Disclaimer: My Immortal lyrics belong to the writer or performer of Evanescence. No copyright infringement intended. The characters of E! belong to Universal and Mark VII.
And if you
have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
Holding On
By Audrey W.
After returning to Station 51 and parking the squad in the apparatus bay, paramedics John Gage and Roy DeSoto exited the vehicle. Each glanced at the engine that was already back in place beside them since the crew was able to go straight from the scene to the station; unlike Gage and DeSoto, who had to take two victims into Rampart. Roy headed straight for the kitchen area to see the others, but Johnny went to the locker room to shower and change before eating dinner. Not that he had much of an appetite anymore.
Entering the locker room, Johnny looked down at his bloodied uniform and leaned back against his locker. Suddenly he whirled around, slapping the wooden door with the open palm of his right hand. Why can't people learn to seatbelt their kids in? What’s so hard about taking that extra few seconds to make sure they’re secure? The things are there for a reason. Can’t they figure that out? Johnny closed his eyes, wishing it was all just a bad dream, but he knew it was real...all too real.
Slowly but intently, he took off his stained clothes, leaving them in a heap on the floor near the bench, then strode over to the shower and turned it on. As he stepped under the hot spray, he let out a long sigh. Feeling the steamy water cascade down his body, he again closed his eyes, trying his best to relax and block out the horrible images from the rescue. But no matter how hard he tried, they remained all too vivid in his mind.
~*~*~*~*~ ~*~*~*~*~
The day had been unusually hot for September in Southern California, and it was turning out to be a busy shift for the men of Station 51's A-shift.
Late in the afternoon, they were called out on a run that was a large MVA involving seven vehicles. The rescue turned out to be extremely difficult concerning some of the victims and included two fatalities, one of which was just a young child who hadn't been properly strapped in with a seatbelt. Because of the high speed at which the car was traveling when it impacted, the little girl was propelled through the windshield from the back seat, landing several yards away. She was then pinned underneath a Monte Carlo that had flipped and ended up over the vulnerable young girl, trapping her where the mangled hood of the car rested on the pavement.
Another paramedic pair had worked feverishly to get the driver of the upside down car out for the men from Station 51 to be able to move the vehicle to extricate the child, but it proved to be more time consuming than they’d hoped. He hadn’t been wearing his seatbelt either and was thrown into the back. Having suffered a moderate concussion, he was unable to aid in the process of assessing his injuries once they got one of the jammed doors open with a crowbar and were able to try to communicate with him. As a result, the paramedics had to use full spinal precautions which made his extrication that much longer in duration.
Johnny and Roy did all they possibly could for the girl as they waited for the opportunity to treat her. But, try as they might, they were unable to save her. By the time the men got her out, she was already gone. When she died, she was still holding onto Johnny's hand. The rescue left all of the men both physically and emotionally drained, but none more so than the Gage.
~*~*~*~*~ ~*~*~*~*~
Noting how long he'd been in the shower, Johnny decided he had better hurry it along. He was surprised, yet thankful, that his partner didn’t come in to check up on him yet. Roy had a knack for always being able to help him sort through his feelings, but right now Johnny just wanted to be left alone. Mentally shaking himself, he finished showering and changed into a clean uniform.
Unable to ease his somber mood, Johnny slowly made his way to the kitchen.
~*~*~
Also still bothered by the scene they’d recently come from, the engine crew sat quietly around the table as Roy walked into the dayroom. He noticed no one had touched any of the food on their plates. Any other time they all would have been devouring Mike Stoker’s fried chicken.
“Where’s John?” Captain Stanley asked with concern. He could tell at the scene that the younger paramedic was near the breaking point when he’d climbed into the squad to follow behind the ambulance carrying Roy and two victims that had survived the accident. Though it wasn’t out of the ordinary to see his men affected by a rescue that hadn’t ended with positive results, the degree to which John was impacted seemed deeper than normal.
Gage had looked over at the captain, his face full of emotion. But when Hank began to approach, Johnny quickly got in the truck and drove away.
“He went to clean up. . .uh. . .change his uniform. The blood. . .you know,” Roy explained awkwardly.
“Man, the expression on Gage’s face when the girl went limp in his arms; I’ve never seen him look so lost,” Chet said, shaking his head. “If only we’d gotten her out sooner.”
“It wouldn’t have made a difference, Chet,” Roy sadly explained. “Her injuries were too severe. Even an adult in her condition wouldn’t have had much of a chance.”
“How are her parents doing?” Hank wondered.
“They were still pretty frantic on the way to Rampart. They know they messed up.” Roy still found it hard to believe an adult would take the time to buckle themselves in the car, but not a child. “I don’t know how they’ll be emotionally, but physically they’re doing okay.” He paused a moment to regroup his own emotions as he thought about how such a tragedy could’ve been prevented. After clearing his throat, he continued. “Brice said the driver of the Monte Carlo has a concussion, a fractured left femur and internal injuries; he’s lucky to be alive. The others that were taken in had non-life threatening injuries.”
“I can’t imagine losing a kid,” Marco commented. “Especially being part of the cause. I don’t have any children, but I know how I’d feel if I were to cause one of my nieces or nephews harm.”
“The mother said their little girl liked to stand up in the car so she could hold on to the back of their seat,” Roy explained. “She kept saying over and over, ‘we should’ve made her sit down, we should’ve buckled her in’.”
