A Season and a Time

Page 2

Part 3: A Time to Keep Silence

“A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;

A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to seek, and a time to lose;

A time to keep, and a time to cast away;

A time to rend, and a time to sew;

A time to keep silence, and time to speak;

A time to love, and a time to hate;

A time of war, and a time of peace.“

Roy read the scripture verses aloud from the card for what felt like the hundredth time. Someone, he was not sure who, had handed it to him. He read the verses aloud to his partner hoping the other man could hear them. Sitting at his partner’s bedside Roy did not know how else he could convey to the unconscious man the will to live. He had talked to him until he was hoarse, but he didn’t even know if Johnny could hear him. Now he sat staring, willing the man in the bed to recover. Reaching out he took his partner’s hand in his own. Always thin, the hand was now almost emaciated, it felt dry but was reassuringly warm. At first he felt awkward holding the other man’s hand, but then he realized that the contact gave him as much comfort as he was trying to convey. He sat for a long time just holding his partner’s hand and willing him to live.

More frustrating than anything else was peoples’ reaction to Roy, himself. When he tried to voice his guilt and his concern, they brushed him off. They didn’t even try to listen to him or understand where he was coming from. They simply told him how he should feel and turned the subject. Now thinking back he realized he had done much the same thing to Johnny. Not knowing what to say and letting his own hurt at seeing his partner and friend in pain, he had brushed the other man‘s feelings aside. He now realized, probably too late, that he should have kept his mouth closed and listened whether he fully understood his friend’s concerns or not. He should have at least made an effort to try and understand.

A time to keep silence, and time to speak.

The words echoed through his mind once more. A time to keep silence, a time to keep your mouth shut and listen. He could only hope he would be given another chance to do that for his partner.

“Roy?” Dr. Early stood beside the bed patiently waiting for Roy to acknowledge him. Looking up at the doctor, Roy came slowly out of his reverie and recognition dawned in his eyes.

“Hey, Doc.”

“Roy, could I have a word with you…outside?”

Puzzled by the expression on the doctor’s face and the request, Roy stood. “Sure, Doc.”

Following the doctor out into the corridor he saw Cap and Mike approaching from the elevator. Both were dressed in street clothes and Roy knew they had come to visit Johnny. They approached Roy and Dr. Early, greeting them.

“How’s he doing?” Captain Stanley asked indicating Johnny’s room with a nod of his head.

“He’s still about the same, holding his own, no better, no worse,” Dr. Early replied. “I was just going to ask Roy a question, maybe one of you’ll know the answer if he doesn’t.”

“What is it?”

“In the past few months, do you remember Johnny hitting his head? Even if he didn’t break the skin or need care for it.”

“No, not that I know of.” Roy scrunched up his forehead trying to remember. The other two men shook their heads.

“Oh, wait,” Mike said suddenly. “That day he rescued the woman you thought was going to jump. They fell off the ledge and Johnny’s helmet got knocked off. He might have hit his head then and not said any thing about it.”

“That’s true. Why do you ask, Dr. Early?” Roy turned to the doctor.

“Because, we found evidence that he had a brain injury prior to this one. You said that Johnny complained of pain as well as guilt. Maybe the pain was from that injury.”

“But what would that have to do with him wanting to jump off a roof?” Cap asked.

“Maybe nothing, maybe a lot. The injury caused a slow bleed in his head, which would cause a build up of pressure and pain. Also, the resulting brain chemistry changes could account for his extreme anger and depression. Either the death of his friend or the injury to his head he might have been able to handle, but both occurring at the same time, could have been a cocktail for suicide. As a matter of fact, I’m convinced it was.”

********

“Johnny, Jooohhhhnnnnyyyy,” he realized the voice had been calling him for some time. Looking around he tried to locate the source of the voice; it sounded vaguely familiar. “Can you come out and play?” Then he saw him; a very young Tommy stood there grinning at him. “Catch me if you can,” the boy taunted running away at top speed. Unable to resist the challenge, he followed. He was back in the neighborhood he had grown up in. Every inch of territory was familiar: as if he had never left. What was he thinking? Of course he had never left he was only ten. Where would he have gone? Reveling in the feeling of exhilaration he followed his friend.

After leading him around the neighborhood, Tommy turned and faced him, breathing hard. He stopped a few feet from him with his hands on his knees, breathing hard and laughing. Suddenly the smile faded from his friend’s face and he frowned at John. “You can’t stay here, it’s not your time.”

Puzzled at first, he stopped laughing and looked at his friend. Then he remembered. He was not ten years old and he did not live in this neighborhood anymore. And Tommy was dead. The old neighborhood faded around him.

In the now empty space he and his friend faced one another, Tommy now appeared as he had last seen him.

“What do you mean it’s not my time?” he asked, anger surging up within him.

“We had great times in the old neighborhood, didn’t we?” the other man asked, rather than answering the question.

“Yeah, we did. Why did you do it?” John refused to be distracted.

“Boy, I wish we’d never had to grow up.” Tom shook his head, then looked John in the eye. “It wasn’t your fault.”

“Yes it was…if I had been there for you, been there to listen to you…”

“Johnny, I wasn’t right in my head…it wasn’t your fault.”

“I know that. I just feel so responsible, surely I could have done something.”

“No, you couldn’t have.” Tommy’s face was set in sad lines now. “I used your not coming as an excuse, but if you had come I would have found another one. There was nothing anyone could have done to stop me. Not in the long run, I made up my mind I was going to jump and I did.”

“But…”

“No. We’re talking about you now, not me. What I did was wrong. Having to watch you and my mom…and all the others…I’ve realized that. I can’t go back and undo what I did. But you, you can go back.”

“Aren’t I dead?” Puzzled John looked at his surrounding. There was nothing for miles but what appeared to be clouds. “Aren’t I in heaven?”

“No, you’re not dead.” Tom shook his head the sadness deepening. “This is limbo. The place between life and death.”

“Limbo? Is this where you’ve been all this time?”

“Not the whole time, though I have spent a lot my time here. From here you can watch what’s going on down there. I’ve been doing a lot of watching.” Tom walked a few paces and pointed to a spot below him. “There’s your partner, Roy.”

