+ + + + + + + + + +
Disclaimer: I confess, I can't help myself from shamelessly borrowing these wonderful characters from Mark VII Limited and Universal Television for my own weird motives. Thankfully, addiction to writing E! fic wasn’t listed in the DSM-IV as a psychiatric disorder the last time I looked. Whew!
Acknowledgements: Thanks to m.k., for generously providing medical advice beyond my wildest dreams. Your research, comments and suggestions were greatly appreciated. Also, to Patti, for helping me work out a few details, again.
Dedicated to: Audrey, who graciously took a probie writer under her wing. Muchas gracias for the continued inspiration and encouragement.
+ + + + + + + + + + + +
Johnny wistfully watched his partner's children play in the backyard as he helped Roy create a small vegetable garden for Joanne. As much as he enjoyed doting on the kids, lately he felt a peculiar sense of emptiness in his life. Several weeks ago, Johnny came to the realization he was nearly thirty years old, unmarried and had no children of his own. He found that knowledge oddly depressing.
His reverie was interrupted by Joanne's gentle voice. "Guys, are you about ready for a break? I made some sandwiches and a pitcher of iced tea."
Nodding enthusiastically, Johnny removed his work gloves. Sitting in one of the weather-beaten lawn chairs, he took a bite of his sandwich and his gaze drifted toward the squabbling children.
Joanne sighed in frustration. "Oh, good grief! What are they arguing about now?"
Her husband looked completely unconcerned. "Jenny accused Chris of sticking his tongue out at her."
"Well, did he?"
Roy shrugged his shoulders. "Does it really matter?"
"If he did, he should apologize!"
"Joanne, we can't get involved in every petty argument. They have to learn to work out some of their problems by themselves."
She wavered for a minute. "I guess." Joanne suddenly covered her mouth with her hand in a feeble attempt to stifle a giggle.
"What's so funny?" Roy asked.
"I was thinking about some of the ridiculous fights I had with my sister when we were teenagers. Our parents got so exasperated with us, they'd lock us in our bedroom until we would start talking to each other again."
"You're kidding!" Johnny exclaimed. "But you're so close. I can't imagine you two ever disagreeing about anything."
"Oh, no," Joanne confessed, "we fought about everything: boys, clothes, school, you name it. There were times when we truly agreed with each other, but we'd pretend to hate something to make the other one upset. It's a miracle we didn't drive our parents crazy."
"Uh huh, and now your kids have an opportunity to repay the favor," Johnny said.
Roy whispered, "Psst. Look over there." Chris wrapped his arm affectionately around Jenny as he pointed out a small frog in the flowerbed. She squealed with girlish glee. The crisis was over.
"Johnny, aren't you dying to start your own brood?" Joanne teased. "Surely moments like this must warm the heart of any bachelor."
Her comments startled him. Was she a psychic or something? "Maybe some day. I need to find a wife first."
"Heaven knows that certainly isn't due to a lack of effort on your part! What about that girl you've been dating...what's her name, Tina?"
The young man slumped in his seat. "Yeah, well, uh, we're not dating anymore. She's seeing a stockbroker who can afford to lavish more money on her than I can."
Immediately Joanne cursed herself for bringing up the subject. "Oh, Johnny! I'm sorry it didn't work out, but a girl like that didn't deserve you anyway." She hurriedly collected the empty paper plates. "Here, let me get these out of your way so you can get back to work."
Lingering in his chair, Johnny took another sip of his iced tea. "Roy, can I ask you a question?"
"Sure."
"How did you know Joanne would be the right woman for you? After all, you guys were teenagers when you starting dating."
Roy responded, "I honestly don't know. We always felt comfortable together."
This wasn't the answer Johnny was hoping for. "So a light bulb never went off in your head that said 'this is the one?'"
"Sorry to disappoint you, but no. It simply seemed right from the beginning."
"It figures."
Sensing his friend's pensive mood, Roy prompted, "What's wrong?"
"Roy, it's not that I don't want to get married and have kids of my own. But you know how disastrous my dating history is. Every time I start to like a girl, she dumps me. I feel like I'm doomed to be single."
Tracing his finger around the glass, Johnny continued. "I envy you sometimes. At the end of a rough day, there's no one to greet me at the front door with a big hug to reassure me everything is going to be okay. Or sometimes when a rescue goes sour and we lose someone, especially a child, I have nightmares for weeks. But when I wake up screaming or crying in the middle of the night, there isn't anyone on the other side of the bed to comfort me. By this point in my life I assumed I'd be happily married and have a couple of little Gages running loose. I figured I'd own a ranch-style house outside of town with a rail fence around the yard. On weekends, I'd take my family camping and fishing to my favorite haunts, and during the week I'd chauffeur the kids to piano lessons and baseball practice. Believe it or not, I was secretly looking forward to suffering through boring dance recitals and spelling bees."
Johnny took another swallow of his drink. "I feel like life is passing me by, and I'm afraid it's too late to change my fate."
The older man rubbed his chin. "Johnny, it's never too late. Maybe you're a late bloomer."
Embarrassed by his uncharacteristic personal revelation, Johnny pasted a grin on his face. "Speaking of blooming, let's get back to work so we can finish Joanne's vegetable garden." He donned the work gloves and tried to pretend the conversation never happened.
+ + + + + + + + + + + +
After the children were in bed for the evening, Roy turned the television set off and motioned for Joanne to sit beside him on the well-worn sofa.
Roy was perplexed. "I don't understand why he never said anything before. He's always played the role of adoring uncle to Chris and Jenny. It never occurred to me he was serious about settling down and starting a family of his own."
"Honey, he usually acts like such an overeager puppy we tend to forget he's a grown man and not another one of the kids," Joanne offered.
"I suppose you're right. I never realized any of this bothered him until today. You know how Johnny is. He'll talk your ears off about the most trivial things, but he almost never reveals his true thoughts and feelings."
She rested her head against his chest. "I know. Now I feel horrible about kidding him earlier. He always seemed to take it in stride before."
"I wonder what brought about this change?" Roy mused.
+ + + + + + + + + + + +
Marco was vigorously buffing a spot on the engine while Johnny mopped the vehicle bay. He waved the chamois cloth to attract his coworker's attention. "Hey, Johnny. Do you have any big plans for the weekend?"
Johnny snorted. "Nope. I might as well join a monastery the way my luck has been going."
"Yeah, I know what you mean. I'm almost desperate enough to let my abuelita fix me up with someone."
"Oh, Marco, don't do that!" Johnny shivered at his own memory of a Lopez family gathering.
Marco sadly shook his head. "I'm lonely and I figure going out with somebody is better than going out with nobody, right?"
The paramedic considered his shift-mate's predicament. "Do you want to go bowling or something with me on Saturday? You know, just us single guys. No pressures, no expectations. Heck, you don't even have to give me a good night kiss or promise to call me back," Johnny added with an impish grin.
"Well, you are better looking than some of the blind dates Tia Blanca has arranged," Marco joked as he stroked his mustache.
"Great! So do we have a deal?"
The other man paused thoughtfully. "Can we invite Mike? He's going through a rough time and could use some company."
"Gee, he's always so quiet," Johnny replied. "I wouldn't know what to talk about."