“She can say it all she wants, but it won’t bring Shannon back.”
Everyone looked to see Johnny, his dark hair still damp, standing in the doorway.
“You okay, pal?” Hank asked.
Gage shrugged.
“Hey, you guys did what you could. We all did.”
“I know we did, Chet.” Johnny sighed. “It’s just. . .” His mouth hung open as he tried to search for the words he wanted to say. That it wasn’t enough; that for a second time in his life, he’d had to witness the tragic results of a bad decision involving a little girl. But the words couldn’t make it past his lips. The memories that were flooding back were too painful to share. “Ah man. . .” The paramedic turned and quickly left the room.
“Now you’ve done it,” Marco said.
“I didn’t do anything.”
“It’s okay, Chet,” Roy offered. “He’s just gotta have time to work through it.”
“Well, what about you? You’ve got kids of your own. I know the whole thing has to be eating at you.”
“Yeah, I’m upset with the parents,” the senior paramedic stated. “That little girl was depending on them to keep her safe.” He paused a moment, taking a deep breath, then sighed. “It was a tragedy that could’ve. . .no should’ve. . .been avoided. It didn’t hafta happen. But I know they didn’t mean to kill their daughter.”
Roy glanced at the doorway his partner had just exited through. “It’s just gonna be a hard one to put behind us for awhile.”
I hope Johnny *can* put it behind him, he thought to himself as he recalled the lost expression on his partner’s face when they’d pulled Shannon’s limp body free and couldn’t revive her. It was the most rattled he’d ever seen Johnny at a rescue of someone they didn’t personally know.
~*~*~
Johnny leaned against the backside of the fire station, watching the traffic on the busy 405 Freeway in the distance. How many people in those vehicles were taking chances now? How many were of the ‘it can’t happen to me’ mindset? Little Shannon Cooper was too young to really comprehend just how dangerous standing up in a moving car was and what the consequences could be. But her parents sure knew. How many times had they passed by on that freeway, just as they had before the accident?
Johnny leaned his head back and closed his eyes, only to get the image of the deceased little girl in his mind again. Opening his eyes, he sighed.
“You wanna talk about it?”
Gage turned to see his partner standing beside him. Frowning, he shook his head.
“It might help to get it out.”
“I don’t know.” He faced forward, looking toward the freeway again.
Roy followed Johnny’s gaze. “Watching over them isn’t gonna stop people from getting in accidents. No matter how hard we try to preach safety issues at county fairs and open house events, there’s always gonna be some who don’t take the advice to heart.”
The younger man nodded. “I know.” But he also knew that nothing was going to take away the ache he felt in his heart. The overwhelming hollowness that was physically painful in his gut. No amount of talking it out was going to erase the memory of Shannon Cooper clutching his hand and then releasing her grip as her young life faded away. Nor would it take away the memory of the other fateful day.
Both men looked toward the apparatus bay as the klaxons went off.
“Squad 51, difficult breathing, 3122 West Canary Lane, three one two two West Canary Lane, time out 18:10.”
The two men hurried to the squad and climbed inside. Hank Stanley had acknowledged the call at the podium and handed the slip of paper with the address on it to Roy. He passed it on to Johnny. His game face set, the younger man read over the information.
~*~*~
After a ten minute drive, the paramedics were on the scene. They climbed out of the squad and hurried to get their basic equipment from the compartments on the passenger side. A man came out of the house and stood on the uncovered porch, frantically waving them over.
“She’s in here!”
Johnny and Roy trotted up to meet the man.
“She’s in the kitchen.”
“What happened?” Roy asked as they followed him inside.
“We were just eating dinner and all of a sudden she said she was having a hard time breathing. . .then she told me she was allergic to walnuts. I don’t know why she ate ‘em if she’s allergic to ‘em.”
When they entered the kitchen, the two paramedics saw the woman still sitting at a round wooden table; she was leaning forward as she gasped for breath. They hurried over and got on either side of her.
“Al. . .al. . .ler. . .,” she managed to get out. She pointed to a dish of fruit and nut salad on the table.
“Your husband says you’re having an allergic reaction. Is that right?” Johnny asked.
The woman shook her head.
“You’re not?”
Johnny looked puzzled, so the man quickly explained.
“She’s not my wife. She’s having an allergic reaction, but we’re just dating.”
The woman nodded to confirm the information.
Not phased by the conversation, Roy already had the oxygen out and placed the mask over her nose and mouth. Johnny set up the biophone to call Rampart. Within a couple of short minutes they were able to alleviate the allergic reaction with Epinephrine. The only indication of a problem that remained was a faint red rash that was beginning to develop on her skin in patches.
As the woman sat recuperating a moment while waiting for the ambulance to arrive, the boyfriend questioned her.
“How come you ate the nuts in the fruit salad if you knew you were allergic to them?”
“I didn’t . . . want to insult you. It’s only our third date. . . and you went to so much trouble to make it special.”
Johnny and Roy exchanged quick grins, then grew more serious at the sounds of sirens approaching. Gage went to meet the ambulance crew and show them in while Roy stayed with their patient.
~*~*~
Once the ambulance was on its way to Rampart, Johnny followed behind in the squad. He glanced at various cars going by in the opposite direction, wondering if the occupants inside were guilty of the ‘it can’t happen to me’ syndrome and if any were going to be in an accident before the evening was over.
