“Shawna, you need to fight. I can’t lose you.”  He told her as his voice cracked with emotion.  “I can’t believe those guys.”

    “N-not their f-f-fault.”

    “They were supposed to back you up.”

    “N-not their f-f-fault.”  She replied as she squeezed his hand.  “I’m t-the c-captain. B-blame me.”  She took a deep breath.  “N-not t-them.  Remember, I-I‘m an o-organ d-donor.”

    “Don’t you talk like that.  You’re going to make it.”

    “Rampart this is Squad 19.  We are coming in with a GSW (Gun Shot Wound) to the chest.  Vitals are BP 90/60, pulse is weak, and respirations are 10.  She has a GSW to the chest from a .357 Magnum.  She is conscious and going into shock.”

    “10-4 Squad 19.  Start and IV with D5W and Ringers Lactate.”  Dr. Jack Stevens responded.

    “Rampart, be advised that the patient is Captain Shawna Gage.”

    “10-4.  We’ll have an OR set up.”  He called for Dr. Alex Morgan to assist him.  He knew Shawna from his medical training and he was going to do his best to save her.  Meanwhile, Johnny was still holding her hand.

    “J-Johnny.”

    “Yes sweetheart.”

    “I l-love you.  Tell the k-kids that I l-love t-them t-too. S-sooo c-cold.” She squeezed his hand.

    “I love you too.  You just hang in there.  You hear me?  We’re almost at Rampart and they are going to fix you up.”  He told her and she saw a tear roll down his cheek.

    “N-not this t-time.  L-lost t-too m-much b-blood.  G-going into s-shock.  D-d-don’t c-cry.”  She told him as she saw a tear roll down his cheek.  The ambulance arrived at Rampart and Johnny walked as far as he could with her.  He kissed her on the lips before they took her to surgery and whispered ‘I’ll always love you’.

    “I’ll love you too.  R-remember to d-donate my o-organs.”  She told him in front of the doctors.  He let go of her hand and the paramedics from 19 offered to stay with him.

    “Johnny, is there someone that we can call for you?” Paramedic Chase Jones asked.

    “No thanks.  I’ve got to call the kids and Roy.”  Johnny pulled out his cell phone and called Brad.

    “Hello.”

    “Brad, it’s dad.”

    “Hi dad.  Is something wrong?”

    “Brad, your mom has been shot.  It’s bad.”

    “I’ll be on the next flight out.  We’ll call the others and let them know.”

    “OK.  Tell everyone to be careful.  Especially Katie.”

    “I will..  Who’s with you right now?”

    “The paramedics that arrived at the scene.  I’m going to call Roy as soon as I hang up with you.”

    “OK, we’ll get there as soon as we can.”

    “Bye son.”

    “Bye dad.”  Brad hung up the phone and said a small prayer.  “Dear Lord, Please let mom be OK.  I don’t know what we’ll do if she dies.  Please don’t take her right now.  Amen.”  He called the airport for a flight out and then started calling his brothers and sisters.  He talked to Katie’s husband, Cody who broke the news to Katie, and then they left San Francisco for the seven hour drive.  Meanwhile, back at the hospital, Jason and the other officers had arrived, so had some of the officers from the highway patrol, where Shawna had worked for a while before she and Johnny got married.  Johnny pulled out his cell phone and called Roy.

    “Hello, DeSoto residence.”

    “Roy, it’s Johnny.”

    “What’s wrong?”  Roy asked when he heard the tone in Johnny’s voice.

    “It’s Shawna.  She’s been shot..”

    “Are you at Rampart?”

    “Yes.”

    “Joanne and I are on the way.”

    “OK.”  Johnny hung up the phone and saw Jason with the others but he just couldn’t look at him.  Twenty minutes passed and more people arrived.  Roy and Joanne, Chet and his wife Susan, Mike and Sharon Stoker, Marco and Angela Lopez, and from the highway patrol - Lt. Jon Baker and his wife Shannon, Sgt. Frank Poncherello and his wife Casey, and Capt. Joe Getraer and his wife Betty.  Kelly and Dixie Brackett were visiting a friend when they saw Jason and he told them what happened.  While they were talking, Lt. Jim Reed and Lt. Pete Malloy walked into the ER.

    “You were supposed to be her back-up.”  Johnny told Jason as he walked over and slammed him against the wall.

    “Whoa Johnny.  Take it easy.”  Roy and Chet both grabbed him.