"You have more in common that you realize. Please ask him."
"Okay, but do you think Los Angeles is ready for three guys from Station 51 on the loose?"
"Why not? They trust us with their lives and property every day. Surely they can trust us at a bowling alley for a few hours," Marco opined.
Johnny shrugged his shoulders. He couldn't argue with that logic.
+ + + + + + + + + + + +
Marco's predictions proved correct, and the trio enjoyed a pleasant evening. The normally reserved engineer was more relaxed and talkative than he was at the station, and Johnny learned he possessed a quirky sense of humor. Unfortunately, he also became privy to a sad secret. Mike and his wife had been separated for several months, and he couldn't bring himself to take the final step and file for divorce. That's why Marco was so insistent that Mike be included. Their friend and colleague needed a diversion to lighten his mood. His coworkers even deliberately bowled the worst game of their lives in order to bolster Mike's sagging ego.
Johnny appeared flustered as he tallied the scores. "Man, I don't recall having that many beers!"
"Oh, I remember the object of the game!" Marco said excitedly. "Whoever scores the lowest wins."
"I don't think so," Mike interjected. "Clearly my superior technique was no match for your amateurish attempts."
"Maybe you need another beer to lose that competitive edge," Johnny shot back.
The men laughed uncontrollably for several minutes. Finally, Mike spoke up. "Guys, thanks for asking me to join you tonight. I had a great time. I almost don't want the evening to end."
Marco's eyes lit up. "Hey, I have a great idea. My Uncle Luis has a cabin in the San Bernardino Mountains near Big Bear Lake. I'm sure he'll let us borrow it. We could spend an entire weekend barbequing, drinking and talking and stuff."
"That would be great. How soon would you be able to find out?" Johnny asked.
"I'll give him a call first thing in the morning."
Mike was visibly thrilled at the prospect. "Okay, but if he says yes, I'm bringing my own 'liquid refreshments.' I don't want you bringing any liquor that has a worm at the bottom of the bottle."
+ + + + + + + + + + + +
It was almost inconceivable to comprehend the weekend was almost at a close. Johnny never realized how much in common he had with these men. He was embarrassed he had never taken the time to get to know his shift-mates on a personal level. The thought occurred to him he might have missed out on other meaningful relationships over the years because he had become complacent. Johnny lazily turned the steaks on the grill, savoring the aroma and enjoying the distinct sizzling sound.
Mike and Marco busied themselves preparing the rest of the meal. It would be their last one at the cabin, and they wanted to make it special. The past two days were a catharsis for the men. They were able to share secrets, dreams and experiences they did not feel comfortable discussing with another living soul. Intuitively, they sensed once they returned to civilization the familiar inhibitions would return, but for now they basked in the glow of their newfound brotherhood.
Pronouncing the steaks done, Johnny removed the masterpieces from the grill and placed them prominently on the table before an appreciative audience. Marco said a brief prayer in Spanish before the men attacked the hearty repast.
"I can't believe we have to head back tonight," groaned Mike. "It's too bad we can't stay here a few more days."
Johnny agreed. "Yeah, but the bills aren't going to pay themselves."
"You know what I've enjoyed the most?" Marco said. "I haven't felt lonely. Lately I've felt like everyone in the world has a special someone but me. You know I must feel my circumstances look pretty bleak when I start to consider letting my abuelita arrange dates for me."
"You'd actually let your grandmother pick your dates for you?" Mike was completely aghast.
"It's not like I'm having any better luck on my own. Besides, my family is old-fashioned, so it's fairly common. But she's more accustomed to performing this service for people half my age, so it is a bit humiliating in that respect."
Mostly for his own benefit, Johnny inquired, "After being single for so many years, why are you interested in settling down now?"
Marco pushed the lumps of potato salad around on his plate. "One day I realized I was the only one of my brothers and sisters who isn't married. Over the years they've had large families, and I've always been the dutiful uncle and godfather. But my oldest nephew is almost eleven years old. He's half grown, and I haven't even started on my own family. I feel like my chances of happiness are slipping away. I'm afraid if I don't do something now, I'll never have a chance to spend my golden years bouncing fat, happy grandbabies on my lap."
The normally quiet engineer cleared his throat. "I gave up on dreams a long time ago."
Intrigued, Johnny prompted, "What was your first big dream, Mike?"
"My first? I wanted to be a big rock star!"
The Hispanic man nearly choked on his beer. "You? I hardly hear you speak an entire sentence at the station. I can't imagine you singing in front of a bunch of crazed fans!"
Mike grinned roguishly. "Seriously. I used to have a garage band when I was a teenager. The neighborhood chicks stuck to me like glue. I wanted to be rich and famous and tour the world with my groupies."
Incredulous, Johnny asked, "So what happened?"
"Well, money got pretty tight, and being the oldest, I felt I should do something to help the family out. I didn't have any job skills, so I decided to join the service. I was barely eighteen and the country was still shipping boys to Nam, so I figured if I joined the Air Force I'd be less likely to be sent overseas."
"Did your theory work out?"
"Yeah, I spent my entire enlistment stateside." Mike thoughtfully took a swig of his beer. "While I was stationed at Edwards AFB, I fell in love for the first time. She was the most amazing woman I'd ever met in my life. Naomi was outgoing, witty, charming and she made me feel like I was the center of the universe. Within six months we were engaged."
Marco felt uneasy as to where this conversation was headed. "What happened?"
"Naomi was Jewish, and our parents went absolutely nuts. They convinced us we could never be happy together because of our different backgrounds, and being so young and naïve, we gave in. Not a day goes by that I don't wonder what life would have been like if we had married anyway. Would we have made a happy couple? Would we still be together? What if we had given it more time, would our parents have come around eventually? All these years later, the same questions still haunt me. Now I'm in a state of limbo. I'm married to someone else, but she's living with another man."
"Oh, Mike. I didn't know. I'm so sorry to hear that," Johnny empathized.
"No one does," Mike admitted. "I'm so embarrassed. A few months ago she announced she was in love with some guy she met. While I was at work, she had the audacity to bring him to our home and make love to him in our bed. In my heart I know my marriage is over, but I can't face the unpleasant reality of making an appointment with a lawyer. I guess I don't want to admit I've failed twice in matters of the heart."
Johnny reflected on his own growing doubts and fears. "We're a pretty pitiful sight, huh? Here we are, three grown men who are afraid life has passed them by."
"To los tres hermanos!" Marco tiredly proclaimed as he lifted his beer bottle.
Mike was confused. "What does that mean?"
"It means, to 'the three brothers.'"
The clinking of bottles augmented the weak chorus of "amens."
+ + + + + + + + + + + +
Johnny was sitting next to his locker, changing into his street clothes when Roy wandered over to his partner. "At the risk of restarting the infamous spaghetti war, would you like to come over for dinner on Saturday night? Joanne and the kids haven't seen you in a while."
The younger man hesitated. "I'd love to, but I already have plans for Saturday. How about Sunday?"
"Why not Saturday?"
"I'm sorry, but I'm going somewhere with Marco and Mike."
"Oh." Roy’s disappointment was palpable. "You sure are spending a lot of time with them lately."
"Are you jealous?" Johnny lightly teased.