“My former partner.” John shoved his hands into his pockets and hunched his shoulders feeling ashamed of how he had treated Roy in the recent past.

“Your partner and your best friend.” Tom reiterated his point. “Come watch this, you’ll see what I’m talking about.”

“I don’t know if I want to,” John replied sullenly.

“You must.” Tom insisted. “You have to know what you’ve done to them.”

Whether it was Tom’s words or his own morbid curiosity John would probably never know. Whichever it was he moved to stand beside the other man. He saw Roy sitting by his bedside. For a moment he was distracted at seeing his own body lying on the bed. It was the first time he had seen himself without looking in a mirror. The face looked familiar and yet totally different.

“Listen.” Tom insisted.

“To everything there is a season,

And a time to every purpose under the heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die;

A time to….”

Roy was reading from a card he held in his hand. The troubled look on his face tore at John’s heart. When Roy finished he picked up the hand that lay closets to him, the troubled look deepening.

“Do you see?” Tom moved a few paces and beckoned to John. Reluctantly he joined the other man looked down through the opening below him. Roy was outside the room talking with Dr. Early now. He watched as Captain Stanley and Mike joined the others. Somber looks showed on all their faces.

“So they’re sad. They’ll get over it.” John shrugged, trying to hold on to anger so as not to have to feel the shame and remorse seeing his friends like this was stirring up.

“Eventually. Maybe.” Tom moved several paces to another position and stood staring down into it, an expression of profound sadness on his face. Compelled by curiosity and the need to leave the scene below him behind, John moved over to where his friend stood. For several moments he stood looking into the distance trying to push down the feelings that were beginning to overwhelm him. Expecting to see another scene with his partner and the other men, John was startled when he saw JoAnne.

“Come on guys, we have to get going, we don’t want to be late.” JoAnne was dressed in the dress she had worn when they had gone to Easter services together. She clutched her handbag in one hand and a ball of white in the other. As she turned from the hallway back into the living room she reached up and dabbed at her eyes with the tissues clutched in her hand. Chris and Jenny appeared in the living room both sullen, dressed in their Easter outfits.

“I thought you were supposed to wear black to a funeral,” Chris groused.

“Not always. It’s not a requirement for attending a funeral.” JoAnne’s response was made while digging for something in her purse.

“Mom, where’s Dad, isn’t he going?” Jenny asked, her arms crossed before her an expression of belligerence on her face. “If he’s not going, I’m not.”

“He’s already gone. They wanted the pallbearers to get there early so they could get their instructions.”

“Why did he do it, Mom?” Chris burst out, speaking as if from deep anguish. “Why would he do it?”

“He didn’t. Dad told you already that he fell on his way down the stairs.”

“But why was he up there in the first place? Why?”

“I don’t know. We’ll probably never know for sure. The doctors think there was something wrong physically as well as emotionally.” Drawing Chris into a hug she reached for Jenny but was repulsed.

Though Jenny had entered her teen years recently she had remained the sweet girl John had always known.

Jenny was a lot like her mom, sunny tempered and tolerant of others. Now she was angry, even to the point of belligerence, not at all the girl he knew.

“I don’t want to go. This is stupid. I’ll never forgive him, never.” Jenny stamped her foot and glared at her mother.

“Jenny, we discussed this before. If you don’t want to go for Uncle Johnny, then go for your Dad. He needs us now.”

“He’s different. Uncle Johnny made him different. I’ll never forgive him, never,” she repeated.

“Sweetheart, this isn’t about forgiveness. This is about supporting your Dad.” JoAnne said sighing deeply. “Now let’s go, we’ll be late.”

As they left the house the scene closed. John stared at the spot where it had been for a long time trying to hold back the tears threatening to spill over onto his cheeks.

When he looked around to speak to Tom he found his friend a few paces away again looking into another scene. Knowing he wouldn’t like what he saw but compelled to look anyway he walked over to the spot where his friend stood and looked down into the scene.

Captain Stanley stood facing a coffin. Across from him was Captain Brown, a friend of John’s from academy days. Next to Stanley stood Roy facing Mike across the coffin. Next came Marco and Chet facing one another, next to them two firefighters he was well acquainted with. The coffin was being off loaded from a hearse and the eight men took its weight to carry it to the gravesite surrounded by people he knew.

None of the firefighters were in dress uniform; they were not in uniform at all. This was not a firefighter’s funeral. This was not a firefighter’s death. The coffin was placed over the grave. He couldn’t watch any more.

“They’ll be all right, won’t they?” He turned to Tom, anguished.

“No.” Tom shook his head. “They won’t any of them get over the senselessness of it.” He looked into his friend’s eye, his own holding profound sadness. “Oh, they’ll go on living, but they will never again be truly all right.”

“But, how do you know? Can you see the future? Besides you said I wasn’t dead. I’m not dead! Am I?” A sudden fear gripped him, if he was dead, then all was lost. There was nothing he could do.

“No you are not dead. I can see the future; that’s what we have been watching. The future you will create if you don’t go back and take up your life again.” Moving to yet another spot Tom beckoned to him. Having abandoned all resistance John walked over and looked down into the scene below. Rose sat at his bedside holding the card Roy had read from earlier.

“Listen to this John,” she said, tears streaming down her face. “…and a time to heal;” she quoted from the card.

“That’s what this is Johnny, your time to heal, not your time to die. Please, Johnny, hear this.”

Looking up at Tom, John knew what he was going to say. “It’s not your time to die.” He knew it was true, but still he was reluctant to return to his life.

“But if I go back will it really be different? Will I really feel any different than I did before? I mean you’ll still be dead…”

“John, I told you before. You bear no responsibility in my death. I would have found another excuse no matter what you did. I made my choice, now I have to deal with it. You have to make your choice. Now. You don’t have much time. Go back, live your life. If you want to make my death less painful, use it. Use it as your inspiration to help others. You can’t save everyone, but you can save so many. Go back, live your life. If you want to make it up to me, do this, now.” The pleading in his friend’s eyes was the final impetus John needed. He knew there was only one thing he could do. It wouldn’t be easy, but it was the right thing to do.

