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Disclaimer: We all know they belong to Mark VII Limited and Universal Television, but it doesn't hurt to dream.
Spoiler: There's a tiny reference to one of my previous fics, Too Much Help.
Acknowledgements: Thanks to Izzy for the beta, and for encouraging me to make fun of my family once again.
Author’s notes: A culinary ritual, a home remedy and the chaos of visiting relatives provided the inspiration for this bit of fun. I am SO dead.
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After an extremely exhausting shift, the men slumped in their chairs around the kitchen table, barely able to summon the energy required to consume their coffee. In twenty minutes they would be officially off-duty, and the fatigued men silently prayed the tones wouldn't sound before they could be relieved of their responsibilities.
Chet looked at his watch again and sighed. "I can't wait to get home. I'm going straight to bed and sleep for the rest of the day. What are you guys doing this weekend?"
Roy groaned. "Joanne has been working on a list for me all week. I'm almost tempted to ask for some overtime so I can get some rest."
"Oh, come on. It can't be that bad."
"I'm not kidding! The last time I checked, she wanted me to clean out the gutters, mulch the flower beds, fix some loose boards on the fence, organize the tool shed, install a new garbage disposal, put some shelves up in Jenny's room...and that's all I can remember!"
"Maybe I can come over and help," Captain Stanley offered. "My in-laws are coming over for a visit and I'd love to get out of the house."
Mike raised his eyebrow. "Wouldn't your wife be upset with you?"
"Yeah, I suppose she'd make me miserable a lot longer than a weekend of in-laws possibly could."
"What about you, Mike?" Roy prompted.
"I'm going to look at new cars. Lately I've been spending so much money on repairs, I figure a monthly car note would be cheaper. Anyway, I'm thinking about buying a truck this time, but I haven't made up my mind yet."
Puffing his chest out, Chet announced, "Well, I have a hot date on Saturday night."
Johnny shot his colleague a look of utter annoyance. "No way. What girl would be crazy enough to go out with you?"
"Remember that tall blonde chick that hung around while we were cleaning up after the warehouse fire?"
"Chet, don't tell me you've gotten so desperate you're hitting on women at fire scenes!"
"She asked me out!" Chet sputtered defensively.
The younger paramedic appeared genuinely perplexed. "Did I miss a weather bulletin?"
Not understanding the apparent non sequitur, Mike repeated, "Weather bulletin?"
"Yeah, did Hell just freeze over?"
"Gage, if you're such a ladies' man, who are you going out with this weekend?" the stocky firefighter challenged.
"Uh...I don't exactly have anything planned," Johnny admitted.
"Aha! That new nurse in the ER wouldn't give you her phone number, would she?"
"Shut up, Chet."
Anxious to redirect the conversation, Cap said, "Marco, what about you? Do you have any big plans?"
"I'm going to Mama's tomorrow to baby-sit. They're going to make homemade tamales and need some help to keep the little ones out of the way for a few hours."
"Ooh," Johnny blissfully moaned. "Tamales."
Marco's eyes immediately lit up. "Johnny, why don't you come with me? My brother Jorge was supposed to help me watch the kids, but his boss changed his schedule. I'd really appreciate an extra pair of hands, and I'm sure Mama would send you home with a nice care package."
Rubbing his chin, Johnny hesitated. "I don't know Marco. The last time I did you a favor and agreed to attend your cousin's quinceañera, your family scared the daylights out of me with their heavy-handed matchmaking attempts. I thought I was going to be a married man with half a dozen babies before we managed to get away."
"But there won't be any single women there. It will only be Mama, one of my sisters, a sister-in-law, two cousins and an aunt. Trust me, they'll be so busy in the kitchen, cooking and talking, they'll hardly notice you're there."
"So you can guarantee I'll have nothing to worry about?"
"Absolutely," Marco promised. "It will be a piece of cake."
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There were already several cars parked in front of the Lopez house when the two firefighters arrived. Half a dozen children were playing in the yard with a small scruffy dog, but the moment the men exited the vehicle, Marco was immediately the center of attention.
"Tio Marco! You're finally here!" a girl in a pink dress squealed.
Another girl shyly clung to her uncle and pointed to the stranger. "Who's that?"
Gently squeezing her shoulders, he answered, "That's Johnny. He's going to help me baby-sit while your mommies cook."
A boy with disheveled hair approached the paramedic. "I'm Rogelio. Do you like fútbol?"
Grinning, Johnny replied, "Yeah."