"No, why should I be? I guess I don't understand the sudden interest. You've worked with these men for years and never socialized with either of them. Now you're acting like best buds."
"I'm finally getting to know them. I didn't realize we had anything in common before. It's nice to be able to discuss single guy stuff for a change."
"I didn't know there were certain things you didn't feel comfortable talking to me about." The hurt in Roy's voice was evident.
Johnny immediately regretted his choice of words. "Roy, I didn't mean for that to sound the way it did. Besides, do you actually want to know the intimate details of what goes on in my den of iniquity? For example, I was thinking about installing a mirror above my bed..."
The other man began to blush. "You're absolutely right. I don't need to hear about this. Sunday is fine."
+ + + + + + + + + + + +
During the next shift, the station was called out to a familiar rescue location. Every fall, a group of football players initiated new team players by making them spray paint the team's name below the bridge spanning a drainage ditch. Predictably, one of the youngsters would lose his footing on the precarious surface and fall into the murky water below.
Unfortunately, this year's initiate struck his leg on a concrete support beam prior to hitting the water. After securing the lines, Johnny lowered himself down to the victim. The young man was extremely agitated.
"Hey, buddy. My name's Johnny, and I'm going to get you out of here, okay?"
The response was a frantic nod.
"What's your name, son?"
"Kyle."
"Okay, Kyle. Take it easy. We'll have you out of here in no time." As Johnny made his approach, the teenager abruptly panicked and latched onto the hapless paramedic. Johnny felt himself being pulled under the dark, cold water. He tried to release himself from Kyle's grasp, but he was hindered by his desire not to further injure his victim. He tried to hold his breath, but during the struggle to free himself, he reflexively inhaled.
Immediately seeing his partner's distress, Roy lowered himself to the melee below. By the time he reached the men, Johnny resurfaced, albeit frantically coughing and sputtering.
"Johnny, are you okay?" Roy asked worriedly.
"Yeah," he coughed. "I just took in a little water. I'm fine. Let's finish up here and get topside."
Roy regarded his partner warily. "Are you sure you're up to this?"
"I'll feel a lot better after a hot cup of coffee and a change of clothes, but I'm okay."
The two men went to work, and several minutes later the victim was safely splinted and bundled in the ambulance on his way to Rampart. Captain Stanley ordered Johnny to ride in to be checked out. Years of experience taught him his younger paramedic tended to loosely interpret the definition of the word "fine." Roy watched his sullen partner with amusement. No doubt he was trying to figure out a way to escape his dilemma.
+ + + + + + + + + + + +
Upon their arrival at Rampart, Dixie directed the gurney toward Treatment Room 3. Johnny started to assist his partner in transferring their victim to his intended destination, but Dr. Morton quickly apprehended him.
"Where do you think you're going?" he demanded.
"I, uh..."
Dr. Morton firmly grabbed Johnny by the arm and guided him into another room. "In case you weren't paying attention, you were called in as the second victim. I understand you inhaled some water?"
"Doc, I'm fine..."
"Gage, let me be the judge of that. Now hop up here and sit down."
Johnny grudgingly seated himself on the table and sulked while he underwent a thorough exam.
The intern's brow furrowed. "Hmm. You'll need a chest x-ray and some blood work, including blood gases."
"What?"
"I'll probably want to keep you here overnight for observation."
"What?" Johnny repeated.
"Gage, you need to improve on expanding your vocabulary. I'll send Carol in to get things started. In the meantime, you need to change out of your wet clothes into a dry hospital gown before you succumb to hypothermia or some other malady." On that note, Dr. Morton hastily scribbled his orders and made his retreat.
The paramedic rolled his eyes. "Oh, man! I don't believe this!"
"Don't believe what?" Roy asked as he tentatively entered the room.
"Dr. Personality is threatening to hold me hostage until tomorrow morning."
"You did inhale some water from that drainage ditch. I'm sure he wants to play it safe and keep an eye on you for a few hours to make sure you don't have any complications."
The reluctant patient was not pacified. "Whose side are you on anyway?" Johnny grumbled. No matter how many times Johnny graced the premises of Rampart as a patient, he had yet to learn how to be a cooperative one.
Roy fumbled with the HT in his hand. "I guess I need to call Cap so he can call in a replacement for you."
A dejected Johnny stared at the hospital gown Dr. Morton placed at the foot of the exam table. "Do you need any help with that?" Roy offered.
Johnny erupted into a violent fit of coughing. He waved off Roy's attentions. "I'm okay," he rasped.
"Yeah, you sound perfectly fine. And you wonder why you're being kept for observation." Roy shot his partner a look of utter exasperation. "Here, let's get you changed before x-ray arrives. It's freezing in here."
"You're a pest, Roy."
"So are you, Johnny."
+ + + + + + + + + + + +
The next morning Johnny waited impatiently for anyone to discharge him. Shortly before seven o'clock, Dr. Brackett breezed through the door. "I see you survived the night," he said.
The paramedic almost melted with relief. "Yes, and I'm ready to go home."
"You wouldn't mind if I get a second opinion on that, would you?" Dr. Brackett questioned as he retrieved his stethoscope from his lab coat.
Resigned to the inevitable, Johnny acquiesced to the exam. He breathed and coughed and submitted to having his vital signs checked. Heck, he would have been willing to paint himself blue and run down the hall in his birthday suit if it meant getting out of here. Okay, he might want to examine the good doctor's credentials a little closer, but still, if it meant freedom from this fine institution, he would consider a few unconventional options.
"Well, if you were going to develop any secondary pulmonary edema from inhaling water yesterday, we would have seen something by now."
Johnny was almost afraid to ask. "Does that mean you're releasing me?"
Dr. Brackett clutched the chart against his chest. "Yes, but I want to see you before you report back to work. When is your next shift?"
"Thursday."
"Fine, come see me Wednesday afternoon and I'll determine your work status then."
The young man automatically started whining. "But Doc..."
"If you prefer, I could keep you here through Wednesday," Dr. Brackett said menacingly.
"No, no, that's not necessary!"
"I thought so. I'll finish writing your discharge orders, and I'll see you Wednesday about three."
"I'm already looking forward to it," Johnny mumbled.
+ + + + + + + + + + + +
Cough, cough, cough.
The irritating sound almost drowned out the soft knock at his apartment door. With great effort, Johnny lifted himself off the couch to see who would dare intrude upon his wretchedness.
"Roy, what are you doing here?"
"I was on my way back from the hardware store and I thought I'd drop by." Taking in his partner's disheveled appearance, he ventured to ask, "How are you doing?"
Johnny covered his mouth with a tissue and began coughing again. "I'm okay. I have a little congestion."
"You sound awful," Roy commented. "Have you seen a doctor about this?"
"I have an appointment to see Dr. Brackett tomorrow. In the meantime I've been using steam to loosen things up. That seems to help a little."
Roy couldn't suppress his professional mode. His hand automatically reached for Johnny's forehead. "You're running a bit of a fever. Are you taking anything for it?"
"Yes, Mom," Johnny said with mock annoyance.
Undeterred, the senior paramedic continued. "I assume you're drinking plenty of fluids?"
"Yesssss!"
"Do you need a ride to your appointment tomorrow? I'm off, and I'd be more than happy to..."