    “You were supposed to be watching her back..  What the hell happened Jason?”

    “She told the men to throw down their weapons that they were surrounded.  We had four guys covered and four weapons were thrown out.”

    “Then how in the hell did she get shot!”  He yelled at the young officer.

    “Come on Johnny back off.”  Jim told his friend.

    “We were going to handcuff them when the one guy suddenly pulled a gun and fired.  I fired right after she was hit and then everyone else returned fire.  Johnny we all thought that they were unarmed.”  He looked at Johnny and saw the anger in his eyes.  He’d always been able to talk to Shawna and Johnny when he couldn’t talk to his parents and tonight all of that changed.  “I’m sorry Johnny.”

    “I don’t want to hear I’m sorry.  She wasn’t even on duty.  She wasn’t wearing a vest so someone should’ve made her wait.“

    “I’m sorry Johnny.  I really am.  If I could I would switch places with her in a heartbeat.“  Jason remarked, then turned and walked away with his mother, Susan, and Joanne right behind him.

    “Johnny, you can’t blame them.”  Joe Getraer told him after Jason left the room.

    “Then who am I supposed to blame?  I already blame myself because I drove her to the track.  I could’ve said no, then she would be here with me, and we would be at home, having a fight but she would be with me.  I can’t blame her because she is lying on an operating table fighting for her life.  Forgive me if I sound selfish that I just want my wife here with me.”

    “You listen to me,” Joe replied, “I’ve known that woman for over 25 years and I guarantee you that the first words out of her mouth would be that she was the captain.  Shawna never asked anyone to take a risk that she wouldn’t take herself.  She’s hard headed and everyone in this room knows it.  But everyone here is saying a silent prayer that she pulls through this.”

    “I can’t lose her, Roy.”  He told his best friend as he leaned against the wall.  “I just can’t lose her.”

    “You listen to me.  Shawna is tough and if anyone can pull through this, she will.”

    “Roy’s right.”  Chet replied.  “How many times have we responded to a call where she’s been hurt and she would bounce right back and surprise all of us.”  Jason, Susan, and Joanne came back into to lounge to wait with the others.

    “You guys didn’t see her.  She told me that she wasn’t going to make it this time.  She had lost so much blood.  Oh, God please don’t take her from me and those grandkids.  Please.”  Time passed slowly for Johnny and the others.  They had arrived at the hospital almost two hours ago and everyone was pacing and sitting with Johnny in the waiting room.  Suddenly the door opened and in walked Dr. Stevens.

    “How is she doc?”  Johnny asked as he jumped to his feet.

    “I’m sorry Johnny but she didn’t make it.”

    “What do you mean she didn’t make it?”  He asked as he grabbed the doctor’s shirt.

    “Johnny, she had lost too much blood by the time she arrived here.  We did everything that we could.  I’m sorry but we couldn’t save her.”  You could hear the sound of sniffling as everyone wiped tears from their eyes.

    “Have you started taking her organs?”  He asked.

    “No.  We still have a few minutes.  We are keeping her alive with a ventilator until you can say good-bye.  Johnny, I’m really sorry.”

    “Johnny, do you want someone to go with you?”  Roy asked as he gently squeezed his shoulder.

    “No.  I’d just like a few minutes alone with her.”

    “OK.”  Johnny turned, looked at everyone in the room, held Jason’s gaze for a second or two, and then he and Jack walked out of the room leaving everyone in shock.  They had all seen Shawna get hurt before and pull through.  Now, their best friend and one of Los Angeles’ most respected police officers was dead.

    “I’ve got to get out of here.”  Jason told the crowd and then started for the door.

    “Jason, this isn’t your fault.”  Joe Getraer told the young officer.  "And it's not the others fault either.  It was an accident."

    “I’m sorry Capt. Getraer, but this is my fault.  I should’ve noticed what the guy was doing.  Johnny blames me and so will the rest of his family.  Right now I can’t say that I blame him.”  He pulled open the door and walked out with Chet and Susan right behind him.

    “Someone has to make him understand that this isn’t his fault.”  Dixie replied.

    “The only person that can do that is Johnny.”  Kelly Brackett replied.

    “And right now he blames Jason.”  Roy replied.

    “And himself.”  Jon Baker replied.

    “Why himself?”  Angela Lopez asked since she had been out of the room calling the babysitter to check on her grandkids and missed the conversation.

    “Because he was at the scene and couldn’t do anything..”  Pete Malloy answered.

