White Elephant Exchange

Johnny stood staring at the creature in his hand as Chet walked away. Who would’ve thought?

One morning the guys were all in the kitchen. Roy looked around the room and then cleared his throat, “Joanne would like you all to come over for a cookout.”

That got Johnny’s attention right away. With his mouth full of jelly donut he asked, “When?”

“Next Saturday. Cap, bring your wife and the rest of you can bring dates.” He put his mug on the counter. “There’s one more thing.”

“What? We hafta bring all the food?” Chet’s grin made his mustache move as he and Johnny reached for the last pastry on the plate at the same time.

Roy rolled his eyes, “No. She wants you to bring you to bring something for a White Elephant Exchange.”

“A what?” Marco closed the refrigerator door, after adding milk to the list in his hand.

Captain Stanley crossed his arms, “My wife went to a party at Christmas and took a White Elephant gift.”

“Well, what IS it?” Johnny took a final gulp of his coffee and added, “Do we all hafta go out and buy a White Elephant to bring?”

The captain answered for Roy, “No. You bring something you’ve had at home that you don’t need or were thinking of getting rid of and someone else ends up with it. Often it’s a gift someone gave you that you’ll never use.”

“Well, that covers anything Gage ever gave me.” Chet finished chewing the cheese Danish he’d wrestled out of Johnny’s grasp.

Mike Stoker contemplated the explanation the captain provided, “Sounds like recycling if you ask me.”

“Guys, we’re providing all the food; just bring something. Okay?” Roy ignored everyone as he headed out to perform the morning telemetry check.

Johnny joined him and the two men worked without speaking. As Johnny secured the tackle box that served as their drug box, he caught Roy’s eye, “I’ll be there. I don’t know what I’ll bring but I’ll be there.”

“Thanks.” Roy shoved the biocom into its compartment and watched Johnny shut the doors. “I know it sounds like an odd thing to do but Joanne says it’s really fun.”

Johnny walked to the closet to retrieve his turnout coat and put it in the squad, “Joanne throws good parties. You just kinda threw us for a loop with this Pink Elephant thing.”

“White, Johnny, White Elephant.” Roy muttered as he adjusted the side mirror.

~*~*~

The days flew by and it was Saturday afternoon when Johnny realized he lacked something to take to the DeSoto party. He was between girlfriends at the moment and going stag. If Chet razzed him too much he would tell him Jennifer DeSoto was his date for the evening. His eyes flitted around his messy apartment. An old newspaper? Naw, he’d never hear the end of that. At last it struck him, he purchased a ratchet screwdriver when he bought the desk he had to assemble. Darn thing would only tighten. He scooped it up and noticed the Phillips bit was missing. So be it, he needed to go. Oh yeah, Roy said it had to be wrapped. Like he kept wrapping paper lying around? Ask him to wrap a dislocated shoulder and the job was well done. But cover a gift? No way! That’s why he always flirted with the clerks and got them to do it for him. He spotted a brown bag that wasn’t too badly wrinkled and stuffed the screwdriver in it and twisted the paper until it no longer unwrapped. He galloped down the stairs to his white chariot and got in.

His stomach grumbled as he approached Roy’s street. A smile lighted his face as he parked and saw Joanne carrying munchies toward the backyard. “Need any help?” He nabbed a handful of chips and started crunching.

“Shoo! There won’t be any food left if you help.” Joanne batted his empty hand away and turned toward the picnic table. “Actually, you could help. There’s a plate of vegetables on the kitchen counter. Could you bring that out?” Johnny returned in a flash and Joanne ripped some plastic wrap off the roll and placed it over the carrots and celery.

Roy saw his partner and called him over, “Marco just called. Chet is covering for a fireman who went home sick but is sending something for the White Elephant exchange.”

“That’s just great. He won’t be here but we’ll still hafta face whatever he sends. It’s probably a water bomb apparatus, filled, or something equally obnoxious.”

Roy shrugged and continued preparing the grill for use later, “Lighten up, Johnny. It’s all in fun.”