********

Rose sat at John’s bedside holding the card Roy had read from earlier.

“Listen to this John,” she said, tears streaming down her face. “…and a time to heal;” she quoted from the card.

“That’s what this is Johnny, your time to heal, not your time to die. Please, Johnny, hear this.” Rose took hold of John’s hand as she continued to plead silently. A surprised look came over her face when she felt John’s hand move in hers, squeezing her hand. Her eyes flew to his face, there was no change there, his eyes remained shut.

“Johnny can you hear me?” Another squeeze of her hand was her answer. Fumbling she reached for the call light and punched the button.

Within moments the door to the room opened and a nurse stepped inside.

“He squeezed my hand. He’s waking up!” Rose exclaimed when she saw the nurse.

Consciousness returned slowly but steadily from then on. John tried to hold on to the memory of his experience with Tom but in the end the memories faded until only the knowledge that Tom wanted him to live remained.

Within the week he was moved from ICU to the step-down ward and from there onto the floor. His progress once begun never faltered, but continued steadily if more slowly than he wished. Though at times he was frustrated by his slow progress, the doctors seemed delighted with it.

********

Roy was also delighted with his recovery and greatly relieved. The relief showed on his face as he entered the day room, returning from taking Dixie’s call in the Captain’s office.

“He’s all right?” Chet was the first to see him. “Johnny’s awake?”

“He’s waking up. The doctor’s think he’s going to make a full recovery.” The relief in Roy’s voice was almost palpable. Sitting down in a chair he breathed a sigh. Just then the klaxon’s sounded and he and Walt were called to a child down.

Walt was as skilled a paramedic as they came, but he when it came to treating kids Roy had noticed he was more distressed than anyone Roy had worked with before. Roy put it down to a father’s natural instinct to protect. Now as they headed for the accident scene he sent a sideways glance at his partner and saw that he was chewing his thumbnail. A habit Roy had come to know was sign of agitation.

Arriving at the scene they were met by a distracted mother who led them to a porch swing in which lay a young boy about seven who was clutching his arm and grimacing.

“He fell out of the tree over there.” The woman pointed to a large tree as they went by. To Roy it looked like a good climbing tree. Chris would have climbed it without a second thought. As they came up on the porch and saw the boy holding his arm Roy approached him and knelt beside the swing.

“Well, hello there. My name’s Roy and my partner here is Walt.”

“I’m Joey.” The boy eyed the paramedics unenthusiastically.

“What happened here.” Roy reached out to touch the arm the boy was holding, but Joey pulled away from him. “It’s okay, I won’t hurt you too bad.”

“Let him see it, Joey.” His mother instructed him firmly. “I think he broke it.”

“It certainly looks that way.” Roy palpated the arm gently, the boy winced when he touched a certain spot and the arm was already beginning to swell. Behind him Roy heard Walt setting up the link with Rampart. When he turned to ask for it Walt was already handing him the splint needed to stabilize the arm until they could get the boy to the ER.

Roy rode to the ER with Joey while Walt followed in the squad. Roy was grateful the run was routine with no complicating factors. As soon as he turned the boy over to the doctors he went in search of his partner. When he didn’t see him at the nurses station, he knew where he would find him. And he did find him, standing in front of the pay phones talking to his wife. Roy had noticed when they had a child down rescue no matter how routine or harrowing it was Walt always called his wife to check in afterward.

Roy cleared them as he waited for his partner to finish his call and acknowledge him. He wanted to go upstairs and check on Johnny, but didn’t want to go without letting Walt know where he was. As Walt finished his call, the HT in Roy’s hand began to alarm. Johnny would have to wait. The two men headed for the squad as the call came over the HT. A man down, possible heart attack.

Arriving on scene they found the engine company already there. Walt took the lead with ease. Even when the man’s heart stopped beating he remained calm and made all the right moves. Roy assisted him while Cap kept in contact with Rampart. Soon they had him going again and as stable as they could get him. The ambulance was on scene and they loaded him into it. Walt rode in with the victim while Roy drove the squad in.

As Roy drove he reflected on the two rescues they had just been through. On the surface everything seemed fine, but as he thought more about it, Roy realized it happened every time. Every time they had a child down, he ended up leading and riding in with the child. Walt did everything else necessary, but when it came to hands on with a child he was reluctant, to say the least, to take the lead. Roy could not remember the last time he had taken the lead on a child down rescue. Roy shrugged it off, so the man had one fault, if that was all the fault he had, Roy could live with it.

This time Roy did get up to see Johnny. He wasn’t fully awake yet, but responded when Roy spoke to him. Roy returned to the station feeling lighter than he had in weeks.

************

When John was moved to the step-down unit Jennifer and Chris were allowed to come see him with their father. Both wore solemn expressions. After they had been talking with John for several minutes they were preparing to leave. Chris’ expression had lightened and he even smiled when he said good-bye to John. But Jen’s expression remained unhappy. A vague memory came to John and his heart went out to her.

“Jen, could you stay just a minute? I’d like to talk to you.” John held out his hand to her. Jennifer looked to her Dad for reassurance then nodded and took John’s hand. Roy and Chris continued out of the room closing the door behind them. “How are you doing with all this, Jen?”

“Okay.” Jennifer shrugged and hung her head, sure signs that she was far from ‘okay.’

“Tell me about it, Jen. We’ve always been friends. If you can’t talk to me who can you talk to?” John was only half teasing when he said this. Jen’s face began to crumple and tears filled her eyes.

“Why? Why did you…?”

“Climb up on that roof?” Jennifer nodded. “It’s hard to explain. If I had been thinking right, I never would have done it.”

“I was so scared.” Jen’s voice was barely audible. “I was so scared you were going to die. I was scared Dad would too. Not really but…I can’t explain it. It was like he just went away somehow. He was there physically but not…”

“Emotionally?”

Jennifer nodded and continued. “I was scared he wouldn’t come back.” Tears were now cascading down her face. “Then you would be gone and so would he.”

“Have you talked with your Dad about this?” John squeezed her hand when she shook her head. “You need to; you need to talk to him.”