Man, what am I *doing*? We’re supposed to be the reassuring ones when things go awry.
But he already had the answer.
I can’t let it eat me up. . .
Nevertheless, it was proving to be difficult not to. Fact was the victims from the earlier accident were on his mind and he couldn’t get past the thought that he and his shiftmates would be at another similar scene all too soon.
~*~*~
Johnny arrived at Rampart just under a minute after the ambulance, but Roy had already gone inside with the patient, the automatic doors still in the process of closing behind them. The younger paramedic sat in the cab of the squad a moment. He wanted to make sure he had on the appropriate ‘game face’ when he went inside.
No need for anyone *here* to know what’s going on. . .
After a short time spent shoving aside his discouraged mood, he sighed and opened the door, climbing out. As he walked into the hospital and saw Dixie McCall at her desk, he smiled and approached her.
“Hi, Dix.”
“Well, hello to you too,” she said returning the smile. “You sure are in better spirits than you were earlier.”
He looked down slightly. “Yeah, well. . .that was kind of a rough call.” He looked at her and shrugged. “But life goes on, ya know?”
The head nurse eyed him carefully. She knew the paramedics had to get past runs where things went bad; where the end result involved a fatality. Correctly handling the next emergency call that might arise depended on it. But Johnny seemed to have gotten past the death of Shannon Cooper in a shorter period of time than Dixie would have expected.
“Her parents are going to have a hard time going on,” she commented. That was another oddity she noticed. He hadn’t asked about them at all.
“I’ll bet.”
Dixie was about to dig deeper into his thoughts when Roy joined them, having left their current patient in the hands of Doctor Morton.
“Hi, Dixie. Any news on how the Coopers are doing?”
The nurse first glanced at Johnny to see his reaction, if any. He had his eyes on a young nurse passing by. She then quickly looked to Roy. “Physically they’re doing okay. But as you can imagine, emotionally it’s been a nightmare. They’re both in the midst of a session with the hospital chaplain now; Mrs. Cooper is so upset, she may need to be sedated.”
“I don’t suppose they’ll ever really get over what happened.”
Dixie shook her head. “It’s hard to say, but I’ve seen marriages fall apart after the loss of a child. They’ve definitely got a long road ahead of them.”
“Whataya say we go so we can get something to eat before we get another run,” Johnny said as he stepped away.
Both Roy and Dixie looked at him, slightly surprised he was in the mood to eat, considering.
Maybe he really *was* able to distance himself from the Cooper girl’s death, Dixie thought to herself.
“I guess we should be getting back to the station,” Roy commented, wondering himself why his partner was getting his appetite back and his attitude turned around so soon. “I’m kinda hungry myself,” he lied. He would question Johnny on the sudden change once they got in the squad.
“See ya later,” Johnny said with a smile. Roy gave a half wave and followed behind the younger man.
Dixie watched the departing paramedics, wondering if they both were really coping okay.
~*~*~
“So what’s up?” Roy asked as he glanced from the street ahead to his partner and back to the street again.
“Whataya mean?”
“You seemed to want to get out of Rampart pretty quick.”
“I’m hungry,” he shrugged.
“Okay, where do you wanna eat?”
“Anywhere. Doesn’t matter.”
Roy nodded and turned onto a street where a familiar hamburger stand was located. “That’s sad about the Coopers, isn’t it?”
“Yeah. But then we pretty much expected it. ‘Sides, they did it to themselves, remember?”
Roy gave his partner an irritated glance. He wasn’t used to the cold attitude toward any victims they’d treated. Even as upset with them as he was himself, he could still feel compassion for their situation. But he figured he knew the basis for his partner’s behavior, so decided now was not the time to chastise the younger man. It had only been a few hours since Shannon died. It was going to take some time for Johnny to work through his feelings.
He drove the remainder of the way to the eatery in silence.
~*~*~
Roy looked at the untouched burger and fries in front of Johnny. After having gotten their food, the two sat in a booth at the hamburger place. But Gage apparently wasn’t as hungry as he’d claimed to be.
“You’re food’s getting cold,” Roy pointed out, wishing he hadn’t made the comment afterward. It went over exactly how he didn’t want it to.
“Roy, I’m not one of your kids.” Johnny didn’t hide the annoyance he felt at the words. His facial expression matched the tone of his voice. “And I’ll eat. . . when I’m ready.”
The senior paramedic put up his hands in defense. “Sure. Anything you say. But if you take much longer, you’d better get a bag and make it to go.” He swore to himself at where he had taken the conversation. Gage wouldn’t open up to him now for sure.
Johnny popped a couple of french fries in his mouth and took a bite of his cheeseburger. He gathered the rest up in a wrapper and slid out from behind the table, getting to his feet. He tossed the food and paper in a nearby trash can, then picked up his styrofoam cup of Cola from the table. “Let’s go.”
Roy was nearly done, so he cleared his spot. It took a lot of self control not to verbally snap at Johnny for his attitude. But then he had to remind himself that he hadn’t helped matters with his comments.
Maybe once we have a day off, he’ll be back to his old self. In the meantime, it’s gonna be a long night.
~*~*~
Halfway back to the station, Gage spoke. “I’m sorry. . .for acting like a jerk back there.”