Watching Joanne come out the door with brownies, Johnny said absently, “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

A short time later everyone else was there. Hank Stanley and his wife Lois, Mike Stoker, and Marco rounded out the group. Chris was staying overnight with friends and Jennifer was enjoying the extra attention.

~*~*~

After the meal ended Joanne got everyone’s attention. She glanced at the stack of contributions for the White Elephant Exchange. Half the items were wrapped in colorful paper; the remainder wore brown paper. “Okay, lemme explain how this works.” Before she could continue, Jennifer ran up to her father, climbed up into his lap and placed her head under his chin. She relaxed against his warm body as he wrapped his arms around her. “I have numbers in a hat here.” She held out a child’s size red plastic fire helmet. “The first person will choose a package. After that the next person may take what someone has already opened or go for choosing a wrapped gift.”

She held the helmet out to her daughter who picked a folded card and held it up for her father to read. “Six,” he whispered in her air. She nodded in agreement. Each person selected a number. Johnny’s eyes twinkled when he saw the large “1” on his card. Joanne took the final one and said, “We’ll give Chet whatever remains.” She looked around the group. “All right, who got 1?”

“I did! I did!” Johnny said with glee, feeling like he’d already won a prize. Johnny went toward the collection and reached out toward one.

“Wait!” At the sound of Joanne’s cry, Johnny’s hand stilled. “I think you’re gonna be influenced by the appearance of these so close your eyes and grab one.”

Johnny complied, his face scrunched up as he closed his eyes tightly, causing Jennifer to giggle. He dove into the stack and snatched one. “Open it! Open it!” Jennifer encouraged. He sat down and stared at the wrinkled brown paper. He squeezed it to determine to see if it felt like the screwdriver he’d brought. Too soft. He tore the paper and gawked at the monstrosity he’d revealed. It was an indescribable color, a cross between ocean green and turquoise but not an attractive mix by any stretch of the imagination. The rubbery creature had a head that was twice the size of its naked body. Its bent knees and derriere accentuated its curved spine.

He handed it to Jennifer, “want it?” As she took it from him, she squeezed its head. The eyes popped out, revealing a clear blue, gelatinous substance. One of the white eyeballs dangled, hanging on by a thread, making it look even more grotesque.

“Yuck!” Jennifer threw it on the ground.

Marco gave it back to him, chuckling as he made the eyes pop out again. “Looks like one of those startled cartoon characters to me.”

“Chet, I’m gonna get you for this.” Johnny mumbled under his breath as he accepted it with reluctance.

Mike was up next. Johnny held up his “treasure.” “C’mon, Mike. I want you to have it.”

“No surprise there, Gage.” Mike closed his eyes and delved in. He held a package with daisies on it and opened a Swiss Army knife.

“It’s missing the toothpick,” Hank told him.

Mike pinched the tweezers, “That’s okay.” He saw Johnny’s envious look as he pocketed the knife.

“Wait, Mike. Someone can choose to take that from you.” Lois Stanley reminded him. Mike put it on his lap.

“I’ve got 3,” Joanne stated. Johnny held his prize up for her to whisk it away from him but she just gave him an apologetic grin and shook her head. Looking away from the remaining gifts, she plunged her hands in and pulled out one. She slid her thumb under the plain red paper and picked up a 1-cup glass-measuring cup. Remaining in the paper was the rest of the set: the 2-cup and 4-cup measures. “Never can have enough of those.” She looked at the group, “Who’s next?”

“I am,” Marco spoke before Johnny could, “no thanks. Joanne, may I have those?” She gave him the measuring cups. “Someone,” he looked directly at Johnny, “broke our set.”

“Hey, if that flour bomb hadn’t startled me I wouldn’t have bumped into you.” Johnny’s hands tightened on the ugly imp in his lap, and the eyes bulged.

Lois, who was sitting next to Joanne, nudged her. “You need to pick something else since Marco took yours.” Johnny lifted his prize with enthusiasm, encouraging her to take it off his hands.

With a laugh she returned to the remaining wrapped goodies and was soon unveiling her choice. She blushed and glimpsed the expression on her husband’s face. Roy had wracked his brain for what to put into the exchange. At last he spotted a framed picture that sat on his nightstand. It held a photo of Joanne, taken on their honeymoon. She was glowing with love when he pointed the camera at her. He knew it would stay in the family but he was delighted she had opened it. The mood was broken when Jennifer asked, “Mommy, what is it?”