“It doesn’t matter now. Everything’s fine now.” Jennifer’s tears belied her statement.

“Jen, everything is not fine. Too many things have been left unsaid. You need to talk to him, let him know how you feel.”

“But what if he won’t listen?”

“Tell me. I’ll make him listen.” John smiled at his statement, though he meant it. Jennifer smiled for the first time since she had arrived.

“Uncle Johnny, fixer of everything?” Jennifer teased on a half-laugh.

“Yeah, you got that right.” John squeezed her hand again. “Now go on. I’ll see you later.”

“All right, Uncle Johnny.” Bending, she kissed his cheek then straightened. “I’ll see you later.”

*********

Roy checked his watch, almost suppertime. JoAnne would be calling him in soon and he wanted to get all the flowers in this flat planted before then. And he still had half of them to go. Picking up his spade he began to move the dirt around to form a hole in which to place the next plant. As he reached for the plant, he saw a pair of familiar tennis shoes stop beside him. The tennis shoes were attached to jeans encased legs. He recognized the shoes and the legs without looking up: Jennifer.

“Dad, can I talk to you?” He could hear the trepidation and pain in his little girl’s voice; he didn’t need to look up and see it in her eyes to know it was there. It was almost suppertime; he had plants to get into the ground and the last thing he wanted was to deal with the pain Jennifer was obviously feeling. This was not the kiss-it-and-make-it-all-better kind of pain he used to be able to deal with when Jen was younger. This was the kind of pain only grown-ups, in his opinion, should have to deal with. But he knew he had to listen to her whether he could make-it-all-better or not. He had learned that much from his ordeal with Johnny.

“Sure, Jen,” he said trying to sound upbeat. Picking up a plant from the flat he offered it to Jennifer. “Help me get these plants in?” She took the plant and knelt beside him. Turning it over, she tapped on the bottom of the container until the plant and dirt surrounding the roots came out into her hand. She handed it to Roy who placed it in the hole and secured it by packing dirt around it. “So what’s on your mind?” he prompted. Jennifer handed him the next plant before speaking. He stayed silent knowing she would talk when she was ready.

“When Uncle Johnny was in ICU and we didn’t know if he would live or not; I was so scared.” He had expected this, as much as he wanted to say something, anything to comfort his child, he knew this was his time to ‘keep silence’ so he let her continue without saying anything. Her next words startled him and tried his resolve to stay silent and listen to its limits. “I was afraid if he died you would too. Sort of. While he was unconscious you kind of went away…emotionally.” At first he wanted to refute her statement, reassure her it would never have happened, but then as he kept silent he realized that her fears were not altogether unfounded. As she continued to hand him plants, which he continued to place in holes he had dug for them, she poured her heart out to him. Keeping his silence he listened, voicing his understanding when appropriate. When they got to the last plant in the flat, she startled him yet again by asking a question. “You love Uncle Johnny a lot, don’t you?”

“Yes, I do,” Roy replied when he regained his voice. “He’s like a brother to me.”

Jennifer nodded knowingly. From the back deck JoAnne called to them to come in to supper. After packing the last of the dirt around the last plant Roy stood. Looking into his daughter’s eyes he saw that the pain and trepidation were gone. It seemed that just by listening and trying to understand he had made everything-all-better.

“Ready to go in?” He offered her his hand; Jennifer took it smiling up at him. It was the same smile she had smiled when she was a little girl and he had kissed the hurt and made it all better. Hand in hand they walked across the yard and into the house.

*********

Part 4: A Time to Heal

“What I don’t understand is why we have to go for counseling,” Chet groused. The others were well aware of his feelings on the subject. Ever since they had been told they would have to go for counseling sessions with John and as individuals Chet had been complaining. “I mean it wasn’t me that threatened to jump off a roof. What do they think that just because Gage did we all will….”

None of the men were any happier than Chet about having to go for counseling, but Chet was the loudest protester and the most resistant.

“Kelly. Cut it out.” The Captain scowled at the complaining man. “We have to go and that’s final.”

“I just don’t see why. I mean I’m not crazy, you’re not crazy, so why should we have to go. Do they think it’s catching or something, one man goes up on a roof so we all will.”

“Chet, we all know how sane you are.” Marco said on a sigh. “You’re the sanest man in whole department.”

“Thanks, Marco. That’s right!” Chet nodded, glad someone finally understood him.

“Yeah, you and the phantom.” Mike’s comment held an acerbic tone he rarely used and surprised as well as incensed Chet. The others laughed at the comment.

“Chet you heard what Doc Brackett said.” Roy’s patients was quickly thinning. “Dr. Beel takes a holistic approach to these things. We were all there, we’re all Johnny’s friends, and this affects us as well as him.”

“Chet, just accept it and go.” When Chet opened his mouth to say something more, Cap raised a hand to stop him. “No. No more arguing, you’re not getting out of this. Unfortunately it appears no one is.”

They had all been surprised when HQ had sent down the decree that they would all have to go for counseling. In their view, since all of A-shift had been involved in the incident and Gage was a co-worker and friend, the men of station 51 needed to talk about it officially unofficially.

************

Roy had been in the doctor’s office for a few minutes. It was his turn at an individual counseling session. Dr. Beel had read the official report, but said he wanted to hear Roy’s version of what had happened. Roy fidgeted in his chair trying to get comfortable. It had been bad enough dealing with the fallout from HQ when he had given his report to them. What would the doctor have to say about it? That he was crazy, insane, unfit to do his job?

“Tell me about your relationship with Johnny. How did the two of you meet?”

“We met when I was a recruiter for the paramedic program when it was first getting started. Johnny came into the office one day full of questions and just a skeptical as anybody about the program at the time. He says he doesn’t know whether to thank me or blame me for getting him into the program. Then we started at 51s when it was a brand new station.”

“So you worked with Johnny for quite a while.”

“Yes. We also became friends outside of work. I thought I would have noticed if anything was really wrong with him. That I knew him well enough.”

“Didn’t you know something was wrong?”