The youngster smiled. "Cool. Maybe we can play a game later."
"That would be great."
"Come on," Marco prodded. "We need to let Mama know we're here."
A heavenly aroma drifted from the house, and Johnny inhaled deeply. "That smells wonderful."
"They've already cooked the meat. Now they have to pull it off the bone, shred it, mix it with spices, make the masa mix...it's going to be a few hours before the tamales are ready. It's a very time consuming process." Marco pushed the door open, revealing several children scattered about the television, deeply engrossed in a cartoon.
Johnny's head jerked back toward the front yard. One, two, three, four...
Seeing his friend's distressed expression, Marco laughed. "In case you're wondering, there are thirteen in all."
"Thirteen?"
"I guess I should have mentioned that."
"You guess?" Johnny frowned. What had he gotten himself into this time?
"Only four are in diapers," Marco offered contritely, "and the older kids are used to helping out with the younger ones. It won't be that bad."
"I dunno, Marco. Thirteen doesn't seem like a very lucky number."
Before he had a chance to respond, Mrs. Lopez rushed over to greet them. "Marco, thank you for coming today. The niños are already getting restless and can't wait to dip tortillas into the skull when we're finished removing the meat."
"Skull?" Johnny asked with a blank expression.
Mrs. Lopez gave the hapless visitor a hearty bear hug. "It's so good to see you again, Johnny! We really appreciate you helping Marco with the children. The girls and I can work much faster without having them constantly underfoot. As you can see, we still have a lot of work to do." She gestured toward the area where several women were busily plucking meat off of...
Johnny swallowed convulsively. "What is that?"
"The hog heads? We're going to use the meat for the tamales."
Venturing a second look, Johnny stared at the spectacle. Two misshapen animal heads rested on the table. The snouts were deformed, the jaws grossly out of alignment and the ears were reduced to gristle. Most disturbingly, the empty eye sockets appeared to mock him. Partially stripped of flesh and muscle, the heads were absolutely gruesome. The props in Chet's favorite cheesy horror movies paled in comparison to the ghastly scene. To Johnny's chagrin, his medical experience and detachment quickly abandoned him, and he felt an all too familiar and humiliating sensation. He unsuccessfully attempted to appear nonchalant as he covered his mouth with the back of his hand.
Sensing his friend's distress, Marco promptly guided Johnny down the hall to the bathroom, where the paramedic proceeded to lose his meager breakfast. In a feeble attempt to regain his composure and self-respect, he rinsed his mouth and splashed cool water on his face. Cursing himself for his foolish reaction, Johnny cautiously opened the door.
"Are you okay?" Marco asked.
"Yeah, I'm more embarrassed than anything. I mean...I'm used to seeing blood and stuff from trauma, but the eye sockets kind of got to me. It's weird having food stare back at you."
"I never thought about it like that before. The sockets were always my favorite part because the juice collects..."
The uneasy feeling in Johnny's stomach returned. "Marco, please! Can we talk about something else?"
"Sorry about that. Let's go out front. The kids are probably dying to play a game."
Along the way, Marco collected the other children and ushered them outside. Rogelio was kicking a black and white ball with his foot. He beamed when he saw Johnny. "Are you ready for a game?"
"Sure, where's the football?"
The boy pointed to the ball at his feet. "Right here."
Marco laughed at his friend's bewilderment. "He wants to play fútbol. That's what soccer is called in Spanish."
"Oh. I don't know how to play," Johnny said.
"It's easy," Eduardo explained. "Your team scores a point every time it makes a goal, but you can only use your feet or head to move the ball."
"No hands?"
"Nope."
"This shouldn't be too difficult," thought Johnny. The children made it appear so easy and inviting. He simply needed to get the hang of it. Forty minutes later, Johnny was enjoying himself immensely, and even got brave enough to try hitting the ball with his head a few times. Glancing at the porch, he observed the smaller children eagerly cheering both teams. He was about to wave at one of the girls when he felt something strike him on the right side of his face with considerable force.
"Señor Johnny!" Consuela shrieked. "Are you okay?"
Dazed, Johnny mutely nodded.
Holding a baby on his hip, Marco ran over to survey the damage. "Your eye is already starting to swell. Pablo, go in the house and ask for some ice wrapped in a towel." Turning his attention to Johnny, he guided his injured friend to a bench under the massive shade tree. Soon the boy raced across the yard to present the requested item.
"Go ahead and finish your game," Marco instructed. "Johnny and I will watch from here."