Still red-faced, Joanne turned the frame around so everyone could see. “Roy, you romantic!” Johnny teased, but deep in his heart he looked forward to finding his soul mate.

“Whose turn is it now?” Joanne asked, scooting closer to Roy to hold his hand.

Hank glanced at his number, “Guess I’m up next.” He leaned forward, closed his eyes for a second and held a small, flat object. Inside the plain white paper was a peace sign key chain. The yellow and plum paint decorating the peace sign had a shimmer to it.

The captain didn’t look thrilled but his wife took it out of his hand and declared, “Honey, you can put your extra set of keys on this. That way if you ever need them, you can find them!”

Jennifer was next. She shut her eyes and felt each package. At last she removed a plump, square one. She ripped off the pink tissue paper and discovered a needlepoint pillow with a red heart that said “Be Mine.” She approached her mother and soon sat perched in her lap, clutching the cushion.

“I guess it’s only you and me left, Lois.” Roy propped his right ankle on his left knee and shifted his position. “Would you like to go before me?” Lois shook her head.

Roy rose and went to the table. Three choices remained: one that screamed book, one that looked like Jennifer wrapped it and a third that one of the single men brought.

He fingered each of them and reached for the book when he heard Johnny’s voice, “Hey! You’re looking. I didn’t get to do that.” With a sigh, he closed his eyelids but not before he memorized the location of the book and clutched the package he wanted before any more could be said. Tearing off the wrapping he saw a cookbook, Recipes from the Parishioners at St. Simeon’s Catholic Church. He flipped it open and saw Marco’s name next to the recipe for Irish stew.

“Sorry, Roy,” Lois snagged the book. “I keep asking Hank to get Marco’s recipes. He’s always raving about them.”

Joanne looked disappointed, “I’d love to have one of these, Marco.”

“I’ll get ya one,” Marco promised.

Roy decided to take the package that Jennifer contributed and opened it. Two dark plastic eyes peered at him. This was Taffy, a small, unjointed teddy bear. At one time the two were inseparable but she had moved on to other toys. “Daddy?” Jennifer said wistfully. His face softened and he gave it to his daughter who hugged it, dropping the pillow she’d been clutching. Joanne retrieved it and gave it to Roy.

Joanne saw the lone gift. “Roy, would you make sure Chet gets this?” Johnny groaned inwardly when he saw what remained. He already anticipated constant ribbing since he’d gotten what Chet sent and he knew Chet would figure out the screwdriver had been his. He took a brownie off the plate and popped it in his mouth.

~*~*~

Several days later Johnny unlocked the Land Rover and hopped in. As the engine roared to life, Johnny felt the chill of the morning air. Seeing his jacket on the seat next to him, he shrugged into it while he gave the car a minute to warm up. It was then he saw it, again. Picking up the rubbery creature he jammed it in his pocket, hoping he could sneak it into Chet’s locker and feign innocence when the Phantom discovered it. That was it! The Phantom needed it back. Satisfied that he had solved that problem he drove to work and greeted Roy as he entered the station. “Seen Chet?”

“Yeah, he’s in the kitchen, telling everyone about the date he had last night.”

Johnny looked pleased; sure that Chet would be occupied for several minutes. He charged into the locker room to change and dispose of the unsightly ogre that had fallen into his possession. He kept glancing over his shoulder as he dressed, watching for Chet. As soon as he had his work pants on he opened Chet’s locker and stuffed the monstrosity into it. He rubbed his hands like he was removing flour and smiled to himself. That THING was out of his life!

The day began with roll call. As the captain surveyed his troops he approached Chet and asked, “Kelly! Where’s your badge?”

“Right here, Cap.” Chet pointed to the spot on his shirt only to feel fabric.

Captain Stanley looked put out and then ordered, “As soon as we’re done here, go find it.” He gave out the duties for the day and dismissed the men.

Chet took off for the locker room as Roy followed him in. “I forgot to give you your prize from the White Elephant Exchange.” Roy unlatched the door of the cabinet he used and handed the fireman a crinkled package.