“Well, yeah, but never anything like this. I mean I never would have believed Johnny would end up on top of a building, threatening to jump off.”

“Roy, I want to ask you about what went on up on the roof that day.”

Roy fidgeted uncomfortably, he had known some one would ask him about that day, he just hoped the doctor wouldn’t lock him up and throw away the key.

“I talked him out of jumping.”

“Yes, but I need you to be specific.” The doctor leaned back in his chair, looking at him expectantly. Roy watched, fascinated, as the other man slid a green pen between his fingers. The pen was very similar to the one his partner frequently used. Noticing Roy staring at the pen the doctor put it down. “Roy, can you tell me specifically what went on up there that day.”

“I went up there…” Roy started haltingly, but then spoke more smoothly as he related what had happened on the roof that day. He felt, in telling the story, that he was disconnected from it, as if it had happened to someone else. “He was really set on jumping. He’s had the same training I’ve had. He knows every trick in the book for talking someone out of jumping, he’s done it enough times. I think that’s one thing that bothered him so much about his friend, he thought maybe if he’d been there he could have talked him out of it…”

“That may be true, Roy, but we’re talking about you and Johnny right now,” the doctor broke in on his musing to redirect him kindly.

“Yes, right.” Roy returned his thoughts to that day. It had taken everything he had to get Johnny to come down off the roof. There had been no room for error and he had known it then. Now he was second guessing himself. Well he’d lay it all out there and let the chips fall where they might. “I knew I had to do something unexpected and drastic. I also knew I couldn’t bluff him because we’ve know each other too well and too long to get anything past him. So I told if he jumped, so would I.”

“When you said you would jump if John did…did you mean it?”

“Yes, at the time.” Roy sighed as he admitted this. “As I said, I had to, Johnny would have known if I had been bluffing.”

“You took a big risk.”

“I know. I didn’t know what else to do.”

“Wasn’t there any other way to get him down off the roof? No other way at all?”

“No, he wasn’t in a position where we could physically get to him, like I said he knows as much about rescuing jumpers as anyone. If I hadn’t said what I did and meant it, I believe he would be dead and buried right now.“

“You really believe that?”

“Yes, I do.” Roy said it with conviction. In trying to convince the doctor his actions had been right he had convinced himself as well.

“Then what are you beating yourself up for?” The doctor’s question startled Roy. What was he beating himself up for?

“I should have known something was really wrong. I should have stopped him from going up on the roof in the first place. I should have gotten him help. I should have listened to him.”

“All that may be true, but what did you do?”

“I visited him when I could. I kept in touch with his neighbor, who was worried about him, too. I tried to talk to him. Tried to get him out of the apartment.”

“Why weren’t you successful at doing those things you tried to do.”

“Because Johnny wouldn’t co-operate. He refused help. He refused to go out. Short of physically picking him up and carrying him out of his apartment there was nothing I could do.” Roy was exasperated, as exasperated as he had been with Johnny at the time.

“Is there anything you could have done that would have made a difference?”

“I could have listened to him. Really listened to him instead of brushing him off. I didn’t know how to handle what he was going through. Didn’t know what to say to make it all better. Since then I’ve realized that I didn’t need to say anything, I just needed to hear what Johnny was saying.”

“Do you think that would have ’made everything all better’?”

“I don’t know, but I think it would have helped.”

“So you’ve learned from this experience?”

“Yes, but…”

“Roy, our time is almost up let me see if I am hearing what you are saying, okay?” Roy nodded and the doctor continued. “You feel bad because you weren’t able to save your partner grief and pain. You feel you should have been able, somehow, to have averted the crises, possibly by listening to your partner and friend instead of blowing him off. Is that correct.” Roy nodded again and the doctor continued. “Roy, what happened is in the past. You cannot, no matter how much you want to, go back and do it over. Your partner and friend is alive and well, you are in large part responsible for that. All you can do now is to take what you have learned from the situation and go forward.”

“So you don’t think I need to be locked up and the key thrown away?” Roy asked with a relieved smile.

“No. Not unless you’ve done something I don’t know about.” The doctor answered with a chuckle. “Think about what I said, and I’ll see you at the next session.” Roy and the doctor stood and shook hands. Roy left the office feeling better than he had in months.

********

When Roy arrived at the station on his next shift he found Walt there before him. Walt looked as if he was half asleep as he sat slumped on the bench in front of his locker half in and half out of his uniform.

“Hard night?” Roy asked as he moved toward his locker and opened it.

“Yeah, didn’t get to sleep ‘til late. Just some insomnia. I’ll be okay.” Rubbing his hand over his face he stood and stretched, then resumed dressing.

The rest of the day Walt was uncharacteristically quiet. Roy put it down to his being tired and decided when he was ready to talk about it he would. Hard as it was to keep his silence and not try and make things “all better” for the man, he was learning that that was not always possible. When someone had a broken leg or was having a heart attack or was stuck somewhere, through their own fault or not, usually he could “make things all better” by treating them or helping them to get unstuck. Making things “all better” for a child was generally easy, you kissed it and made it “all better.” But for an adult it was more tricky when the problem was not a physical one and keeping silent and letting them speak in their own time was a trial for Roy.

Roy tried to broach the subject several times during the day but Walt was uncooperative, reassuring Roy that he was fine and turning the subject. Roy sighed and much as he wanted to shake the man and make him talk realized it would do no good. Walt would talk if and when he was ready. Not before.

********

Johnny sat in Dr. Beel’s office staring into space. His status had been changed from medical patient to psychological patient. Now waiting for the doctor to come into his office Johnny was apprehensive. Would the man declare him incompetent? After what he had done, maybe he should be declared incompetent. He knew at the very least his status with the fire department rested on this man’s analysis of him and his competency. He had met Dr. Beel a couple of times and knew him to be a nice and seemingly nonjudgmental person.

Dr. Beel entered his office as Johnny was contemplating whether he should stay or go. “I’m sorry to have kept you waiting, an emergency came up. Now,” he sat down opposite John, “are you ready to begin?”

“I guess so.” John shrugged his shoulders. “Whenever you are.”

“Well then let’s begin with your friend Tommy. Tell me about him.”

