I want to see her first... see how she is... see if it's a good idea. I don't wanna scare him."

"I think that's a really good idea," Joanne agreed. "Do you want to call us from the hospital? Tell us whether or not to bring him?"

That had been earlier this morning. Johnny had driven to Rampart, checked in with Penny and the baby, then headed to CCU. He found Lydia mostly awake, though very weak. She was hooked up to a lot of monitors, but he didn't think it was anything Jordan wouldn't be able to handle. And when he told his old friend that he was going to bring the boy in to see her, her face lit up behind the oxygen mask and a light came into her eyes that convinced Johnny he was doing the right thing.

So he'd called Joanne. Thirty minutes later he was surprised to see the entire DeSoto family walk into the hospital, Jordan riding on Chris' shoulders. Johnny felt his throat grow tight at how good of friends he had in this family. Roy should be home resting from his last shift. And there were certainly better things two teenagers could find to do than to come hang out at a hospital. But here they all were, and not a sign of complaint from any of them.

They had a brief conference about how to handle the visit. Chris and Jenny went up to see the baby and to visit with Penny, but Roy and Joanne came with Johnny, in case Jordan needed to be taken from Lydia's room for any reason.

Convinced he had everything covered, Johnny led his son into Lydia's hospital room. Roy and Joanne came just inside the door, hanging back to give their friends privacy. Johnny's biggest fears were that no matter how much he'd tried to prepare his son, Jordan would be frightened at seeing his Granny Lyddie so sick, or that he would get too excited at seeing her and do something boisterous in greeting.

None of that happened. Jordan walked quietly to the side of the bed, and Johnny helped him climb up into the chair. The boy got on his knees and leaned on the railing, looking down at the frail woman for a moment before he reached out and laid his little hand on her shoulder. Then, in his best "indoor voice," he began talking to her.

The gray head stirred on the pillow, and Lydia opened her eyes. Her breathing was labored. Her voice was feeble, and the mask didn't help, but Johnny was close enough to hear the joy in her words.

Jordan's face lit up, and he patted her shoulder in a comforting gesture. "Daddy said I could if I was a good boy an' din't make a lot of noise. You can't be noisy in a hopsital."

Their conversation went on in that vein. They talked about nothing in particular - the things that only mattered to a three year old - yet they was the most important words in the world. They spoke of love and caring and anyone in the room could hear it loud and clear.

He turned at Roy's quiet voice and saw his friend beckoning him over. He walked to the door, and Roy gestured him outside, a perplexed look on his face. Making sure Joanne stayed to keep an eye on Jordan, Johnny followed after Roy.

When they stepped into the hall, Johnny couldn't keep back a grin. There was Penny, sitting in a wheelchair, their baby girl cradled tenderly in her arms. Chris and Jenny flanked either side of the chair, and both teens wore conspiratorial smiles on their faces.

"Don't be mad at them, Roy," Penny spoke up. "It was my idea to go AWOL. The kids just happened to be handy to drive the getaway car."

Roy rolled his eyes, and Jenny giggled. Johnny moved behind Penny's chair and took over the handling. He raised his eyebrows at Roy, waiting for his friend to open the door. When Roy hesitated, Johnny just grinned wider.

Roy merely shook his head, but he was smiling as he opened the door. None of the DeSotos followed them inside, however, and Joanne slipped out as the wheelchair went past her, allowing the Gage family some time together with Lydia.

Lydia was more tired than she could ever remember being. It was such hard work to breathe and talking took so much out of her. But she could listen. And right now she was smiling under her oxygen mask as her Little Man kept up most of the conversation between them. It had been so sweet of Johnny to bring the boy in, and so like him to know just what she needed to lighten the darkness that seemed to lurk at every corner.

She knew she was dying. Her doctor had been honest with her, and even if she hadn't, she'd know it by the pain she saw in Johnny's eyes whenever he looked at her.

