Only Shades of Gray

"Only Shades of Gray"

Thursday, January 4, 1973

Mike Stoker turned the light off in the kitchen and started out into the apparatus room and back toward his bunk. He was relatively certain that the warm milk was going to do nothing to help him sleep. Past experience had already taught him that, but he had to try something. This had been a difficult shift for him, not for the calls they had made, but simply for the time of year that it was.

Wednesday had been a relatively calm day for both the engine and the squad. Although things had been quiet, he had chosen to try and keep busy. He needed to keep his mind on other things. He had been even more quiet than usual, and by extension his shift mates were concerned that something was wrong. Each man had approached him at some point during the day to lend an ear or whatever it was that he might need. Even Chet had been less of a nuisance than usual. Their concern was most appreciated, but he just did not feel like trying to explain what was going through his head, the mixture of emotions that would not allow him the peace that he so desperately desired.

After supper, when the dishes were done and the kitchen cleaned, it was time to take a load off and get comfortable for watching whatever was on television for however long they could. Mike opted for one more cup of coffee as his friends pulled the chairs around the other end of the room and hoped to be able to watch just one 30-minute program without being toned out. Usually it was Chet and Johnny who did the discussing of the TV schedule; the discussing was more arguing than anything. They never seemed to be in agreement on what to watch, usually not asking the rest of the crew their preferences. However, on Wednesday evenings there was no discussion as they all enjoyed Adam-12. Seldom did they get to watch without interruption anyway.

Mike stood by the counter sipping his coffee and watching the display on the other end of the room. There was almost always some kind of banter between Johnny and Chet no matter what, and tonight was no different. Marco would try to be the peacemaker and encourage them to settle down so they could enjoy their show. It always ended up with Roy then being a bit more subtle, telling them they should act more mature, followed by Hank finally telling them to just shut up. The corners of Mike's mouth turned up ever so slightly into a faint smile as he enjoyed the scene before him even more than the television show. These guys, these five wonderfully brave, strong, and compassionate men, had become part of his family. They were brothers in every sense of the word, and he felt blessed to have them in his life.

He felt his chest tighten as the sudden tide of emotions that had been tugging at him the entire day began to surface. In the years past, his work schedule had always conveniently worked out that he was off on this day and the next. He knew that it would not be that way forever. It was four years ago to this day that he had received the news that he had passed the engineer's exam. It had been a big day for him, and he had been fortunate to be able to share in the special day with his shift mates at Station 69. Four years ago this night he had celebrated his achievement with his closest friends and could only imagine things getting better. Unfortunately, tragedy struck before the close of the shift and his life had never been the same since.

"Hey, Mike, you coming?" called out Marco from across the room.

He summoned all his strength to get his emotions in check. "I'm on my way," he answered, finishing his coffee and quickly washing out the cup.

When he approached his friends, he saw that his usual seat had been saved for him. Each man had his preferred seating and it stayed that way. The empty seat next to their captain was his usual place. As his fellow crew members became involved in the program on television, Mike's thoughts were elsewhere. He looked at each man sitting in the group.

As much as Chet Kelly could get on his last nerve at times, Mike thought of Chet as one of the best firefighters he had ever worked with. When it came to the work of firefighting, Chet was all business and would do whatever he could to protect all those involved.

Marco Lopez was always the one positive constant in each shift. Forever the optimist, his faith also made him the man that he was. No matter what the situation, they always knew that Marco would be praying to the man upstairs to watch over his friends and bring them all back safely. Along with Chet, Mike knew that Marco was one of the best linemen L. A. County ever had. They would always have your back.

Roy DeSoto was like Marco in many ways, yet quite different. He was the typical family man, a wife and two kids, a dog, and a mortgage. As one of the original group of six paramedics to complete training for the newly-adopted emergency medical treatment program, Roy was definitely who you wanted on your side in a medical emergency. Like everyone else in this crew, he was very serious about his job and did it to perfection.