“Tommy and I were friends from kindergarten. We grew up together in the same neighborhood. He was my best friend.” Johnny went on to tell the doctor about himself and Tommy. How they had grown up together and how they had grown apart but remained close at the same time.

“It must have been hard on you when he died.” Dr. Beel said the words mildly.

“Yeah. It was like losing a part of myself. I should have been there for him. He called me and asked me to come. I can’t help thinking if I had just gone when he called…” A vague memory slipped into his mind. A memory of Tommy, what was it he had said?

“Johnny, I wasn’t right in my head…it wasn’t your fault. I used your not coming as an excuse, but if you had come I would have found another one. There was nothing anyone could have done to stop me. Not in the long run, I made up my mind I was going to jump and I did.”

“I couldn’t have stopped him,” John murmured to himself. “He would have done it anyway.” Johnny sat forward and with his head in his hands, elbows on his knees. “I couldn’t have stopped him. There was nothing I could do.” The anguish he was feeling came through his words.

“How do you know that?” Dr. Beel asked curiously.

“He told me so.” Johnny said the words without looking up. After he had said them he realized how they sounded. The last thing he needed was for this man to think he really had gone of the deep end. “I had a…a dream. He was in it and he told me…in the dream…there was nothing I could have done.”

“I see. And do you believe that?”

“Yes, I do now.” John nodded his head, tears streamed down his face. “Everyone kept telling me that but I just didn’t see it. I couldn’t believe he was gone. I couldn’t believe Tommy, my friend, would do something like that. So if he wasn’t to blame, I had to be. I had let him down.”

“And now?”

“Now I see, what he did…he did and he‘s responsible for it, not me. I might have been able to help him if I had been there. But the ultimate responsibility is Tommy‘s. Poor Roy.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because Roy had to put up with me. He tried his best to help me, but I just wouldn’t be helped. And then he…”

“Tell me about Roy. How did you two meet?”

“Roy was recruiter for the paramedic program. I didn’t want to be a glorified ambulance chaser. Until the day we, my partner and I, rescued a corpse.” Johnny paused remembering the frustration he had felt when he learned the man he had thought they had saved was dead.

“Rescued a corpse?” Dr. Beel prompted.

“Yeah, he had been working on utility lines and was electrocuted. We got him down and started CPR. I was sure we got to him in time, was sure he would survive. But then I found out he died. I was so frustrated. I began to look into the paramedics program. I didn’t know whether to get involved or not. It was a pretty iffy thing back then. But then I went a saw the recruiter to ask some questions and see if I really wanted to do this. Roy talked me into signing up for the class. I still don’t know whether to thank him or throttle him.” Johnny chuckled at the witticism.

“And then you became partners?”

“Yeah, I went through the class and since the program hadn’t been implemented yet Roy was there to help us along. Then when 51s came open he fixed it so that we would be partners. We were already friends and working together kinda strengthened that.”

“What about the other men you worked with? Were you friends with them?”

“Yeah, mostly.” Johnny’s tone was wry.

“Not a close as Roy?”

“No. I mean we socialize and Chet and I would double day every now and then, but….”

“But…?”

“We just weren’t as close as me and Roy.” John shrugged.

“Tell me more about Chet.”

“Chet…” Johnny sighed and blew out a long breath. “Well Chet is a good friend…most of the time. But sometimes he can be the most frustrating, … his jokes get old really fast.”

“I see.” Dr. Beel smiled, this in part explained part of his session with Chet. “John, who is the Phantom?”

“The Phantom!?” John was obviously surprised to hear the name. “The Phantom is Chet alter ego, I guess you could say. He constantly plays tricks on people, but mostly on me. Water cannons, flour in my bed, all sorts of stupid jokes.”

Dr Beel chuckled, no wonder Chet had not wanted to discuss the Phantom.

“Well our time is up for today. Unless you have anything else you would like to discuss, I’ll see you next time.”

“Fine, I suppose I’ll be here.” Johnny exited the office and headed back for his room. He was now an inpatient on the psych ward.

********

Roy stepped off the elevator and walked down the hall to Johnny’s room. He hoped his friend was in a better mood than he had been recently. It had been a long time since he and Johnny had had a conversation that approached normal. It would be so nice, if just for one moment, Johnny would go off on a tangent about something unimportant.

Arriving at the door he knocked, he didn’t hear anything from inside the room so he pushed the door open tentatively and put his head into the room. The room was empty except for the furniture.

“He’s not home.” The voice startled Roy and he jumped turning around to face his friend.

“So I see.” Roy met Johnny’s eyes and saw that they had some of the old spark in them again. “When will he be back?”

“Not sure… he was headed to the sun room.” Johnny grinned at the mild joke. “Want to come see if we can find him?”

“Sure.” Roy fell into step with John and they walked down to the end of the hall were a large room with wide windows was located. Going into the room Roy knew why it was called the “sun room.” It was filled with sunshine. Roy noticed John had put on weight and his clothes fit him better than they had in long time. His dark hair was in need of a cut, but that was nothing new, Johnny’s hair was always in need of cutting.

John walked over to a couch on the far side of the room and sat down. Roy sat down next to him. John had grown pensive and Roy sat beside him waiting for him to speak. When he finally did it was hard for Roy to keep his peace, but he did so and really listened to his friend for the first time.

“Roy, I’d like to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry I was so hard on you. I value our friendship and I hope I haven’t done anything to compromise it. I said some things that would have been better left unsaid. All I wanted was to push you away. I had lost one friend because, as I thought then, I had let him down. Oddly enough I pushed you away because I didn’t want to let another friend down. I realize I wasn’t thinking straight at the time. I also realize it wasn’t my fault Tommy jumped off that ledge. I hope you can forgive me.” John paused and looked at Roy tentatively. He really thought what he had done was unforgivable.

“Of course I forgive you. I just hope you can forgive me.” Roy shifted in his seat to face Johnny.

“Forgive you? For what?” Johnny exclaimed, obviously surprised.

“For not listening to you. For brushing you off when you tried to talk about…all of it. Maybe if I had listened it would not have gone as far as it did.”