She didn't mind going. But she would regret the sorrow those she left behind would feel. That was the irony of life. You couldn't love without having the hurt that went along with it.

Johnny helped Jordan off the chair, then he moved it out of the way so he could get Penny lined up with the side of the bed. Penny looked radiant as she held up the baby for Lydia to see, but there were unshed tears in her eyes. Joy and sorrow. That was the way of it.

Penny reached out and squeezed Lydia's hand. They didn't speak, but their eyes met and Lydia nodded acknowledgment of what Penny couldn't put into words.

"What's... what's her... her name?" Lydia asked. Penny glanced up at Johnny, and Lydia thought they looked awfully guilty. "You... you didn't... you didn't saddle... her with my... with my name, did you? I... I told you... told you not to..."

Lydia had a vivid flashback of the boys at school singing "Lydia, oh Lydia, oh have you met Lydia" in terrible Groucho Marx imitations. It was the main reason she had always detested her name.

"Her's name's Lynette," Penny told her, ending the suspense and slapping at Johnny's arm for drawing it out. "Lynette Marie Gage."

"That's... that's pretty. A pretty name... for a... a pretty girl." She dredged up enough strength to lift her hand and stroke the baby's soft cheek. "I'm so... so glad you... you brought her."

"Busted," Johnny said with a sheepish grin. He reached over the bed rail and took hold of Lydia's hand. "Let me get these hardened criminals back where they belong and I'll come sit with you for a while."

Lydia nodded. She felt Johnny squeeze her hand, and then he let go and pushed Penny's wheelchair toward the door. Jordan moved in where his mother had been and stood up on tiptoes to peer over the rail.

It was quiet in Lydia's room. Johnny had asked the nurse to turn the sound off on the heart monitor so they wouldn't have that relentless beep constantly reminding them of why they were here.

The nurses had scolded them about taking the baby off the floor, then wheeled her back to spend some more time under the lights. Johnny had done his best to appear repentant, though he made sure he didn't meet his wife's eyes. He wouldn't have been able to keep from laughing. He knew Penny was taking the chastisement about as seriously as he was. They might have been more contrite if the doctor hadn't already told them they could take her home tomorrow morning.

The DeSotos had visited with Penny for a little while, then offered to take Jordan down to the cafeteria while Johnny went back to spend time with Lydia. He'd told Jordan to be a good boy, then spent a minute trying to give Roy money for whatever his son ate. That proved to be fruitless.

"I'm the captain," Roy reminded him with a chuckle. "I'm the one making the big bucks here. I think I can afford a hot dog and some french fries."

"Hey... I'm gonna be joining you in that higher tax bracket, remember?" Johnny retorted in mock indignation. But he put his wallet away.

He kissed Penny and left her to get some rest, then took the elevator back to CCU. He found Lydia asleep and settled down to sit beside her.

Johnny opened his eyes, not realizing that he'd dozed off. Lydia was awake and regarding him with faint amusement. He smiled and leaned onto the railing, much like his son had done earlier.

He knew if she'd had more strength she would have laughed as the truth to her statement registered on his face. He shrugged in resignation and grinned.

The smile faded from his face, and there was a moment between them where no words were spoken. Then Lydia lifted her hand and let it cover his where it rested on the railing.

"It's all... all right, my...my boy. It's time. I've had a... a good life. No... no complaints... well, not... not many. But I'm... I'm tired now... so tired. And... and I... I do miss Albert... some... something awful."

She fell silent, her wheezing breath the only sound in the room. He wanted to say something to her. Tell her how much he was going to miss her. How much she meant to him and how glad he was she'd been a part of his life. But the words wouldn't come. They were twisted up inside and couldn't get past the tightness in his throat. He settled for laying his other hand over hers.

Penny sighed as she lay in her hospital bed. Roy and Joanne had Jordan in hand down in the cafeteria. The baby had been fed and was in the nursery, asleep in a regular basinet. Dr. Murphy had been in to tell her Lynette had finished with her photo-therapy was in excellent shape. She'd gained some ounces too, and was more than ready for her discharge in the morning.