"Don't take this the wrong way," Johnny pleaded, "but it's not necessary. I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself."
Roy chuckled. "You'll have to forgive me, but you don't exactly possess an exemplary reputation in that respect."
"Are you afraid I'll conveniently forget to keep my appointment or something?"
"The thought had crossed my mind."
The sick man relented. "Okay, but I'm only agreeing to this to make you happy. Are you satisfied?"
Roy grinned from ear-to-ear. "Very."
+ + + + + + + + + + + +
A miserable John Gage sat on the exam table in the dreaded treatment room. Two days ago he hoped this visit would provide him with a release to return to work. Now he would settle for a miracle drug to help him shake the annoying cough and congestion in his lungs. As he inhaled the cool air of the emergency room, it provoked a prolonged coughing attack. Johnny instinctively braced his ribs with his arms.
Dr. Brackett winced. "That's a wicked sounding cough. How long have you had it?"
Johnny gasped, "Off and on since I fell in the water, but it's been like this since yesterday."
"Your temp's a little elevated. Are you having any other symptoms? Headache, sore throat, earache?"
"No, just the cough."
The emergency room physician listened intently to Johnny's lungs. His mouth twitched at his findings. "Johnny, we need to get a chest x-ray, a CBC and a blood gas on you. It sounds like you may have pneumonia."
Normally he would offer a token protest at the medical procedures about to be inflicted upon him, but he felt too sick to care. Instead, he simply nodded.
An hour later Johnny was awakened by a gentle nudge. Surprisingly, he had fallen asleep while waiting for his test results. He was tangled up in a sheet and his arm was draped over his eyes.
"Johnny, wake up," Dr. Brackett encouraged. "Your results are back."
He sleepily rubbed his eyes and stretched his arms over his head. "So what's the verdict, Doc?"
"You definitely have pneumonia."
"Crap. Does this mean I have to be admitted?"
Dr. Brackett smiled. "No, not unless you're volunteering to be our guest. I think we caught this early enough that it can be treated with oral antibiotics on an outpatient basis."
The reaction from the exam bed was instantaneous. Johnny positively beamed with excitement. "No kidding? You mean I can go?"
"You will, of course, have to come in for a follow up visit in a week, or sooner if you have any worsening of symptoms in the interim."
"Yeah, yeah. I promise. Can I go now?"
The physician was amused. "You do realize that you need to have your prescription filled and I need to sign off on your paperwork first. What's your hurry?"
Johnny guiltily confessed, "I'm afraid you'll change your mind and I want to be safely down the road before you do."
+ + + + + + + + + + + +
Johnny surveyed the pictures scattered throughout his apartment. A few were of his family from Montana, but most were of Roy's family. They filled the built-in shelves on one wall. There were photographs of Jenny in a frilly pink tutu, Chris in his first Little League uniform, the children dressed in their Halloween costumes, the entire family on vacation in Disneyland, annual school pictures and candid shots from various places they had visited over the years. There were no images of Johnny's wife or children. Suddenly, the overcrowded shelves reminded him of the emptiness in his own life.
Overcome by a coughing fit, Johnny sat down in his recliner. He wondered what it would feel like to have a devoted wife fussing over him when he was sick, administering her own special TLC on occasions like this. Sure, he knew he could always depend on Roy or Joanne to provide anything he needed, but it wasn't the same.
He didn't understand what was happening to him. Until a couple of months ago, he never questioned the choices he made and he thought he was happy. Now he wasn't so sure any more. What would have happened if he stayed in Montana and made a life for himself there? Would he have married and had children? Could they have been more accepted than he had been?
What if he was looking for the wrong qualities in the women he dated? Had the right one been under his nose before and he let her slip through his fingers? What if that chance never came around again?
Besides, who would want to be married to him anyway? It seemed he was frequently injured or ill. Who would possibly want to play nursemaid to him?
On that depressing thought, he heard a loud knock at the door. Johnny was pleasantly surprised to see Mike and Marco standing outside.
"Hey! Come on in."
"Roy said you were sick, so we brought you a couple of home remedies," Mike explained.
"Yeah," added Marco. "My abuelita said the tortilla soup would help with the congestion, and no self-respecting germ would dare show its face after so much as smelling the strength of her homegrown jalapeño peppers."
"It smells wonderful!" Johnny smiled as he looked at the size of the pot. Marco's grandmother was accustomed to cooking for a large family, and even with his legendary appetite, there was no way he would ever be able to eat every last drop. "Guys, why don't you grab a bowl and join me? I have some sodas in the fridge."
Marco snickered. "Ah, Johnny, are you used to eating jalapeños?"
"Uh, no."
"Well, unless you have some cervezas, I mean, beers, it's best not to drink carbonated beverages with spicy foods unless you're used to it. It's like pouring salt on an open wound."
Johnny rummaged through his sparsely supplied refrigerator. "We're in luck!" He triumphantly held up a six-pack of Budweisers.
Ever the voice of reason, Mike reminded them, "Johnny's on antibiotics. Maybe alcohol isn't a great idea."
"Man, I completely forgot about that!" Johnny said as he slapped his forehead. "I'll make some iced tea."
"You better get well, Johnny, because this cure cost me big time," Marco warned.
"How so?"
The engineer chortled. "He agreed to let his grandmother fix him up with a date in exchange for making the soup and tortillas!"
"Marco, you're crazy! What were you thinking?" Johnny exclaimed.
"Well, I thought I'd try it once. I had a weak moment and thought a bad date was better than no date. Anyway, my sister knows this girl, and supposedly she's pretty nice."
"I don't know Marco. Does your grandmother make any special soups for people who get sick in the head?"
"If she does, I think the three of us need a few bowls," Marco joked.
+ + + + + + + + + + + +
The pain in Johnny's chest was becoming increasingly uncomfortable. He assumed it was from the persistent coughing and hacking from the pneumonia, so he spent a considerable part of the day either taking hot showers or improvising with his homemade vaporizer, namely holding his head over a steaming pan of hot water. He tried drinking hot tea with lemon, and even accepted his landlady's offer of her special hot toddy. Nothing seemed to be working.
Then, attributing the discomfort to muscle soreness, he curled up on the couch with a hot water bottle and watched several daytime game shows. He found he could breathe easier if he propped himself up with several pillows.
Johnny continued to take his antibiotics, and hoped either the medicine or his efforts would start to make him feel better soon. Finding little relief, he fell into a restless sleep while sitting on the couch.
+ + + + + + + + + + + +
The next morning, Johnny's chest pain became unbearable. He was no longer convinced this was muscle soreness from the coughing or congestion from the pneumonia. For the first time, he thought he might be experiencing a heart attack. He frantically called the station and waited for help to arrive.
After what seemed like an eternity, Johnny heard the paramedics enter his apartment. In reality, only eight minutes had elapsed since he spoke to Roy, but they were an agonizingly long eight minutes from his perspective.
Gabriel Martinez, Roy's temporary partner, set up the biophone on the coffee table. Johnny was sitting on the couch, clutching at his chest and struggling to breathe.
"Okay, let's go over this again. When did the pain start?" Roy asked.