John Gage… The youngest member of their crew was almost beyond description. Always the ladies' man, he never quite seemed to stay in a relationship long. He and Chet had a rather peculiar love/hate relationship at work, Chet always trying to pull a prank on Johnny with the younger man almost always letting Chet get the best of him. However, when it came to rescues, John Gage was the man you wanted there. Although Roy had a bit more experience as a paramedic than Johnny, it was the addition of the younger man that made them the best paramedic team in L. A. County. The two men had saved more lives in the few short years since the program had been in existence than some might have imagined. If only the paramedic program had started a year sooner…

Mike glanced to his right toward the A-Shift captain. Hank Stanley had been with the crew the least amount of time, but one would never know it by the interaction between the crew members. Like Roy, Hank was married with two children, and was a dedicated firefighter. He never asked anything of his men that he was not prepared to do himself. He always put his men before himself. In a short time he had also become the engineer's best friend. It had been years since Mike had allowed himself to have such a friendship again. He respected his captain, his friend, and was thankful to know him.

"Well, as always that was a really good episode," remarked Johnny as the end credits started to roll.

"Yep, that's one show that's always got a good story going on. There just aren't many good shows like that on TV anymore," Chet chimed in.

Mike had not even realized that the 30-mintue program had ended. He had been lost in his thoughts the entire time. Now that the show was over and everyone was going about other things until time for lights out, Mike once again went back to that night four years ago. He looked around the room at his friends, his shift mates, and felt a sudden knot form in his stomach. He could not bear to lose any of them. If anything was to happen to any of these men, he did not think he could handle it. Four years after his other loss, Mike had yet to truly move on and put the past to rest. Without a word, he quickly got up from his seat and started to exit the room.

Hank noted his engineer's sudden change in demeanor. "You okay, Mike?" After getting no response but instead watching his friend rush from the room, Hank took off after him.

"Is Mike sick or something, Cap?" asked Marco.

"I don't know. You guys go ahead and finish up in here. I'll go check on him," Hank called back over his shoulder as he headed out the door.

Heading toward the bunk room, Hank noticed the door heading out to the back of the station was open. He headed that way and immediately saw Mike near the hose tower, his head hung low. He slowly approached. "You okay?" he asked once again.

Mike took another deep breath and exhaled, trying to pull himself together. He was embarrassed at his lack of self control. As he tried to speak, nothing came out. A minute later he felt the comforting hand of his friend on his shoulder.

"Talk to me, Michael. You've been quieter than usual today and everyone's noticed it." As the words left his lips, a sudden realization hit him. "The four-year anniversary."

Mike blinked hard to stop the tears. He cleared his throat. "Yeah, in a few more hours it will be."

Hank wished he could say something to take away the pain he knew his younger friend was feeling. Instead of trying to find the right words, he just stood quietly beside his second in command and let him know that he was there for him. The old adage of 'time heals all wounds' just did not seem to apply in this situation. He could see that Mike's heart ached just as much now as it had four years ago. No one knew what Mike had gone through during that time but Mike himself, and it would have to be Mike who reached out for help.

Mike did not know how long he and his captain had stood outside in the chilled night air, but the silence was broken by the sound of the tones as they were being called to respond to a structure fire. All personal feelings were shoved to the back as he and Hank rushed back into the apparatus room and hopped onto the big red fire engine to do the job that they all did better than anyone else.

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After nearly two hours, the crew had returned to the station and took their turns getting cleaned up. It felt good to hit the sack, but Mike was unable to go to sleep. As quietly as he could, he had slipped into his bottom turnouts and made his way to the kitchen to give some warm milk a try. When the milk was finished and the glass washed, Mike turned out the light and headed back towards the bunk room. The only way to get to sleep without difficulty would be to turn off his mind, but that was not possible. Thus he would have to do the best he could. As he lay in bed, his weary mind did finally begin to shut down, and he fell into a restless sleep.

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The remainder of the night was quiet, and the tired firefighters were able to sleep through the night, being awakened on the dot by the wake-up tones. Hank raised himself up from the bed and noticed Mike's bunk was empty. He got dressed and made his way to the kitchen, hoping to find Mike before the others arrived. As he walked into the kitchen, the smell of freshly-brewed coffee filled his senses, but there was no sign of his engineer. Hank looked out the window and saw the man standing near the back wall. The sky was overcast with dark gray clouds everywhere. Surely rain was to follow at some point on this dreary January day. Debating whether or not to approach his friend, the choice was soon made for him as Mike turned and started to make his way back toward the building. By the time he walked in the door, the rest of the gang had gathered. He walked over to the coffee pot and poured himself a cup of the hot brew and leaned against the counter.