Left alone, Penny had taken a shower and felt much refreshed. She only wished the water had been able to wash away sadness that loomed, even over all the joy over the baby. She knew that in the morning, when her family went home and were finally together, there would be an emptiness that would linger for a long time.

She had turned on the TV for a time, but wasn't interested in anything that was on. She tried to sleep, but that state of forgetfulness proved elusive. Her mind was on Lydia - and on Johnny. Of all of them, he was going to be hit the hardest by her passing.

Penny knew her husband liked the world to think of him as funny and carefree. But she also knew that underneath the facade was a deeply caring man - a man who'd found in Lydia a fast friend and kindred spirit. A man who'd found in Lydia the mother he'd lost when he was so young.

She thought back to the day she'd first met the feisty old woman who'd meant so much to her family. Who was responsible for Penny and Johnny even being together. She remembered the day of their wedding. How nervous Johnny was. How he couldn't stand still long enough for Roy to help him tie the bow tie on his tuxedo. How big the smile was on his face as Penny walked toward him down the aisle. How sweet he looked when he danced with Lydia at the reception. How long Lydia had hugged her before they left for their honeymoon.

Tears welled up in Penny's eyes. They would have none of those memories if it weren't for Lydia. There wouldn't be a Jordan or little Lynette. Because of Lydia they were a family. And they would have the memories. They would always have the memories.

She realized suddenly that someone was standing in her doorway. She glanced up and saw Johnny. He didn't say anything. He didn't have to. He looked tired - and a little lost. He came in and walked up to her bedside, sitting down in the chair with a weariness that seemed to weigh him down.

Johnny nodded once. A fleeting smile played across his face before he turned away slightly. He was working so hard to be strong, but she could see it was a losing battle. The communication between them was silent, but Penny opened her arms and he came to her. Leaning down, he lay his head down on her chest, his arm draped across her. She wrapped her arms around him, one hand running through his hair, much like she did for Jordan when he had hurts. For men, no matter how much they denied it, were only little boys in big bodies. She could feel his shoulders shaking as he silently cried.

Roy headed down the hall to Lydia's room, looking for Johnny. They'd finished lunch a while ago, and there was only so much in a hospital cafeteria to keep an active three year old entertained. He and Joanne were going to take the boy back to their house, but he wanted to check in with Johnny first.

When he reached the room he stopped at the doorway. Lydia was lying in her bed, but Johnny wasn't here. There was a nurse casually unhooking the many monitors used for a critical heart patient. It was obvious that Lydia was gone.

"I'm sorry, sir, do you need something?" She walked around the bed, drawing the curtain with her to shield Lydia's body from supposedly prying eyes.

The elevator took him to the sixth floor. The atmosphere in Labor and Delivery was such a contrast to CCU. Most people were here for happy reasons. Roy smiled as he walked past the big nursery window and headed for the Post Partum wing.

The door to Penny's room was propped open, and Roy started to walk in, but halted in mid-step. He could see Johnny lying in Penny's arms. Penny was obviously comforting him. Roy backed up without interrupting. They needed this time together.

He went back to the nurses' station and left word for Johnny that Jordan was with them. He then geared himself up to go back to the cafeteria and break the news to his family. He would leave telling Jordan to Johnny. News like that needed to come from the child's father. He didn't think they'd have Jordan overnight though. Somehow he felt Johnny would want his son at home with him tonight.

The evening was warm with just the trace of a breeze keeping it from being too hot. Johnny sat in the porch swing swaying slightly, lost in thought. With Penny and the baby staying one more night at Rampart and Jordan in bed, he finally had some quiet time to mull over everything he'd gained and lost the last couple of days.

His grandfather used to say there was never any joy without a little pain. That was certainly proving true, and he found himself in an emotional limbo - not sure whether to laugh or cry. He could almost hear Lydia's voice telling him not to worry, there would be time for both. And he suddenly had to fight the well of tears as it registered that he would never again be able to turn to his dear friend for her wise council.