Although Johnny never shifted his gaze from the passenger side window, Roy took it as a sincere apology.
Maybe he’s coming around.
“It’s okay. I wasn’t exactly at my best either. Your stomach might not be so quick to forgive you, though. If I hear any growling tonight, I’ll know what it is.”
Gage just smiled and nodded in agreement. He didn’t want to mention that his inward mood hadn’t changed and his appetite was yet to return. He was still very angry at the Coopers for what their actions, or lack there of, did to their daughter; and that because of them, he’d been put in a situation that was hopeless. . .again.
~*~*~
Marco was coming from the latrine when the squad arrived back at the station. The fireman waited near the rear of the engine until Roy backed the truck in and turned off the ignition. Marco then walked up to greet them.
“It sure is good to see you guys,” he said as Johnny climbed out.
“Yeah? Why, was Mike’s cooking that bad?”
Marco couldn’t tell if Johnny’s mood had improved or not. He assumed the comment was meant to be humorous since everyone knew Mike was a good cook, but the expression on Gage’s face was unreadable.
“No. Chet’s been wondering if he really upset you. He’s been going on and on about the accident and . . .well, you know.”
Roy was just going into the dayroom when he heard Marco’s explanation. He stopped and stood near the podium, waiting to hear what his partner’s reply would be.
Johnny sighed. “She died, Marco. You can say it you know.” He started to look away, then decided he should keep eye contact for effect as he continued. “So we lost one. Like you guys said, we did all we could. It was just one of those things.”
The fireman’s mouth opened slightly in disbelief. “You’re okay? But. . .”
“Look, we all know it’s part of the job. If these kind of things affected me for very long, I wouldn’t be doin’ what I am. But I wouldn’t say I’m ‘okay’ with it, if that’s what you mean. Just that it’s in the past; I can’t do anything about it now.”
Roy looked in the direction of the two men, though the squad was blocking his view of them. He stared a moment in thought, then turned toward the dayroom. He didn’t want to go in before Johnny had a chance to talk to Chet. The last thing he needed to do was answer for his partner and then have him walk in and be upset all over again. Switching directions, he headed for the dorm instead.
~*~*~
Johnny followed behind Marco as they walked toward the dayroom. He was glad his explanation had come across as believable. In fact, he’d almost convinced himself.
Now if I can just avoid having to say it again.
He felt his stomach knot up as they entered into the other room and all eyes fell upon him. Taking a deep breath, he flashed a quick smile and headed for the refrigerator to get the milk.
“Hey, John, I--”
Chet stopped in mid-sentence when he saw Marco shaking his head. The Hispanic fireman mouthed ‘He’s okay’.
The paramedic turned around with the carton of milk in his right hand. “You what, Chet?”
Kelly gave a quick glance to Marco and then returned his attention to Johnny. “Uh. . .nothin’. Never mind.”
Noticing the exchange between the two, Gage set the milk on the counter and addressed the unspoken issue; Mike sat quietly observing. “Look, Chet, I had a rough call. We all did. But like I told Marco, it’s in the past. No one can change what happened, so there’s no use dwelling on it. And you didn’t do anything wrong earlier. It was me. I was in a bad mood and I shouldn’t have reacted like I did.”
The curly-haired fireman stared at him a moment. He was used to Gage quickly getting over pranks from the phantom. And the paramedic had dealt pretty well with losing a victim before, some young children also. But this time it had been different. No one on the engine crew had expected him to come back from this last run with a changed attitude.
“Okaaay.” What else could he say?
Satisfied he wouldn’t have to talk about Shannon’s death anymore, Johnny turned to get a glass out of the cupboard. The other three went about their business, each wondering what Roy might’ve said to his partner while the two were out.
~*~*~
Hank Stanley looked up from his seat at the desk in the dorm room when Roy walked in. He’d just ended a phone call with his wife.
“How’d it go?”
“Okay. It was just a lady having an allergic reaction to something she ate.” The paramedic smiled at the memory of the exchange between the young couple. “She didn’t want to offend her boyfriend by not eating what he served for dinner, so instead she wound up leaving his place in an ambulance.”
“Wait till they get married. That’ll change.”
Roy laughed slightly. “You’ve got that right.”
“How’s John?”
There it was. The question he’d been afraid of getting from Chet. Johnny seemed to be okay. He ran a check of the past hour through his mind. There wasn’t anything to indicate there was still anything really wrong by the time they’d been heading back to the station. It was as if the younger man had had enough time to reason out his emotions.
“He’s doing better.”
“Do I need to have him see someone to help him sort out any lingering emotions?”
“I don’t think so. He seems to’ve done it on his own.”
With that, the captain sat up straighter, a surprised expression on his face. “Already?”
Roy shrugged. “Yeah, appears like it. He was acting kind of different at first, but once we got something to eat, he was back to his old self.”
Except Johnny hadn’t really eaten much. But still. . .he *did* apologize for his actions and he sure had given what could be described as a heartfelt explanation to Marco.
“Well, that’s good to hear. I was afraid this one might hang with him the rest of the shift. It seems kind of soon though . . .considering." Pausing briefly, he looked his senior paramedic straight in the eye. “Are you sure he’s okay?”
If he put any doubts in the captain’s mind, Johnny would not be happy with him. More than likely the rest of their shift together would be finished without conversation. Why was he even considering that before giving an answer? He’s okay. He said so.