Hank had joined Roy at the table with his own cup. As he looked directly at Roy, there was no doubt in his mind that the senior paramedic was well aware of what the day was. He glanced over at the engineer who seemed to be a million miles away. Maybe he would invite Mike over for dinner. Ellie and the kids always enjoyed him coming over, and Ellie had actually told him before this shift to invite Mike over soon because she and the kids had not seen him since he visited during Christmas.

"Michael, I knew there was something I was supposed to ask you, but I just kept forgetting. I must be getting a bit senile," Hank said with a chuckle.

Never one to let an opening like that go, Chet chimed in. "A bit senile, Cap?"

Everyone laughed, everyone except Mike. Hank resumed. "Anyway, as I was saying before Chester B. gave his input into my mental status, Ellie wanted me to invite you over for dinner tonight. She said to remind you it's been nearly two weeks since she and the kids have seen you. Any other plans?"

Hank and Roy watched Mike as Marco, Johnny, and Chet chattered on about something they had planned for their day off. Mike looked up from his cup and replied. "No plans. Sure, I'd like that." With those words, Mike finished his coffee and washed out his cup. "I see B-Shift starting to filter in. I'm going to get my gear together." Mike exited the room.

Roy turned to Hank. "I get the feeling he's anxious to get out of here. This is always a really hard day for him."

"I know," came the quiet reply. "I'm glad he's coming for dinner. I don't think he should spend the whole day alone. He might want to talk and I want to be there if he does." Roy nodded his head in agreement.

Soon the replacement crew had arrived and was ready to take over. Station 51's A-Shift was ready to head home, Mike being the first to head for the door. Hank caught up with him in the parking lot.

"Ellie will probably have dinner ready around 6, but you can come over any time you get ready," he offered with a smile.

The engineer returned the smile, albeit a sad one. "Thanks, Hank. Tell Ellie and the kids I look forward to seeing them."

Hank wondered if he should offer to spend some time with his friend before dinner. "You want to grab some breakfast before heading home?"

Mike slowly nodded his head as he spoke. "No thanks. I do need to unwind a little before going home and getting a little shut-eye, but I kinda need to do something by myself."

Hank completely understood. He, too, would spend some time today reflecting on the past and was sure that Roy would as well. "Okay, buddy. Just remember, I'm around if you need me." He gave his friend a pat on the shoulder. "I'll see you tonight for supper."

"You bet," Mike answered as he headed for his truck.

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Upon leaving the station, Mike headed for one of his most favorite spots to spend some quiet time. The clouds still threatened rain with the growing shades of gray filling the morning sky. The beach was deserted; after all, it was only a few days after the New Year. He made his way over to a particular location near a large outcropping of rocks. Over the years he had spent many hours perched here, watching the ocean waves as they sloshed back and forth, the soothing sounds filling his ears and his mind. He closed his eyes briefly and thought back to his childhood and the many times he and his best friend had spent here enjoying the deep blue ocean. But today, this special day, the water looked just as gray as the sky, making the entire area look like one massive gray canvas.

Mike opened his eyes and looked out at the ocean and the pier off in the distance. A tear finally managed to fight its way through and escaped down his cheek.

"I'm sorry, my friend," he said softly, his voice filled with emotion. "I miss you so much. I've tried to be the best engineer I could be. Wherever you are, I hope I've made you proud. I'll never forget you."

He closed his eyes again and felt the light mist from the ocean against his skin, soon followed by a light drizzle falling from the sky. Mike wrapped his arms around his knees. As he sat there, he tried to remember more of the good times than the sad ones that had been weighing heavy on his heart for the past 24 hours. The pain was supposed to lessen with time, or at least that is what he had been told, but in his case it seemed to increase. He could only pray that one day soon God would help him to heal his broken heart and live a life that his friend would have wanted for him.

The End

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August Picture 2008 Stories by Doc Sara