"I've been having some chest pain since yesterday, but I thought it was due to the coughing from the pneumonia. A couple of hours ago I developed this incredible pain in the middle of my chest."
"Does it hurt anywhere else?"
"Yeah, it radiates to my left shoulder a little. Lying down or moving makes it worse. If I sit up and lean forward it's almost tolerable," Johnny clarified.
"Are you having any other symptoms?"
"I've felt feverish, and breathing has been a challenge."
Roy unfurled the familiar green tubing. "Johnny, you're always a challenge. Let's give you a little help while we get started." Ignoring Johnny's irritated expression, the paramedic placed the oxygen mask over his partner's face and adjusted the flow. He quickly obtained the requisite vital signs and carefully listened to Johnny's heart and lungs. Reaching for the biophone, he prepared to report his findings to Rampart.
"Rampart, this is Squad 51, how do you read?"
Dr. Early's deep, resonant voice answered. "51, Go ahead."
"Rampart, we have a 29-year-old male complaining of chest pain radiating to his left shoulder. Pain is worse when recumbent, but improves when he is in a vertical position and leaning forward. Victim is currently taking oral antibiotics for treatment of pneumonia. There is moderate congestion and rales bilaterally. Vital signs are as follows: BP is 132/80, pulse 110, respirations 24 and temp is 100.6. Auscultation reveals muffled heart sounds." Roy paused for a second before continuing his message. "Rampart, please be advised the victim is John Gage."
Dr. Early was clearly startled by this turn of events. "Understood, 51. Start an IV of D5W TKO and send us a strip," the physician instructed.
"10-4, Rampart, this will be lead 2." Roy applied the cold electrodes to the chest of their apprehensive patient while Gabriel efficiently started the ordered IV. Placing the receiver in the cradle, the senior paramedic transmitted the EKG to Rampart's base station.
Once the transmission was complete, Roy awaited further orders. Finally, the biophone crackled to back to life as Rampart responded. "Squad 51, is the ambulance on the scene?"
Roy glanced over his shoulder. "That's affirmative Rampart."
"51, transport the victim in an incline position and get him here as soon as possible. Continue to monitor vital signs en route and contact us with an update at least every five minutes."
"10-4 Rampart, 51 out."
"Okay, Johnny, we're going to get you loaded up and chauffeured to your favorite hotel. How are you doing?"
Johnny anxiously grasped his friend's arm. His dark eyes reflected absolute panic.
+ + + + + + + + + + + +
As soon as Johnny was wheeled into Treatment Room 2, a flurry of activity ensued. He was immediately hooked up to a heart monitor and transferred to the hospital's supply of oxygen while Dr. Early began his exam. The physician's expression was serious.
"Dixie, he needs a portable chest x-ray, CBC, chem, sed rate, blood culture, CPK, SGOT, LDH and an ABG. I also want Noam Weiss from Cardiology down here STAT."
Sensing his patient's mounting agitation, Dr. Early addressed his patient. "Johnny, we're going to run some tests to rule out a few things. I'm hearing a friction rub when I listen to your heart, which is typical of pericarditis."
"How did I get this?" Johnny asked.
"It can be a rare complication of pneumonia. But because of the chest pain and shortness of breath, we want to rule out the possibility of a heart attack or other cardiac problems. Considering your age and health, I don't think this is the case. I believe pericarditis or another condition is more likely. We'll know more as soon as the test results start coming in. I'm also going to have Dr. Weiss evaluate you."
Johnny numbly nodded. The situation seemed so surreal. Although he had been brought to Rampart many times for various illness and injuries, for the first time he was afraid he was going to die with unfinished business. Roy must have sensed his desperation because he quietly slipped his hand into his partner's. Johnny held onto it as though it was his one and only lifeline. He became noticeably upset when they needed to be separated while the chest x-ray was taken.
When the technician completed his task, Roy resumed his position at his partner's side. Finally the test results were back. Dr. Early returned to the treatment room with another physician in tow.
Dr. Early was the first to speak. "Johnny, your chest x-ray shows an enlargement of your heart due to the fluid build up around it. The EKG changes are typical of pericarditis."
The frightened patient attempted to find his voice. "So what do you do about it?"
Nodding toward the physician with the imposing bearing, Dr. Early answered, "I've asked Dr. Noam Weiss to assume the management of your care. He's a cardiologist on staff at Rampart."
Dr. Weiss firmly shook Johnny's hand in greeting. Actually, Johnny was so nervous his hand shook on its own. "Mr. Gage, I've already studied your test results, but I need to listen to your heart myself."
Johnny mutely nodded his assent.
"Great, can you lean forward a little?" Supporting his patient's back with one hand, the doctor placed his stethoscope on Johnny's chest and listened closely.
Satisfied with his findings, he turned toward Dixie. "Notify the cath lab we have a customer on his way."
"What are you going to do to me?" Johnny asked fearfully.
The cardiologist sought to reassure his distraught patient. "I'm going to perform a procedure called a pericardiocentesis. We're going to take you to the cath lab and insert a catheter to drain the excess fluid from your heart. You'll be sedated, but awake during the procedure."
Allowing Johnny an opportunity to absorb this information, he continued. "I'm also going to prescribe an anti-inflammatory to help treat the irritation that is causing the fluid to accumulate, medication for your pain, and a strong antibiotic to combat the infection in the pericardial space as well as your lungs."
After the initial shock wore off, Johnny posed the question, "So assuming everything goes okay, what kind of recovery time am I looking at?"
"Usually recovery takes about a month, however some of my patients needed two or three months to get back on their feet. People with recurrences tend to have longer recoveries."
"You mean I could develop this fluid build up again?"
Dr. Weiss folded his arms. "Mr. Gage, your symptoms should improve shortly after the procedure. If complications arise, we'll address them as they occur."
Given his propensity for developing unexpected problems, Johnny had a bad feeling about this illness.
+ + + + + + + + + + + +
Johnny wasn't sure if he was shivering due to the chilly temperature of the room or the thought of what the cardiologist was about to do to him. He concentrated on trying to remain calm.
"Mr. Gage, there's no need to be nervous about this procedure. You may experience some slight discomfort from the local anesthetic, but it should pale by comparison to what you're feeling right now," Dr. Weiss informed him. "Even so, we're going to give you something to help you relax."
"Yes, that would be great!" Johnny thought.
He felt the unmistakable sensation of medication entering his arm. Within a few seconds, his eyelids started to feel heavier. He languidly watched the masked and gowned doctor set about his task.
"Okay, Mr. Gage. "I'm going to inject a local anesthetic and then I'm going to make a small incision before I insert the catheter. Do you have any questions so far?"
"Yeah," Johnny asked, "is it over?"
Dr. Weiss was amused by his patient's ability to maintain a sense of humor during an obviously stressful time. "No, but it will be shortly."
Several minutes later the cardiologist successfully inserted the catheter and drained a significant amount of fluid. He tried to rouse Johnny to a higher level of alertness.
"Mr. Gage?"
"Huh?"
"Mr. Gage, are you with us?"
Johnny struggled to clear the cobwebs from his fuzzy brain. "Yeah, I'm still here."
