Johnny on the Spot

Johnny felt bad. How could he not? With Roy sitting there in the hospital bed, mute and miserable, shock and betrayal in his sad blue eyes. He had been so glad to see his partner and all Johnny was going to do was shove a paper bag of ice cream at him and abandon him to Chet Kelly?

Johnny gave him a sickly, sympathetic smile, waved goodbye to Chet in the next bed, and ducked out of the room, closing the door on Chet's loud, relentless storytelling.

" . . . the fire in my eyes, Kelly! The fire in my eyes! Well, I don't know what she's talking about . . . ."

Pausing with one hand still on the closed door, Johnny ducked his head. "Sorry, Pally!" he thought. "I really do feel for you. But I can't stay." He couldn't very well explain to his partner, though. "I have a date . . . with your wife!"

Johnny turned away and found Dixie McCall still at the nurse's desk. "Well," she said, "that was a short visit!"

"Yeah, I know. I'd like to stay longer, but I can't. Can you keep a secret?"

Dixie glanced around to make sure they were alone, shrugged slightly and nodded.

"I'm meeting Joanne in the cafeteria. She asked me to help her with something, but not to tell Roy."

"Oh, yes!" Dixie nodded. "I think she mentioned that to me. Are you going there now?"

"Well, yeah."

"Well, I'll likely see you there then. I'm headed that way myself as soon as I finish up a couple of things."

"Okay, great! Well, I'll see you in a few minutes then." Johnny tapped the desk twice with his knuckles and wandered off down the hall. He had been in court earlier, testifying against some arsonists, and he was dressed in a suit and tie. This was something of an oddity for the young fireman and he enjoyed the looks he was getting from some of the nurses.

The hospital cafeteria was open to the outdoors, café style, with most of the tables out on a sunny terrace. Johnny went out and looked around until he spotted his best friend's wife waiting for him. There was a pot of coffee on the table. She was sipping from one cup and there was already an empty one for him. He waved and went over to join her.

Joanne DeSoto was a pretty, pixie-faced brunette. She was fiercely devoted to her husband and at first she and Johnny clashed a bit because they were both a little jealous of Roy's affections. By this time, well into the second year of the two men's partnership, they had reached the beginnings of an understanding. Johnny was really looking forward to helping her with whatever this project was.

Johnny sat down. They said hello and Joanne poured him a cup of coffee and then Johnny got down to business. "So what's this big secret project, then? I'm just dying to find out what you've got up your sleeve."

Joanne looked up nervously at the rows of windows overhead. "Roy couldn't see us here, could he? If he happened to get up and go look out the window for some reason? I never can get the hospital layout straight in my mind."

"Nah, don't worry. His room's on the other side of the building. Besides, Chet's busy driving him nuts."

"Oh, good! Well, not about Chet of course, but . . . ." Joanne leaned low over the table, drawing close to Johnny. Her eyes were shining, her whole face alight. "I just wouldn't want him to suspect anything's going on."

"I understand. So what is going on?" Johnny leaned in close himself and raised his cup to drink as Joanne giggled and said . . . .

#-#-#-#-

"Are you okay? Are you sure you're okay? What happened there?"

Joanne was dabbing at the coffee stains on Johnny's jacket with a napkin dipped in a glass of ice water and fussing over him. Johnny pulled off his spattered tie and set it aside.

"I'm okay. I'm just . . . it was . . . that coffee was a little hotter than I was expecting!" Especially when it came out my nose!

"Are you sure you're alright, though? It didn't burn you? Do you need to go to the emergency room?"

Johnny imagined, briefly, putting in an appearance in the emergency room over this incident. He repressed a shudder. "No, I'm fine. Honest I am! You're gonna have to repeat what you were saying, though. I got distracted by the coffee and I don't think I heard you right." Gosh! I hope I didn't hear you right!

Joanne set down the soaked napkin, folded her arms on the table in front of her and said, again, "I want you to go shopping with me and help me buy a bra."

Johnny resisted the urge to smack his head against something to shake the thoughts into place. "You want me to help buy you a bra?" Was this a joke? Was she coming on to him? Was she NUTS?

She laughed her bell-like laugh and Johnny relaxed marginally. "Not for ME, silly!" She said. "I want you to help me buy a bra for ROY!"

"Oh . . . right." That's sooo much better. "Joanne, why would you need me to help you buy a bra? I mean, what would I know about it that you don't? I mean, I'd think you're much more an expert at this sort of thing than I am! I mean, you'd know what you like . . . ."

"I know what I like," she said seriously. "But I was hoping you could tell me what a guy would like. Like, f'rinstance, should I get a cream-colored one or go with black?"

