by E!lf

 

 

. . . and then Chester, the mighty fireman, picked up his great, huge hose and smited smoot smut smote the flames and all his other firemen friends were saved and they called out "thank you!  Thank you!  You're our hero, Chester B!"

"Chester the Mighty Fireman?"

"Oh, heh heh."  Chet snatched away the paper Cap had picked up from the kitchen table.  "That's mine, Cap.  I'll just put it away."

"It's yours, huh?  You know, that's funny.  I would never in a million years have guessed that this was yours.  Chester."

Johnny came up behind Chet, reached over his shoulder and grabbed the paper.  "What is this anyway?"

"It's mine, Gage!  That's what it is.  It's private property.  It's MINE!"  He tried to take it back but Johnny jumped up on a chair, held the paper high over Chet's head and read aloud:

"'Oh, my goodness!  I don't know what to do!' the Captain cried out!  Engineer Mike was busy trying to remember how high to turn the water.  Johnny the --"  Johnny lowered the page long enough to glare malevolently at Chet, "Johnny, the Puny Paramedic, tripped over the stryayshuns striyations strayshions on the parking lot and fell and broke his funny bone.  'Oh, no!' cried Remorseful Roy!  'It's all my fault!'  He ran to Johnny and started taking care of him.  Meek Macro -- Man, you can't even spell Marco? -- Meek Macro got so nervous he fainted dead away.  Speedily, Chet ran up to the engine and fixed the water pressure.  He patted Cap on the back, handed Roy the oxygen, and ran and pulled Marco -- Hey!  Got it right that time! -- ran and pulled Marco away from the fire.  And then Chester, the mighty fireman, picked up his great, huge  hose . . . ."

"Chet wishes he had a great, huge hose!" Marco said less than meekly.

"Remorseful Roy?" Roy demanded over the laughter.

"And what was that about the Captain?" Cap asked.

"Don't, now," Chet held up his hands.  "Just don't be taking it so personally and all!  It's just fiction, is all.  It's not real."

"We KNOW it's all fiction," Roy said, "but what is it supposed to be for?"

Chet tucked his hands in his pockets, put his nose in the air and attempted to look aloof.  "I'm writing a book."

"A book." Cap repeated flatly.

"A book, yeah!  A children's book!"

"A children's book?" Johnny sputtered.

"Yeah, man!  Listen!  I saw this thing in the back of TV Guide.  It seems they are DESPERATE for children's authors.  They'll publish anybody!  And, come on, I mean, it's for little kids!  How hard can it be to write for little kids?  So I thought, what do I know that a kid would want to hear about.  And it was a no-brainer!"

"With you, that goes without saying!"

Chet ignored Johnny.  "I know about firefighting!  I mean, hey!  What little kid isn't going to be interested in a real-life look at what it's like to be a fireman?"

"Real life?" Cap demanded.

"Name me one time in real life, Chet," Engineer Mike said, a dangerous undertone to his voice, "just one time when you ever had to help me remember how to operate my equipment."

"Not real real life," Chet backtracked quickly.  "Kind of, sort of poetic license.  Based on real life."

"Based on real life how?" Cap pressed.

"Well, like, I really am a fireman and Gage really is a klutz and he's always getting hurt in some stupid way and Roy always feels guilty and takes care of him.  Like that, really."

Roy was laughing.  "What I can't get over," he said, "is, you're writing a book for little kids and you're using words like 'smote' and 'striations'?  Chet!  Little kids don't know those words!"

"Well, that's just fine, then," Johnny said, "'cause Chet doesn't know them either, if his spelling's anything to go by."

"Oh, hardee har har, Gage!  You're so not funny!"

"Besides," Marco said, "aren't kids' books supposed to rhyme?"

"The ones I remember reading to my kids did," Cap agreed.

"They don't have to!" Chet objected.  "They can, but they don't have to!"

"They don't have to," Roy said, "but most of the best ones are in verse.  It's called 'pre-reading rhyme recognition'.  The rhymes are easy for kids to remember and it helps them connect the letters with the sounds they make."

"Yeah," Johnny said.  "Like, Chester Kelly/ is short and smelly."

"Oh, yeah?  Well, Johnny Gage . . . ." Chet trailed off, at a loss.

"Never acts his age," Roy supplied with a small smile.

Johnny deliberately misconstrued the rhyme.  "I am remarkably mature for one of my tender years," he said modestly.

"Absolutely," Roy agreed, eyes twinkling.

"Michael Stoker," Johnny offered.

"Excels at poker."

"Captain Stanley?"

"Uh . . . is strong and manly."

"Is strong and manly?" Johnny teased.