Chet unrolled it and pulled out the ratchet screwdriver. “Cool, I can use this. By the way, who got what I sent?” Roy raised his eyebrows and motioned with his eyes toward Johnny’s locker. Elated, Chet delved into his locker to procure his badge. As he moved his street clothes aside, he spotted it. So, Johnny thought he could pawn the alien off on him?

Pinning his badge on his shirt, he snuck to the squad and placed the misshapen creature under Gage’s helmet as it hung waiting for its next use in the cab of the squad. With a look of pleasure on his face, he went to help Marco roll hose.

~*~*~

Before their chores were completed, the klaxons sounded. Station 51. Motor vehicle accident. Intersection of Wheland and Wilkie. Timeout 0902. Captain Stanley acknowledged the call and everyone rushed out the station.

As Roy turned onto the street Johnny reached for his helmet. “AAUGH!” He exclaimed as the surprise Chet had left for him dropped onto his lap.

“What’s the matter?” Johnny’s scream caught Roy off guard.

His partner was under control now. “I’m gonna get Chet!”

“Cupcake?” Roy said with a chuckle.

“No, this! He gave it back to me!” Johnny held out the pliable corporeality, shaking it. At last he placed it in his dark blue jacket and realized where they were. “Hang a left at the next intersection. It should be two blocks from there.”

~*~*~

Roy cut the siren as he pulled up at the scene. A delivery truck decorated with a red rose and a large sign reading “Ralph’s Flowers” had its hood jammed into the driver’s side of a beige Opel sedan. Roy rushed to the van while Johnny went to check for victims in the car. Trapped at the steering wheel was a young, unconscious woman. In the back seat was a small boy screaming hysterically. Johnny couldn’t tell whether he was injured or not. Roy came to his side, “The driver’s fine. He’s giving a statement to Vince. Whatcha got?”

“The driver’s trapped. If you take her, I’ll see if I can check out the little boy.” Johnny opened the passenger side of the auto and slid behind the seat to get to the child. “Hi, my name is Johnny Gage. What’s yours?”

The lad took a deep breath and emitted a louder cry. He squirmed away from Johnny’s probing fingers. As Johnny put his knee on the seat by the child, the queer object in his pocket rolled out. He didn’t notice it as he had managed to get a pulse on the youngster. As he shifted his position, he put his hand on the head of the creature, causing the eyes to blob out. The tot’s eyes grew large and he stared at the toy. His crying lessened, puzzling Johnny until he discovered what was distracting the child.

While Johnny continued his assessment, Chet’s face materialized at the door. “Need help?”

“Yeah, he’s scared but okay. I’ll hand him to you.” When the boy lost sight of the deformed character, he broke into sobs. Chet sat him near the squad and proceeded to comfort him, to no avail. “Here, Kelly. He likes this.” He placed his White Elephant gift next to Chet and went to assist Roy. Chet squeezed the skull and as soon as the eyes left the head the boy’s bawling evolved into hiccups and he watched intently as Chet made the orbs retract and protrude.

Out of the corner of his eye Chet could see the paramedics free the mother. They placed her on a backboard and Roy got vitals while Johnny contacted the hospital. Rampart. This is County 51. When he got a response, he continued. We have a female, age 25, involved in an MVA. Possible fracture of the left humerus, which we’ve splinted. Please stand by for vitals.

“Johnny, BP is 90/58. Pulse is 120 and respirations are 26. Pupils are equal and reactive. She’s got tenderness in the right upper quadrant. She’s coming around.” He spoke in a soft voice to her.

Johnny relayed the information to Rampart. Start an IV with Normal Saline, get a new set of vitals in 5 minutes and transport as soon as possible. A few minutes later, they had her on a stretcher and Roy clambered into the ambulance. Chet brought her child to the ambulance and placed him on the bench next to the paramedic. The fireman saw the little guy straining to touch his mother as Johnny slammed the doors. Chet pocketed the novelty that had distracted the urchin. It would make another appearance when Johnny least suspected it.