The senior paramedic nodded. “Yeah.”
Hank sighed and stood up. “All right then. I’ll take your word for it.” He started for the door. Roy followed, figuring Johnny had to have handled Chet on his own by now.
~*~*~
The remainder of the evening went without incident. The men watched a movie on television and no one mentioned what had happened earlier in the day. Johnny made sure to add a comment or two with any conversations so as not to tip anyone off that he was still very much affected by Shannon Cooper’s death. When he got up to go to the latrine part way through the movie, Chet watched as he left, then leaned toward Roy in the next chair over.
“That must’ve been some conversation you had with Gage earlier,” he whispered.
“Whataya mean?”
“Whatever you said got him back to his old self fast.”
“I didn’t say anything. He did it on his own.”
Chet sat back and looked at the doorway Johnny had gone out of. He did it on his own? Somehow he hadn’t expected him to be able to. Not with as upset as he was this time. . .
~*~*~
With no runs before their usual bedtime, the crew of A-shift was able to turn in at a reasonable hour. Roy looked at his partner in the next bed over. Johnny was laying supine, his left arm across his eyes; a familiar habit of his.
Roy turned over on his side, facing away from the other bed, and closed his eyes. Having heard the rustling of covers as he did so, Johnny lifted his arm just enough to see that his partner was settling in for the night.
He placed his arm back across his eyes and kept the pose for several more minutes until he could hear some of the others snoring; Roy’s breathing was slower indicating he was asleep.
Johnny brought his arm down and stared up at the darkened ceiling. He’d sincerely tried to fall asleep, but every time he closed his eyes, his mind played back the scene of the accident that claimed the life of four-year-old Shannon Cooper.
While his partner treated Mr. and Mrs. Cooper for minor injuries near their damaged car, also trying to calm the mother down, Johnny carefully slid into a small pocket of space under another vehicle involved in the accident, the Monte Carlo that had flipped over. The opening was just in front of its shattered windshield that had stayed in place as designed. Although he could only get in just to above his waist, he was trying to get as close to the trapped little girl as possible. Once under, he could see that her body was beneath the crumpled hood in another pocket that had miraculously kept the car from crushing her. It was like she was a piece in a sadistic life-size jig saw puzzle that had been recklessly thrown together.
Johnny flicked on his flashlight, and shining it on her indirectly, looked at the pale face of the girl as she lay on the pavement staring at him. He could see road rash, and cuts from glass on her right forearm and hand since they were in clear view. There were also cuts on her face and head from going through the windshield, along with some blood matted in her blonde hair on the left side. He gently reached for her wrist to check for a pulse. There was a faint one, but there none-the-less.
Concerned as he was, he forced a reassuring crooked grin when her lips parted in reaction to his touch. “Hey, sweetheart, can you move toward me?”
The girl didn’t budge.
He reached out and tried to bring her forward, but she was pinned somehow. At the time he wasn’t sure exactly what was holding her in place. The crumpled metal around her wasn’t tight up against her skin. Later he’d learn that her feet were both being held in place by a part of the hood nearly touching the ground.
Johnny quickly turned his head and called over his shoulder, “She’s alive! But I can’t move her! She’s stuck!”
Marco leaned down. “Brice and Reynolds almost have the driver out. We can jack the car up with the porta power then.”
“Tell ‘um to make it fast! We’ve gotta get her outta here now!” Johnny tried to block out the screams and cries of the mother in the distance. He wished Roy or someone could get her to stop. It couldn’t be helping the little girl to hear her mother in hysterics. Then it dawned on him that she hadn’t been crying for her mom at all. Most kids they treated who were injured always wanted their mother. But Shannon hadn’t. In fact she remained oddly calm.
**Shit, that’s not a good sign.**
Johnny felt the girl’s fingers touch his hand at the same time he could hear the others set up the porta power for when they were cleared to lift the front end of the car. He once again forced the reassuring grin.
“We’re gonna get you out of here, sweetheart.”
He carefully checked her head wounds as best he could in the cramped space , wincing at the size of the larger cut and knot underneath it. “I heard you’re four-years-old. You must be in preschool,” he said, just hoping to get any kind of response from her.
Roy squatted down near the car, having been able to leave the parents with some of the other engine crew.
“How is she?”
“Uh. . . she’s got a probable head injury; also she's semi-conscious and appears to be a little disoriented. Pulse is weak; I can’t get a good count on respirations or a BP though. She has multiple contusions and abrasions. ” He didn’t want to go into further detail on her physical appearance just yet in the event Shannon *could* hear him or was aware at all of her predicament. “I’d like to start an IV, but we’re gonna have to wait till she’s out.”
“I’ll relay the information to Rampart.” Roy knelt by the biophone he’d set down nearby with other equipment they may need and reported what little information they had. While he was in the process of doing so, he heard Chet shout a warning of caution and the front of the car slowly started to lift.
With the hood slightly off the ground, it was time to pull Shannon free. Johnny gently took hold of her shoulders and began to carefully ease her towards him.
Her lips parted in reaction to the gentle tugging, but no sound came out.
Suddenly Johnny noticed a change in her expression, one of complete confusion. He let go of one shoulder and grabbed her free hand and held it. “Hang in there, sweetheart, we’ve about got you out. It’s gonna be okay. Just hold my hand; I’m here with ya.”