Helplessly, Johnny considered the question. "Well," he said uncertainly, "basic black is always sexy . . . "

"Yeah, I guess. So you think black, then?" She smiled a little and shook her head. "I don't know if I want my husband going around with a sexy bra, though. I mean, he's just married, he's not dead!" She snickered and reached across the table to slap Johnny playfully on the shoulder.

"That's true," Johnny said, regarding his coffee sadly. Roy was not only his partner, but also his best friend. The best friend, in fact, that he had ever had. Johnny respected him, admired him and loved him like a brother.

If Roy wore women's underclothes, Johnny really didn't want to know about it!

Looking up, Johnny saw Dixie McCall headed for their table. He stood to greet her with relief. Surely Dixie would help him sort to the bottom of this!

"Dix," he said as she sat down, "Guess what? Joanne wants me to help her buy Roy a bra!"

He waited for her to say, "what? A bra? Why on earth would Roy need a bra?"

Dixie said, "yes, she told me! I think that's so sweet!"

It's a plot, Johnny decided, to make me nuts! He leaned over and put an arm around Dixie's shoulders. "You know what, Joanne? This is the person you need to get to help you right here. Dixie is a real expert on these things! Why, she's practically a pro!"

Dixie looked at him like he was crazy. "Why would I know anything about buying a bra?"

Johnny blinked. "You know what? You're right." He managed, by dint of Herculean effort, to refrain from glancing down at her ample bosom. "That was a silly thing for me to say and I can't imagine what came over me."

Dixie turned back to Joanne. "So is this a spur of the moment thing?"

"Oh, no." Joanne looked down at the table, blushing a little. "Actually, I've been saving up for it for months, pinching pennies so I could put aside money from the normal household budget without him knowing I was doing it. You see, I knew he wanted one, not that he's ever said as much. But I've caught him looking at them longingly when he didn't know that I was watching. You both know Roy, though. He only does nice things for other people. He'll splurge on me and he'd spoil the kids rotten if I didn't keep a close eye on him, but he never does anything for himself. So I just decided that it was time for him to get a nice surprise." She sniffled a little and dabbed at her eyes with a clean corner of the napkin she was still holding.

Dixie smiled at her warmly. "Well, I for one think that this is really sweet! Roy is one of the nicest people I know and I think he's really lucky to have a wife who realizes that and appreciates him."

"Aw, gosh. I'm the lucky one!" Joanne disagreed.

"You're both lucky," Johnny told her. I'm the sucker in the mix. "So," he sighed, weirded out but resigned, and reached for his coffee. "You want me to help you pick out a bra for Roy."

"Actually," Joanne bit her lip and ducked her head a bit in embarrassment, "actually I was hoping you'd put it on for me too."

Johnny set the coffee cup down very carefully. He had the distinct feeling that this was not going to be a safe conversation for the consumption of hot potables. "Joanne," he said, "I'm going to be honest with you. I have never put a bra on in my life." He snickered. "I've taken a few off . . . ." he couldn't help adding. Sometimes it is the man talking and sometimes it is the chromosomes.

"So you do have some idea what you're doing?" Joanne pounced on the admission. "Oh, Johnny, I know it's asking a lot. And you don't have to. The guy I'm buying it from said that he would, but I just know Roy would rather have you handling his baby than a stranger. Pleeeeaaaasssseeeeee?"

She gave him a hopeful puppy dog look and Johnny was lost. "Yeah, okay. All right. I will." Maybe Chet was behind all this! Maybe it was an elaborate prank. Johnny started surreptitiously feeling around the underside of the table for a hidden microphone as Joanne leaned over to give him an enthusiastic hug.

"So," she sat up straight and folded her hands on the table in front of her, bright and eager, "do we need any special tools to put a bra on."

Johnny considered the question and also thought about a weird disease he'd heard about. It seemed like some people, after very specific head injuries, would lose the ability to understand certain words, or would hear different words than the ones that people were saying. Maybe that was it. He wondered when he'd hit his head and what it was they were really talking about. He sighed.

"You know, I really couldn't tell you."

At that point Joe Early wandered by and Dixie snagged his arm. "Say, Joe! Do you know if you need any special tools to put a bra on?"

Joe considered the question with no visible reaction. "Well," he said, "I'd think that would depend on just what kind of bra it was."

The two women looked at each other and Dixie made a face.

"Oooh! You know, I bet he's right! So," she turned back to the doctor, "do you have any idea, just in general, what we might need?"

Joe shook his head with gentle regret. "I really couldn't begin to venture a guess. That's just not my area of expertise."

Dixie and Joanne sighed and Joanne shrugged. "Well, Roy has a pretty good selection of tools . . . ."

Dixie brightened and pointed across the cafeteria. "There's Mike Morton! Maybe he knows!"