“Roy, it would have been nice if you had listened to me.” Johnny paused searching for the words. “But just like what Tommy did wasn’t my fault, what I did wasn’t your fault. I was the one who acted a fool, you tried to help me. You and Rose.”

“So you forgive me?”

“Yes, of course I forgive you.” Johnny grinned. “Okay enough of this touchy feely stuff. How are JoAnne and the kids. They haven’t been up to see me lately.”

Roy sighed in relief and began to tell him about his family.

********

The group session was not going well. None of the men seemed to be getting into the spirit of the thing. Dr. Beel had walked into the room followed by Johnny. Sitting in the chairs in the middle of the room were the six men he had seen recently during individual visits. All were looking glum, Chet positively scowled. He had spoken with Chet in his individual session and Chet had let him know that he was there under orders and for no other reason. He didn’t even want to talk about the phantom, he had said straight off. So though he had wondered all through the session who “the phantom” was they had not spoken of him again. Chet was talking, recalling an incident from the past. Dr. Beel wasn’t sure what it had to do with the subject at hand but was being patient hoping Chet would get to the point soon or he would have to intervene. Suddenly Johnny sat up in his chair interrupting Chet.

“Oh, Chet, can’t you remember anything right? That’s not what happened.” Johnny scowled across the circle at the other man. Chet sat up from his slumped position, incensed.

“I do so remember! I’ll have you know I have a mind like a steel trap!”

“A steel trap!? A steel sieve is more like it!” Johnny snorted.

Chet bounced up from his chair. “Oh, yeah! Well, you’re a few bricks short of a load yourself, Pal.” Stiff legged he pointed an accusing finger at the other man.

“And you’re a few ants short of a picnic…Pal.” Leaping up, his scowl deepened as John stood fists clenched at his sides.

“You’re elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top,” Chet retorted moving farther into the middle of the circle, John met him halfway.

“Well, it wouldn’t have to go far to go higher than yours! You couldn’t poor water out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel.” Faces inches apart the two men stood in the middle of the circle, they were surprised to hear the sound of laughter.

At first taken aback by the exchange the other men had begun to see the humor in the situation. The doctor was puzzled by the laughter, these men and had been so gloomy up until these two had started trading insults. Both

John and Chet looked around at the others as if they had forgotten they were there. Looking sheepish they moved to sit back down in their own seats.

“Sorry,” Chet mumbled, looking uncomfortable.

“Sorry,” John said, looking at the doctor as if half expecting to be reprimanded for the outburst.

“What just happened here?” Dr. Beel asked looking around the circle at the faces of the men he had been counseling for weeks now. “Why were you laughing when the two of them were so obviously antagonistic toward one another?”

“Well, you see,” the Captain started looking a little sheepish. “It was nice to see them interacting more normally.”

“Normally? Trading insults?”

“Yeah, for them, that’s how they communicate.” Marco spoke from his position beside Chet. “And you have to admit the insults were pretty funny.”

“Well now maybe we can get down to business.” After that the session took a more productive turn.

When they were through Chet still wasn’t convinced that it had been totally necessary but he did feel better. He had been deeply worried about John, but did not want to admit it to anyone because he did not want anyone getting the wrong idea. He wasn’t a touchy feely kind of guy. But now that they had cleared the air and he realized John was getting back to normal he felt a lot better about the whole situation.

********

The klaxons sounded loudly causing the six men seated around the lunch table to pop up from their chairs and hurry out into the equipment bay. The call was to the scene of a two car wreck, a head on collision.

Roy and Walt grabbed equipment from the squad and ran toward the victims. Approaching the nearest car they began to assess the victims. Inside the car were a mother and her two young children. Roy began treating her while Walt ran on to the other car. The mother was unconscious but both children sat in the back seat, wide eyed. The children had been wearing seatbelts and had not been seriously injured in the accident. The mother had a cut on her lip and a knot forming on her head where she had apparently hit the steering wheel. The woman quickly regained consciousness and calmed down when she saw that her two children were virtually uninjured. She was treated and sent with her two children in the ambulance to Rampart.

In the other car Walt found the man was a mess. A cut on his forehead bled profusely and the steering wheel had hit him in the chest. His chest was malformed and as Walt palpated it he felt jagged edges. His pulse was weak, thready and extremely fast. His BP was low. Walt relayed the information to Chet who was on the biophone between the two treatment sites. He barely waited to hear Ramparts instructions before he was sliding an IV needle into the man’s arm and starting a drip.

Roy was on the other side of the car examining the woman who was in the passenger seat. Half conscious and moaning, she seemed to be distraught. Roy quickly examined her and found that she had broken bones in both her right arm and leg. Placing a C-collar around her neck to protect her cervical vertebra he called for the other men to bring a back board. When the other men brought the back board the woman was eased onto it being careful to keep from jarring her back. Roy stared an IV and splinted her arm and leg.

Soon the second ambulance arrived and the victims were being loaded into it. The woman began trying to get up from the back board. Roy placed a restraining, calming hand on her. She began crying as she was placed in the ambulance, Roy hopped into the ambulance and tried to quiet her.

“It’s okay. You’ll be at Rampart in no time.”

“My baby. My baby.” The woman said weakly as she began to lose consciousness again.

“Walt look around and see if you can find a baby.” Walt nodded his head and turned back to the scene. Mike closed the doors to the ambulance.

Walt walked over to the wrecked car and began looking for any sign of a baby. The baby was not under the seats of the car and not trapped between the front and back seats. The dash of the car had been pushed back and down so that it was hard to see underneath. Leaning down to get a good look under the dash, Walt heart leapt into his throat. A white blanket wrapped form lay trapped by the dash.

“Hey, can I get some help here?” Walt yelled then dove back under the dash. The baby could not have been more than six months old. So tiny was it that Walt though it might have missed being crushed by the dash but when he was able to extricate the infant it lay lifeless in his arms. Quickly, he began CPR on the infant and found it to be pulseless and without breath. Giving two breaths he then began to push on the chest with his fingers. But it was useless and he knew it. The body was already cooling and the eye stared at him lifelessly. At Rampart his fears were confirmed.