Johnny turned to see his son, pajama clad and barefoot, standing just outside the open screen door. His dark hair was tousled but he didn't look like he'd been asleep.

"Hey, Big Guy, what's up?" Johnny greeted softly, swiping quickly at his eyes. "I thought you were asleep." He opened his arms in an invitation, and Jordan padded over and climbed up into the swing.

Johnny gave the boy a few moments to settle in under his arm before he asked him again. "What'sa matter?" They'd had a long talk when they first got home, and Jordan had seemed okay with things. But Johnny wasn't foolish enough to think that his son would never have any problems about losing Lydia.

"Me either," Johnny agreed. He hugged his son tighter. "But she'll be home tomorrow. And baby Lynette will come home too, so then we'll all be a family again. How's that sound?"

Jordan's small shoulders heaved in a heavy sigh. "Not a whole family, Daddy," he corrected solemnly. "Granny Lyddie won't be here."

Johnny had to wait til his throat wasn't quite so tight before he answered. "I know, buddy. But we'll have to try our best to be a family without her. She wouldn't want us to be sad, would she?"

Jordan shook his head slowly and remained silent. They sat quietly rocking for a time, and then he pulled away enough to look into his father's eyes.

"She said I shouldn't be sad 'cause she was a tired ol' lady an' ready to let the angels take her to see Grampa Albert. He missed her for a long, long time, and he's gonna be soooo happy to see her. She said we should be happy too."

Johnny wasn't sure what he'd been expecting, but it certainly wasn't the wisdom that came out of his son's mouth. When he finally found the words to answer, he had to work to keep his voice from breaking. "She's right, ya know." He had to clear his throat before he could continue. "Grandpa Albert wanted her to come see him a few years ago, but she stayed around longer so she could be with us. So she could be with me and Mommy... and you." Johnny reached down and tweaked Jordan's nose. "Especially you."

Jordan snuggled once more against his father and Johnny held him close. They were quiet again, the sound of the crickets filling the silence. Just when Johnny thought his son might have fallen asleep, the boy spoke up again, his voice small in the night.

This time Johnny didn't even try to keep back the tears that spilled down his cheeks. He pulled Jordan into his lap and wrapped his son in his arms.

Johnny nodded as they walked. He was pushing the stroller were Lynette was sound asleep. Penny was walking beside him holding their son's hand. In his other hand, Jordan clutched the colorful picture he'd drawn this morning.

It was a beautiful Sunday morning. The sun was shining and the air was fresh and crisp. For once the morning coastal fog that was so prevalent this time of year had burned off early, leaving the sky with only a few stray clouds.

When they reached their destination, they stopped, and Johnny lifted the baby out of the stroller to hold her in his arms. The grass would be much too bumpy a ride. The small family walked the few yards to the plot they were looking for and then stopped.

There were two headstones here. One was older and worn. The other was new. Enough time had passed, however, that the grass had filled in completely, though there was still a small swelling to indicate that the grave was recent.

Jordan, with the simple acceptance of a child, walked right up to the grave and lovingly placed his picture onto the slight mound.

"He sure is," Penny agreed, letting her hand rest on Jordan's head. She stooped down and laid a bright arrangement of flowers next to the picture. After a moment she stood back up and took Jordan by the hand. "Come on, sweetie. Let's give Daddy some time."

She took the baby from Johnny and beckoned Jordan to follow her to the stroller. Johnny watched them go, then turned back to grave. He moved over and stooped down, one hand resting on top of the stone. He could see the inscription there.

His eyes moved over to the older stone, where Albert had rested for so long waiting for his beloved to join him in whatever awaited them on the other side.

"Thank you for sharing her with us," Johnny whispered. His hand moved along Lydia's stone in a tender gesture. "Happy Mother's Day, Lydia. Happy Mother's Day."