He felt her small fingers attempt to interlock with his larger ones. It felt as if they were like that for minutes, though it was only a few seconds. Shannon gasped as she looked at him one last time. . .then it happened.
“She’s gone into convulsions!” The dark-haired paramedic quickly put his left hand beneath her head, keeping it turned to the side to save her from banging it on the ground and preventing any other complications the seizure might cause.
There was no time to wait for a backboard or anything else to aid in getting her out. He slid out from under, bringing her with him as quickly as he could without causing further injury. He grasped her right hand again just as the two made it out to the open, her reflexes causing her to grab onto his in return. The convulsions stopped and Johnny felt her hand go limp in his. For a brief second he looked in stunned silence at the girl now up against his chest, not even feeling her blood from various scrapes and cuts soak into his shirt. Realization kicked in and the two paramedics tried desperately to revive the girl. But it was to no avail.
Though in reality it had taken them less than a minute to get Shannon freed once the driver of the Monte Carlo was out, to Gage it felt like it had been much longer.
Johnny held up his right hand in front of his face. He slowly flexed his fingers as he recalled the feeling of her fingers locked in his until they suddenly loosened the hold. It was a feeling he’d never forget.
He recalled Brackett’s words as he and Roy dealt with the tragedy at Rampart.
“From all indications, she was already suffering some sort of damage to the brain when you reached her. It would explain her lack of emotion and disregard of her parents. She may not have even known they existed by then. The seizure was likely caused by the severe blow to the head, maybe a blood clot or bleeding in the brain.”
Johnny solemnly nodded as Roy gave it thought.
“Don’t beat yourselves up over this. It’s tough to lose a victim, especially a child, but I don’t think she would have made it even if you had gotten her out sooner. I think you both know it too. Her injuries were just too severe.”
Once again Johnny nodded, this time looking down at the blood stains on his shirt.
Johnny sighed as he once again pictured Shannon looking at him from underneath the car.
Why couldn’t it have been a different outcome this time?
~*~*~
At 2:00 in the morning, the lights in the dorm came on at the same time the klaxons sounded. The station was being sent to a house fire.
Johnny had finally fallen asleep an hour prior to the call. Still somewhat groggy, he pulled up his bunker pants and followed the others out to the trucks in the apparatus bay. After climbing into the squad, he wiped at his tired eyes as Roy handed him the slip of paper with the information on it.
“You must’ve been sleeping pretty good,” Roy commented, noticing his partner’s watery eyes after a yawn.
“Yeah, I guess I was.” Finally.
Roy drove out into the street and led the way for the engine to follow.
~*~*~
Three hours later the paramedics returned to the station. In addition to helping fight the fire, they had to treat and take in two firefighters from another station who’d been injured when the second floor of the house gave out from underneath them. Engine 51 wasn’t back yet, having been assigned the mop up duty at the scene.
“You wanna get something to eat or drink?” Roy asked as he opened his door.
Johnny just wanted to be alone; he ran some thoughts through his mind before replying.
A few more hours. . .just act normal for a few more hours and you’ll be on your own soon enough. . .
“Sure. I could use a glass of water.”
The two paramedics went into the dayroom where they sat at the table after getting their drinks, Roy’s being milk.
“I wonder how much longer the engine’ll be out.”
Gage shrugged. “I don’t know, but I think I’m gonna turn in. I’m beat,” he said, getting to his feet and pushing his chair in.
“You going to clean off some of that grime first?”
“Nah. There’s not that much.”
Roy stood up and put the glasses in the sink, glancing at the doorway his partner had just gone out of.
If he’s as exhausted as he looks, he probably didn’t even notice how dirty we got.
He then headed for the latrine to wipe off some of the grime on his own face and hands.
~*~*~
When the morning tones went off at 7:00 a.m., the men woke, having all returned by 5:30 a.m. The engine crew was slow to get out of bed, still tired from the brief sleep.
Yawning, Roy was surprised to see an empty bed beside him; he’d expected his partner to be dragging as well. But Johnny was already up and out of the room. What he didn’t know was that the younger paramedic had lain awake since returning from the house fire, unable to do more than stare at the ceiling or lay with his left arm across his eyes; that it was after the engine crew returned and everyone else had fallen asleep when Gage decided to get up and make some coffee.
~*~*~
Once the next crew took over, the men of A-shift were free to go. Marco and Mike hurried to the parking lot, eager to get on with their plans for the day despite the lack of sleep. Captain Stanley stayed in his office to talk to the captain of the next shift; the others headed for the locker room to change clothes before leaving.
Roy looked at his partner who had finally washed up earlier. “You want to come over to the house later today?”
Johnny shook his head. “Nah. I’ve already got plans,” he said in an upbeat tone. “Thanks anyway though.”
“Sure. But if you change your mind, you’re welcome to stop by. We’re just hanging around the house today as far as I know.”
Chet looked over from where he stood nearby. He watched as Roy closed his locker and went out the door to the apparatus bay, Johnny following suit. Chet wished Roy had been the second one out. He could’ve stopped the older paramedic and let him know Gage had told him early the day before that he didn’t know what he was going to do on his day off; that he didn't have any 'plans'.
I don’t think John’s as okay as he wants us to think he is. . .