    “I’m going to go up and see how he is.”  Roy told the group of people.

    “I’ll go with you.”  Marco responded.

    “Me too.”  Mike said.  The three men headed upstairs to give their friend the support that he would need.

    “Listen, I think that the best thing for the rest of us to do is call the kids and find out when they are going to be landing and pick them up at the airport.”  Kel told the others.

    “I’ll start making some calls.”  Joanne responded.

    “Me too.”  Dixie offered.  Both ladies started calling the kids to let them know that Shawna had passed away and that someone would be at the airport to pick them up when they arrived.  Meanwhile, Johnny was standing outside the OR door and he was having trouble going inside.

    “Johnny, do you want me to go in with you?”  Roy asked as he silently walked up.

    “I know that I need to say good-bye but how can I?  She was never supposed to die.  We were supposed to grow old together, watch the grandkids grow up and have kids.  And now..”

    “Now, you’ll watch the grandkids grow up and help keep her memory alive with them.  You’ll make sure that the younger ones always remember how much she loved them.  You need to go in and say good-bye to her.”

    “So they can come in and cut her up?”

    “Johnny, you know that’s not fair.  You and Shawna are both organ donors and you know that she wouldn’t want you to wait much longer.  We all know that they can’t keep her on the ventilator much longer and still use her organs.”

    “I know.  You’re right, I need to go ahead and let her go.  Giving her organs will give others a chance at life.”  Johnny opened the door, walked over to the operating table, and sat on the stool beside his beautiful wife.

    “Please give him the strength for this, Lord.”  Roy whispered after Johnny went into the operating room.

    “Oh Shawna.  I should’ve never listened to you tonight.  I should’ve drove on home and then you would still be with me.  We‘d be fighting but you‘d still be with me.”  He spoke softly as he held her left hand in his, rubbing her wedding ring, and stroking her long salt and pepper colored hair.  “We were supposed to grow old together, watch the grandkids grow up and have kids of their own.  How can I go on alone?”  He asked as tears gently rolled down his cheeks.

    “It’s OK Johnny.”  He looked up and saw Shawna standing there in front of him.  She looked so radiant, as if nothing had happened. Then he realized it was her spirit.

    “Shawna?”  He asked as he blinked and wiped the tears from his eyes.

    “Yes, it’s me Johnny.  I know that this is hard for you but you have to let me go.”  She told him as she looked deep into his big brown eyes.

    “I can’t.  I keep thinking that if I stay with you, you’ll wake up.”  He told her as he kept rubbing the wedding ring on her hand.

    “Sweetheart, you have to let me go.  They are waiting for my heart at UCLA.  My body might not be with you, but my heart will continue to beat.  And my other organs are going to help other people.”  She told him with a smile.

    “How do you know where your heart is going?”

    “I’m a spirit now.  I know things.  Johnny, my heart is going to a teacher.  My kidneys to two different teenagers in New York and Florida.  My liver is going to a firefighter in Colorado.  I might not be here with you and the others physically, but I will still live on in others.”  She told him as she walked around the table and gently touched his cheek.  He swore that he could feel her hand touching him.

    “I’ll always be with you and the others.  In here.”  She told him as she pointed to his heart.  “You and the others will help the younger kids remember me.  Let them know how much I loved them and that Gramma will always be with them.  Now, please let me go.”  She slowly disappeared as Roy walked into the room.

    “Johnny are you OK?”

    “Tell the doctor that they can come in now.”  He stood, gently kissed Shawna on the lips, slipped her rings off of her hand, took her St. Jude Medal off of her neck, whispered ‘I Love You’, and left.  Roy was standing at the door watching the torment that his best friend was going through.

    “Help him, Roy.”

    “What?”

    “What?”  Johnny asked.

    “You know that I’ll help you.”

    “I didn’t say anything.”

    “I’d swear that someone said…”

    “It was Shawna.”  Johnny replied as they walked out of the room and he saw Mike and Marco waiting.

    “What was Shawna?”  Marco asked.

    “Shawna spoke to Roy.”

    “What?”  They both asked.

    “Her spirit.  She spoke to Roy..  She spoke to me too.  Told me that I had to let her go that they needed her heart at UCLA.”

    “What did you just say?”  Dr. Stevens asked as he walked by.

    “I said that Shawna told me that her heart was going to UCLA.”  Jack turned pale as if he’d just seen a ghost.

