The Best Man

Roy DeSoto had just sat down in front of his locker and started to unbutton his short-sleeved, blue plaid shirt when John Gage came in. Johnny had a dry cleaner's bag over his shoulder with his uniforms in it and he whistled lightly between his teeth as he hung it in his locker and began to change.

"So how was San Francisco?" Johnny asked.

"The usual," Roy replied. "Joanne's brother-in-law still makes more money than I do. Their house is still fancier than ours and they still drive a newer car and wear nicer clothes and belong to more snooty clubs. And my mother-in-law still hates me."

"More snooty clubs? There are clubs out there snootier than the Boy Scouts of America and the PTA?"

Roy grinned and changed the subject. "What did you do while we were off?"

"Well," Johnny swiftly exchanged his jeans for his uniform pants, then sat on the bench with his blue work shirt hanging open, revealing a white tee shirt underneath. He picked up one shoe, then stopped for a moment to concentrate on the conversation. "Chet set me up on a blind date that turned out to be very interesting."

"Oh really? Someone you hit it off with?"

"No. You see --" Johnny broke off as Chet's voice came to them from the kitchen. Footsteps approached, ringing on the concrete floor. Johnny gave Roy a sly wink and studiously returned to the task of dressing. When Chet came into the locker room, sipping a cup of coffee, Johnny was tying his left shoe.

"So, Gage," Chet began, his manner carefully casual, "how did the date go last night? That Stephanie is one hot chick, isn't she?"

Johnny finished tying his shoe before he answered. He leaned forward, resting his forearms on his knees, sighed deeply and spoke seriously and with regret. "Chet, man, there's something I think you need to know about Stephanie."

Chet blinked in surprise, his face and manner just a little too innocent to be genuine. "Oh? What's that John?"

"Stephanie is," Johnny sighed and shook his head, "I mean to say, Stephanie-- Man! I can't believe that I am saying this! Especially about such a beautiful chick! Chet, Stephanie . . . ."

Chet settled himself on the bench opposite them, leaned back and crossed his ankles. "Just say it, Gage," he suggested, taking a sip of coffee.

"Stephanie is totally hung up on you," Johnny said.

Chet choked and snorted coffee out his nose. "What?! No way! You're lying!"

"Why would I lie about a thing like that?" Johnny asked. "Heck! It's killing me to even say it. I'm trying to be noble and manly here and you accuse me of lying! Sheesh! I mean, I'm sure that I could make her forget you if I put my mind to it, but somehow it just doesn't seem like the right thing to do."

Roy leaned forward and watched, intrigued. He knew that something was going on here, but for the moment he was at a loss as to what it was.

"Hung up on me?" Chet squawked. "What do you mean hung up on me? What makes you think she's hung up on me?"

"She told me so!" Johnny rose and turned to hang his street clothes in his locker, talking over his shoulder. "I don't think she meant to. I took her to Caligari's, you know? That Italian place over on Thirtieth and Winslow? They started off by bringing us wine, and Stephanie hadn't eaten anything all day and, well, she kind of got drunk. First thing I know, she's sitting there crying. She confessed that the only reason she was going out with me was because you asked her to. Said she can't refuse you anything." Johnny snorted. "She digs your sense of humor, of all things. And -- I can't believe I'm saying this -- she thinks your mustache is sexy." He patted at his chest, then glanced around in consternation. "Hey, anybody seen my badge anywhere?"

Roy had seen it. He'd seen Johnny slip it into his pocket just before he started 'looking' for it. "Did you leave it in your car?" he asked.

Johnny took the opening immediately. "I bet that's it! I sure hope so." He checked his watch. "Only fifteen minutes to roll call. I hope I didn't leave it at home!"

Johnny left the room and Chet immediately turned to Roy. "He's lying, isn't he? Come on, DeSoto! We both know he's just stringing me along!"

Roy still didn't know what was going on, but he knew his partner well enough to realize that Johnny's reason for searching for his badge was to leave them alone so that Chet could ask him this question. Trusting Johnny, Roy played the part that was expected of him.

"Why would he be lying, Chet? You saw how much he hated to admit that the girl likes you better. What's going on?" He gave the bushy-haired fireman a suspicious look. "Is there something wrong with Stephanie? Is that why you set him up with her?"

"What? Wrong with her? Would I do that? Me?"

"Yeah, you."