~*~*~
On his way home from the station, Johnny came upon a traffic jam that had vehicles moving at a snail’s pace. It was a lot of inching forward and hitting the brakes every few seconds. After forty-five minutes of putting up with it, he saw the cause of the problem as he approached the clearing point in traffic.
A pick-up truck and sports car had been in an accident, closing off two of the three lanes of the highway. The police and fire department were just in the clearing stages of the scene. Johnny felt a twinge in his stomach at the sight.
I don’t see any victims. Looks like they got ‘em out and away.
He just hoped no one was hurt very bad. A policeman directing traffic waved the paramedic on when the Land Rover was at the front of the line.
Johnny sighed. People just don’t seem to realize one little mistake or misjudgment can change their lives forever. . .or take away someone else’s.
~*~*~
Chet looked at the telephone in his livingroom as he opened the door to his apartment.
I wonder if Gage is home yet. . .
He walked over to the phone and picked up the receiver, intending to dial the paramedic’s number. After the prefix, he paused.
If I get him upset again, Roy’s gonna kill me. . .
Not sure it would be a good idea to call, he headed for his bedroom to take a nap and sleep on the idea.
~*~*~
After showering and putting on a pair of blue denim jeans, Johnny flopped on the couch in his livingroom and sighed.
What *am* I gonna do today?
Feeling restless, he got up and walked to the kitchen, where he opened one of the cupboards and looked at the three cereal boxes inside. None of them appealed to him right then, so he closed the cupboard door, his eyes settling on a half a loaf of bread.
Maybe toast?
Opening the bag, he took out two slices, then plopped them in the toaster and pressed the button down. As the inside of the appliance glowed with orange, the paramedic stepped over to the refrigerator and opened it, reaching in and grabbing a half gallon bottle of milk. As he set the bottle on the table and brought a dish of margarine out as well, the toast popped up.
Once he was settled at the table, he took a bite of his breakfast, opening the bottle of milk and washing down the food with a swig.
Johnny looked down at his plate after taking another bite and sighed.
This doesn’t hit the spot either.
The paramedic picked up the plate and dumped the remaining food in the trash can.
So much for breakfast. . . he thought as he set the dish in the sink. As he walked past the table, he picked up the bottle of milk and headed for the livingroom again.
~*~*~
Still restless, Johnny turned on the TV to cartoons and plopped back down on the couch, taking another swig of milk. It was only a couple of minutes before he found himself as dissatisfied as before. Staring at the screen, he didn’t even notice the hilarious predicament that Sylvester the cat found himself in once again because of Tweety Bird out-smarting him.
Johnny set the bottle of milk on the coffee table, getting up to go put on a shirt. A few minutes later he found himself trotting out to his Land Rover.
~*~*~
Joanne DeSoto sat at the kitchen table with her husband as he ate his french toast breakfast. Halfway through it he set down his fork and leaned back in his chair.
“Had enough?” she asked.
Roy nodded. “I’m not very hungry this morning. . .guess I’m too tired to be.”
“Why don’t you go take a nap?”
He looked at the syrupy plate of food. “I will in a few minutes.”
“Is the bad accident from yesterday still getting to you?”
The paramedic paused a moment. He hadn’t told her everything when he’d called home once during the shift. Just that it had been an accident involving multiple vehicles and that it resulted in two fatalities, including a child.
“Yeah. I thought I’d worked through it, but. . .” He leaned with his elbows on the table after pushing his plate forward. “I’ll be okay. It’s just that as I was driving here, I got to thinking about how I was coming home to you and the kids. . .the parents of the little girl who died won’t ever get that chance again. And then the other victim that didn’t make it. . .he may have had kids or other relatives at home waiting for him and he never made it there.”
Joanne nodded, not sure what she could say to help ease his sadness.
Roy briefly thought of Johnny. The younger man seemed to have dealt with it better than him once he had a period of time when no one mentioned it around the station. Just as had happened when they’d lost a young boy who’d swallowed ant poison to get attention. By the time they’d gotten off duty, Johnny had worked past the feelings that came with losing a victim. Roy on the other hand had dealt with it more when he’d gotten home and saw his son Chris.
Maybe it’s better he isn’t coming over after all. I’d probably just bring him down again.
~*~*~
Johnny made it six blocks down the street before stopping the car in a parking lot of a convenience store.
Where am I going?
He hadn’t really set a destination; he’d just felt too restless to stay put. But still he found himself turning around and heading back toward his apartment.
Man, I have no idea what I wanna do. . .
All he did know was that two little girls who should’ve had more of a chance at life were gone. And though their lives ended years apart, he couldn’t help but think that in each case, he could’ve done more.
~*~*~
As Roy lay down on the bed to take a nap, he once again thought about the accident. He was grateful for being able to help the survivors, though he wondered how the Coopers were fairing this morning.
They probably have wished somewhere along the way that they *didn’t* survive. . .I’d hate to be waking up to the emptiness and guilt they’ve gotta be feeling.
As the thoughts ran through his mind, he once again recalled his partner. And he felt a little bit of envy.
Johnny always gets over stuff so easily. . .he may sulk or rant and rave initially, but while a lot of people would hang on to that for awhile, he’s over it and on to something else. Times like this, I wish I could be too. But this one hits a little too close to home. . .
One thing he knew for sure. . .he’d never move the car, even as much as a few feet, unless the kids were safely restrained.