Dr. Weiss sat down on the stool beside the treatment table. "I removed a large amount of fluid from the pericardial space, which I'm sending to the lab for analysis and culture. I'm going to leave the catheter in place for another day or two to make sure there is no reaccumulation of fluid. I'll remove the catheter when I'm satisfied there has been no drainage for at least twenty-four hours. From here, you'll go to the ICU so we can keep a close eye on you for a few days."
By this point, Johnny was rapidly losing his battle to remain conscious. Dr. Weiss gently squeezed his patient's shoulder. "Get some rest. I'll see you later."
+ + + + + + + + + + + +
Shortly before visiting hours ended, Roy entered his friend's partitioned cubicle. "Are you feeling any better?"
Mustering a half-hearted smile, Johnny responded, "I'm all right."
Roy frowned. The young man's words were not congruent with his demeanor. He appeared strangely despondent. "Are you sure? You don't sound like yourself."
"No, I suppose not. My heart aches."
Instantly alarmed, Roy replied, "Do you need for me to call a nurse?"
"No, it's not that kind of pain."
"I don't understand."
Johnny sighed heavily. "I'm afraid I'm going to die and my life won't have mattered."
"Johnny..."
"Roy, I've enjoyed being part of your family all these years, but I can't help but be a little jealous. I feel like I screwed up somewhere and squandered my chance for happiness."
"Stop it, Johnny!" Roy admonished. "You're scaring me. You sound like you're giving up."
"How many times am I going to be allowed to cheat death?" Johnny said in a melancholic voice. "For some weird reason I feel a void I can't explain. I keep thinking if I had lived my life differently I would be at peace right now."
"Johnny, you're not going to die."
"You don't know that. As many times as I've been a patient here, I've never felt this scared and alone before."
Roy sincerely wished he could think of the right words to uplift his partner. Instead, they simply sat and stared into space for the remainder of their allocated time together.
+ + + + + + + + + + + +
Four days later, the afternoon nurse noticed Johnny's heart rate had increased and he was struggling to breathe despite the continuous flow of oxygen. She quickly checked his blood pressure and was dismayed at her findings. Dr. Weiss was immediately paged.
Soon the bespectacled doctor raced into the room. "What's his status, Yvonne?"
She hastily replied, "His blood pressure is still dropping. It's down to 76/50 and his pulse is 126. Respirations are 42. He's really working hard to breathe."
The cardiologist sighed. "Damn it, we only pulled the catheter out yesterday." He quickly listened to Johnny's chest. "He's in cardiac tamponade. We need to tap him."
Yvonne assembled the necessary supplies and set them on the bedside table. Dr. Weiss inserted the long needle just below Johnny's breastbone and began withdrawing fluid from the pericardial space. His patient began to stir slightly.
"It's okay," the nurse soothed. "You're going to be feeling better in a few minutes."
Dr. Weiss set the syringe down on the draped sterile tray. "This needs to go to pathology. What are his vital signs now?"
"His BP is up to 105/78, pulse is 94 and respiratory rate has decreased to 28."
"Good. We need to get him up to surgery and do a pericardial window STAT. I don't want any more surprises."
Picking up the phone, Yvonne began making the necessary arrangements.
Dr. Weiss tried to rouse his patient. "Mr. Gage? We're going to take you to surgery to create an opening to allow the fluid to drain better. Do you understand?"
Johnny was too disoriented to comprehend the doctor's words. He merely wanted the pain to go away. He was vaguely aware of being transferred to a gurney and moving down hospital corridors. At some point, everything mercifully went blank.
+ + + + + + + + + + + +
Captain Stanley was enjoying one of the benefits of his rank. Since the men could not agree upon the evening's television programming, he decided upon the shows they would watch. Thus, the men of A-Shift were watching an episode of Kojak when the telephone rang.
After answering the phone, Mike shouted to Roy, "It's for you."
Roy evicted Henry from his lap and took the call. "Hello?"
"Mr. DeSoto? This is Dr. Weiss at Rampart. Mr. Gage has you listed as his emergency contact."
A sense of dread filled Roy with every fiber of his being. "Yes, what happened?"
"Mr. Gage developed an extremely serious condition called cardiac tamponade. The fluid in the space between the heart muscle and the pericardium built up too quickly, which prevented the heart chambers from expanding completely. As a result, they were not able to adequately fill or pump blood to the rest the body efficiently. To correct this problem, we performed a pericardial tap, and then followed up by surgically removing a section of the pericardium to create a window to allow the fluid to drain more freely. In addition to sending the fluid to the lab for analysis, we sent the section of the pericardium to be cultured."
"Is he going to be okay now?"
Dr. Weiss sought to assuage Roy's fears. "He's doing much better now. His blood pressure and pulse rate have improved significantly, and he's breathing much easier. I want to keep him in ICU for few more days to closely monitor his condition, but I believe he's turned a major corner. Assuming he doesn't develop any complications during the night, you should be able to see him in the morning when visiting hours begin."
The paramedic nearly fainted with relief. "Thanks for calling. I really appreciate it."
+ + + + + + + + + + + +
Ever since he received the phone call from the cardiologist, Roy was a bundle of frayed nerves. He was enormously grateful Johnny survived his latest crisis, but he wouldn't be satisfied until he saw his friend for himself. Unable to sleep, he was perversely pleased when the station was called out on a warehouse fire during the early morning hours. It gave him something useful with which to occupy his mind.
As soon as his shift ended, Roy headed for Rampart to see his partner. He thought Johnny looked frightfully pale and exhausted. Trying to appear upbeat, he bounced into the cubicle, oozing cheer and goodwill from every pore. "Good morning! How do you feel?"
Johnny smiled wanly. "Like a vampire who had a wooden stake driven through his heart." He vainly sought a more comfortable position. Finding none, he addressed Roy. "Did you bring a silver crucifix or a string a garlic to finish me off?"
"Nah, but in a couple of days or so when they disconnect you from all this equipment I promise to take you outside and expose you to daylight."
"Now that's a true friend for you. Always looking after your back." Johnny grimaced as he turned to face his visitor.
"Someone has to," Roy replied as he surreptitiously pressed the call button.
Almost immediately, Yvonne stood at the foot of the bed. "Can I help you?"
The baffled patient shook his head. "I'm fine."
"No, he's not," Roy volunteered. "He's in pain, but he won't admit it."
The nurse firmly placed her hands on her hips. "Is that true?"
"Well..."
She good-naturedly shook her finger at her patient. "Dr. Early tried to warn us about you."
"What exactly did he tell you about me?" Johnny cautiously inquired.
Grinning conspiratorially at Roy, Yvonne said, "Let's just say by the time you're feeling better, I'll probably be glad you'll be chasing nurses in another unit!"
+ + + + + + + + + + + +
Over the next few days, Johnny's condition improved remarkably. He was delighted when Dr. Weiss deemed his progress to be stable enough for him to be transferred to a semi-private room. At last he was unencumbered by the vast array of monitoring equipment and he had the freedom to walk as much as his physical stamina would permit, albeit with assistance. The fact that his new room was equipped with cable television was an added bonus.
Since he didn't have a roommate yet, he was frequently left alone with his thoughts. It wasn't that he didn't appreciate the daily visits Roy and Joanne made, but he often speculated what it would be like to have his own wife and children come to see him.