The ice felt soothing to his aching face. Johnny was almost feeling human again when he felt a sharp pain on his right ankle. "Ouch!" He rolled his sock down to determine the source of the pain. "Oh, man. I don't believe this!"
Marco leaned forward to inspect the damage. "What happened?"
"I got bitten by a bunch of stupid fire ants."
"Do I need to take you to the hospital?"
"Nah," Johnny responded dejectedly. "I've never had a severe reaction from this type of bite before, so I'm sure I'll be okay. But my foot sure stings like crazy."
The Hispanic man was clearly skeptical. "I don't know, Johnny. It's really red and puffy."
"I suppose it wouldn't hurt to apply some corticosteroid cream if you have any."
"Aren't you also supposed to take an antihistamine?"
Johnny smiled at his colleague's concern. "Sometimes, but I'm sure it will be fine."
"No offense, but you always say that," Marco chided. "I'm going inside to get you some cream and Benadryl capsules. Go sit on the porch and stay out of trouble for a few minutes."
With the makeshift ice pack firmly pressed against his face, and his right sock pulled down to expose his latest indignity, Johnny seated himself on the steps. He briefly closed his eyes and massaged the tightening muscles in his neck. Thus, he was too preoccupied to notice the small dog sniffing his leg. He was startled to alertness when the children erupted into explosive laughter. Suddenly he became aware of a very warm, wet sensation on his leg. "Oh, man! I don't believe this!"
Returning with the medications in hand, Marco surveyed the source of the children's amusement. "What happened this time?"
"The dog peed on my leg! Can you believe it? It's not bad enough I got bitten by fire ants. I had to be mistaken for a fire hydrant too!"
"Gee, I always thought Chet was built more like a fire plug."
"You're missing the point," an exasperated Johnny whined. "I feel like a walking disaster magnet this morning."
"Why would today be different than any other day?" Marco mumbled under his breath. Raising his voice to an audible level, he said, "So, are you going to live?"
The paramedic grinned as he considered this latest development. "I hate to admit this, but my ankle doesn't itch nearly as much as it did before. Maybe I've accidentally stumbled upon a new treatment protocol for ant bites. Oh, man. What if we were in the field treating a patient, and Dr. Brackett authorized us to 'irrigate the affected area with urine?' That would be a scream. But there's absolutely no way I'd be willing to unzip my pants and personally perform the procedure. I'd prefer to let Roy run those calls."
"Roy? I wonder how many more shades of red he can possibly turn when he gets embarrassed? I believe it was eleven the last time I counted," Marco grinned evilly. Thrusting a glass of water and a couple of capsules at Johnny, he tried to assume a more serious tone. "Here, take these and then go to the bathroom to clean up while I go to my car. I think I have some stuff in my duffel bag you might be able to wear. Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Here's the cream for your foot, assuming you are still open to more conventional treatments."
Johnny gratefully accepted the proffered items. "Thanks, Marco. But don't you dare say a word about this to anyone at the station, especially Chet. I'd never hear the end of it."
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Feeling like a new man, Johnny opened the screen door. Hopefully his luck would change now that he was differently attired. Perhaps the dark cloud following him all day wouldn't recognize him anymore. The women in the kitchen certainly did a double take as he passed by. Their mouths gaped open, and their eyes widened in surprise and delight. The tank top emphasized
Johnny's muscular arms and shoulders, and the jogging shorts...well, the women found them flattering too.
Contently settled in the porch swing, Marco took a long sip of his Kool-Aid. The girls were singing songs in Spanish to the toddlers, and the boys were playing dodge ball against the side of the house. Johnny was tempted to join the boys in their energetic game, but decided for once in his life he'd play it safe and simply observe. On the other hand, he felt unable to participate in the girls' activities, so he picked up a crawling baby and sat down beside Marco.
"I'm trying to keep them away from the ant mound," Marco informed him. "I'm going to come back tomorrow with some chemicals to kill the ants. I hope there aren't any more anthills. I'd hate to keep everyone inside all day."
The sedating effect of the Benadryl and the gentle rocking motion of the swing were making it almost impossible for Johnny to stay awake. Fortunately, the sound of sniffles caught his attention and nudged him back to a more conscious state. In the periphery of his vision he noticed Rosa and Maria Luisa wiping their noses on their sleeves. He pleaded, "Don't do that! That's what tissues are for."
Maria Luisa shrugged her shoulders. "There aren't any left in the bathroom."