"Hey, it rhymes."

"You have a problem with that?" Cap demanded.  "Because, personally, I kind of like it."

"Oh, no, Cap!  No problem at all!  Fits you perfectly!"

"Marco Lopez," Marco prompted.

"Always does what he says," Roy said.

Johnny slapped him on the shoulder.  "My pal Roy/ is a clever boy!"

They were still laughing when the tones sounded, sending the entire station off to a structure fire.

* * * *

Two hours later they returned.  Chet rode in the back of the Ward LaFrance, up on the hoses, looking miserable.  The engine hung back in the road while Roy backed the squad into place, and then he and Johnny got out and ran to the kitchen carrying brown paper bags.

Mike backed the engine in and Chet jumped down.  Cap, Mike and Marco waited in the cab as Roy and Johnny, faces grim, appeared in the kitchen doorway.  Each carried three large cans.  Chet started towards them and both men backed away.

Johnny held up one hand in warning.  "Stay there!" he commanded.  "Don't come any closer.  I mean it!"

One by one they rolled the cans across to him, as if they were Bowling for Chesters.

Cap jumped down, keeping well back.  "Hit the shower," he said.  "Then clean the latrine.  Then take another shower.  Then . . . " he hesitated, considering.  "Then go outside and stay there until we tell you otherwise."

Chet sighed, managed to gather up four of the cans, and headed for the latrine, kicking the other two cans ahead of him.

Leaving the front bay door open, they opened the back door as well, allowing a strong breeze to flow through the station.

"Better open the kitchen and dorm windows, too," Marco suggested.

"I'm not going in the dorm," Johnny objected.  "It's too close to the latrine, where Chet is!"

"I'll do it," Roy volunteered.  He pulled his shirttail out and used it to cover his mouth and nose.  He ran into the dorm and opened the windows as quickly as he could, but he was still coughing and choking by the time he got back to the bay.  In the kitchen he found the windows open and the back door propped wide.  The other four firefighters were gathered around the table, re-reading Chet's masterpiece.

"Chester the Mighty Fireman," Johnny said, disgusted.

"Well, there's certainly a story there."  Roy's voice was wry.

"Oh, there's a story there all right.  It just wouldn't be polite to tell it in mixed company."

"I don't know.  You know, I think maybe Chet's kids' book has promise."  The other four firefighters looked at Roy like he was crazy.  "Not as it is," he clarified.  "It just needs to be touched up a little.  You know?  Edited."

Cap looked around at his men and started to grin.  "So . . . who's got a red pencil?"

* * * *

"Station 51 A-shift," Chief McConnikee said from the platform at the fire department's fall picnic.

"Uh, oh!"  Chet looked around at his shift mates in alarm.  "Why'd he call us?  We didn't enter the talent contest.  Man, we got nothing!   We're gonna be a laughingstock.  What are we gonna do?"

Strangely, none of the other five men seemed perturbed.  The climbed up on the stage, Marco getting Chet's arm and dragging him along when he would have held back.  Johnny got a single chair and set it in the middle front of the stage while Roy, Mike and Marco set up three microphones, one at each side of the stage and one behind the chair.  Then Roy and Johnny went to stand on the left side of the stage and Mike and Marco retired to the right side.  Cap remained in the middle with Chet.

Cap picked up the center microphone and spoke into it, even though he was directing his words to Chet.

"Actually, Chet, we do have something sort of planned out.  We thought we'd make it a surprise for you.  You see, what we have in mind is sort of like a poetry reading."

"A poetry reading?"

"Uh, well, sorta.  See, we thought the rest of the department would be real interested to know we have an actual author on our shift, so we figured we'd read Chester the Mighty Fireman to them."

"Oh!  Yeah?  Well, that's real cool, Cap.  I'd be happy to read them my story!"

"No, no!  We don't want you to read it.  You see, if you read it, that'd kind of be like bragging.  Whereas, letting us read it, it's more like a . . ."  He fished for a word.

"Homage," Roy offered from his side of the stage.

'That's it!  A homage."

"Cool.  So, um, what do you want me to do?"

"I just want you to sit here, in the place of honor, and, uh, try to look literate."

"Literate. Right.  In the place of honor.  Got it!"

"Now, I should mention," Cap turned to include the audience in what he was saying, "I should mention that we did do a little bit of editing on it."

"Editing?"

"Yeah, you know.  Spelling, grammar, punctuation."

"Fact," Mike added grimly.

"And we made it rhyme," Johnny put in.

"Wow!  You did all that?  That's really nice of you.  And I just want you all to know that when I'm rich and famous, I won't forget all you little people.  I'll mention you in the front of the book even, and I'll make sure you can get all the copies you want, uh, at a nice discount."