Not being able to come up with an answer to that nagging question, Johnny picked up the remote control and changed channels.
+ + + + + + + + + + + +
Marco exhaustedly flopped into the uncomfortable visitor's chair. "Mike says he's sorry he couldn't come today, but he has an appointment with his attorney. Pam finally filed for divorce yesterday."
"Oh, man, I hate to hear that," Johnny replied. "How is Mike taking it?"
"I think he's actually relieved. At least the decision is out of his hands now."
"Even so, I know there was a part of him that secretly hoped they could get back together, no matter how impossible things looked."
"Yeah."
Johnny wagged his eyebrows. "So how did your date with Marisela go?"
Marco shyly smiled. "It went better than I expected."
"Come on, Marco. I want all the gory details. Did she have three heads or turn into a pumpkin at midnight?"
"You won't believe this, but she's about my height, has a voluptuous figure, is very pretty and has the most beautiful eyes."
Johnny was undoubtedly skeptical. "You're making this up."
"No, really. At first I thought she was the quiet type, but I soon found out she has an outrageous sense of humor. I was laughing so hard I barely touched my food. It felt great to be able to enjoy myself like that," Marco sighed.
"I assume you've asked her out again?"
"Yeah, next week."
"You sound like you like this girl," Johnny said.
"It's only a date. I'm not already looking at engagement rings or renting a tux. I'll keep asking her out on dates and enjoy her company as long as it lasts. I'm too superstitious to wish for anything more."
"But what if she is the one, Marco? Are you ready for that kind of commitment?"
"I've been ready for about five years," Marco answered. "I figure I'm overdue for some happiness. But like I said, I don't want to jinx myself. I want to take this one step at a time. I can't picture myself at the altar with someone I've only been out on one date with. What about you, Johnny? What do you want?"
The paramedic straightened his covers. "I don't know anymore. A couple of months ago, I thought I enjoyed my rootless existence, you know, not being tied down to anyone? Then one day, I realized I wasn't getting any younger. It seemed I was always over at Roy's house, watching his perfect little family and it occurred to me I didn't have one of my own. It started bothering me, a lot. For the first time in my life, I felt totally alone. I was afraid I would die before I had the chance to change things. But you know what's weird? I could have died, and then I was glad in a way I didn't have a family because I wouldn't have left a widow behind to raise a couple of kids by herself. Morbid, huh?"
"Johnny, that's no reason to stay single."
"It certainly makes stuff less complicated in the end."
Marco shook his head in frustration. "It's true we have a dangerous occupation, but you could also die in your bed of old age."
Johnny methodically picked at the loose threads of his blanket.
"Maybe Marisela will bail out on me on Saturday. Maybe she'll turn into a dragon and I'll run screaming for my life. I'm willing to take that chance. Good things in life require an element of risk. The question is, how much risk are you willing to take, Johnny?"
Still staring at his bedcovers, Johnny pondered his plight. "I'm probably going to regret this, but I'll agree to let your grandmother set me up with a date. If she can make you this happy, maybe there's hope for me."
In a gesture eerily reminiscent of his Aunt Blanca, Marco enthusiastically clasped his hands together. "Yes!"
"But...these are my conditions. I want someone who is a good listener. You know I tend to rant a lot. I like girls who are funny and entertaining. And I love to eat, so a good cook would be a big plus. Oh, and you know how fond I am of the outdoors, so it would be great if she's into camping or fishing or that sort of stuff. Finally," Johnny added with a wink, "I wouldn't mind if she was cute."
"Is that all?" Marco mocked.
"That's all I can think of for now."
"Well, I'm sure my grandmother, aunts and cousins will have someone lined up for you before the sun sets. Gee, don't be surprised if a bunch of young and very available women start appearing in your hospital room by the end of the day!"
Immediately, the color drained from Johnny's face. "They wouldn't!"
The mustachioed man decided to let his friend find out the hard way about the accuracy of his statement. "I'll see you tomorrow." He grinned mischievously as he noted Johnny squirming uncomfortably in his bed.
+ + + + + + + + + + + +
As he crossed the threshold of Johnny's room, Roy pretended to inspect the walls for damage.
"What are you doing?"
"I was looking for scratch marks. I heard you were climbing the walls to get out of here."
Johnny pretended to be insulted. "Me? What gives you the impression I'd be less than a perfect patient?"
Now it was Roy's turn to appear indignant. "Don't insult my intelligence. You know darned well what I'm talking about."
"I prefer to think of it as an incentive for an early release program. If the nurses are threatening to kill me, the docs might be more willing to let me go home a little early if staying here would be detrimental to my health."
"When is your doctor planning to release you back into society?"
"Not soon enough," Johnny complained.
"How are you feeling?"
"Well enough to go home and be miserable in my own bed."
Roy took a deep breath. He and his partner had performed this ritual many times before. The minute Johnny was no longer at death's door he was a terrible patient. "Well, your doctor must not agree, so why not resign yourself to being miserable here?"
Johnny lowered his head. "I'm tired of all of this."
"Considering the alternative, you should be grateful you're still in a hospital bed," Roy rebuked. An awkward pause followed. "Johnny, are you okay?"
"I don't know."
Cursing himself for his earlier remark, Roy tried again. "What's wrong?"
"What's the point? You still don't understand."
Roy remembered the conversations of the past several days, but attributed them to the fears of a man who thought he was dying. "Perhaps you need to see Dr. Lemos again. Maybe he can help you."
Johnny's temper flared. "No way, I don't need to see a shrink. I haven't lost it."
"Something is wrong. You haven't acted like yourself in weeks. You seem distracted when you think no one is watching. Since you've been hanging out with Mike and Marco, you never tell me what's on your mind anymore. I don't know what to believe."
"Roy, the three of us are going through some similar stuff right now and we've kind of bonded for the moment. I'm not saying we're going to be buddy-buddy forever, but it helps to talk to someone who is in the same boat once in a while. You're still my best friend, and always will be. I merely need a little time to work this out."
The older man remained unconvinced. "But Johnny, you've been talking about your life as though it doesn't matter. That concerns me, a great deal."
Dumbfounded, Johnny muttered, "It's not what you think."
"I'm not sure what I think." Roy wearily stood up and left the room. Standing outside the door, he closed his eyes. He would ask Dr. Brackett for advice on this matter.
+ + + + + + + + + + + +
Dr. Brackett stood outside the doorway, summoning his resolve. He dreaded the task before him. Under the best of circumstances, John Gage could be a challenging individual when he felt his physical condition did not warrant treatment. Now he needed to assess whether a psychiatric consult was required. He pushed the door open with greater force than was necessary. With a forced smile, he greeted his young charge. "You're looking much better."
"Better enough to send me home?" Johnny asked hopefully.
The physician sternly responded, "You never give up, do you?"
"Haven't you ever heard of 'nothing ventured, nothing gained?' One of these days you might accidentally say yes."
"Unfortunately, today isn't that day." Dr. Brackett seated himself in the tattered chair beside Johnny's bed.
"Uh oh," Johnny replied. "I get the feeling this isn't a social call."
"No, it isn't." The physician carefully steepled his fingers and leaned forward. "I had an interesting conversation with Roy this morning."
"Oh, man!"