"Well, I didn't!"

"No?"

"No!"

"So," Roy persisted, "she's a beautiful, wonderful girl, right?"

"Yeah!"

"Who's hung up on you." He leaned forward and slapped Chet on the shoulder. "Congratulations!"

Chet's eyes glazed over. "Yeah. Thanks."

Johnny returned as Chet stood up and wandered from the room in a daze. Roy turned to his partner, expecting an explanation, but before Johnny could speak Mike Stoker and Marco Lopez came in.

"Hey, Gage," Mike exclaimed. "Did I just hear you say that a hot chick is hung up on Kelly?"

Johnny made a face. "Unbelievable, ain't it? Here, check this out." He pulled out his wallet and extracted a 3x5 picture, which he handed to them.

Mike whistled.

Marco shook his head in disbelief. "She's incredible! And she's hung up on Chet?!? Man! Life is not fair!"

Roy reached for the picture, but Johnny intercepted it, studying it himself with one corner of his mouth turned down in disgust. Mike and Marco returned to the kitchen, calling out questions and comments to Chet. Only when their footsteps had died away did Johnny finally pass his partner the picture.

Roy studied it and his blue eyes lit with a mixture of disbelief, amazement, comprehension and merriment. Johnny grinned ever so slightly and raised one eyebrow knowingly.

"You see it, don't you? I figured you would. Do you think maybe it's because we're paramedics? You know, like maybe we're more observant about the human body or something?"

"Could be," Roy allowed. "So how long did it take you to realize that Stephanie was a man?"

"About as long as it took you," Johnny grinned. "You see, this is Chet's idea of payback. Remember when I set him up with that female bodybuilder last month? Well, yesterday he set me up with a transvestite."

"So what happened? What'd you do?"

"Well, I said something right away. I didn't know what Chet had said to the guy and I figured it'd be a good idea to find out. Turns out Steve -- Stephanie's real name is Steve -- is the owner of a joke and hobby shop that Chet goes to a lot. Chet found out that Steve is a transvestite, so he told him that -- get this! -- that he thought I was gay, but that I needed a little encouragement to come out of the closet."

Roy snorted, but didn't interrupt.

"Well, naturally I set the record straight real quick. Uh, no pun intended. Anyway, Steve was pretty annoyed that Chet was using him to play a prank on me, so when I suggested we turn the joke around and get Chet, Steve agreed." The phone rang in the kitchen and Johnny's grin turned evil. "That'll be Steve now. He's going to tell Chet that he got drunk last night and doesn't remember what happened, and then he's going to ask him if I told him anything about our 'date'. Later he's going to show up in drag and get Chet to introduce him to all the guys."

Roy understood immediately. "And that'll mean Chet has to choose between playing along with their assumption that he's involved with 'Stephanie' or admitting to them that a gay man finds him attractive." He giggled and Johnny slapped his shoulder lightly.

"Stop it! If he hears you laughing he'll figure out it's a gag."

"Right. I'm not laughing. I'm cool as a cucumber."

"You are not," Johnny said tolerantly. "You're a dork. But I like you anyway -- in a manly, brotherly love sort of way."

"Yeah, whatever. Okay, I'm not laughing now. Shall we go see what's going on in the kitchen?"

Johnny peered at his partner suspiciously. Roy's blue eyes still danced with merriment, but he figured no one but him knew Roy well enough to read the expression. He nodded and they went together into the kitchen. Johnny grabbed the coffee pot, Roy got two cups and they seated themselves at the table. Chet was off the phone now, staring into nothingness and chewing worriedly on a corner of his mustache.

Johnny pulled the photo from his pocket and lay it on the table in front of Chet. "Here, man. It wouldn't be right for me to be carrying around a picture of your girl. I expect you to remember that I was a big man about this, though!"

Cap leaned over Chet's shoulder and studied the picture. "Wow! She's really a looker! Congratulations, Kelly!" Chet whimpered pathetically. Cap slapped him on the back. "Well, everyone, shall we adjourn to the bay for roll call?"

As they all stood, hastily swallowing the last of their coffees and brushing donut crumbs from their uniforms, Mike gave Johnny a sympathetic glance. "Tough luck, Gage! You know what they say about love and war, though. The best man always wins."

"And that's the truth," Roy muttered, just loud enough for Johnny to hear. "That, Junior, is nothing but the truth!"

The end.

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