The girls jumped up and went over to talk to the young doctor. Johnny and Joe watched the conversation. Dixie spoke first, indicating Joanne, and Mike's eyes lit up. He nodded and tucked the clipboard he was carrying under one arm so that he could use his hands as he spoke. He held them up, palms out, fingers spread and thumbs touching and made several pushing motions. Then he moved them outward, using his index and middle fingers to describe curving arcs parallel to the floor. Then he held them up, fingers and thumbs almost touching, in a move that suggested a ball or cylinder about six inches across. Then he hit his left palm with his right fist in a pantomime of hammering.

Johnny glanced up at Joe. "You know what they're talking about?"

Joe swallowed the last of his coffee. "No. And I'm not going to ask, either." He slapped Johnny on the shoulder and left.

Joanne and Dixie came back bubbling. "Mike says all we might need is a socket set, some screwdrivers and a rubber mallet," Joanne reported. "I'm sure that Roy already has all of those." She finished her coffee and set down the cup. "Are you ready, Johnny? Gosh, I'm just so excited about this I can hardly wait!"

Johnny stood up himself. Might as well go ahead and get it over with. Whatever it turned out to be.

"I guess we'll need to stop by the house and take some measurements," Joanne said, half stating and half asking.

"Measurements?" Johnny stopped again. He'd been thrown for so many loops today that he was dizzy from it. "What kind of measurements?"

"Well," Joanne froze, disconcerted. "Don't you know? I mean, there must be something you have to measure for a bra to fit right, right?"

"Well, yeah, but . . . " Johnny remembered Joe's slick answer and decided to borrow it. "I think the exact measurements would depend on what kind of bra it was."

"Oh, yeah. Right. Of course."

"Don't you still have that picture?" Dixie asked Joanne. "Did you show it to him? Maybe that'll give him an idea about what you need."

"Oh, right! Silly me!" Joanne smacked herself in the forehead with the palm of her hand and dug into her oversize handbag. She came up with a thin catalogue, folded open, and handed it to Johnny. He took it and looked down with trepidation.

His eyes lit up with sudden understanding and a crooked grin crept slowly into place. "You know what, though?" he told Joanne. "I was wrong. I changed my mind. I think the cream colored one would be much more elegant!"

"Do you think?"

"Yeah, I think!" He took her arm, as eager now as she was. "Ready?"

They said goodbye to Dixie and left the cafeteria. As they left the hospital they passed Dr. Brackett standing at the nurses' station and they paused a minute to talk to him.

"Can you keep a secret?" Joanne asked excitedly.

Brackett shrugged modestly and nodded. Joanne grinned.

"I'm going to go buy Roy a bra!"

Brackett's eyes glazed over. "A bra," he repeated dazedly.

"And I'm gonna put it on for him," Johnny boasted.

"But don't tell!" Joanne cautioned.

"Don't worry," Brackett told her. She and Johnny waved and left. When they were safely out of earshot the chief of emergency medicine shook himself and muttered, "not only am I not going to tell, I'm not going to ASK!"

#-#-#-#-

When A-shift returned to duty Chet Kelly was out of the hospital but still off recovering from his injured shoulder. That didn’t keep him from showing up to scrounge donuts from his shift mates. He was sitting at the kitchen table between Johnny and Marco Lopez, entertaining them with a long-winded account of his hospital experiences while they waited for roll call. Cap and Mike Stoker were leaning against the counter waiting for a fresh pot of coffee to brew and the boot from 110 who was covering for Chet was lounging on the sofa. The back door opened and Roy DeSoto came in, already in uniform. His eyes were shining, his face lit up like a little kid at Christmas time.

"You guys have to come look at this!" Though he was still a bit hoarse he was back on duty and obviously in excellent spirits. "My wife bought me a bra!"

Chet choked on his jellyroll.

"She bought you a bra?" Cap asked, bemused.

"Yeah! Johnny helped her!"

Johnny poked a thumb at his own chest. "I put it on," he bragged.

"He did!" Roy confirmed. "He did a real sharp job on it too! Come look!"

He went back out to the parking lot and the guys followed, Chet trailing along last.

"Oh, wow!" Cap exclaimed. "That does look sharp!"

"You did that, Gage?" Marco asked. "You did a good job!"

Johnny grinned modestly. "Thank you. Thank you!"

"You're a lucky guy, DeSoto," Mike said. "Why don't you get your wife to talk to my wife?"

Chet was trapped behind the rest of the guys. He tried standing on tiptoe, but finally just ducked his head and bullied his way out into the middle of the group. He followed their line of sight and his face cleared.

"Oh!" he said. "You mean she bought you a bra for your SPORTSCAR!"

Johnny snorted, looked down his nose at Chet scornfully and spoke in a voice that was laden with disgust. "Of course. Geez, Chet! What were you thinking?!?"

The end

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