Johnny Gage just about had all his chores finished. The only one left on his to do list was grocery shopping. After making out a store order, he left for the Friendly Grocery around the corner.

Parking the Rover in front of the store, Johnny made a mad dash through the rain trying to keep as dry as possible. Once inside, he grabbed a shopping cart.

"Let the shopping begin." John mumbled to himself.

The store was packed, mostly with women shoppers. John maneuvered his buggy down the first aisle that displayed the produce. After he picked out the fruits and vegetables he needed, he moved on to the next row.

Fifteen minutes into his shopping, Johnny turned the corner with his cart and rammed it into another customer's buggy. He started to mumble an apology, but stopped when he looked up into the most beautiful green eyes he had ever seen.

"Uh, excuse me." Johnny finally responded.

"Just watch where you’re going!" the green-eyed lady replied.

"I didn’t break anything, did I?"

"You hit my cart, not me!" the lady said.

Laughing a little, Johnny said. "I meant your eggs."

"Oh! I think everything’s OK."

Not wanting to let an opportunity slip by, Johnny introduced himself.

"I’m John, John Gage."

"That’s nice." the green-eyed beauty said with a smirk.

"Yeah! Uh, do you have a name?" he tried once again.

"Of course I have a name." she shot back.

The incident had turned into an embarrassing situation for the paramedic. He tried to find a way not to look like a complete idiot. She was showing him no mercy. Actually, she seemed to enjoy the awkwardness that hung between them.

Johnny decided it was time to cut his loses and make a hasty retreat. He pulled his cart away from the unfriendly woman and started to push by her.

"I know what you were up to." the lady exclaimed.

"What? I’m sorry, were you speaking to me?" Johnny replying with a chill in his voice.

"Yes, I was *speaking* to you. You’re not the first, you know."

"Lady, I have no idea what you’re talking about and don’t really care. Now, if you’d excuse me, I have shopping to do." Johnny said while trying to turn the corner to the next aisle.

"You don’t! Well let me fill you in. The first time I thought it was an accident, the second, a coincidence but now a third time, I know." she said indignantly.

"What? Just what do you know?" John’s tempter in flared.

"Sure play it straight. Pretend to be innocent."

"I’ve had it."

"You’ve had it?!? I’ve had it! I’m sick and tired of being hit on. Can’t you guys come up with something better to do then replay an episode of Happy Days." she responded.

"Lady, you’re crazy. You’re one crazy, chick." Johnny said fed up with this interrogation.

"You can’t tell me you didn’t hit my cart on purpose. Fonzie may get by with it, but you’re no Fonz. Hell, you’re not even a Ralph Mouth. Just so you know, I’m putting you on notice. If I see you do anything, I mean anything, that I think is inappropriate, I’m going to report you to the manager." With that said, she moved around Johnny and made her way down the aisle.

After the shock of what just happened had worn off, Johnny continued with his shopping. He was in a rush to finish and get back to the solace of his apartment.

Johnny was in the homestretch, the last row. Paper products were all that consumed the shelves. Paper plates, paper towels, trash bags and toilet paper were all that was left on his shopping list.

Stopping in front of the different brands of toilet paper, John had a decision to make. Did he want to skimp on this necessity or did he keep a certain part of his anatomy happy.

A Charmin commercial came to mind. Johnny picked up a package of the toilet paper and began to read.

"Hmmm, ‘squeezably soft it’s irresistible.’ well let’s just see if it lives up to it’s declaration." Johnny mumbled to himself.

He used both hands and gave the package of Charmin a squeeze.

"Not bad, but what’s the chance the next package will be as soft." Johnny reasoned.

He picked up another package and squeezed it. He repeated the process many times, losing count of the many packages he had squeezed. Little did he know, he was being watched.

The green-eyed she-witch had seen the unsuspecting Johnny, having too much fun, squeezing the Charmin. She reported to the manager that there was a pervert in his grocery store and demanded he take action against the dark haired fireman.

"Excuse me, Sir!" the store manager interrupted Johnny.

"Yes?" Johnny replied.

"May I ask, what are you doing?"

"I was just seeing if the ads are true. You know squeezably soft! I have to say, they’re right on the mark."

Clearing his throat the manager continued.

"Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. I’ve had a complaint about your earlier shenanigans and now this. So please…"

"What!?! Who’d report such a thing?" Just then, Johnny saw the once thought of beauty standing at the end of the aisle with a familiar smirk on her face.

"Sir, if you don’t leave now, I’ll be forced to ban you from my establishment."

"Ban! You can’t ban me for squeezing toilet paper!" Johnny exclaimed.

"If you’d squeezed one or two packages, no, I wouldn’t even consider banning you, but you’ve squeezed just about every package of toilet paper in the story." the manage pointed out.

"I was only trying to see if it was worth the extra money to buy Charmin instead of a less popular and cheaper brand." Johnny pleaded his case.

"I have no other choice but to ban you. Son, I think you need help. This toilet paper fetish you have is serious. When you have seen a doctor about your problem, and he helps you realize there is more to life than feeling up toilet paper, then, and only then, you will be welcome back into my store."

"But…."

Before Johnny was able to get more than a but out, the manager took hold of his arm and escorted him out the door where he was told that he was blacklisted from the Friendly Grocery.

Johnny stood outside in the pouring rain unable to comprehend what had just happened. He retreated back to his Land Rover, food-less, toilet paperless and banned.

The End

Thanks to Jean for the beta.