~*~*~

It was several shifts before Chet arrived at the perfect place to return Johnny’s possession to him. Opportunity struck when Engine 51 returned after an early morning dumpster fire and the crew stumbled toward the dorm except for Chet, who went to the latrine. As he was slapping cool water on his face he went to his locker and dug out the gift he’d sent to the DeSoto party. He tiptoed back into the sleeping quarters. The faint light coming from the apparatus bay illuminated Gage’s turnout pants tucked neatly into his boots. Chet crept to them and deposited the gargoyle at the very top of the left leg, careful not to let it fall into the boot. Johnny rolled over, scaring the prankster.

~*~*~

An hour later the lights blazed on, followed by the sound of the dispatcher’s voice. Station 51, possible suicide. 10620 Riverton. Cross street Valley Park. Time out 0341.

The men hotfooted it out the door. Johnny didn’t realize he was carrying extra baggage as he sped to the squad as the head caught on the suspenders when he slipped into his bunker pants. They arrived at the address and Officer Vince Howard met the captain. “He’s got a gun. Says he’s never contributed anything to the world so it won’t be any loss if he kills himself.”

“Is he threatening other people?” The captain wanted to make sure the scene was secure before he and his men went in.

Vince rubbed his hand on his pant leg, “No, I think he called because he wants someone to talk him out of it.” Johnny and Roy gathered their gear and followed Vince to the man’s door. “Mr. Ivins, the fire department is here. We just want to talk. Can we come in?”

“Yeah, but don’t try any heroics,” a gruff voice replied. Vince opened the screen and stepped into the living room. The paramedics tagged after him, followed by the engine crew. Mr. Ivins looked uncomfortable.

“Hi, my name is Roy DeSoto. This is my partner Johnny Gage. We just want to help you.” He took a step toward the man, but stopped when Mr. Ivins brought the gun up to his head.

“Man, you don’t wanna do that,” Johnny’s face showed his concern.

Mr. Ivins held the same pose, “Why not?”

“Because you can’t change your mind once you pull the trigger. Now, why don’t you give me the gun?” Johnny reached toward it, exposing the head of the being Chet had put in his clothes.

“What’s that?” Mr. Ivins asked as he espied it.

Roy saw it, too. “This? I don’t think you wanna see this.” He could just imagine the man firing in shock at the sight of it. “Tell ya what, Mr. Ivins. If I let you see it will you give me your gun?”

“No, but I’ll put it in my lap.” He complied as Johnny pulled the object out of his bunkers. He inadvertently squeezed the head as he removed it.

Mr. Ivins was looking at nothing else, “Come closer.” Johnny held the thing out toward him and moved his foot. He took it from the paramedic and made the eyes pop out. “Well, I’ll be.”

Roy was at his side, “What is it Mr. Ivins?”

“See this clear stuff that comes out of his skull?” Mr. Ivins set the gun on the floor out of his reach. Mr. Ivins continued to focus on the monstrosity. “My partner and I invented that clear stuff. We were trying to come up with a formula for coating bulletproof vests and the company said they could never find a use for this gloppy substance. They fired us right after that.”

“Would you like to have it?” Johnny offered, hoping the man would take it off his hands.

The man fingered it, “I wonder if they made a lot of these?”

“Yeah, tons. The guy at the toy store said they can’t keep them in stock,” Chet informed him.

Mr. Ivins released it and said, “No thanks. I don’t think I could stand having it around but it’s good to know I’m not a failure.”

Roy spoke in a gentle voice, “Mr. Ivins, we need you to go to the hospital with us.”

“Sure, ya wanna make sure I’m not gonna do this again, right?” He rose from the chair.

Captain Stanley saw the flashing lights of the ambulance waiting for them. As Roy and Johnny walked past him he heard the man telling them, “I had this idea for…”

As Chet walked back toward the engine, he felt a hand clap on his shoulder. “Kelly, that could’ve been a disaster.”

“Sorry, Cap. I learned my lesson.” The Phantom said with remorse.

When they got back to the station, Johnny tossed the freak as he had dubbed it in his locker. It lay there forgotten for days.