Slowly rising to his feet, Johnny disappeared into the house. A couple of minutes later he returned bearing two rolls of toilet paper. "Your grandma said she's out of Kleenex, so you're going to have to use this instead."
The children each accepted a roll and began tearing strips of paper. Satisfied a minor crisis had been solved, Johnny tried to comfort the crying toddler in his arms. "What's the matter, little guy?" A brief sniff told him everything he needed to know. "Ah, Marco. Where are the diapers?"
"They're in the front bedroom. I'll go with you. Elena probably needs to be changed too."
Upon completing their tasks, the men prepared to resume their posts. The children were unnaturally quiet, causing Marco to immediately become suspicious. He jerked the front door wide open, and was greeted by the first sign of trouble: toilet paper hanging from the roof, billowing in the breeze.
"What's going on?" Marco demanded.
It was obvious one of the girls couldn't wait to get a sibling in trouble. "Juan, Rubén and Pablo wanted to see how far a roll of toilet paper would go, so they climbed up on the roof and tried to throw it down the street."
"Dios Mio!" Marco growled. "Are they still on the roof?"
"Yes, and now they're too scared to get down!"
"How did they get up there in the first place?"
The pony-tailed girl excitedly showed them how the boys managed to find themselves in their current predicament.
Assessing the situation, Johnny asked Marco, "Does your mom have a ladder?"
Muttering in frustration, Marco answered, "Hang on. I'll get it for you."
Soon Johnny was on the roof, coaxing the frightened youngsters to relinquish their grip on the chimney. He had barely handed the third child to Marco when a shingle gave way. Instinctively he reached for anything within reach to stop his fall, but his efforts were in vain. Johnny felt he was on a bad amusement park ride as he slid down the roof, badly scraping his back, arms and legs. When he reached the edge, his left foot caught in the gutter. Unfortunately, Johnny's body maintained its forward momentum, twisting his ankle during the awkward descent to terra firma. A loud crash ensued as Johnny bounced off a trashcan before landing in the thick grass. Lying in a field of garbage debris, he was a pitiful sight to behold.
Marco gasped. "Johnny, are you all right?"
The paramedic gingerly flexed his arms and legs. "I think so. Did you know it's not the fall that kills you? It's the sudden stop that does you in." Still sprawled on the ground, Johnny inexplicably started laughing.
"What's so funny?"
"I think I found another mound of fire ants."
His friend shook his head in disbelief. While helping Johnny to his feet, Marco considered his options. "I think we should keep the kids inside. There's no telling how many anthills are in the yard. I don't want anyone else getting bitten."
Johnny grimaced at the prospect of being housebound with thirteen children, as well as the discomfort of his bumps, bruises and newly acquired bites. "Won't the kids go stir-crazy being cooped up?"
Before Marco could reply, Consuela raced over to the handsome guest. "Señor Johnny! You were so brave!" she said as she gazed at him adoringly.
"You're hurt!" Rosa proclaimed.
"It's okay," Maria Luisa soothed. "We're going to take good care of you."
The children anxiously followed the injured man into the house and promptly assumed management of his care.
"Lie down on the couch," Teresita commanded. "Rubén, go get Abuelita's first aid kit from the bathroom and a couple of pillows from the back room."
"I'll get some ice packs," Eduardo volunteered.
"He'll need soap and water to wash the blood off the cuts," Maria Luisa sagely stated. "I'll get a bowl of soapy water and some washcloths."
"Don't forget the antiseptic spray and antibiotic ointment!" Pablo shouted.
Johnny smiled at Marco. "Looks like your nieces and nephews are born paramedics."
Marco shrugged his shoulders. "Like I said earlier, the older kids are used to taking care of the younger ones. They're used to taking charge."
Splaying his abraded hand across his chest, Johnny asked, "Are you implying I act like a little kid?"
"What do you think?"
The conversation was mercifully cut short when the children arrived with their medical paraphernalia. They promptly went to work, cleaning and dressing the wounds. Since they didn't feel comfortable wrapping Johnny's foot with an ACE bandage, that honor fell to Marco. The children watched in fascination.
"There's another bandage in the kit. Can you show us how to do that?" Rubén begged.
"Johnny, this is your area of expertise," Marco hinted. Addressing the children, he said, "Did you know Johnny is a paramedic?"
Teresita was confused. "What does that mean?"
"That means he helps sick and injured people."
Pablo considered this revelation. "But I thought he was a fireman like you."