    “No one is supposed…”

    “It’s OK, doc.  I’m not going to look for anyone.  Shawna told me that her organs were going to UCLA, Florida, New York and Colorado. I was supposed to go first, not her.”  He told his friends as he leaned against the wall and let the tears flow.  Meanwhile, downstairs, everyone else had dispersed and gone to the airport to pick up the kids as their flights arrived.  Roy, Mike, and Marco took Johnny back to his place and were met by their wives along with Kelly and Dixie Brackett.  “I just need to be alone right now.”  Johnny told everyone and went upstairs.  It was almost 3 a.m. when Jon and Shannon Baker arrived with Brad, Steve and Rick.

    “Where’s dad?”  Brad asked as they walked into the house.

    “He’s upstairs.  He said that he needed to be alone.”  Roy told the boys.  “We’re so sorry about your mom.”

    “What the hell happened tonight?”  Rick asked as he walked into the living room.

    “All we know is that they had just left a restaurant, she heard a call go out about shots being fired at the race track, and she responded.”  Brackett answered for the others.

    “What about back-up?  Didn’t she have back-up?”  Steve asked.

    “Of course she had back-up.  They all thought that the guys had thrown down their weapons and one of them pulled a gun and fired. Your dad did everything that he could out in the field.  He blames himself for taking her to the scene.” Brackett replied.  Meanwhile, Johnny was upstairs in their bedroom sitting by the window and holding Shawna’s rings in his hand.

    “You need to rest.”  He jumped when he heard the female voice and then he saw her smiling face.

    “I’m not tired Shawna.”

    “I know better.  You always tell me that when you are sitting in the window seat.  You need to get some rest because all of the kids will be here in a few hours.  Three of the boys are downstairs now.”

    “I guess that I need to…”

    “Go to sleep.”  She ordered.

    “I’m not tired.”  He argued.

    “Johnny, I know what’s going on.  You’re blaming yourself because you drove to the race track, you’re blaming the officers that were with me, especially Jason, and deep down inside, whether you want to admit it or not, you’re blaming me for answering the call.”  She looked at him for a moment to let her words sink in.  “Tell me I’m wrong, Johnny.  Tell me that everything I just said isn’t the truth and I’ll leave right now.  You tell me that John Roderick Gage.”

    “OK, you’re right. But I don’t blame you.”  He replied as the tears rolled down his cheeks again.  “We both knew going into this marriage that something could happen any day, but I wasn’t expecting this.”

    “I know. I wasn’t expecting this either.  But Johnny you can’t blame the other officers.  They did nothing wrong.”

    “They…”

    “Did everything by the book.  I wasn’t wearing a vest.  I should’ve waited but I didn’t.  Johnny, I lived a rich, wonderful life.  I helped to raise eight wonderful kids, watched almost all of my grandkids come into this world.  Been to places that a lot of people only dream about, and taken you and the kids with me at different times.”

    “Like Paris and Australia.”

    “Yes.  I flew F-16’s, bungee jumped, got everyone interested in skydiving, and married a remarkable man, who didn’t care that I was a cop.”

    “I always loved that fact that you made time for us and then when we got married, you made time for the kids.”

    “Johnny, those guys are young.  They still have a lot of living to do and Jason needs to know that you don’t blame him.  This is hurting him worse than the other officers because he is close to this family.  Please think about what I’m saying.  Now, close your eyes and get some rest.”  She told him as he stretched out on his side of the bed and closed his eyes.  “I’ll be here with you for a while.”

    “Promise?”

    “I promise. Right now you are the only one who can hear me unless I want someone else to hear me.  Now get some sleep.”  He put his arm over his eyes and then she heard him snore softly.  Once she was satisfied that he was asleep, she went downstairs to listen in on the others.

    “I want to know who her back-up was.”  Rick demanded.

    “Rick, we don’t know who was there with your mother.”  Kelly said loud enough that he hoped he didn’t wake up Johnny.

    “What good would that do us?”  They heard a female voice and turned to see Kelsey, Morgan, and Michelle walk in followed by Jon, Shannon, Ponch, and Casey.

    “Kelsey, Morgan, Michelle.  How are you three doing?”  Rick asked as he gave his sisters a hug.

    “You didn’t answer me, Rick.  What good would that do us knowing who was backing up mom?”  Kelsey asked as she wiped her eyes.

    “Because I want to see who failed to protect our mother last night.  I want to look those officers in the eye and tell them that they screwed up last night.”

    “Oh sweetheart no.”  Shawna whispered to herself.