~*~*~

A month later Johnny and Roy rescued a teenager from a house fire. She would make it but had suffered second and third degree burns on her face. The last time the guys asked about her Dixie told them that physically she was improving but her mental attitude concerned the doctors.

~*~*~

Johnny came upon the freak several days later and hadn’t decided what to do with it, when he and Roy were called out on a run. Before he got back, Chet had spotted it and couldn’t resist having The Phantom bring it to light. Johnny hadn’t given it another thought.

When lunch was over, Johnny was up to his elbows in soapy dishwater, his reward for losing at cards. While he was in the kitchen, Chet carried out his latest caper. He stuffed the creepy doodad in the squad’s glove box but one foot stuck out an inch. He was just starting to remedy the problem when Mike Stoker came up to Big Red and saw what The Phantom was doing. Chet slid out of the squad and waited to see if Mike would blow the whistle on him. But Mike enjoyed a good joke as much as anyone, as long as it wasn’t on him so he kept his mouth shut. After the dishes were done, Roy glanced up from the sports page he’d been reading. “Let’s go get supplies.”

As Johnny picked up the mic to notify dispatch that County 51 was headed to Rampart, he brushed his hand against the rubber appendage. Once he’d contacted headquarters, he popped the glove compartment open. “Kelly! I wish I’d never seen this thing.” He chucked it and it landed on the floor next to the door.

~*~*~

When they arrived at the hospital, Johnny kicked the freak out onto the pavement. As he scooped it up and prepared to lob it back into the vehicle, Roy called out, “C’mon, Gage. Cap said to make it fast.” Johnny jammed it under his arm and trotted after the senior paramedic.

“Well, hi there, Johnny.” Dixie greeted him as she saw him go to the coffee maker. Smiling at her, he grabbed a cup. When he raised his arm the freak fell to the floor.

Dixie knelt down to recover it, the peepers bugged out at her, “YEESH! What an eyesore.”

“Yeah, tell me about it,” Johnny said as he took from her.

Roy held the supply sheet out for her signature, “Dix? How’s Delia, the burn patient, doing?”

Dixie exhaled, “She’s fighting recovery. A student nurse let her see herself in a mirror and what she saw repulsed her.”

“Can we see her?” Roy saw they had a few minutes.

Dixie picked up the phone and after speaking to the floor nurse said, “You can try. She’s able to have visitors.”

The two men went up to the fifth floor, “Dixie said she’s in room 503.” Johnny held the door open for Roy and she saw them.

“Go away! I’m the ugliest thing on the earth.” Delia turned her bandaged face away from them.

An idea came to Johnny. He put the jiggly creature in her line of sight, grasping it at the neck. “No, THIS is the ugliest thing on earth.”

“I’m worse!” she screeched. As soon as she said that he gripped the head, forcing the eyes to shoot out.

She was stunned and then her eyes twinkled, “You’re right. It IS uglier than I am.”

“Would you like to have it?” Johnny proffered.

“No, that’s okay.” The handi talkie on Johnny’s belt cut their visit short.

County 51, what’s your status?

Available. “Sorry, we hafta go,” Johnny apologized as they sped out of the room.

Delia called after them, “come see me again.”

~*~*~

A week later Johnny was taking a mop out of the closet when he discovered Chet’s new hiding place for the freak. “Gage, why don’t you get rid of that horrible thing?” Hank Stanley asked as he walked past him.

Johnny considered the suggestion, “Cap, this is gonna sound really weird but it touches people. I can’t explain it, but I’ve seen it happen more than once.”

“Doesn’t it scare people, too?” The captain eyed the gag gift with disbelief.

Johnny lowered his voice, “Not really. It surprises them, but their reactions are positive. It’s a mystery to me.”

“Well, don’t let it interfere with your work.” He saw Chet listening at the doorway to the apparatus bay and went into his office.

Chet came over to him, “Never scares anyone, huh?”

“The darn thing startles me, Chet. It doesn’t scare me. And it does you, too!” He compressed the head and laughed when Chet gawked at it.

The idea for this story came from a gift my sister got at a White Elephant exchange. She put it in my nephew’s stocking at Christmas and he thought it was extremely amusing.

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Stories by Marty P. Guest Dispatchers