"He's concerned about you. He said you haven't been yourself for a while, even before you became ill. According to him, you've been depressed and preoccupied about what would happen if you died. He was especially troubled by the tone of your conversations during the past week."
Johnny sank into his pillow. "Doc, I'm okay, really. I have a few things on my mind right now, that's all."
"For instance?" Dr. Brackett probed.
"You'll think it's stupid. Roy does."
"I'm not here to pass judgment. I'm here to listen."
"I guess I'm going through my mid-life crisis a little early," Johnny admitted. "I see other people going about their lives, and I wonder if I've made the right decisions. Sometimes I sort of wish I had a family of my own instead of playing uncle to Roy's children all the time. I go home to the same empty apartment night after night, and I feel almost invisible. Then I think, if I died, will my life have mattered? Did I make a difference? Will anyone mourn my passing? Pretty dumb, huh?"
Dr. Brackett sagely nodded. "No, Johnny, I think those feelings are normal. The question is, do you think you could use some help in sorting them out?"
"So that doesn't mean I'm crazy?"
The physician laughed. "Personally, I bought a flashy new sports car to help me deal with my mid-life crisis, but you may find short-term therapy more beneficial and a lot less expensive."
Johnny relented. "Okay, I'll agree to see Dr. Lemos again, but only as a consult. I don't want him having any control over when I get to go home like last time."
"Agreed. I'll give him a call." Dr. Brackett paternally patted the young man on the leg as he left the room.
+ + + + + + + + + + + +
Johnny watched the sunrise from the confines of his hospital bed. Granted the view from a semi-private room at Rampart was not as majestic as dawn in Montana, but given the circumstances of the past couple of weeks, it was still an awe-inspiring sight. As he gazed at the purplish horizon, he was imbued with a sense of peace.
He considered his recent personal crisis, and the anguish over the roads not taken. His sessions with Dr. Lemos proved more productive than he anticipated. The psychiatrist pointed out that the perceived missed opportunities would not have necessarily guaranteed happiness, and that people who appeared to possess all the things Johnny recently desired were not always fulfilled. He honestly hadn't thought of that before.
Lately, Johnny was so obsessed with what he believed was missing in his life, he lost sight of his blessings. Despite his occasional illnesses and frequent on-the-job injuries, he always managed to bounce back eventually. And while his relationship with his family in Montana was tenuous at best, he found a surrogate family in the DeSotos.
As Johnny recovered, he realized how many people cared about him. Once he was transferred to a semi-private room where the visitation rules were more relaxed, visitors besieged him. Most were fellow firefighters from various stations and shifts, but some were neighbors from his apartment complex or people he met through various charity events. The most astonishing visits were from a handful of casual acquaintances. These were individuals for whom Johnny performed small favors or acts of kindness without expectation of reward. He began to understand how his simple good deeds had touched the lives of people around him, and Johnny felt profoundly humbled. It finally dawned on him he was making a difference, and that knowledge gave him a renewed sense of purpose.
Gradually regaining his confidence and physical health, Johnny couldn't wait to be discharged so he could resume his life.
+ + + + + + + + + + + +
Roy observed his bored partner toss restlessly in the bed. "Did you know the proper term for someone in your position is 'patient'?"
He was rewarded by a venomous glare. "That's not even funny."
"There is light at the end of the tunnel," Roy reminded him.
Johnny whined, "But with my luck, it's probably an oncoming freight train!"
"Okay, then it's always darkest before the dawn."
The dark-haired man was not going down without a fight in this cliché war. "Yeah, and it's always darkest before everything goes pitch black, too."
The senior paramedic raised his arms in defeat. "Okay, okay. I can see nothing I say is going to improve your mood this morning."
Staring at the ceiling tiles, Johnny gloomily said, "Dr. Weiss isn't going to release me until the end of the week."
Mindful of his partner's frame of mind over the past couple of months, Roy was uncertain how his offer would be received. "Johnny, perhaps it would be a good idea if you stayed with us for a couple of weeks until you feel well enough to take care of yourself." He silently held his breath.
Surprisingly, Johnny consented. "Sure, that would be great. I've missed seeing Joanne and the kids."
A wave of relief washed over Roy. He was concerned Johnny would see the children as a constant reminder of what was absent in his life. Perhaps this was a good sign.
"But Roy, do you think you might be able to sneak a 'guy' magazine in once in a while, like Field & Stream or something? I get tired of reading magazines filled with pages and pages of recipes of the gooiest desserts, and then they have nerve to include a section on how to lose 30 pounds in 30 days. I just don't understand these women's magazines!"
+ + + + + + + + + + + +
Three months later, Johnny settled back into the daily routine of Station 51. He was happy to be back in the company of the unique brotherhood of which he had become a part. Through hardships and triumphs, they forged a special bond. He knew he would always be welcome in Roy's home, but within the fire department, he had earned a role in his own right. He was a valued member of this society, and despite the occasional pranks and grumbling, he would be profoundly missed if anything ever happened to him. Sipping his coffee, he felt content as he watched the morning's activities unfold.
"Thanks Marty. I appreciate it." Mike hung up the phone and returned to the table. He hesitated before sharing his news. "That was my attorney. My court date has been set for next month. I'm almost a free man again."
Captain Stanley placed his hand on Mike's shoulder as a gesture of support. "Pal, I'm sorry to hear about your impending divorce, but at least you're finally going to be able to close this chapter of your life."
"Yeah. My pastor invited me to go on a church retreat next weekend called New Beginnings. I think it would be a good experience, kind of like a fresh start."
"Are there going to be any hot babes there?" Chet asked as he playfully nudged him in the ribs.
Mike smiled indulgently. "No. I'm sorry to disappoint your overactive imagination. It's a men's group."
The stocky firefighter looked disappointed. "Heck, you're no fun." Abruptly shifting his focus to Marco, he asked, "What about that girl you've been seeing? Do I need to be shopping for a wedding present soon?"
Marco blushed. "Marisela and I are still dating, but I wouldn't say it's anything serious yet."
"I bet your family doesn't see it that way," Johnny chided.
Chet wholeheartedly agreed. "I bet they've probably reserved a church and reception hall but haven't told him yet."
The men exploded into convulsive laughter. Marco was the first one to recover. "Actually, my family is probably planning two weddings."
Johnny sheepishly spoke up. "Yeah. Marco's grandmother has introduced me to a lot of nice girls since I got out of the hospital." He began counting on his fingers. "Tonight, Rosa and I are going to a movie. Tomorrow afternoon, I'm going to the beach with Pilar, and then I'm taking Esperanza out dancing later in the evening. Then Sunday morning, Graciela and I are going to a church bazaar. After that, I'm taking Lucrecita out to dinner."
Roy's mouth gaped open. "I thought you were talking about settling down. You sound like you're turning on the Gage charm like there's no tomorrow."
"You never know how fickle life can be. Besides, how am I supposed to know which girl is the right one for me unless I date all of them?"
Chet threw up his hands. "You could narrow the field by asking them to try on a glass slipper or something!"
Johnny couldn't help the crooked grin slowly working its way across his features. "Maybe someday I'll be an old married man with a house full of kids, but right now I'm having the time of my life!"
finis
Feedback