All he could think about was how much that child resembled his own. That it could have been his child trapped under the dash. How many times had his wife held their baby as they drove just down the block to the grocery store or over to her mothers. His dreams at night were filled with images of his children taking the place of rescue victims. The woman in the car today could just as easily as not have been his wife and he could have been the driver. During his days off he had become increasingly concerned with the well being of his children. He felt compelled to check on them every few minutes while they napped to make sure they had not stopped breathing.

Making his way to the phone booth he took a deep breath and dialed his home phone. The phone rang several times but no one answered. He hung up. Hopefully it was just that his wife had gone out and taken the kids shopping or over to her mother’s house. Nothing was wrong with any of them. They were all fine. Why didn’t he feel reassured?

Roy called to him from near the exit door and he hurried out to the squad.

Roy watched as Walt climbed into the seat, his expression dismal. Evidently he was taking the death of the baby hard. It was always hard when a child was injured, when they died it was devastating. He thought he knew how Walt felt.

“The baby died?” Roy started the engine and put the truck in gear. Walt nodded. “Want to talk about it?” Walt shook his head side to side. Roy didn’t press the issue. One thing he had learned in his quest to “keep silence” was that sometimes the other person need the silence and they would speak when they were ready to. Pulling out of the parking lot he headed down the street. Walt was silent for most of the drive back to the station. When he did speak it startled Roy.

“I can’t do it anymore. I just can’t.”

Roy had sensed that his partner was more bothered by the run than usual, but he was further startled to see tears running down his partner’s cheeks when he glanced at him. Seeing a vacant lot ahead Roy pulled the squad into it and parked. “What do you mean you can’t do it. What can’t you do?”

“I can’t go on rescues like this one anymore. I can’t…” Walt’s voice was suspended by tears and he looked away from his partner, but Roy could see the anguish etched in the man’s profile. Roy knew nothing he said would help at this point so he simply waited for the other man to continue. After a visible struggle to hold back the tears he turned to Roy again. Blue eyes almost black with the pain he began to explain. “Do you know what I do on my evenings off?” Without pausing he continued. “I run up and down the stairs to check on my little girl, to make sure she’s still breathing. Or to check on my little boy to make sure he hasn’t developed a sudden fever. Or when he’s out side playing I have to keep checking to make sure he hasn’t hurt himself. It’s not that I’m just safety conscious it’s an obsession.” Tears threatened to overwhelm him again but he continued, “Every time we go out on one of these rescues, I can’t help but think it might be my kid. I can’t stop those things from happening, a lot of them, but seeing them day in and day out…I just can’t take it anymore.”

When Walt didn’t continue but just sat there staring out the windshield for several minutes trying unsuccessfully not to cry, Roy asked, “What do you want to do about it?”

“I don’t know.” Walt shrugged his shoulder not meeting Roy’s gaze. Roy knew with Walt’s heart for the work and his skill he was a valuable asset to the paramedic program. But, if it effected him like this then it was best if he were out of it. Roy knew Walt would never say it so he said it for him.

“Do you want to quit? Quit the program?”

Walt nodded, “Yeah, I think I have to.” Neither man spoke for several minutes. Finally, when he thought his partner had himself under control again, Roy spoke.

“You ready to go?” Walt nodded agreement. Roy started the squad and resumed the trip to quarters. “You need to speak with Cap when we get back,” Roy said. Walt nodded again.

*********

John sat on his bed waiting. Today he was being released from the hospital and was going home to his apartment. Rose would be here any minute to pick him up. When he thought of Rose he was ashamed of the way he had treated her. But she had long since told him she forgave him. She said she had spent time with Dr. Beel, also and had come to terms with the situation. After what he had put her through he was surprised she was still speaking to him, much the less forgiven him. They had a lot of things to work out, but of one thing he was sure, they would be friends a long time.

“Hey, Johnny.” Rose came into the room smiling. “Are you ready to go home?”

“You bet I am.” Johnny returned her smile. A nurse had followed Rose into the room with a wheelchair. “Do I really have to go in that? I’ve been walking around this place for weeks now.”

“I suppose you can walk. I’ll come with you.” The nurse accompanied Johnny and Rose down to the entrance of the hospital where Rose had her car parked. Johnny got in the passenger seat while Rose took the driver’s seat.

“So, when do you go back to work.”

“As soon as I pass the tests.” He knew what she really meant was could he go back to work as a firefighter paramedic. Officially he had been on leave all this time. Captain Stanley had proved to be as stubborn as John and had not accepted his resignation. John was grateful for that now as he had not been then.

Dr. Beel had cleared him to return to work; now all he had to do was convince the department he could do the job. HQ was insisting that he take a paramedic proficiency test and a physical fitness test. Once he passed those he would be cleared to return to work.

“Do you want to go back to work.”

“Yes, I do.”

“Did you hear about Walt?”

“What about Walt?”

“He’s quit the program. Roy told me about it.”

“Why? I thought he was a good paramedic.” John’s brow furrowed in puzzlement.

“Yeah, he was. Roy said he was one of the best he ever worked with, but he couldn’t handle it. He has two small children and he apparently spent his off time worrying about their health. It didn’t help. . . all the kids he saw who were having problems.”

“Kid rescues are tough.” John nodded his head. “That’s too bad. Is he still going to be a fire fighter?”

“I don’t think so. I think he’s looking for another job. The department said they would give him a good recommendation when he needed it.”

The rest of the drive home was spent talking about mundane things. Johnny was glad to be talking about mundane things. Things were getting back to normal and he was grateful.

********

Roy pulled into the parking lot at the station. Another smoggy California morning and he couldn’t have felt better. His spirits lifted more when he spotted the Land Rove in its accustomed spot. Almost a year had passed since he had seen the car parked there.

Walking into the station he was not surprised to hear voices coming from the locker room. Voices that were raised in altercation. Johnny and Chet were having another argument. Neither one had ever looked happier. Yes everything was getting back to normal. Whatever that was. JoAnne averred that normal was a setting on the clothes dryer. Whatever the case he was glad Johnny was back.

The end

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