~*~*~
Returning home again, Johnny wearily trudged back up the stairs and into his apartment, tossing his keys on the coffee table as he made his way through the livingroom. Noticing he’d left the television on and milk out from earlier, he numbly walked over and turned off the appliance, then picked up the bottle of white fluid and put it away.
With nothing else in mind, he’d decided to try for sleep. An hour of it the night before wasn’t enough and his eyes had begun to feel gritty from the tiredness.
Still dressed in jeans and his button-down shirt, he laid on his back on the bed and placed his left forearm across his eyes to block out what little bit of daylight shone through the curtains. But it wasn’t long before his arm was across his stomach as he stared at the ceiling.
Not again. . .man, I need some sleep.
Every time he closed his eyes, visions of little Shannon Cooper filled his mind. And then there was her . . .the one who he missed greatly.
Man, if I could just get it through to some people how fragile life is; that more often than not, something unplanned can happen before they even have time to react.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered, a catch to his voice as he recalled the first time he learned the lesson himself. Johnny closed his eyes, weariness washing over him. Soon the exhausted paramedic drifted to sleep before he even realized it was happening.
~*~*~
Joanne DeSoto quietly peeked into the bedroom to check on her husband. Roy was just coming out of the adjoining bathroom, a towel wrapped and secured around his waist.
“I thought you were going to take a nap. . .”
“I tried, but I couldn’t get to sleep,” he said with a sigh. “Maybe I’ll try again later; right now I just want to be with you and the kids.” He looked past her toward the hallway. “Are they up yet?”
She smiled and nodded as she walked inside the room to help him to pull out some clean clothes. “They’re eating breakfast,” she explained as she reached for a shirt and jeans from the closet. Bringing the items over to him, she continued, “I told them to be quiet as mice so you could sleep.”
Already in his underwear, Roy took the other clothes from her. “They’re doing a good job of it,” he said with a smile.
“I guess I’ll go let them know they can be themselves now. They were really struggling to keep their voices down.”
Roy’s smile widened at the thought of the two rambunctious, fully-awake kids trying to keep themselves low key. “Tell ‘um I’ll be down in a few minutes.”
“Something tells me they’ll know before I even have to say anything. They can read us pretty good, you know,” she said with a grin as she exited the room. It was only a minute later when the little squeals of joy filtered up to the bedroom. It was a good sound, and one Roy knew he needed to hear. He was already starting to feel the sad mood lift.
~*~*~
Reaching over a ledge of a building, the dark-haired paramedic clung to the small hand of a child as she cried out for help. He struggled as he tried to pull the girl to safety. “Don’t worry, sweetheart, I’ve got you,” he assured. But his words turned to a false statement as the little hand suddenly slipped out of his larger one. . .
Johnny startled awake, quickly sitting up and glancing around. A stream of sunshine trailed across the room from a crack in the curtains. He sighed as he swiped at sweat on his brow.
Man. . .oh man.
Thinking back to the dream, he looked at his right hand and flexed his fingers. It had seemed so real, he could almost feel the hand in his just as he did with Shannon Cooper. Only the little girl in the dream hadn’t been Shannon at all.
Lisa. . .
Tightly closing his eyes at another memory, he balled his hand into a fist and rested his damp forehead on it, his right knee drawn up near his chest, his elbow resting on it for support.
The sound of the telephone near the bed brought him out of his thoughts, almost startling him. After letting it ring multiple times in hopes the person would give up, he gave in and reached over to the nightstand. Johnny lifted the receiver as he wiped at his tired eyes with his free hand.
“Hello?”
“Hey, where’ve ya been? I let it ring about ten times.”
“Chet?” Johnny slid to the edge of the bed, swinging his legs over the side.
“Yeah. Man, were you asleep or what?”
“Uh. . .yeah. Yeah, I was.. . .” At one time, anyway.
“Oh. Sorry. I thought you’d be up by now even if you took a nap. It’s already two o’clock.”
Two o’clock? The paramedic couldn’t believe he’d slept as long as he had. “I. . .uh. . .I was tired. We didn’t get much sleep last night.”
“Hey, I was there, remember? We’re on the same shift,” he joked.
“Yeah, I guess you were,” Johnny said with a snicker.
“So what happened to your plans?”
“Plans?” What. . .?
“You know, the ones you told Roy you had.”
Johnny pulled the receiver away from his head and gave it an annoyed look. Eavesdropper. He then put it to his ear again. “Oh right, those plans. They fell through.”
“What happened?”
“Well, you know me, unlucky in love; always getting dumped.”
“Oh.” There was a very brief pause followed by, “Hey, since you’re free, you wanna go bowling?”
“I don’t think so, Chet. I’m not really--”
“Ah c’mon. Just to play a few games and have a couple of beers.”
Johnny really just wanted to end the conversation, preferably with Chet being the one to do it. But since it looked like there was only going to be one way to bring it to a close, he sighed and replied, “Sure. Sunset Lanes?”
“Sounds good. What . . . in about. . .say, thirty minutes?”
“Okay.” He’d tried to sound upbeat about the idea, but found himself frowning as his final reply came out flat.
Gage placed the receiver back in its cradle and stared at it a moment.
What the hell. . .maybe it’ll make the rest of the day go by faster. . .
Getting to his feet, he headed for the bathroom to take a quick shower again, this time mainly to rinse off after his sweaty nap.
~*~*~