"You're too kind," Cap said drily.  "Sit."

Chet sat and Cap turned to the audience.  "Chester the Mighty Fireman," he announced.  "By Chester B. Kelly, with a little help from the rest of 51's A-shift.  And, ladies and gentlemen, the story you are about to hear is entirely true, and it all happened on a single call!"

Roy began:

"The mighty fireman, Chester B.
Was as mighty as ever a fireman could be.
He lived and he worked near the beautiful sea
In Carson, California."

Johnny picked up the story.

"He worked at station 51
And there he had a lot of fun
Shooting his friends with a water gun
He'd never even warn ya."

Cap took over the next bit.

"He polished the engine and filled the tanks
And annoyed his friends with silly pranks."

Then it was Marco's turn:

"One day the tones rang, loud and clear.
'Hurry!  Hurry!  The fire is near!
All the firemen grabbed their gear,
And with sirens hurried to it"

Then Mike:

"The engine and squad were shiny red.
'Come on, fellows!' the captain said,
'These folks think the fire is getting ahead.
Let's show them how we do it!"

Cap:

"Then Chester the Mighty, showing his class,
Slipped in a puddle and fell on his ass."

Roy:

"Gage said, 'Look!  Chet's going down!
With any luck, perhaps he'll drown.'
Cap hollered, 'Kelly!  Get up, you clown!
Go up on top and vent this!"

Johnny:

"So Chet and Marco went up on top
And vented the roof with a chop! Chop! Chop!
And Chet said, 'a new dance!  It's the Fireman's Hop!
I think I'll have to invent this!'"

Cap:

"Then the mighty fireman, Chester B.
Fell off the roof and got stuck in a tree."

Marco:

"Roy and Johnny then climbed up to get him,
Even though Gage said, 'I think we should let him
Stay there forever and try to forget him!'
Chet was glad to be back on the ground!"

Mike:

"An hysterical woman came up on the run,
Screaming, 'somebody save him!  My poor little son!
I left him alone!  Oh, no!  What have I done?'
The firemen did not hang around!

Cap:

"The brave paramedics took off in a flash
To rescue the boy from the fire and ash!"

Roy:

"Johnny and Roy,
To the mother's great joy
Came out with the boy
With just a smudge on his nose."

Johnny:

"The mother sobbed, 'honey!'
As Chester said, 'Sonny,
Wanna see something funny?
Check out this big hose!'"

Cap:

"'I've got a hose too,' said the boy, 'wanna see?'
Then he took out his hose and on Chester did pee."

"And not just a little bit, either," Chet told the audience indignantly.  "I mean, they shoulda left him in there!  Kid coulda put the fire out all by himself!"  He had figured out early on that he was going to get a ribbing and he was taking it good-naturedly.

Marco carried on the story:

"We all just stared at where Chester stood
And pointed and laughed like you knew we would.
Then we got out the reel line and hosed him down good.
What a day he was having!  Wow!"

Mike:

"When the fire was out, Cap said, "we're all set."
But Mike glanced around, "no, we can't leave yet!
I've looked everywhere and I can't find Chet.
What is that clown doing now?"

Cap:

"In the neighbor's yard our Chester was found,
Stretched out flat on the muddy ground."

Roy:

"He said, "there's a kitty trapped under this house!
It must have crawled in there in search of a mouse.
If I didn't save it, I'd feel like a louse!
Please, Cap!  Let me do this good deed?"

Johnny:

"He wedged himself into the tight little space,
And I must say that Chet's heart was in the right place.
What a shame that the same can't be said of his face.
For there wasn't a cat to be freed."

Cap:

"Yes, alas for poor Chet!  All was not as he'd thunk.
The 'poor little kitty' was really a skunk!"

The audience was in hysterics.  Johnny glanced out at Roy's wife curled up in her chair holding her sides.  "I hope you remembered to give Jo a pantyliner warning," he said in an aside.

"I got her covered," Roy assured him.

Marco:

"At 51s it's a pretty sure bet,
If someone's in trouble it's bound to be Chet.
But there's a reason we haven't killed him yet,
Though, at times, I'll admit it's been tempting."

Mike:

"With pranks and jokes and silly things,
Sometimes relief from boredom he brings,
And sometimes a reprieve from more serious things,
Griefs and sorrows pre-empting."

Mike and Marco and Roy and Johnny, carrying their microphones, moved in to stand around the chair with Cap.  Together they finished out the story.

"You always make us laugh, you see.
That's why you're our hero, Chester B.!"

The End.

 

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