"He is. Sometimes he helps put out fires like I do, but mostly he helps people who are sick or hurt until he can get them to the hospital."
"Señor Johnny, have you ever delivered a baby like they show on TV?" Maria Luisa inquired.
"Yes I have, and it's a great feeling to help bring a baby into the world."
"Oh wow! That must be wonderful!" Consuela replied dreamily.
Rubén asked, "What else do you do?"
"Let's see." He didn't want to go into the gory life and death details with his young audience. Trying to accentuate the positive aspects, he answered, "I help get people out of dangerous situations, and give them drugs to make them feel better, but only with a doctor's permission, and sometimes I apply splints if someone might have broken an arm or a leg. Then we ride to the hospital in an ambulance."
It was obvious the children were rapidly becoming interested in Johnny's occupation. "Can you show us how to splint a broken bone?" Rogelio pleaded.
"I don't have the proper supplies to do that." But once he saw their crestfallen faces, he immediately came up with an alternative. "I'll tell you what. If you can bring me a couple of towels and a sheet, I can show you some basic first aid procedures."
Eduardo scurried to the linen closet and obtained the required items. Handing them to Johnny, the children enthusiastically waited for the lesson to begin.
The two firefighters smiled at each other. Johnny's misfortunes had solved their dilemma. The housebound children were going to be entertained for quite awhile.
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The men of A-Shift gathered in the day room, comparing notes about their weekend. Roy weaseled out of most of his assigned chores by taking Joanne out to a romantic dinner, Cap's visit with his in-laws went better than expected and Mike found a Ford Bronco he was interesting in buying. Chet grumbled that his date dumped him when he showed up at her apartment to pick her up. Apparently she didn't find him as charming and heroic without his uniform.
Feeling depressed, Chet nudged his favorite pigeon. "You're awfully quiet. How did your weekend go?"
"Uh, I survived."
"That's right, you were supposed to help Marco baby-sit his nieces and nephews. I bet that was interesting."
Marco tried, albeit unsuccessfully, to suppress a smile. "It was challenging. There were a few more kids than Johnny expected."
The spirits of Johnny's nemesis perked up. "How many were there?"
"Thirteen!" Johnny wailed. "Does that give you a hint as to how my day went?"
The men laughed at the hapless paramedic.
Chet couldn't resist. "Thirteen, huh? So are you telling us you got a black eye from a little girl?"
Gently touching his face, Johnny replied, "No, that was from a soccer ball."
"How did you hurt your ankle?" Roy asked.
"Huh?"
"I noticed you're favoring your right foot."
"I uh...slipped on a loose shingle and twisted my ankle."
Mike wrinkled his forehead. "What were you doing on the roof?"
"It started with the toilet paper," Johnny pathetically tried to explain.
Captain Stanley scratched his head. "What does toilet paper have to do with being on the roof?"
"You had to be there." Johnny suddenly remembered the reason he agreed to help Marco in the first place. "I almost forgot! I brought tamales for breakfast. Mrs. Lopez gave me some for helping out with the kids."
Chet excitedly patted his stomach. "I love tamales. I could eat them everyday."
Dropping his jaw, Roy remarked, "I can't believe you're giving these away. With your famous appetite, I'm surprised you haven't wolfed these down by now."
"I wish I knew how to make them," Mike said almost wistfully.
Johnny shuddered. Images of the two boiled hog head carcasses with vacant eye sockets came rushing back.
"Are you okay, Pal?" Cap asked.
"Huh?"
"You look a little green. You're not coming down with something are you?"
"I do feel a bit queasy," Johnny admitted.
Seizing an opportunity, Chet teased, "Hey, Gage, does this mean your tummy can't handle spicy foods today, like tamales? 'Cause if it can't, I get dibs on yours."
A trademark crooked grin crept across the paramedic's features. "If you want to hog them, go right a head."
Chet eagerly removed the cornhusk from one of the delicacies and shoved the spicy treat into his mouth. Under the table, Johnny silently rubbed his hands together in glee. He'd tell the Phantom about how tamales are made later in the morning...after he made a pig of himself.
While everyone was focused on the unexpected breakfast bounty, Marco slipped a small package to Johnny. "By the way, this is for you."
"What is it?"
"Um...it's something I owe you."
Johnny cautiously peeled back the foil to reveal a slice of chocolate cake. "I don't understand."
Marco sheepishly smiled. "If you'll recall, I did promise you a 'piece of cake'."
finis
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